Sadness, depression, guilt, darkness all these things can easily swallow a happy day. They can change ponies lives in a heartbeat. All it took was one of Rainbow Dash's pranks going a little too far. A over reaction to that prank forever changing the lives of everypony and one dragon, But as the days roll on, the abyss of guilt and constant self blame will consume one mare. Can she ever find forgiveness for her mistake, both mentally and spiritually? Most importantly, will she forgive herself?
Editor Fonypan
Chapters (1)
Heartbreaking but I can't wait to read more!
I love it I need MAOR
One of the BEST tragedy stories I have ever read. But the only problem is, the most annoying thing is that you don't place commas. I had to read a sentence twice to understand it.
2517418 yeah, but being at school means that I have to read loads of things like this'I have learned to live With it ;-)
Btw, dude, if you ever want a proofreader, just message me and I can get on it ASAP =D
2517418 Thanks that means a lot and you just made my day. Sorry about all the commas I really have no idea how to use those if you could help me out that would be great. By the way what did you think of my description?
2517860 Really?thanks a lot are you up for it now?
2517896 oh, uh, yeah, Sorry, I have school to Go to, but I will be back Soon, Sorreh
but, Normally I can get onto Things pretty soon :-) (sorry for any speling mistakes, im on my tablet And its not easy... )
2517896 yeah, send me anything and I can normally get it proofread in under a day :-)
2532876 I just want you to proofread this chapter for me right now thanks
2533605 On it now, should be done in less than a few hours :D
First story, and an astonishingly good one at that! Other then a few typos (that we've all done), this was perfection, you've really got that talent in ya. Keep it up!.
2594202 Thanks that means a lot I have a proofreader that is fixing my errors (and taking forever too) and since I just finished high school I have plenty of time for this story.
This is so good yet so sad!
You really have to make more!
amazing story. trivium you make awesome stories as well xD
MOAR!! NOW!!!
memeorama.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/moar-cat.jpg
This was great.
So sad
Your description of the story is one long run on sentence...
~ Michael
Not Your Fault By: Darksonickiller
Score: 6/10 - (Fix the grammar and it's an 8.5/10)
What I liked:
- Good, strong vocabulary.
- Good world-building.
- Emotional.
- Defiantly shows the author's effort.
- Addicting! (I kept wanting to read more)
- Extremely realistic. (As much as you can get in a pony story, that is)
- Story was well done.
What needs to be improved:
- Erratic indentation.
- Tendency to make run on sentences.
- Lack of commas.
- Tendency to repeat yourself.
- Weird and random paragraph breaks.
- A lot of grammar mistakes.
- Occasionally drawn out.
- Dialogue was choppy and unrealistic in places.
- Trouble with proper punctuation.
- "Ok" is actually spelled "Okay" (Just a little pet-peeve of mine)
- Choppy in places.
- Slight L.U.S.T. Syndrome.
Random comments:
-The beginning was a little choppy and skippy, but still managed to set the scene and properly paint the scene. The bit with Rainbow starting the prank and such was a little out of character and random, but I think that overall it was good.
- I really like the hospital scene. It was surprisingly realistic. I'm no doctor, but from what I do know it sounded pretty accurate.
- I really liked the ending; It was complete yet can be easily connected to a sequel.
- Damn it man! You falcon punched me with the feels!
Examples of mistakes and some fixes:
1.
“I’m so sorry! Please hang in there, Rainbow... please,” Rarity spoke to the unconscious and wounded pony.
Note: See the changes I made? This fixes it being run on and helps capture the emotion better.
2.
“Somepony! I need help now! Anypony, please?!” Rarity shouted, alerting everypony in the room.
Note: This is unrealistic. If you were to say this out-loud, you'd see how that it sounds wrong. With a few punctuation fixes it sounds a lot better.
Final Note: I would have pointed out more grammar mistakes, but there was too many for me to do in one comment... It would take me ages! Now overall I really liked the story. I found myself tearing up more then once and I had to keep a box of tissue by my side (Yeah, I'm a sucker for the feels). But as I have stated there are a lot of grammar mistakes that need to be addressed. I would suggest getting an editor, it would really help. I hope that you don't take my criticism the wrong way, I really love your story, but the grammar mistakes really drive me crazy!
Review by: Michael A.
Review done at 3 in the morning... I'm so tired!
That was refreshing to read a second time. I feel real bad for Rarity though, she killed one of her best friends because of a little mud.
If I may ask will there be an epilogue. Forgive me if you have already said yes or no.
Until the darkness consumes us all.
3561663 yes there will be apart 2 when ever I stop being lazy thank you for the like, fav, comment and read.
˙ɹǝʇdɐɥɔ ʇxǝu ǝɥʇ pɐǝɹ oʇ ʇuɐʍ ʎןןɐǝɹ ı ˙ʎɹoʇs pɐs ʎɹǝʌ ɐ sı sıɥʇ
*dies with love* EEH beautiful.
It's really good. Will patiently await new chapters.
Rainbow is.........dead?
SUCH A GOOD STORY. REALLY SAD THOUGH. SAD TAG IS VERY PROMINENT
THAT.WAS.AMAZING. Please. Moar.please.......
Well.... Mmmm... Sad, but I like, nicely done... I think Twilight would have gone to the hospital and tell every pony but that's just me... any way keep it up....
You get 4 Derpys out of 5 Derpys
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Duck Face
All Rainbow Dash fans =
(broken)
I could never actually imagine Rarity doing that kind of thing. I am not sure whether to say I liked this or not. Well, so far what she did is something I am not into, but I did like the rest of the story.
Good, but sad
; very, very sad
Wow, it's amazing how one small action will set off a chain of painful events. I know Rarity wasn't planning on hurting Dash but, wow. I'm surprised Dash was only in the hospital once with the kinds of stunts she does, she destroyed an entire barn by herself even. Is there a follow up for this story?
This was so SAD I cried myself to sleep, but nonetheless this was absolutely - wow just awesome! ! Keep up the great work!
4111444 thanks plz go check out my featured if its much better.
4111465 alright - but why did dash have to die??!! Oh it was so awful ( but your story is awesome) to witness seeing as Dash is my fav (and best heh) pony
Hard read. 'Tragedy' tag is indeed earned.
Good story! More!
Also, the feels! 
This is just your 1st story? wow this was a good story, I liked the summary as it set the mood for the story. An interesting plot idea with good characterisation for both RD and Rarity. I will honestly admit it was sad for what happened to RD.
There were moments that felt a little bit rushed and your spelling was mostly correct. For future fics for comma placement try re-reading a sentence and notice where you take a slight pause, that my friend should help in knowing where they are needed. (A dear old friend of mine taught me this).
Well done!
-Frost
4009788 I agree with this guy.
4684041 Becasue why not? Go check out For Whom The Belle Tolls It my best fic!
4443415 Say what?
4444603 I was agreeing with you, I couldn't have said anything better than what you posted.
4448713 Okay then.
AMAZING STORY!
(Question: Why always RD?)
4684041 Becasue why not? Go check out For Whom The Belle Tolls It My best fic!
4684052 seen it, 's good
NOOO DASHIE
WHY MY DASHIE WHY!
all of the feels right now
but all in all
good sad fic I just
wish dashie ws alive
I will always love you my dashie
keep da good awesome work bro