The Secrets of the Factory

When suspicious activity regarding the weather factory occurs, the Doctor investigates and figures out what the Rainbow Factory is and there is an evil in that factory that the Doctor has seen before.

Chapters (3)

Cloudsdale's Secret · 12th Jul 2013 · 1,543 words
1,543
Download .txt
Download .html
The Rainbow Factory · 12th Jul 2013 · 1,180 words
1,180
Download .txt
Download .html
The Cyber age · 26th Jul 2013 · 1,490 words
1,490
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 9 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 9
- Newest First
- Oldest First

SpaceCommie

SpaceCommie #1 · Jul 13th, 2013 · 2 · · Cloudsdale's Secret ·

I'm so torn about this story.

On one hand, I like Doctor Who, and you get his voice down pretty well. I want to like it. I'll see in the next chapter if you can deliver.

But there are a number of spelling errors and weird punctuation problems that make it a bit of a pain to read through. I'll hit on them real quickly before reading the next chapter.

You consistently (and understandably) get punctuating dialogue wrong. For example, here's the first sentence as you wrote it:

"Keep him restrained and prep the machine." A voice had said.

That's wrong. You have to remember that it's all one sentence. So,

"Keep him restrained and prep the machine," a voice said.

The quote and the rest of the sentence love each other. Don't keep them separated with a period.

If you're interested in improving the readability of your story, hit me up and I'll edit it for you (assuming I like the next chapter).

SpaceCommie

SpaceCommie #2 · Jul 13th, 2013 · 1 · · The Rainbow Factory ·

Whoa. Pacing is way too fast. You went from "getting into the factory" to "Rainbow Dash explaining her evil plan" in less than 6 paragraphs. Did nothing else happen in the factory?

If nothing else, describe the factory more. What did it smell like? What sort of expressions were on the faces of the prisoners? How did Derpy take it? Little details like that would make your Rainbow Factory much more real, and give the atmosphere this story deserves.

Still, I'm impressed. If nothing else, the dialogue is impressively true to the spirit of Doctor Who and the plot is intriguing. Hit me up if you need an editor. I can have the first 2 chapters proofread by tomorrow.

Primary213

Primary213 #3 · Jul 13th, 2013 · · · The Rainbow Factory ·

2868892 Thank you for your advice. I agree with the details on the factory. It wasn't really that precise. As for editing it, go ahead if you want! I would love to accept help from another Who fan! Anything to make this story a little more better. The 3rd chapter is half way through, I could send it to you once it is completed maybe?

SpaceCommie