The world around you is enshrouded in an oily black fog, playing at the edge of your vision; your body moves as if you’re knee deep in water, every command is muddled, every step unsure. Where are you?
“The only difference - the ONLY difference - between you and me is that YOU got lucky!”
The voice - alien - though familiar - sounds distant and far away. You stumble forward, hooves outstretched as you swipe at the shadows in your way, desperately trying to find the source.
“You want to be my son? What to make me ‘proud’ of you? Then maybe you should step up and start acting like a damn adult!”
Your stomach churns, as if someone had stuck you with a knife of guilt and given it a twist. You can feel hot tears running down your cheeks. You try, you really, really, do... wh-why can’t he see that?
You shake your head, wiping a hoof against your eyes in an attempt to clear those thick rivulets of sadness away. When the tears stop falling you look up, your jaw dropping when... He... steps forward. Slinking out of the shadows like some kind of beast, a monster from a foal’s story book, a blinding white row of shining sharp teeth the only prominent feature you can see. His lips curled upwards into a devilish grin as he relishes in your personal anguish.
“That’s right! Whore! I know what she is! I know what you are... And now... so do they.”
Anger. Boiling hot, untapped rage, coursing through your veins, making you stronger, faster! You don’t care if he’s bigger than you! Don’t care if he’s a monster! Don’t care if what he says is true! The only thing you can think about is smashing in those Celestia-damned teeth!
“SHUT UP!” You throw your weight into him, knocking him to the ground, thick black wisps flying off of him as you do, as if you’d peeled away some of that evil blackness with the impact. That grin disappears, if only for a moment, as you throw yourself on top of him, pressing him to the ground.
He lets loose a cackle, deep and rumbly, his voice carrying a sort of disturbing otherworldly tone, as if it was being conjured up from the depths of Tartarus. “You see!? We really are just like each other!”
You angrily gnash your teeth, grinding the soft bones together as you pull back a leg. “I SAID SHUT UP!” You punctuate the statement by slamming your hoof into its sickening, twisted, smile. Your hoof connects, accompanied by a sickening *thwap* sound that makes your stomach churn. Again, oily black shadows leap off of the creature’s face, slithering away and disappearing into the darkness below, offering you the briefest of glimpses at the disgusting visage below.
Brown eyes, it has brown eyes... just like him...
You reel back, your heart thumping against your chest and your entire body buzzing with adrenaline. You look down at the creature, rage and anguish written into each curve and line of your expression. You didn’t need to say anything, all emotions you felt at this very moment were laid bare, plain to see.
“Yeah, that’s right! Hit me!” It lets loose another disgusting chortle. “Prove him right! Show me that despite all that SHIT you’ve been handed, the education, the money, the loving parents... despite all those things, that deep down? Where it matters most? You’re still your father’s son.”
You freeze for a moment, your dream world falls silent as you sit atop the creature, your mind reeling.
“F-father’s son...” The words eek out of your mouth, barely audible, your lips quivering as they do. You look down, staring down at your hoof, covered in a thick layer of the creature’s slippery black skin. You can feel it, that rage... just beneath the surface.
“That’s right.” Again, the smirk. “We’re the same, all three of us, in fact.”
Tears pour down your face, your stomach twisting up with hate as you pull your leg back, slamming it into the monster’s sadistic smile.
“Why!?” You screech, striking again, your attacks powered with years of pent up aggression. “WHY do you keep torturing me!?” *Thwack* “Why won’t you just go away!?” *Thwack* “Why won’t you just let me ALONE!?”
Again you pull your hoof back, the shaking limb throbing with a deep, dull ache. Each impact shoots electric jolts of agony up and down your entire leg. The pain seems like a minor inconvenience though, in the face of finally ending this torment. You slow down, panting; your lungs burn, your head aches, your leg hurts... It still breathes...
“Be-because...” It manages to mumble, it’s voice hoarse, and it’s lips still curved upwards into a crooked smile. “You’re everything I can never be!”
Creepy
Sorry to all 38 of you who read that without it being spaced properly, gersh dern google docks
…So who's the other guy?
Jealous prick.
I thought it was his father for a moment.
Also, I can't wait for MOAR!
much shorter than I was expecting but still compelling
Whoa
Well then...
Maybe a nice caviar.
I wonder what this is doing to Rarity?
3118231
I'm not. This is just one of the few that doesn't suck.
I'm so confused.
W-what's going on?
All I got from this is that we have some serious daddy issues.
You keep me awake until 4:15 AM, I wake up at 1, come in here to read the rest of the story... and I'm given a dream sequence as the last chapter. Hurry with the updates, man. You're killing me.
3119267
I'm with ya on that brother, I've been on this site for about 9 months and have only found TWO good OC x Mane 6 shipping, and both of them are 2nd person perspective.
This one, and one called "Setting Her Heart Aflutter" by user Hivemind
3115701 That'd be tellin' 3116005 Hopefully not too much longer, but I can't promise anything, dern werk!
3116043 Thank you very much
3116389 I know right? Loco in the coco
3118015 Indeed
3118408 Hopefully nothing awful!
3119267 This reply pleases me.
3119297 Issues!? What daddy issues!?
3119761 Sowwy, I'll try my hardest
3124995 felt I needed to get something out.
And now I've read every chapter published thus far.
And it only took me about five days (I was reading other stuff also so yah)
So when is the next chapter comeing out!
3131102 As soon as I have the free time necessary to sit down and write it, jobs suck Glad you're enjoying it so far though!
Ohoho! This is getting darker by the second, the suspense...
Dude I'm finally all caught up. I found your fic like a week ago and I got hook after reading the first chapter. This is a awesome story and I'm looking forward on your next update.
Very interesting, but now you have really piqued my curiosity. I have to know what my dark history is that I'm trying so hard to hide, I have to know who this beast is that I'm beating the st out of. I need moar! MOAR!
3136195 Build the suspense!
3154082 I'll try I promise! Just don't eat me...
3148878 Thanks, appreciate the kind words!
3161505 Your Welcome.
3172410 Curse you, Google Translate! You useless pile of horse feces!
*Keep in mind that this critique is for professional constructive purposes, not trolling. Take it or ignore it, that's up to you.*
Far too much inner monologue. The already slow pace is dragged down even more with the main character's thoughts about the absolute obvious. The audience doesn't need to know EVERYTHING the characters are thinking. We unconsciously fill in the gaps ourselves. Another thing: it's obvious from the beginning that Rarity and MC are in love with each other...aaaaaaaand there are no obstacles to stop them? Besides each other's chivalry?
And for God's sake, why do people always make the elderly characters say "son" at the end of every sentence?
Dropped in chapter 5.
3255925 Thank you for the critique, I'd debate them if they weren't valid criticisms, but I feel like they are. Keep in mind that I started this quite a while ago, and though I'm sure it won't be much better in the later chapters, I feel like I'm improving one chapter at a time. Thanks for the comment, it's appreciated Stargazer.
3260024
3322589 Thanks, I appreciate it!
I REALLY hope he doesnt wake up and find out he beat up Rarity...
3329066 man... I don't think I'd like that twist... Hit his dad sure but damn... That would be like dropping you're last jay in the John... That just don't work
3336838 Yeah, I know for a fact that scenario would not end up well. Best leave that for a "What if" or "Alternate Path" type of story.
3324432
WHY!?
Why would you do this to me?
I waited for three month!
MOAR!!
Um... If you don't mind: