Twilight Sparkle didn’t care about overseeing the Summer Sun Celebration in some podunk little town. She just wanted a chance to study the history of the Lunar Rebellions and maybe, just maybe, convince Celestia that her sister’s return was a real possibility. Now it’s a lot more than just a possibility, and one Canterlot egghead isn’t going to be able to take on Nightmare Moon and her army alone.
(Season 1, Episodes 1 and 2 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic rewritten and expanded as a mature fantasy adventure)
Chapters (14)
All I can say is REALLY good job on the first chapter. And, yeah, everybody is, thus far, remarkably in character (or, would be, if the show had a rating AND time constraint that would allow for greater detail on certain things). And, yeah, Twilight's reasons for NOT going to the press are pretty well thought out (as well as the reason she didn't go to Cadance for help). I DID like Twilight practicing her speech beforehand (as well as the detail of this being one of the few uncensored accounts that could be found AND her actually showing Spike some appreciation). And, yeah, here, Twilight ISN'T oblivious to the fact that Celestia has forgiven ponies who were nowhere near as close for far more disrespectful things than a semi-understandable outburst (under the circumstances), but still feels it's no excuse to be disrespectful to her, even VERY briefly.
So, yes, the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up are all wonderfully done in all the right places. I'll definitely be looking forward to more, but will also be respectful enough to acknowledge that real world concerns take top priority.
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Thanks, man. It gets a little slower from here as Twilight's investigation hits a few snags, but I'm glad you're enjoying the ride so far.
I wish my presentations went as well as Twilight's, though...
REALLY good job on the latest chapter and the author's notes. I have to admit that Twilight's first impressions of Ponyville made sense under the circumstances. I also loved seeing Pinkie guiding Twilight and Spike to City Hall and the first meetings with Rarity, Fluttershy and Applejack. And, yeah, Twilight probably has a point about being careful to only reveal certain details for the time being. I also have to admit, I got a decent laugh from Spike doing a retort to Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo concerning the latter two's questions (not that they have been named yet in this story, but pretty much any fan can recognize them reasonably quickly). And, yeah, makes good sense for Spike to be a teenager by pony standards, but looking younger because dragons age more slowly than ponies.
Anyway, excellent work on the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up in all the right places.
REALLY good job on this latest chapter. Again, the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-ups were all well done in all the right places.
I particularly liked Twilight going through the ruins (and the details found therein, which provide a couple more pieces to the puzzle, but leave more questions than answers for the time being), Fluttershy demonstrating that (at present) surprising knowledge of anatomy, Applejack actually talking Twilight into calling it a night on her exploring by pointing out the possibility of Timberwolves, Spike making the realizations concerning the patterns on the floor, the bits of character depth concerning Derpy, Twilight's first OFFICIAL meeting with Rainbow Dash, the good reasons Pinkie made for helping Twilight find a (as far as they know at the time) temporary home in the library and the Take That to the "Five Nights At Freddy's" franchise.
Sorry I took a while to get around to reviewing this chapter. But, once again, the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up are all well done.
I adored Twilight and Spike going through the research files and wondering about the possibility of converting the basement of the tree into a laboratory (the latter is, of course, excellent foreshadowing). Twilight's reactions to the series of reports was very understandable for her and wondering what happened to all those Lunar soldiers if they weren't executed and didn't commit suicide. And, I did like the background details of her thinking back to some of things she learned during her undergraduate studies.
This is very interesting so far, I look forward to seeing what happens next.
I like how you have handled Twilight and the mystery she is digging in to.
Keep up the good work
Celestia is a bit mean with that last letter. With how much Twilight looks up to her that could be crushing or completely break any trust . It will be interesting to see what Twilight does next
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Remember that last bit.
Really good job on this. Yeah, sorry I took a while to get around to reviewing this. Nothing to blame except self-admitted laziness. Anyway, the characterizations and future chapter set-up are, of course, quite well done. And yeah, I DID like how Twilight continued her research (especially her background checks on what we know to be her future friends). And, yeah, it's pretty clear (to us anyway) that Nightmare Moon is ALREADY back, overpowered Celestia and sent that fake letter at the end to throw Twilight off.
Anyway, on to the next chapter.
Yeah. I definitely liked Twilight's actually taking the time to genuinely bond a bit with her future friends (i.e. "pony-watching" with Fluttershy, playing a game of chance with Pinkie [and sharing a dialogue with the others as well] and acknowledging that Applejack had a point about the probability of Twilight's research getting sent to the archives AND the others have a point about how THEY helped with that research too. And yeah, Rainbow's comically missing the point concerning Twilight's concerns about the planned stunt with the pegasi and the fireworks was a really good detail too. And, as we already guessed, Nightmare Moon has just returned (as I said in my review last chapter, it's pretty clear that letter HAD to be a fake.
At any rate, really good job on the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up in all the right places.
A most promising beginning. As advertised, the story is not so much a re-imagining or critique, but a more richly developed version of the original Friendship is Magic. Your academic chops are clearly evident and perfectly suitable for a story centered around Twilight Sparkle. Even though we know what's going to happen in the broad strokes, your story builds enough on the original that we don't know exactly how or why it will happen, which is key to holding the reader's attention.
Honestly, throughout chapter 2 & 3 I've not seen all that much to fault with Twilight's behaviour. Certainly nowhere near the point that I'd describe her as an "arrogant prick". Mildly dismissive, at worst. As a result, Applejack, Fluttershy and Pinkie's passive aggressive (with emphasis on "aggressive") jabs at her personality feel quite incongruous. If anything she remains impressively courteous after the day she's had.
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It's interesting that you say that when other people have said that Twilight is TOO arrogant and aggressive in Ponyville. I don't really think either interpretation is more inherently valid than any other, but I do think it's kind of neat how many different interpretations of the same character can exist simultaneously.
Hey there. Thanks very much for getting this next chapter up. I really appreciate you going to the effort. It took a while, but was definitely worth the wait. The exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up were all well done in all the right places. Yeah, the assessment of the situation in Ponyville was appropriately bad, but the details concerning Twilight and her future friends all at least trying to help the injured as well as the efforts Spike is going to in order to avoid getting spotted are well done. That Orwellian Edit that Nightmare Moon did to Twilight's letter to Shining is a good indication of just how powerful AND how clever she actually is, though Shining is JUST smart enough to STILL be worried.
At any rate, very definitely looking forward to more of this.
All I can say is great job on this latest chapter. The exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up are well done in all the right places. Yeah, I loved seeing Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity and Pinkie explaining certain things to the Lunar Guards (mostly about how things have changed in 1000 years). And, yeah, Applejack's got a pretty good point about how the Lunar Guards, at least right now, are still in the mode of not trying to spook those they are trying to get the cooperation of, but how it would probably be advisable to prepare for things to get a lot rougher sooner rather than later and I DID like that one Lunar Guard's "Actually Kind Of Funny" reaction to Pinkie's "suggestion" about digging up Idle Rich's corpse and taking their frustrations out on it..
VERY certainly looking forward to more of this.
Excellent job on this latest chapter. Love the work that went into the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up in all the right places.
I especially liked Twilight NOT being fooled by that "fake Shining Armor letter" as well as the rest of the Mane Six sticking up for Twilight against that angry mob (particularly going from shaming them to actually making a few of them laugh), the actually rational reason for Pinkie and Spike finding that actually helpful version of the reference guide, Twilight and the others acknowledging that they are on their own here, the rest of the Mane Six providing perfectly valid reasons for going on the journey and the actually rational reason for Spike NOT going with them into the forest.
Anyway, very certainly looking forward to more of this.
REALLY good job on this latest chapter. Once again, the exchanges, action, characterizations and future chapter set-up are all well done in all the right places. The fight between Rainbow Dash and Vortex (as well as some of Vortex's allies) was especially well done (particularly the detail of that "precaution" Twilight insisted on, but Rainbow mostly tuned out), as well as the details concerning the illusions that Pinkie and Applejack saw through (in the latter case it was because Nightmare Moon did TOO GOOD a job on the revenant).
And, well, assuming most of the more brutal stuff is going to be either illusions or against opponents that are already dead, I would say a Teen rating should still be enough, but I'll respect you're using your own judgement).
But, anyway, I'll definitely be looking forward to more of this.
Holy moley. That was one heck of a great chapter. The exchanges, characterizations, action and future chapter set-up are all well down in all the right places. I especially liked Rainbow's rescue, the fight with Rain Chaser, Smoky Mirror and Vortex (particularly the "several different points of view" in said fight), Twilight's shock concerning the stuff the Lunars were told about the Solars (and her admission that the Solars were JUST AS wrong about the Lunars in some ways), Twilight using a low level sleeping spell on the Lunars to keep them from following the Mane Six without seriously hurting them and the mention of how raising and controlling all those dead has wreaked massive havok on Luna/Nightmare Moon's sanity.
VERY certainly looking forward to more of this.
Excellent job on the exchanges, characterizations, action and future chapter set-up in all the right places. I absolutely loved the added details in the Manticore test as well as Rainbow's fight with Vortex and Rarity's sacrificing something she valued a great deal to save Twilight. And, yeah, Nightmare Moon's attempts to put those images in Twilight's mind to break her WAS a pretty clever move, as was Twilight keeping Nightmare Moon talking long enough for the others to show up. We already have a good general idea of how the next chapter is going to go, but it's going to be the added details that will be interesting to see.
Yeah, have a hunch the next chapter is probably going to be either the last or second-to-last (if there is an epilogue included).
But, anyway, very definitely looking forward to the next chapter.
Well, looks like Spike managed to get through and get the message to Shining and his troops. And, yeah, absolutely LOVED seeing the guards taking care of business while Twilight and her new friends were keeping Nightmare Moon herself busy (like Twilight figured out herself, without Nightmare Moon backing up her forces, those aforementioned forces are badly outnumbered and underequipped against the more modern military). And, yeah, good reasoning for the "Commander = Commander in Chief" deal in the author's notes.
Wonderful job on the exchanges, characterizations, action and future chapter set-up in all the right places here.
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Yeah, I wanted to give some of the regular ponies doing their jobs a chance to shine here. I have no problem with adding OCs to Mane Six stories, but they need time and space to develop into proper characters.
10255541
Point EXTREMELY well taken. And, now, on to your final chapter.
Wonderfully done epilogue chapter. LOVE all the work that went into the exchanges, characterizations and future story set-up in all the right places. I ESPECIALLY loved Twi's new friends getting to meet Shiny MONTHS sooner than in canon, the bits of dialogue between not just Twilight and Celestia (including the explanation concerning Celly's behavior, Celly admitting MOST of the stuff Nightmare Moon/Luna told Twilight was true [but NOT ALL OF IT] and the stuff about the Council) but also Twilight's new friends, the future Cutie Mark Crusaders, and Twilight and Spike (i.e. Twilight's points concerning redemption; which is probably one of the reasons Twi has a habit of being so forgiving in all except the most absolutely extreme circumstances later on). I also really liked the logical modification for Twilight's extended stay in Ponyville.
VERY definitely going to be looking forward to more of this series.
I thought this was amazing. However, I'm still a little curious about the conditions created by the council that lead to the rebellion and how luna initially became the leader of the rebellion.
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I'd imagine Twilight is pretty curious about that too right now! Perhaps we will discover more as her research into the question progresses...
I see what you did there.
Are you going to make a series after this?
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I have every intention of doing so! I don't know quite what it will look like, since I'd like for there to be more of an arc planned out ahead of time than a show written in individual seasons could have, and will probably be condensing episodes, moving episodes around, and adding wholly original content, but it;s definitely going to happen!
in the rewritten chapter none of these reforms came from the lunar rebels.
unless i completely misread the chapter
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What would you suggest to make this more clear?
for a first time fimfic writer, this shit is the most real, logical, and detailed story that I have ever read
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Technically not my first fanfic. Just my first fanfic to ever get finished.
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does not matter to me
Reviewed!
HOW does such a great story have 33 likes? Frigging criminal.
A review to your story has been posted in the My Little Reviews & Feedback Group. I hope you find it helpful.
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Probably because I have zero idea how to properly categorize or tag things on this site and so nobody has ever seen it.
You can has review!
Ok, that trick with the text changing size as the illusions became more severe was magnificent!
Oh, every second of this was brilliant and this story is criminally unerappreciated. The worldbuilding is top notch, characters feel real and fleshed out, and yet its still recognizably the same FiM we all love.
Bravo.
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Yeah, sadly I don't use her as much as I probably should be cause she's really difficult to write, and I was really worried people wouldn't "get" a lot of the things she says. But I am actively looking for more chances to include her in the future.
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I'm glad you liked it; I was a little unsure of it at first. The change was also originally a lot more drastic and looked kind of weird. In the revision I scaled it back so that it wasn't immediately noticeable from step to step but when it reverts at the end it is noticeable. Originally, instead of size increasing, I wanted to have the text turn slightly more blue over the course of the scene, but I couldn't get it to work with the same degree of graduality using fimfiction's limited color palette and differing light/dark/custom modes.
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Awww, thanks! I'm currently about a third to halfway through Feeling Pinkie Keen Extended Cut and plan to just keep on going. I hope you enjoyed that as much as you enjoyed this. In particular, I think we'll be seeing progressively more of the Shadowbolts and other Night Guard as "ECeason 1" goes on.
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Oh, I've got episodes planned out all the way to Season 5.
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...I'm interested in reading these.
Should be Rain Chaser. Almost didn't notice, I was so engrossed in the story.
You know, I am amazed you could turn the series into something very mature whilst still accounting for necessary characterizations and continuity.
Do you want to start writing your own, publishable stories? I think this story could be remade into something original: a lot more excellent writers have gone online ever since Fifty Shades of Grey-which was originally Twilight Saga fan fiction-was published.
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I've considered it; the thing is I don't think I've ever had a genuinely original idea in my life and do better working off the work of others. Plus the whole "ponies" thing kind of ties it to MLP, to the point where it'd be really strange to replace them with The Tolkeinian Races or whatever.
There will be more Extended Cut coming in the nearish future, though, including additional side stories that are set in the same universe but are not episode rewrites.