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Ace Attorney: Equestrian Division33 stories ·158 members
While Rarity undoubtedly killed nopony, she stood accused of trying to kill Prince Blueblood of the royal family, which is even greater than performing a normal murder successfully.
Despite Twilight Sparkle being a royal princess, she had no power to simply waive her friend's crime, but that didn't stop her from helping her generous friend to the very limit of her abilities
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney inspired story.
Cover drawn by Ektomaluja
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I love the Ace Attorney games and I very much want to see more fics in this style. I can see the setup for a good case, but I think your writing needs a little polishing. As a start, "serious" and its variations were used four times in the first four sentences. That's enough to give the reader semantic satiation! Try to use a different word or eliminate it altogether.
Related to that point is your choice of words. Some synonyms, despite having similar dictionary definitions, have different connotations and therefore can affect your mood and tone. Let's say you use "severity" in place of "seriousness" in the first paragraph. It sounds better because this word has a more negative connotation while still holding the same meaning. (IMO the word "seriousness" just sounds kind of silly.)
There are more things I want to point out but, in the interest of brevity, I'll just say this: I think you should look into getting an editor and a proofreader to have fresh pairs of eyes to look at your writing. If you're looking to invest in a project like this, it's best to have help.
You know what, I did rewrite this chapter at one point and I think I forgot to proofread it for that.
I'll try and have it fixed by the time I have the next chapter up. Thanks for the heads up.
My Little Attorney: Turnabouts are Magic.
If you want to make this more Ace Attorney-esque, consider allowing us to view Twilight's personal thoughts. Phoenix's little quips always made the game for me.
3142506 I actually have been thinking about doing something like that, but then I'd be afraid that people would complain with how the narration is going.
I\m still thinking about doing that though, especially during the first court chapter, which is where Phoenix's brain tortures him the most.
3142578
It's the best part. The snark is funny.
Ha! You actually did it! Nice one.
While I see where you're going with Star Cestus's resentment towards Twilight, I think getting in a physical fight is a bit out of character for Twilight. If it were Rainbow Dash, I could picture her having a scuffle with Star Cestus, but I feel that Twilight would have enough sense to keep her mouth shut. Yes, she is on edge because her friend's life is on the line and feels shocked that ponies feel that way towards her, but I think her self control would be better than that.
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Hmm...I was trying to go for a comedic argument between the two, but I see what you mean.
I had her get angry not because her friend was in jail, but because she and Celestia were insulted. Maybe I didn't write the scene through very well.
Would one of those Attorneys that Celestia had a list of have the initials P.W?
3238951
Nah, this is sadly not a crossover.
pretty awesome chapter and story so far.
3452992
Glad you're enjoying it.
Is spike taking the roll Maya?
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Pretty much, yeah. Younger, opposite sex of the hero, big appetite, snappy comments...
Holy crap, I did not intend to have him be so similar to Maya..
3461635 good i though if he wasn't maya he will be the killer because you know his crush will be to obvious he is the killer
3453009 indeed. can't wait for the next chapter that's for sure.
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I feel like I should make it clear that Spike won't be the killer/attacker, although I admit that it would make for one hell of a twist.
Wait? Couldn't it just be a Pegasus? Or a griffin? Or anything with wings?
3466621
OBJECTION!
If it was a flying creature, why use a ladder? Maybe as a distraction or...oops.
This is getting more interesting.
Liking this so far
Punching bag is added as evidence? Calling it now, it's important.
3543981After playing the ace attorney games, I know that any garbage can make a turnabout.
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Was pretty true in the DLC.
3544060
That would be the chekhov's gun trope :)
3547325
That's pretty much sums up my writing style.
Can't wait to see the punching bag be presented in court, you should also make a sequel with blueblood as the prosacutor
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Actually, I already have plans for the sequel, and it'll probably be better than this one.
The prosecutor for that one though will be an OC. If I made it Blueblood, the trial would probably be a one-shot.
3588261
AWESOME!
you just earned a follow
3589162
YAY!
please write more soon! this is really good!
3595289
I have to admit, due to laziness, real life, and writer's block, my plans for an earlier update failed. I'm hoping to get the next chapter up some time tomorrow.
Remember turnabout storm on youtube, yea you are ripping that
Punching bag still important. Just you wait. Crazy twist/bluff.
You know, if Twilight has to bet her wings and her horn for this testimony, Discord should have had put something life-changing on the line as well. Losing his 'valuable' time? That's a joke.
It's pretty much the only thing I would change so far though. This is captivating.
3599117
Agreed, theres no possible way that they bring that up, put it into the court record and just forget about it. The Phoenix Wright games/fan productions use everything that appears in the court record.
3599935
I'm surprised no has asked about the hat yet.
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How is this story ripping Turnabout Storm exactly?
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I was wondering about that, but I know that it'll be explained eventually.
Love this chapter, it's not completely ripped off of turnabout storm, which I like, it's not ripped off of the actual game, like sweetie belle ace attorney or rainbow dash ace attorney, but anyway, it was great, can't wait to see more
3599966
The hat is evidence for the escape route, duh. That's why it's never been mentioned.
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As someone who worked on Turnabout Storm; no he's not. Same crossover franchises, different concept and story.
3598994
More likely ripping off what I believe is the original crossover of the two series, which was Twilight Sparkle: Mare Attorney, if I remember right. Actually it could probably work as a case in that series, though I've not seen anything from that group for a while, last I looked it was Google Docs and EqD.
Just checked the old PDF of that I made, the style is definitely different. Mare Attorney is more in the Ace Attorney styling of things.
In terms of the case, there's three bits of evidence that need looking into in the case file and one that wasn't placed there that could show up. The hat is probably either something Rarity or Blueblood was wearing during the attack or more likely was used to keep the attempted murderer's mane from being left behind and hide it but lost on the way out.
The G3 laws are probably the motive I'm guessing, along with the punchbag being additional evidence of how the 'lower class' ponies see the ones like Blueblood.
We've also been told that Cestus got a letter about the attack, but that hasn't been shown yet… I think it might have something since if nothing else it's evidence of premeditation and possibly conspiracy. Cestus wouldn't have gotten a letter about a crime in progress/about to happen if there wasn't premeditation there, meaning someone knew what would happen and planned for Rarity to take the fall.
3630892 I've never heard of that story, the Mare Attorney one, but it sounds neat. Could I get a link?
3632400
Twilight Sparkle Mare Attorney
That's the EqD page for it, it has links to google docs for each chapter
3635162
I actually face palmed myself after realizing that their first story was also called Royal Turnabout. I feel like an idiot now.
Luckily my sequel ideas will be named much differently.
Why the bloody hell aren't there more thumbs up. My good sir, if I could give you another thumb up, i would. This is, so far a good mystery.
Ok, this story is truly great, the first few chapters had noticeable problems with pacing and a lack of detail, but the new ones have improved dramatically. Every plot twist has left a real emotional impact, Rarity protecting Fancy Pants, and his willingness to do the same were heart warming, the characters are believable, the pacing is getting better with every chapter, and the descriptions have become much clearer. The only downside I can think of is that there is not more of it, the lack of attention paid to this story is criminal, and it deserves ten times the number of thumbs ups that it has received.
3665037 Ahh, shucks. Thanks.