The 12th Scene
Applejack snored with her cheek against the bar counter. A puddle of drool was starting to form under her, as she kept her last bottle in a firm grip.
The fetching young pony sitting next to her was still nursing an untouched mug of cider between fidgeting hooves.
There was nopony else left in the establishment. Even the bartender had been missing for the last hour. That's why it was easy to make out the hoofsteps coming from the front door, drawing the pony's attention.
"There you are, dear."
Twilight Sparkle strode in with a strange smile on her face. Not quite a happy smile, not quite a grimace. The wild eyes and frazzled mane weren't helping, either.
In a flash of magic, an excessive amount of bits appeared on the counter, while Applejack's body was moved to lay splayed across the retreating mare's back.
"Come on. Our airship leaves early tomorrow, so we need to get a good night's rest. Definitely can't have my nerves wracked as I think about what I'm going to do to Pinkie..." her voice trailed off as she left the building.
The hoofsteps faded back into the distance, as the door creaked to a stop.
The pony slowly turned to look down at the full mug, and took the night's first sip.
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Highly entertaining, hugely funny and immensely enjoyable. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Sweetie_happy.png
Superb writing. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_grin.png
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This is probably one of the most original things I've read in quite some time. ^^
2518817
Thank you
2520137
I did have a lot of fun writing it
The structure gave me tons of freedom.
2518825
Hope you like it once you get around to it.
Well hat's one way to start a romantic relationship. Very enjoyable read. Oh and, Pinkie is insane.
This is a very creative way to tell a story. You kept it to the little moments that mattered and cut out all of the fat, though it went very fast as a result. Descriptions were sparse and to the point, dialogue was quick and spot on in character. You told precisely as much of the story as you needed to keep me engaged and caring about the characters. I imagine it must be a struggle to write with only the bare essentials. Very impressive work.
I need to say something about the synopsis though. To be frank, it's awful. It tells me nothing about the story and it does nothing to get me interested in reading it. If I hadn't already known what a fantastic writer you are, I can say with near certainty that I never would have read it. It didn't give me indication that I was about to read one of the most creative romances on this sight. A fic this good deserves a better synopsis.
2524334
Thanks! Also, Pinkie just isn't Pinkie without a hint of insanity
2529541
Aww, you flatter me
I get what you mean with the synopsis. It doesn't say much on its own, but I was thinking about it as part of a whole when I came up with it:
You have the title (which is an objectively dry description of the story on its own). You have the character tags, which tell you it's going to be TwiJack. There's the category tags—especially the Romance and Adventure ones. And then you have the image (I specifically looked for one of AJ looking at the "camera" with a drink), the description and the first chapter's title, which indicate the narrative tone that the story's going to take.
Though I should probably change the short description, since that's the one you see in the little boxes that don't have all of this context surrounding them.
Yeah, I think I'll change it right now.
The heading of the main chapter should totally be the title of this story.
ts3.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4530993921525266&pid=15.1
They have some Thor picture about wanting another, but I'm lazy, so I'm just gonna ask.
Can we have another one of these?
2542017
I think I left too many of Rarity's lines without an action or dialogue tag, and that might've made it more confusing in the long run
I'll try to make it somewhat clearer in a couple of the initial scenes.
And thanks for the Spike
2542757
Oh, I've got lots of one-shot ideas, sitting around in my notes document. Right now I want to focus on at least getting my main fic's next chapter out, though. After that, I might get some inspiration to flesh out another one (maybe the TwiLestia one)
2550469
When I read that my reaction was something like:
Can't wait.
When I saw the description, I thought it would be a clopfic. Nope.
Lovely, very engaging narrative. You used Applejack's voice as the narrator very well; it made the story a very charming read.
You did a great job of painting this picture of the Mane Six being set against unspeakable horrors so regularly that they become jaded to it all, yet without really stripping them of their emotionality or the stakes. I think my favorite scene was where AJ and Twilight were in the cavern underground with only Twilight's horn as light. We get that little reminder there that despite their bravado, they're all still quite aware that they might not make it, or that they might not see each other again.
And then alongside it all, you have the romance. I love just how steadily and evenly I could see it building throughout the story. Fantastic pacing.
Good job.
wow for as short as this is, i think this became my #1 favorite story!
really though i wish that this was a long story that covered all of this from start to finish... every step of the way!
and how does this have so few thumb ups?
on top of that thank you for making such a wonderful twijack story! i sure love me some good twijack
you sir are brilliant and have talent! never lose it
Added to Twilight's Library.
That was fantastically in character and left me smiling many times. Thank you for sharing this with us
Great story
Oh man, oh man. I am just speechless.
This is beyond what a simple thumbs up can signify. The story telling, the adventures themselves, everything about this is excellent. Beautifully written and its TwiJack none the less
. I don't think I could have asked for a better story. In all seriousness though, it is stories like this that make me believe mlp fanfiction can be done, and can be done well. I would ask of you to write more explaining each and every adventure, but I almost like it better having the little bits Applejack told us. It leaves us to come up with everything that happened in between the time skips. I just wish I read this sooner instead of letting it sit in my read later list, easily the best read I have had here.
Sorry for the wall of text, but I don't think any fanfic has made me write more than a couple sentences of praise and left me feeling so, so giddy.
Thankyou for writing this.
words cant describe how awesome this story is its without a doubt 2000% cooler
Wonderful. I love your writing here, and the unusual way you find to tell the story. Just the right mix of humor and seriousness, just the right level of detail. 5/5
I did see one error: "any worse for ware" should be "any worse for wear".
Great job though. Favorited.
3611540
Glad you liked it
And thanks for the catch!
Decided to reread this, easily still the best story I have ever found on this site. I just don't understand why more people haven't read this. Not much else I can say that I haven't already though. You have my thanks for a great afternoon
This is amazing! ... Right next to "Yours Truly". But being second to "Yours Truly" is nothing to be ashamed of. Still, this is awesome.