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Luna Investigative Agencies, after hiring a detective, is on the trail of a mass murderer, who kills only Earth ponies. The murderer is claiming victims by the day, but the trail has run cold. Will the detective ever catch up to the murderer? And will the murderer ever change her ways?
Told from 3rd person (about the detective) and 1st person perspective (from the murderer.)
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Hello. I want to start this off by saying that I haven't found a place to specifically put critiques (I'm brand new at this site), but I wanted to go ahead and let you know that I enjoyed this piece and wanted to give you a small critique. First of all, I do enjoy the idea of following a thrilling murder investigation through Equestria, and I feel you have built a foundation here that can be pretty solid. I feel like your choice to try and show both sides of the crime is quite intriguing. I know that aspect could work really well for this line of writing. I also feel you made the right choice by having a character we all know and love get involved right from the start. It gives your readers something familiar to hold on to while the story attempts the grab their attention.
In attempts to be helpful, I do also want to bring up a few things I feel could improve your writing as you continue on. The first thing I want to say is that Private Investigators are pretty notorious for not working with government agencies often. That is the point of them being "private." The quote
doesn't quite ring true. I'm not saying that such investigations are never involved in such things, but to regard your P.I. as working with the government as part of the typical job wouldn't be totally true. The other aspect I want to bring up involves the classic struggle of "show vs. tell." When you're able to, I suggest always to show your audience instead of tell. Example:
is a quote that can benefit from this. The name of the game is "imagery." And, unfortunately, "nervously inched" doesn't paint much of an image. Instead, ask yourself, "well, how do I know he's nervous?" What are the visual clues you would see from him to let you know he was nervous in the first place? Example: Big Mac's teeth clamped tight and his eyes fixed, wide on the bush as he slowly shifted one shaking hoof in front of the other. The same consideration should be given to the murderer. Try to show the elation and the adrenaline, instead of tell. One place where you exhibited good "telling" was here:
This easily shows that the room is in disarray and chaos. It also paints a vivid picture in my head about with specific actions. Ponies taking the news very hard, wallowing on the ground. One is even hyperventilating. All the while, our cool P.I. merely sighs and shakers her head. I felt you painted quite a nice image here. Not only does it effectively show how important this failure is, but also how cool headed our P.I. is. Keep up with imagery like that.
All together, I feel like this story has some potential, and I will go ahead and follow this when I finish this comment. I look forward to seeing how this develops.
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I'll work on the whole "telling vs. showing" thing; I distinctly remember that from journalism class. Thanks again, and I hope to keep seeing you around the site! 
Thank you for the information! I am an extremely new writer (never written anything other than schoolwork before fimfiction!), so I am at a disadvantage when it comes to experience. However, I will think about what you've said as I revise the prologue and add future chapters.
P.S. I don't think there is a place specifically for critiques, one simply just comments.
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Thanks for the heads up about comment vs. critique.
Also, the best thing I can tell you is just to keep up what you're doing. Writing can be a wonderful thing, and which each story we write, we learn a little bit more. I look forward to seeing more from you.
Interesting... a little rough around the edges, but not bad.
Let's see if you can keep me interested.