• Member Since 1st Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen January 2nd

Ybrad


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Lyra has left Canterlot with it's snooty upper class types for the more rustic setting of Ponyville.
BonBon is a champion sweet maker from Ponyville owning one of the most premier confectionary shops in all of Equestria.
After a bad first impression, when Lyra is down on her luck it is BonBon who offers her a helping hoof and a friendship is formed. Then it becomes a bit more.

Cover Art copyright to Moozua
Proofreading/Editing from chapter 4 onwards by Scooty

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 13 )

There just aren't enough stories about those two.

Honestly I can't really think of anything to criticize. It was well paced, I didn't feel like it was rushed or took to long. There were details where appropriate and it even even leaves some questions that make me want to read more to find out the answers.

Overall this a good first chapter and I can't wait to see where the story goes.

Keep up the good work! :derpytongue2:

I loves me some LyraBon and this is starting out very promising! It's pretty polished and I have no major complaints, although Bon Bon thinking something deserves quotation marks. Can't wait for more!

Thanks guys. I'll take the thought process quotation thing into consideration.:pinkiehappy:

*Edit* Made a few minor changes to chapter 1 to better indicate inner thought.

*Eidit 2* Whew 3 chapters in one day. And this was originally intended to be a single chapter story :P

If anyone is interested here is a link to a sketchup (Free 3d modelling tool) file of BonBon's house if you want to see where everything will be. The layout isn't perfect but it'll do for my purposes.

BonBon's House

Still liking the story a lot, but I find a couple of things about it a bit jarring:

1. Using British words in the story is totally fine, but making the ponies saying them (especially things like "bleeding") is odd.
2. I feel like sometimes you become robotic in your descriptions and use the ponies' names excessively instead of saying things like "the cream-colored mare" or "the candy maker" to describe Bon Bon.

Keep it up, this is starting to get good! =]

2650339
Thanks for the comment. I know I have a tendency to be robotic in descriptions and so I'm trying to break out of that. I'm afraid as far as the britishness goes, it's going to be like it or lump it :derpytongue2: I'm from the UK, the north of to be specific, so unfortunately these little colloquialisms are staying.

Alright next chapter, lets see if I can improve on this mlarkey.

Lyra's home burnt meal :D or cooking lessons or cooking with lyra

She only payed Bon Bon 4 bits instead of 8.
I'm rather liking this story so far tho.

First:

a bag containing her Subneigh sandwich in her teeth.

Oh my did I want to quit reading here. A sandwich? Not a problem. A subway sandwich? Unnecessary tie in. A subneigh sandwich pushes the boundaries, taking an innocent real world corporation, unrealistically pony-fying it (if they have railroads, they'd have subways), and forcing the reader to think about it. :pinkiesick:

a small pile of cooker-related literature;

Do you mean cooking?

Yeah, I've made the small edit you pointed out MintyRest.

Oddly enough though you had the exact opposite reaction to my proofreader/editor who really liked the pun. I find it interesting to see such dissension of opinions on such a simple line.

ron

MOAR, MOAR, MOAR! :flutterrage:

Apologies for the delay everyone. Life got in the way over the past month, what with moving to a new house, repeated travels between Birmingham and Yorkshire (about 125 miles) and finally having to housesit two houses at once :pinkiecrazy:

But enough of my excuses. Sweet Sweet Music is now back in production and I will hopefully have chapter 5's first draft finished by either the end of today or tomorrow. Let's get this story back on the road shall we.

2836516

Lies.

But seriously, good job. Keep up the good work.

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