Ever since the sonic rainboom incident, Rainbow Dash has kept a secret. She's kept the secret even from her friends for as long as she could remember. This is her story.
(told from Rainbow's POV.)
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 27th Nov, 2016
- offline last seen April 3rd
TheEveryDaySparkle
A fellow fan and author. Newbie and looking to make friends here on this amazing site of ours
TheEveryDaySparkle
Joined 27th Nov, 2016 ·
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TheEveryDaySparkle · 1.2k words · 71 9 · 2.3k views
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What about her father?
Interesting idea, but the execution was short. An odea such as this should (in my opinion) be a multi-chaptered story. But do what you must, this is your work, not mine.
You get a D+.
Insteresting idea. Not bad at all.
I feel as though this could have been executed a little better. It felt like too much telling, no showing. I mean the way you structure your story is up to you at the end of the day, but I'd really like to see this fleshed out into a full work of fiction. At the minute it just reads as a brief explanation of a bigger story, a story that sounds really interesting at that.
It's a great idea, one that would be amazing if executed properly. Don't get me wrong, I love what you did here but, if it were to have more details and depth it would be better. I also notice there's a lot of telling, barely any showing. I consider revising this.
Other than that, great job!
7843923
How do you mean?
7851238
Rainbow Dash's father also has a rainbow mane.
7851250
Ah, I was wondering that as well, but I guess that's just a gap the author forgot to fill. (I guess)
7851258 I said ancestors, did I not? Seriously did I not?
7851310
I apologize if I offended you, if so it was unintentional. What I assume both of us were thinking (as I can't speak for i_am_the_jam) was that she would have gotten it from her fathers genes at birth and not develop it later in life.(My reasoning at least)
7851333 No you didn't offend me. I was simply asking a question is all. It is not stated that this is true is it? That the rainbow mane was genetic?
This sounds awesome
8739187
Thanks
Not bad. Bit short but I guess they all can't be epics.
8739331
You're welcome
Meh, it's all exposition. You've got this idea you think is great and you're telling us all about it, but not actually crafting a story around it to tell it in.
Sorry if that came off harsher than intended. I just didn't find it entertaining.
edit: and I'm not entirely sure how I got here, because now I look at the date on it and I'm like "how was this in my feed?" Sorry to necro-comment, too.
9153023
Well, I hope you weren't expecting this to be a story, because it's intent was to be by itself. It's not a story, and I wasn't expecting to write one when I made it. It's fine. I actually like hearing what people think of my stories.
9154763
You're a good sport. I like that. *hoofbump*
9154785
Thanks. *Hoofbump* Like I said, I didn't want to turn this into an actual story. It was an idea that popped into my head one day taht I thought deserved to be written down. If you came looking for a story, though, I did take this and make it a series.
You can has review!
10291169
Excuse me, but I was not aware I sent this up for a review? Did I perhaps do it a long time ago or by mistake?
10291528
Not at all. While people can request reviews from me, the vast majority of what I review is by my own selection.
10292147
I see. Well, seeing as you took the time to review my story, despite my lack of prior notice on the subject, I suppose I should thank you for taking the time out of your day for it. However, seeing as I also read your review I feel I must clarify a few things as to the nature of my story. First of all, this was never meant to be a full story. It was intended to be a one shot showcasing a scenario in which Rainbow Dash is not actually the boastful, reckless, accident prone pegasus we know her as, but is instead a proper trained princess. Which would also explain her out of character behavior. It was fully intended to be that way. Rainbow Dash is also not talking to herself. She is thinking of memories from long ago. In my aptly named "secrets series", a collection of stories I wrote to act as sequels to this one, you will find that most if not all of the time, the person they are speaking to is us, the readers. In my series, we take on the role of an observer, roaming ponyville and listening to the secrets of the mane six that they refuse to reveal to each other not because they do not trust them, but because they believe it would change their friendships. This story is also quite old, and while I am not excusing any imperfections in my writing by claiming age, I also do not intend to make changes, as the series is finished as it is. I am not trying to convince you to change your opinion, I am simply clarifying things, as I believe you may have misunderstood my intentions with this story. Thank you.
10292977
A "one shot" is still a "full story", only a short one. If you didn't intend for this to be a story at all, maybe it would have been appropriate to state as much in the story's description? Even so, this is not something you can just say "it is so" and expect people to buy it, not when you're completely rewriting Rainbow's character from scratch. Sure, you give excuses, but without actually seeing these things in action it all feels unreal. In order for people to acknowledge and accept something so completely opposite of reality, they have to see how it came to be and in action. That means letting us see Rainbow's discoveries, watching her training, witnessing her change personas when her friends leave or arrive. A simple summary as you provide doesn't even come close.
There's also zero reference to this "observer", nor is there any reason that we can see for Rainbow to confess to this "observer." Instead, she just starts talking. It's impossible for the reader to grasp your intention when you make no attempt to clarify it in-story.
At any rate, I would never, under any circumstances, recommend someone make significant changes to a story after it's been published. In fact, I've made it a point to always recommend against it. Recreating a story from scratch, sure, but not something that already exists. I find it's better for our old stuff to remain available so that people can see how we've progressed over time, and to remind ourselves of where we once were. It can be a wonderful method of self-assurance.
10293200
Excuse me for the interruption, and you may feel free to ignore this until your earliest convenience, however, after careful deliberation, I have decided that I feel a bit too strongly about this to not discuss it. Now, I admit, I may begin to ramble, however if you would do me the favor of reading until the end, you will likely understand my position. A one-shot, by its very nature, is not a story. It is true that they may be made into stories, however, they will still lack a crucial element to make a complete story. A beginning. Now, I do not mean that the story will simply jump right into the situation with no backbone (Despite the fact that that is exactly what most one-shots are known for). I simply mean that one shots are not built to contain the multitudes of chapters and heavy use of wordplay and description that come with most real stories. They are innately quick to start and quick to finish, and often do not expand heavily upon the topics they seek to convey. they simply gather what is considered important and compile it into a cohesive whole. For example, my story, an apple a day, is a one-shot, and it is indeed a story. It has a beginning, middle, and end. However, as you would see if you read it, it starts with the problem, rather than leads up to it. It gives us only what we need to know about the situation before going directly to it. There is no introduction of characters (Which technically is already not needed because this is fanfiction.) Or a description of the outside situation. It simply focuses mostly if not entirely on the main character. And that is a one-shot. As for you saying that I cannot say it is so, and expect others to believe me, I'm afraid I must disagree. While it is true that Rainbow Dash was not created by me, and I have a duty to uphold the nature of the character and portray her as the creator would, I am also the author of this story, and I have full creative license over how I choose to convey my ideas involving her. I made it clear with the alternate universe tag that this would be different from the typical setting we know and love. Therefore, one is expected to go in with a level of suspension of disbelief, and not only that, but I am not trying to convince someone to believe everything my story says. I am simply trying to make them see it as a possible outcome given the set up of the scenario I have created. I have even gone through great lengths to represent these changes in a way that one may yet believe them. It is not considered a great change from the typical personality, if you are not only informed that changes may be present, but also given ample evidence as to what may have brought those changes about, or what may have been present from the beginning. Moving on from this, I would like to address your mention of my observer. This story was the progenitor for my entire secrets series, and I was not thinking of such a thing beforehand. However, I also said that not all the stories would be like this, and that she was being reminded of memories from her past, yet another indicator of evidence to her change of personality, being that in this story, she was always this way. Mentioning the "observer" is very much not necessary, as we not only naturally take on that role as readers of a story, but the story is even written in such a way as to convey that we are being told things by her. Not within the story, but to us directly. It is supposed to feel as though we are being let in on a secret that no one else can know. It is supposed to feel like an intimate and meaningful moment to both us and the character. What you and many others seem to be misunderstanding, is that the tell, not show structure that I used within this story is entirely on purpose, as it creates the aforementioned atmosphere much more effectively in my opinion. If I may be allowed to guess at your thoughts, you seem to be very...traditional in terms of how a story is written. If it does not have a carefully fleshed out beginning, middle and end, it is not a story. Or rather, does not properly tell one. However, I believe that if you were to open up to other methods, and perhaps look at the story less from a cold, analytical, outsiders form of criticism, and more from a warm, attached insiders view. (Looking at the story from the story's perspective and not just judging based off the words on the page), perhaps you would be able to see my intentions.
10293574
Firstly: I highly recommend you learn to use the Enter key.
Second: It is clear by your answer that you are one of those who prefers to dismiss the experience and lessons of more established writers and go your own way. You've chosen to redefine common concepts to suit your own preferences rather than adhere to common logic and rules. This can only lead to one of two outcomes: a rapid shot to stardom or an eternity of being unknown. Given that you've been here three-and-a-half years and have less than 200 followers, it's probably going to be that second one.
I know how that is. I used to be rebellious and lash out against my critics as quacks who don't know what they're talking about. But eventually I mellowed out and discovered that trying things their way wouldn't hurt me. Over time, I came to realize that what they were saying made sense, and I became much more open to suggestion and refinements in my writing. I grew up, and became a better author for it. Better yet, I learned of the many, many ways there are to write.
You now face a choice. You can continue your rebellion against what you consider "narrow minded" writing and continue to carve your own narrow path. Or you can choose to mature and start listening to what your critics have to say. Whichever one you choose will decide your future not only as a writer, but as an individual. Pick your values: the potential for your stories to be seen and recognized by the wider reading community along with the ability to adapt, evolve, and solve... or your pride.
Either way, I wish you luck.
10293779
I am not dismissing your advice. My answer gives no such indications. I am simply making known my own views on a subject, so that you may perhaps view it that way as well. It is purely my opinion and I do not reject yours. If you are referring to the latter half of my comments I simply took a guess at how you look at things. Am I to be persecuted for such an action?
Also, the advice you have given me amounts to "show, not tell.", Or rather, flesh things out more. One of these I have struggled with for a very long time, the other I have enough experience with to at least try and do it correctly.
Of course I have my pride. Every artist no matter the kind takes pride in their work and normally does not enjoy (But does not mind.) having it analyzed and picked apart.
But that is also not what you did. You looked at my story, told me things I already knew about it, without considering if that is how I wanted it to be or not and declared it unworthy.
I am not upset, and I am not going against you. I am giving you my perspective, I am letting you see my thought process and how I thought I should go about writing this story at the time.
My intentions with this story are very clear, as I have made many a story just like it, and you yourself have said what it is. It is perfectly okay if you believe it could be done better than what it already is. In fact I'm sure it can, but that does not mean the way I chose to write it is somehow wrong. If there are many ways to write a story, why confine me to one?
When it comes to implementing the advice of my betters, I am more than willing to do it. However, as I lack the necessary experience to properly do so, I tend to not do it as it would require me to make changes I cannot properly convey.
The reason I have so few followers is most likely because I am lazy and often do not finish my stories or write here at all. I have not written anything or been on this site for around a year and some months. Many people have tracked and even favorited my stories, but because I do not continue them, they are declared dead. I have many blogs where I apologize to my readers for my chronic absence, and I do not intend to make excuses for it.
Basically what I am hoping to try and say here is, I am not "one of those writers", and I am not "rebelling" against you. I do not reject criticism. I simply either cannot see ways to implement that criticism, or it is not criticism at all.
I feel as though we are operating on completely different viewpoints. You believe I am in need of criticism, and want to provide it for me. I believe you are not criticising my story, and are instead looking at it for what it is not, instead of what it doesn't have. I will be the first one to admit that my story is not a story. I did as much in the beginning of this conversation. What it is, is a scene. A scene in a character's life where they reminisce. And that's fine. That's how it was intended. But I feel as though you are completely disregarding those intentions in favor of "This is not a story therefore it is not a valid form of literature."
.Also, as a side note, I suppose I deserve some form of payback for assuming certain things as I did, however for you call into question my moral character and provide me with an ultimatum in such a way as to suggest that I will not amount to anything if I do not listen to you (Which I have made clear I am trying to do.) Is simply terrible. Whatever you think of me, I am not your enemy, and I don't want you to be mine. I hope I finally got you to see where I'm coming from. If not in the story, then as a writer.
10294010
I'm a little confused on this point. You're willing, except you are not willing? If you feel as though you cannot properly "convey the changes" (interesting word choice there) due to a lack of experience, how will you get that experience when you prefer not to bother with trying? Or is it just your self-professed laziness getting in the way? Believe me, I totally get that.
I find it curious that you interpret my criticism as "not criticism". I don't think I've ever been attacked (to speak metaphorically) from that angle before.
If you didn't intend for this to ever be a story, then why does the description say, and I quote, "This is her story."? That outright opens up the very misunderstanding that led me to my criticism in the first place. I don't disregard intentions, but I do need to know what those intentions are. You speak as though it should be obvious by how it is written, but I've seen far too many new writers make what they think is a story when it isn't. Intentions aren't always clear, and with this I couldn't tell if I was reading an intentionally flat factoid or an amateur effort at a gripping tale.
At any rate, now I do know your intentions, or at least have an idea of them. I find them... alien, I must admit. Still, now I'll know what I'm getting into when/if I get to the next one.