Fluttershy needs a friend, she's cold and needs to be warmed up.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 25th Sep, 2011
- offline last seen Yesterday
Valtyra
Stories. Ponies. That's all. If you like my stuff, please follow! <3
Valtyra
Joined 25th Sep, 2011 ·
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Cute.
I'm sure you can see the mess of grammatical errors in this fic. Being a Grammar Nazi, it hurts to see so many of them. I'd highly recommend getting an editor. A human being can catch tons of errors that machines can't catch.
I see potential in you. You just have to work on mechanics a little. Keep writing.
<3 DarqFox
2477502
Mass of gramatical errors? ok, ill take it down then fix it up
Yay TwiShy!
Though... It was a little too fast. One moment Shy is cold, a few minutes later they're tongue kissing. Just a little.
Well, a lot. It wasn't meant to be that long, I can tell, but the pacing really might bother some people.
But it was TwiShy, so you at least grabbed my attention.
But rushy but still cute.
I enjoyed it, if not for the fact it was TwiShy, then for the sheer adorableness of it. However, there is room for improvement. Much look to you and your future things and stuffs
Aww so cute this is. Like what many others here said it was a bit rushed, but it's something that everyone does. Could also do with more full-stops, or periods, as I think they're called (I always call them full-stops).
But that doesn't take away the adorableness of it all. Good show.
A bit rushed but still so cute it is hard not to like this story.
ugh, while this was cute... the pacing sucks. i know you have gotten that A LOT, but it is worth repeating (especially since i have a bit of a thing about bad pacing). anyways, pacing seems to be the most difficult thing for most fanfic writers to get, so don't feel discouraged. just keep practicing and you will get there. or at least i hope you do (we need more twishy shippers).
As the others said, you need to drag this out a little, perhaps explain how atleast one of them feels beforehand, instead of it just spouting out from the blue, that felt unnatural, that was all. While that have been said, I did like it alot, good luck.
I have to agree with the other comments. Nevertheless, it was a short twishy and a adorable one as well, so I liked it. Greetings
Too fast.... More detail on the conflict.
*Has a grammaneurism*
Still, fuzzy feels, and good imagery. Decent character interaction.
Just needs more depth & proofreading.
It's probably just me, but I feel like a lot of romance stories move at an awkward speed. Like, one minute they're friends who happen to be in the same place, and the next their making out in the bedroom. Even when one character has been harboring feelings for a while, as soon as they reveal it, the two ponies' relationship skyrockets. Relationships in real life don't tend to work out that way. A lot of people won't even say "I love you" until they have been together for quite a while. I get that this is a fictional universe, so the rules can be different, but everything always seems rushed as soon as they're in a relationship. Twilight seems to me like she wouldn't immediately kiss Fluttershy the moment feelings started stirring. She's ridiculously analytical, and would probably plan a thousand steps before taking just one. Well, that's how I see her anyway. I guess different people have different ways of looking at characters, but she seems a bit out of character here. She doesn't necessarily have to be a nervous wreck, but I feel like she would at least take more time to think on it, seeing as she apparently developed these feelings in one day. But I'm ranting. I guess I can give it props for being cute or whatever, but I really feel like it needs more build up.
Definitely has some issues... far too fast-paced and I'd really suggest sticking to past-tense. Cute story though. Keep practicing. :3
Hey all, thanks for the feedback :)
I do have a proofreader, unfortunately he was unavailable for this one, I guess it shows XD
Anyway, ill be updating it in the next few days. By making it better paced and adding stuff.
Given that Twilight's known Fluttershy for some time, I feel concern that Twilight only points to one instance of what attracts her to Fluttershy. Shouldn't she be gushing praises for Fluttershy's positive qualities and reminding Fluttershy of events/ memories which served to illustrate said qualities? As opulently verbose as Twilight, it just strikes me as odd that she doesn't gush verbosely and instead only points to one instance of one quality she likes about Fluttershy. It just detracts from Twilight's character and makes her one dimentional, driven by lustful attraction, than any attraction to Fluttershy herself, than her body.
Am I seeing things? Am I reading the story wrong? Or do I bring up valid concerns?
2500862
I do not think you are reading the story wrong, the thing though is that she actually brings up two points. Although better than one, it's still not good.
I havr just edited it to have her list more than one, or two points. I hope this will make her less 1d and actually have some reasons.
If it's not, feel free to pm me some ideas on how to make it better. :)
Very cute, I liked it
This was cute but it feels like a submissive fling for Fluttershy.
Raises a question though, is she a dominant or submissive type?
Oh well.
So, I do agree with the other comments--needs work with pacing, a few grammatical errors here and there--but I like the story itself. TwiShy is what got my attention here, but I really think this has potential. I feel with more practice, (or perhaps another proofreader--the more, the merrier!) you could seriously improve. You have the main ideas down--needs more details, more conflict, and more emotion--but you're not bad. Honestly, I'd love to see more from you. So, have a watch.
(That means write more Twinkie and TwiShy...
)
Nah, I'm joking with you. Regardless, I'll look forward to more installments in your stories Baking a Little Magic and Timid Magic, as well as any new stories you may come up with. If you need help with anything, feel free to ask.
Or more constructive criticism, of course. 
This is a great example of generosity, a friend getting caught in the rain, taking her in and helping her warm up, then realizing that you love said friend, that's a whole new level.
it's cute seeing Twilight get flustered over the fact that she loves Fluttershy but isn't sure what others will think of them being together, she wasn't even sure if Fluttershy loved her the same way until Fluttershy asked her.
cute, a bit rushed, but so cute.
from me you'll get a 3/5. Need to work on phasing
~Tobben