Chapter Twenty-Three
Preparation
The day after their latest trip to Diagon Alley, the girls finally got around to showing Luna and the boys Parkour. Most of them had been quite reluctant to try it at first. Until, that is, Sunset switched from training to actually doing what she could, using an adaptation of earth pony magic to amplify her physical abilities.
The spell was a relatively simplistic replica of an actual earth pony's abilities and nowhere near as efficient, of course. Not to mention that her raw power, while exceptional for a unicorn, was at the lower end of the spectrum for earth ponies, the price unicorns paid for their magic's added versatility.
As such, she had been nowhere near the level of an actual earth pony, but she had gained strength, speed, agility and endurance in excess of any human.
Seeing her teleport a good thirty feet into the air and land safely had been quite inspiring and the boys had immediately asked to not only be included in their training, but to also be taught those spells. Even the normally sedate Percy had been impressed.
A week later, they sat in the orchard, once again practicing magic, reading books and generally preparing for school. Luna had joined in on their magic practice and Sunset had managed, somehow, to get a guidebook on shadow magic from Equestria. After teaching Luna contemporary Thessian – once more a simple matter of copying her own knowledge of the language into Luna's mind – the girl was often up at night, reading and practicing.
Ginny usually joined her brothers and Harry in their Quidditch practice, using Bill's broom while Harry used Charlie's. Still, it was an open secret that she couldn't wait to be able to transform and fly under her own power. Both her and Luna spent a good hour every day focusing their efforts to be able to transform.
She was, it turned out, a terror on the field, scoring more goals than Harry or Fred could, easily evading any bludgers George sent her way and flying circles around Ron. Literally on some occasions.
Only Harry could come close to matching her as a chaser, but it was clear that his real talent lay elsewhere.
Lying on the grass, Sunset watched the boys, Ginny and Luna try some of the more complex first year charms while she and Hermione were lying side by side, looking through Hogwarts – A History. After a while Harry came up to them.
"Okay, seriously, how are you two reading this fast? You barely look at a page for five seconds, how can you possibly read and understand everything that fast?"
Sunset smirked up at him. "Noticed that, have you? In short, photographic memory. We can recall everything we see. With a few seconds, we can recall enough details to simply read the actual text later."
Ron raised a skeptic eyebrow. "And you both have that? What are the odds?"
"That is rather unusual," Luna added, approaching silently.
"The odds aren't exactly important," Sunset pointed out, "we don't naturally have it. I gave it to us using a spell."
"Really?" Ginny came over as well, looking intrigued. "Can you do that for us, too?"
Sunset sat up and looked at the others that were now sitting in a semi-circle before them. She sighed. "I can. But I must warn you. It's not–" She cut off, staring off into the distance. "Hold on. I've got an idea. Maybe ... I'll be back." Before anyone could ask what she was on about, she vanished in a flash of teal.
Hermione sighed. "Oh dear. She has an idea." She turned back to the group. "I'm not entirely sure what she's up to now, but let me clarify. The spell she used on me hurt. Badly."
Ron looked at her hesitantly. "How bad does it hurt, really?"
"Bad. I haven't had a headache that bad any time before or after. The spell literally changes the brain structure. It takes about half a day before you can even think clearly again. It's not pleasant. At all. But once the actual spell is cast, the rest of the process is slightly less painful. Anyway, I think I should probably figure out what she's up to now. Good thing she was too distracted to mask her teleport."
Lighting her horn, she closed the book and vanished in a flash pale green without another word, leaving the others rather confused. Without much else to do, and unable to trace teleports as Hermione and Sunset could, they returned to the magic practice.
The two only returned late in the afternoon in a flash of flame, accompanied by Philomena. The others hadn't even noticed that Philomena had disappeared some time in the afternoon. Ginny was the first to speak up. "Where have you two been? It's been hours."
Sunset smiled a little sheepishly. "Well at first we only went back to the house to get some materials to plan a spell with, but then we needed some more things so we started by going back to Emma and Dan's place. Then we went to Diagon Alley to get some more materials and in the end we decided to talk to Princess Celestia. She was the one who originally invented the spell after all."
"And now we have a modified version," Hermione brightly added.
"And what's different about this one?" Fred asked. He and George had joined the others a few hours earlier and had been caught up on the matter of the memory spell in the meantime.
"Well it more or less does the same thing," Sunset explained, "but much slower. That way it should hardly hurt at all, maybe a bit of a headache on occasion. Of course that also means that it takes much longer to achieve the same effect. It'll take a few weeks instead of a few hours before its done, but you should start seeing the effects of it long before that, it'll just be a while before they fully manifest."
"And other than that it's the same spell?" Harry asked.
"It is, but as it is, casting it is more a matter of finesse, before it was more a matter of power. Now the tricky part is mainly to give it just enough power to work, but not so much that it works faster than intended."
"But you're sure you can do it?" Ron seemed a little skeptical.
"Yes, Ron, I'm sure. I know plenty of spells that are much harder to cast. Hmm, actually, some of those have a similar difficulty ... If I can repurpose a regulatory matrix from one of those I should ... Yes. That would make it much easier. Hold on." She stared off into space for a few moments as she did some mental calculations. "Yes. That works. I got this."
Hermione turned to Luna and the Weasleys. "But if we're going through with this, we should probably ask your parents for permission first." She chuckled quietly. "I know mine would have appreciated that."
"I don't think Daddy will mind," Luna idly observed. "But asking him first is probably better."
"Yeah," Ginny agreed, "Mum will probably want to know about this."
Getting Molly and Xenofilius to give their okay wasn't too difficult after Sunset and Hermione demonstrated the effects. Still, they had some questions. "So this won't harm them?"
"No. Don't worry. Hermione and I both have it and we're fine, aren't we? And that was the original version that was far less ... gentle."
"So it won't disrupt their days?"
"No. It's designed specifically to speed up while they sleep and slow down while they're awake."
"That part was my idea," Hermione happily chimed in."
"So it was," Sunset agreed with a chuckle.
Mrs. Weasley sighed. "Well alright then, go ahead."
Ginny took a deep breath and spoke up. "I'll go first."
With matters settled, the group moved to the living room and Ginny sat down in one of the armchairs. Sunset, meanwhile, shifted into pony form and jumped up on the table, lighting her horn.
For a good minute, very little happened. The unicorn sat on the table, breathing calmly, her eyes closed and her horn softly glowing. She had mentally gone over the spell while modifying it countless times, but this was her first time actually casting the new version. She had to make sure not to make mistakes.
She could always get faster later.
Finally, she opened her eyes and faced the girl before her. Entirely unlike the original version she had used on Hermione, the spell manifested as a cloud of teal light that flowed off her horn into the air and over to Ginny before seeping into her head.
Sunset was glad to see that Ginny's expression spoke of nothing more severe than mild discomfort. Once she was done casting, she replaced the spell with a specialized scanning spell designed to work with the conceptual magic the memory spell, both the original and the modified version, was based off.
She was glad to see that the spell was working as intended, though the actual changes it had made thus far were negligible. What was more important to her was that the magic had formed properly and was functioning as planned. "Good, that should do it. I'll need to check back in an hour or so to make sure the magic is stable. Assuming it is, I can take care of the rest of you then."
And so they waited, Hermione joined Sunset in assuming equine form and jumped up into Ginny's lap, successfully distracting her from her slight headache. Seeing how they had some time to kill, the boys went back out into the orchard to unwind from their afternoon of study by playing some Quidditch.
Noting that Luna wasn't straying from Ginny's side, Sunset hopped over into her lap, mirroring Hermione in Ginny's. Under the girls' gentle hands the two of them quickly dozed away and only woke up when Mrs. Weasley came to check back on them an hour later.
Seeing how the magic was still as stable as it had been an hour before and that the changes it was making seemed to be going to plan as well, Sunset cast the modified spell on Luna, only taking half a minute to prepare this time, while Hermione went out into the orchard to fetch the boys.
Before she could bring them back, Percy requested to have the spell cast on him as well. Mr. Lovegood and his mother, it seemed, had filled him in while she'd been asleep.
Half an hour later, she had finished casting the spell on the last of the boys. As she lay beside Hermione who had returned to pony form once she was back in the house, she thought about things. She was happy to see that Hermione was so comfortable with spending time as a pony. She wasn't exactly surprised, her sister had long since proved to have an open mind – part of what made such a talented magician – but it was nice to see regardless. Not to mention cuddly.
She thought back on her day. Modifying the spell had been a great deal of fun. The difference in time between Earth and Equestria had worked in her favor. Seeing how it was the late evening in Equestria, Princess Celestia had found time to help them with the modifications.
It had been fun to, once more, work on a complex spell with the princess. Just like old times. Despite the advanced subject material, Hermione had also kept up admirably well, even if she only understood the broadest strokes of what they were actually discussing. Her suggestion of making the speed at which the changes took place depend on whether the subject was awake or asleep had been brilliant.
It was a pity that they hadn't gotten to meet the Princess' new student. As it was it had already been past Twilight's bedtime.
As she thought back, one suggestion Celestia had made didn't let go of her though. "Why don't you show your new friends around Equestria? It should still be a few weeks before school starts, right?"
It was a good idea, but the planning was a bit trickier. She would have to coordinate with the adults at the very least. If at all possible she would like to keep it a surprise to the other kids. Looking at the time, she got up and returned to human form. Drawing her wand, a glance at Harry was enough to get the message across. He got up from the couch to stand beside her. A moment later the two of them were back in the small warded alleyway in Little Whinging.
After a hug goodbye, Sunset watched as Harry walked back off to the Dursleys'.
The Dursleys. There was another thing that needed to be addressed before her ideas even became an option. Deep in thought, she teleported back to the Burrow.
There were plans to make.
This is the same situation as the pony thing, everyone getting photographic memory. Honestly, pain isn't a good deterrence for something like that and in my opinion something like that shouldn't really be risk-free. I mean, there's no mention at all of the downsides of photographic memory let alone the huge risks involved in changing how your brain works.
But yeah, same problem as with everyone becoming ponies, everyone's getting photographic memory...
The tell/show ratio is too high in the latter half of this chapter. You repeat the same thing we already knew (the brain alteration is super painful but super useful) over and over for most of the chapter and then cram what could otherwise have been its own chapter into a couple paragraphs at the end.
The bit where Harry experienced pain worse than he'd ever felt before, then saying it wasn't the worst he'd ever felt, then getting immediate angry sympathy was honestly kind of crap. It doesn't add anything to anyone's character (we already knew this was one of the stock abused Harry AUs, and this moment doesn't convince anybody to do anything they weren't already planning on doing) and might even subtract from it (if this is a sign that he's going to lie to people for sympathy points, for example).
Assembling quite the team of wizards and witches, aren’t you, Sunset? I’m interested where this is going to go that this group of children won’t be able to curb-stomp anything in their way. I mean, you’ve already got six (soon to be nine) people with perfect recall who are able to cast human and equestrian magic, one shadow-caster and four animagus.
And I know the story is a “slow burn” but the only conflict so far in 58k+ words has been Draco, and he’s clearly not going to be seen as an issue by this group.
I... just... I'm sorry. Clearly this is not for me, if it's giving me this much of a headache. There's probably too much to write in a comment about my reasons, and I feel like it might sour some people. I might come back to the story later, when this slow feeding of powers and skills into the characters tappers down... but this just keeps pushing the wrong buttons for me.
Thanks for the story so far.
I give this chapter my
i.pinimg.com/originals/38/ca/2d/38ca2d3aa0b59fcf9592fc9642ffc13b.jpg
Wait, Equestria's Summer Sun Celebration, touted as Equestria's longest day of the year, falls on Earth's August 31st?
9548791
It happens to, in this case. The Equestrian and Earthen calendars don't perfectly align. The Equestrian year is slightly longer. (40 hours longer than an normal year on Earth, 16 longer than a leap-year)
9548798
Okay, makes sense. So, when was the last time Equestria's longest day and Earth's longest day lined up as best as possible?
A lot of people are discussing certain things. I will refrain from bringing up similar issues with this story, but rest assured there is a lingering similarity behind some of my reservations of this story.
Now, be that as it may, things are happening far too quickly in some areas that many folks seem to be ignoring.
Sunset trusts too easily. There is no rational or logical reason for Sunset to have revealed all of her secrets, her origins, or much of anything to half the people in this cross over. She should be absolutely more guarded. I know this is an AU so feel free to ignore this bit of criticism if you must, but I have to share my thoughts on the narrative as I see it.
Sunset is not being guarded in any sense of the word. She was expecting to visit the EQG world and was planning to take Philomena with her. She had passing knowledge of this thanks to her previous reading up, but the moment she stepped into the Granger household she just immediately sensed Hermione had magic potential, revealed all of her secrets to the family and didn't even think of running off to hide and get a better feel of the Dimension she was in before approaching them again to then discuss certain things, while perhaps keeping others secret.
I have no real problems with her arrogance in looking at the Human world's magic. She was arrogant and sure of herself originally hence why she broke off from Celestia because she felt it was holding her back. The problem is some of her reconciliation happened far too soon and her shift in attitude without first being exposed to anything on the level of the Elements of Harmony and seeing there could be a better way makes some of what she does in this story rather too close to how reformed Sunset would operate.
Again it is an AU so I don't expect it to remain anywhere close to what it should, but in most instances there should be more of a build up. More conflict. More emotional umph as it were for Sunset to try, fail and then perhaps learn how to succeed. But as others have noted this story treats Sunset as a Magical Prodigy on the levels of Dumbledore himself power wise.
It lacks proper gravitas. Sunset is introduced to Parkour and takes to it like a duck to water. Never mind that she should be struggling in how to use her new alien body. All of this is glossed over. There is no body control issues, no sense of alieness as she first discovers herself in a bipedal form and certainly no real struggle to master the act of sport known as Parkour. All of that is put off screen as it were and we are left seeing only Sunset as a complete success. No struggles. No issues. No mental problems developing. Nothing. Oh and on top of that she can transmogrify herself into her native Unicorn form. Why? No seriously, Why is she capable of wilfully changing forms? I understand how Animagi work, but there is no sense of her slowly realizing that with her magic she should be capable of assuming an animal form.
And another thing, why the heck is Sunset the size of a foal or house cat? I mean most adult ponies granted probably aren't that tall compared to humans, but Sunset should not be the size of the CMC in this story. Leastwise I feel it's a cop out to pull that stunt, especially considering Sunset's age in cannon would put her well past that point when she first flees into the EQG world. All depictions of Sunset in the B Cannon that is the comics show her as Celestia's pupil while she has already grown out of foalhood. Even they did not try to make her seem smaller than she should be for her age, especially considering the Fall of Sunset Shimmer shows her in an eleven year old (presumably) human body after slipping through the mirror and her pony form was definitely closer to the Mane 6 in age size wise from Season One compared to the CMC.
Honestly I find all of these decisions to be all too common. And while I continue to read Magic School Days because I'm stubborn. Here I'm wavering on my continued interest in this tale. It doesn't quite flow very well and words are missing or misused. For one thing I'm not sure if it is the narrative style or what, but when you say someone is sat oning the couch you are grammatically incorrect. You sit on couch or a chair or a broom. To sit, he sits, she sits. Sat on is, to my recollect, past tense. I sat on the sofa, she sat on the sofa, if you are describing the action of somebody doing something you must keep your tenses properly. I do not say To Sat On because that just isn't proper. I've noticed it here a lot more than I seem to recall seeing it in If Wishes were Ponies where I believe I first noticed this peculiar use of improper tenses.
Mentally I can parse what the meaning is as I'm reading, but not everybody will and it can be extremely confusing when you jump between present and past tense in a sentence.
This story showed great promise, but it has not earned much of that promise to the current point. It has glossed over important details in favor of painting Sunset as the embodiment of supreme perfection, much to the detriment of the story concept itself.
Also, if you're messing with Harry's mind in this chapter why the devil don't you do something about the fact that he has a fragment of a soul stuck to his head dangerously close to his mind capable of sharing a link with said mind? There is no relative mention of this at all and I can't help feeling that using the perfect memory augmentation spell on the living Horcrux which is Harry should have had much different and hazardous results compared to what we saw here.
9548822
I could calculate that ... hold on ...
The summer solstice happens on June 20 or 21, if it aligned with August 31 in 1991, it would be some time in the early 1940s
9548847
I agree with some of this, but if you pay attention in the first EQG, the three Fall Formal pictures show Sunset's fall from grace. The first picture shows "I won?" With Sunset being surprised. The second shows her being slightly more arrogant, while the shird shows her having become drunk with power. Even then, at the end, having acquired the Element of Magic, upon putting it on, if you pay attention to Sunset, you can tell that what the Element is doing to her is nowhere near what she wanted. First she tries to take it off in shock, then she cries heavily, finally, her mouth is open in a silent scream of pain. At the end, the Elements may have cured her, but she already knew how badly she screwed up before then. Besides, she was secretive in EQG because that world had no magic.
Here, having found out that there is magic on the Earth she went to, meant she thought she could be more open, so she was. And it helped her immensely. She was able to discover the Magic of Friendship, possibly accidentally, and it has helped her, too.
Hmm ok, this bit at the end, where Sunset hints at a hidden agenda? That's the best thing that happened to the story since she met other wizards.
While she was with Hermione she was just a dangerous prodigy with a penchant for pranks. Then she became Santa Sunset, giver of magical gifts - a bad move in the story when it seemed to be just from the goodness of her heart. It might establish character, but goddamn it's boring to read ten thousand words of "Sunset is OP and nice".
Now, though? Now it seems she might have ulterior motives. And those make it possibly interesting. Why would such a genius want to turn the witch family she just met in magical powerhouses? Why turn more and more humans into ponies? What's her goal?
She might be a eleven year old, but she's a cunning one that learnt under an immoral sovereign, one that now has a stable emotional base to work with.
Just how far will Sunset go?
Just please don't tell us it's a end-of-vacation trip, that'd ruin it completely
9548879
So being a human for thirty moons turned her into a power crazed mad mare? I'm pretty sure those images only show how manipulative Sunset was from day one. She posed for the first picture to show she hadn't expected it, when its clear from The Fall of Sunset Shimmer in the comics that she engineered all of her successes. So by the time round three came along to claim her victory she did not need to hide her true self from everyone, they already knew how controlling and manipulative she was.
Be that as it may, this is still an AU and it still has issues. Sunset learns about the 'Magic of Friendship' by being more open with people she barely knows? Come off it, she should have still started out guarded, secretive and unsure of herself because SHE HAD NO IDEA WHERE SHE WAS! This wasn't EQG world and her convenient plot armor that had her start to turn over a new leaf almost immediately because, oh hey, I'm super gifted and can sense your daughter has magical powers, is just far too convenient to completely allow for suspension of disbelief.
Even if Wishes Were Ponies had Harry start off secretive and hesitant to reveal everything about his world to the ponies when he crossed over because he knew it wasn't the best idea to just start blabbing to everybody under the sun. Heck I'm surprised the Grangers didn't immediately call a mental asylum for Sunset and pass off the coming out of a mirror thing as complete bollox.
Everything at the start of this was just too convenient to be believed, one coincidence after another, and it's poor set up to simply push everybody into place without establishing character traits and personality for the reading audience. You have to show the progression of the character, not simply tell them how it is. It's a very poor method of storytelling. One we all have to work our way out of the habit of doing when we first start out as fanfic authors.
Sadly, I think this is where I get off. This was an interesting idea, but I fear it has failed to execute.
A story like this thrives on character growth. The account of how a person goes from one state of mind to another. Long Road to Friendship, for instance, is a fine example of this concept, depicting Sunset's journey from a angry, spiteful woman to someone who deeply cares for her friends.
Your Sunset hasn't grown, she's been effectively perfect since day one, with her only real flaw being a generous touch of smugness. Achievement needs challenge, we become greater by overcoming the obstacles in our lives. Sunset has had no challenges, everything simply falls into her lap, robbing her of the dignity inherent in earned excellence.
If there is nothing compelling about the character, how can the rest of the story prosper?
9548886 wrote : "Why would such a genius want to turn the witch family she just met in magical powerhouses? Why turn more and more humans into ponies? What's her goal?"
Isn't it obvious? At least to me it is. Sunset wants to go all 'Conversion Bureau' on humanity. Only without the mind-destorying, permanent-shapechange, enslaving thing of the original 'Conversion Bureau'.
And then... When all the humans are magical, and ponies... Slam the worlds together to create a new one.
Well...
That's how I would do it then.
Sadly I'm going to have to agree with many similar commenters. This story was promising and had a lot of potential but right now it just doesn't seem to be there. I could buy that sunset would be relatively OP what with her having been Celestia's personal student but still, she's just too good and succeeds at everything she sets out to do. There's no tensions, no challenges to overcome for her. Even her character arc seems to be absent as she lacks any of the issues and flaws that led her to leave i nthe first place. The reconciliation with Celestia happened all too soon IMO, since her lingering issues with her are a big part of her character growth. I'll try and keep up with this for at least a couple more chapters, but the way this has been going for a while now doesn't give me a lot of hope.
So... I have a little doubt
Does this not contradict each other?
Heheh… Winsome Falls ought to be an eye opener.
Yeah, she's OP, but I like that kind of story. Just a fun power fantasy of a character walking around turning the setting into her plaything.
Not every fanfiction has to have follow the conventions of writing regular stories, sometimes they can just be fun.
What gives there was daily uploads the pacing was decent and not super slow or fast and then a hiatus with no explanation what so ever I understand life and things happen but come on
9551933
Read the description. The explanation isn't exactly hidden.
9551974
I do the judge a book by its cover descriptions are spoilers to me so I ignore them
9551974
Oh and ps tell them leave if they don't like it cause the story is good as is they just mad because you are using her background accordingly like any intelligent story writer
Very sad, I really liked your story. Rabied fans can be the rudest group on the planet. Personally, if I was writing anything at all, Potter related, I wouldn't read the comments at all, its just asking for headaches. Besides, its your world, write whatever the heck you want. Screw the fans
The Monk.
I didn't even see this part. I always laugh my ass off when I read "OverPowered" about a fan work for MLP. Anyone bitching about a fan character in a world that has Discord, Celestia, Luna, Twilight Sparkle, and Starlight Glimmeris an idiot. These are all god level characters. Hell Celestia can beat you to death with the sun. She could literally beat you to death with the SUN!
Sunset Shimmer is not over powered. Your just dealing with an idiot.
I really hope you can see it clear to continue this great story soon.
Monk
9552944
It’s not very smart to just off-handedly dismiss criticism, ‘specially when there’s a lot of it all focused on one issue. All of those characters you mentioned are adults. Sunset’s not even an adult by Equestrian standards. It’s not even her power that bothers me. It was her attitude and reactions. She anticipates everything. She’s two steps ahead of Dumbledore at every turn. She faces down issues with a detached calm You only find in veteran mercenaries. That’s what bothers me about her. Her attitude and foreknowledge is all encompassing.
9553437
I can see your point. And after listening too your comment, I can understand why she seems a little to "On the Ball" for a kid. It didn't really stand out to me, as I was listening to the story. I guess for me, I expect Sunset to be unusually sharp and observant. Celestia didn't pick just any schmuck off the street to "personally train" them. Im undecided if she seems to calm. Im going to have to re listen to this now, to give a more thought out opinion on that aspect.
BTW, I re listened to Your Substitute Demon story last week. Its still a great piece of fiction.
The Monk
“To say that Twilight Sparkle went bugfuck would be like saying the Incredible Hulk had some mild anger management issues.” -DustTraveller
9553463
I don’t expect you to agree with me but I do ask you to keep in mind where a critique is coming from. I don’t say this because I want the author to die in a fire. The opposite. I’m losing interest because I don’t think there will be any challenge for the heroes. If there’s no challenge it can be a slice of life, which is fine(I still read magic school days and if wishes were ponies), but that requires a different take. You need to do stories about the characters that will entertain the audience. Harry Potter is an adventure story, so trying to follow the same line with a character that negates any danger makes it boring.
It saddens me that you felt you needed a hiatus, but I can understand where you're coming from. Take your week, decompress, keep your muse alive, and hopefully get back into it. I've been enjoying the story immensely, and look forward to you continuing it.
As for complaints, at the end of the day it's YOUR story to do with as you please; don't let others dictate your work. Statistically speaking from likes and dislikes alone many more people enjoy your story than dislike it. Try not to get too down in the dumps over it, Yeah?
I wish you the best of luck, and hope to read many more epic adventures from you in the future!
I kinda hope this is a bit of a wake up call to the Adults...if Harry can stay awake and endure having his brain rearranged it should be sending all kinds of red flags. Although it does sound a bit like your gearing up for a runaround old Dumbles, what with the planning with Celestia.
9551974
I for one felt like the story was perfect I don't know what any of the neighsayers were talking about
Reading your story was always a highlight of my day
Personally I can see why you're doing it the way you are you're trying to make it feel true because in all honesty I can't see it happening any other way when it comes to Equestria and Harry Potter World mingling is going to get to the point where whoever is the one that are mingling with it will be overpowered and quite quickly there's really no way to get around it without it feeling stupid you shouldn't be ashamed of the fact that you're doing it true just write the way that you enjoy it don't focus on any of the neigh Sayers cuz I know for a fact the story will be better if you enjoy making it then if you're not
Before I start the story, I have one thing to say:
Philomena is going with Sunset!?
Merlin/Celestia help them..
No Seriously Celly go get your bird!
Finished: well I was wrong, it should be, Celestia.. go visit your student!. Troll the Wizards!
9556414
I get a feeling we're using different definitions of 'magical' here.
9556463
They are a thing. Remember, book 2, Hagrid was in Knockturn Alley getting repellant for his cabbages. Sorry if that seemed rude but I hate canon her so I had to get a (in my opinion) funny jab in at her expense at least once.
I don't give a good doggone about "destructive criticism", Mary Sue, or Gary Stu!! I've enjoyed reading this and part of that stems from reasonably good grammar/spelling and smooth flow of the story line. Please don't give up or change what you've done unless you really want to.
9561358
Actually it would. A later chapter shall clarify exactly why.
9561358
*sighs* That's going against several parts of the EoL... But the biggest one is probably number 48.
''I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.''
I don't see how sunset could be overpowered in any sense. I felt she was pretty standard for a unicorn in terms of magical prowess, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. But take as much time as you need to collect your thoughts. I can't wait to see this story continue.
9574208
Ditto from me, this has been a wonderful read.
Quite the fun story and eager for more!
9576953
IKR too bad he caved in to the jerks that was crying allot because sunset was a 'Mary su' just because he was writing an INTELLIGENT CHARACTER AS BEING INTELLIGENT now I have to re read everything cause they cried
9547705
If you clearly can't tell the difference since OBVIOUSLY Luna of the moon from Equestria is still SEALED ON/IN THE MOON and we are on earth not Equestria you need to find a way to pay better attention or differentiate
9590974
That second guess is actually more or less exactly it. You'll find a more in-depth explanation in the revised version of capter 18 once that is published.
you seam to have forgot the part when they all said that they wanted to go to equestria
9593513
Have I?
i like this story, please continue it, it is both entertaining and amusing.
9600156
You wish to see this story continued eh? Well you're luck then, aren't you? Today happens to be the day that happens ... about 30 minutes from now to be exact ...
9600245
So.... may I ask why I got the email denoting a new chapter just now...?
9600252
Because I was preparing the chapter and the 'edit' button happens to be right beside the 'publish' button ...
In onther words: because of unfortunate GUI design
Really though, I can't just tease people like that, can I?