Lost, forgotten, abandoned.
Max ran from his home for unknown reasons. He ran until he reached The Everfree Forest . There, he was rescued by Scootaloo who found him passed out. Sense then, he starts to hang around Scootaloo. His time with her has their ups and downs, but can he overcome the big obstacle of liking her? Not to mention that he has to control his opposite, Xam: his mental counterpart. Will Max, the caring one, and Xam, the douche who hides secrets from his counterpart, blend in and settle in Ponyvile? Will Max confess to his rescuer and friend, Scootaloo? Or will his counterpart, Xam, interfere when he, himself, has other plans?
Looking for proofreader and editor because I'm just horrible. Also a picture would be nice.
Based on the song Monster-by Skillet
(On hiatus due to school. Will come back during the summer.)
.... I'll.... give this a read.... but.... One word of advice.... Make your chapters longer. I used to make the same mistake. A good chapter has around 2-4 thousand words. Just some advice.
Now... to read.
Okay...
You said don't hold back, so I won't.
For one, you're terrible at writing. Better then some, but you're still terrible. Both these Chapters are dialogue alone, no detail what so ever. The narrative tells us information that we should learn over time, and you have horizontal lines where they aren't needed.
Scootaloo is way out of character, and Max, if that's his name, is a bad character. He's flat, bland and uninteresting.
Ironically, your author's notes are the best part of the Chapters, because they aren't the story.
-Sonic
2932395
Yeah, I got about a 'paragraph' into this, felt a wet pop and now I can't remember my name.
I'd like to give you an idea of what you've done wrong and how to improve, but I wouldn't be able to get more polite then 'everything' and 'for God's sake stop writing'.
You have no backstory, the story itself basically boils down to 'suddenly things', Scootaloo is so out of character she's grown a goatee, your chapter are literally just commentary, with no suggeston as to who's saying what...
And FYI: I've read 'this is my first story' stuff. Lots of it. I now owe a few authors apologies for telling them how bad they were.
Well, I'm not going to lie, there are quite a few areas where this could be improved; the main one being the immense lack of imagery and detail. This story is made almost entirely of dialogue, and anything outside of the quotation marks is few and far between. For all intents and purposes, your entire audience has suddenly gone blind, their noses are plugged, there isn't a taste in their mouth, and their entire body has somehow gone completely numb. It is your job, as the author, to explain to them what they are missing, to mold the world of your story around them. All you can do is "speak" to them. There is no way your audience can peek inside your head and see, hear, smell, feel, or even taste what is going on in the environment; you have to tell them. They can't learn anything from these random blurbs of speech.
To stem off of the imagery problem, we don't know what Max looks like. What are his coat and mane colors? Is he a stallion or a colt? Does he have a pair of wings, a horn, both, or is he just a regular earth pony? What was so wrong about his cutie mark that it freaked an entire village out and motivated them to burn him at the stake like a witch? Heck, why didn't Scootaloo have a similar reaction when she first met him?
And to stem off Max, this Xam character is a bit... undefined, for lack of better terms. For the first part of the first chapter, I thought he was another physical pony in the room, and when Scootaloo arrived, I was wondering why she didn't notice him. It wasn't until I backed up a few lines and reread the whole "Make sure you thank her properly, or else I’ll take over" part that I figured out that Xam wasn't "real". His character seems a bit discontinuous, too. In the first chapter he was openly insulting Max, making him appear as (for lack of better terms) a jerk, and later he was talking about how Max should properly thank Scootaloo for rescuing them, showing that he had some decency about him. And that last visage was blown away when he was talking about having sex with Scoots in the next chapter.
There are also a few other problems, some I won't be addressing because I don't want to sound nit-picky. Scootaloo seemed a bit... off, and I suppose we could chalk up some of her odd behavior as trying to be a little flirty with the new colt/stallion, but even still, I don't recall "flirty" being a part of her nature. It wouldn't hurt to put in some more words to lengthen the story a bit (adding some imagery would really help in this field), but that's your call. And this is going to sound like I'm nit-picking, but you're writing "sense" where it should be "since" a lot; sorry, it's just a pet peeve that's been growing lately.
All in all, the story idea sounds like it might have been interesting, but it just wasn't presented well. You need to work on detailing the events and making the audience feel like they're in the story, in a sense.
I wish you luck on your future endeavors!
2933149 bakecooklove.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/bcl-img_3022.jpg
It's slightly passable. I kinda enjoy where you are going with it but you're right, you really do need someone to proofread and edit. You have an OK writing ability like most writers that start their first fic. you just need to have more imagery and less dialog.
Well... They saw the sunrise and they just met. Take it a bit slower, maybe? I mean its YOUR fanfic, but whatever.
2946162 Well, I guess your right. I guess I kinda made the romance a bit to early. Then again, Xam did point that out, so... I'm not so sure what to.
Then again, there are some whose romance started on the first day of meeting. I thought it was ok for me to do that too.
I'll try to slow it down as much as I can.
Thanks for pointing that out!
It's nice to see that you improved this story. Since you asked me to critique it again, I'll give it a shot. (And for the record, I'm no professional at these things)
There are still some parts that are dialogue-heavy (mainly in the first chapter), but I'm glad to see that you added some imagery. You did really well in the second chapter, in my opinion, by adding some more details. There are still some parts in the story where you probably could have added a bit more, but I'll address that later.
I don't really know how to describe it (and I apologize for that), but it feels like the story is getting disrupted sometimes by the transitions between the "real" world and Max's mental conversations. It wasn't bad in the first or second chapters, but the third one was kind of... interrupted a lot by all the line breaks. This is just my opinion, but you probably could have incorporated Max and Xam's point of view into the actual conversation, and it would have turned out a bit smoother rather than having a few lines of dialogue, then a line break, then another line of someone talking, and then another line break, and so on and so forth.
For example, instead of having their point of view separated like this:
It could be integrated like this:
But again, that's just my two cents. This is your story, and I'm not going to tell you how to write it.
One quick word of warning, though:
That's a pretty dangerous thing. Don't not care about any aspects of your story. If you don't care about your story, then why should your audience? It can be brushed off this time I suppose, but if it keeps up, the story will get very sloppy, very fast.
There are just a few more minor things, and I'm going to try to not sound too nit-picky. Sometimes during the mental conversations, it can can be a bit confusing as to who is talking. In the first chapter there is a bit of a lack of animation between the characters as they speak; it feels like Scootaloo is just standing in the doorway completely motionless the whole time. You did better in the other two chapters in that field, though; just try to keep it up.
Over all, though, this was an improvement from your first attempt, and I'm certain it'll get better. I wish you luck on your future endeavors!
i see what you did ther the rainbow factory reference with Aurora
3012747
i did 
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Where!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................What? *Rereads story. Stares at comment, then back at story*
Good chapter
3153222 Thx. I still am welcoming ideas if you or anyone that you know would like to contribute to the story.
And again, thx.
3156370 I'm still thanking of some ideas but its a lil hard I'll send a message if I got any thang
3156641 Thx for the contribution!!!
good chapter
3195028 Really? Cause I felt like I violated Xam with Aurora and Scootaloo.
But thx nonetheless!
3195737 hope fully you will be doing the ideas i gave you soon
3195782 Be patient, young one.
Is this story really on hiatus because it hasn't been updated in 2years