• Member Since 14th Sep, 2014

ZeroMonkey


You know what they say about monkeys and typewriters.

Tracking 44 stories
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Total Words: 5,169,205
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"In The Precocious Princeling's Guide to Diplomatic Relations, there are three rules for how a royal ought to conduct himself abroad.

  1. A diplomat of Equestria must obey all local laws of the nation they are assigned to.
  2. A diplomat of Equestria should advocate for the interests of Equestria to the best of their abilities.
  3. Under no circumstance should a diplomat of Equestria get involved in the following: Political parties, popular uprisings, peasant revolutions, class solidarity movements, coups d'etat, or other attempts at regime change, violent or otherwise.

By the time I had finished my tenure in Saddle Arabia, I had broken all three."
-Prince Blueblood, First of His Name

Chapters (3)
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Lyra always knew there was something more out there. She learned in her youth, when she became the victim of a bloodsucking horror that kept her enthralled to his twisted will, feeding on the blood of others to sustain itself. Until Bonnie came, and set her free with fire and bullets. After agonizing withdrawal, Lyra's body healed. But her soul was another matter entirely.

Now she tries to live a normal life, passing the day to day as a music tutor. But horrors still stalk her nightmares, lurking in every shadowy Canterlot alley.

As time passes, something deep in Lyra rebells at this vision of her world, where mankind are desperate prey always fleeing from dark things. Something is calling to her, a vision of a better world. Once her soul wakes to magic, it will never sleep again.

Unless someone puts her in the dirt, of course. Someone like her monster-hunting girlfriend.

Updates Saturdays.


This story is a tribute to the World of Darkness. Knowledge of its setting and characters is not necessary to read this--its lead character will have to learn everything right along with readers. But for the curious, I'm using 1st Edition Mage the Awakening, Hunter the Vigil, Changeling the Lost, Vampire the Masquerade, and Werewolf the Forsaken. It's primarily a mage story, but will include elements of the other books where appropriate.

This story started with the simple premise of wondering what Twilight and her unicorn friends would look like as a cabal of mages. But given how long I've been writing and how old the fandom is now, centering a story on Twilight felt too predictable at this point. I wanted to use one of the background characters as viewpoint instead. Everything else grew from that premise--making the changelings into changelings, some earth ponies into werewolves, etc.

Editing by Two Bit and Sparktail. Two Bit was also my enabler for this story. The cover was made by the fantastic Zen. I'm really happy with how this one came out.

Chapters (25)
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Princess Celestia has sent an invitation to Twilight Sparkle and friends for a royal Canterlot wedding! While reading off the list of invitees, however, Twilight comes across a certain "Mrs. and Mrs. Dash". Turns out Rainbow Dash and Rarity are a married couple, and have been since before Twilight moved to Ponyville. Twilight never knew this. Hilarity ensues, as well as a few feels.

(AU, where RariDash are, well, married. Some canon events and scenes have been shifted accordingly, to Twilight's increasing confusion.)

25-March-2024: Featured. Thanks for reading!

Chapters (8)
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3/14/24 Still Alive Edition

There's only one pony in Ponyville that the Mane Six have never met. Pinkie Pie has never thrown him a party, Applejack has never sold him a mug of cider, and Twilight has never seen him check out any books. And as far as that unicorn, Lapis Print, is concerned, that's exactly how it should be.

Lapis can't risk them knowing where he lives, what he does for a living, or even what his name is - if he gets his way, the Mane Six won't even know he exists, and nopony in Ponyville will miss him once he's gone.

It should be a piece of cake - after all, it's not like the biggest magical power in Equestria is about making sure everypony looks out for each other, right?

(Rated Teen for language - mental cursing mostly.)

Chapters (19)
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This story is a sequel to The Three Sisters: Extended Family


A story of The Three Sisters Universe

Families are like fudge — mostly sweet with a few nuts. ~ Unknown Author

Chrysalis' daughters are serving their community service in Ponyville. Nothing can go wrong. Right?

Unless they all have their own agenda, and surprises keep piling up, complicating matters further. But anything to broker peace between the Changeling Nation and Equestria... right?

Art by the incomparable Conicer!

Now with a TV Tropes page! Warning: Will Contain spoilers.

Chapters (20)
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This story is a sequel to Prey and a Lamb


'Little lamb, Little lamb, where have you been?~ I've sown the fields and reaped the corn~'

Ups and downs, triumphs and setbacks. This story(s) mainly draws from the characters after the end of 'Prey and a Lamb'. These individual story-chapters are both about what came afterwards, and their owners involvement in the wider events of Equestria.

You don't necessarily have to have read the marathon long previous story, (its really long, I know) as the characters can stand alone to an extent, but it might help. Or not? You can do as you please.

---[][][]---

Now, as a word of how I plan to do this, first off: There is no release schedule! Sorry, no bi-weekly update grindstone writing. However, each chapter will be a small self contained story in itself. I will maybe use certain characters more than once, and interweave these min-stories Time Lines, but this will at least mean there are no cliff-hangers at the end of each chapter.

(Disclaimer: I own nothing and have no say in FiM and associated industries. The cover image came from a suggestion from earth)

Chapters (4)
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This story is a sequel to Rider on the Storm


For the briefest of moments, Anonymous wielded absolute power. He single-handedly destroyed the city of Canterlot, laid waste to Ponyville, decimated the Everfree Forest, and came dangerously close to annihilating the very Tree of Harmony itself. And he had an absolutely fantastic time doing it.
Right up until he lost.
Now he's stuck as a statue under the watch of the princesses he tried to subjugate, awaiting the time he'll be locked away forever, with the key no doubt thrown into a volcano. But from the very beginning, Anonymous suspected that the shenanigans of the good guys would cost him his victory at the last moment, and so he laid plans with his most loyal of subjects—all former soldiers of the Storm King he betrayed to obtain his power—to arrange for his release should the opportunity arise.
Unfortunately, he wasn't counting on the ponies calling in help from a faraway land. Enter the Four Princes of Zebrica, all wielding the same exact power that Anonymous did, and knowing a thing or two about how to put bad apples like him away for good. This is made even worse by the sorry state of Anonymous's storm beast forces, having hit hard times in the months since his defeat.
But not all is lost for the petrified supervillain. Because in a rare twist of luck, the Princes just so happen to unknowingly bring with them a zebra criminal with his own dirty little secret. A secret that not only secures Anonymous's release from captivity, but just might be the start of a horrifying new partnership, and with it, the birth of a new force of evil.
And of course, with all that going on, there's always the matter of the nascent Legion of Doom, plotting to bring their own age of darkness to Equestria as well...


Takes place during the final two seasons of Friendship Is Magic. With a few alterations here and there, because I HATE THE ANTI-FIM I HATE THE ANTI-FIM :bread:
Reading Rider on the Storm is strongly advised if you want any idea of what the hell is happening in this story.

Chapters (5)
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There are six pony virtues. Six. And fortunately for the pickup artists, confidence stallions, and desperate of the world, there's also a lot of sapients who can't count that high. Princess Luna's Return produced a few side effects, and one of the more consistently annoying is a never-ending parade of those who claim to be the hitherto-unknown virtue of This Is Worth Some Free Drinks. Others take it further.

Division Seven is an international, multispecies effort, created in an attempt to find and discipline those charlatans. And ideally, to do so before something... happens.

The planet has strange ways of reacting to the presence of true Bearers.

Imagine how it might deal with some of the fakes...


(Now with author Patreon and Ko-Fi pages.)

Cover art created by RamblingWriter.

Chapters (2)
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One thing ponies lack in Equestria is Taco Bells. With enough hard work from enough ponies, that can change.

Negotiations and raising capital are one way to get an official franchise. Alternately, there’s the Glen Bell method: learn how it’s done, then copy it. Get ponies into every level of production, from the tomato fields to the restaurants, find out who supplies the machines and buy their own.

Is it ethical? That’s a grey area, but it might be the only chance to save 7-Layer Burritos.


Now with a reading by StraightToThePointStudio!

Chapters (8)
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Given a unique perspective on negative emotion, less than a foal's knowledge of ordinary magic, a healthy schadenfreude, and danger bearing down on all sides, the self-proclaimed "Weiss Noir" makes no plans accounting for his death, and plans to keep it that way, even after being torn away from earth, turned into a unicorn, and dumped into one of the most inhospitable locations and times in all of Equestria.

Stranded in the Frozen North, a place where biting cold ends lives, and one thousand years in the past, in a time when peril is the norm, rather than the exception, Weiss decides to indulge in sorcery most foul, stolen ideas, and human ingenuity to survive.

Given the choice between a mad slaver and a mad sage, however, there is no avoiding an inevitable tide of ponies escaping the conquered Crystal Empire to bask in the warmth of his well-stoked hate. Something which draws attention, enemies, and most worryingly, the rivalry of his "peers".

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Chapters (160)