Hello. I don't know who you are. I don't know why you're here, or why you want to talk to me. And I doubt you care, anyway. But since you asked, I'll talk. I'll answer your questions. I need a break from my search anyway.
... I don't know what to say about this one, really. It involves my OC, Deep, but he was not created for stories. The first chapter is loosely based on a forum in OC Roleplay, but after that it becomes its own thing. Credit goes to Rapplejack for proofreading, and also for being the best proofreader I've ever had, this site or otherwise.
Chapters (2)
This was very cute. I know it is a one-shot, but it deserved a little more to it.
8 out of 10 for romance
10 out of 10 for grammar
9 out of 10 for overall story
Good job.
3434586 Hey, a single comment on this thing! About damn time. And, yeah, someone else told me to extend this one as well, but... hate to tell you, but it's not going to happen. This was a one-shot through and through, and I have absolutely no plans to elongate it in any way.
Little short, but overall well-written and very sweet
I know you said in another comment it won't be elaborated upon, but I could seriously see this becoming a big romantic series.
Upvoted and fav'd!
3725010 Honestly, I'm beginning to think of expanding this after all.
3725185 If you do, I will definitely read it!
Here, take a follow.
3725330 Why thank you.
It's a tad quick-paced, but well-written and sweet nonetheless
Hope to see more!
I'll take a look at it for you.
Right off the bat, I'll say that the "author's note" in the description doesn't really do it for me, but that's not an objective complaint.
Um... okay so you said you wanted some criticisms... please don't be mad at me for this.
Personally I don't write OC stories but I have read some quite good ones. The thing that a lot of people forget is that we, the audience, don't have the same clear picture of your OC that you do. We don't know what they look like, who they are, how they behave and what their cutie marks are. And many authors forget that and simply fail to describe their OC's in any meaningful way. This is the first chapter, our introduction to your character and the only descriptive info we have of your OC is that he looks like a zebra with wings. What does that mean? Is he black and white? Is he a bat pony like the rest of Luna's guard? I know it can be tough to work descriptions of him into the narrative, especially in first person, but you must remember that its difficult to get invested in a character that you can't picture in your head. Imagine if JK Rowling was like "Harry Potter was a 12 year old white boy" and then never described her character again. It'd be weird is what I'm saying.
Also Deep Darkness is kind of a silly name but I guess you acknowledge it so its okay. Interestingly enough, Moondancer is one of the first pony names we ever heard way back in s01e01 of FiM when its stated that Spike has a crush on her. She's a carry over pony from G1, a unicorn with a red and purple mane and a star and moons Cutie Mark. I dunno if that was intentional and Luna is stealing some random ponies identity or not but w/e.
Anyway, have a like for working so hard and have this frownie face for waiting so long between chapter one and chapter two.
3763838 See how the description says it was loosely based on a forum from OC Roleplay? The person playing Luna in disguise referred to her as Moondancer. As such, I'm sticking with it. Regardless, I was thinking of having the next chapter be an "interlude" (possibly one of several) from Luna's perspective, talking to Celestia. That'll give me a great opportunity to describe Deep's appearance, so I'll be sure to do so when I get around to writing it.
Before reading this comment, keep these two points in mind: 1-I make no attempt to be 'fair' 'nice' or 'not a horrible person'.
2-You asked for this.
I found it difficult to finish this chapter because the dialogue felt unnatural, the conversation between Deep'n'Hard and totallynotLunadancer didn't look at all like a conversation between actual people.
And what's up with Deepinsideme anyhow? He's literally described as 'a zebra with wings', what kind of description is that? And why is it where it is in the story? He goes from bitching about his name to looking himself over. What?
And since we're on the topic of DeepseriousfeelingsIhavefortheprincess I have to be blunt: Dude NEEDS counselling. He really feels that his entire existence is meaningless without Luna? Honestly he comes of to me as creepy, pathetic, and a downright loser.
Speaking of characters, next up is Disguisedancer, the robotic drinking buddy! Seriously, NahbronotLunaatalldancer's dialogue was especially wooden and unrelatable throughout.
But speaking of unrelatable, we've got the romance! That sounds mean, but I'll quote your story to back myself up.
Even Our Heroine has no real emotional investment in Deeplydisturbed.
Well, I think that's everything.
Deepfried, Deepsea, Deepdarkplaces, Deepinhispsyche, Deep
character.Hah! That last one cracked me up.
No. I'm sorry, but no. I was going to read this chapter to see if there was improvement, but then you go and do something like this:
Canterlaut Haez newditty lauze!
I'm out. Get me off this train, that is the single stupidest piece of fanon I have ever seen, goodbye.
3763924 If there is one thing I have trouble with, it's defining characters to be more than just robots (although I feel Luna was much better defined in Chapter 2). And, as far as Deep needing counseling... that's the point. He's meant to be deeply depressed.
3763952 Also, when you say this is the stupidest piece of fanon you have ever read, is that a comical overreaction to get your point across, or is it actually the worst fanfiction you have ever seen?
3765001 Not the worst fanfiction, the worst fanon.
Fanon is fan-created information used to fill the gaps in canon or flesh out their fanfiction. Roughly.
And Canterlot having strict nudity laws is the worst fanon I've ever seen.
3765328 I see. I apologize for asking you to read this more or less shit story.
3767487 AHAHAHAHAH! This isn't a shit story, it's not my cup of tea but if I thought it was horrible I never would've made it to the comment box.
3767529 Sure sounded like it sucked. Yeah, I did ask for it, but without any form of counterbalance (this, this, this, this, this, and this all sucked, but this, this, and this weren't bad), it seemed as though I had fucked up royally. But thanks again for the review.
Hahaha...
I now have an idea for my future project
3996357 Just credit the inspiration and there will be no hard feelings between us.
I'm liking this so far, but I have to admit Deep Darkness seems... A little emo. It's a little depressing reading his backstory, especially how he'd just kill himself if Luna didn't accept his courtship. Speaking of Luna, I can probably understand how almost no ponies have attempted to court her (if not for the reason of being next to the throne and gaining royalty), let alone how some may fear her from her history, but I can't help but feel she's seeing Deep out of desperation after hearing his thoughts on her. Not to mention as Luna tries to protect her subjects despite how they view her, she may have started to become responsible for Deep's well being after hearing what he'd do if she rejected him. Because of these, the pacing for their relationship is getting to be too fast as far as I can see, especially with all of it happening on a single night. I'd like to see where this goes, but the characters here so far is a little sour to my taste.
4537746 Remember when I said pacing wasn't my strong suit? You can see why here. And yes, both Deep and Luna are depressed, albeit in different ways. That was the way I was trying to get it to come across, and hopefully turn that into an arc later on, although not the crux of the plot.
You know what? I'm normally not into pony OC stories, but this actually caught me. Also, is there a cause for it being discontinued? I'll read the next author's note to look for info. If there's nothing, then I don't see a good reason for this being cancelled. I mean, if you feel this story is too cliche or something, you can always just go back and change or change things as you move along the story. I strongly think this could be a good fic.
5531092 I ended this story because it was bad. I had no direction with which to move it, my OC was terrible (that name... ugh...) and my attempt to make him suffer from severe depression made him appear more like an unpitiable spineless protoplasm than someone truly depressed.