Discord Writes a Ship Fic

by Phoenix Quill

The Rockey Lemon Exploding Thing

"And if you look here on this chart, you will find that once again Ponyville is once again driving up our debt due to disaster based relief efforts." The mare paused for a moment to point out to the ministers of the court that the numbers was three times higher than that of even Manehatten.

"I see," Celestia said with a friend she adjusted her small glasses. "Ministers of the court, take some time to reflect on this, we shall continue on with the decision tomorrow."

There was a slight murmur and general amount of noise as the ministers gathered up their belongings. Despite the mundane normalcy that had taken place in the court for the last several months, it was something else that bothered her.

She made her way for the exit herself, knowing full well that, for a lack of words, Discord was to blame. Not by his presence, but his long absence.

It's been far too long, she thought to herself as she wound her way around a corner and took to a flight of stairs. He can't move forever.

She walked through a passage hidden behind a painting, twisted the turn and came to another set of stairs. She continued to vent to herself as she climbed up and exited behind a stained glass window to find herself in the right hallway.

She reached a red door, or rather what was a red door, only to find it painted black. She hesitated before using her magic to grab hold of the brass knocker, also painted black, and gave a rapid set of knocks. "Discord, we need to talk," she shouted at the door.

The door quietly cracked open, only to show that Stella answered the call. "Your majesty! I'm honoured to see you," she said with a sweeping bow before continuing, "But Discord isn't here right now. Can I take a message?"

Celestia looked as though she might have suddenly swallowed an entire salt rock, and felt as if a blood vessel had finally given up. "Alright, I'm through being Miss Goodbar," she said with a tap of her hoof.
"It's been seven months since he'd gone sulking into his room and I'm sick of it!" She quickly and carefully moved Stella to the side as she ranted before stepping into the room. "Now see here, I gave you a ministry to run and;" she'd stopped. For as unfortunate as it was to see with her own eyes, the formerly chaotic room was now quite plain. In fact, other than the fact that gryphonian literature now occupied the shelves, she would have assumed it to be any other guest room.

Celestia spun around and made a rather impressive dumb face. "Ah, buh, what? Where is he?" She looked at Stella and tried her best not to shake the poor gryphon before her. "Why didn't you tell me that he left the castle?"

Stella took a moment to soothe out the feathers on her head that came undone after Celestia's unsuccessful attempt at not shaking her before answering. "He's been living in the closet for the last few months, but he isn't sure if, or when he's going to be ready to come out."

Celestia looked at her with a tilt for a few moments before asking, "Figuratively or literally?"

Stella took a moment to let Celestia think things over before walking to her closet door. "Discord, come out of the closet."

There was a few moments of silence before a muffled "no," came from behind the door. Stella knocked again before Discord's voice said, "go away."

Stella gave a sad look at Celestia as if to say sorry before the princess herself came over and nudged her aside to try. "Discord, it's me, Celestia, we need to talk. Would you kindly come out of the closet?"

The door violently swung open to reveal that Discord wasn't actually there, but rather a small swirling vortex that seemed oddly enough, to smell of fresh watermelons. "Ah so you did notice my absence," Discord's voice called from the void in it's usual snide manner. "Come in, make yourself comfortable."

Stella was about to enter with Celestia, when the solar diarch held forth a wing to stop her. "You stay here, there's no telling what he's been up to in there." Stella looked as if to protest, but at seeing the look in Celestia's eyes, simply nodded and stepped away.

Celestia gave a nod of approval to the gryphon, and then stepped into the portal in the closet, only to have the door slam behind her. "Forgive me that I ask you to indulge me on insisting that you enter, things have been working against me," Discord's voice rang out through the void as she continued to walk forward.

For a few moments, other than how vast the emptiness seemed around her, there was nothing truly amiss, that was when she suddenly stumbled over the lack of a floor beneath her hooves. "Watch that last step, it's a doozey," Discord's voice said as she began floating in the void.

Celestia's first instinct to try and fly, was met with a laugh track as she seemed to tumble pointlessly in the darkness. "Hmm, this won't do at all," Discord's voice said as a source of light shone on Celestia. "I mean, you can't even navigate nothing!"

"Well, maybe if there was something here," Celestia said with a huff as she folded her front legs across her barrel. "Or a point where I could go, I would go there!" She then motioned in the direction that she thought she came from and tried her best smile. "Come on, let's go back to the castle, we can talk things over and;"

"I'm sorry Celestia," Discord said suddenly, cutting her off mid sentence. "But I've been very busy with my latest project, and I can't hear you from way over here." To emphasize his point, a very large, if not strange house appeared in the distance, lights aglow and despite the dark architecture of the place, it was certainly more inviting than a vast nothingness.

Eager to get things over with, Celestia attempted to teleport herself over to the house. She gathered up power for the spell, and cast it properly, only to instead find herself in a forested area next to a low, long vehicle. "Sorry about that," Celestia heard Discord's voice, and placed it in the vehicle beside her. She opened the door only to find he wasn't inside. Rather, it was coming from a small radio in where the dash board would be on a carriage or sleigh. "But your magic doesn't work here. Try the path."

Celestia squinted her eyes to look around, and sure enough the vehicle was parked at the dead end of a dirt road that wound through the woods. She shrugged and was about to take a step when a peal of thunder echoed. She thought nothing of it for only a second before a heavy rain began to fall.

Celestia couldn't help but make a face as she looked inside the metal vehicle, and found a jacket. She reached out a hoof and quickly snatched it up, only to find a brown stallion was sleeping beneath, and gave a small startled scream of surprise.

Unfortunately, the sound startled the stallion awake and he screamed, which made her scream louder, which made him scream louder before he finally shouted, "Why are we screaming?!"

"I don't know!" Celestia confirmed in equal loudness before they both quieted. The two looked at each other in silence before the stallion realized that he was in the presense of Celestia and quickly bowed as well as he could in the front seat. "Y-your Majesty," he stuttered mid bow," I didn't think that you actually heard me, but thank you for coming to save me!"

"Oh well, I didn't;" she stopped before coughing into her hoof and nodding. "Um, yes, yes my little pony, I heard your prayers and came forth to bring you out of here, with the one responsible." She then grabbed a few news papers and pulled them over her head. "But Discord is determined to have his fun with us first, and I need to say a few things to him."

The stallion nodded to himself a few times as he quickly put the coat on himself, and she noticed that it was a mail delivery uniform. "Well, if that's the way out, I'll take it," he said with a brisk smile before exiting from the passenger side and stretching in the rain. "Oh, that's different."

"Excuse me for asking," Celestia said as he came up next to her, "but how long have you been here?"

"Not sure," he said as he examined the forest around him. "I came to deliver a letter to Discord, and he was going on about the grand galloping gala, and asked why the letter was late, and I've been here since." He then noticed the flat front left tire on the vehicle as another lightning bolt shot across the sky like one from a bad horror movie. "At least it looks like there's some sort of place around us," he commented, mostly to himself. "Usually there's just a void and random floating objects here."

"So I had gathered," Celestia said as she took the first few steps down the road. "There's a castle a few miles back that way," Celestia said as she pointed down the road. "If we hurry we can get you home before I set the sun."

---

A few minutes of silent trotting, other than the sound of the storm, the pair had passed through in silence, and without incident. Which had surprised Celestia, but had left the pony beside her jumping at every shadow. who knows what kind of damage being here for so long has done to the poor pony, Celestia thought to herself.

Finally, the woods parted on one side of the road to show a great iron fence. Beside the wrought iron gate, a hoof painted sign said, Enter at your own risk! Celestia rolled her eyes and shoved the gate open, and as she did she heard a steady beat start up.

It was still a good few meters from the gate to the small castle proper, and Celestia felt a sudden tug on her chest. That was when she knew she should have let Discord's musical license expire last month instead of approving it.

Celestia:
In the velvet darkness of the blackest night
Burning bright, there's a guiding star
No matter what or who you are.

Celestia and the Stallion:
There's a light over at the Frankenhoof Place
There's a light burning in the fireplace
There's a light, light in the darkness of everypony's life.

Stallion:
I can see the flag fly, I can see the rain
Just the same, there has got to be
Something better here for you and me.

Celestia, Stallion, unseen choir:
There's a light over at the Frankenhoof Place
There's a light burning in the fireplace
There's a light, light in the darkness of everypony's life.

Suddenly, a small pack of Motorcycles roared up the driveway, as the two jostled out of the way, the pair of ponies didn't notice a curtain had opened up, and Random Thought looked out at the pair holding a candelabra and began to sing to himself.

Random Thought: The darkness must go down the river of nights dreaming
Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming
Into my life, into my life.

Celestia, Stallion, Invisible Choir:
There's a light over at the Frankenhoof Place
There's a light burning in the fireplace
Celestia and Stallion:
There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life.

The music ended with a sudden thunderclap and the pair of ponies quickly ran under the small awning out of the rain by the front door. "Let's go back Princess," the stallion said in a surprisingly shrill voice, "I'm cold and frightened and just plain scared."

"Now my little pony,"

"Brad," the stallion said with a frown.

"Brad," Celestia said and tried not to laugh at the name, "Discord's most likely inside, and he's our way out." She then reached forward wrapped her hoof around a pulley rope for a door bell, only for the sound of the broken mechanism falling on the other side of the wall to be heard through the door.

The door creaked open like a classic horror story, and Random Thought peeked his face out at the pair. "Hello," he said in the most nasally voice he could manage.

Celestia and Brad stood quietly for a moment before Brad stuck out a hoof to the stallion behind the door. "Hi, I'm Brad, and this you know is Princess Celestia and;"

"Your wet," Random Thought responded in the same nasally voice, this time with a matter of fact tone behind it.

Celestia looked at the stallion as if he just said the dumbest thing she'd ever heard in her life before blinking it away and responding, "Yes, it's raining."

"Oh," Random Thought said as lightning flashed once more. "I think you had both better, come inside." He then opened the door wider to let them in.

As they entered, Celestia responded, "You're too kind," curtly before throwing the wet newspapers away in a wastepaper basket by the door. As the door shut behind her, she noticed that inside the building, was rather than a large and imposing room, it was a small and comfortable living room, as if from a model home in the countryside.

Everything was neat and clean, and wrapped in plastic. The sunburst wall clock on the far wall showed that it had only been a few minutes since she'd entered the closet, and an open window let in a bright stream of sunlight.

Random thought coughed into his hoof as he opened a closet door and held out his hoof. "Sorry about my voice," he said as he took the stallions wet coat and hung it up. "I've had a cold all week."

Celestia nodded in understanding before motioning his attention to the stallion beside her. "I'm here to see Discord, but would you mind showing this pony the way back to my castle? It appears that he's been lost out there for some time and;"

"Say no more Princess," Random Thought said with a bow. "If you'll follow me sir, it's just through this door here," he then re-opened the closet, this time it showed the inside of Discord's bedroom from the castle.

Suddenly Stella poked her head around the doorway and asked, "Did you find him yet?"

"Not yet," Celestia said with a frown. "But I have a lost stallion coming back."

The pair of stallions left through the closet door, letting it slap shut behind them, leaving Celestia alone in the house. "Well," she called out into the silent house. "Where are you Discord?"

A set of double sliding doors opened, and showed in the next room over was a massive model railroad, and Discord himself at the electric controls. "Over here," he said with a smile.

Celestia walked over as he continued operating the two trains, as they weaved in and around the small town, she noticed the three rail track going around the buildings and over bridges. "Discord," she finally said with a frown, "You haven't been showing up to work for a while and I was wondering,"

"What about?" Discord said as the two trains headed for the same bridge in opposite directions. Suddenly he grabbed a plunger box and jammed it down and the small bridge blew up, taking both trains with it.

"You meant to blow them up?" Celestia asked in surprise.

"Of course, why else would a spirit of chaos play with trains." He then passed the plunger to Celestia and said, "Care to blow the other bridge?"

"Maybe later," She said with a frown as she pushed the plunger away. "I'm here because I've been worried about you."

"Why for?" he said with a frown. "I've been seeing my friends, pursuing new hobbies,"

"Forgetting about your job, the Ministry of Practical Chaos," Celestia said for him.

"Oh come on," Discord said with a huff. "That was so three years ago, now its all about trains." He then snapped his fingers and the layout was like new all over again and he began controlling the trains once more. "Besides, Random has been handling things for me."

"Well then," Celestia said with a frown. "I guess I'll just leave you to your business," She then turned around to the closet that lead out. "I'll just give Random your job, title, room and board, and have him handle the project I have in mind."

Discord's ear suddenly twitched as he waved a claw to shut the doors leading out of the room. "Project? What project?"

Celestia smiled slightly as she turned around to face Discord once more. "Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself about, Minister of Practical Chaos stuff. Your not interested in that though so I'll just have him handle it for me."

Discord stepped away from the table and got a little closer to her. "Well, I'm sure he can handle it, being locked away in the office and pushing papers." He then got even closer and asked, "But seriously, what is it?"

"Oh, it's actually a bit of an away trip," Celestia said as she went to reopen the doors. "An inspection of a certain private facility, one owned by a certain pony that requests more bits than we give." She then looked at Discord with a frown, "One that you seemed adamant to keep funded for testing products, despite their often dangerous nature." She then turned back around and opened the double doors. "But you don't want the job anymore, so I'll just go give Random Thought a promotion and;"

"Minotaur pie you'll do that!" Discord bellowed as he followed her out. "I've been wanting to get a chance to go there for almost a year now, and you aren't taking that away from me!"

---

It was Mariachi day in the break room for the Ministry of Practical Chaos, and the employees were eating their lunch as Flim and Flam's automated music player blared music from one corner of the room.

The truth of the matter was that ever since they had turned on the music player, every day for the last month was Mariachi day, but nopony seemed to mind since they were all wearing ear plugs anyway. In one corner of the room, a rather sad looking group in particular were all trying to drown out the music by talking rather loudly. "You think he's going to come back?" Screwball said with a frown.

Phoenix Quill, or Wordsmith as he was still called by everypony at the ministry, simply shrugged as he took a draw from his milk shake. "I don't know," he said with a frown. "I mean, it's been pretty steady without him. If he were to come back to work, don't you think that the odds are good that things will go bad?"

"For the ministry?" Screwball said in surprise.

"No, for us, as in you and I and anypony else he rounds up when he's got a wild hair up his;"

Wordsmith's words were cut short by the sudden burst of the cafeteria doors bursting open in an orange puff of smoke. Hearthstone quickly jumped up from the table the three of them were sitting at, and was ready to either attack, or evacuate the building. "Everypony stay calm!" He shouted above the crowd.

Of course, nopony paid attention to him, not because they were panicking, but because not only were events such as these were so commonplace, that they had ignored the explosion and the puff of smoke and continued to eat their lunch in silence. But also they were all quite deaf from their ear plugs, and couldn't hear a train crashing into a bomb factory.

Wordsmith and Screwball both walked over to the guard and patted him on the back as he landed by the door. "There there," Screwball said as sympathetic as she could. "You tried."

Out of the smoke, they suddenly noticed Random Thought coughing into his hoof and trying to clear the smoke. "Bit overkill don't you think sir?" he asked as he stepped through the door.

"There's no kill like overkill," Discord said as he stepped out of the smoke and into the cafeteria. "Ah, I see we already have three volunteers."

Wordsmith, Screwball and Hearthstone all looked confused before finally Hearthstone said, "Wait what?"

As Wordsmith started to go into a rant about how he knew something would happen, Screwball quickly wrapped her hooves in a hug around Discord's middle. "Oh it's so good to have you back here!"

"Good to be back, even for a moment, because I've got a great surprise for the three of you."

---

It was only a few days later, and Discord, Wordsmith , Hearthstone, and Screwball were all exiting from a royal carriage. "Thank's for the lift," discord said with a casual wave as the four of them looked over the massive building.

"Hello." The four of them turned to a khaki colored pegasus stallion. He wore a suit jacket over a black turtle neck sweater, and had eyes as yellow as his shock of hair. He was turned just so that Discord was quick to notice the lemon with an image of an atom in it's center that was his cutie mark. "I'm Cave Johnson, I own the place."

Author's Note:

Holy...

I'm still alive.
Updates coming... when I can.
Not bad for a few hours spare time, hopefully.

Cave Johnson pony based on this design,

Comments

[The_Lone_Wanderer]

Yay, it's back!
[youtube=tkplPbd2f60]

[pahnazd]

Discord, careful about Cave. He will burn your house down. And pretty much everyone knows what he'll use to do that.

Also, yay to see this alive again!

[Bysen]

Oh right, this is where I know your name from.

[Snowdrifter]

Thank's for the lift," discord said with

A wild apostrophe appears!
Capital idea, Discord!

OK, so I can see that you are doing well... just a little nitpicking.

[Alondro]

I'd be much more concerned about Cave's evil twin brother, O'Long Johnson and his henchman Don Piano.

There is a great conspiracy at work....

The cats are involved. They're always involved. In conspiracies. They can see the evil pony O'Long Johnson and Don Piano plotting evil things.

[Phoenix Quill]

7375978
Heh, good call on that, I've got a few more stories from Discord yet to go before I (finally) close this story off.

[furryman]

7452092
Re: Julius, I watched a single silent Disney Alice cartoon, it was so boring I forgot it immediately. Congratulations on finding a really obscure cartoon character. Ever heard of Foxy Grandpa?
Re Buddy: Most of those Black and White cartoons from the early 30's were pretty boring as well, if I ever saw a Buddy cartoon I forgot it.
Don't recall ever hearing about Hoppity Hooper either.

[Somdudewillson]

"I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place."