Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXXI · 9:09pm Dec 10th, 2020
It’s been an uneventful week. A lot of my time was spent reading (of course), but I did finally manage to get some writing done yesterday. Which was very encouraging, as I got 1,500 words in a day despite the long break. Looks like the guilt is finally too strong to ignore. 
I’ve decided to focus on Bulletproof Heart for now, mostly because I’ll soon be on RL vacation and won’t be able to discuss things with my pre-reading group for the Guppy Love originalfication for a while anyway.
On that note, I’m thinking about focusing all my efforts on BPH until it’s done, or at least the rough draft. It’s been waiting far too long thanks to all these delays, and I think it’s about time I gave it the attention it warrants. Another reason is that I want to start focusing on one story at a time to increase how fast I release these things in general. If I am going to move on to original fiction, I’m going to want to get into the habit of releasing a story every year or two, and my current methods of writing three or four stories at a time isn’t going to let me do that.
But for now, let’s focus on the reviews. Shall we?
Stories for This Week:
Defender of Justice, King Sombra! by VashTheStampede
A little big secret by Centurion Pike-Wall
Pinkie's Pepsi Predilection by RhetCon
The Flurried Soul and the Troubled Heart by MasterThief
Old Tricks by Horizon Spark
A Lovingly Crafted Lunch by Daemon of Decay
Expecting by Shahrazad
Refraction by shortskirtsandexplosions
Being Honest With Yourself by Tinybit92
Hidden Goddess by TheEveryDaySparkle
Total Word Count: 151,382
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 9
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
Defender of Justice, King Sombra!
83,993 Words
By VashTheStampede
It’s been a long time since Sombra’s defeat, but somehow he’s back. Except, for some reason, he’s not the tyrant he used to be. Lost, alone, and tortured by guilt, he stumbles through the woods before finding, of all things, a group of filly campers led by Nurse Redheart.
The best way I could describe this one is “wish fulfillment”. Set sometime between Seasons 4 and 5, there is no explanation offered for why Sombra finds himself reincarnated now, months or perhaps even years after his defeat in Season 3. Nor is there any reason for him to have suddenly stopped being evil. You’re expected to just roll with it. Which is fine, I suppose, so long as you’re not one of those sorts who needs to have reasons behind everything.
The story is 100% romance, with the mysteriously reformed Sombra engaging in a year-long courtship with Nurse Redheart of all ponies. Aside from the unusual ship, it also involves such new ideas (well, new for me) as Bulk Biceps being Redheart’s adopted brother who works at a local orphanage and has a crush on said orphanage’s headmare. I’ve got to say, it was nice seeing him being treated as a ‘normal’ character instead of a jock stereotype or absolute adherence to his… *ahem* boisterous in-show nature. Having a story focus so heavily on these two largely unappreciated characters was nice.
The story also does a nice job of explaining Sombra’s immortality, creating a backstory for his “fall” in a way that is believable, but also lends itself to some worldbuilding. It does strike me as odd that in later chapters the characters all seem to forget that he was ever immortal, Sombra included, but I suppose there is a good underlying reason. It’s never outright explained, something I only theorize through observation could make him mortal again; a little confirmation in-story would have been nice.
Then there’s the world creation theory this story conjures. It’s nothing particularly new or original, but it’s certainly not bad. My only complaint here is that it’s brought up in one chapter and then… goes away. So what was the point of bringing it up in the first place? It doesn’t advance the story, so I’m not sure it has any reason for existing other than the author wanting to show it off.
One of my favorite aspects of the story is how it doesn’t force us to watch Sombra befriending the Mane 6. Oh, yes, they make appearances when necessary or helpful, but they aren’t even remotely an important part of the story. The only one of any import is Twilight, who helps Sombra to understand the changes in his magic throughout the story. I particularly like that Rainbow is shown to have never forgiven Sombra’s past and continues to treat him coldly despite all her friends having come around to, at the very least, tolerate his ongoing presence in Ponyville. It’s a nice change of pace from the “the Mane 6 are best friends with everypony!” theme that occupies the vast majority of the stories on FIMfiction.
I suppose the only question I have left is: what the heck is with that title and cover art? They strongly suggest that this story will heavily emphasize Sombra’s relationship with the kids at the orphanage. They end up as little more than backdrop and barely important to the overarching story. And where in all of this story does Sombra earn the title “defender of justice?” He’s not a warrior, he’s not protecting anypony (save for one instance involving a runaway apple cart (why are there so many of those?)). I’m tempted to call that false advertising.
Ultimately, though, this is a romance. It is written for romantics, and it will mostly appeal to romantics. If you’re not a romantic, I’m not sure that this will provide you with anything worthwhile. Heck, it even has a wedding epilogue, because of course it does. On the plus side, it avoids a lot of the common issues with romances, such as the main couple getting into fights for nonsensical reasons or long, annoying bouts of “she’d/he’d never love me!” Then again, a lot of the hopeless romantics out there thrive on that kind of thing, so…
As a romance, this works well. It does what it needs to do. Better yet, it avoids some of the most common tropes of the genre without sacrificing a sense of conflict. If you can get past the unexplained starting point and the side tracks that don’t seem to go anywhere, you may find an enjoyable piece. The romantics among us will certainly want to sink their teeth into it.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
It's Been a While — Needs Work
Counting Crows — Worth It
A little big secret
5,175 Words
By Centurion Pike-Wall
Rarity attends an opera with Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis, who take the opportunity to introduce her to the reclusive pegasus aristocrat, Baroness Silver Rush. As it turns out, they’ve already met.
I have to admit, I’m fond of the idea of Rainbow Dash being pegasus aristocracy, publicly or in secret. It doesn’t hold against canon, but our author was smart enough to slap an AU tag on this thing so we’re all good. The story is exactly what you’d expect: Rainbow is secretly a member of the pegasus elite, Rarity finds out, Rainbow explains the details, the end.
The big problem with this one is that it’s a member of that most disappointing class of short story: the “this is a thing” genre. You know the type, they reveal some concept and then do nothing with it at all. No drama, no grand purpose, not even a conflict to speak of. It’s just, “hey, here’s an idea, bye”. These things are woefully lacking in ambition.
That being said, there’s nothing wrong with this as presented. It puts down a setting for Rainbow being a member of the aristocracy that generally works. Do I wish there was more to it? Absolutely. But considering how uncommon it is for me to find a story that explores this particular concept in any depth at all, I guess I’ll settle for that. It’s not poorly written, a few minor typos aside, and does everything it intended to do. I’ll take what I can get.
If the idea of Rainbow being part of the upper class interests you, there’s no reason not to take a look.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Pinkie's Pepsi Predilection
1,100 Words
By RhetCon
Sunset Shimmer, being a sane individual with good taste, prefers to drink Coke products. Pinkie disagrees. Sunset is willing to accept that as Pinkie’s opinion and let it be. Pinkie, on the other hand, is not about to let her (former?) friend continue to enjoy a product that isn’t Pepsi.
You know, it’s pretty common for people to refer to these things as “sodas” or “pop”. I come from the southern U.S., though. You know what we tend to call them down here? “Coke.” No, it doesn’t matter if it’s a Pepsi or a Dr. Pepper or a Sunkist or even a genuine Coke, they are all “cokes”. It wasn’t until I was well into my teens that I discovered that wasn’t universal.
At any rate, this is a silly, pointless story in which Sunset, trying to be reasonable, faces a bunch of people who are decidedly not reasonable. To her, what drink you prefer is a matter of opinion. To her friends, Pepsi is Life, and if you disagree you are The Enemy. I share her exasperation.
It should come as no surprise that Pinkie would favor the drink with the higher sugar content, though.
Read this if you feel like throwing away five minutes on some fun nonsense.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
I'm So Sorry! — Worth It
The Flurried Soul and the Troubled Heart
1,611 Words
By MasterThief
Shining Armor gets called to Flurry’s school. Turns out she started a fight with several students. Now he and Cadance need to figure out why.
This is a simple story in which we learn that Shining and Cadance have a very fine daughter, indeed. It’s not much more than a brief slice-of-life fluff piece. It’s decently written and directed; there’s nothing I see to complain about. Maybe a more nitpicky reader would see something.
Read this if you’re feeling the need for some feel good parenting slice-of-life.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Old Tricks
1,736 Words
By Horizon Spark
Y’know, when I saw Octavia might become Assistant Headmare, I was stoked. Shame she passed on the job. Just sayin’.
In this story, an older Trixie goes to invite Starlight for lunch on a typically busy day at Twilight’s school. During the well-deserved break, she confesses to a sense of failure. Trixie was supposed to be the world’s greatest magician, and instead she’s… a guidance counselor. How lame is that? Starlight sets her straight, as friends do.
There’s not much to this one. That summary tells you pretty much everything you need to know, and there will be no surprises. Yet I think that’s alright; it’s nice to see someone address Trixie’s change in scope. If you’d suggested to anyone back in Season 3 that Trixie would become a school employee, they probably would have laughed in your face. It’s an interesting subject for that alone.
Short and to the point. Those looking to see more of Trixie and Starlight being best friends will likely enjoy it.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
A Lovingly Crafted Lunch
4,860 Words
By Daemon of Decay
In collaboration with RainbowBob
Scootaloo has a fairly standard home life. Decent house, loving mother, Elder God father. You know. Normal.
It comes as no surprise to me that someone collaborating with the greatly missed RainbowBob would end up writing about lovecraftian madness inserted in an otherwise normal setting. And really, that’s all this is. It’s all, “hey, imagine if we wrote about a family that is perfectly normal and sane in every imaginable way, but do it with Cthulhu as the father.” Mind-warping antics ensue.
It’s every bit as crazy as it sounds. I must admit, I was amused.
There’s not much else to say. You know what it’s about, you might be able to grasp the ridiculousness of it all, and the whole thing is in good (so to speak) fun. If that sounds entertaining to you, then read this.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Help — Pretty Good
What's in the Box? — Worth It
Nine months after the Alicorn Amulet incident, Trixie returns to Ponyville. Pregnant. Convinced that a life on the road isn’t a proper one for a foal, she can only go looking for the father and hope he can help. Luckily, he’s not very hard to find.
This was… peculiar. The story moves fast, with Trixie showing up at the Apple farm to let them know Big Mac’s the father of her unborn foal, which in turn leads to Big Mac proposing marriage – albeit only for fear of Granny Smith’s righteous fury. The story then follows the few months of time to the wedding, with the Apples and Trixie attempting to put up with one another.
What strikes me as so odd about this one is its insistence on avoiding all the things that would be most important for a story of this sort, particularly in regards to relationship growth. We never get to see Big Mac and Trixie trying to make their new, obligatory relationship work, or see Trixie struggle to become accepted among the Apples. These elements are largely ignored, but you’re still expected to believe that they happened by the end of it. Somehow. Instead, Shahrazad focuses their attention on pregnancy jokes, poking fun at Twilight’s sexual orientation, and Pinkie going megalomaniacle as the wedding planner. In short, this isn’t a drama, despite the tag implying as such: it’s a comedy and nothing more.
Shahrazad does try at times to instill some drama and minor character growth. For instance, there's this moment where Trixie, all alone, comes to realize that the Apples aren’t being nice to her in a scheme to get something from her. I’m sure it’s intended to be some sort of big awakening moment. But there’s no buildup to the scene, no hints earlier in the story to suggest she ever even suspected that kind of thing. It just happens out of the blue, and as such the entire scene fell flat for me.
The concept is fine, but it felt to me like Shahrazad focused on all the wrong things. I’m not saying they shouldn’t have shown the bachelor party or had Granny Smith bring an actual shotgun to the wedding. I’m only saying that if Shahrazad wanted a serious story, they should have focused their attention on the relationship between Big Mac and Trixie, and probably Applejack and Granny Smith too.
But hey, if you’re looking for a comedy centered around pregnancy and wedding preparations, this will probably do you just fine. There’s nothing overtly wrong with the writing or the characters, and the comedy is entertaining. So jump in and have fun, if you feel so inclined.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Roll in the Hay — Pretty Good
Breath of Fire — Needs Work
Refraction
18,611 Words
By shortskirtsandexplosions
It’s a perfectly normal day for Twilight and her friends, if a busy one. She’d best enjoy it. She’ll be seeing it again soon.
This strange tale has Twilight reliving the same day again and again, each time with something important taken away. I wish I could go deeper than that, but this is one of those stories you’re better off experiencing yourself.
Every chapter replays the same day. At first, the differences are minor. By the end, however, it’s like we’re looking at an entirely alien reality. The story is, overall, an important lesson about the joy that is found, has been found, and will be found eventually in the form of friendship. It’s not my favorite SS&E story, not by a longshot, but I love the concept behind it. The story’s style, with its harsh themes and endurance against mental agony, are typical of this author.
Whether that’s a good thing or not will depend upon your own perspective, but it stands to reason that any existing fan of SS&E will love it.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Hello, Sedna — WHYRTY?
.out.of.character. — WHYRTY?
Scale — WHYRTY?
Everypony Cuddles, Sometimes — Pretty Good
We Live In a Kind World — Pretty Good
Being Honest With Yourself
3,296 Words
By Tinybit92
Sequel to Asking a Favor
Sunset Shimmer is at Sweet Apple Acres, ready to help Applejack work the farm for the weekend. This leads to her meeting a horse from the human world for the first time.
This was curious. The story is largely about Sunset reflecting on her home and sharing her self-loathing with Applejack, particularly in regards to Celestia. I really like how Tinybit92 used Sunset’s interaction with a human-world horse to set this up.
I also found it interesting that the author makes it so ponies in Equestria care for their own hooves. I was always under the assumption that there were farriers in Equestria for that task. But thinking about it, I can’t recall a single instance in which a farrier pony or workshop appears in-show, so this does in fact make some sense. My predilection may come from how I know nothing about the work and just assumed it was something a specialist would have to do.
But that’s just a side-note, or rather, the setup of the story. The real point here is Sunset and her feelings of self-worth and happiness. Plus Applejack being honest even if it hurts, which is one of her better traits in my opinion. I enjoyed this conversation much more than I did the one with Rarity previously, as this one felt more… important, I guess? That being said, I’m starting to appreciate Tinybit92’s intentions here, which I believe is making a series of stories that work better as a collection than they do independently. Rarity’s eased Sunset into the very concept of having friends who forgive her past, and now Applejack is helping identify one of Sunset’s underlying issues. I can’t help but wonder what Fluttershy will do with the next story.
I have no complaints about this story specifically. The only question I have is whether or not it would have been better to release these not as independent stories but as chapters in a single story. But that may be my annoyance that my scheduling methods won’t let me read these back-to-back.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Oh no, he's cute — Pretty Good
Asking a Favor — Worth It
Lunar Musings — Needs Work
Hidden Goddess
1,181 Words
By TheEveryDaySparkle
Sequel to The Order of The Rainbow
I scoffed at The Order of the Rainbow, which tried to repaint Rainbow Dash into an OC with a completely different personality. Said OC, who had been keeping this secret all her life, mysteriously decided to tell a random stranger (the audience) all about her true role as a princess despite not telling the ponies she can actually trust with this information (her friends). Needless to say, I was not impressed.
TheEveryDaySparkle attempted to debate with me over my impressions. While my overarching opinion was not changed, I did learn a little more about their intentions with the story. Things like the author’s opinion that short stories do not qualify as stories and this “secrets” series has us as a random person travelling Equestria learning assorted characters deepest secrets because… because. Knowing these things, I figured I’d give the next story in the series a go and see if these revelations would improve my opinion on it.
So we get to Hidden Goddess, in which Fluttershy confesses (again to a random stranger rather than some trustworthy friend) that she is in truth a literal goddess of nature. Oh, and also Discord’s wife.
In terms of concept, I like this far more than that of Rainbow being a princess. As a “goddess”, there’s a lot more room to maneuver for Fluttershy in terms of hiding her identity than if she were a mere mortal. There’s no attempt to convince the reader of Equestria-wide conspiracy theories involving the Wonderbolts and the princesses, and that’s a big boon. Being a goddess who is apparently able to change her appearance (given by how Discord failed to recognize her when he first was released from stone), it also makes it easier to believe in the canon story of her “childhood” relationship with Rainbow Dash.
In short, TheEveryDaySparkle wrote this one in a manner that doesn’t stretch the boundaries of believability. I’m far more willing to accept at face value that Fluttershy is a timid but powerful goddess of nature than that Rainbow Dash is secretly a noble and elegant princess with an entire secret order at her beck and call. What’s the difference? Simply this: in this story, Fluttershy is still clearly Fluttershy.
At any rate, Hidden Goddess is a vast improvement to its predecessor. It still has some minor issues (“Apple Jack?”), but as a non-story it’s on an entirely different level from its predecessor. Is that because TheEveryDayGoddess refined the concept? No way to know. But it does give me hope for the rest of the series.
I’m still wondering why this mysterious stranger is so worthy of her trust as to be told the truth, though. Ongoing theory is that it’s another deity, even if the opening lines seems to defy that possibility.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Order of The Rainbow — Needs Work
Stories for Next Week:
Homecoming by Rose Quill
Rock Hard~! by RoMS
A Special Rainbow by Mathew_The_Raridash_Fan
Leaf and Sap, Blood and Fire by Drakkith
Your Fangs Are Showing by Bucking Nonsense
A Study in Violet by MaxKodan
Expert Amateur by TheBandBrony
Recycled by Trick Question
Friendship Is Magic - Extended Cut by AdmiralSakai
August Fifteenth by Nicknack
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Do you just manage to spin out 1500 words a day that you’re satisfied with? How do you do it? Whenever I write something, I hate it and have to re-write it, rinse and repeat and I never get things done.
"A Lovingly Crafted Lunch" is the only one I've read of these, and like you, I found it to be light, simple fun. It wasn't laugh-out-loud funny, but it was plenty cute and amusing.
Your opening couple of paragraphs about Hidden Goddess inspired me to look up the referenced discussion with the author, because I was sure I must have been misunderstanding your summary of their position. And, well, I guess I'll just say that s/he certainly has some... interesting ideas about what stories are, and how they work.
Also, as long as I'm commenting I'm with you and 5413171 on A Lovingly Crafted Lunch. Fun, cute, shallow, perfectly fine for what it is. Which, ultimately, isn't a bad thing to be!
Paul’s Thursday Reviews: The Worth It Edition
Well, this is a surprise. Glad you've enjoyed my story!
5413170
You worry too much.
I write. I get 1,500 words down. I feel accomplished because, hey, I just wrote 1,500 words! Maybe they're not the best words, but they're words. Perhaps I'll pause to consider how I phrased something or whether that comma belongs there, but it's rare for me to spend more than, say, a minute on a sentence (and that's probably a liberal estimate).
I've never seen a need to agonize over getting the exact right words down in the exact right way. I'm far more interested in the act of telling a story in the first place. Your average reader isn't going to throw my book in the garbage because I could have said "inevitable" instead of "absolute certainty".
Simply put, I've learned to enjoy the act and success of having written in general. I only wordsmith when I feel like it, which isn't often and certainly isn't going to be for my longer stories.
...none of this is to say I don't want a prereader/editor to go through it and help me make it better, mind you.
5413248
IKR?
5413473
It's not even about the technicalities of prose and word choice I'm worried about (I tend to be pretty careless with that stuff anyway). It's more to do with the plot and how events play out, characters and how their dialogue sounds, and so on. Like I'll write a paragraph of dialogue and think it could sound better, or I'll worry if going into X direction is better/worse than Y direction.
I really do envy how much proofreading help you get. I'm pretty much writing without any feedback, so I just have to trust my own judgement and assume the scenes I'm writing are good.
Though like you said, maybe I shouldn't worry too much.
5413523
It's not that different for me, really, except when I write something, I don't stop to think if there are better ways to do it. Usually; sometimes I'll come back to a scene the next day and be like "no, that doesn't work" or "oh, they could do this instead!" and make changes. But that's a very rare thing. My attention is more often towards "okay, how do I make this work with what I'm trying to get to?" or "what's the next step for everyone?"
That said, you're right that having some prereaders helps a lot. My originalfication of Guppy Love is going to be significantly different from the FIMFiction version just because I had some to point out better alternatives. The hardest part is recognizing which alternatives are the best ones to use – assuming a change is the best thing in the first place. I learned that the hardest part of being a writer with feedback is knowing when to stand your ground and when to let your pride take a kick in the pants.