Oh, So Many Plots
“Uguu! I’m late! I’m late!” Twilight cried, clutching onto Pinkie’s back tightly. Rather mysteriously, a slice of toast had materialised in her mouth. She could taste strawberry jam and ash from the slight burn. Exposition overwhelmed and flooded her mind, blocking out any other logical thought. My name is Twilight Sparkle, personal protégé of Princess Celestia! I’m on a mission to secure The Plot Device, and to save the world!
Pinkie looked back at her, a bemused smile on her face. “Twi, are you okay? Did you just say... uguu?”
“N-no!” Twilight cried, munching the piece of toast. “Not at all, s-senpai!” She buried her face in her hooves in an attempt to avert Pinkie’s curious stare.
Pinkie giggled. “You’re so freakin’ kawaii, Twilight.”
Twilight went red from embarrassment. “B-baka!”
In a second, both of the ponies dropped their expressions. Twilight took another bite of the toast before throwing it away. “What... what was that?” Pinkie asked. “What does b-baka or kawaii even mean, Twi?”
Twilight’s eyes went wide. “I have no idea. It’s probably best for it to stay that way. Let’s just agree to never speak of this again.” With a nod, Pinkie turned back to face the land. She had to be careful not to step on any of the houses below her hooves, though she couldn’t do the same for the occasional tree. Equestria was simply filled with forests upon forests, and Pinkie couldn’t save all of them.
With each bound forward, Twilight would fly into the air and back into Pinkie again. Soon, it grew rather painful, but it was the price she had to pay to ride on the back of a giant. She could feel each step upon on the ground as it shook and crumbled beneath Pinkie’s weight. Twilight felt powerful from the extreme speed she was travelling at, making tears stream down her face. The sun felt glorious as the beams of light cascaded down on her glistening fur.
Soon, Canterlot came into sight. Twilight could see the sun-soaked towers overhanging the steep cliffs. She could see the ant-sized ponies gaze up into the sky and despair at the sight of a monster. Pinkie meant no harm, but they didn’t know that. All they saw was a giant heading towards them at a rather fast pace. Twilight watched as they screamed and ran about the streets like headless chickens. It brought an insipid smile to her face, to see such terror brought so ruthlessly into the lives of such innocent and naive beings...
She shook her head. All she had to do was focus on The Plot Device. Nothing else was important, no matter how... fun it was to watch the cockroaches scurry below her.
“Notify the Equestrian Air Force!” a posh voice screamed.
“That sounds like trouble,” Twilight mumbled under her breath.
“What was that, Twi?” Pinkie’s voice boomed.
“Trouble.”
In a matter of seconds, an alarm echoed across the sky. It sent shivers down Twilight’s spine as the warning horns blared overhead. Twilight had to cover her ears to stop the painful noise. As it came to a sudden stop she glanced over Pinkie’s massive shoulder, coming face to face with the incoming horde of Royal Guards. They circled around the giant, cutting off her escape. “Pinkie!” Twilight managed to yell before the commands of the Guards cut her off.
“Monster! State your purpose!” a Guard ordered, a spear between his front legs. He could barely keep up with Pinkie as she galloped ever closer to the walls of Canterlot.
Pinkie stopped dead. She scratched her chin before grinning deviously. “I’m a monster, am I? Well, if it’s a monster you want, it’s a monster you’ll get! I’ve come to flatten Canterlot beneath my mighty hooves! Muahaha!” With a roar that could easily rival the Royal Canterlot Voice, she looked straight into the Guard’s bulging eyes. Even for a Royal Guard, he looked afraid. Very afraid. His spear began shaking in his hooves.
Twilight groaned.
“Guards! Prepare to attack!”
“Hey, what?” Pinkie asked, genuinely confused. “It was a joke! Just a little prank! I didn’t mean any of—”
“Ready... ready... aim!” screamed the Guard, spittle flying from his mouth. “Fire!” He brought his hoof down.
In a moment, the sun was blotted out by hundreds of black lines. Twilight narrowed her eyes, and then gasped as the realisation hit her. She bowed her head, grunting as she exerted her mind. In an instant, she had summoned a purple sphere around Pinkie, who was now watching in wonder as the spears bounced and ricocheted harmlessly off of the shield. Twilight gazed around at the confused Royal Guards. She cleared her throat, readying herself for the speech.
“Royal Guards, your brave service to your nation and to your Princess have been duly noted. However, as Princess Twilight Sparkle, I hereby command you to stop at this—”
“Reload!” cried the Guard.
“I don’t think they’re listening, Twi,” Pinkie admitted, pouting slightly.
Twilight arched an eyebrow. “Listen, Pinkie, I’ll teleport to Celestia. You just keep the Royal Guards occupied. The bubble should protect you from any more spears they throw,” she said, bowing her head once more.
“But... but, Twi? What about your entrance?” Pinkie asked, her hair deflating ever so slightly.
“You take the spotlight, Pinkie,” Twilight said. She added a small bow. “The stage is all yours.”
Pinkie’s eyes glimmered. She muttered a few words of gratitude, but Twilight couldn’t hear them. With a swish of her horn, a bright light enveloped her. In a moment, the scenery had changed completely. Twilight stood in the Royal Chamber. She rotated around, seeing the luxury and majesty that covered the room. Red carpets of the finest variety. Golden pieces of furniture. All that was missing was the cherry on the top — the Princess herself.
“Twilight! My faithful subject, I’m so glad to see you.” came a regal voice. Twilight turned to face Princess Celestia. She looked as noble as ever, though her mane appeared to be slightly unkempt. It didn’t seem to... wave in the air as much as usual. Twilight could also see small bags under Celestia’s eyes, but she wasn’t one to talk. Many a night had disappeared without so much as a blink of an eye. Thanks to reading, of course.
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight cried. “I came as quickly as I could.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow, pointing a decorated hoof towards the giant pony outside of her window. Twilight narrowed her eyes, seeing Pinkie dance around the swarm of Royal Guards. Not in the jovial sense, but a genuine jig. She was flailing her limbs around with abandon, fortunately with the protection of Twilight’s spell. Twilight grinned, feeling her cheeks blush furiously.
“You could have teleported,” Celestia said bluntly.
“Pinkie insisted,” Twilight tried, blushing a deeper hue. “If you knew it was me, why are the Royal Guards still attacking Pinkie?”
“The current Head of the Royal Guards. He’s quite a stubborn one,” Celestia admitted. “That, and I believe Pinkie Pie said something... rather unnecessary.”
“Oh, never heard of that before,” Twilight said, her voice without tone.
“That’s neither here nor there. Twilight, have you any idea what has become of my kingdom? We have several unconfirmed reports of emerging Alicorn Princesses, who were previously unheard of to all but themselves, strange sightings of creatures now known as ‘huemanns’, the occasional eyewitness account of alien abductions and now Pinkie Pie as a giant,” Celestia said, stopping to catch her breath. “What is going on? I am powerless to stop it until I know.”
“There is only one thing that is capable of doing this,” Twilight murmured. “The Plot Device.”
“Like the one Rarity uses every Saturday?”
Twilight scrunched up her face. “How does everyone know of this but me?”
Princess Celestia shrugged. “Pretty common knowledge arou—”
A distant voice interrupted her. “Hello, dear friends! The time has come for my immediate departure, and, for this, I am deeply sorry. I must continue on my quest to become a sentient cloud.” Twilight’s mouth fell open. She could see Celestia’s hair moving slightly; it was swaying in the breeze. “Fare thee well, dear chums! I have gone to live a life of simplicity and knowledge!”
Within a fraction of a second, Celestia’s wavy hair detached from her head, and began floating. Both Twilight and Celestia watched in awe as it began flying towards the open window. The breeze caught it, sending it drifting into the sky without another word.
“Get back here!” Celestia cried, finally coming to her senses. She opened her wings, and flew out of the same window. Twilight would’ve said something, perhaps tried to stop her and ask her what to do, but the sight of Princess Celestia in all her mighty baldness was simply too distracting. She barely held her laughter in until Celestia had departed. Once Twilight was sure the Princess had disappeared, she couldn’t help herself. It was definitely the work of The Plot Device, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t funny to see a bald monarch chasing after her own hair.
Considering that Princess Celestia looked to be quite occupied, Twilight realised she could always speak to Princess Luna. After all, she did technically rule beside Celestia. Putting her laughter aside, she tried her best to put on a serious expression before leaving Celestia’s room. The hall outside was daunting; the room was bigger than Twilight was expecting. She suddenly felt so small — like an ant finding its way into a house.
With a sigh, she attempted to ignore it, instead taking interest in the red carpet leading away from the room. Twilight chose to follow it. Following any path was better than following no path. The red welcomed her like a celebrity, and she soon found a spring in her step. Twilight knew no one was watching, but the carpet just felt so luxurious. She told herself that it wasn’t her fault as she began skipping down the Royal Hall at quite a fast pace, seeing rooms and corridors pass her by left and right.
Eventually, much to her disappointment, the carpet came to a stop outside of a door. Not just any door, however. On closer inspection, Twilight could see a floating note before her. She had to squint. “Thank you, *insert protagonist here*! But our princess is in another castle!” Twilight read. “In another castle?” she repeated before rolling her eyes. “Nice try. Nearly fooled me, too.”
With a gentle hoof, Twilight pushed the grand door open, brushing the note aside. “Princess Luna?” she called, stepping forward. The room was dark, so she could barely see a thing. A ray of sunlight shone through a tiny crack between the closed curtains, illuminating a nearby switch. Twilight hesitated for a second before flipping it. In an instant, the room was filled with an unnatural light. A blue tint lit up the room.
Twilight’s eyes fell upon Princess Luna, who looked just as surprised as Twilight did. Luna’s mouth fell upon, and she tried to hide something between her hooves. Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Princess Luna,” she repeated, pointing at the thing, “what is that?”
“Oh, hello, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna said, a nervous smile spreading on her face. “Wonderful... day we are having?”
“Are you trying to change the subject?” Twilight asked.
“Um, no. Not at all. Have you seen my sister aro—”
“Don’t play coy, Luna,” Twilight said bluntly, cocking her head. “I know what it is.”
Luna looked away and then back at Twilight. She snarled, and began hovering in the air. “It is mine!” she yelled. “You cannot have it, Twilight Sparkle! It is mine to command!”
And with that, Princess Luna presented The Plot Device in front of her. It was a simple box with a big, red button on the top of it. Rather pointlessly, ‘The Plot Device’ was printed on the button. To be honest, Twilight expected something slightly grander. Her studies had made The Plot Device out to be a weapon of complete chaos — something spoken in tales and myth for young foals to fear — but it looked so... simple. Perhaps that was the trap. It lulled you into a false sense of security, waiting for your guard to drop, before striking.
“How did you even get that?” Twilight asked, more curious than fearful of the legendary weapon.
“Discord was kind enough to lend it to me,” Luna replied. “Now, it is—”
“Discord?” Twilight repeated, arching a brow. “Why would he bother?”
“Because he can,” came the response. “It is time for you—”
“That’s not a very good answer,” Twilight argued. “Just because I can do something doesn’t mean that I will do it.”
“Silence!” screamed Luna. “I was the one who created the events of today! I pressed this button to bring excitement to an otherwise boring day! Prepare yourself, Twilight Sparkle, for the wrath of The Plot Device!” As dramatically and as slowly as possible, Luna raised her hoof into the air. She brought it down on top of The Plot Device, letting out a maniacal cackle as she did. Twilight braced for impact, instinctively backing away from Luna.
She heard a small beep. Then, Twilight saw nor thought no more.
No, literally. It was just a small beep, nothing more.
“Was... was that it?” Twilight asked.
“Just wait,” Luna said. “Patiently,” she added quickly.
Twilight frowned. “You expect me to wait for it to work?”
“Yes.”
“As if,” Twilight said. “Luna, just give me The Plot Device. For the sake of your subjects.”
“Never!” Luna cried, her eyes suddenly glowing pure white.
Before Twilight could think of a rebuttal, the windows burst open. Gallons upon gallons of water poured into the room, submerging Twilight before she could think of a spell to stop it. She kicked her hooves desperately, trying to reach the top before the water filled the entire room. With a final kick, she broke the surface, breathing deeply before being taken under the water once more. The fight with the water was harder than it would’ve seemed — the insurmountable amount kept pouring through the window from nowhere, pushing Twilight down two feet for every one foot she swam through.
It was pointless. She knew it. Twilight wasn’t a strong swimmer, and the water was too powerful. She felt water travel down her throat and into her lungs. She tried to cough it out, but it made no difference. Twilight slowly grew weaker, kicking slower and slower until her hooves finally stopped altogether. Her vision began blurring, and everything appeared lighter. Soon enough, the only thing she could see was pure white. The pain in her lungs kept rising, and she soon felt her conscious slipping.
And then another beep sounded through the water.
“How did we get here, Twilight Sparkle?” Luna’s voice said in her mind.
“Oh, my gosh,” Twilight murmured. “We’re dreaming.” And then came a rumble. She could feel it resonating through her entire body. Twilight felt herself shaking, as well as the huge mass of water on top of her. She cried out, the noise reaching intolerable levels of sound. She tried to cling on to the reality beneath her hooves, but it broke apart like shards of glass. Twilight managed to gain purchase on the floor before the dream broke, casting her into darkness. With a final sigh, she let go, falling into nothingness.
Twilight woke up.
She yawned, stretching her weary legs. She kicked the warm blankets off of her, much to her dissatisfaction. The morning sun crept through the crack in the curtains, right into her eyes. With a sigh, she jumped out of the bed, scratching her tired eyes. She felt cold outside her bed, and she found her eyes wandering back over to it. It looked so inviting, but she couldn’t. “Spike?” she called, trying to derail her train of thought, “what’s the time?” Twilight could hear the approaching steps of her assistant as he bounded up the stairs.
“Not that early,” he said, appearing around the corner.
“Good,” Twilight replied simply. “I just had the strangest dream...”
Another beep echoed around the room.
“We need to go deeper,” Spike said in a voice oddly reminiscent of Princess Luna. He narrowed his eyes.
“Wha... what?”
Twilight woke up again.
Her head felt incredibly groggy. She groaned as she rose from the carpet of Luna’s room. Her hooves were unsteady beneath her weight, and it took great effort to stay on all four of them. The water was gone, even if it was never there in the first place. It didn’t matter.
“How are you still standing?” Luna cried, pressing The Plot Device once more. “I have so many plots at my command!” She pressed again. “How can you fight against so many plots?” Another press. “It is impossible, Twilight Sparkle! Submit to the plots!” Another. “Do not bother getting up. The amount of plots will submerge you. By the time they are done, you will be nothing but a whimpering, broken parasite on my floor!”
In a moment, there was another beep. This time, it was different. It had a lower pitch, the exact opposite of the one in Luna’s hooves. Twilight looked up, coming face to face with a similar button. It had the exact same design. Instead of reading ‘The Plot Device’, however, it read ‘The Monotony Machine’. Twilight looked at Luna, who looked back at her. There was a deadly silence in the room as one stared the other down.
“Is that not contradictory?” Luna asked, cocking her head. “I mean, the product of The Plot Device would essentially destroy the plot, thus making the entire objective of The Plot Device null and void. Is that not a plot hole, if you will excuse my French? Although—”
Twilight let out an animalistic scream as she leapt forward, interrupting Luna’s speech. She bounded forward, using energy the likes of which she had never encountered before. Time slowed down as she galloped forth. Before Luna could even react, Twilight had her hooves on The Monotony Machine. She looked down on the thing. It looked so inviting to press. Her hoof circled around the exciting button. She had to. It was inevitable.
“Now, Twilight Sparkle... Let us think about this!” Luna cried, raising a futile hoof. “Without The Plot Device, this day would have been entirely boring! Nothing would have happened. You know this. To throw away this opportunity is an act of sheer folly!”
“No offence, Luna, but I’ve never really liked plots,” Twilight said, a smug smile appearing on her face. Without a moment to spare, her hoof fell, and a satisfying beep made her smile even harder. The room burst into light, almost blinding Twilight. It didn’t matter to her. She closed her eyes; it was all over. She could hear Luna screaming at her, but she couldn’t hear her over the sound of victory. Twilight couldn’t even hear herself thinking over the sound of winning.
In a moment, the light was gone, and Twilight was left alone in the room. She looked around. Both buttons were gone. “Luna?” Twilight called, but to no avail. Luna was nowhere to be found. It didn’t make sense, but none of the day had. She was just glad the entire debacle was over and done with. She slumped to the ground. As it had turned out, it had been quite an exciting day.
“Twi? Twi!” Pinkie cried as she leapt into the room. Princess Celestia followed alongside her, smiling down on her pupil. “You did it, Twi! The world is saved!” Pinkie grabbed Twilight by her shoulders, heaving her up from the carpet to embrace her in a hug. “Is The Plot Device gone?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. “Where’s Princess Luna?”
“Yes, where is my sister?” Celestia asked, her hair and her head in harmony once more.
“I don’t know,” Twilight confirmed, frowning. “It’s gone... it’s done.”
“But, Twilight, I don’t get something,” Pinkie said, matching her frown. “This whole day, we were following a plot of our own, presumably when Luna used The Plot Device the first time. Doesn’t that mean that The Plot Device inevitably began its own downfall with plots within a plot? Doesn’t that contradict its existence in all of its entiret— Oh, no, I’ve gone cross-eyed.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Shut up, Pinkie.”
And she did.
Princess Luna woke with a groan. Her head was pounding, and her entire body hurt. With another groan, she forced her body up from the white ground beneath her hooves. She looked around with her aching eyes, and then gasped at the sight. “No,” she said simply, “it can’t be true.” Darkness was all around her, though several blobs of pure white dotted the view. “No!” she screamed into the air.
As her head fell, her eyes came across a very familiar quote in the dirt. ‘Princez Loonaa woz ere’ was written very poorly by hoof. To make matters worse, a button sat beside it. Luna couldn’t bear to look, but she knew she had to. With a shaky hoof, she picked it up, and read the note on it aloud. “The Monotony Machine,” she said. She blinked. “The Monotony Machine?”
Luna looked up into space, throwing back her head before screaming, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuu—”
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And here we have the real reason for the random rag.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2958609 This is a wonderful example of wonderfully random stories. I like.
2958609
Now if only we knew the real reason for the random tag, sigh.
An....interesting story, good work.
2958689
Like I was telling him...
THIS is what the random tag is for. THIS.
It has the vague semblance of a plot, while having no plot at all. Plus, just the right amount of odd stuff going to merit it.
~Skeeter The Lurker
(...We hath observed what thou hast performed here...)
(...Ah don't git it.)
(Well, you should, darling. It's fun.)
That was random, but thoroughly enjoyable. How could a story about nothing keep one's attention? Good stuff.
I'm.... what?
there were words here.
They even were arranged in a manner to express a narrative and put forth actions and dialogue.
I know this to be true. however.... I have know idea what I just read.Thank you random tag, for...
wait Skeeter was a part of this?!
CURSE YOU!!!!
wait... again, Rainbow bob had a hoof in this also?
that explains so much... also
cdn.alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/jpg/angry-desk-flip.jpg
You write a story about bored ponies, you get bored readers. Thanks for playing, but my vote hasn't changed.
3034795 Okay, sure. Thanks for taking a look.
...Huh. Amusing in the end. I get a kick out of Luna being considerably eccentric in short comedies like this.
Short but sweet. I like it.