Gimme Shelter
Fleur de Lis was standing in the rain outside of her former coltfriend's house, thinking to herself, why did I agree to date Blueblood? Everypony told me he was a bastard, but no, I thought he wouldn't be that bad, that I could change him for the better. Dumb, dumb, dumb. She punctuated her thought with a few facehoofs.
She gave herself a few more when she realized that she left her coat, which had her bits and the key to her apartment, at Blueblood's place. Unwilling to speak with the royal brat again after having thrown a plate at his head, she started walking home, hoping her landlord would be back from his trip in time to let her in.
As the drenched unicorn moved down the soaking wet street she looked around, seeing if anypony was feeling charitable enough to help her out and wondering how she would live this one down. It seemed her streak of bad luck was not about to let up, however, as the street was empty aside from her and a taxi moving at a high rate of speed, about to hit the puddle she was standing next to.
After getting sprayed and losing what little dignity she had left, she shook her hoof and yelled a few insults at the passing taxi carriage, before resuming her slow walk home.
Several minutes passed, and she was now cursing the fact that she lived on the opposite side of town from Blueblood. Well, at least, after today, I'll be as far from him as I can be. Just have to get home without dying of hypothermia first.
Then she thought she heard something. She looked up and saw a blue maned stallion with a short mustache, a trench coat and a monocle waving her over. Going as quickly as possible to this potential savior, she thanked Celestia for somepony seeing her plight.
When she got close enough to get a good look at the stallion, she recognized him as one Fancypants, a young noble and big mover and shaker working his way up the Canterlot social ladder. Everything she had heard about this stallion was very positive, but all the positivity had only served to make her think he was too good to be true, that he had to be hiding something. Right now, though, she didn't care.
Having to raise his voice to be heard, Fancypants asked, “What are you doing out in this pouring rain without a coat?”
“I left mine in my former coltfriend's house when he kicked me out.”
“Oh, what happened?”
“It's a long story. One I would prefer to tell somewhere dry,” the soaked mare said.
“I understand. Shall we go back to my place? I live only about a block from here.”
“That would be nice, thank you.” As they started walking to Fancy's home, the stallion took his coat off and put it over Fleur's back, causing her to smile and say, “Well, it's nice to see that there are still some proper gentlecolts in this world.”
“Of course. I could never just leave a lady out in the cold like that,” Fancy said, wondering just how bad this coltfriend who kicked her out was.
They reached Fancypants' home, a medium sized house in a neighborhood full of up-and-comers, miles from her own home. He opened the front door, and let her enter first. Once inside, she took Fancy's coat off her back and hung it on a nearby coathanger. Fancy entered behind her and ignited his horn in the direction of the fireplace, starting a fire within, then said, “Please make yourself comfortable. I'll make us some hot chocolate.”
Fleur nodded and waited until Fancypants was out of sight before shaking herself dry and moving to the fireplace, taking a nearby blanket with her. She thought Okay, maybe he is as nice as they say. He certainly has been a wonderful host so far. But still...
Shortly thereafter, Fancy returned with two mugs of hot chocolate, and Fleur took one with her magic, taking a tentative sip. As the liquid warmed her core, Fancy asked, “If I may asked, what happened with your coltfriend, miss...”
“Call me Fleur de Lis. I'm sure you've heard of Prince Blueblood?”
“Of course, Princess Celestia's nephew. He was your coltfriend?”
“Yes, for all of two weeks. The bastard seems to have this burning desire to have any marefriend show him the courtesies that he would be expected to show them,” Fleur said.
“That...sounds like everything I've heard about him, though I admit I have not had the pleasure of meeting him.”
“Meeting him would not be a pleasure, I assure you. What happened tonight was that he had invited me to his home for dinner, after I told him that if he didn't shape up I would leave him, then insisted that I make him dinner. In his own home. At that point I just snapped, got in a yelling match with him, and may have thrown a plate at his head.”
“I see. Well, he certainly sounds like the opposite of what a proper gentlecolt should be, and obviously doesn't deserve to be with a beautiful mare like you,” Fancy said.
Fleur didn't say anything, instead taking a long sip of her hot chocolate and a slow glance at her host, thinking He's being so kind to me... but no pony has ever been this kind without wanting something. But he seems... different from the rest.
Fancypants, noticing Fleur's lack of response, asked, “is there something wrong, miss de Lis?”
“Sorry, I'm just a bit, ah, concerned about how things are going.”
“How do you mean?”
“I learned long ago that when things seem to be too good to be true, they probably are, and I'm worried that you might... want something from me,” Fleur admitted.
“Nonsense. I assure you that I would never take advantage of a mare in need, especially one who has had such a long night. I was actually about to offer you a bed for the night, unmolested.”
“And what are you asking in return?”
“One date, my treat,” Fancy said.
“I could agree to that. Thank you.”
“You're quite welcome,” Fancy said with a friendly smile.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Miyajima · 7.3k words · 79 3 · 1.5k views
- SugarBeat · 6.1k words · 29 3 · 953 views
- Ybrad · 6.9k words · 23 2 · 801 views
- Moniker · 1.1k words · 15 1 · 1.4k views
- Ianpiersonjdavis · 1.5k words · 55 0 · 2k views
- Stonemonarch · 5.3k words · 33 3 · 1.3k views
- Silbern · 3.8k words · 35 3 · 1k views
- zyr1987 · 3.4k words · 71 6 · 2.8k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.122 seconds
Total duration
991 users online
2,358,286 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
A short but sweet story.
I must admit, this was a pretty sweet story, and good concept as well. However...
The she thought she heard something.
Perhaps you meant "Then" she thought.
“I learned long ago that when things seem to be too good to be true, they probably are, and I'm worried that you might want take advantage of me,” Fleur bluntly admitted
you might want "to" take advantage of me
Otherwise, all is good.
Sequel?
2589482
Too short in my opinion, so it could use expanding - especially her acceptance of everything that Fancy is doing. There's not really enough time to get in to the action, sympathize with her plight, and then enjoy the outcome since this is pretty much just once scene from a much larger story. One that we aren't seeing here.
Interesting, if somewhat cliche story. Admittedly, it's been awhile since I've seen Sweet and Elite, but I seem to remember Fleur being rather stuck-up, which I wouldn't imagine she would be after having a stuck-up boyfriend, but really that's just a minor complaint. Overall, it was nice, but a little too short to really empathize with the characters, especially Fleur. Sure, you say Bluebood was a jerk (bastard also seems rather strong, given that it's the only explicit word used), but without seeing even the tiniest amount of it, it's hard to just accept it. Same goes for her acceptance of Fancy Pant's offer. I mean, she admits to herself that she's worried he's just trying to get in her pants, but then all he has to say is, "Nah, I'm cool" and she just takes him at facevalue. Again, I would think that someone who had been thrown out by a (presumably) abusive boyfriend wouldn't be so quick to take another man up on his offer to sleep in his house.
Anyway, I think you've got the start of a good idea here, but it really needs to be fleshed out more before it has any weight to it. Right now it's more like you're telling the readers that they should feel sorry for Fleur, and that they should like Fancy Pants, but we don't really have any reason too. You wouldn't need to expand too much, just perhaps show Fleur being kicked out as opposed to starting with her already leaving, and give her a bit more time to warm up to Fancy Pants. Have him do something that shows he's genuine. Actions speak louder than words, or so they say.
I liked it cause it was sweet
2590096
Stuck-up? No no no, if anything she was quite flirtatious- she more or less kept wrapping herself around Fancy Pants!
This story seems much too short to tell a proper story. I would be interested in this concept if it were a little bit longer, but I will stay neutral on it for now. My apologies for the short comment.
My regards,
Pond
2590485
Perhaps stuck-up isn't exactly right. More like, spoiled, let's say.
She wasn't hanging all over Fancy Pants because she was flirting with him. Fleur was doing it because she wanted to show Rarity that he belonged to her. Sort of how you'd wrap your arm around your girlfriend in the presence of another man that you would perceive as a threat. The point being that Fleur was never really portrayed as being all that nice. She came off, to me at least, as that popular girl from high school who tries but never manages to recapture those golden years, always hanging off some guy or another, but never really having a meaningful relationship, he said while talking about ponies in a cartoon for little girls...
So yeah, I may have been reading a bit too much into her character, but whatever. Like I said, that was really a minor complaint in the grand scheme of things. The more pressing concern is the lack of empathy I feel towards Fleur. I can't really bring myself to care because I've been given no reason to.
2590574
That's certainly an explanation! And you're right, 'spoiled' would be a much better description of her then.
I like it. Short and simple, that's just how it is sometimes. You done good.
Not bad for what it is, but it feels like you cut it off at the end without much resolution or climax. There's nothing wrong with writing very short stories, of course, but I still think one should try to mind the structure and make sure it has a beginning, middle and end. If you'd put in just a little more effort, this would be a perfectly decent short story. Oh well.
This is a very good story. It's conveniently short. But there are a few grammatical errors and a few areas where your diction could have been better. But other than that, great job!
sounds like Fancy alright^^
I'd like a sequel^^
This is a great backstory for Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis.
If I may, remove the word bastard, this doesn't really belong in an [everyone] fic.
Added to Twilight's Library on a contributor recommendation.
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/531/319/99f.gif
Great story.
Close on this one, but you have two errors too many. Here are the five that I found:
Should be moved, not moving.
You need a comma after street.
Should be mover and shaker.
You should have a semicolon after care, not a comma.
Should be coltfriend, not boyfriend.
Short 'n' sweet.
I took the opportunity to re-read this story while organizing my bookshelves. Still as good as the first time.
Blue-maned, perhaps? Or blue-eyed, if Fleur's vision is good. Either way, I'm pretty sure Fancy is quite white.
Not a bad story and a great find, mate.
Cute and short. I enjoyed it immensely.