Never in all my life have i questioned my very morals and ethics. There was... something more to those words they said in their last moments of life that made me think. Was what i was doing right? Or is this all a big mistake?
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Excellently written, fantastic spelling and grammar and interesting plot.
Moar!
thank you so much! I do appreciate the kind words, and not to worry, more will come soon
Hmm. This is odd. It's not showing up for me as updated, but it's checked off as a favourite. If I hadn't randomly spotted it, I'd never have known.
2555738i only thought you got updates from stories if you followed someone. I really don't know what to tell you... I blame taxes.
2556473 Nah, that's what the favourite button is for.
2556844Huh, didn't know that. Learn something new everyday i suppose.
Another good chapter.
Two things, though. 1. The chapter name should be capitalized
2. You might actually want to replace the 6 in the story title with Six.
2566588no, no, no...
there's a big reason for that that comes in later...
you'll just have to wait and see though
2566588big twist at the end that will give reason to the name
2566943 Fair enough
Ok, this chapter needs a little bit of work. There's just a constant stream of 'he said's right near the end, and it makes it damn near impossible to tell who's talking.
Other than that, it's pretty good.
i think that your dialogues are extremely confusing and it is hard to tell who it belongs to. Just a suggestion.
2636770thank you for that i'll have to work on it. I appreciate the criticism though, I really do.
Well shit.
And we have plot!
One quick thing, you might want to put that little flashback in italics. The second time you repeat the "Why do folks want you dead" part.
2655356was it a little bit of a curve for you?
I'm sorry about the italicize part, i meant to do that but i was a little too caught up with writing this. Thanks for pointing it out!
2655484 Oh, don't worry about that, I'm just trying to help with some suggestions.
But yeah, that was a bit of a curveball, and an interesting one at that. We've now got timeline established, and a whole slew of questions, first and foremost being:
Is the reason it's been so grey all the time because there's no more sun?
2655568
looks like you got it
2655796 Ha!
Wow, Twilight. What a bitch.
2656081Don't be so sure about yourself, there's a lot more to it than you think and it might change everything for you. Just wait until the next one
2657528First and foremost, I apologize to you personally for how bad this is. Writing is not my strong suite, as you an see. It's more of one of my many hobbies I enjoy doing, a friend suggested I put some of my work on this site and i did. So far I am fairly satisfied by the fact that I have ten people who enjoyed this story so far (that is not that impressive but it makes me fee pretty good deep down).
I understand that i am kind of breaking tradition with how dark this story is and how everything will unfold later is going to be pretty dark as well, but i do think that the more abstract of an idea and the more you toy and twist the reader's mind the more memorable a story is (in which i plan to do in the future installments).
I apologize about the OC thing and I do understand what you're trying to say. The main character (Golden) is one of the OCs i've created, the other (Starblazer) is a secondary or minor character to the story since he is more of an assistant and will not be carried on throughout the story. Within all the fics I'm working on currently I am going to include him in the story or plot in some way as I am also working on his own story as well that will have no relation to the other stories he's been in.
The justification on how and why the main characters are being hunted for a bounty-like prize will come soon within the next few chapters (but i don't think you will even read any further i don't see why I am even going to tell you that). I wanted to hold a very macabre steam-punk like world that this was occurring in with some more futuristic technology at work similar to (if you've played/heard of it) Dishonored.
Dialog and descriptive detail is a big flaw in everything I do unfortunately and has always been a major pain for me and with that I will have to work on. I do need much more practice considering I am an amateur at best if a lot of my minor flaws are looked over.
The advice you've stated was incredibly helpful. I will work on those aspects as best I can. I don't think you have much more to worry about though since on how unimpressed you seem I don't expect you to come back to this story at all in the future. I thank you for the criticism that you've provided despite how much of a blow I've taken it as and I hope i can make it much better than how it is now.
One bit of advice.
This is YOUR story. You write it for you. You write it how you want, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you start letting other people dictate how you write your story, it stops being your story.
Just keep that in mind.
2683789What are you talking about?
2683789I just realized i had a new chapter... and i didn't post it. On top of that someone rearranged some of the story. I'm sorry but i did not do this
2684502okay, i'd give an answer about the Starblazer/Baritone thing if i actually knew what happened in the first place. He was never supposed to change and I had never considered him to be substituted and with that someone had altered the story. I will go back through and fix everything ASAP. And for what Golden's job is will be revealed later but i thought it was pretty obvious by now.
2684528 This is bizarre.
2684566I figured out what happened and why everything had changed. One of my friends got onto my computer and changed it without my permission, he uploaded the new chapter and added that new guy to the story. I changed it back to the original character and I fixed all the parts earlier in the story that he changed. Sorry for the mix up
2684576Golden is not necessarily an assassin but more or less his job is basically being a contract killer but being more in your face about it, bounty hunter morals and tactics but his job is to kill for money, there's no dead or alive choice there. The whole Desperado look will come into play later as well as the reason I didn't give a cutie mark or anything. If i did that I think that would come to ruin the rest of the twist I have planned at the end. And if you are REALLY wanting to know, his eyes are.... probably green?... or like a lightish brown?.... IDK, i never really looked at him in third person, use your imagination.
2688954 Tell him I say eat a dick
This story just got a whole lot better! Also loved the chapter and I hope to see more!
This entire chapter felt non sequitur.
This encounter(with Spitfire I can only assume) is pretty detracting. Why didn't her compadres just break in and take him out while they were talking? Unless she wants him to succeed...? She did give him a warning and put him on alert.
He could have looked quite a bit of that stuff up in the local library, or talked to a newspony without giving away the game. His obsession with Applejack is a little unnerving as well. Maybe he'll foist some of that emotion that's about to break into Colgate.
AJ's letter there is pretty bland and generic despite what all she's been a part of. I'll surmise that since Golden isn't aware of the Element Bearers(or of Twilight), his history with AJ predates 'season one: episode one.'
All-in-all, still very interested in the story and will continue to watch to see how it all goes down.
2702309AJ is the only family he has. It's not unnerving, it's the only friend he'd ever really had and with that he feels really attached to her (it's like your closest friend you've known since you were like six) . Think about the only connect you have is to a cousin that would be heart broken if anything happened to you and with that she thought you were dead for over 17 years. She has no real emotion anymore (hence why she seems so bland and when you meet her in person she is very dismal and grey, not physically but emotionally), her younger sister died in a horrible train accident (if you didn't know about that I'm sorry), Granny died two months previous to that, and Macintosh moved to the city before that. So if you think about it since Applebloom died she's been living on the farm my herself around no one besides herself.
In this Spitfire is not part of the wonder bolts in this (yeah i know, bad me for doing that), her warning to him was hoping to use fact and guilt to fight him. That maybe if she told him the truth that he would have denied the mission and moved on or quit. She did not have any intention of taking him there that night.
As for the library thing, to Golden it's all the same to him and he doesn't need to know what happened. He doesn't care and to him when that happened with Twilight it was just a job, right now though he's contemplating wether or not he should proceed with the mission.
And i don't intend for the relationship between AJ and Golden to be anything like with Colgate and Golden, so that idea goes right out the window.
2701919Aww, thanks dude!
2702440
I didn't mean to imply the relationship between Golden and AJ meant anything physical. My apologies for implying anything of the sort. It feels like any time Golden mentions her, he gets on a one-track mind. I understand losing touch with family(I have a brother that refuses to acknowledge me or our mother since his wedding....) and it being a small family, that makes it all the more difficult. How I cope is pretty much not think about it and sometimes pretend I don't have a brother(Not that I haven't tried to contact him, but there hasn't been any kind of response in a long time). Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to get along and live my life.
I didn't know the specifics in how AB perished(unless you wrote it in there and I missed it
), but I kinda assumed it happened a little something like this. Just the first chapter to get what I speak of... 
Maybe AJ needs to watch some pon-wait a minute... No, she can't. Unfortunately. I guess PP gave up trying to cheer her friends up?
Have a
2705379It's no worry, I can understand that I miss read that(my fault).
(it is explained in chapter 5 as well in AJ's letter) Later, I'm thinking the fourth or fifth target, was a witness as to what happened EXACTLY with what happened to Applebloom, but she basically fell in front of a train while it was speeding through the station
2769918Thanks dude! I appreciate the feedback!
Can't wait for more of this awesome story!
2772641Thanks for the feed!
i wonder if barata is still reading this?
Expensive water.
Not a good way to tip if keeping a low profile, either.
And I keep trying to recall what exactly is wrong with the sky. If Celestia is dead, who is moving the sun? Seems one minute the sky is grey and the next it's sunset or something.
Maybe the sun is washed out, dunno.
No need to promise, it's your time that you're volunteering for this.
2854067uhh......
Whaddaya mean?
What sunset? 
They TALKED about a sunset!
On top of that think of this as the industrial era for Equestria, how i see it inflation has hit and currency has been lowered. What he tipped was actually not very generous for the time but it was only water, right?
2854937it wasn't that, I realized that if I were to do that certain events would have been cut shorter and happened quicker than I wanted them to. It was a cool idea, and I will have it for another story in the future but for this one I won't be doing anything like that... sorry...
2854736
Huh.
I should stop drinking and reading.
But I wouldn't tip for water because I wouldn't casually go to a cafe(or other like establishment) and order just water.
Somebody's been playing Bioshock...
2856523What? I don't understand, could you explain for me?
285668924.media.tumblr.com/b48ce6498ec9509d7a7e70b7c3c459c4/tumblr_mm6q423YSp1qb2b2co1_500.jpg
2858203I still don't get it... Is that from Bio Shock or something?
Not even kidding, I really don't know