Let's just say your luck with the mares isn't all that great, two months in Ponyville and you've had your heart stomped on more times than you can count. That coupled with the fact you've lost your job, your house, and have barely enough bits to feed yourself means your life isn't exactly going so great. And after another botched attempt at a relationship you're ready to swear off of the whole dating game for good.
But after a night of drunken debauchery you awaken to find yourself in the service of Ponyville's premiere fashionista, you're willing to forget your previous pledge to the single life after she proves herself to be the kindest and most generous pony you've ever met, but only time will tell if she'll be your future lover or the next in line of a long list of mare's who you'd rather forget.
Not too bad at all. Good length, paced decently and reasonably well written. You are missing a few commas here and there but nothing too major. I will say, however, that your decision to keep the name Ditzy was... Interesting haha.
Keep up the good work!
This is pretty good I cant wait for more
Moar.
207594 Thank you very much. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for any other mistakes such as those, and as for the choice to keep Derpy's name as Ditzy, at the time of writing the episode where her name was actually written hadn't aired. And I really only found this sitting in my files today, I'd almost forgotten I'd written it so I only did some minor changes and then posted it.
Thought this was pretty good really. Looking forward to more!
Damn! I just got crushed!
Ah, I love it. These stories fly or fail based on the mane character being too perfect (or a perfect fit for another character, made for shipping purposes and having little depth) or too tragic. You DO seem to skirt the line a little bit with the perfectness and the tragicness, but I don't feel like it overwhelms this character, not yet, because, well, he HAS character. It feels like he's the focus, not just the romance, and that's refreshing for an OC story. I like this character and I want to see what happens next to him.
Good work, and keep that balance up with your character.
207965 Yeah that's my problem with OC stories as well and I really tried to avoid it. I really wanted to keep him from being too attractive too loveable and too perfect, because a character without flaws is a badly written character. But thanks! I appreciate it.
I was a little leery of an introduction over 6,000 words, but it managed to hold my attention until the end.
I like how you start with something broad and then whittle down the uncertainty with small details. Best example being at the end. Broadness of just "bad luck with mares" then giving examples, reinforced by showing outside instances, and brought to a point of the four certain words which you then jam into the reader and leave them wanting more.
Which is, I guess, a way of saying that I'm wanting more. Definitely looking forward to seeing where you take it.
207995 Thank you, I appreciate it very much.
ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=1622122037796&id=537344192defdd593fae9fb0beeb210e
MUST... HAVE... MOAR
Wonderful story, I can't wait for the next chapter! I'm really enjoying your writing style in this kind of story, and even though you haven't done something like this before, I assure you that you did a great job!
See ya! :D
"Oh...uh... hey...'you',"
shopb.com.br/ecommerce_site/arquivos4488/arquivos/1301367296_1.jpg
The only way that can get even more awkward is if she slowly closes the door without saying anything else.
...Anyway, I like this! Nicely written, just the right length (Unless you plan to make the chapters longer after this introduction... Then uh... It's not enough!), nice pacing, too. Characters feel real and there are no glaring spelling or grammar mistakes. Atleast, none that made me stop to read the whole sentence again.
Keep up the awesome work!
233535 Thank you! I appreciate it, and second chapter will probably be either equal to or longer in length. I'm still kind of ironing it out.
A new chapter?!
myfacewhen.net/uploads/961-aww-yeah.jpg
And wow, this was really worth the wait.
Woah... I'm writing a 2nd person Rarity ship fic too. It's like we're soul brothers or something.
259387 Do you have a scar on your right thigh. Because if you do we may have been separated at birth! But I'll definitely be checking out your fic as soon as I can.
Hey thanks pal!
259474 I do!
...not.
We can still be non-soul soul brothers, though.
I have a scar on my right thigh. Although I was from a 'misunderstanding' with a dude who hated my guts.
that is italian
I believe Rarity LOVES Prench (French)
My beloved in French is mon bien-aimé
260218 Yes I realize it's Italian, that was intentional. I plan on making Rarity know all the fancy shmancy languages in this fic, you'll probably see some French down the line as well.
260243 ah I didn't know either of those
Google translate ftw
Excellent chapter! well done!
excellent chapter
"la mia amata" <- I take Rarity says this?
I don't learn italian, pero yo aprendo español. But if Rarity was to say "la mia amata" she would say, "the my beloved" (I think
) so she should just say "mia amata" BUT! "Mia amata" would be what she would say to her marefriend... "Mi amato" would be what she'd say to the reader (Assuming the reader's character is male)...
TL;DNR: Change "la mia amata" to "mi amato".
I think that Smanish (Ponies speak Smanish in Smane) is better then Istallion (Ponies speak Istallion in Istalli) for quiet romantic sequences... So I think "Mi amor" would be better, but LOOK! I HAVE A LIST (
) OF APPROPRIATE SPANISH PHRASES THAT CAN FIT THE LAST LINE QUITE NICELY!
Buenas Noche, mi amor.
Buenas Noche, mi corazón.
Sueños dulces, mi novio.
Tiene un dormir dulce, mi amor.
Te quiero, buen sueño
No más, porque no tengo tiempo escribir. Muchas gracias por su tiempo, y para leer mi comentario.
265471 I see where your coming from, but in keeping with the character I think Rarity would probably take up learning French and Italian before she would Spanish. So sorry, maybe I could use these at some other point, and they are good translations mind, but I don't think I'll be changing the last part.
What I had tried to say before, but with less politeness...
“la mia amata." :Italian------English: "The my beloved girl"
(To "Goodnight, mi amato")
If you don't all the Italians in the world will slap you silly with olive branches.
266139 Oh and thanks for pointing it out by the way.
266530>>266533 (it's called the edit button)
Thanks!
Saw the update and decided to wait until I was less busy to sit down to it. Good chapter. The sensations were nicely described and the final scene in the dark was written very well. The conversations with Rarity had a nice flow, keeping characters in character with their mannerisms and felt very natural. The bit of falling down the stairs was beautiful, starting with the character's motivation of what he was trying to avoid along with a humorous aside from his past, the slow and careful decent, ending up all for naught by the hooves of a little excitable youth. Then it goes on into a level of detail that truly gave the feeling of involvement. Not many think to go into the specifics of such a quick moment, but it was a nice touch.
My only complaint: I said last chapter that you have a nice way of beginning broad and bringing it to a fine point with details. While the drunken night would fit the bill, I'm not sure it was in the best way. In the last chapter, it felt as if we were slowly delving deeper into the story, adding more and more to the immersion as it went on. Here, it was more of just keeping us in the dark for a while and felt more like we were being brought up to speed rather than diving in. Also, the last chapter brought the details a little at a time, consistently and gradually. Here, it was just all brought back in one explanation from Rarity, which was rather sudden after a while of knowing nothing and wasn't as engaging as seeing the details play out in front of or in the mind of the character. Although, for the sake of the story, I can see how that would be hard to replicate given the circumstances.
My complaint is minor compared to the rest of the chapter. Very nice work and I'd love to see what else you have in store.
269307 Thanks, I'll try and keep things more immersive from now on and I'll avoid piling all the information onto the reader like I did this time. I suppose it's kind of like breaking the show don't tell rule with movies, I'll definitely try and keep an eye out for a mistake like that again during the next chapter. And thanks again, I've found your comments are incredibly helpful.
Iiiiinteresting; I'll be keeping an eye out for updates on this one. I don't think I've seen a woobie being second-person'ed before.
Bah, when I read the first chapter I somehow forgot to track this. Now that I found it again, I'm glad I did.
I really like where this is going. The story flows well, and I think the pacing is spot on. Rarity falling for someone over a couple simple, honorable actions is a very believable.
Now for the grammar nitpicking. You're homonym errors abound! (see what I did there?) no seriously now, the word your is swapped for you're a lot.
Also my French side hopes to see Rarity speak the language of love.
Bonne nuit mon amour.
289254 Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it. And yes, I'm painfully aware of my mistakes with your and you're, and it's one of the few things I'm actually really bad at keeping an eye out for when I write, I'm trying really hard to crack down on it and make sure I slip up less often. And Rarity will more than likely speak some French later on, I only used Italian because I figured it was a little less cliche.
brilliant.jpg
Booya! New Chapter!
ALLONS-Y!!!
Ooooh spike gonna be sooo jelly
god this chapter made me crack up
keep em comeing..if thats alright with you
Oho, so Rarity's been gushing about him to her folks, eh? Iiiiinteresting ...
486102 Oh it's alright with me. Glad you enjoyed it!
when the seen were rarity's mother came in and started making all those comments, i-well, i feel these emoticons help display my thought better
beginning
middle
further in the middle
end
I can't tell you how glad I am at seeing this updated! Can't wait until the next update!
Awesome, an update. Keep up the amazing work, Gmoney!
494698 Thank you very much!
Just a little advice here. When a character is speaking to another character and address them directly, for example, "it's not flattery if it's true Miss Rarity", there should be a comma before Miss Rarity. There are quite a few instances of this present. Other than that repetitive error, grammar mistakes are sporadic enough that I have already forgotten about them, which in my opinion, is par for the course.
Keep up the good work, dear gentlecolt. I definitely like where this is going. I feel like I said that before. Hmmmm. Oh well.
– M@
501316 Hmm, honestly didn't know that. Thanks for pointing it out, I'll keep an eye out for mistakes like that in the future.
>29 likes
>1 dislike
^^^^^^^^^^^^
See that guy?
He can eat a bag of dicks.
527576 Ha, well I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll try and have an update soon.