Ah, the mighty bio box. So we meet again. You will rue the day you dared show your blank canvas around these parts! I will--wait, what do you mean you're already exhausted? Don't you dare run out of--
Pinkie and Twilight have been a couple for quite a while now.
Pinkie has been Twilight's friend for a long time.
Pinkie likes to read.
Pinkie doesn't have time for books.
Pinkie can appreciate peace and quiet.
Pinkie needs to live her life as one continuous party.
Twilight is madly in love with Pinkie.
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Why didn't you write this soon after "Too Many Pinkie Pies" if that is what you based this off of?
2809547
It's not based on that episode. In fact, it has very little to do with it. It can take place at any point between the end of season 2 and the beginning of Magical Mystery Cure.
I enjoyed the story quite a bit. That said, though, I was a little bit confused by the awkwardness when Pinkie mentioned that she had gotten the recipe from Sugarcube Corner. I'm not sure if I missed anything, or if it just wasn't really explained. Also, Scratch kind of seems to awkwardly disappear from the story after she and Twilight enter the library, which seemed a bit weird. Overall, the story was a nice read, and I like that it was about my personal favorite pairing. It wasn't quite as good as Wonderbolt, but I think it's deserving of an upvote.
I do like the story, but it feels like I'm missing something through out the story. Kind of just seems like some mildly related scenes, and not much else. I mean it fits Slice of life, but I feel I am missing the point of the story. What is with the whole Rarity gossip bit, and the no breakfast outside thing? Those made me wonder if they were implying anything.
Did I miss something? It seems that Twilight is with Lyra who she calls Pinkie Pie and who thinks she is Pinkie in her own head?
So Twilight fell in love with a Changeling that stays looking like Pinkie? And changed into Lyra when the real Pinkie snuck in? Probably should explain that better.
2809615>>2809690>>2809731
This guy 2809777 pretty much got it
She was also Vinyl at one point.
Totally stealing that.
This sort of story is the one where you want the reader to read twice -- the first time for the A story, the second time for the B story (which is the real story behind it). The problem is that the A story here is fractured and disconnected. Read on the second pass, with the spoiler given, there's a coherent story.
My suggestion would be to make the A story -- the story a reader reads without knowing any better -- stronger.
Very creative story. I totally missed the point when I read it, but got it out of the comments, lol. Enjoyed it a lot though.
2811337
Yup, that's the long and short of it
To tell the truth, this is the first time I've written something without a structured planning phase. I wanted to get it out of my system as fast as possible, because I knew I'd be tempted to pad it if I sat on it for a while.
In the end, that might be a weakness. Since there is little to no padding, every scene moves the story forward. But it moves the B story forward. I did want the A story to feel jarring and strange—precisely so that the reader would look it over again—but I might've overdone it a bit.
The padding might've helped it feel more fluid, but then I ran the risk of the reader thinking that that was the actual story, and that there were simply lots of inconsistencies throughout: "Why is Pinkie there if she just went inside with Vinyl?", "Where the hell did Lyra come from?", "Why was it important to mention that Vinyl was wearing a scarf that's the exact same color as the one that Twilight gave Pinkie?", etc.
It could work if I spelled out the spoiler at the end of the fic. However, the fact that it isn't spelled out, and that the reader has to piece together all of the clues to come to that revelation, is kinda the whole point of the story. So I really didn't want to do that.
2814340
Thanks
2814574
This.
The trick with a story like that is that your A story needs to work too, and this gets too choppy to do that, IMO. The problem is that if nobody reads it for the A story at all, then nobody'll read it to figure the B story out.
Having said that, I think you might have had a better time with it if you'd made everything fluid except the jarring transitions. As it is, the story's minimalistic (not necessarily a bad thing) but minimalism requires one to operate under assumptions.
Whereas if you had a very descriptive process, still giving away no secrets, and then when it came time for a "switch", you made that as jarring as possible, I almost think that'd have come off better. It would have communicated an intentionally disjointed narrative, whereas a casual reader could look this over and write it off as being unintentional, which would leave them ignoring the B story again.
Anyway -- I'm sorry if any of this came off harsh, I didn't mean for it to. It's just a sweet, weird little B story that I wouldn't want people to miss for the sake of the mechanism involved.
At first I was very confused then I read the last couple of paragraphs a few more times and must say very interesting can't wait for the next chapter im gonna favorite this and up vote
2814630
Nah, don't worry, that wasn't harsh. I'll probably go over it again and patch it up... or I could finish writing that other thing I should've finished a month ago.
Ah, decisions.
2809914
Before reading I'm going to assume the description is supposed to alternate between Twilight and Pinkie. So "Twilight likes to read", "Pinkie doesn't have time for books", etc.
Unless that's intentional
Anyways, onwards to Twinkie
My first time reading, I thought Twilight was dating more than one pony, and... pretending they were all Pinkie... or something. Or maybe Twilight was away and Pinkie was using a few of her unicorn friends as substitutes while she was gone.
Reading it a second time, it seems that Pinkie is actually transforming into these other characters, Lyra and Vinyl Scratch. And I see now as I read through the comments that my suspicions have already been confirmed.
Though this still confuses me.
Unless Rarity is in love with a changeling of her own, impersonating Twilight?
This kind of story is tricky to pull off, the kind of story where your entire story is really just a vehicle for a ruse or twist. I think the problem here is a lack of subtlety. It's too obvious that something's up. It's disjointed and confusing. "Something's up" is more or less your entire story. I always point to The Sixth Sense as an example of a movie that got this type of twist right. On its own, without the twist ever being revealed, The Sixth Sense's still works on its own, but there are enough little hints scattered throughout that the twist (or the story B) still makes sense when it's revealed.
The story beneath your story is actually a very interesting and cute one, but it's lost in this ruse you've manufactured. But you got me to think, and the ruse itself was still well put together. Good fic, could have been better, perhaps could have benefited from some more careful planning and set up.
Good story.
Confused the hell outta me but still...
Good story.
It's hard for me to know what to feel about this story as I come away from it. The "Pinkie" character hidden in Twilight's house doesn't seem malicious yet I can't really tell what I'm supposed to feel for her. I guess she's a changling or a magical construct or something but all of the who, what, why, and hows of it are left open. I guess it's a good being? Or maybe it has Twilight under its thrall/feeding on her... or maybe Twilight controls it? Why is it with Twilight? How does she feel about it compared to the real Pinkie? With so much unknown I'm left with confusion as to Twilight's feelings, a mix or apprehension and sympathy for the "Pinkie" in the library, and just a general air of unease regarding the overall situation.
Edit: Ah I read the comments section and now I know what it's supposed to be. Still leaves me not knowing what to feel but I guess that's inevitable with a story like this.
3897626
Yeah, I'm actually gonna give this a pretty thorough rewrite. After getting feedback from the readers, I realized that it ended up being far too subtle, which just managed to confuse you if you didn't get what was happening initially.
I'm all for going against the Viewers are Morons trope, but I guess I went too far in the opposite direction this time.
This is one of the things I'm currently working on, and also the hardest. Trying to strip away most of the ambiguity and still making it an interesting read is bumming me out a lot. I'll also try to make the not!Pinkie's intentions clearer in the new version.
The story was good and all, but I kinda got lost near the end.