Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXI · 8:32pm Sep 24th, 2020
Alright, so I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Don’t worry, it’s only good and bad for me.
The good news is that I’m entering the home stretch in regards to reaching my RiL goals. When I first decided to start emptying out my list of stories for review, I had something along the lines of 900 stories on it. That was… two years ago? Maybe three? I don’t know, I’m not going back through my blogs to find out. Regardless, as of right now I’ve only got ~150 left. Great progress no matter how you slice it. The goal is to get it down to 25 or so. Once I do, these blogs will be reduced to only five stories a week, which should give me the time I need to start work on my own, non-FIMFiction blog.
The bad news is that the stories that remain are… problematic for this goal. At this point roughly 1/3 of all the stories in my RiL are 70,000 words or more. Another 1/3 are between 10,000 and 70,000. Because stories of these lengths tend to cause bottlenecks and threaten my schedule, I developed a means of limiting how many I review in a given blog. Which worked great for helping me stay ahead, but now is starting to bite me in the flank. If I’m going to get down to 25 in a reasonable timeframe, I need a solution.
With this in mind, a little over a month ago I completely rebuilt my Long Term schedule, the one that handles 70k+ stories, from scratch. The goal was to ensure that every blog has one of those stories. This is a big change from before, when I scheduled them in a hodgepodge fashion that was designed to prevent bottlenecks. That work has paid off: starting in mid-October, every blog all the way up to January of 2022 has at least one big story scheduled. Every. Blog.
There are some caveats. The most obvious one is that anyone desiring a review from me for a story over 70k words will have to wait until at least 2022. For really long stories (think 200k+), it may be even longer.
The second caveat is that, by default, I tend to only read 30,000 words a day. I do have a life outside of FIMFiction, after all. But to maintain this new schedule, I frequently will have to read three big stories at once. Three big stories at 10,000 words a day for each? That’s not leaving any room for the short and medium-length stories. The bottleneck problem is back. In fact, there’s a long period like this going through all of January and February.
For the moment, I’m hoping the 12-week lead I currently have will be enough to let me get through the January-February period, after which things will get a bit easier. If not, I’ve resigned myself to reading more material than I normally would until that hump is hurdled.
Alright, enough of my piteous whining and moaning. We’ve got reviews to get to.
Stories for This Week:
To Thaw a Frozen Heart by itsyaboiross
Dear Princess Celestia... Signed, Rainbow Dash by AJtheRaven
16 Ways to Kiss Your Girlfriend by carcinoGenesis
I'm So Sorry! by RhetCon
Change by BleedingRaindrops
Cutie Mark Crusaders: Truth or Dare by ScriptScrolls
Readable Teaser by SamRose
The Titan's Orb by Old Man Dusters
Hot Cocoa is Illegal in Yakyakistan by Jack of a Few Trades
Rendezvous with a Batpony by Gulheru
Total Word Count: 229,634
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 4
None: 0
To Thaw a Frozen Heart
4,021 Words
By itsyaboiross
Sunset Shimmer wakes up in the middle of the night to find Adagio hurt outside her apartment. The siren vehemently rejects her help. Even so, this is only the first of their many meetings after the Battle of the Bands. Maybe, eventually, if she can conjure up the courage, Sunset can apologize for what happened at the battle.
This is a brief SunDagio story, and little more. I happen to like the SunDagio ship, so this earns no complaints from me. What is curious about it is how much time passes in such a short story. A full year of time in just 4k words? Yeesh, rushing things a bit there, aren’t you, author?
In itsyaboiross’s defense, what little we get to see is pretty good. We watch as Sunset gradually ingratiates herself to and becomes friends with the Dazzlings, to the point they’re practically family. As fast-paced as the whole story is, it doesn’t feel fast-paced, which is a great thing. I was especially fond of how, of all the potential people to do it, it’s Aria who ends up giving Sunset words of wisdom at the end.
That’s where the problem lies too, though. The story gives us a very brief glimpse into who the Sirens are; Aria’s work ethic and artistry, Sonata’s cooking talent, Adagio’s love for bad television. These are snippets. Mere glances. To really make a story like this glow, I want more than that. I want to know the Sirens. Not just them, but Sunset as well. As things stand, this is just your traditional, quick romance fix. From what I’ve seen, it’s entirely possible this author could have done so much more. The lack of ambition on display is… disappointing.
But for what we do get, I am pleased. It’s a warmhearted story with characters who are fairly interesting for all their brevity. I aim to check out more of this author’s works in time, just to see if they have anything more ambitious.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Dear Princess Celestia... Signed, Rainbow Dash
8,465 Words
By AJtheRaven
For the first time in what may be centuries, Celestia has decided to take an unscheduled day off. To achieve this, she pretends to be sick and has Luna take over all her responsibilities. When a day of being idle gets boring, Celestia finds something to deal with that: letters from Rainbow Dash. Apparently, she and Rainbow had been exchanging letters for the better part of four years.
That summary might make you think this is a story about Celestia forming some kind of relationship or, at the very least, learning something from Rainbow Dash. If you read the (significantly) overdetailed story description, you might think similarly. So imagine my surprise when the story pulls a one-eighty and instead becomes about the marriage of Rainbow Dash and Applejack. No, really, that’s it, there is nothing else. Even Celestia being the ‘protagonist’ and the general voice of the narrative serves no purpose; this story could have had any of Rainbow’s and AJ’s friends and family as the narrative voice and nothing would have changed. I can’t help but think the only reason AJtheRaven chose this specific perspective was so that they could throw in numerous jokes at the princesses’ expense.
On the one hand, I’m disappointed. The story description suggests there might be a reason for this story being from Celestia’s perspective, but there is none. In the end it is nothing but a long, drawn out description of Rainbow’s and Applejack’s wedding. Seriously, wedding stories are among the easiest things for a romance writer to create. They practically write themselves and they’re all identical. I just couldn’t get excited over it. To me, the wedding scene is the most boring of all the genre’s clichés,and it’s a shame this devolved into that instead of something that could have provided Celestia and/or the audience with an important lesson or discovery.
On the other hand, AJtheRaven does about as well as could be expected with such a common premise. There’s some curious worldbuilding bits (some of which make no sense whatsoever), and the entire wedding is nicely detailed. The narrative style is far too extrapolative to garner anything resembling emotional output for me, but I appreciate the amount of detail the author devoted to it.
In the end, this will appeal to the hopeless romantics among us and probably nobody else. If you’re not here for a wedding scene, walk away. If you, like me, thought this might be a seminal work in which Celestia and Rainbow Dash learn and grow in some way through a letter or letters, you will be very disappointed.
But if you’re after some AppleDash, jump in and savor.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
16 Ways to Kiss Your Girlfriend
4,214 Words
By carcinoGenesis
Lies. Lies and deception!
The cover art, the title, and the story’s description suggest this will be a silly little romance about Rarity wanting to try out a bunch of kisses with Applejack. Instead, we spend roughly 2/3 of the story being about how Applejack keeps having nightmares about her parents' deaths, which was apparently quite a gorey spectacle.
I wouldn’t blame anyone for turning around and abandoning this story after a couple paragraphs while grumbling about false advertising.
But wait! Before we start the story, carcinoGenesis decides to give us a massive Author’s Note explaining the nonsensical AU this story is set in. And I do mean nonsensical; I can’t imagine how the author came to these conclusions and thought they made any sense whatsoever. Regardless, if you feel like you need to start your story by explaining a bunch of stuff unrelated to said story, something is very wrong. When you read the story, you soon realize none of the information was needed.
I wouldn’t blame anyone for turning around and abandoning this story after a couple paragraphs of the Author’s Notes while grumbling about having to read a damn encyclopedia.
We were promised a fluffy story in which the OTP get silly and romantic with one another, not some serious drama where Applejack is suffering a mental breakdown because her parents died years ago. Heck, the thing that was supposed to be the whole point of the story takes up barely a quarter of it! Top that off with some seriously odd interpretations of real life. I question if carcinoGenesis has ever even been on a college campus before. That comment about a twelve-year-old author writing a superior story to Fifty Shades of Grey might have been a meta moment.
This was, ultimately, little more than a disappointment. Next time, author, I strongly suggest you write the story that is advertised instead of a clickbait-and-switch.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
I'm So Sorry!
1,167 Words
By RhetCon
A certain young man with a love for animals has his eye on Sunset Shimmer. Which is unfortunate, because Fluttershy has her eye on him. Now Sunset finds herself caught in the crosshairs of the girl’s wrath.
It’s always the quiet ones.
Written entirely for a laugh, this story suggests Fluttershy is hardcore when it comes to matters of attraction. Hardcore as in “get away from my man or I will cut you, bitch”.
It was just a liiiiiittle too over the top for my approval, if I’m going to be honest, but I still found some humor in it. I’m sure a lot of Flutterfans will find it hilarious. I’ll put it on neutral ground, as I’m sure most people will enjoy it. I was just hoping for something more… y’know, cerebral. Had I gone in expecting this to be what it was, I probably would have gotten a lot more out of it.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Change
6,433 Words
By BleedingRaindrops
Twilight abandoned Ponyville. Discord suggests it’s time she comes home to visit.
Or: BleedingRaindrops makes the Mane 6 break up for the sake of having a Sad Story.
Not buying it. Not even remotely. I wasn’t surprised when the author added an author’s note at the end declaring this story is allegorical, because it makes no sense. I’m sure I was supposed to feel some kind of sadness about what’s going on, but it all felt so over the top and forced that I spent most of it wondering how anyone could buy this. Entire towns don’t die because one person left, and that’s just the most obvious bit of unrealistic this story has to offer.
So it makes the most sense that it’s allegorical, i.e. we shouldn’t take anything that the story is offering us as ‘real’. The moment you try to, it falls apart. Unfortunately, I’m having trouble disconnecting. Maybe if the author hadn’t set the fate of an entire town on the actions of a single pony, actions that had no bearing whatsoever on the survival of said town. Maybe if Twilight and her friends hadn’t essentially given up on friendship for no reason at all.
I just… can’t… connect with any of it.
Maybe if that had been set before, say, Season 3. Maybe if Twilight hadn’t already become the Princess of Friendship. Maybe if we’d been allowed to see the hows and whys of the Mane 6’s breakup instead of being given offhand hints. But we got none of that, and I am left unenthused and unbelieving. It’s one thing to want to write a sadfic, it’s another to do it when it makes no sense.
On the plus side, I do feel like BleedingRaindrops has a good handle on writing in general, particularly in regards to atmosphere and setting. Were I not so sidetracked by the logistics, I likely would have enjoyed this far more for the mood piece it is meant to be. If the author can focus a little more on having their stories be realistic (and could, you know, finish stories), they might end up one of the ones worth watching.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Cutie Mark Crusaders: Truth or Dare
2,900 Words
By ScriptScrolls
I was really hoping this would be something more mature than a CMC makeout session. So, naturally, that’s exactly what I got. This might even qualify as softcore pornography, depending upon your interpreation of hornjobs. Yes, I said hornjobs. That should tell you all you need to know.
This is a rather weak story in which the CMC all just so happen to be gay and decide to start ‘demonstrating their affections’ for one another, because that’s exactly what happens at these slumber parties, right? Throw in some half-baked attempts at dialogue to try and legitimize these events, some of which come out just plain terribly. To be fair, I should have known what this was going in, based both on my previous experience with this author’s works and the description. But darn it, I just had to give it a chance.
Want to watch three fillies suck face, give one another massages, and give hornjobs a chance? This might do it for you. Maybe. The rest of us should just move on.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Rainbow in the Dark — Worth It
Rebellion: Of Goddesses and Gallows — Incomplete
Readable Teaser
10,848 Words
By SamRose
Octavia Melody returns to her apartment in Manehattan after a long tour. But she soon finds that things aren’t… ‘normal’ in her home.
The title and many elements of this story are a direct reference to P.T. – or “Playable Teaser”. For those of you not into the horror genre of video games, P.T. was a short game created by Konami to act as the teaser for its latest planned Silent Hill game, simply called Silent Hills. P.T. has become something of a legend amongst fans of the franchise. Silent Hills was cancelled with the departure of Hideo Kojima from Kotaku. In one of the greatest disappointments in horror game history and a move that has been widely criticized, the company pulled P.T. from the Playstation 4 downloadable roster. Today the game can only be found on Playstation 4 consoles that had already downloaded the game. Supposedly, you can sell a console with the game on it for a huge profit – I did a quick search before reading this story and found one on sale for $1,000 on Ebay, though I’ve no idea if anyone would actually buy it for that price. Maybe I should keep an eye on it; who knows what my own copy could go for?
But I digress. R.T. is a story in the same spirit as P.T.: a brief prologue to an upcoming tale, in this case SamRose’s own Silent Ponyville 4. It is amusingly ironic to me that, just like Kotaku with Silent Hills, SamRose has cancelled Silent Ponyville 4. Perhaps the title was prophetic, too.
Most of the story involves Octavia trapped inside her apartment while strange happenings go on, from being stalked by a ghostly mare to shrieking foal heads to bloody, talking bags. A great many of the events are taken directly from the game, but SamRose impresses me by keeping just enough of the events original to make it not feel like a blatant ripoff. The one major catch in all of this is that the direct nature of the writing means I failed to gain any appreciation of the story’s mood until the climactic flight through the red hallway. Everything else felt like little to me beyond “stuff happened”. As creepy and dark as that stuff was, it wasn’t enough to affect an experienced horror aficionado such as myself.
It’s also clear to me that SamRose didn’t bother to edit the story before posting it. There are a number of issues with the writing, the kind that could make a professional editor tear their hair out. I got used to seeing the problems and looking past them after a while, but you need to be able to do that if you want to enjoy the story. Still, the quality of writing here is a phenomenal improvement compared to those of previous Silent Ponyville stories.
Overall, I approve. It’s a story that really makes me want to read Silent Ponyville 4, which is exactly the intent. Such a shame I never will. If you’re a Silent Hill fan, or just a Silent Ponyville fan, this will definitely work for you.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Something Happened — WHYRTY?
Emotions are Complicated — Pretty Good
Silent Ponyville — Needs Work
Silent Ponyville 2 — Needs Work
Silent Ponyville 3 — Needs Work
The Titan's Orb
169,819 Words
By Old Man Dusters
Requested by MikiStenbeck
Callum Horncastle is a down-on-his-luck guy with an abusive family and little hope for a meaningful future. Then the Mane 6 randomly appear in his backyard and tell him he’s their only hope for saving Equestria. As they do.
I am frustrated. I look at this young author, clearly new to the entire concept of writing and making the most common mistake a new writer can: their first story is an epic. I want to be encouraging to Old Man Dusters, who admits having conceptualized the story at a mere 14 years old and finished it (well, the first book of it) at 18. And I admit, that impresses me. Writing even a short story can be a challenge for people unaccustomed to the practice, and this guy produced a ~170,000-word one. Completed, with a clear plotline, and (if my investigation of the series is any indication) no intention of stopping. You have to admire the dedication. I also don’t think this is the author’s first attempt at writing, merely the first story on FIMFiction.
The problem is that the story is too – for lack of a better term – “teen” for me. There are a huge number of problems, the kind endemic to this variety of writer. At the risk of sounding condescending, this isn’t a story for anyone with a real appreciation of storytelling.
Where to begin? How about the fact that ponies are mostly useless? This is a Ponies-on-Earth story. They have flight and magic and special powers, and yet they do practically nothing of value. Oh, sure, Twilight casts a few helpful spells and Fluttershy is the obligatory medic. Other than that? Useless. They just stand back and watch the human do literally everything for them.
Compare that to our protagonist, Callum. This guy is a superhuman and can do no wrong. Never mind the lump sum of his life experiences include some boxing, some swimming, and the occasional hunting with an air rifle. In this story, that qualifies you for: leadership, emotional conditioning under extreme duress, recognition and usage of military-grade weaponry with zero training, being a crack shot, crocodile fighting (with the requisite skills required for cleaning the corpses), parkour, an awareness of the uses of alien magic, psychology, sprinting and racing in general, international history, singing, playing guitar, going one-on-two against trained mercenaries and drug lords, enduring several days of excrutiating torture with a smile, surviving normally lethal injury (repeatedly), cold-blooded murder, underwater combat, and anything else I’m surely forgetting (and I’m confident I am forgetting things). All of this at the age of 16. Forget being a hero, Callum is redefining the concept of Renaissance Man.
It was tempting to deny that he is a Gary Stu. In my mind, a Gary Stu requires that the character whine about having a crummy life when, in reality, their life is actually pretty good. And when the story starts, again, Callum’s got a terrible family, specifically a mother and a brother who don’t love him and constantly abuse him both physically and verbally. So I figured “Gary Stu” doesn’t qualify. Then we get to later in the story where we learn that, actually, Callum has several close friends who genuinely care and worry about him, including what appears to be a pretty cool godfather, plus he’s apparently not worried about money or food or shelter and has two cool pets he adores and oh, hey, his brother isn’t that bad and… Okay, yeah, Callum’s a Gary Stu.
He’s also got a really bad sense of morality. He talks about how terrible it is to kill, acts like actually doing it is a shock and horror upon his system. That shock doesn’t last very long at all. He recovers so quickly from having to kill, in fact, that I often called his supposed guilt into question. And then there’s a scene where his brother literally tries to cause people on a highway to get into a traffic accident on purpose and Callum thinks it is hilarious. Plus there’s the one occasion where he literally murders someone for no other reason than he saw the ponies. And the next minute he’s acting all tender towards Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash and claiming to be on the moral high ground. What is wrong with this kid? Is he a psychopath? Does he merely say what he thinks is necessary to make the ponies like him? Is that why he can see something trying to kill him and laugh at the fact?
No, Old Man Dusters, “you were in shock” is not even remotely a good excuse for unprovoked murder.
The plot is downright nonsense at times. Take at the beginning, when he decides that going on this adventure warrants faking his death. Why? To what purpose? Oh, you think you’re never going to come home again and don’t want your family of assholes to ‘worry’? I might actually believe that if you didn’t throw that entire premise away at the drop of a hat two thirds of the way through the story as though you never considered it a big deal to begin with. And that’s when we find out that, hey, this guy had some legit close friends whom he decided to mentally torture by faking his death. This is not a decision you back out of on a whim!
And this entire concept is ruined entirely by Callum’s decision to bring his cell phone with him, as if somehow it can’t be used to determine his location. “But Paul, why would they bother to do that if they’ve got his dead clone and think he’s legit gone forever?” Uh, because his phone is missing, so it may have been stolen by his murderer, so locating it would be priority number one for the authorities?
Then there’s the locale realism. When the story started, it felt as though Old Man Dusters planned on the ponies really being on Earth and that this story would follow a realistic direction of what that might entail. I was cool with that, even if I thought this guy was bat-shit insane for dropping everything to go on on this adventure without considering such real-world problems as, you know, financing. In fact, he jumps straight to being a criminal without so much as a “maybe there are better ways to do this”.
Then we’re in Brazil and being attacked by a drug cartel. Which, you know, I’m still okay with. This isn’t anything too crazy. A little contrived, sure, but what story isn’t?
Aaand now we’re in Chernobyl. Facing zombies. You read that right, zombies. And not just any zombies; Old Man Dusters is openly stealing enemies, concepts, and even gameplay mechanics from games like Fallout, The Last of Us, Left 4 Dead, and Dying Light. I’m sorry, author, I thought we were involved in a serious story with real-world consequences. No, these blatant rip-offs don’t make your story “cool”, and anyone with a shred of literary maturity will roll their eyes and put the book down then and there. The only reason I didn’t is in loyalty to my rule of always finishing what I start.
Oh, and regarding Callum’s superhuman status: there’s a scene where Twilight, in a rare moment of usefulness, casts a spell to protect Callum from the huge amounts of radiation that don’t really exist in Chernobyl anymore but it’s a story so shut up. She warns that even so much as getting a scratch will break the spell. So you mean to tell me that Callum can go hand-to-hand with zombies and other creatures, some of which he pins down and are clawing at his arms, body-slam locked doors, perform parkour, and cross an entire embattled city without so much as a scratch? What, is the guy’s skin laced with adamantium?
We’re not done. Callum has discovered the miracle solution to becoming a ripped muscle man: torture and starvation. The events of this story last about three weeks. Old Man Dusters claims more than a month has passed by 2/3rds through the story, but if you actually pay attention to the time as it is passing then yeah, it’s only three weeks. Half of that time was spent in Brazil being tortured with drills, car batteries, razor blades, etc. or being bed-bound recovering from said torture with little food. Yet by the end of this story Callum has developed a ton of muscle mass and is sporting a six-pack. Does this author have any idea how the human body works?
Oh, yeah, and you can slice your tongue to shreds with a razor and it’ll heal completely in a couple days. A screwdriver can be driven through your hand with no permanent damage. Indeed, the injury is entirely forgotten before the week is out, like it never happened. Callum is literally Wolverine (Deadpool makes more sense in this case, actually). Plus he can undergo brutal torture at the hands of what amount to gleefully experienced professionals and face no resulting psychological trauma from it whatsoever, so his mind is made of steel too.
Did I mention he walks through a building full of zombies with a chainsaw? Apparently he’s immune to hoards. I question if Old Man Dusters has ever used a chainsaw before or is basing the whole concept off their depiction in video games. Having used multiple chainsaws with varying degrees of success, I’m pretty sure it’s that second one.
And the pictures. Oh, Luna, why? Stop with the pictures, author. They aren't helping. In most cases they're just getting in the way. We don't need to know what this fitness center that has absolutely nothing to do with anything pertinent to the overall story looks like, and we certainly don't need "photographic" evidence that you're blatantly stealing Volatiles from Dying Light. Your descriptions were just fine. No, really, this is an area you excel in, so stop cheapening it!
Do you see what I mean when I call this story “teen”? The only thing Old Man Dusters seems to think matters to make a story worthwhile is Ep1c Battulz!!1!! with ponies on the side. Forget realism in plot or the actual events, we don’t need any of that stuff. Give me zombie gore and driving like a five-year-old and laughing off gunshot wounds to the gut! Let’s not forget abusing pop culture references as though afraid they’ll go out of style tomorrow.
Meanwhile, I’m here at my desk in a state of perpetual exasperation. I haven’t even gotten started on the behavior of the ponies, particularly Twilight’s non-stop OOC nature that has no real reason to exist. Sure, Old Man Dusters tried to give us one, but all it told me was that the author doesn’t understand Twilight Sparkle as an individual.
But hey, everyone has their own sense of taste. I’m sure there are plenty of people who read this and don’t bother looking past the video-gamey fighting and Gary Stu protagonist. The fact that the story has an 88% positive rating and was requested for review means there’s definitely an audience for this kind of thing. And who am I to tell them they can’t enjoy it?
I think I’d have appreciated this more if I’d had the sense that the author was actively trying to make a story that is, for lack of a better descriptor, immature. I’ve seen authors write blatantly silly and unrealistic stories for the sake of taking a break from the more serious stuff, and I can understand that. But it’s clear to me that Old Man Dusters isn’t doing that.
And that’s fine. No, really, it is. What do you people think I was writing when I first started, long before FIMFiction was a thing? Much cringe, believe you me. This is something akin to a first stage, where a new author is stretching their muscles and learning what to do. And Old Man Dusters does have some skill as a writer. You have to look past what he’s writing to see it, but it’s there. Given time, practice, and a healthy dose of harsh criticism, this may be someone with a bright literary future. I genuinely hope that is the case.
On top of that, this story has apparently already undergone one significant “remastering”, with lots of “fixes”. The author missed a ton of things; they really need to learn the proper usage of commas and there are homophones all over the place, just for example. But they tried, and that means they are aware of the need to improve. Good signs.
To be frank, The Titan’s Orb annoyed me more than anything, and I won’t be rating it highly. I just couldn’t get over the main character’s nonstop Gary Stu-ness and how ridiculous the events were. But I know talent when I see it, and I believe there’s a reason the story has done as well as it has. I have nothing but hope for this author’s future.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Hot Cocoa is Illegal in Yakyakistan
9,555 Words
By Jack of a Few Trades
Requested by Jack of a Few Trades
Sandbar introduces Yona to hot chocolate, and she concludes it is the single best drink ever made! Perhaps ponies can do something better than yaks. Eager to share this new discovery, she sends some home to Yakyakistan. She has no idea the chaos about to unfold…
I am entertained. The story takes a little while to build up to its purpose, but once it gets there it becomes a wild ride. I love that JoaFT wrote the majority of the story from Yona’s perspective, although their narrative voice is a bit off at times. As little interest as I have in the Young 6, it’s undeniably entertaining seeing how Yona views the world, inaccuracies and misinterpretations aplenty. I also appreciate that Gallus accompanies her on the adventure; of all the Young 6, he’s the one I enjoy the most. Watching him trying to price gouge yaks despite Yona’s critical glare was highly amusing.
I’m afraid I don’t have much else to say. The story is well-written, direct in its nature, and does everything it aims to do. Normally I’d try to pick out something I didn’t like or which may bring a pause from potential readers, but I’ve got nothing. A fun little Hearth’s Warming story, especially for fans of Yona, Gallus, and yaks in general.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Without Another Word — WHYRTY?
Hindsight — Pretty Good
Double — Worth It
It's Always Sunny In The Everfree — Worth It
Rendezvous with a Batpony
12,222 Words
By Gulheru
Sequel to Interview with a Batpony
A few months ago, Twilight got to interview a Noctral, or bat-pony, in order to learn a little about the reclusive species’ culture. Now, Princess Twilight Sparkle gets another chance to sit down with Midnight Wind, Ponyville’s own nocturnal resident, for a second interview.
Yet again, Gulheru focuses this entirely on worldbuilding, specifically in terms of expanding upon bat pony culture. We learn more about Midnight Wind, including his family and personal interests, while also exploring the Noctral’s religious and social norms ranging from funeral rights to marriages to how the society does (or doesn’t) handle criminal activities. And really, that’s all this is. If you’re hoping for great drama or something similar, you’ll be out of luck.
Worldbuilders will absolutely love this. Those who like bat ponies will almost certainly get something out of it. My only complaint is the epilogue, which touched upon something I had really hoped wouldn’t appear in this story. Given all we’ve been shown, it honestly makes little sense, and I find myself hoping the sequel reveals it to have been intended as a joke. It’s obvious, it’s easy, and it’s unoriginal. Still, I suppose I can’t blame the author for deciding upon the route, as the vast majority of the readership will probably eat it up while begging for more with big puppy eyes.
Regardless, I intend to keep an eye on the sequel. *sigh* Of course it’s a gargantuan, incomplete monstrosity of a story that will further annihilate my already vastly overloaded Long Story schedule whenever Gulheru finally decides to finish it.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Interview with a Batpony — Pretty Good!
Stories for Next Week:
The Flower Mare by Flammenwerfer
He'll Never Leave Me by Draconian Soul
Princess of Friendship by Bad Dragon
"Not So Vile a Sin" by Multiversecruise
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Every time I thought you were done pointing out things that had room for improvement in The Titan's Orb, you just kept going.
Hmm, that's one off my RIL. :)
In the distant future after the republic has been torn apart and America is no more, two, three years from now.
Flower Mare is an awesome story. Can't wait for that review.
Thank you for the review! But
We need to have a talk about this, Paul. I'm worried about you
ITT PaulAsaran call out my terribad story for being just as bad as I remember it. Goodnight everyone
5363463
And I didn't cover everything, not even close. The review was getting too long for that. But like I said in the review, even though the story is very... "new author", if you will, there's definitely some underlying talent in there. Once Old Man Dusters matures as a person and a writer, I think we'll see some good things out of them.
5363479
I have to wonder which one.
5363522
I don't know, maybe. Let's just hope otherwise?
On the other hand, maybe I'll be a feral ghoul by then.
5363692
*shrug* I don't see them as anything but a replacement Mane 6 'cause the writers weren't creative enough to keep making interesting material for the O.G. ponies. That or Hasbro wanted more toys to sell.
5363741
Yeah, sorry about that. You were such a frequent commenter in the past, I figured "hey, let's read one of Raindrops' stories!" I thought at the time that I'd be doing you a favor.
5363762
Titan's Orb. And in hindsight, I have to wonder why it was there in the first place. :B
5363765
Oh but they're more than that! The student six were a wonderful source of worldbuilding by giving us more solid, steady viewpoints into the other species and their kingdoms. Especially in Silverstream's case. Without her, there would be little to no lore of Mount Aris outside of the movie.
Plus 1 in 3 of them have beaks! I might be a little biased in that regard, but having regular representation of the other sapient species in this world was something we needed long before season 8. I'm thankful for what little of them we got, but man, there should have been more. I guess that's where fanfiction comes in?
5363900
Okay, fine, they've got worldbuilding going for them. But if that's all we've got, then I'm still yawning. As characters, most of them still don't interest me. I like Gallus in general and Ocellus has some points in her favor, but the rest don't draw me to them in any way, and even those two are little more than side-notes to my overarching view of the show.
Callum Horncastle here, author of the Titan's Orb.
I must say I am blown away at the time and dedication you've taken to reviewing my story.
Despite your ruthlessly harsh criticism, I am flattered by your praise and intend to use your summary to further improve upon the story.
8 years on from originally writing the story, I am still very much keen on the remaster you've mentioned, but I'd like to point out that I've not actually done any "significant" remastering at all, I've only touched chapters 1 to 5, so I've got a LONG way to go and your critical insight will very much help in that. For a couple years now I've wanted to polish over the realism and make Callum less of a Gary Stu, along with making the ponies more useful in terms of their gifts and such.
What I will say in my defence, is that despite its supposed unrealism, a LARGE quantity of Callum's attributes are genuine truth as the character is a literal self insert of myself; I had been boxing since 13 years old and was keenly into activities like swimming and parkour (start young ey?), along with my asperger's giving me a very analytical mindset, I'm very quick to process and adapt to changes of circumstance and can very quickly adjust to a new mindset if it's necessary. So in terms of killing and such, I reflect my actual way of thinking onto my character's quickness to adjust to becoming a killer.
As for Twilight's OOC nature, there is very much a reason for it.
This is both explained and resolved within the sequel story, "TTO: Rising Storm".
I had always intended for the reason behind Twilight's behaviour to remain a secret during the first entry of the story as to make for a more impacting and meaningful resolution in the sequel.
Once again, thank you so much for your review and I plan to use your criticism to better remaster the rest of the story as I slowly plod through it as the weeks go by.
Stay safe during these trying times!
- Callum
5364192
Oh. I saw the "remastered" blog and thought the changes were big. Eh, no matter,the fact you want to make changes in the first place is a good sign. And I'm glad you're taking my review positively. Making it a self-insert doesn't help your cause, but I certainly approve of any attempt to fix things up. That said, my usual suggestion is not to go back and fix things but to produce new things, improve, and then retry from scratch. I like to think of old material as evidence of how far we've evolved. Still, you do what you feel will serve your interests best.
I find it highly questionable that you'd know how you'd react to cold-clooded murder, unless, of course, you've actually done such a thing. Which I doubt. It's easy enough for us to say "this is what I'd do in X situation", but I find we tend to react to real-world situations in very different ways from what we imagined. That being said, if this is a blatant self-insert and you think Asperger's is a legitimate reason for Callum's behavior, it would be beneficial to mention it so that the reader has that lens to view through. I might have reacted differently to some elements of the story had I been aware of such a thing. Unless, that is, you're depicting Callum as not having your Asperger's.
Twilight gave a reason behind her OOC nature in Book I, unless she was lying about that. Not sure why she would, but you never know. Point is, given the reasoning she claimed in Book I, I can't see her behaving the way she did. Some caution, sure, but to turn into a Grade-A bitch? Absolutely not. Twilight can be focused and determined to a fault at times, but there's no evidence of her ever becoming... whatever this is supposed to be. I suppose that's subjective, so take it with a grain of salt.
Again, I'm glad you're taking all of this positively.
5364433
Thank you for your insightful reply,
I know a self-insert can be dangerous and I happily take that on the chin, the reason behind my choice of a self-insert is quite funny in fact, this story was originally meant to be my autobiography once upon a time.
I had written about four chapters and I realised how dull it truly was, I had recently grown fond of fanfictions and after some thought, I decided to adapt the writings into a fanfiction of my own and developed the story, I altered a few personal facts but decided to run with using myself as the character with the basis that it would help with realism as I'd be writing my character's genuine responses to situations.
Obviously I'm older now with a new mindset, which is why I very much want to comb over the whole story and rewrite plenty of things with a much better and more mature level of believability; a huge part being my character's reactions to subjects like killing.
I have reluctantly been a witness to a murder, a stabbing to be specific, so my writing back then was only the honest thoughts of an autistic 14-year-old processing such a thing.
And again, Twilight's extremely OOC character has a very legitimate reason for its presence, explained in the sequel.
Her given reason in Book 1 was about a tenth of the real reason.
Regardless, I do intend to tone it down a little in the earlier chapters to allow a better and more believable build-up.
Obviously it's never easy to read such raw criticism on something you've poured years of effort, thought and soul into, but I can either use it to improve my work, or just get salty about it, and I would like to choose the former.
In fact, you've actually motivated me to get back on with remastering the story as I've been sitting on it for ages, I've had a lot going on personally and have quite simply not taken the time out for it when it's actually something I've really been meaning to do.
In regard to this, I've already backed up the original writings, but my intention is still to improve upon this story as to attract new readers and give them a better, more believable story than my first readers have had.
Should you have the time, might I have for some pointers to the parts that need the most work?
While I plan to take it chapter by chapter, it would be helpful to have your critical insight on the bits requiring the most work.
5364583
An autobiography? Curious. I hope it doesn't legit involve car batteries, drills, and Deathclaws.
I kid, I kid. Anyway, I don't see how "remastering" the story will draw more readers. The story is released and complete. You're not releasing new chapters, and unpublishing > replublishing chapters is against site rules (if I recall correctly, feel free to fact check that). Nobody will ever know that you are making the fixes. Even if you blog about them, that only brings the attention of your present followers, not new ones, and the percentage of old readers that want to re-read old material is pretty low. Alternatively, if you produce new material after the remaster, you could draw in potential readers of the old stories simply on a basis of "I've seen what this guy can do, what else can I read by him?" Perhaps you could write short stories set in the same AU, thereby making people interested in the primary story?
The fact that you've devoted so much time to this is part of what gives me hope. But branching out just a little – writing short stories and competing in competitions, just for example – could draw more attention to you, which in turn could draw more attention to The Titan's Orb. Just something to think about.
I'm sorry to say that the kind of specific insight you're asking for would demand I go in and re-read the story, only this time taking notes about my thoughts for every scene. That would be... time-consuming. I have precious little time as it is and it's going to get worse soon (as the intro to this blog suggests). So I can't do that, at least not at the moment. So let me offer some suggestions now:
I think if I had to pin down any one thing as most important to change, it would be to not make Callum able to do literally anything he wants as if he was an expert at it from birth. Pick out a handful of things he's really good at – like, say, boxing, swimming, and parkour – and make everything else a challenge. Boxing doesn't mean you can one-on-two mercenaries in a knife fight. Being a good swimmer doesn't mean you can fight crocodiles. Make him more vulnerable so that real people aren't rolling their eyes at his godlike badassery. This will put a lot of things in your favor. It'll make the character more relatable. It will make the challenges more interesting, because the threat feels more realistic.
(Speaking of, I'd suggest doing a little research on the topics you are writing about; when I see Callum holding a crocodile's jaw open, I feel obligated to remind him that crocodiles have a biting force of ~22,000 N, so he can say goodbye to those arms. You don't have to go overboard or anything, just check to make sure that what you're saying is happening can, realistically, happen. Granted, you'll never be able to prove zombies are wandering Chernobyl. This is why I say you don't have to go overboard; some things readers just have to take at face value. But making sure that Callum's abilities fall into a realistic range would go a long way to making the story more acceptable to the readers who aren't looking for a Clark Kent in their protagonist.)
It would also give the ponies a lot more room to actually do things other than watch Callum solve all their problems like the Man of the House. Let Rainbow and Applejack join in the fights, give Rarity a chance to get her hooves dirty for the good of her friends, Give Fluttershy a chance to do more than apply bandages and hide. Heck, we've got Pinkie Pie! Let her do Pinkie things in ways that actually help; can you imagine the chaos she could wreak on that slave camp if she were just allowed to go nuts? As if a mere cage could ever contain her.
People aren't here to read about Callum Horncastle, main character or no. They're hear to read about ponies on Earth. So give them a chance to do things! Let them save Callum every now and then. They're supposed to be a team, not a bunch of useless girls swooning over the big, strong, handsome, musclular man. The last thing major fans of these characters – individually or as a whole – want to see is their beloved characters' talents and capabilities ignored or, worse, one-upped by a mere human (Did you know ponies can run up to 48 km/h? Rainbow Dash must be pretty slow if Callum can actually keep up with her!).
So yeah, that's my major suggestion. Make Callum less Goku and more John Doe. Give him a limited set of skills and let the ponies shore up his weaknesses. You'll solve a ton of problems with this alone.
5364583
I'd like to add a bit of advice of my own.
You say that the reason for Twilight's OOC behavior is given in book two. This is all well and good; nothing like a little mystery to keep things going. But you have to really be cautious with reveals like that.
I haven't read the fic myself, but a key part of properly setting up a reveal in a story—and this goes double for fanfiction—is convincing the reader that you're actually doing what you're doing on purpose. It doesn't matter how many times you tell someone "this is explained in the second act," if they don't trust that you're actually capable of providing a good explanation, then they'll just stop reading. Building this trust with the reader is the difference between a mystery and an oversight.
And in this case you have over 160k words to get through where you have to maintain that trust. Like PaulAsaran said, even though you've provided a reason for Twilight's behavior, he still doesn't believe it's justified. This means you need to give stronger hints that there is in fact an explanation to come, that you are aware that Twilight's behavior is off, and that you're not just some amateur that doesn't know how his main characters act. Even if your explanation for her behavior is perfectly compelling and believable, if her behavior makes all your readers drop the story before they get to that explanation, then all they'll know is "Twilight was out of character."
Just something to keep in mind. The more outlandish and hard to accept your mystery appears at first glance, the more work you need to put in to ensure that your readers actually perceive it as a mystery instead of a mistake.
And I'll back up PaulAsaran on the "avoid rewrites" policy. Remasters are for drafts, not published stories. You might be attached to your story now but you can't forget that ideas are cheap, quite easily the most disposable part of any given story. It's very likely that your effort be wasted on a remaster nobody will notice, and even then that remaster won't be as good as whatever you'd write next instead; at the fundamental level, it'll always be held back by the less experienced mind that conceived it. Move on and start with a fresh slate; I think you'll quickly find that you stop caring about an old story once you're in the groove of a newer, more interesting one.
That's all I got. Good luck with your writing.
5363767
Funny enough. I appreciate the thought 
for all my knowledge of writing and how to improve on a story, not a lot of my own stories hold up well to scrutiny.
Change is rather unique in that it was a bit of personal catharsis over what happened to a group of friends I used to hang out with. I interpreted it into the lives of characters I had come to love, as part of that catharsis, but it was never meant to be 100% consistent with show canon.
5365840
Heh. Quite the understatement.