Twilight loves romance novel from an author named "Butterscotch", because she can easily connect with the characters in the novel. Her admiration grows into strong affection, until she is so fascinated with him, that she wants to meet him.
And she will meet him sooner, than she would have ever expected, which leads to the final question: Who hides behind the pen name?
A TwiShy oneshoot.
This is my first story, so please tell me wether you like or dislike it and what you like/dislike about it, so that i can improve in the next stories.
Chapters (1)
Hmmm. It's rare that I come across a story where I actually ponder the downvote.
It's not that this is a bad concept; in fact, if 'Shy and Twilight were to get together, it would probably involve something like this. (At least, books would figure heavily.)
However, the execution leaves much to be desired. Let's poke at some things, shall we?
First off, you mix past and present tense. Never do that. I couldn't get immersed in the story because every other sentence it went from past to present and back again. Pick a tense, and stick with it.
The second thing is how suddenly it comes on. Fluttershy writes, "I love you." Twilight says, "Okay, sure. Why not?" It feels out of character for Twilight to just accept it without any questions.
Characterization is another thing. Twilight is a smart mare; if she reads a book about a pony who lives in the woods with animals, and a smart librarian mare, she'd probably connect the dots. Then again, she might come to the right conclusion and dismiss it for being absurd.
Fluttershy really wouldn't go through other ponies' things. She's just too shy.
Please explain to me your grammar choices. Why is stargazing capitalized? Why do weird and wrong have quotations around them? Why is half the paragraph in the past and the other in the present? Why are there two words tacked onto the end of the third sentence in defiance of grammatical law?
Also, this feels more like a beginning than a complete story. It's got a beginning, a middle, a crisis, but lacks a denouement. It's got no conclusion.
TL:DR: A good concept spoiled by poor grammar and characterizatio, but which could be made better.
Your concept prevents me from downvoting, but you're far from an upvote. Good luck!
1520283
What he said!
Look particularly at:
“Fluttershy”, Twilight thinks immediately, when she hears how shy and quiet those knockings were.
“I am coming!”, Twilight shouts from her kitchen, before she makes her way to her front door and opens it. In front of her stands a shy yellow-coated Pegasus with a long pink mane, which she uses to cover shyly one of her big turquoise eyes.
There are many issues, and I'll just post what I would have wrote as a comparison:
Twilight notices how quiet and shy those knocks had sounded to her. Oh, it's Fluttershy! "I'm coming," Twilight shouts from her kitchen, making her way to her front door and opening it up. She looks out at the shy, yellow coated pegasus standing in front of her, Fluttershy using her long pink mane to cover up one of her big turquoise eyes as usual.
And then, of course, the next paragraph should be spaced out from that one.
I really enjoyed the concept. And the start was good, even if the story written by Butterscotch was a bit obvious.
The main problem I have is that you rush the story. It has a great potential, but it feels like you want to skip to the good parts so bad, that you forget that there needs to be steps along the way, with details that really create the scenes for the reader. The ending feels incredibly rushed too, almost as if someone was making you finish it alas fast as possible. Remember, a story you're telling takes the reader on an adventure. Do not forget to show them everything.
Another problem is your spelling and grammar. The tenses of your verbs change throughout, and towards the end your spelling starts to get sloppy, with letters disappearing from words. Not only that, but sometimes the word choice is off.
My final comment is really how the characterization is off. Initially, it all seems good. As the story goes on however, Fluttershy and Twilight start to fall out of character. Especially when Fluttershy is snooping through Twilight's letters.
okay, first of, good job on the first part.
second. like what the others said, just stick to one tense. and aren't you rushing the story a bit? you got to slow the pass of the story. however, i won't be able to give that much criticism, because i'm not that good with grammar myself, believe me. but a i'll give you a few tips: iv'e read a lot of stories lately and noticed something. if you want to give a line to a character, talking in their thoughts, you can just use apostrophes('), instead of quotations. and instead of quoting the word, you can just type it likethis. well, that's all i can give. the best i can do now is support you. hope you practice and understood my tips. keep up the good work.
Sorry for the major grammar (especially the time mistakes), but i posted the wrong text. Here is an improved text, so that it should be slightly easier to read the story
1520283
Thanks for your honest opinion. I will work on that.
1520287
(English) grammar was never my strong point, when it comes to writing stories. I will definitively work on improving the grammar.
As for the characters are out of character, i guess, that is because of the small time, they had to truly build a love relationship. It would both take them a lot of time, because Fluttershy is very shy and Twilight is pretty oblivious to feelings ...so yeah maybe i should've chosen an other pair.
Since the letters lay very open at the desk, Fluttershy only needs to read the beginning (unintentionally) to get the idea, who will be the receiver of the letter. I believe that even Fluttershy would take a closer look, if she sees, that they are practically addressed at her
Well i actually have no idea why stargazing is written in capitals, i switch time, or very suspicious is there in conflict to the grammatical law. I guess that are slips of pen. Weird and wrong have those quotations to show, that Twilight uses words, which in her opinion didn't really fit the situation. I remove them from wrong, because i think that somehow fits pretty good.
I doesn't want to write a conclusion, even if i had one in mind, because the story just felt done, when i wrote about Twilight going into the cave. Most likely i will redo this story some time and fix those issues, but for now its done as it is.
Thanks for your long and detailed comment. It really helps me to give my story another look and correct some mistakes i made
1520310
That's a neat tip. Thanks
1520476
I was kinda on a rush, when I wrote this story, because i tend to lose interest into things if they stretch out for too long. That would mean that (like every story before), this story would have never finished. Since my goal was it to create a complete story, i rushed it.
Again because i needed to rush things, the characters naturally will go out of characters because i believe that both, Fluttershy and Twilight, are characters, who think a lot, which leads to a naturally larger story, if they want to stand in character.
1521834
Because i rushed i already explained before. For the next stories i will keep the pace down.
I will try to use apostrophes, when i write direct speech and italic when i write thoughts.
Thanks for the support
In my next story i will try to implement every tip, i got from you guys
I would recommend finding fellow writers who can help you by reviewing the stories you write, so that they may offer suggestions on how to make them better.
Other than the grammar this was an amazing story... the ending was my favorite
I'm just gonna take a shot in the dark and say english isn't your native language. Correct?
Anyways. I like the concept, and honest to god I tried to read it, but it just didn't go well.
I'm going to be honest, I like this story and this concept a lot.
However, it started out so strong then just... crumbled. That's the best way I can describe it. The grammar and spelling just got worse and worse over the course of it.
You've got a great idea on your hands, but if you have problems with grammar or spelling, might I suggest an editor or two? I'd be more than happy to do it myself if you desire.
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Yeah grammar is my weak point even in my native language. Now if i write in english it just got a tiny bit worse. Or more than a tiny bit. But i am glad like the concept. I'll try to improve and find someone, who can give my story a second look
1703435
Thanks for your honesty i appreciate that.
I would be very glad if you can give my story (or stories if you still want to look over my writing in the future) a second look, since it seems to be like almost unreadable in the current state.
thats it? THATS HOW YOU FUCKING END THE STORY OMG TALK ABOUT A SHIT ENDING
1710215
Well i would call it an open ending, rather than not a good ending, but indeed i am not that pleased with the ending. Still it can be a very satisfying ending, since it allows a lot of interpretation what will happen. And it just felt done.
Hmm. Looks like a good concept, but it seriously needs fixing. Couldn't finish it, some of the problems are just too grating for me. But I'll leave it in my "read later" list in case you do get it fixed up.
One suggestion I would like to offer is that you not use present tense. While it's generally just a style preference, past tense tends to be easier to read and write. Present tense can be a bit... awkward.
1710215
If you've got a problem with it, man, all you gotta do is request permission to write an extended ending. Then you're free to play as you wish in his world.
1707886
Not a problem, I will take another look at it tomorrow and will mark out any mistakes I see. I'll send it to you via a private message, as to keep the comments uncluttered.
1722973 no srry i just lost it there its good just wondering though are you going to make a sequel
1718058
Hehe maybe. I just want to give it a bit more speed by using present tense, but when i reflect over it, it might not be the best solution for someone, who's English is highly vulnerable to mistakes
1722973
I am very grateful for this and it's a good idea sending it via message
1728194
well i think i am going to rewrite part of it or using some kind of similar storyline in a further story, since i find the shipping very intriguing. If you want i could write a conclusion to this story, although i am very sure that it won't add anything to the story besides... well words.
Good read and all, but it just didn't capture my imagination like fics usually do. sorry. i know I sound like a dick, but i'm sorry, its true.
1740661 ur not being a dick your just giving your opinion
1740661
It's a honest and not evil intended opinion, so i can't take it offensive in any way.
Don't worry about giving some critique; beneath giving you a piece of my mind i want to improve and that is only possible with honest critique
I definitely love the concept, nice idea
The unfortunate downside is that you seemed to be trying to reach the ending too quickly, so it felt like you were describing a situation, instead of telling a story. You might try taking your time, and enjoy the journey, and most definitely take the time to explore the characters personalities. Let the feeling of a situation come naturally, just have it play out instead of trying to force it
You've definitely got something worth pursuing here, so if you decide to reformat this, I'd be all for it. Balmas put it really well, I think
I liked it.
I could have loved it but it was missing a few things.
Describing the story it's well... it different but a tad annoying.
Also about the ending with most stories this sort of ending it great as it allows the reader to think up their own ending to the story, but to me this wasn't the case. it just wasn't the case for this story it just seemed to end for the sake of you not being bothered to finish it. Ugh i hate that.
Anyways nice concept you just didn't take it far enough
This is a good story, but has a lot of grammatical and spelling errors. I'd get it proof-read.
Storywise, It's great but cuts off far too quick at the end.
-Twilight_Scratch
Some formatting i feel needed to point out
'The thought of someone is often written like this' while speech "is written like this" that is how you can tell the difference.
Also this story may be a one-shot but ending on that note was not the best of endings, this can and should be a little bit longer.
from my point of view i'll give this a 7/10 not the best and some work is needed but it is very well written.
~Tobben
4801342 Well i guess it's something that could be easily fixed. I'll look over it again and fix it.
At the end it just felt done for me. It was the best i could come up with altough it sucks. I suppose it spires up the imagination. I think, the whole story is not that good and should be rewritten at some point.
Thanks for the very generous rating though, I myself would rate it quite lower.
I kinda wished you had ended it with them reconciling and getting together, but overall this fic was pretty good. I'll give you an 8.9/10