I did not want to die; I wanted to live, but cruel fate ruined that when the bullet found me. These are my final thoughts as the life spills from my veins.
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kalash93
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As I write this comment, this story has more likes than views.
Mr. Kalash, you have succeeded.
2705624
Go home, stats, you are drunk.
I have no words other than respect.
This has my fave. My Upvote.
And you? You get my follow.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Dayum. Still trying to figure out if I enjoyed this. I deffinatly had strong feelings for it. Need to decide if they are good or bad...
The ending is just so.......somber? It's hard to find the proper words, to begin to describe this. All I can really say is that this was definitely one of the best fic's I've felt that was genuinely worth reading in awhile.
This was...spectacular. So moving, that's all I can say. It was just so well crafted. This story is a worthy dedication.
This story deserves more views! Aside of that, it's a beautifully crafted fanfic.
dude i love your stories and he was a true soldier the stuff he went through man just wow awesome work
This story struck a nerve with me, because my uncle was in the war in Afganistan, and this definately could have happened to him. (Well, something similar) This author is very talented, and I encourage them to keep writting.
Very nice use of imginery. You've got talent.
2710527
What do you mean by that, exactly? I'm a bit confused. Was it a critique of the story, a comment of praise for the story, or a random political viewpoint?
Good job, I could really feel the passion in the lines. Great execution, it's just the small details that could be improved. As someone aspiring to join the Army myself and knowing more about the military than most young men my age, it would be more believable if he didn't keep mowing down lines of enemies, further driving home the point that in war there are rarely heroes; you're just in the grinder trying to survive. The fact that he is facing a standing army with more training than those from his side strains the willing suspension of disbelief when none of them employ correct tactics, rushing to get mowed down. Furthermore, when the enemy commander right in front of him, after shooting him twice, couldn't even stop him from deploying the grenade as he was rolling around in agony having more bullets in him than any ordinary mammal could endure, I was no longer as deeply immersed as I was at the beginning of the story. If I were to write something similar, I would have less heroism and more bleeding out alone. After all, you can't spell sympathetic without "pathetic"
Lastly, guns should be standardized amongst standing armies. Since you called them the "Bundeswehrmacht", it would make sense for the commander to use an H&K P8 or USP, even a Walther P1 rather than a 1911 from another continent. While an M4A1 or FN Minimi would not be impossible for an insurgent force to acquire, if you wish to protray the average insurgent riflemen from a location heavily inspired by Eastern Europe, it would be more fitting if he uses an AK variant, like the AK74M. You did portray the operation of firearm realistically however, and I commend you for that. The double-feeding can be a problem with all firearms, and using the bolt release to chamber the next round instead of using the charging handle is a nice touch. The imagery would be the highlight of the story, and the details regarding combat could be overlooked if one wasn't as nit-picky as I was.
I give you a thumbs up.
2721686
Thank you for that damn good review. I meant to say something more along the sides of suppressed the enemy, with hitting most of those who tried to fire back or advance, though they are heavily outnumbered, with one fireteam against at least a whole platoon with a company behind them. The last part of the fic, from the second shot to the grenade, takes place over maybe a single minute at the most. He's drugged up on a pretty strong dose of morphine and quite a lot of adrenaline. The first shot was a mortal wound, but it would have taken him a while to die from that, and it didn't sever too many muscles.
The enemy leader is just another ordinary soldier, just like the protagonist. He wasn't paying attention to what the downed protagonist was doing. Admittedly, I played rule of cool here with the m1911. However, cultures and firearms are not perfectly aligned and split between the different factions of my headcanon. I suppose that I really ought to just make one big unified Zebricy Civil War fic so this all gets sorted into one place. However, let me give a brief overview. Griffons produce USSR/WarPac/CIS arms, which they export a lot of. Zebras produce western European arms like FN, HK, CETME, Beretta, and such. Equestria mainly produces US arms. It's not at all unreasonable for the insurgents to have your typical "government" weapons, given their environment and the fact that they're scrambling for any weapons they can get. It's all fairly fluid, with a pretty wild, unrestricted arms trade in my headcanon.
I'm glad that you got the eastern European influences, although the main influences are meant to be more western European to make it more accessible to more viewers, as well as to provide an interesting spin on the tropes. And yes, I take massive influences from Soviet and post-Soviet conflicts, Make an insurgent just an angry foreigner with a Kalashnikov, and he is going to be hard to seperate from the prevailling image of terrorists. In your head, you're still cheering for his death. But make him a fellow westerner and give him an AR, and it's much easier to call him a freedom fighter being persecuted and slain by a Fascist state. I always love dicking with the heroic equipment and villainous equipment tropes. The AKMS is an AK variant. I included the line about the AK-47 to partially be ironic, as well as show that he isn't a gun geek. In some of my other stories, AK-74's abound. Roughly, Zebricy = Germany, and Chechneya = Austria. They have seperate cultural identities, though linguistic similarities.
I originally tried the bleeding out all alone concept, but found that to be much tougher to write, especially with word count considerations, as well as going overboard on the woe is me mellodrama. I also thought that it made a far more interesting story to have a character with complexity and conflict. A single shot and then just 4000 words of lamenting how horrible war and dying are is just overdoing it; that's twisting feels just for the sake of twisting feels. Yes, he's a kid, and yes, he's scared. However, he's also defiant and capable of rising to the occasion.
Again, thank you very much for the great comment. I've taken some thing under advisement and I will get around to editing the story to include your suggestions. I was being a bit myopic with my almsot obsessive character focus. If you'd ever like to talk war, weapons, action, or stories, then hit me up. You sound like a good man to work on an action piece with.
2721942
I'd be more than happy to talk to you about army stuff
I'd be interested in where you're from, what firearms you own, whether your display picture is what you wear to airsoft games, etc. You can add me on Skype, name's "Cifyra", or if you don't use Skype, we can talk elsewhere. Anyways, I'll let you know what I think of your comments and offer some advice.
"The enemy leader is just another ordinary soldier, just like the protagonist. He wasn't paying attention to what the downed protagonist was doing."
Being a leader, he should have enough training as to make sure he's dead before looking/walking away. He might have made a mistake and I get that, but it's an unlikely mistake seeing how well soldiers are trained today.
"Admittedly, I played rule of cool here with the m1911. However, cultures and firearms are not perfectly aligned and split between the different factions of my headcanon."
That's cool. Many stories that take place in fictional universes have that. Still, once you start bringing in cultural references and names of real cities from the real world into your story, it gets confusing. It would be better if you didn't use names like Chechneyan(Chechnya) or Grazny(Grozny). It would be like the United States of Americania using QBZ-95 rifles. Sure, you can explain Americania using QBZ-95 rifles, but for a short story like yours where explaining the backstory would take up too much time, it would be better If you made up a new name for your country.
"Make an insurgent just an angry foreigner with a Kalashnikov, and he is going to be hard to seperate from the prevailling image of terrorists. In your head, you're still cheering for his death. But make him a fellow westerner and give him an AR, and it's much easier to call him a freedom fighter being persecuted and slain by a Fascist state."
Actually, I don't think it matters what gun he is using. For example, in the Russian movie, the 9th Company, all the protagonists are Soviet soldiers using AK74's, and it received positive reviews from westerners. All one needs to do is to have the story told from his point of view and he automatically gets the reader's sympathy unless he starts killing babies. Deep down we know that we are all the same, and in recent years the view that the American soldier wielding an M16 being the paragon of the "free world" has been tainted by atrocities in Afghani and Iraqi wars. Our generation is the generation that questions everything, even things that our government tells us, just as any patriot should do. In addition, many of the US allies uses the AKM/Type 56 while their enemy uses the FN-FAL, the "right arm of the free world", so I don't think the type of weaponry really matters. If you really want to know, where I'm from the QBZ-95 is the "good guy's" rifle, and the M16 the "bad guy's" rifle. But I can still sympathize with US Marines in Black Hawk Down because I can relate to their personal suffering. I don't care what gun he's using, just who he is.
"The last part of the fic, from the second shot to the grenade, takes place over maybe a single minute at the most. He's drugged up on a pretty strong dose of morphine and quite a lot of adrenaline. The first shot was a mortal wound, but it would have taken him a while to die from that, and it didn't sever too many muscles."
If you have watched Saving Private Ryan, you should know that morphine only dulls the pain, but the pain is still there. Having a mortal wound can still take a long time. But having a grenade set off near him and then surviving two more shots from a .45 caliber bullet should have him either writhing in pain or on the ground, unable to move from the pain. If I was you, I would have him pull the pin on the grenade before he gets shot twice and before the pain from the grenade sets in. His last memories before he blacks out should be him feeling the grenade rolling off his hoof. That would make it much more mellow. Also, since he is in a small space, firing his rifle would make his ears ring. I have shot a pistol in an indoor range without ear protection just to see what it's like, and it's not fun. A grenade exploding next to him would have made him completely deaf for at least a day. You should definitely mention the ringing in his ears.
I originally tried the bleeding out all alone concept, but found that to be much tougher to write, especially with word count considerations, as well as going overboard on the woe is me mellodrama. I also thought that it made a far more interesting story to have a character with complexity and conflict. A single shot and then just 4000 words of lamenting how horrible war and dying are is just overdoing it; that's twisting feels just for the sake of twisting feels. Yes, he's a kid, and yes, he's scared. However, he's also defiant and capable of rising to the occasion.
You're right, a single shot and 4000 words can be pushing it. The key is to find a good balance between action and emotion. But facing enemies who knows he is there and not getting shot while he kills them is still stretching it. I would have him get shot in the arms, legs, shoulders, any non-vital points along the way, only able to fire his rifle with his only good hoof. He should have the enemies suppressed with his shaking aim, keeping them at bay as their leader flanks him and takes him down with his pistol. I would also have the enemies writhing in pain, being dragged by their comrades to safety as they screamed for their mothers. It would make him seem less invincible and his enemies more "equine".
"I meant to say something more along the sides of suppressed the enemy, with hitting most of those who tried to fire back or advance"
That's a good start. In combat, you don't know if you killed a guy or even shot him. If you have played combat simulators like ArmA or Project Reality mod for Battlefield 2, you sometimes don't even know you killed a guy until you check the scoreboard at the end of a game. Sometimes the guy you "killed" takes 5 minutes to bleed out, sometimes you shot at a bush but don't know if there is an enemy there. Battles are very chaotic, and by being vague on whether or not the hero even shot someone makes the fear even more crushing. A good film would be "Full Metal Jacket", where you never see enemies face-to-face and the squad are firing upon dark windows, doorways, etc. after their teammates gets sniped from the shadows. When they do confront the sniper, it turns out she was a 13 year old girl with a VZ 58 assault rifle. You could have one of his teammate dying similarly at the beginning to show the hopelessness of war.
At the end of the day, it was a fun read and I look forward to reading the improved story. Good luck on your future works and ever stop writing!
Wunderbar Meine Freund
images.wikia.com/soulsacrifice/images/a/a6/Big-Boss-Salute-720x408.jpg
Okay, I have two things to say about this. One, the plotline was rather dull and pointless. It was in essence like adding dialogue to a generic MW3 gameplay with an anthro tag thrown in to ensure that it would be approved for this site. Basically, there was really no point. As for the writing itself, it was rather enjoyable and while there wasn't much meaning behind it, I found this story rather entertaining and some of the comments rather snarky, such as the AK-47 hate that the protagonist exuded. So this fic has really left me with rather mixed feelings. I don't know whether to downvote this, rant, and hunt you down and chop your balls off, or to upvote, fav, praise it, and track you down and kiss you full on the mouth. Damn you and thank you for confusing me.
Your Authors Helping Authors Review will be posted tomorrow
2833608
Disclaimer: I am neither a Russian nor an internet tough guy.
Thanks for your comment. Even negative feedback is better than no feedback, after all. And putting some depth into it was quite nice of you, so honestly, thank you.
Okay, I ought to set the record straight. This oneshot story is actually linked to some of my other writings. It's another little episode within the wider story arc. That Bronco guy also shows up in another one of my stories and I have plans to use him further. In terms of writingg, while I have played MW3, I did not inspire it AT ALL on the modern warfare games series. This fic is actually based on the Chechen wars of the 1990's and the turn of the millenium. The fic itself was inspired directly by the song, "Ne Hotel Umirat'" (ENG:Did Not Want To Die).
Horribly rough and probably very wrong partial translation:
Chorus: "You'll go a long way, my friend told me. And I believed him until the assault rifle struck me."
1'st verse: I fell, hands raking the dust, and I couldn't get up. I didn't want to die, and I didn't understand.
2'nd verse: Life is better in Kandagar -- that bloody chamber, than it is die when you don't even understand.
I'm glad you found it enjoyable. There wasn't much deeper meaning or symbolism behind it. I just really wanted to tell a painful, tragic tale. IRL, I am a massive Kalashnikov fan, with AK rifles appearing as protagonist weapons in other stories of mine. The comments are half humorous and half ironic. Essentially, if it sucks so much, then why is it doing such a damn good job, especially considering that a supposedly superior weapon failed and is the whole reason why the protagonist is mortally wounded when it failed.
That means it's made an impact, which means mission accomplished for me. Mixed feelings are common results of reading my war stories. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
This review is brought to you by Authors Helping Authors
Grammar: 8 -- The story as a whole is very well constructed, but I did notice at least three general spelling errors and one case of tense confusion, nothing major and glaring however.
Pros
1. The story is very fast paced, but this is done in a way to make the reader engaged and captivated from the very beginning.
2. The military knowledge and German quotes gives a good sense of realism.
3. The passage near the end of the pointlessness of war is very poignant and I found it quite moving.
Cons
1. Although this is also a good thing, the nature of dropping the reader straight into a warzone (figuratively) of action and violence can be a bit disorientating.
2. It's okay for me, but to those who don't speak German and/or know nothing of military weapons, the story can seem a bit unappealing in the sense that we are given a barrage of gun names in fairly short intervals. I know next to naught of guns, so I didn't know what most of these did.
3. We are given hardly reasons for the conflict. The hints and mentions of the 'Federal' forces and 'invaders' only gives us so much. Whos fighting who? How long for?
Comments
In all honesty, I was skeptical about reviewing this as soon as I started reading. I personally, do not think that guns and modern warfare is very appealing - you seem to lose the romantic heroism and honour of battle once you have the power to deal death at a distance. But in spite of this, I found this story quite moving. You give a wonderful description to the horror of mechanised warfare, and your use of imagery is superb. This will definitely be one of the more memorable fics I've read on this site. Your knowledge of this type of environment is clearly evident in the writing, especially your use of sound. As I said before, the German quotes are realistic and add a sense of realism, and my love of language made me smile every time I saw it used.
The only mistakes I found were primarily spelling, but nothing too major and they can be easily fixed. Overall, i found this story quite enjoyable. It deviated from the stereotypical 'war-guns-explosion' stories with the sheer level of writing quality. The ending also marked it as being incredibly sombre and poignant, something which a lot of these types of stories lack.
Final score: 8/10
I hope you found this review useful. And if it's not too much to ask, as you've already reviewed one story of mine, I would appreciate it if you could review: That Place Beyond the Sea...
Thank you
Went out like a Mutha Humpin boss. Respect.
Review brought to you by, Authors Helping Authors
Grammar: 8.5, In the beginning there were a few errors.
Just needs to be "tightly".
"s" pluralizes unnecessarily.
Besides that I didn't really notice many glaring errors, just small ones.
Pros:
1. I thought the scene descriptions were beautiful. It really allowed me to see what the characters were seeing. I also felt as if I was apart of the action.
2. The raw emotion is great! While reading it I got caught up in the moment. It works really well while reading. (This is followed up in the next section).
3. The use of metaphors and quick sentences really help me understand the situation. From a simple, "sound like wheels over cobblestone" or
made it feel like something was happening. It didn't feel stagnate like other stories would.
Cons:
1. DON'T. GIVE. AWAY. ENDING. IN. DESCRIPTION. I already have a strong dislike for stories that have "sad" or "tragedy" in the tag. It tells me what the conclusion is going to be. But if you tell me blatantly, I don't have an incentive to read it. It destroys all my hope for the situation, and makes me want to avoid the story. I don't want to know the ending unless. . .
2. You need to make the character so interesting that I need to forget his fate. This is essential. If I can get wrapped up in the character so much that I forget his fate, then the ending has real impact. But it was constant throughout the story that he was going to die. Also I felt that after I thought about the emotions in the scene, they felt insincere because. . .
3. You need to show, not tell. You quickly skimmed over the main characters personal life. That's what gets me connected. You should of focused on that and then the fighting. I want to know: What kind of novel did he want to write, what was his girlfriend really like, what was his childhood like (in-depth). These things would aid your main goal in sympathizing with soldiers and hate war even more.
Notes:
I think I've pretty much said what I wanted to say. The story was good on a base level. Just reading through it got me emotional, and you achieved the goal in convincing of your ideology. However when I think about the story, it seems disingenuous to a degree. I would work on creating a life for a character, instead of putting a character in a situation while juggling their story. But keep up on the beautiful scene descriptions and wondrous emotion building scenes.
2901175 2858976
Thank you for the good, deep, reviews. I will take these things to heart for my next similar piece.
2867429
That's not what I was trying to convey at all. I wanted to convey the bittersweet nature of such heroic individuals living, but also the painful reality of their deaths. This fic is neither antiwar nor prowar.
3028793 And? That's cool way to die.
My god... F#CKING BEAUTIFUL!!
Absolutely beautiful. I got out of the military a couple years ago, so this really hit home.
Странно что Федералы не охраняли конвой медведей, гружёный стратегическими запасами водки. Это добавило бы истории реализма.
p.s. А ведь можешь. История вызвала желание "просто взять и уебать". Автора. Значит добился эмоционального отклика.
3028855
Regardless of how 'cool' it might be, it still sucks.
3142128
I'm glad you like it.
3150365
For lack of a better phrase, mission accomplished. To have a war story praised by a solider is a great thing.
Anyway, units? M.O.S.? Dates? Branch? Rank?
3164091
По-русски:
___________
Ну, как же так ты знал что, я могу говорить по-русски?
Был трудно мне переводить, потому что я учусь язык только один год. Я думаю я понимаю твои слова.
Хахахаха, русский юмор о водке!
Так, тебе понравилась история. Отлично!
Спасибо.
Как мой употребление русского языка?
____________________
In English:
__________
Hey, how did you know that I can speak in Russian?
It was tough for me to translate, because I have studied Russian for only one year. I think I understand your words.
Hahahahaha, Russian humor about vodka!
So, you liked the story. Excellent!
Thank you.
How is my use of the Russian language?
3164213
I was in B31st Engineers. My MOS was 12B (Combat Engineer), Army: 2011-2012. Got discharged due to a leg injury. Rank: E-3, Private First Class.
Keep up the good work.
Довольно очевидно.
Желаю удачи. Судя по отзывам, наш язык довольно сложен.
Скорее ирония. Не уверен, насколько видна разница.
Я бы не хотел вступать в долгий спор о той войне, но идея "защищающих свой дом свободных
людейпони", несколько меня удивляет.Нет, не понравилась. Она вызвала у меня эмоции.
Всегда пожалуйста. Для первого года обучения, вполне достойно, хотя глазам немного больно. Впрочем, полагаю, мой английский не лучше.
3164213 Of course! But if I were in a situation like this, I would want to die giving my squamates a chance to escape.
Awesome! I love this.
I had to go back after reading "Black Tulip" and read this again. I must say that I am quite impressed by your use of the Kavkaz conflict as opposed to Desertistan as the setting for your stories. You've done fairly well with the premise and capturing the Boyevikii's mindset. Specifically, this quote grabbed my attention:
. One of the major differences between the Russian and Chechen battle-mindsets was that Russia would trade land and men for time, either to safely evacuate or bring in reinforcements, whereas Chechen soldiers and militants tended to expend massive amounts of resources and equipment, to hold the Russian Army at bay. They would sooner drown the soil and choke the grass in their own blood than see foreign boots upon it, and would fight like the wolves of the mountains to see it so. Such a strategy might have succeeded were Russia led by, say, an inner-city community organizer and one-term Duma representative, as opposed to a former General, and later, the former Chief of the KGB. Unfortunately, it did not. Then again, the rise of radical Islamist leaders like Doku Umarov and Emir Khattab might have been prevented had Russia not chosen to kill the moderate leader the country had in the form of Dzokhar Dudayev, or leveled 70% of the country in massive saturation-bombing campaigns. But it seems we'll never know the answer to that one now.
4138554
Spasibo! I am going to have to start using Desertistan, because that is a brilliant term.
My apologies, but why was this added to the World Wars group? It's a fine story, but it doesn't seem to have much to do with either of them.
4199779
Did I add it or did somebody else? If I added it, then I probably was aiming for Worldbuilding Alliance.
4249786
You did not add it, from what I can tell; probably someone else.
All the same though.
I'll be honest, I did notice a few spelling mistakes, but the story was so powerful that it straight up outshines them. I withhold criticism, and tip my hat to you. Nobody else has been this perfect.
Like the last comment, I did see some spelling mistakes and minor hiccups, but story-wise, I loved it! I ended up just ignoring the bits of German dialogue for a couple of reasons, and I don’t think it would change the story much for me if I did know what they were saying.