Imagine this if you will: You wake up on your twenty fifth birthday (after a night of heavy drinking) to find that you have a tattoo on both of your thighs. You think "God my friends are assholes for letting me do this" But then you realize that you're a part of something big. REALLY big.
You start turning into a pastel coloured equine who has a affinity for DJing even though you've never touched a turntable in your life.
Oh and just to twist the knife even further: Your friend keeps coming on to you even though they don't know why.
God I miss hands.
((Side story to Five Score, Divided by Four))
Cover art by HolyShmow on DA . Go check 'em out.
Chapters (3)
And Vinyl Scratch enters the scene.
I really should write my Chrysalis entry sometime...
are you really canadian? if so then hi from a fellow canadian
2535582 Yeah, cause I'm dying to read it. Seriously, you need to start it.
oh come on ! another chapter !
Drop dat bass, eh?
I do love the original story, hopefully your effort is a worthy successor. We shall see...
---
Post-read edit: nope.avi
Sorry, dude, but this has some problems, especially when you compare it to the original. Nothing that can't be worked on, of course, but it's still quite rough.
2536543 Would you care to elaborate on such problems? I mean I'm not perfect but I'm always open for constructive criticism.
Just a "before i read" mis type error finding i guess...
Bah i was just reading the damn intro and found a bit of a mistype there is no technical term for it -_-
apart means separate like "break apart" a part is the right words :P though im guessing you just forgot a space :P
WHEN IS THE NEXT CHAPTER COMING OUT TELL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
2536781 Whups. I'll get to fixing it.
2536864 XD
2536791 Valve time.
2536884 wat?
2536668 As it just so happens, my friends and I excel at such feedback.
I'll try to keep this review short and sweet. Anything that needs clarification can be confined to PMs for the sake of your wall.
First problem that jumps out at me right away is that you have psudo-musical interludes in your story. These are almost always a terrible idea. They don't add anything significant to your story, serve mainly as a way for you to flaunt music and bands that you personally like, and confuse and annoy readers who aren't familiar with the same music you are (like me, for instance).
This is actually a really good way to add that sort of depth to your character. We don't need the specific song, and we certainly don't need to read the lyrics. If we're that interested, we're already on the internet and can find it pretty dang easily. The bottom line is that every word you write should be adding something to the story, and not just filler or fluff. The aside about a video game DLC is utterly useless.
This is known as the Law of Conservation of Detail. As readers, we're trained to notice everything you write, because you can't hide things in the background like you can in a visual medium. If you call something out, we're conditioned to assume that it's gonna be important later on in the story, and the more detailed you make it, the more importance we subconsciously give it. If you tell us there's gum on the fireplace mantle, it'd better end up on someone's shoe by the end of the story. If you keep frontloading us with useless details we're gonna get overwhelmed trying to keep up with it all, and when there's no payoff the reader gets confused at best, and annoyed or angry at worst.
I'll leave off that for now and move on to sentence construction. I'll highlight a section that really stands out as an offender and make it more obvious.
I dunno if you see the problem as plainly as I do here, but your sentences are repetitively constructed and too dull. Your story is getting bogged down in pointless minutiae without even the courtesy of being creatively presented. Almost every sentence is short and completely factual, and it ends up reading like a police report. "I did [x]" works once, but gets dull RAPIDLY. Mix things up a bit. Start with a verb for a change. And better yet, skip over these parts entirely. Other than reenforcing the idea that our protagonist's life is utterly normal and dull, these segments of specificity don't do anything, and they're not terribly interesting to read. In general, keep things on the surface level. We don't need to know what cereal he ate and where he scrubbed himself. Just say "I took a hot shower and grabbed some much-needed breakfast."
In a similar vein, there are large swaths of this chapter that could be boxed, labeled as Author Filibuster, and put into storage without harming the story in the least. To be brutally honest, the reader doesn't give a rip about your attitudes towards cloppers. They don't care about your preferences in fast food. And if you claim that those are just your character's ideologies, no one will buy it.
Oh, and while I'm here, the section of profanity really just slaps the reader across the face. Edit it out. It really doesn't belong, especially not where you have it. Remember, swear words are like your katana: keep them sheathed until you intend to draw blood.
Final Verdict: 3.5/5 Pinkies
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw1637_small.jpg
Closing Thoughts:
Your story isn't poorly written, but it's in dire need of a diet. Your central premise is surrounded by entire sections of diversion, things that draw the reader's attention AWAY from the plot without reenforcing it. I think you can see how that would be a bad thing. Remember, it's your job to keep progressing the plot. As it stands, I really don't think there's much to engage the reader, and not much of a reason to keep reading (unless one has already read Five Score and only here for the premise). There's more of a hook in the synopsis than the first chapter, so I'd just recommend you think about what you want your story to actually SAY, and just say that.
Your sins against grammar are extremely minor at worst, so you're just now starting to really get into the storycraft side of writing, which is quite hard for most writers. ESPECIALLY for ones who haven't had the benefit of a few college-level literature classes. Study good stories, and see why they work, and if you still need some more help, come see me and my friends at WRITE, and we'll see if we can't get you squared away.
- OtterMatt, WRITE Co-Founder and Composer Laureate
djotter.blossers.net/StorageBank/WRITE01.png
2536954 Okay then, Thanks for that. I do admit that I add shite tons of useless information. I'll cut down on that.
And the music? Yeah, in retrospect that was a dumb idea. Won't do that in the future.
But yeah, I'll take that into account for the next chapter. Thanks man.
Wow, I actually think I went to one of those jousting restaurants one time, though I think it was in California in the US.
Seriously, it was almost exactly like you described it.
Anyway, how am I seeing more stories like this?
Are you and several other people doing a large colab or something?
Just curious.
2537171 This
2537190
Thanks.
...
Is there a list on the side characters that have been taken yet?
2537195 Yes, although, some ponies are getting used by more people.
2537268
Like, more then one person per a pony?
Where would I find the list?
Also, I think it would be weird if there were two of the same ponies in one universe...
*Edit: NVM, just looked at the link.
2537295
I guess they just don't interact. I'm not the right one to ask about that.
2537375
Yeah...
Anyway, the entire concept is intriguing.
This looks interesting. Like'd
I must say, this was positively brilliant! I love what you did with the wizard.
Great start bro, can't wait for more.
No I'm serious I CAN'T WAIT
GIVE ME NAOW!!!!
I guess I really need to read Five Score, no? I saw it before but was busy reading a ton of other stories so I put it off. (In fact I still have three stories I need to get caught up on, but like every week I start reading a new one...such as this... *Slaps myself* Bad brain, bad, finish the stories you have already damn you!)
Anywho looks interesting, will continue to follow it, and give my like next chapter if it's to my liking.
2536668
In regards to the story, you've got a 'Read it Later' from me. It definitely needs a bit of fine tuning here and there, though, with random capitalization and misplaced vowels or consonants along with missing punctuation marks being the most common mistakes (not counting the multiple Steam Chats). Otherwise, you're off to a great start, though your pacing might need a bit of work.
2536940
Assuming a Valve Week in Valve Time, give him two 'normal' weeks at best.
OMG!!! YOU WATCH BRAVEST WARRIORS!?!? THAT SHOW IS AESOME!!! :3 lol Catbug
PS. awesome story
2537295
Technically there should only be one of each pony in the universe, but that's very hard to enforce. I'm not going to STOP someone from writing a fic about a pony in this universe just because there already is one of that pony. If anything I want to encourage people to write side fics, not prevent them from doing so.
The way I see it, the reader can just look at the "three fics about Luna" or whatever, and then just pick the one they like best to be considered "canon" in this universe. The reader can decide which fic tells of the real pony and which ones are just alternates.
2539531 I agree with you there. Lots of unneeded drama would occur if that happened.
While you're here I want to ask something. Of you're changing and you had facial hair would you absorb it or would it just fall off?
2539620
That's a good question. If you had short facial hair I assume it would just change color and actually get thicker as it became part of your fur. Probably have it change color at the end of the first day (when they have tails) and then slowly get thicker as the next day went on, until it connected with the fur growing across their chest.
However, if they had long facial hair, like a huge beard or giant mustache, then I don't know. I would probably have them shrink and get reabsorbed slowly as the day went on until they shortened down to "fur-length". But having the hair just fall out would work too I suppose.
Pls sir Jane and Finch isn't all that bad.
You really need to cut back on the useless information that is being thrown around in this chapter. I also noticed your tendency to start a large amount of your sentences with "I" and it really starts to make the story monotonous and bland after a while. Varying it a bit would make it quite a bit better in my opinion.
TL;DR: I say something similar to OtterMatt just not as well or as completely.
hi there Captain!
i just want to ask a question :)
are you working on this story? as in writing it.
this sounds like a very good story!!!!
2541236 Yes I am.
2541334 yay!
i love the story so much!
THERE ARE OTHER CANADIANS ON FIMFICTION?!
I'm all for a good human in Equestria story, but it seems like this is going to be where the human somehow becomes a part of Vinyl's mind or becomes vinyl herself, frankly I'm not too sure if that would be a good idea.
I'll wait and see how the rest of your story turns out before I pass full judgment though.
Good luck with it.
2541761 It's a spin off of Five Score, Divided by Four. You might want to read it before you get into this.
2541546 If people from the province of Quebec count, then definitively
.
Other then that, I like the story. The writting style is a bit frenetic, but somehow I guess that the same could be said of the character. Though isn't Valve time a little bit too cruel?
2542254 Not if you keep rushing me. Think of it like this: Would you want something that comes out quicker but is utter shite? Or would you want something that take a bit to make but is enjoyable in the long run?
Well Duke Nukem was in development for 10 years but we don't talk about that. *cough*
2542314Sorry, I didn't mean to rush you. Just don't go Episode 3 on us
2542314 i agree it would be crap if you rushed it, just take your time i wont stop following you because youre taking your time and neither will the others
2536791 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
2542314 If thoust hath not released the sequential portion of this epic
tale within a period of time dictated by the masses, I shall personally retrieve the Hammer of Thor and claim it as my own for the sole purpose of raining it's merciless wrath upon you! 
As in: Write swift, write witty, and KEEP THIS GOING as long as possible.
2535602 That was concentrated awesomeness in a 99999999999999999999999 litre dose!
2542726 teehee
Keep on keepin on, my talented friend! And have a happy Mane Six
2535602
My good sir, you just got 20% cooler in 2:29.
2535602 That video alone almost makes me want to move to Canada.
To the author: Keep going! this is among the good stories in the 5s/4 universe. I am pleased...
I am now fascinated by this story please continue sir