Join the Mysterious Mare Do Well as she takes on villains while keeping her secret identity a secret.
(Still working everything out as I go.)
Chapters (6)
- Member Since 15th Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Dec 10th, 2014
Doctoroctagonapus21
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Doctoroctagonapus21
Joined 15th Feb, 2012 ·
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Muy interesante...
Umm... Okay. I've read the first 3 chapters now. To be frankly honest, The story's premise is very nice. The whole Mare Do Well in a Batman type of city caught my attention quickly. Sadly though, your writing is less than par. You use weak verbs constantly, such as looked and said; there are more effective synonyms of these words to consider using.
Also, your story gives very little description and is mainly telling the reader what is happening instead of showing. The plot and emotions rush through, giving the audience no actual pleasure in what is happening. (All these examples will be from chapter 3).
i.e. "Neither one said anything for a good few seconds until the filly said, 'Wait... You're that Mare Do Well.'" This example goes for both my previous comments. Try using different words besides "said". Another thing is that what's the point of stating that no pony said anything, just to have another pony say something right after? Try to include some imagery or something. Give more back story too. What were Scootaloo's experiences in the orphanage that caused her to run away?
Finally, you make some basic errors that proves to me that you have not read over your own stories. You should really be editing your own works before publishing them so that the reader may have a more enjoyable experience.
i.e. "However, a small explosion occurs inside the store, distracting Mare Do Well just enough for the zebra to get away." In this particular sentence, you switch to present tense even though the rest of your story has been in past tense.
The story's not bad, just please but more effort and care into your pieces. Please continue writing though. If you work on this, you will have me coming back for more!