2768266If you're seriously starting out my goodness you are in for one hay of a good ride. At least everyone else had enjoyed it! Feel free to leave any and all insults all over the place about my lousy writing skills ha ha
Your interpretation of the nightmare moon event i must say is by far the most beautiful i have had the pleasure of reading and look forward to reading the rest of this story to see how things play out. My only reccomendation is that you shorten your paragraphs more or just space them out a little better everything seems to clumped together but ignoring the spacing the first chapter was excellent and gives me high hopes for the quality of the rest of the story.
2892200 Honestly it is good to hear that, glad the interpretation was well recieved. thank you for the advice, I suffer from writers block writing. Tried to avoid this later on. Look forward to hearing the rest of your thoughts. Don't get your hopes too high ha ha!
Ok, with the start, I find it difficult to read. The lack of grammatical finesse for a story focused on the poetic sense of the 'story' being told greatly distracts me from the emotion it's trying to get across. Pile the tell-y nature of the writing on top and it makes it even more difficult. You don't get the full force of the feelings it's trying to convey, and it makes it seem cut-and-dry.
Outside of that, the Human (I know that was the human in case it wasn't obvious) knows way too much about the actual happenings (i.e. how Luna commented that a scene was exactly as how she had seen it) for the performance to be plausible and not suspicious, especially considering nobody knew who Nightmare Moon was when she returned from her banishment. Then, you get the typical 'mysterious stranger' cliche to it that many HiE stories like to use for the protagonists and it just makes me want to groan.
P.S. As a side note, the Nightmare Night episode should never have happened, considering how the premier episode played out. If they had a holiday focused around a villain, left candy at the hooves of her likeness every year, and whatnot, then they'd have known exactly who Nightmare Moon was when she had returned.
In future chapters, I'll be ignoring the grammar and word use/spelling in the comments unless it gets well out of hand.
The image was frightening as it convulsed violently on the floor between Luna and Nightmare Moon, a shocked CElestia trying to reach out in vain to her sister.
Is that supposed be like that or.... Anyway! Great job, i'm liking it already
This is a continuation of speech in the same sentence, so don't capitalize "her"
the image followed it too see a Luna
the image followed it to see a Luna
as the body projected began to crack
"projected body" or "body being projected"
The image of Nightmare Moon, clutched her chest
No comma needed.
dear sister dear sister, thou must banish I.
Oh the ways we butcher grammar in order to rhyme.
She had to wipe a tear away hearing her sisters cries again.
"away, hearing" sister's
she was encased in the light, thrown to the sky.
"light and thrown to the sky"
Luna was afraid now, she hated that place.
semicolon not comma
A thousand years past,
passed
The shadow on the moon faded, as did it.
as did it?
Nightmare Moon and her becoming one once more.
becoming one implies that they were separate before. Perhaps becoming balanced?
Luna Joined them
joined
The crowds applause
crowd's
Luna cheering and daring to whistle with them.
these should be past tense
persuading to a very
persuading, to
Luna convinced her to let her see the performers
pronoun confusion
scrambled around to to line up
scrambled around to to line up
he has already left in urgent business
he has already left on urgent business
there was chocolate of sprinkles to consume.
this sounds off since in the previous sentence you referred to them as "sprinkles of chocolate"
Hmm... that got out of hand a bit I hope you don't mind. I was asked to take a look at this story for the HQMF group and ended up doing a bit of editing along with it. Most of the stuff I found was relatively minor, but I know from personal experience that it's tough to catch mistakes when you're editing your own story since your mind glosses them over because it knows what you meant to write. You might want to have an editor look over the rest of these chapters.
Other than the mistakes I've singled out, this story looks pretty entertaining. The rhymes were stretched in a few places, but that's not uncommon to see and it was actually a treat to have rhyming in a story and not be Zecora. The tale of Nightmare Moon is an interesting subject, but should probably take place in the "Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters" in what is now the Everfree forest, not in Canterlot.
Characterization and pacing look good so far, but while this chapter was an interesting bit of backstory, it doesn't serve as a very good hook to the rest of the story. Other than the minor point of the black stallion not being there to greet the princess, there's no tie to the larger picture and little momentum to continue since even Luna, whose PoV we're sharing, simply brushes it off as not being worthy of note.
I feel bad being possibly a bit too critical of this chapter, because it doesn't show that I actually did enjoy it. However, your writing is a touch above most of what I usually see so I feel the need to be more exacting in my expectations. With a little bit of extra polish, this feels like it could really shine.
P.S. I noticed you followed my tumblr... I'm weirdly honored not many have done that. also
I use english spelling
We all use english spelling because that's what language we speak, you don't get to co-opt the word "english", you use "British" spelling. with your extra 'u's and your hatred of the letter 'z'
intresting![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
2768266If you're seriously starting out my goodness you are in for one hay of a good ride. At least everyone else had enjoyed it! Feel free to leave any and all insults all over the place about my lousy writing skills ha ha![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
Your interpretation of the nightmare moon event i must say is by far the most beautiful i have had the pleasure of reading and look forward to reading the rest of this story to see how things play out. My only reccomendation is that you shorten your paragraphs more or just space them out a little better everything seems to clumped together but ignoring the spacing the first chapter was excellent and gives me high hopes for the quality of the rest of the story.
2892200 Honestly it is good to hear that, glad the interpretation was well recieved. thank you for the advice, I suffer from writers block writing. Tried to avoid this later on. Look forward to hearing the rest of your thoughts. Don't get your hopes too high ha ha!
Ok, with the start, I find it difficult to read. The lack of grammatical finesse for a story focused on the poetic sense of the 'story' being told greatly distracts me from the emotion it's trying to get across. Pile the tell-y nature of the writing on top and it makes it even more difficult. You don't get the full force of the feelings it's trying to convey, and it makes it seem cut-and-dry.
Outside of that, the Human (I know that was the human in case it wasn't obvious) knows way too much about the actual happenings (i.e. how Luna commented that a scene was exactly as how she had seen it) for the performance to be plausible and not suspicious, especially considering nobody knew who Nightmare Moon was when she returned from her banishment. Then, you get the typical 'mysterious stranger' cliche to it that many HiE stories like to use for the protagonists and it just makes me want to groan.
P.S. As a side note, the Nightmare Night episode should never have happened, considering how the premier episode played out. If they had a holiday focused around a villain, left candy at the hooves of her likeness every year, and whatnot, then they'd have known exactly who Nightmare Moon was when she had returned.
In future chapters, I'll be ignoring the grammar and word use/spelling in the comments unless it gets well out of hand.
Is that supposed be like that or.... Anyway! Great job, i'm liking it already![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
released
Luna
This is a continuation of speech in the same sentence, so don't capitalize "her"
the image followed it to see
aLuna"projected body" or "body being projected"
No comma needed.
Oh the ways we butcher grammar in order to rhyme.![:facehoof:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/facehoof.png)
"away, hearing" sister's
"light and thrown to the sky"
semicolon not comma
passed
as did it?![:twilightoops:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightoops.png)
becoming one implies that they were separate before. Perhaps becoming balanced?
joined
crowd's
these should be past tense
persuading, to
pronoun confusion
scrambled around to
toline uphe has already left on urgent business
this sounds off since in the previous sentence you referred to them as "sprinkles of chocolate"
Hmm... that got out of hand a bit
I hope you don't mind. I was asked to take a look at this story for the HQMF group and ended up doing a bit of editing along with it.
Most of the stuff I found was relatively minor, but I know from personal experience that it's tough to catch mistakes when you're editing your own story since your mind glosses them over because it knows what you meant to write.
You might want to have an editor look over the rest of these chapters.
Other than the mistakes I've singled out, this story looks pretty entertaining. The rhymes were stretched in a few places, but that's not uncommon to see and it was actually a treat to have rhyming in a story and not be Zecora.
The tale of Nightmare Moon is an interesting subject, but should probably take place in the "Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters" in what is now the Everfree forest, not in Canterlot.
Characterization and pacing look good so far, but while this chapter was an interesting bit of backstory, it doesn't serve as a very good hook to the rest of the story. Other than the minor point of the black stallion not being there to greet the princess, there's no tie to the larger picture and little momentum to continue since even Luna, whose PoV we're sharing, simply brushes it off as not being worthy of note.
I feel bad being possibly a bit too critical of this chapter, because it doesn't show that I actually did enjoy it. However, your writing is a touch above most of what I usually see so I feel the need to be more exacting in my expectations.
With a little bit of extra polish, this feels like it could really shine.![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
P.S. I noticed you followed my tumblr...
I'm weirdly honored not many have done that.
also
We all use english spelling because that's what language we speak, you don't get to co-opt the word "english", you use "British" spelling.![:rainbowwild:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowwild.png)
with your extra 'u's and your hatred of the letter 'z' ![:rainbowlaugh:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowlaugh.png)