Politicians prey on the vulnerable, the disadvantaged and those with an infantile sense of pride in a romanticised national identity which was fabricated by a small to mid-sized advertising agency.
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Tonight the dead return to see the living. For one night, from sunset until sunrise, each living pony will be visited by one dead pony. Secrets will be unearthed, and unheard tales from the depths of history to the near past will be revealed.
Pre-read by the transcendentally helpful team of Blue_Paladin42, Georg, and jlm123hi.
Cover art by lewyty.
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It has begun!
I enjoyed this story quite a bit! Initially, I thought Twilight was going to see a dead Spike, which would have made me sad... but you've surprised me! Starswirl's story was sad, but I adored the way he was characterized. I look forward to more chapters, and, if I may be so bold as to guess: I wonder if AJ's parents will show up.
Regardless, great job and I look forward to an update!
I'm finally showing up to read a new thing of yours in a timely fashion!
There are a couple line edity things in here and one or two errors—it wouldn't hurt to give this another editing pass, even though it's online now. I was going to catalogue them for you, but I think instead, now that my schedule is freed up a little, I'll just offer to pre-read your next chapter if you'd like me to. As much as I like this story so far, I think it has one very large weakness you're going to need to work on as you continue.
I really like Star Swirl's voice here. There are one or two spots where it's inconsistent, but by and large it's both good and interesting. I'd definitely enjoy reading more (even though that's probably not going to happen, given the context of the chapter). What really seems to be missing here, though, is motivation. The dialogue is good, but at times it seems to come completely out of the blue. For example, Star Swirl shows up in Twilight's library and... they both get to talking like it's the most natural thing in the world. On the one hand, there's the question of why Twilight doesn't freak out some more (though there's a small allusion to a possible reason with the comment about "magically induced calmness"—but that's otherwise never explained or elaborated upon). But why does Star Swirl care to talk to Twilight? There's no real hint of a motivation behind the conversation. And this is a problem in other places, too. The dialogue kind of puts Twilight through the motions about worrying about Celestia, but we never actually get a reason why she should. She's not so credulous that I imagine her immediately accepting anything anypony says as fact, so why would Star Swirl's opinions threaten to overwhelm her own experience with Celestia? There are too many spots of this for me to go through and point them all out, but it's the one big thing that I think needs work here. I'm also pretty confident it's going to be the rationale behind most of the downvotes you get on this as a new story.
That all said, I did definitely enjoy this and I'm looking forward to seeing more. This gets a thumbs up from me, and I hope you get a good number more as well.
I see what you did there
this just earned a spot on my favorites list
More please?
Also, your author's note reminds me that I need to get around to watching Babylon 5 again. Hmm.
2792618
Woo!
2792671
Thanks! Of course, though I can't confirm whether AJ's parents will pop up, I shall note that these interactions are all one-on-one, which would complicate things a little if they were to appear.
2792949
That's good, 'cause I sure don't.
2793298
2794258
Thank you! More shall be appearing soon.
2792921
I mostly agree. A good chunk of this story relies on me declaring things by fiat -- "rah, this is how things are 'cause I say so!" For example, the magically-induced calmness deal, which is mainly there because writing seven different freakouts that have no purpose except to be swept aside would be very tiresome. But you're right, that's not an excuse for missing motivation. I shall have to keep an eye out for that from here on in.
That said, I don't think Star Swirl's motivations are completely absent*. He's a scholar and a teacher and a garrulous old man. It's natural for him to take an interest in something unusual (a new alicorn) and for him to advise and opine to anyone who wants to listen.
*Important aside: Whenever a writer feels the need to point out something to the effect of "Oh no, you didn't get it because ... ", that's a warning sign that said writer may have failed to communicate properly in the story. So this criticism is still valuable even if I have disagreements.
2797028
My thoughts exactly, and that's one of my principal writing rules. Since you have motivation in mind (and motivation I think is very sound), it ought to be pretty easy to deal with that sort of thing, then. It's just a matter of making sure it communicates to the reader in what you're saying.
Anyway, I look forward to more!
2792921
Noo, you can't pre-read! Then he won't need me anymore!
2796947
i eagerly await the continuation of this piece. hopefully in the next couple of weeks, i'll have my first submission up. hopefully i can get some reads and criticism when i get mine up here.
AppleJack is going to enconter your parents.
Fluttershy is going to see very cute friends.
2793115
(Ack, I apologise. I should have said this earlier. I put it off and got sidetracked.)
Thank you.
I'm planning on revealing some of the details of the magic later, so hopefully that should explain some things. I kinda agree about the first scene. I'm not fond of it, but I can't think of a better way to get some of that information across.
I hope she finds out sooner rather than later.
This has a fraction of the views it deserves. I'm going to see what I can do to rectify that.
I easily recognized the Babylon 5 references to the Brakiri day of the dead, vorlon and shadow sayings as well as this minbari one.
She recited an answer from Zaria – Celestia, to you – saying that the problems of other ponies were not the concern of alicorns.
Awww i dont think Rainbow realizes firefly is dead
Cant wait to see who you write up next.
Dash Academy reference?
And now I wonder what happened to Firefly...
3200059
Thanks for the signal boost! It's much appreciated.
3200290
Hah, that was great. Incidentally, Star Swirl also quotes G'kar.
3301432
Sort of. I found Dash Academy after I'd planned this when I was looking for pictures of G4-style Firefly. But I'm gonna claim it as a reference anyway, because I'm greedy like that. As for what happened to Firefly ... No clue. I might do a Q&A or side tales when this is finished, clear up some mysteries.
This story has an immense amount of heart. Especially after chapter two. R.I.P. Firefly.
Gosh dangit, I feel a feature post coming on... pm me for more details
In the meantime, have my like, fav and follow
3500956
I saw the feature post. Thank you so much, for the feature and for the kind words that came with it. Made me proper smile, that did.
I got the basic grasp of what's going on. At least, I'm pretty sure I did. It's sad, but you did a pretty good job.
This chapter stands out as the most complete realization of concept. Also, the dialog and descriptor use is noticeably more effective.
Vernacular haberdashery.
Wow, for a chapter with only one speaker, you did a great job managing to hold the conversation. You didn't even have to do the whole "repeat what was just said" for me to understand.
Excellent chapter! The last few Bounce lines are a little difficult to figure out, but maybe you could have had a last line something like "Bounce! You know you DON'T have to ask about my love life!"
I don't know if I want to know what Pinkie tried to do with crayons...
Oh man, this was simultaneously hilarious, dark, confusing AND sad.
Well done. Well done indeed.
What the derp! I KNOW I faved this! ARRRRRGH!
This fic kind of needs an epilogue -- maybe even with a friendship letter at the end of it to Celestia.
4761492
Yeah. If I can find the time I'm going to try and put together a decent framing device -- prologue and epilogue -- for this in the next couple of weeks.
I think that was future Pinkie o.o
And this is basically the concept of the mexican festivity: "Dia de los muertos" except we party and talk to dead family members in a philosophical/spiritual sense.
And when RD realize that Firefly is death is not going to be pretty... you have my fav!
Hello! I'm IncoherentOrange of WRITE, and I'm here to review your story, as requested. I usually focus on mechanics, though I'll do my best to give you feedback about what you asked I look at. This'll be quite short, as the story itself is not very lengthy and I have pretty much no grammatical fixes that I can ramble about.
Your tale is already highly-regarded, and it appears to be deserving of that; no noticeable recurring grammatical flaws, a structure that's (usually, as a rare paragraph will drag on a little) easy on the eyes, and that it comes in bite-sized, sort of vignette-esque pieces makes it accessible to more casual readers. All of that around a novel concept. I agree with other readers that it would benefit somewhat from an epilogue, if you feel like adding one after such a long while.
It's clear to me that you know how to write interesting interactions and complimentary characters, though sometimes they could use a little bit more description, and there are occasional instances of slightly-jarring (that I wouldn't really have noticed had I not been looking for it, which is an indication that there's not too much) tell-y stuff as opposed to the good show-y stuff, if you know what I mean. Stuff like this:
Could be explained a little bit more interestingly, don't you think?
The occasional "adult" situations aren't particularly fitting, but that is certainly and purely subjective on my part. However, those are the only problems I can detect, and any further assistance is likely beyond my capabilities. Regardless, I hope that I could provide some insight.
~IncoherentOrange
5297901
You certainly have given me some insight. Thank you for the review -- I really appreciate it.
She didn’t have the courtesy to wake either of her two siblings who would certainly want to talk to their mother again? Or Granny Smith, who might wish to reminisce about old times with them all? I could maybe see one of them forgetting, but not both.
6054738 I imagine that has to do with the spell, and Big Mac and Granny Smith probably have their own visitors...
A very good story. The journey and the telling of it were wonderful but I agree with others: It needs an epilogue. Something to let them come to terms with the event and grieve a little.
And I agree with 4761492. A letter would be great, but I think Rainbow Dash should be writing it, perhaps to Gilda. Her realizing what Firefly couldn't say would be devastating.
You can has review!