Lyra and Bon Bon's Odd Jobs 2: Frisky Fillies

by Bronystories

First published 26th of July, 2012

Lyra and Bon Bon start their careers as phone sex operators; taking calls from all over Ponyville.

A continuation of Lyra and Bon Bon's Odd Jobs. This installment focuses on their careers in the phone sex industry. Most chapters will feature clop, so it fully embraces its mature rating.
New chapter added Nov. 13, 2012. Hugh Jelly wants to experience the most disgusting and perverted call in all of phone sex. Are Lyra and Bon Bon up to the task?

Two Talented Tongues

Lyra and Bon Bon sat in the main offices of Frisky Fillies Fone Follies. Unbeknownst to Bon Bon, the jobs they were applying for did not involve cheering up and inspiring ponies by sending thoughtful messages over the phone. In actuality, it was a pay-by-the-minute sex hotline; but Lyra wasn't about to tell her marefriend that.

"Bons really has to stop being so naive," Lyra thought, "She'll never learn anything if I always spell it out for her. I'm curious to see just how far I can take this prank."

"Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon," the receptionist said, "Chatterbox will see you now." The two mares got up and walked into the backroom. As they entered Chatterbox's office, Lyra was surprised by how clean it was. She thought her prank would have been spoiled the moment they walked through the front doors. She imagined some pornographic poster or other graphic image would indicate to Bon Bon the explicit nature of the business; but aside from the obvious sexual name, the rest of Frisky Fillies looked quite professional and respectable.

Behind the desk sat a tan-colored mare. She had a light and dark green, two-tone, frizzy-styled mane and a cutie mark which depicted a bright red present tied in a green bow with a toothy smile on the side of the box. A thin silver ring pierced her left nostril.

"Take a seat fillies," Chatterbox said in a seductive tone that caused every syllable she uttered to drip with sex. Lyra wondered if she had always talked that way, or if years in the phone sex business had altered her voice to sound like she was orgasming with every sentence.

"I understand you two are here for the, mmmmph... phone operator positions?" Chatterbox moaned, throatily while arching her eyebrows. Lyra stared at Bon Bon, who was looking at Chatterbox. Lyra thought for sure the jig was up. Bon Bon would have to question the mannerisms of the simmering sexpot before them... but she didn't. All the sexual overtones went completely over Bon Bon's head.

"Yes please," Bon Bon said, "We need the work, but it's more than just that. This is something I've always wanted to do!"

Bon Bon had a career as a comedian because she loved to make ponies laugh. She saw this new job as an extension of spreading good feelings. Lyra tried not to laugh as her marefriend dug herself a deeper and deeper hole. Lyra was content to let Bon Bon handle all the talking during the interview.

"Have you had any experience with making these kinds of calls before?" Chatterbox asked, erotically.

"Sure," Bon Bon said, "When I was a little filly I used to call up my grandma every weekend and talk to her for hours." Back in the waiting room, the receptionist jumped when Lyra let out a loud, raucous laugh.

It was later that night. Lyra and Bon Bon sat by two phones in their home, awaiting their first call. Since they had registered with Frisky Fillies, the main office would be redirecting clients to them.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me it was a phone sex hotline!" Bon Bon said. Her face had been beet red since the interview. Only now was the color starting to leave her cheeks.

"Would you have gone to the interview if you knew the truth?" Lyra asked, "Besides, it's called 'Frisky Fillies.' What else did you think that meant?"

"I thought frisky meant full of energy," Bon Bon said, defensively, "You know? Like a frisky puppy?" Lyra shook her head pitiably.

She was the one who had taken charge during the interview after Bon Bon was too embarrassed to continue. Lyra assured Chatterbox that telling jokes and being a funny entertainer was Bon Bon's trademark. Lyra had reasoned that it took a special talent to make a stallion laugh while cumming. The unique new talent intrigued Chatterbox, so she gave them their own extension. Lyra had successfully faked her way through the interview, but she needed to make sure Bon Bon could handle this job.

"Do you think you know what to do?" Lyra asked, "Let's hear your sexy moaning." Bon Bon inhaled deeply, then breathed out through her nose.

"Oh baby. Oh baby. Oh baby," Bon Bon said in a passionless monotone. Lyra did a facehoof.

"Ugh," she said, "You call that sexy moaning? Bons, I don't think you've caught the vision of what being a phone sex operator is all about." Lyra stood up and gave her marefriend a motivational speech.

"When a stallion calls us, we are like unchiseled marble to him," Lyra said, "He doesn't know what we look like, who we are or how we're feeling. He has to use his imagination, and our job is to indulge his fantasies. Like a gifted sculptor, we must shape his vision of us and convince him that we are more than cold statues. The stallion must believe that we are his dreams made reality. Our goal is to make him fall in love with his creation, just like the story of Pig-malion. If he wants a pegasus, we become pegasi. If he wants a blonde, we become blondes. We become and say whatever he wants. With every grunt or groan he makes, we offer words of encouragement to help bring him closer to his climax. Remember that we are not objectifying ourselves. We are not the statues. The visions we create are what we sell. We are the manufacturers; shaping a block of marble based on the stallion's designs. His climax is the ultimate form of positive feedback."

"Wow," Bon Bon said, in awe, "I had no idea talking dirty over the phone was such a noble profession." Lyra smiled humbly and shrugged her shoulders.

Suddenly, their phones rang, causing both of them to jump. Lyra and Bon Bon picked the receivers up. Bon Bon listened nervously. She heard obscene, heavy breathing over the phone. She thought she was going to be sick.

"Welcome to Frisky Fillies," Lyra said sensually, "Where the elite meet to beat their meat." She awaited the caller's reply.

"Who am I speaking to?" the pervy voice asked. Lyra blushed. She wasn't about to give her name out to a customer.

"Who do you want me to be?" Lyra asked, coyly. The earth pony watched her friend's technique. Bon Bon's heart beat fast as she held the receiver close to her ear.

"You want to get down to business!" the stallion said, excitedly to Lyra, "I like that. Alright, you're an earth pony." Lyra smiled and looked over at Bon Bon. Lyra mouthed the words 'easy money' before returning her attention to the caller.

"I was told I was getting two mares," the stallion said impatiently, "Where's the other one?"

"I'm here," Bon Bon said timidly, "What can I sculpt for you today?" Bon Bon blushed and put a hoof over her mouth.

"What?" the stallion asked, perplexed. Lyra rolled her eyes. Putting her hoof over the phone's mouth piece, Lyra told Bon Bon to stick to the fantasy. She tried once more.

"So," Bon Bon said nervously to the stallion, "What do you want me to be... Mr. Sexy?" Lyra smiled a toothy grin and nodded encouragingly at Bon Bon.

"I want you to be a short-maned unicorn." Lyra and Bon Bon exchanged uncomfortable looks.

"A... a short-maned unicorn?" Bon Bon said, confirming, "You've got it... Hot Stuff." Lyra whispered for her marefriend to ease up on the pet names and let the caller decide what he wanted to be called.

"Yeah, I see these two dykes walking around Ponyville everyday; flaunting their deviant lifestyle," the stallion said, angrily, "A mint unicorn and a cream-colored earth pony." Lyra and Bon Bon were sweating. This was too uncomfortable.

"They say they're lesbians, but all they need is the right stallion between their legs to show them how wrong they are," the voice said, creepily, "And I'm that stallion."

"So we're lesbians that become breeders through your cock?" Lyra said, trying to sound respectful and failing.

"Ooo, Candy Ass, you talk dirty!" the stallion said to Lyra. Bon Bon looked back at her cutie mark and blushed. She was embarrassed to be called Candy Ass, even if he was technically talking to Lyra. The stallion was still thinking about her when he said it.

"Where's that butch unicorn?" the stallion said, "I can't wait to take her down a peg." Always an entertainer, Bon Bon gave the customer what he wanted. As though a switch had become flipped in her brain, she started speaking in a stereotypical butch, lesbian voice. Lyra was not amused.

"Right here!" Bon Bon said, gruffly, "The only phallic symbol in my life is the one on my forehead! I need a stallion like a fish needs a bicycle!" Bon Bon looked over at Lyra and winked. Lyra furrowed her brow. She blushed and covered her horn with her other fore-hoof, as though it were something obscene.

"So you don't need a stallion, huh? We'll see about that, G String," the voice said, ominously to Bon Bon, "I've got a massive hardon here. Which one of you lesbos wants to suck my dick first?"

"That's your cock?" Bon Bon said, shocked, "I thought you were hiding behind a tree!" Lyra rolled her eyes at Bon Bon. In spite of some cringe-worthy dialog, she was a lot better at talking dirty than Lyra had anticipated.

"I'm a lesbian because I've secretly always wanted a penis," Bon Bon said, as she described herself caressing the stallion's cock tenderly, "I realize now that my only chance to be happy is to find a strong stallion like you who will take care of me. I can take his cock every night and make lots and lots of foals for him."

"Pregnant and in the kitchen," the stallion moaned approvingly, "Just as nature intended."

"Mmmm" Bon Bon said, making loud, smacking sounds, "It's so big! How am I gonna fit it in all in my mouth?" Lyra was dumbstruck. What had happened to the naive Bon Bon who didn't grasp the sexual undertones of 'frisky?' The mare beside her now was talking dirty like she'd been doing it all her life. The stallion was moaning over the phone as Bon Bon continued to tease him. Unable to remain silent on the issue, Lyra put her hoof over the receiver and whispered irritatedly to Bon Bon.

"What in the name of twenty digits is going on around here?" Lyra asked, "When did you get so good at this?" Bon Bon was totally in character, rolling her tongue around in her mouth to make it sound as though she were deepthroating the stallion. When Lyra asked her a question, Bon Bon choked and made a slurping sound to indicate she was pulling a cock out of her mouth.

"Don't go away, lover," Bon Bon panted breathlessly, "I need a moment to catch my breath after nearly choking on your massive meat."

"Don't be gone too long," the stallion said, concerned, "These calls can get expensive." Covering her hoof with the receiver, Bon Bon looked at Lyra.

"Yes?" Bon Bon said, "What is it? I don't want to keep the caller waiting." Lyra was flabbergasted.

"Keep the caller waiting?!" Lyra said, "Bon Bon, listen to yourself! When did you change from a naive prude to a sexual dynamo?!"

"I'm an actor," Bon Bon explained simply, "I would never think these things myself, but if I'm pretending to be you, then the ideas just seem to come to me." In some strange way, that explanation made sense to Lyra. She was about to let Bon Bon resume her work, when another thought came to Lyra.

"Hey wait a minute!" Lyra said, suddenly, "You don't think I'm that big of a slut, do you?" Bon Bon giggled.

"Of course not," Bon Bon said, "I had to exaggerate my performance to meet the caller's expectations." Lyra smiled at Bon Bon. She was learning fast.

"So," Bon Bon said, getting back into her butch persona, "Want to help me finish this bigoted bastard off?"

"You bet." Lyra said.

"Sorry for the wait," Bon Bon said, "I was just preparing Candy Ass. Her pussy's never had anything bigger inside it than a dyke's tongue."

"I'm dripping wet now and can't wait to take your cock," Lyra said, "What position do you want to do me in?" The stallion was excited. He was about to fulfill his secret fantasy over the phone and he intended to make sure this call was worth every bit he paid for it.

"I'm lying on my back," the stallion said, "Let's do it Cowgirl style. I want to see the look on your face when your creamy cave gets stuffed for the first time." Lyra let out a moan as the stallion imagined Bon Bon sliding down his hard shaft. It was needlessly confusing.

"Oh, Celestia!" Lyra said, "My pussy has never been filled like this before! You sure know how to please a mare!"

"After I'm done with you, no filly fooler will ever be able to satisfy you again!" the stallion said, getting excited, "G String! Suck my balls while I screw your marefriend's pussy!" Bon Bon made obscene sucking sounds while Lyra bounced up and down, panting heavily.

"Mmm, yes. Yes! Oh buck, yes!" Lyra said, "I can't take it anymore! You're too good! Can I cum all over your cock?" The stallion smirked and gave her permission.

"Aaaah!" Lyra said, as she pretended to orgasm, "I've never cum so much at once before! You showed me what I've been missing all these years!" After her 'orgasm' subsided, Lyra informed the stallion she was dismounting his member.

"I can smell my pussy juice all over your cock," Lyra said, "I wonder if it tastes as good as it smells?" Lyra made it sound as though she was running her tongue along his slippery shaft. Bon Bon's lips were getting tired from making the constant sucking noises. She made a loud smack sound to indicate that she had released his balls.

"Mmm," Bon Bon said, "Your sweaty sack is so salty and yummy! I could suck on it all day; but right now I think you'd prefer it if I get a big mouthful of your hot jizz. What do you say, lover? Are you ready to blow your load all over our faces? We're huddled together with our mouths open." Lyra and Bon Bon both made an expectant "Aaah" sound to indicate that their mouths were open.

The stallion pumped himself furiously. He could see the mares in his mind's eye. The were sweaty and submissive. Just the way he liked them.

"Get ready fillies," the stallion said, "Here comes the facial!"

"Oh no!" Lyra said suddenly, "You forgot to lock the door! Radiant Hope and Glowing Charity walked in and are watching you clop!" Atomic Faith panicked and whipped his head around quickly, but he was too far gone to delay his orgasm from coming. When he looked back around at the door, he saw that it was still locked. Just as he left it.

The surprise of checking to make sure he was still alone meant that he forgot to take the necessary precautions to minimize the mess of his orgasm. Atomic Faith's jizz shot into the air and landed on the floor, the pillow and his chest. He lay there panting; partially from his orgasm, but also panting from the relief of knowing that his wife and daughter hadn't walked in on him clopping.

"Who is this?" Atomic Faith said angrily, "How do you know who I am? I'm going to call your main office and see to it that both of you are fired!"

"I don't think you'll do that," Bon Bon said, "Not unless you want a recording of this little call getting back to your wife." Bon Bon was bluffing. There was no tape, but Atomic Faith didn't know that.

"No. You... you aren't allowed to record calls," Atomic Faith said, desperately, "You're bluffing!"

"Haven't you ever heard of demo tapes?" Bon Bon asked, "I gave one of my best performances tonight. You'd better believe I'm going to record it."

"You'd be less easy to blackmail if you weren't so misogynistic," Lyra said, "but that's the price you pay for being in the public eye."

"What are you going to do?" Atomic Faith said, panicking, "If that tape gets out, I'll be ruined!"

"We'll keep the tape nice and safe here," Bon Bon said, "Nopony else will ever hear your voice on this recording unless you report us to Frisky Fillies. If that happens, then all of Ponyville is going to hear all about this, including your wife."

"Never call Frisky Fillies again," Lyra said, "If you ever have the urge to get your rocks off, but your wife won't put out, why not consider donating to your local cryobank?"

"You..." Atomic Faith said, in disbelief. It slowly dawned on him who he was talking to. Lyra and Bon Bon hung up on him. Atomic Faith lay on the floor sweaty and surrounded by his sticky semen.

"Stupid dykes," he mumbled.

Lyra and Bon Bon fell back laughing hysterically.

"I wish we had been recording that call," Lyra said, "Did you hear the terror in his voice? When we told him his wife and kid were watching, it sounded like he dropped a deuce in fear!"

"I think I'm going to enjoy this job," Bon Bon said, smiling. The two mares lay on the floor. Their hearts beat fast as the adrenaline generated by the phone call was still pumping through their bodies. Lyra and Bon Bon looked into each other's eyes.

"G String," Bon Bon said, affectionately.

"Candy Ass," Lyra said, lovingly. After a few minutes, Lyra stood up and moved the phones back to their original locations.

"I don't know about you," Lyra said, smiling devilishly, "but hearing you say all those dirty things has made me horny."

"You're a unicorn," Bon Bon said, getting up off the ground, "you're always horny." Lyra stared at Bon Bon. That was considered the least-funny joke in all of unicorn humor, but Lyra's pussy was too wet for her to care at the moment.

"Sorry, bad joke," Bon Bon said, "So, do you want to do it?"

"Ew, gay," Lyra said, scrunching up her nose, "Not with you! You don't have a penis." The two mares stared at each other smirking. They both tried to keep straight faces, which was difficult. Unable to hold back any longer, Lyra and Bon Bon burst out laughing.

"Bwa ha ha ha!" Bon Bon laughed, "A penis! That's a good one!" Lyra put her fore-hoof around Bon Bon's shoulder, then the two of them walked towards their bedroom. Lyra graciously let Bon Bon in the room first. As Bon Bon walked past her marefriend, Lyra slapped Bon Bon's ass. She let out a squeak, then giggled. Lyra followed Bon Bon inside and closed the door behind them. In the minds of both mares, they thought this new job would work out just fine.

Twenty Delicious Digits

Lyra and Bon Bon had been working from home as phone sex operators for more than a month now. They never did hear back from Atomic Faith, which was just fine with them. As the weeks passed, Lyra and Bon Bon continued to arouse their clients through sensual speech. The two mares eventually became quite proficient in their new careers as fantasy sculptors.

Lyra and Bon Bon's first paychecks went towards upgrading their phones to wireless, 'hooves-free' headsets. There was a little button on the side of the headset that they could use to mute their microphones if they needed to talk to each other during a call. When speaking with clients, the mares enjoyed having their hooves free for other... activities.

"Sky five," Lyra said.

"Oh, don't stop! You're giving me such a massive wingboner!" Bon Bon screamed, before switching her mic off to calmly respond to her marefriend's guess, "Miss." In the midst of their paid phone conversations, Lyra and Bon Bon were enjoying the classic aerial strategy game, Cloud Bank. They sat on pillows across from each other, with the game in between them.

"Cloud six," Bon Bon said, before switching her mic back on, "Yes! Give it to me, baby! Fill your Spitfire up with hot, sticky cum!"

Lyra and Bon Bon were handling different clients at the same time. Bon Bon was catering to more of their typical fare. She was talking to a horny pegasus who wanted to bone the captain of the Wonderbolts. Bon Bon, being an excellent imitator, was able to make that wet dream a reality. Lyra's caller, on the other hoof, was a bit... different.

"No, that sounds interesting," Lyra said, bored, "Tell me about the rest of your day."

Some lonely stallions weren't interested in clopping to sexy moaning. They just wanted to talk to a mare who had no choice but to listen to them. Lyra tried to be nice, but there was a reason why these stallions were alone.

"So I went to this year's Humancon," the mouth-breathing stallion said to Lyra, "Do you like humans? I think they're so hot! Anyways, some griffons from the Howie Tern show interviewed me. I answered their questions about what fapping was and told them what kind of humans I liked to masturbate to." Lyra did a face hoof.

"It's numbnuts like this clod who give the rest of us human-lovers bad name," Lyra thought, "You can do what you like in the privacy of your own home, but when some shock jock sticks a mic in your face and asks you about your wet dreams, have the class to say, 'no comment.'" Lyra herself was fascinated with the whole human mythos, but a small number of freaks who confessed their fetishes on the radio were ruining it for the rest of them.

"Hey Bons?" Lyra said, getting her marefriend's attention, "You said Cloud six, right?" Bon Bon nodded, while giving an orgasmic moan.

"You zapped my weather pony," Lyra said, sadly, "That was my last piece. Good game." Bon Bon did a hoof pump. She wasn't super competitive, but she did enjoy winning.

"Mmm, baby," Bon Bon, moaned erotically, "You filled me up with so much cum, I know I'm gonna' get pregnant. What do you say, lover? Want to help me train the next generation of Wonderbolts as my new Co-Captain?" Bon Bon had become quite skilled at giving the customer exactly what he wanted.

"That was... amazing," the pegasus said breathlessly, as he basked in his afterglow.

"Anytime, Sweetie," Bon Bon said, cheerfully, "When you call next time, tell them you want Candy Ass. They'll send you to me and we can have more fun."

After hanging up with the caller, Bon Bon gave a big stretch and took off her headset. She put away the board game as Lyra laid back and and listened painfully to the stallion rattle off a detailed list of all the OC humans he had created.

"Buck," Lyra thought, miserably, "This stallion is so dense, he probably needs to get an erection before he can count to five!"

"My favorite one is Lola," the stallion said, "She's five feet, six inches tall, with Caucasian skin. Her blonde hair is long enough to rest on top of her tanned, C cup-sized breasts." Lyra rolled her eyes and seriously considered making a recording that said, "uh huh" every few minutes. It seems like the least painful way to endure these awful phone calls.

"I'm... I'm ready to start now," the stallion said, embarrassed, "Could... could you pretend to be Lola for me?" Lyra was taken aback. He wanted her to pretend to be a human? That was her fetish!

"Sh... sure," Lyra said, uncertainly, "A human." While Lyra found the human form highly attractive, she'd never done any role-playing before. Bon Bon wasn't turned on by people, so Lyra's options for expressing herself were sorely limited. Her heart beat fast as Lyra knew that tonight was going to be a totally new experience for her.

"I lean over you and put my hoov... my hands on your chest," Lyra said, nervously. She was a little turned on by vocalizing her deepest desires over the phone, "I press my warm palms against your soft coat and slide my silky smooth arms down your chest and stop at the base of your hard cock." Bon Bon shook her head. While she still respected Lyra, in spite of all her weird fetishes, Bon Bon could never figure out the appeal of clopping to humans.

"Oooh," the stallion moaned, "What next?" Bon Bon stared at her marefriend, concerned. Even when Lyra pretended to cum for a caller, she always looked calm and collected; but with this client, she was sprawled on her back all hot and bothered as she lazily played with her clit. If Bon Bon didn't know any better, she would have sworn Lyra was getting turned on by all of this.

"Then I... I take my fingers and I slide them into my mouth," Lyra said as her pussy began to drip, "While still sucking on my slender digits, I take my other hand and begin fingering my wet pussy." Lyra's obsession with hands was more than just a fetish; it was idol worship. Carpals, metacarpals and phalanges; Lyra loved them all. She reverenced all parts of the hand.

"I insert one finger inside my pussy," Lyra said, growing more aroused with every sentence, "Two fingers. Three fingers! Oh Celestia, buck yes!"

"What about me?" the stallion asked, starting to feel left out.

"Oh right!" Lyra said, apologetically, "I was just getting myself nice and wet. Now, what can Lola do for you?"

"Give me a tittybuck," the stallion said, raunchily. Bon Bon watched as Lyra took her hooves and held them in front of her flat chest as though she were squeezing invisible breasts, Bon Bon shook her head. Of all the quirks of human anatomy, the location of mammaries was one of the most bizarre.

"Human breasts are so weird," Bon Bon thought, "They hang down right below their shoulders, for pony's sake!" In spite of herself, Bon Bon was getting turned on by her marefriend's erotic display. Bon Bon lowered her hoof between her legs and touched her own nipples, which were located above her genitals. Lyra's feminine scent was making Bon Bon so horny that her nipples were getting hard.

"I squirt some coconut oil onto my hands and rub it all over my breasts to make them nice and slick," Lyra said, "Get ready stud, because my coconut mounds are about to give your cock a five minute vacation!" Not wasting any time, Lyra proceeded with the fantasy.

"I grab my glistening tits and press them on either side of your fat cock," Lyra said seductively, "As I start pumping with my hands, I can feel the veins of your throbbing shaft rubbing against my boobs." Bon Bon's pussy was dripping now. She wished Lyra would hurry up and finish that damn phone call already so they could screw.

"My long, blonde hair falls down over my face as I lower my head and start tickling the tip of your dick with my tongue," Lyra said, "Mmm, I can taste your precum." Lyra was so turned on by pretending to be a human that she thought she should be charging herself for this phone call.

"Bon Bon," Lyra said breathlessly, "My pussy's drenched! Go get Jack and Jill!" Bon Bon eagerly ran off to their bedroom to get Jack and Jill, which were the names of Bon Bon and Lyra's dildos, respectively.

Jack was a medium-sized red rubber dildo that was shaped like a horse cock. He was the standard kind one would find in any adult novelty store.

Lyra's pussy pleaser, Jill, was more of a specialty order. She was shaped like a female human hand and was designed to look and feel like real human skin. The index and middle fingers of Jill stuck rigidly straight out, while the other fingers were pressed against the palm of the hand. Lyra used her dildo whenever she felt like jilling off, which is the female equivalent of jacking off.

Bon Bon returned to see her marefriend rubbing at her clit furiously with both hooves. Lyra spread her legs in anticipation as Bon Bon happily trotted up with their masturbatory aids. Leaning her head down, with her ass sticking up, Bon Bon began to lap at Lyra's overflowing honeypot.

"Ooh... buck yeah," Lyra said, as her body became awash in pleasure from her marefriend's touch. Lyra put her hooves on the back of Bon Bon's head and pressed her down further. Lyra's sensitive clit was being rubbed by Bon Bon's nose as she stuck her tongue inside the unicorn's pussy and wiggled it around.

Wanting to return the favor, Lyra levitated Jack and stuck him in her mouth. She turned the mic back on so the stallion could hear all her obscene sucking and slurping sounds.

"Mmm... I've never had a stallion's cock in my mouth before," Lyra moaned, "You're much bigger than any human dick!" When Jack was sufficiently slick, Lyra removed him from her mouth with a loud pop. She levitated Jack over to Bon Bon's backside and tried to press him against her pussy. After almost accidentally sticking him in her ass, which elicited a panicked squeal from Bon Bon, Lyra finally found her marefriend's pussy.

Jack slid in effortlessly as Bon Bon let out a groan of pleasure from being so completely filled. Bon Bon pulled her dripping mouth away from Lyra's snatch and picked up Jill. Bon Bon inserted Jill into her mouth and ran her tongue around Jill's fingers. When Lyra's dildo was coated in saliva, Bon Bon slowly rubbed the fingers over Lyra's puffy marehood.

"Quit teasing me," Lyra pleaded, "Just shove her in already!" Lyra's accordion-like inner folds parted to accommodate Jill. Bon Bon slid both fingers completely inside. Jill's thumb, which was slightly upturned, pressed against Lyra's clit like it was a doorbell. A joy buzzer may have been a more accurate term, because that sudden burst of stimulation sent shivers throughout Lyra's body. Refusing to let herself be distracted by her slowly building orgasm, Lyra continued her phone call.

"I squeeze my huge tits and rapidly rub them against your stallionhood," Lyra said, panting. She tried to keep it together as she felt Jill's fingers exploring the deepest reaches of her marehood. Bon Bon moaned as Lyra quickened her pace with the dildo. Jack plumbed the depths of Bon Bon's pussy, releasing a small river of her natural lube whenever he was pulled out.

"That's it, you dirty stallion! Buck my tits! Buck my tits!" Lyra said roughly to the stallion. Lyra was also acting rougher as evidenced by her forcefully pumping Jack inside Bon Bon.

Jill fell out of Lyra's pussy, as Bon Bon couldn't focus enough to keep the hand inside. To further stimulate herself, Bon Bon's was rubbing one of her hooves frantically against her clit. As she did so, she lay with her head turned to one side against the ground and her ass in the air. Her mouth was hanging open and she was drooling slightly; totally lost to pleasure. Every time Lyra thrust Jack back inside Bon Bon, she made a little moan. Suddenly, she stopped rubbing herself and let out a squeak.

"I'm cumming!" Bon Bon said. Milky fluid squirted from Bon Bon's pussy and landed on a puddle on the floor. Bon Bon's marehood continued to squeeze Jack like a vice, until Lyra removed him and set the slimy dildo on the table. After all that exertion, Bon Bon was too weak to stand. Her hind legs slid down to join the rest of her body on the floor. Her juices continued to flow as she reveled in her climax.

Wanting to repay the kindness, Bon Bon forced herself to crawl towards Lyra. Once she lay before her marefriend, Bon Bon put her head in front of the unicorn's glistening crotch. Bon Bon loved Lyra's marehood. The feminine folds of a mare's vulva were as unique as the shape of a snowflake, and Bon Bon had memorized every line and crease of her lover's pussy. Lyra's outer lips were quite large and the protective hood of her clit poked out between them.

Bon Bon stared with reverence at Lyra's clitoris, because she knew it was the only organ in either gender that was designed with pleasure as its sole function. Celestia, in her infinite wisdom, had put eight thousand nerve endings in the clitoris, which were dedicated exclusively to giving a mare pleasure. In contrast, a stallion's penis had only half that number of pleasurable nerve endings. There were some days when Bon Bon truly felt sorry for stallions and their inferior genitals.

"Alright stud, it's time to switch things up and finish you off with a traditional human hand job," Lyra said, talking excitedly into her mic, "Your precum flows freely down my fingers as I wrap them around your hot shaft." Bon Bon put her mouth on Lyra's blood-engorged clit and started sucking on it like a foal at its mother's teat. Lyra let out a shrill squeal of pleasure.

"Uh... " Lyra said, losing her train of thought, "I... I keep jerking your cock with my right hand while I fondle your balls with my left." Bon Bon continued to play with Lyra's sweaty pussy, as the earth pony's chin dripped with her marefriend's juices. Bon Bon pressed her teeth against Lyra's clit and nibbled affectionately. This sent Lyra over the edge.

"I'm cumming! I'm cumming!" Lyra screamed. She forgot to turn off her mic, but she was too consumed in her own pleasure to care who heard, "Come with me! Shoot your stallion seed all over my breasts! Give your little human a pearl necklace!"

As if following her own orders to cum, Lyra's feminine ejaculate flowed freely and splattered against Bon Bon's face. Lyra and Bon Bon both let out a contented sigh as Bon Bon crawled up to lay beside Lyra. The earth pony rested her head on Lyra's chest and quietly fell asleep from exhaustion. Lyra was about fall asleep herself, when she forgot about the stallion on the other line. She needed to wrap things up.

"No human has ever been able to make me cum like that before," Lyra said, hoping the stallion would buy her bluff, "My chest is covered in your delicious, sticky foal sauce. I rub my hand across my breasts and scoop up a glob of semen. I wiggle my cum-coated fingers as I stare at the strands of jizz cling between my digits. I want to taste your cum and start sucking it off my fingers." Lyra made a sensual moan and sucking sounds as she put her hoof in her mouth. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she was still recovering from one of the greatest orgasms she'd ever experienced. She listened for some sign of life from the stallion, but the line was silent.

"You were kind of quiet near the end," Lyra said, chuckling, "Too focused on taking care of business to speak, huh? I've been there before, let me tell you." Lyra put her left arm around Bon Bon's head and stroked her mane with her hoof, enjoying her afterglow. Suddenly there was a sound from the stallion's line.

(Flush!)

Lyra's eyes went wide. She heard the sounds of the stallion scrambling back into the room to pick up the phone.

"Sorry I had to put the phone down," the stallion said, "I had to go after I asked for a tittybuck. Did you start yet?" Lyra gave the mother of all face hoofs. She went back to take it again from the top. Once more, without feeling.

"I take some coconut oil and squeeze it on my tits," Lyra said, unenthusiastically.

"Actually," the stallion said, his voice shaking a little, "I took care of that in the bathroom with some human porn. Instead of sex, could you just hold me?" Lyra didn't know what to say. She felt sympathetic towards the stallion. Maybe there was more to him than just a salacious creep.

"Sure," she said, tenderly, "I'll hold you. I stroke your mane as you lay your head on my chest. My breasts cushion you as you listen to the steady beat of Lola's heart. My heart. A heart that beats only for your love." As Lyra said these words, she stroked Bon Bon's mane, who returned the affection with a smile in her sleep.

"I love you Lola," the stallion said.

"I love you too," Lyra said. As Lyra lay there, she felt a twinge of guilt. She'd gotten herself off on the customer's dime while he was on the can.

"I'll uh, refund the time you spend away from the phone," Lyra said, "I'd hate for you to feel like you were getting ripped off."

"Are you kidding?!" the stallion said, "You're the nicest mare I've ever talked to! I want you to keep all the money for the full call. Consider it as a tip for being so open-minded. Most mares think I'm a freak when I start talking about humans."

"Well they don't know what they're missing," Lyra said, "I'm always up for a little human role play. Next time you're in the mood, or if you just want to talk, remember to ask for G-String and we can do it up right." The stallion said he'd be sure to ask for her in the future. He thanked her for her professionalism and prepared to hang up.

"Wait!" Lyra said, "I did have one thing to say before you go. Do all of us human-lovers a favor and stop blabbing about your fapping material on national radio programs."

"Sorry," the stallion said, "I guess I just wanted attention."

"There are better ways to get attention than broadcasting your fetishes to the world," Lyra said, reproachfully.

"Like what?" the stallion asked.

"Have you ever considered writing fanfiction?" Lyra asked.

Three Throbbing Feet

In spite of Ponyville's overwhelming majority ratio of mares to stallions, a greater number of Lyra and Bon Bon's clients were of the opposite gender. The few mares who did call in put Lyra and Bon Bon to work. Female clients wanted the two mares to paint a picture with words and make a romantic story the caller could use as a backdrop as she pleasured herself. In contrast, stallions were content to just hear feminine moaning and panting while they jerked off.

To the stallion's credit, they were a lot easier to satisfy, but they had also caused things to become monotonous. Lyra and Bon Bon knew by heart all the right things to say to make a stallion climax and the two mares were starting to get bored. They needed some weird fetish to shake up their routine.

Lyra and Bon Bon sat around their house with their headphones on, waiting for their next call.

"Sometimes I wish we had more female callers," Lyra said, "All I know about what stallions like is what I've seen from porn. I'm much more knowledgeable about how to please mares."

"I'll second that," Bon Bon said, flirtatiously. Since their jobs revolved around making ponies cum, the romantic aspect of sex was starting to fade from their relationship. Lyra felt like she did enough dirty talk during work. The last thing she wanted to do was sound sexy during her free time. In spite of bringing multiple ponies to orgasm night after night, it had been weeks since Lyra and Bon Bon had sex.

Bon Bon did what she could to keep romance alive. She was feeling surprisingly amorous tonight and considered leaning in for a kiss. Bon Bon figured that as long as they were waiting for a call, there was time for a quick make out session. Just as she was about to make her move, the phone rang, causing Lyra and Bon Bon to jump.

"Do you want to take this one, or should I?" Lyra asked, "I was just about to go make a sandwich..."

"You go ahead," Bon Bon said, "I'll take this one." Lyra headed off to the kitchen as Bon Bon switched on her headset. She bit her lip, staring at Lyra's ass as she walked into the kitchen. Bon Bon figured she would bide her time until she could be intimate with Lyra again.

"Welcome to Frisky Fillies, where the elite meet to beat their meat!" Bon Bon said to the caller, cheerfully, "Candy Ass, your sex goddess, speaking; Chatterbox ain't here." After having advanced to become the head of the company, Chatterbox no longer took calls herself. In spite of this, she was still so famous for her phone sex prowess that ponies still asked for her by name. Lyra and Bon Bon had grown used to automatically telling callers that their boss was unavailable to join in the fun.

Not wanting to miss her marefriend's latest call, Lyra decided to make her sandwich in the living room. She brought along all the ingredients she would need. A banana, a jar of creamy peanut butter and white bread. It was Lyra's favorite.

In spite of Bon Bon's frequent attempts to take Lyra out to eat at fancy restaurants, the unicorn never showed much interest. Lyra was a mare of simple tastes and Bon Bon's fancy chocolates and other delicacies were wasted on her. As far as Lyra was concerned, peanut butter was the pinnacle of provision perfection.

Bon Bon was still waiting to hear a word from her client. She had dealt with nervous callers before, who were embarrassed to be using a sex hotline, but she'd never had a caller as shy as this. All Bon Bon could make out were faint, barely-audible squeaks.

"You're going to have to speak up," Bon Bon said, "I can't hear you." Lyra unscrewed the jar of peanut butter and levitated a knife to scoop some out for her sandwich.

"Okay," the client said in a scared tone, "Is this better?" Bon Bon recognized the voice as being female.

"Oh, you're a mare!" Bon Bon said, surprised, "Well, don't you worry, little filly. The main office directed you to me because Candy Ass knows how to pleasure mares. I'll do anything you want over the phone. Suck tits and tease clits. Buck asses to please lasses. I'll make you shout, while you rub one out."

Lyra put on her headset, so she could hear the client's side of the conversation as well. She switched over to Bon Bon's channel, but left her mic turned off so as not to interrupt anything. The caller's voice was so filled with so much shame and embarrassment that Lyra and Bon Bon could feel her blushing through the phone.

"Actually...," the mare said, forcing herself to utter the words, "I want you to suck my dick... You know, if that's alright with you..." The mare's request had an odd sense of timing, because at that very moment, Lyra was levitating a big, yellow banana to add to her sandwich. Lyra stared at the phallic symbol, then looked at Bon Bon. The two mares stared at each other with unsure faces.

"She wants you to suck her dick?" Lyra asked Bon Bon skeptically. Bon Bon nodded in the affirmative.

"You know she has no dick, right?" Lyra asked, knowingly.

"I know she has no dick." Bon Bon said, forgetting to turn her mic off. She covered her mouth with her hoof and listened to the client's response.

"I'd like to have a dick," the caller said, wistfully. This was a new one for Lyra and Bon Bon. Out of all their callers, they'd never met a fantasy futa before; let alone a futa shy as her. Remembering her professionalism, Bon Bon was determined to fulfill her client's fantasy.

"You're going to need to tell me a little bit about yourself," Bon Bon said, "How big are you?" Lyra took the first bite of her sandwich and was washing it down with a glass of milk.

"I'm eighteen inches long," the caller said, humbly. Bon Bon looked shocked and Lyra snorted into her glass of milk. Eighteen inches was a half the length of a pony's body and double the length of a well-endowed stallion. Milk dribbled down Lyra's chin as she laughed uncontrollably.

"eighteen inches?!" Lyra said, in disbelief, "Now we know who to call when we need something to hang our towels on!" Even though Lyra's mic was off, Bon Bon gestured for her marefriend to keep her voice down, less she offend the client.

"Do you also have balls or...?" Bon Bon asked cautiously. She wasn't sure about the mechanics of he-mares. Bon Bon wondered if the caller still had a vagina in addition to a penis. Was the penis supposed to be located above her marehood? Did it emerge out of her pussy? She had so many questions.

"No," the client responded calmly, "It just grew out from under the hood of my clit. There are no balls."

"Then how's she supposed to jizz?" Lyra asked dubiously. Bon Bon whispered for her marefriend to keep quiet. This was the customer's fantasy. It could be whatever she wanted.

"Oh yes. I can see that now," Bon Bon said, playing along, "And your shaft is as big around as my hooves! I can't even fit your head in my mouth." Lyra knew this could be very entertaining scenario if she played her cards right. Switching her mic on, Lyra joined the party.

"Mind if I watch?" Lyra asked. The caller let out a scared squeak.

"Aah! Who's there?" the client said, nervously, "I was told this was completely private."

"It is," Lyra said, reassuringly, "I'm G-String, Candy Ass's helper. Her mouth is stretched around your massive cock head, so I'll be providing the commentary."

Bon Bon gave a look of confused disapproval as her marefriend hijacked the call, but she wasn't going to stop it. Bon Bon had her fore-hoof in her mouth to simulate the client's imaginary huge shlong. Muffled moans escaped her lips as she slobbered all over her hoof.

"Your knob's urethra is the size of a small vagina," Lyra said, "Candy Ass wraps her fore-hooves around your shaft and pulls it closer. Her mouth covers your pee hole as she sticks her tongue deep inside. Greedily, she swallows a thin stream of precum as it leaks from your massive cock." Bon Bon made some slurping and gulping sounds.

"Ohh," the caller groaned as she pleasured herself. After a few moments of slurping and sucking, the caller told Candy Ass to stop. The client informed the two mares that she was removing her cock from Candy Ass's mouth and walking around to her backside.

"I rest my left fore-hoof on her back," the caller said, "Then I stand on my hind legs and raise my cock with my other fore-hoof. A thin stand of her saliva drips from my tip. I want to spank her with my dick." Lyra was impressed that the client wanted to play a big enough role in describing some events herself. Most clients just let Lyra and Bon Bon do all the creative work. As the client grunted, Lyra simulated the sounds of spanking by loudly slapping her arm against her other fore-hoof.

"You've been a bad filly," the caller said, "and bad fillies get spanked." Bon Bon moaned and made sensual screams. She expressed her disbelief that she was actually being paddled by a penis.

"Your hard meat slapping against my butt is such a turn on!" Bon Bon moaned, "My pussy's already drenched." Lyra wanted to see how crazy she could make this scenario.

"Well?" Lyra asked expectantly, "Don't you want to stick it inside her?" Lyra gave Bon Bon a wink.

"Oh yes," the client said, "But I couldn't. I'm too big. she'd never be able to take me."

"Nonsense," Lyra said, "We call her Candy Ass because her sphincter stretches like taffy. You'll be able to fit it in, and it'll be the tightest screw you've ever had in your life." There was a moment of silence as the caller thought it over.

"My friends did tell me asserting myself could be fun," the client said, warming up to the idea. Lyra told her that the best kind of assertive was insertive. When the caller agreed to sodomize Candy Ass, Lyra and Bon Bon described the lubing of her cock in detail. They told her how they were coating her dick and Candy Ass's butthole in oils. Finally everypony was prepared for the anal penetration.

"Just look at the scared expression on Candy Ass's face," Lyra said to the caller, "No amount of lube can fully prepare her for the punishment you're about to give. Her sphincter tightens in fear, because she knows your eighteen inches of hard mare meat threatens to pummel her pooper." The client was dripping wet and ready to go.

"Don't be shy," the caller said, psyching herself up, "Stick it in her brown eye!" With that sentence, the client screamed as she imagined her bulbous cock head stretching Candy Ass's rectum beyond its normal limits.

"Oh, Celestia, my poor ass!" Bon Bon wailed, "I'm not going to be able to sit for weeks!" Lyra gave commentary as she described the mare thrusting into Candy Ass's backdoor; her cock sinking in a few inches further each time.

"You're about nine inches deep and have entered her intestines," Lyra said, "I've never seen a colonoscopy performed with a cock before. Feeling your obscene, swollen pony pole sliding inside her is making Candy Ass so hot." Bon Bon made pained shouts and heavy breathing into her mouthpiece. She tried to imagine what this might feel like in real life to put on a convincing performance for the customer.

"Have mercy!" Bon Bon screamed, "I can feel your giant goo bazooka snaking its way into my belly!" The caller was breathing heavily as she continued to pleasure her pearl.

"Candy Ass's intestines are rearranging themselves to accommodate your girth!" Lyra said, "Her entire body is submitting itself to your desires. I don't think anypony has ever had this much dick inside them before." The caller moaned and panted as she stimulated herself. Eventually, Lyra informed her that she had bottomed out inside Candy Ass.

"You can't go any further," Lyra said, "her anal ring is gripping the base of your eighteen inch cock." Bon Bon described what was going on inside her body. Bucking every medical convention, the client's member had somehow managed to travel through fifty feet of pony intestines. The full length of Bon Bon's poop chute was wrapped tight around the shaft like a fleshy cock sleeve. The mare's knob had forced its way from Bon Bon's ass to her stomach.

"Now she doesn't have to swallow your jizz," Lyra said, playfully, "You can just dump cum directly into her belly." In spite of achieving goals not attainable in the physical world, the client wasn't satisfied yet.

"I want to go deeper!" she said, while furiously masturbating, "I want to skewer her like a shish kabob!" Lyra and Bon Bon exchanged disbelieving looks. Lyra tried to keep from cracking up.

"Fortunately for you, I happen to be a unicorn," Lyra said, smirking, "I'll just cast a spell to double the length of your cock." Lyra didn't really know any growing magic; but this was all pretend anyways, so what did it matter?

Lyra described a glowing aura emanating from her horn and landing on the base of the mare's cock, which caused it to start growing. As the member engorged itself further, Lyra told the mare to lean over Candy Ass and hold her down.

"Don't let her slip away," Lyra said, "Keep a tight grip." Bon Bon made choking sounds to simulate the length of the engorged cock traveling up her throat. The mare held Candy Ass until the spell was finished. Her cock stopped growing once it reached a ridiculous three feet in length.

The mare's yard-long penile python had entered Candy Ass's tight back door and emerged on the other side, poking out of her mouth.

"Your knob is stopping Candy Ass from closing her jaw," Lyra said, "Her eyes are bugging out and she's drooling. The shape of her entire body has conformed to the size of your dick." Lyra said that it was impossible, but somehow Candy Ass was still alive through all of this abuse. Bon Bon made pathetic sputtering and gurgling sounds.

"Candy Ass," Lyra said, reproachfully, "How many times have I told you to not talk with your mouth full?" Bon Bon shot her marefriend a scolding look. Lyra then described the actions of the caller pumping Candy Ass up and down on her cock.

"You sit down as her body contours to every vein and wrinkle of your hot shaft," Lyra said, "Every time you pull out, your knob retracts down her throat and she's able to close her mouth. When you push forward, your cock head presses against the back of her teeth and forces her mouth open." Based on the moans and groans of the client, Lyra and Bon Bon could tell she was reaching her peak.

"Your body is mine! Mine!" the caller screamed manically to Bon Bon as she came, "YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE ME!" The mare gave an orgasmic scream as Bon Bon gave a muffled shout. Lyra got excited and started to describe the climax of their caller's cock.

"Your first blast of cum fires directly out of Candy Ass's open mouth and splatters with terrific force against the far wall," Lyra said, "Wanting her to savor your seed as well, you pull out half of your cock out, so that your knob is back in Candy Ass's belly. You pump load after load directly into her stomach, causing it to swell." Bon Bon has an unpleasant flashback to their previous job at the local sperm bank, but she decided not to dwell on it. Now that her mouth was clear, Bon Bon was free to talk again.

"I can feel your hot, salty jizz filling my belly," Bon Bon said, "There's too much for me to hold! I can feel it moving up my..." Bon Bon's sentence was cut off as she started to gurgle. Lyra described the sheer amount of pony paste in Candy Ass was too much for her to contain. Her sweaty form twitched spastically as the excess cum flowed out of her mouth. The cock head left Candy Ass's rear with a loud pop. Her gaping sphincter was ruined beyond any hope of recovery as sticky jizz spilled out of it.

"Your copious amounts of semen pour out of her ass and mouth as her body struggles to regain its normal shape," Lyra said, "You leave her looking more like a broken condom than a pony. She is the latest conquest for your monstrous, three-foot-long, throbbing cock."

"Woo hoo," the caller said, quietly as she basked in her afterglow, "That was the best clop session I've ever... Angel Bunny?! How long have you been standing there watching me?! Ew, you got your bunny batter all over my rug!" There was a scuffle as the caller left the phone to apparently chase a rabbit. A moment later, she returned and picked up the receiver.

"I'm sorry, but I've got to go," she said, "I need to teach a naughty little rabbit a lesson about respecting mommy's private time. Thank you for playing along with me. It was fun to be so assertive, even if it was just pretend." Before they could say another word, the mare hung up the phone.

Lyra and Bon Bon sat there for a moment. Neither of them knew what to say. Bon Bon remembered her attempt to get some alone time with Lyra. She seductively walked over to her marefriend and nuzzled her neck.

"You were great," Bon Bon said to her marefriend, "So creative. You really brought her fantasy to life."

"What about you?" Lyra asked, "You were pretty great yourself. My descriptions would have rang hollow without your vulgar sounds backing them up." Bon Bon blushed. She was about to lean in for a kiss, when the phone rang. The frustrated mare watched as Lyra answered the call. It was the second time tonight Bon Bon had been vulva blocked.

"Welcome to Frisky Fillies," Lyra said, "Where the elite meet to beat their meat. G-String, your sex queen, speaking. Chatterbox ain't here... oh, hello, Chatterbox." Bon Bon looked up, surprised. Why was their boss calling them? She waited anxiously for Lyra to finish the conversation.

"Uh huh. Uh huh," Lyra said, "I think we can do that... No. I'm sure it will be great for business... Alright. Thanks for calling. Bye." Bon Bon stared at Lyra, as though her marefriend's expression held a clue as to what was going on. Unable to decipher it on her own, Bon Bon broke the silence.

"What's going on?" Bon Bon asked.

"Chatterbox arranged for us to appear on a raunchy radio program to talk about our careers," Lyra said, "She feels the exposure could really give Frisky Fillies a boost in business."

"What's the program?" Bon Bon asked.

"The Howie Tern Show," Lyra replied, ominously.

Five Flashback Fillies

In less than twenty four hours, Lyra and Bon Bon left Ponyville and boarded a red-eye train leaving for Equestria's capital city. They needed to travel overnight if they wanted to arrive in time for the broadcast. On the long ride to Canterlot, the two marefriends sat in silence, trying to doze off. In spite of their efforts, neither of them could fall asleep. Lyra was too nervous to rest as she sat there with her heart pounding in her chest. Bon Bon was concerned for her marefriend and tried to comfort her.

"Nervous?" Bon Bon asked, as she listened to Lyra's erratic heartbeat.

"We're about to go on a broadcast with the most misogynistic chauvinist in all of radio," Lyra said, "How are you not nervous?" Bon Bon nuzzled up to her marefriend and kissed her on the cheek.

"Because I'm with you," Bon Bon said, "You know just what to say in stressful situations. Remember when we met for the first time?" Lyra smiled and stared off into the distance as she reflected on their past.

Bon Bon had moved to Canterlot with her parents when she was a little filly. Her mother and father were renowned chefs who had come to Canterlot to teach haute cuisine at the Canterlot Culinary Institute. Bon Bon had acquired her cutie mark that same summer and was eager to attend her new middle school in the fall.

During her first day of classes, Bon Bon found it hard to be accepted by the other students, because she was the only non-unicorn in the class. She felt self-conscious as the other fillies and colts stared at her hornless head like she was some kind of freak. They told unicorn superiority jokes in class, just loud enough for Bon Bon to hear.

"Why do non-unicorn parents have such bad breath?" one student whispered loudly.

"I give up," the other unicorn said, "Why?"

"You'd have bad breath too if you had to change diapers with your mouth." the colt replied, smiling as he glanced at Bon Bon. The ponies giggled quietly at her as she blushed and shrunk down in her seat, trying to act like she didn't hear them.

In the following days, Bon Bon was picked on and teased with increasing regularity. The other students mocked her for being a 'dumb earth pony who couldn't do magic.' After a particularly tough day of name-calling, the distraught filly went home and cried. That night she told her earth pony parents that she hated her school and wanted to move back to their old home.

"Everypony picks on me because I can't do magic," Bon Bon sobbed. She cried into her mother's lap as the mare gently stroked her daughter's mane.

"They're wrong, you know," Bon Bon's mother said, "You can do magic." Bon Bon looked up at her mother, confused.

"Look at your cutie mark," the mother said, "It represents your love of sharing sweet surprises. It's just like those knock knock jokes you enjoy telling. Whether it's through your good food or your good humor, you have a talent for making ponies feel good through unexpected, selfless acts." Bon Bon smiled as her mother wiped away her tears.

"You have a magic that those unicorns don't," the mare said, "You know how to take a recipe and make it taste sweeter than ever. Your bonbons are memorable because you surprise ponies with unexpected flavors. It takes real magic to do that." Bon Bon cried some more, but not out of sadness. She hugged her mother tightly and told her how much she loved her.

"Thanks mommy," Bon Bon said, happily.

The next day Bon Bon brought a tray of her hoof-crafted bonbons to school to share with her classmates. Food wasn't allowed during school, so Bon Bon waited until after class to share her treats. When the school day had ended, Bon Bon stayed behind until all the other children ran outside to wait for their parents. When she was alone, Bon Bon collected her books in her saddlebag and clutched a covered tray of bonbons in her mouth. She trotted outside happily, remembering what her mother had said.

"I have magic," Bon Bon thought, confidently. The filly walked towards her class to share her treats, when her path was suddenly blocked by three little unicorns named Baubles, Bangles and Beads. Out of all her classmates, these three were the most vehement in their insults.

"Well, if it isn't Non Bon, the non-icorn," Baubles said, "What cha' got in your mouth, Non Bon?" Bon Bon blushed. She was determined to show these bullies that she was just as capable as them. She set the tray down and stood her ground.

"I can do magic," Bon Bon said, defiantly. The three unicorns burst out laughing.

"Earth ponies can't do magic!" Bangles said, derisively, "Where's your horn?"

"I don't need a horn," Bon Bon said, proudly, "My parents taught me a special magic. It's called haute cuisine!" The three fillies stared at her blankly.

"What's hoet kwazeen?" Beads asked.

"The art of fine cooking," Bon Bon said nonchalantly before lifting the cover of the tray off with her mouth. The jeers of her classmates were suddenly silenced as they looked at the tray filled with delectable confections. Bon Bon's father had taught her that with haute cuisine, presentation was half the battle. Bon Bon clearly took his advice to heart, because her chocolates were immaculate. They were spaced on the tray equally and each one was drizzled with a different syrup or icing. A small amount of dew-like moisture formed on the chocolate shell, causing the confections to glisten in the afternoon sun.

Bon Bon encouraged the fillies to try one of her treats. Unable to resist the allure of free sweets, the unicorns each levitated a bonbon with their horns and took a bite. Bon Bon's happy smile turned to a look of devastated disappointment as the fillies scrunched up their noses and spat the desert onto the ground. The three fillies expressed how nasty the chocolates were. Bon Bon was crushed and started to cry.

A few moments earlier, a punishment was being exacted on a student in the next grade above Bon Bon. A unicorn with a lyre cutie mark was staying after class and levitating a piece of chalk against a blackboard. She had to write on the board one hundred times "humans don't exist." Her teacher sat at her desk grading papers as she made sure the filly completed her punishment.

"Lyra Heartstrings," Ms. Slide Rule said, disappointingly, "Ever since you set hoof in my class, I knew there was something queer about you. I will never understand your obsession with humans. They are nothing but myths and nopony in this school will tolerate your conspiracy theories regarding them." Lyra pressed the chalk hard into the board as she spelled out the words. She imagined that the front end of the chalk was Ms. Slide Rule's head and she was rubbing her teacher's face off with every letter. It was the little things that helped Lyra get through detention.

"Some days I think that your cutie mark has less to do with your musical talents and more to do with your bad habit of harping on issues nopony cares about," Ms. Slide Rule said, "If you don't cease these flights of fancy, you're never going to find a nice young stallion to marry you." Lyra shot her teacher a dirty look.

"Or if I really wanted stallions to avoid me all together, I should just become a spinstery schoolmare." Lyra said loud enough for her teacher to hear. Ms. Slide Rule's face turned crimson. She looked angry enough to swear, but she didn't say anything. She levitated the papers she was grading and trotted briskly for the door. As she was leaving, she told Lyra to add another one hundred lines to her punishment. Ms. Slide Rule slammed the classroom door behind her as she left. Lyra smiled.

Now that the teacher was gone, Lyra levitated up three more pieces of chalk and began writing her sentences four lines at a time. Her punishment was interrupted by the sound of crying coming from outside. Lyra went over to the window and saw a cream-colored earth pony hanging her head down and crying, while three unicorns taunted her. Setting the chalk pieces down, Lyra went outside to stop the bullying,

"We should've known an earth pony couldn't make anything good," Beads said. Bon Bon sat silently with her head down. Her lip was trembling and her eyes were filled with tears. Suddenly, Bon Bon saw a shadow on the ground that stopped between her and the bullies. She looked up and saw that it was a unicorn filly from the next grade.

"What are you three doing?" Lyra asked angrily. She hated anypony who bullied others, especially those who were different, "Why are you picking on the new filly?"

"Because her bonbons suck," Baubles said. The other two unicorns echoed her sentiments. Lyra commented that the chocolates looked delicious and asked the unicorns what was so bad about them.

"The chocolate is fine, but she ruined it by filling it with nasty stuff," Bangles said.

"Like what?" Lyra asked. The three fillies answered Lyra's question simultaneously, but each one gave a different answer.

"Gross coconut," Baubles said.

"Yucky caramel," Bangles said.

"Nasty nougat," Beads said.

The three unicorns looked at each other in surprise. Clearly they thought that all of Bon Bon's chocolates were the same. It hadn't occurred to them that each one had a unique and distinctive filling. Moreover, they were surprised to learn what flavors their friends didn't like.

"What's wrong with chocolate and caramel?" Baubles asked Bangles, "I think they go great together."

"I like the taste of coconut," Beads said to Baubles.

"And nougat is my favorite!" Bangles said to Beads.

Lyra smiled as she looked at the three sheepish fillies, who were still levitating their half-eaten bonbons.

"It sounds to me like you three should trade chocolates," Lyra said, smirking. Baubles, Bangles and Beads gave their bonbon to the filly who wanted it. Once they had their preferred flavors, they each took a bite.

"Mmmmm!" the three fillies said as they chewed happily. While they were still enjoying their treat, Lyra spoke to the humbled bullies.

"Not everypony is going to like the same thing, and that's okay," Lyra said, "What leaves a bad taste in your mouth just might be another pony's favorite flavor." Lyra held out her hoof and helped Bon Bon stand up. She listened intently as Lyra continued to speak.

"You shouldn't judge somepony just because she looks different from you or likes different things," Lyra said, "If somepony wants to fill their bonbon with something you don't like, you shouldn't try to stop them from enjoying it. Bonbons aren't meant to be filled with the same thing every time. That's what makes them special." Bon Bon blushed. It would be years before she fully understood what these feeling she had for Lyra were.

Baubles, Bangles and Beads apologized for bullying Bon Bon and thanked her for the treats. The three unicorns then ran off to their parents, who had come to take them home. Bon Bon put the lid back on her treats. She brushed back her curly hair with her fore-hoof.

"Thanks for sticking up for me," Bon Bon said, bashfully, "It's tough when you're different and everypony thinks you look weird."

"Don't let those neighsayers get you down," Lyra said, "Ponies are like bonbons. The inside is what really matters. If your heart is half as sweet as your chocolates look, then you're gonna make somepony very happy someday." Lyra and Bon Bon stared into each other's eyes as the autumn leaves fell around them.

"We haven't been properly introduced," Bon Bon said, "My name's Bon Bon."

"How appropriate," Lyra said, chuckling, "I'm Lyra Heartstrings, but my friends just call me Lyra."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Lyra," Bon Bon said.

"Likewise," Lyra responded. Bon Bon asked Lyra if they could play together during recess tomorrow. Lyra explained that she was still a grade above Bon Bon.

"The only way we can have classes and recess together is if I get held back a grade," Lyra said.

"That can be arranged," a gruff voice said behind the two fillies. Lyra quickly turned around. Standing behind her was the school principal, Mr. Academia. He stared at Lyra, looking cross with her. Beside the principal stood Ms. Slide Rule. Her eyes were red and puffy, as though she'd been crying.

"You were on thin ice before, Heartstrings," Mr. Academia said gruffly, "but making your teacher cry and skipping out on your detention just earned you a trip to my office. Follow me."

"Yes, sir," Lyra said, glumly. Bon Bon was too shocked to speak as the Lyra was led away by Mr. Academia and Ms. Slide Rule. Bon Bon was about to call out to them and tell them to stop, but at that moment, her parents arrived to pick her up.

"How was class?" Bon Bon's mother asked, "Did everypony enjoy your treats?"

"Today was great," Bon Bon said distractedly as she watched Lyra head inside the school, "I actually made a new friend today. Can we play together before dinner?" Bon Bon's parents smiled at each other. They said it would be alright as long as she was careful. Having received her parent's permission, Bon Bon ran inside the school to find her new friend.

Lyra was already in the principal's office, so Bon Bon waited outside the door with her books and leftover bonbons. She gave some of her treats to the teachers and janitors who passed down the hall. An hour later, Lyra emerged from the principal's office; her cheeks were stained with tears. She looked to her right and saw that Bon Bon had stayed and waited for her. Lyra felt a warm feeling stir within her. Bon Bon pushed her tray of treats in front of her friend. Lyra sniffed back tears as she levitated one of the chocolates to her mouth and took a bite.

"Mmmm," Lyra said, "Peanut butter. My favorite."

Lyra walked Bon Bon back to her house so she could make it in time for dinner. As they walked, they talked about their favorite things and the events of the day.

"I still can't believe those three fillies were giving you a hard time over your bonbons," Lyra said, "They're delicious!"

"It's a good thing they didn't try the booger or earwax-filled ones," Bon Bon said, solemnly. Lyra stared at her new friend, growing slightly concerned. Bon Bon calmly stared at Lyra, before the earth pony's face slowly broke out into a smile.

"Gotcha!" Bon Bon said, teasingly. Lyra and Bon Bon both burst out laughing as they continued to walk down the leaf-strewn path.

Back in the present, Lyra let out a sigh as she and Bon Bon relived a shared memory together. Lyra did end up having to repeat a grade, which worked out fine, because it allowed her and Bon Bon to spend more time together. Adversity brought them closer together and allowed them to discover the feelings they had for one another. All of their previous misadventures had brought them to this point; a showdown with a griffin who had made a career out of being a grade school bully on the radio. In spite of her earlier nervousness, Lyra soon fell asleep, resting her head on Bon Bon's. The earth pony gave a contented sigh as she also drifted off to dreamland. The two mares rested peacefully as the train pushed on through the night.

It was morning by the time the train pulled into Canterlot station. Before they could get to the city, Lyra and Bon Bon had to navigate through a sea of morning commuters who came from Manehattan and Fillydelphia. The morning air was abuzz with commerce as shopkeepers sold their goods to busy ponies. Bon Bon's nose filled with the sweet smell of fresh-baked pastries. She was tempted to get one, but the clock was ticking and they had an appointment to keep.

As they stepped out onto the streets of Canterlot, Lyra was hit by a wave of nostalgia. Canterlot was her old trotting grounds and she was amazed by how much the city had grown in the few short years since she moved to Ponyville. New, larger buildings towered over the skyline she remembered from her youth. Fortunately for Lyra, the streets hadn't changed. She had walked the roads of Canterlot countless times and felt confident enough to traverse them with her eyes closed.

Fortunately for her, Bon Bon was there to stop the headstrong mare from walking blindly into traffic. Bon Bon tugged on Lyra's tail to prevent her from trotting headlong into an oncoming cart. After a couple more near misses, Lyra stopped outside the Canterlot Broadcasting System building. She opened her eyes and looked up.

"I told you I could find this place blindfolded!" Lyra said, boastfully. Bon Bon shot her marefriend a reproachful look and snorted. Bon Bon eventually glanced up at the intimidating building. The top floor is where they needed to go for their interview. Taking deep, calming breaths, Lyra and Bon Bon walked inside.

The Howie Tern Show was broadcasted through Ursa Satellite Radio. Its mascot was a side profile of an Ursa Minor with a star for its eye. As Lyra and Bon Bon stepped off the elevator, they walked down the semi-lit hallway to where Howie Tern recorded his broadcasts.

Once they stepped inside, Lyra and Bon Bon gazed around Howie Tern's studio. It looked more like a nightclub than the set of a professional radio griffin. The room was was bathed in dim blue, purple and green lights. There were neon signs of stars and lightning bolts that overlaid a painting of Howie Tern. On the far wall was a framed poster form his biographical movie. The griffin stood behind a suggestively-placed tower of Canterlot castle. The film's tagline said, "Never has a griffin done so much with so little."

Howie Tern was a gaunt griffin with a skinny neck and yellow claws. The feathers on his face were white and he wore tinted glasses that rested on the bridge of his yellow beak. He also had long, black feathers which hung down like hair and covered the sides and back of his head. Howie's griffin fur was charcoal-black and his wings were the same pitch-black color as the feathers that drooped down atop his head.

When the mares walked in, the griffin was sitting behind his desk, which had three computer monitors on it. They served as a makeshift fence between him and his guests. Beside the monitors was a console with all manner of knobs, dials and buttons. Some were there to adjust the mic settings or to take calls. Other buttons contained crude, obscene or humorous sound files which Howie would employ throughout his broadcast whenever he felt they were needed.

Howie acknowledged the mares' presence as he took a sip of coffee. Still slurping from his cup, the griffin gestured for them to come closer. Lyra and Bon Bon sat on red, velvet pillows that were reserved for Howie's guests. As they sat, Lyra and Bon Bon looked around and took in more of their surroundings.

Behind Howie were several shelves filled with his collection of booze. Row after row of various kinds of liquor sat there, unopened. Above the bottles he displayed his black electric guitar. On one shelf he had a hockey mask with a bill on it that was especially designed for griffins. Other various items were littered about the studio, all of which Howie had acquired during his infamous career as a shock jock. Lyra and Bon Bon braced themselves in nervous anticipation as they waited for the interview to begin.

The mares jumped as the studio door opened behind them and another griffin entered the studio. This one was female, with brown fur and wings. The feathers on her head were off-white and speckled black. Her beak and claws had the color and texture of onyx stone. She locked the door behind her and walked up to Lyra and Bon Bon. The griffin introduced herself as Robin Quillers, Howie's on-air sidekick.

Using her claws, she adjusted the mics in front of Lyra and Bon Bon to make sure they were at the appropriate height. Lyra stared hypnotically at the griffin's talons as she turned the little knobs with ease. Lyra licked her lips hungrily. Bon Bon noticed this and jabbed Lyra in the sides.

"What?" Lyra whispered defensively.

"I caught you staring at her claws," Bon Bon whispered, perturbed.

"It's not like it was a sexual thing," Lyra said, quietly, "Well, not entirely... I'm just fascinated, is all."

"You should be careful what you wish for," Bon Bon said, passively, "Those claws look razor sharp and would probably make mincemeat of your marehood."

"Yeah," Lyra said, absentmindedly, as she watched Robin give Howie a 'thumbs up' sign. The female griffin then walked away from the mares and took a seat behind her own mic. Lyra felt her mouth go dry as the radio show started.

One Wrong Tern

Three pegasi stallions worked in the studio as Howie's production team. There was a blue one with a black mane named Breakbumper, a green one with a cream-colored mane named Soundbite and black one with a shaved mane named News Ticker.

Breakbumper's cutie mark was a musical note with sound waves emanating from it. Soundbite had a silver microphone as his cutie mark. News Ticker's cutie mark depicted a radio tower with circular sound waves emitting from the top of the tower.

The three stallions were sealed away in a soundproof booth making last minute preparations. News Ticker gestured to Howie that they were starting the broadcast as the show's introduction began.

"Ursa Satellite Radio proudly presents an acclaimed author, film star and television personality," Soundbite said, in a booming voice, "The king of all media. Celestia's gift to radio, the very horny, Mr. Howie Tern!" An instrumental theme song played, which utilized lots of drums and guitars. When it concluded, Howie greeted his listeners.

"I'm broadcasting to you live from my gilded cage high above downtown Canterlot; birthplace of magical unicorn farts," Howie said, smirking, "No seriously, I love living in Canterlot. I feel like I belong here, even though I'm a griffin. Why? Because I fit right in with all the other horny little bastards." Robin put on her headset and turned on her mic.

"Beside me is my partner in crime, Robin Quillers," Howie said, briskly, "Say hi, Robin."

"Hi," Robin said, bemused.

"That's enough," Howie interjected, cutting her off, "I also have with me in the studio today a couple of call girls known as Candy Ass and G-String. These two mares are here courtesy of the Frisky Fillies phone sex hotline and they give a whole new meaning to the phrase 'reach out and touch someone.' For you unwashed masses out there, that basically means they're hookers who are too lazy to get off their asses and stand on the street corner." Bon Bon's mouth hung open in shock. Lyra put her hoof on her marefriend's chin in order to close it. Howie continued his rant.

"It's a testament to the poor shape of the economy." the shock jock said, "When the prostitutes are literally phoning in their performances, the sex industry as we know it has really gone down the crapper." To accentuate his point, Howie pushed a button that made a loud toilet flush sound. Lyra and Bon Bon stared at him angrily as Howie bombarded them with questions.

"So let me ask you this, fillies," Howie said, "Where do you take your calls? In your bed? On the sofa? Underneath a stallion?" Lyra and Bon Bon tried to answer, but their shock made it difficult to articulate the words.

"Have you ever serviced a caller when you were taking a dump?" Howie asked the mares, who were too stunned to respond, "I bet you had to moan pretty loud to cover up those obnoxious, wet hay farts." The griffin then pressed two buttons simultaneously. One was of erotic feminine moaning, while the other consisted of various fart sound effects.

"Oh yeah!" (pfft pfft) "Oh more!" (pppffffrrrrrrrrrrrt) "Ohhhh... give it to me, baby!" (PBBBTT!) Bon Bon was so mortified, her face turned crimson. Lyra looked over at the booth and saw the pegasi stallions all doubled over in silent giggles. Lyra furrowed her brow. She was determined to defend the integrity of her work.

"Our job as fantasy sculptors is to create a vision that ceases to be fake in the mind of the caller," Lyra said, proudly, "We bring their desires to life as mental artists."

"Oh please," Howie said, dismissively, "Your callers just want to pretend their pinups are talking back to them while they jerk off." Lyra closed her mouth and took a deep breath. She wasn't about to get into an argument with him about this on his show. That's exactly what Howie wanted.

"And speaking of jerking off," Howie said, as he pressed a button that played the sounds of a male grunting and straining before a loud splattering noise was heard, "Let's talk about strange fetishes."

"Some of you may remember our coverage of Arborcon last year," Howie said, "Thousands of tree-fags, all in costume, who claim to be sexually-aroused by plants. You could tell deep down they were all ashamed to be seen in public like that. The one pegasus we interviewed was almost too embarrassed to speak about her tree-sona. The only reason she gave for being there was because she'd 'like to be a tree.'"

"She did send you a t-shirt from the event," Robin reminded Howie, "The one that said 'I got wood at Arborcon.'"

"Okay, that was pretty funny," Howie said, "If there's one thing I can say to the tree-fags' credit, at least most of them seem to be in on the joke. The same cannot be said for the group we're going to talk about today." Lyra shifted in her seat uncomfortably. She knew where this was going.

"When we sent someone to cover Arborcon last year, I thought that would be the most nebbish set of schmendriks we would ever cover on this show," Howie said, "Brother, was I wrong. The tree-fags can't hold a candle to the meshuggeneh shlemiels who call themselves human-lovers. There's an inordinate amount of ponies out there jerking off to hairless figments of their imagination and they treat it completely seriously." Lyra stared daggers into Howie as he spoke, while adjectives describing the radio host echoed repeatedly in her head.

"Racist, sexist, bigot, homophobe, chauvinist, misogynist," Lyra thought. Bon Bon rested a hoof on her marefriend's lap, trying to calm her down.

"Did you know that Equestrian Families United supports the human-lovers?" Howie asked Robin. Lyra looked confused.

"Really?" Robin said, "Those nutjobs like the human-lovers? I thought they hated everybody." Lyra was concerned that she and Atomic Faith might have some common ground now. The concept of a shared interest between them worried her.

"Yeah," Howie said, jokingly, "They see being a human-lover as a way to abstain from ever having sex with a partner." Howie played a rim shot sound effect as Lyra furrowed her brow, realizing his remark was just another jab taken at her group's expense.

"In order to compensate for their inability to get laid, human-lovers do a lot of masturbating," Howie said, "So much so that they have a code word that they use when jerking off to human porn. Everyone knows that 'clopping' is pony slang for masturbation. Well, the human-lovers have an equivalent slang word called 'fapping.'"

"Fapping?" Robin asked, dubiously.

"It's the sound they imagine humans would make when pleasuring themselves." Howie explained, "The fappers are ponies who get off to sexual pictures of humans. I guess when every sentient being on the planet rejects you, the only option you've got left is jacking off to imaginary creatures."

"I am obsessed now with finding out who these ponies are and putting them behind bars or something." Robin said, concerned.

"Since we talked about fappers on the show last week, the craziest thing happened," Howie said, "I received a ton of letters from human-lovers saying how dare I smear their community."

"There's a community?!" Robin said in disbelief. Lyra did a face hoof at the griffin's ignorance.

"I don't care who you are," Howie said, "You shouldn't be obsessed with humans as an adult. I'd sooner screw a timberwolf's splintered knot hole before I got my rocks off to human porn." Howie took a sip of coffee while Robin started talking about possible explanations for the origins of human-lovers.

"Most of these ponies probably read the book series Megan's Human Adventures in Equestria when they were foals," Robin said, "I mean, before I was old enough to fly, Daring Do and the Griffin's Goblet was my favorite book. But that doesn't mean I want to dress up in costume as an adult and go to a Daring Do convention."

"I don't know," Howie said, pervily, "I think you'd look pretty hot in a tight explorers outfit. Maybe we could even give you a whip." Howie played a sound effect of a whip cracking and a moan of sexual pleasure.

"I never read the Human Adventures in Equestria series or the Daring Do books growing up," Howie said, "I did watch the Daring Do porno parody, though. It was called Daring Screw and the Island of Horny Harpies. That was some hot lesbian action, let me tell you." Lyra had kept quiet as long as she could. Brimming with rage, she interrupted Howie Tern.

"Why is Daring Do porn okay, but those who enjoy erotic human art are labeled as freaks?" Lyra asked, tersely. Howie was taken aback with his guest's sudden outburst, but he recovered quickly.

"Even as a griffin, I can appreciate a sexy pony's ass," Howie said, "Interspecial relations between Griffins and Pegasi aren't considered as taboo as they once were. The difference between porn of ponies and people is that humans don't exist. There's something wrong in the head with anyone who's turned on by those mythical meat bags." Lyra felt her rage building as Bon Bon grew more concerned for her marefriend. Howie continued on his rant by bringing up Lyra and Bon Bon's old adversary.

"You've got these conservative nutjobs like Equestrian Families United who tell us we're two steps away from the apocalypse unless the princess banishes all gays to Uranus," Howie said, "I personally think the E.F.U. are full of crap, but if they really wanted evidence that we're living in a morally-bankrupt world, they need look no further than the human-lovers. Fappers have generated the more shockingly-explicit porn in less time than any other group. Ever. That should give you an idea of the depraved minds we're dealing with here." Lyra knew that Howie was only giving half truths. In actuality, fappers only comprised a small minority of human-lovers.

"After our correspondent conducted his interviews with some fappers last week, we received a strongly-worded letter from the organizers at Humancon," Howie said, smirking, "Apparently, our reporter never got the proper press papers and was there 'illegally.' Somehow I doubt the staff would've let him in there if he tried going through the proper channels. This cult of human worshipers is hiding some dark secrets that no one else is willing to talk about. We're uncovering what Erin Bro-nett and the Canterlot News Network won't tell you."

Howie opened up an image on his computer that was drawn by some human-lovers and showed it to Robin. The image was also displayed on monitors throughout the studio, so that Lyra and Bon Bon were also able to see. The image was a well-drawn picture of Erin Bro-nett as a human. She was presented as topless woman, with her hand and her long, brown hair covering her nipples.

"This is what the fappers do to mares who say they support their freaky fetish," Howie said, "What to you say, Robin? Want to tell the fappers they're cool so they'll draw humanized porn of you?"

"I'll pass," Robin said, as she minimized the window with a disgusted look on her face, "I want to stay as far away as I can from Humancon."

"It's good that they call it a con," Howie said, "Because that's exactly what it is. The organizers are conning these ponies out of their money for a useless event. Human-lovers are like the nerds that are so socially awkward that even other nerds want to avoid them. If anything, the human fandom succeeds in making the sci-fi and comic book geeks look more socially adjusted by comparison." Howie ruffled through his papers to find the statistics from Humancon.

"More than four thousand nudnicks congregated in one place to jerk off to humans. When you hear about all these ponies getting turned on by mythical creatures intended for kids, your first impression is that all these fappers must also be blank flank fiddlers. And do you want to know what the most frightening part about Humancon was? There were foals at the convention, too!" Robin shook her head disapprovingly.

Howie opened up a photo taken by his crew at the event. There was a stallion dressed as Megan from the Human Adventures in Equestria books. He wore a blond wig in a ponytail, tied with a pink bow. He had on blue overalls with a heart on his chest and frilly ruffles around his hooves. He also wore a pink top with white frilly ruffles at the cuffs and a white collar. To complete the costume, he wore pink shoes on his hind-hooves and fake human hands over his fore-hooves. Pictured next to him was a father protectively standing next to his young daughter. The father looked disturbed by all the adults surrounding him, who were there without children.

"That's just wrong," Robin said, shaking her head.

"If a bunch of perverts who share a fetish want to get together to form a huge circle jerk, I can tolerate that," Howie said, "But when they hijack something for kids and pervert it right in front of them, that's when these fappers become menuval."

"You had some parents who went to the convention with their foals," Robin said, "And they were surrounded on all sides by these sick, sexual perverts."

"It's not true!" Lyra blurted out, "Human-lovers aren't a bunch of foal molesters!" Howie, Robin, Bon Bon and the three pegasi were all staring at Lyra. The unicorn shrunk down in her seat. Howie broke the awkward silence.

"I'll admit that as I did more research, I found out that a majority of human-lovers aren't pedofoals," Howie said, "The honest truth is, the fappers just never grew up. They are all still mental blank flanks in a state of arrested development." Lyra scowled at Howie, opening her mouth to present a doozy of a rebuttal, when she was interrupted by Robin, who interjected Howie's comments, feeling obligated to cite a positive example.

"To be fair, some human-lovers aren't fappers and actually have jobs and are productive members of society," Robin said, "There are even human-lovers among the ranks of the Canterlot Royal Guard! Some attended Humancon wearing 'Megan is best human' stickers on their armor! They're normal the rest of the week and just do the human-lover thing in their free time. What would you think, Howie, if your son had a good job and stayed productive, but was also into humans?"

"I'd prefer it if he were into petty crime," Howie said, embarrassed, as he stared at the stallion dressed as Megan.

"Let's get another perspective on this," Howie said. Lyra braced herself excitedly. Adrenaline coursed through her body as she was ready to speak and defend human-lovers everywhere. Her enthusiasm was lessened when she realized that Howie wasn't asking her opinion, but was instead going to take a call.

"Go ahead, Hayseed," Howie said, "You're on the Howie Tern show." A hick-sounding stallion replied and introduced himself.

"This is Hayseed Turnip Truck," the stallion said in his dim-witted drawl, "I listen to your show everyday while I'm washing windows. You're hilarious."

"Tell me something I don't already know," Howie said, dryly.

"Well, I'm worried my son might be one of those human-lovers you were talking about," Hayseed said, concerned, "My son's a pegasus and I've always worried about him, cause he's always been on the scrawny side. Anyways, last week I caught him drawing pictures of humans and I later found a copy of Human Adventures in Equestria under his bed."

"Have you ever caught him pleasuring himself to people porn?" Howie asked, in his usual irreverent tone.

"Thankfully not," Hayseed said, embarrassed, "He did ask me if he could go to Humancon, but after listening to your show, I'm glad I told him no."

"Would you rather have your son jerk off to humans or be a colt cuddler?" Howie asked. Hayseed gave a nervous laugh.

"Given the options, I'd rather have a son who clops to humans," Hayseed said.

"Actually, the human-lovers don't call it clopping," Howie said, correcting the father, "Ask your son if he knows what fapping is. You see, this cult of human worshipers have their own lexicon and bizarre customs." Howie then disconnected from the caller. Almost as if he'd forgotten the mares were still there, he switched his attention back to Lyra and Bon Bon.

"Thanks for being patient girls," Howie said, "I really needed to get that out of my system. Then again, that's your job, isn't it? To wait patiently while men get something out of their system?" Howie then indicated that they were done talking about Humancon and were moving on to other topics.

"Don't you want to hear our opinions on human-lovers?" Bon Bon asked, speaking for Lyra, who was doubled up with silent rage.

"Not really," Howie said, curtly, "I currently know more about fappers than I ever wanted to learn. My show has already wasted more time on these freaks than they deserve. To talk about them any more would just be beating a dead horse, if you'll pardon the expression. No, what I want to do now is refocus on you two. I ask all my female guests this. Have either of you ever slept with another mare before?"

If any question could distract Lyra from the human issue, this was it. She was about to speak, when Bon Bon leaned into her mic and answered the question.

"Not that it's any of your business," Bon Bon said, irritated, "But we happen to be in a loving relationship." Bon Bon leaned back and pulled Lyra close, with a defiant look on her face.

The three pegasi raised their eyebrows and leaned forward, pressing their noses against the glass, as though Lyra and Bon Bon were zoo animals and Howie and Robin were their handlers. A smile graced Howie's beak as the impact of Bon Bon's bombshell hit him.

"Now seems like a good time to go to commercial," Howie said, "When we come back, I'll continue my interview with these two lovely lesbian phone sex operators." As they broke for commercial, Howie looked over at the three pegasi in the booth, who were all sharing a large tub of popcorn. He gave them a sly wink.

"This is turning out better than I had hoped," Howie said, "It's like I always say, 'lesbians equal ratings.'"

"You're nothing but a loudmouth homophobe!" Lyra said, finally snapping on the griffin, "You're a bigot who makes faggot jokes and exploits lesbians by reducing us to sexual objects!" Howie smiled passive-aggressively at Lyra as she ranted.

"Save this anger for when we're on the air," Howie said, "Although, I'm surprised to hear a phone fellatio facilitator like yourself try to lecture me on sexual exploitation."

"Believe me, I'm aware of the irony," Lyra said, through gritted teeth, "This isn't about me and my marefriend. This is about you and your sexualization of all lesbians."

"I am the hero of the lesbian community," Howie said proudly, dismissing her accusations. Lyra gave a mirthless laugh and seriously considered walking away from the interview right then and there.

"I freely admit that I'm obsessed with lesbos," Howie said, "Is it so wrong to want to make lesbianism appear glamorous?"

"I remember your 'I like dykes' promotion you ran with a few years ago," Bon Bon said, unimpressed, "Not very classy, Mr. Tern."

"You only like lesbians because we turn you on," Lyra said, her body shaking with indignation, "You're especially cruel with your insults to gay males."

"I'm one of the most pro-gay media personalities in Equestria," Howie said, jovially, "Colt cuddlers love me; and it's not just for my sexy, nubile griffin body. I've said many times that if I were gay, I'd bang so many buttholes. The gays who listen to me long enough realize that beneath my jokes lies a genuine attitude of tolerance." Lyra and Bon Bon stared at the griffin, unsure of what to believe.

"Why do you think I've had the founders of Equestrian Families United on my show several times?" Howie asked, "It's not because I agree with them. I do it so they can embarrass themselves, which is a much more powerful and effective strategy than simply calling them a bunch of idiots. Those bigots are responsible for their own demise; I just provide the rope." Howie turned to the control booth and looked at the green pegasus.

"Hey, Sound Bite," Howie said, "Queue up a clip of my most recent interview with Radiant Hope." Sound Bite scrambled to find the audio file, then played it. Lyra and Bon Bon listened to the all-too familiar voice of Radiant Hope as she was interviewed by Howie Tern.

"Let me ask you this," the prerecorded Howie said, "What would you do if your daughter came to you one day and told you she was gay?"

"That wouldn't happen," Radiant Hope replied, "Being a mare muncher doesn't happen overnight. It's a concentrated effort. Queers have to work hard and focus on being gay in order to stray that far from the natural order of things." The clip ended and Howie turned back to look at Lyra and Bon Bon, who were now listening closely to what the griffin had to say.

"I've had the E.F.U. founders on several times," Howie said, "The reason why I do it is to remind my audience what buffoons they are." Robin chimed in, wanting to stick up for her friend.

"Howie treats his gay and lesbian guests with the same probing questions and lack of respect he uses with his straight guests," Robin said, "He's very supportive of gay issues, and by not treating gay guests differently, he treats them with genuine equality." It slowly dawned on Lyra and Bon Bon that shock jock Howie Tern was not the griffin they thought he was.

"You see," Howie said to the mares, "the great secret is not a question of good manners or bad manners, or any particular sort of manners, but having the same manners for everyone. The question is not whether I treat gays rudely, but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else any better." Lyra and Bon Bon nodded solemnly.

"I have a tremendous compassion for homosexuals," Howie said, in a rare moment of candor, "I feel that they are bullied and abused in our society. And I've put a lot of thought into this. They take so much crap just because they like to be with the same sex. It seems so absurd to me. It must be a terrible thing to be exposed to that kind of hatred and be hated just because of your sexuality..." Breakbumper indicated that the commercials were nearly over. Howie looked back at Lyra and Bon Bon.

"What do you say, girls?" Howie asked, "Will you stay and finish the interview?" Lyra looked at Bon Bon, who gave an encouraging nod. Lyra also nodded. Howie smiled as he put his headphones back on.

"This is Howie Tern, household name and all-around great griffin," he said, "I'm interviewing Candy Ass and G-String, two mares from the Frisky Fillies phone sex hotline. They claim to be lesbian lovers." Howie looked at the mares and smiled suggestively at them.

"It's not that I don't believe you, fillies," Howie said, "but let me see you kiss, or something. Mess around with each other so I know you're legit lesbians."

If Lyra and Bon Bon hadn't just heard the griffin's heartfelt feelings regarding homosexuality, they would've been offended by his brazen attempts to exploit their sexuality. Considering the circumstances though, Lyra and Bon Bon decided to play along.

The two lovers leaned in and kissed each other passionately on the lips. They opened wide, allowing the others to see their tongues exploring each other's mouths. Bon Bon moaned sensually as she locked lips with her marefriend. The glass in the soundproof booth was obscured by the steam generated by the three horny pegasi inside. They wiped their hooves against the glass, creating cartoon-style eye holes in the steam, which allowed them to continue watching the hot lesbians make out.

"I need more proof!" Howie said, clearly enjoying the show, "I mean, I kind of believe you, but I need more proof. One of you straddle your marefriend." Lyra leaned back slightly on the pillow, as Bon Bon got up and sat on Lyra's lap facing her. The mare's cream-colored back was facing Howie. Bon Bon used her fore-hooves to tilt Lyra's head up and kissed her on the mouth. Lyra wrapped her fore-hooves around Bon Bon's back in a sensual embrace.

"Yep, they're in love," Howie said, smiling. From where Robin was sitting, she saw the make out session from the side view.

"You should come over here, Howie," Robin said, "I've got the better view."

"I've got to stay in my seat," Howie said, using his desk to conceal his raging hardon, "I'm not in a position to get up at the moment. All I can say is, you mares are hot. You mares are so hot."

Once they started making out, Lyra and Bon Bon found it difficult to stop from going all the way. They were horny, but they weren't complete exhibitionists. After a quick make out session, Lyra and Bon Bon forced themselves to separate. They were both panting hard and their hearts were beating fast. Lyra's mane was all frazzled and Bon Bon licked her lips clean of her marefriend's saliva.

"The fact that you two are lovers and work as phone sex operators must make for an interesting relationship," Robin said to the mares, "It must be hard to separate your shared intimacy from the erotic nature of your jobs."

"It's actually pretty easy to keep our personal sex lives and our professional eroticism separate," Bon Bon said, "Although sometimes we get so turned on during a call that we'll start having sex together, while simultaniously ensuring our client's desires are fulfilled. We wouldn't still be with Frisky Fillies if we didn't enjoy performing phone sex on some level."

"What's the most bizarre fetish a caller has ever had?" Howie asked. The two mares looked at each other knowingly and smiled.

"Let me tell you about this mare who called in a couple days ago..." Lyra said.

When the show was over, Howie and Robin thanked Lyra and Bon Bon for allowing themselves to be interviewed.

"I wonder if you two would be interested in working for me," Howie said, "I'm thinking about starting a new segment on the show. I want to call it 'Tissue Time with Candy Ass and G-String.' You two would take calls and broadcast your phone sex talents across Equestria! You'd be famous! We'd even install a webcam where folks would pay big bucks to watch you two pleasure each other while you took calls." Bon Bon looked at Lyra apprehensively. Lyra acknowledged her marefriend's concern.

"Sorry Howie," Lyra said, "Thanks for the offer, but we'd prefer to work from the privacy of our home." As they turned to leave, Lyra looked back at Howie.

"Just so you know, I also happen to be a human-lover," Lyra said, proudly, "You're one of the most tolerant and empathetic griffins I've ever met, but you need to work on not judging some groups based on the fringes. Not all human-lovers are fappers."

"Are you a fapper?" Howie asked. Lyra blushed.

"No comment," Lyra said quickly as she pushed Bon Bon out the door. Howie smiled.

Eight Eproctophilic Explosions

After being featured on The Howie Tern Show, Frisky Fillies was thrust into the national spotlight. This sudden spike in popularity came as a surprise to all who worked there; especially Lyra and Bon Bon, who were the most affected.

After their interview, Lyra and Bon Bon became overnight celebrities in the phone sex industry. For the first time in years, ponies had stopped asking to talk to Chatterbox, and a majority of all calls from the main office were now being directed to Lyra and Bon Bon. Everypony wanted to talk with their phone sex personas, Candy Ass and G-String.

Once it became public knowledge that Candy Ass and G-String were lesbian lovers in real life, Lyra and Bon Bon saw an influx of mare callers who wanted to have their lesbian fantasies made real from a couple with experience.

While a majority of their new business came from mares, there were still plenty of horny stallions calling them with some kind of oddball fetish or fantasy.

Lyra and Bon Bon's phones were constantly ringing from dusk 'til dawn. They worked all night and slept during the day. They were both getting sick of the hours, but they couldn't argue with the money. Even raising their rates had failed to curb their increase of callers

It was nearly dawn and Bon Bon was on a conference call with six stallions at once, who wanted to have a bukake party. Each caller was paying a separate rate, making this Bon Bon's most profitable call of the night.

"Being surrounded by so many firm stallionhoods, I feel like I've died and gone to cock heaven!" Bon Bon said gleefully, as she imitated the sounds of fellatio for her callers, "Mmmm... your dicks feel so warm inside my mouth."

"I'm cumming!" one of the stallions said, unable to contain himself further.

"Yes! Cum on me!" Bon Bon begged, emphatically, "Paint my face with your creamy jizz!" The stallions groaned as one by one they shot their wads, as they imagined their ejaculate landing all over the pretty mare.

"Oh, your hot, sticky cum got in my mane and all over my face," Bon Bon said, erotically, "Fortunately, facials are good for one's complexion. As a way of saying thank you, let me lick your cocks clean before you go." Bon Bon then made slurping and sucking noises to further pleasure her six callers as they basked in their respective afterglows.

While that was going on, Lyra was talking with two mares on different lines at the same time. It wouldn't have been so difficult, except one was a sadist, while the other was a masochist and Lyra was having a difficult time keeping the calls straight.

"Oh yes mistress! Please whip me!" Lyra said, "Your G-String has been a very naughty filly and deserves to be punished!"

"First I'll put this ball gag in your mouth," the mare said.

Lyra made a choking sound as the sadist described how she was tightening the gag around G-String's mouth. Lyra listened to the caller crack her whip and call G-String a "dirty slut," before Lyra switched over to the other line, where her masochist caller was waiting.

"Now where were we slave?" Lyra said, changing her tone to sound stern.

"After you put the clips on my nipples, you said you were going into the backroom to get your largest strap-on," the submissive mare said, as she winced through the pain of the nipple clips.

"And so I have," Lyra said, remembering her place in this scenario, "When I finish with your ass, you'll walk funny for a week, you disgusting piece of filth." The masochist moaned in anticipation of the imminent rough sex.

"While I'm adjusting the straps of this dildo, I don't want to hear a word out of you, so keep your trap shut," Lyra said, forcefully, "Do you hear me, slave?!"

"Yes mistress," the caller said, "I'll be quiet."

Now that Lyra had bought herself some time, she switched back over to the first line, just as the sadist was finishing her whipping.

"Now I'll remove the ball gag so my slave may properly thank me for her whipping." the first mare said. Lyra gasped for breath as the caller described the gag being removed.

"Thank you for punishing me, mistress," Lyra said panting, "What are we going to do now?"

"I'm going to rub your worthless ass raw with this monster dildo," the sadist said, "Sit there and don't speak until I put it in." The first caller groaned with pleasure as she slowly inserted one end of the large dildo inside herself and began to move it in and out. She wanted to savor the moment and make her slave wait before she inflicted more pain on her.

"Yes, mistress. I won't speak," Lyra said, before quickly switching back to the second channel.

"Mistress, are you there?" the masochist asked, "Please don't leave me. I need to be punished." Lyra was about to respond, when the first mare spoke up.

"Slave! I told you not to speak!" the sadist said, angrily. Lyra's eyes went wide as she realized that she had accidentally switched her headset to conference call mode, allowing her two callers to hear each other. Fortunately, the sadist and the masochist with both so invested in their respective scenarios that neither of them realized that they weren't talking to G-String anymore. Not wanting to reveal to her callers what was going on, Lyra decided to let things play out for as long as possible.

"I'm sorry, mistress!" the masochist said, "I promise I won't speak!"

"Such insolence!" the sadist said, in a gleeful rage, "Now you're just begging to be punished!" The sadist described the rough way in which the dildo slid into the masochist's ass.

In their respective homes, the sadist continued to drive her long dildo deeper inside her pussy, while the masochist rubbed her clit as she shoved a thick dildo up her ass.

"Your ass is starting to bleed," the sadist said, eagerly.

"It hurts so much!" the masochist said, happily, "More more! I'm cumming!"

"You'll do no such thing!" the sadist said, "You're not allowed to cum before me!"

"I'm sorry, mistress," the masochist replied.

Lyra was quite entertained as she listened to both mares pleasure themselves before climaxing at the same time.

"Thanks G-String. That was amazing," both callers said in unison as they enjoyed their respective orgasms. Before either of them could figure out what was going on, Lyra interjected and ended the calls.

"Happy to help," Lyra said quickly, "Thank you for calling Frisky Fillies. Remember to ask for G-Sting for all your S&M needs." Lyra then quickly disconnected from both callers and let out an exasperated sigh.

"That was too close," Lyra thought, looking over at Bon Bon, "Taking separate calls at the same time is too much work. I need to arrange more bukake parties, like Bon Bon. That's where the real money is made."

Once Bon Bon finished her conference call, she walked over to Lyra and cuddled with her on the couch as they watched the sun rise over the hills together.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Bon Bon asked, as she watched the sun's rays creep over their windowsill and into their home. Lyra responded with a snore. Bon Bon looked up to discover that her marefriend had fallen asleep while sitting up on the couch. Lyra's head drooped, as she had exhausted herself after another long night of constant calls. Bon Bon smiled and removed Lyra's headset. She then removed her own headset and turned them both off, allowing them to charge up before tonight.

Bon Bon then walked over to the blinds and lowered them, preventing the bright rays of the sun from waking up Lyra. Walking into their bedroom, Bon Bon grabbed a couple of fluffy quilts and a downy pillow and dragged them over to Lyra. Bon Bon wrapped her marefriend up in a quilt and propped the pillow behind her head. She gave Lyra a kiss on the cheek before resting her head on her marefriend's lap. Bon Bon wrapped her body up in the other quilt and soon drifted off to sleep herself.

When Lyra awoke, the sun was already beginning to go down.

"Evening, sleepyhead," Bon Bon called out jovially from their kitchen as Lyra looked around blearily and rubbed her eyes.

"I didn't mean to sleep all day," Lyra said, as she stretched before throwing the quilt off of her.

"It's all right," Bon Bon said, as she plugged in their blender, "While you were sleeping, I went to the market and bought some groceries."

Talking for twelve hours each night was rough on their throats. In order to help preserve their moneymakers, Lyra and Bon Bon took careful steps to ensure their vocal chords remained strong.

One way they achieved this was by consuming lots of pineapple and honey, which were both known for their abilities to heal and strengthen sore throats.

Bon Bon filled half of the blender with ice, then added a cup of pineapple juice. Next, she filled the top half of the blender with pineapple chunks, before closing the lid and turning it on.

If Lyra hadn't of already been awake, this certainly would've woken her up, as the blender made a loud noise as it ground up the ice for the smoothies. Once things were more mixed, Bon Bon removed the lid and squirted in a generous amount of honey, before turning the blender back on.

When the pineapple and honey smoothies were ready, Bon Bon poured their drinks into two cups and carried them over to Lyra on a tray, which Bon Bon kept clutched in her mouth. Setting it down on the table, Bon Bon happily announced that dinner was served.

"Don't you mean breakfast?" Lyra asked flippantly as she levitated her smoothie over and took a sip through a straw. Lyra was growing tired of her job. It seemed like thankless work. Their callers never seemed to realize how much effort it took for her and Bon Bon to be sexy all the time.

The two mares sat quietly for a moment and enjoyed their throat-strengthening smoothies. The silence was soon broken by their ringing phones.

"A call?" Bon Bon said, surprised, "Already? It's not even night yet."

"Libidos aren't like the tides or marewolves," Lyra said, psyching herself up for the call, "They're not controlled by the moon. Horniness can strike at any time, day or night; and when it does, we'll be there to satisfy those carnal urges." Setting her smoothie on the table, Lyra grabbed her headset and switched it on. Bon Bon let out an disgruntled sigh as she moved Lyra's cup onto a coaster, which was mere inches away from where Lyra had set her cup down.

"Hello," Lyra said, "Welcome to Frisky Fillies, where the elite meet to beat their meat. G-String speaking, how may I serve you?"

"Hello," the caller said, in a proper Trottingham accent, "I came across your advert in the Canterlot Times and Seasons. Is it true that you'll bring any fantasy to life?"

"If you can think it, we can kink it," Lyra said, quoting their motto.

"Terif," the mare said, excitedly.

"What did you have in mind?" Lyra asked.

"Well," the caller said, apprehensively, "I've always fancied my roommate. I can't help being attracted to her, even though we're as different as Celestia and Luna."

"Well, they say that opposites attract," Lyra said, as she shot Bon Bon a sly wink. Bon Bon smiled and blew Lyra a kiss, before taking another sip of her smoothie. Eager to listen to the conversation, Bon Bon put on her headset and switched it to Lyra's channel. Bon Bon also made sure that the mic on her headset remained off.

"My roommate and I are certainly good friends," the caller said, "but for years I've longed to be intimate with her. Unfortunately, my headstrong roommate is as oblivious to my affections as she is to the world around her."

"So you want a romantic night of intimacy with your clueless roommate?" Lyra said, confirming the caller's desires, "I can make that happen."

"Finally," Lyra thought, "After dealing with all these freaky fetishes, it's good to cleanse one's palate with a little vanilla sex every now and then."

Lyra wished Bon Bon could have heard her make that metaphor. Bon Bon had been to finishing school, and actually knew what 'cleansing one's palate' meant. Lyra was just repeating what she heard Bon Bon talk about and knew she would've appreciated the reference.

"So, what's your roommate like?" Lyra asked the caller, "Describe her to me."

"She's a white unicorn with a blue mane, known for her trademark sunglasses," the mare said, "As far as public etiquette goes, she's an uncouth boor."

"Sounds like a real slob," Bon Bon said overtly to Lyra, as she raised an eyebrow at her marefriend, "I bet her roommate is always having to clean up after her." Lyra looked around the room at her dirty dishes that she had left siting there for days.

"I get the hint," Lyra said to Bon Bon after turning off her mike, "You're about as subtle as a steam engine." Bon Bon was about to retort, when the caller continued her description.

"My friend is confident to a fault," the caller added "She's so stubborn that some days I swear she's part mule. We're both at the top of our respective musical games, but our careers are quite different. While I can be found at garden parties and galas performing prim and proper classical music on my cello, my roommate feels more at home behind her turntables. She has little to no patience for any form of classical music or high art for that matter. Instead, she prefers the deafening noise of the 'techno beats' which accompany all of her disc jockey performances."

"I think I've got it," Lyra said, "So, here's the scenario. I come home late after a long night of DJing. I open the door to my room and find you wearing a silky negligee on my bed."

"She's the only adult I've ever seen who still sleeps in a race car bed," the caller said, disdainfully. Lyra was secretly jealous. This DJ sounded pretty cool by her standards.

"Let's see if you can't get your roommate to rev your engine," Lyra said, before slipping into character. The caller was getting excited as the fantasy was playing out exactly how she had imagined it in her head.

"What are you doing in my bed, uh... roommate," Lyra said, blanking on a name. The caller giggled.

"You can call me Tavi," the caller whispered, smiling.

"Tavi, it's late," Lyra said, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Oh, Vinyl," Tavi said, "When are you going to remove those ridiculous sunglasses of yours and see me for mare I truly am? I'm a red-blooded all-Equestrian filly with needs and desires. I've fallen in love with you, Vinyl, in spite of myself."

"I walk closer to the bed and stand beside it as you lean over to remove my sunglasses," Lyra said, "We stare into each other's eyes as the dim light of the lava lamp on my bedside table illuminates our features."

"I strip out of my negligee, but I keep the bow tie on," Tavi said, "Then, I lean in and kiss you on the lips."

"We remain locked in a passionate embrace as you slowly ease me onto the bed until I'm lying on top of you." Lyra said.

"Ooh," Tavi moaned. Lyra could tell that the caller had already begun to pleasure herself.

"I stare down at you," Lyra said, "We're both blushing from anticipation." Bon Bon felt herself becoming turned on as she listened to the erotic conversation. She took long, deliberate sips from her drink as her face began to blush. After she drank all of her smoothie, she walked back to the blender to pour herself another cup.

"Tavi, I didn't know you felt this way about me," Lyra said.

"Don't be so naive," the caller said, "You're the only mare I've ever loved."

"What are we gonna' do on the bed?" Lyra asked, coyly.

"We're going to make beautiful music together," Tavi said, passionately, "I want us to soixante-neuf!"

Lyra's eyes went wide. She had no what what a "swan tay nuff" was, but it sounded highly illegal. She looked over to Bon Bon, who had a smug expression.

"Soixante-neuf is a fancy way of saying 'sixty-nine,'" Bon Bon said, casually, "She wants you to eat her out."

"Oh," Lyra said, relieved, "Then why didn't she just say so?"

"You don't know how many lonely nights I lay in bed pleasuring myself while thinking of you," Tavi said, "When I'm on stage with my cello, all I can think about is how much I'd rather be playing your marehood like an accordion."

In her description, Lyra repositioned Vinyl's body one-hundred-and-eighty degrees until she and and Tavi were in a sixty-nine position. Tavi rubbed herself faster as Lyra vividly detailed what Vinyl was doing to her.

"I lick at your moist mound," Lyra said, "My tongue darts inside your folds as I savor some of your sweet honey." Lyra muted her mic momentarily as the description had made her thirsty. She took a long sip of her smoothie, which ended with a loud slurping sound.

"I can't believe this is finally happening," Tavi said, "I've often fantasized about surprising you while you sleep. First, I'd crawl under your covers, then lie down and start to lazily lick at your marehood. You would begin to stir uneasily as I sucked on your clitoris. Eventually, I would cause you to grunt and groan with lust in your sleep. Then I would lick you faster and faster, like a ravenous diamond dog, until your mound became a mass of slime and your body wriggled wildly." Lyra felt herself getting moist from the caller's vivid descriptions.

"If Tavi ever gets tired of the classical music scene, she could have a vibrant career as a phone sex operator," Lyra thought, "For one thing, her voice is damn sexy!"

"My darling Vinyl, whom I am trying to degrade and deprave, how on Celestia's Equestria can you possibly love a filthy thing like me?" Tavi asked, ashamedly. Lyra was determined to prove that there was nothing wrong with Tavi's feelings towards her roommate. As Lyra expressed the heartfelt desires of Vinyl, Bon Bon got a little choked up from the pure romance of it all.

"Tavi, you are my special somepony," Lyra said, looking directly at Bon Bon, "I don't know how I missed it before! You mean so much to me, and I love you in every way possible. Nopony could ever replace you in my heart. I will never let you go and I want to be with you forever and always. I love you with everything I have, and I hope you feel the same."

"Oh yes! Yes I do!" Tavi said, overjoyed, "Now fart on my face!" There was a disconnect at Lyra was certain that she had misheard that last part.

"Excuse me?" Lyra said, in stunned confusion.

"You're excused!" Tavi said enthusiastically, assuming that Lyra's use of the term was in relation to pardoning a smelly fart. Tavi sniffed the air expectantly and listened for the familiar sound of passed gas. Lyra didn't know how to react.

"I didn't hear anything," Tavi said, slightly miffed, "I guess you released a little silent but deadly? I think I can still smell it though; and is it ever deliciously rancid!"

Bon Bon and Lyra stared at each other in disbelief. Lyra wondered what had happened to the prim and proper mare she was talking dirty with a moment ago. How long had Tavi been a fart fetish fiend?

"Fart on me again!" Tavi said, "I want to hear you cut a new single from your bass cannon! One that will rattle the windows and wake the neighbors!"

Lyra didn't know how to handle this situation, but fortunately Bon Bon was able to come to her rescue. Switching on her mic, Bon Bon pressed her two fore-hooves against her cheeks and blew a big raspberry.

"Frrrppprprprprprprpffffrrrrfffft!" Bon Bon said. The caller groaned in perverse pleasure as she listened to the sound of a mare farting.

"Oh Vinyl, my sweet naughty little songbird," Tavi said, "I would know your farts anywhere. I think I could pick yours out in a room full of farting mares. Your anal acoustics end with an adorable little squeak that drives me wild. You don't produce the wet, windy farts which I imagine fat mares have. No, your sphincter whistle is sudden, dry and dirty; like the fart of a bold filly in a school dormitory at night. My one wish is for you to release a constant stream of farts on my face until my coat is permanently stained with your exquisite stink!" As bizarre as she thought it was, Lyra was determined to give the customer what she wanted, with Bon Bon providing sound effects.

"Alright my dirty filly," Lyra said, "I'll continue to lick your pussy while rubbing my sweaty buttcrack against your nose. I had an extra large cauliflower, cabbage and bean burrito for dinner; so get ready, because my farts will be the most odious things you've ever experienced." Bon Bon punctuated her marefriend's statement by making a quick series of fart sounds.

"Prrrlrppp, prrllllrppps, prrrrrppp, phurt, plorp, plorp!" Bon Bon said.

"Each short burst of flatulence that hits your face reeks of my burrito," Lyra said, "The sour stench makes your eyes burn and water; but you don't care, because you're a dirty little mare who loves to smell my farts."

"It's true!" Tavi screamed as she pleasured herself, "I am a dirty little mare! Sing for me, my farting songbird!" Somehow, Lyra knew instinctively what Tavi wanted to hear.

"Beans, beans, the musical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So let's have beans at every meal!" Lyra sang jovially. Tavi stopped masturbating long enough to applaud Lyra's singing.

"Bravo! Bravo!" Tavi said, clopping her slickened fore-hooves together, "If it's alright with you, I actually have a poem which I'd like to recite." Lyra said that she'd love to hear it

"Yesterday, though, we heard the king of farts.
It smelled as sweet as honey tarts.
While it wasn't in the strongest of voice,
It still came on as a powerful noise." Tavi said.

"What a lovely poem," Lyra said, "Who wrote it?"

"Only one of the greatest classical composers who ever lived," Tavi said, matter-of-factly, "Notes Art!" Lyra and Bon Bon looked at each other in surprise. They had no idea that Notes Art, one of Equestria's greatest musical geniuses, had a fart fetish.

"And we can't forget about Lick My Ass," Tavi said.

"Whatever you want," Lyra said, getting back into character, "I stick my tongue between your crack and..."

"No no, silly filly," Tavi said, interrupting, "Lick My Ass is the name of Notes Art's most controversial and least well known musical composition."

"Seriously?" Lyra said, "You're telling me that Notes Art, a hallmark of high culture and sophistication for more than two centuries, actually wrote a song entitled Lick My Ass?"

"He also wrote the lyrics for the piece," Tavi said, "I'll sing it to you, provided you lick my ass while I do it."

"You got it!" Lyra said, as she made slurping sounds into the phone as Tavi started to sing.

"Lick my ass nicely,
Lick it nice and clean,
Nice and clean, lick my ass.
That's a greasy desire,
Nicely buttered,
Like the licking of roast hay, my daily activity.
Three will lick more than two,
Come on, just try it,
And lick, lick, lick.
Everypony lick their ass for themselves." Tavi sang as Lyra continued making obscene licking and slurping sounds.

"Beautiful," Lyra said, "Notes Art really knew how to put the ass in classical music."

"Quite," Tavi said, "But that's enough licking. What I need now are more of your heavenly farts! Sit on my face! I want to feel your gas blasts directly on my nose!" Lyra made grunting sounds as she described Vinyl's ass hanging directly above Tavi's face.

"I sit up and use my fore-hooves to spread my butt cheeks as I plant myself on your face," Lyra said, "The weight of my body presses your nose deeper between my alabaster fat cushions as I smear your face with my greasy ass sweat." Tavi giggled giddily as she held a pillow over her face and imagined her roommate sitting on her.

"I rock back and forth, grinding my sphincter against your nose," Lyra said, "My blue tail swishes erratically as I build up to a massive fart!" Bon Bon made sound to imitate a churning stomach, before cutting loose with a large fart sound.

"FFFLLRRPRPRPRFFrrrrppppeffffftt!" Bon Bon said.

"My body spasms as a powerful, thick and utterly raunchy fart erupts right onto your face," Lyra said, "My ass cheeks ripple from the sheer force of my gas." Tavi could be heard gasping for breath as she removed the pillow. The cellist was so happy, that she was on the verge of crying tears of joy.

"Oh, my sweet little songbird," Tavi said blissfully, "The fat dirty farts which come spluttering out of your backside have made me so happy! If I could bottle it, I'd wear the scent of your gas like perfume at all times as a reminder of our love! No joy compares to hearing and smelling your filthy filly farts going 'pop pop' out of your pretty white bum." Lyra felt it was time to kick things up a notch.

"You put your soft lips against my greasy asshole," Lyra said, "I shudder as I feel your hot breath on my anus and release a steaming hot fart directly down your throat."

"Bhpphphphrrrtht," Bon Bon said. Tavi moaned as she imagined the feeling of the gas filling her throat. Her marehood was flowing freely as a result of her intense arousal.

"Your ass is quite full of farts tonight, my darling, and I brought them all out of you," Tavi said, proudly, "Big fat backdoor trumpets, long windy toot flutes, quick little merry cracks and lots of tiny little naughty malodorous melodies ending in a long gush from your hole. It's a wonderful thing to pleasure a farting mare, when every stimulation drives more farts out of her." Tavi described herself teasing Vinyl's clit with her hoof as the DJ continued to fart down the cellist's throat.

"I relax my ass muscles as a thick cloud of gas fills your mouth, which you greedily suck down," Lyra said.

"BLORT!" Bon Bon said.

"Oh, my sweet dirty little farter," Tavi said, "Fill my nose with more of your sulfur-scented symphony!"

"I move my sphincter off of your mouth and begin to rub it roughly against your nose and release a wafting gust of fetid fumes onto your face," Lyra said.

"Pppphhhhbbbt!" Bon Bon said. Tavi was in ecstasy as she desperately tried to bring herself to orgasm.

"My last blast of gas from my anal sauna is so humid that it actually makes your bow tie wilt," Lyra said, "My pussy is sopping wet and dripping its fluids onto your neck and chin."

By the way Tavi was moaning, Lyra and Bon Bon could tell she was close to cumming. Wanting to end on a high note, the two marefriends were determined to pull out all the stops for this last fart.

"THPPTPHTPHPHHPHTHPPTPHTPHPHHPH!" Bon Bon said.

"The entire room shakes with the sound of my incredible fart," Lyra said, "Its triumphant trumpeting sound can be heard throughout the neighborhood, and its aroma is nothing short of legendary. The force of my own fart sends me into convulsions and I cum hard. My orgasm splats onto your neck and drenches your bow tie in mare lube. The smell of my fart is so thick that you can actually see the greenish gas as it rushes from my ass, like a whirlwind in my bowels, and explodes straight onto your face. "

"Oh, Vinyl!" Tavi said, having been brought to the edge, "I've reached my crescendo!" The caller sang out a high note in perfect pitch as she came. Tavi relished her fart-based orgasm, but wanted to further punctuate it with the smelly gas she craved. Lyra heard a faint clicking sound, as though somepony had just picked up a telephone receiver.

"I need more!" Tavi screamed passionately, "Fart all over my face!" Bon Bon was inhaling and about to blow another huge raspberry, when she was interrupted by an unidentified voice, who had picked up a different phone in Tavi's house.

"Octavia?" the voice said, "Who are you talking to?"

"Vinyl!" Octavia shouted in horrified surprise. The mare was still riding out her orgasm as she lay spread eagle with her heart beating fast. She was glad that she had locked her door, so that her roommate couldn't walk into her room and catch her laying on her back, in a puddle of her own juices.

"I... uh..." Octavia said, blushing, "What are you doing home so early? I thought you had a performance tonight!"

"First of all, it's called a gig, not a performance," Vinyl said, "Second, my gig tonight was DJing for the 'Enchantment Under the Sea' dance at Ponyville Retirement Village; so needless to say, everypony went to bed pretty early. And thirdly, who the buck were you talking to when I picked up the phone? It sounded like you were asking them to fart on your face."

"Well, you see..." Octavia said, "What I said was..." The cellist could see her world crumbling around her. She hadn't wanted Vinyl to find out about her secret fetish like this!

"Fart on her face?" Bon Bon said, joining the conversation, "Good gracious! Is that what you thought she said? How vulgar!" Lyra and Octavia were both listening intently to Bon Bon, wondering where she was going with this.

"If she didn't say that," Vinyl said, "then what did she say?"

"She said she wanted us to fard all over her face," Bon Bon said, reassuringly, "Fard means to apply makeup. My associate and I are from Neighvon cosmetics and your roommate was just placing an order for our complete line of beauty supplies." Lyra stood amazed at Bon Bon's quick thinking. Emboldened to help their customer salvage her reputation, Lyra joined Bon Bon in order to to back up her story.

"That's right!" Lyra said, "Our products are so convenient, they enable you to fard wherever you go! We even arrange farding parties, where mares sample some of our cosmetics and take turns farding on each other!"

"Ordering makeup over the phone?" Vinyl said, sounding thoroughly convinced and repulsed, "I should've known it'd be some kind of girly nonsense."

"Some of us do try to look classy when we go out," Octavia said, secretly relieved that her fetish had been successfully concealed.

"Whatever," Vinyl said, "I just wanted to use the phone to order some take out."

"Well I'm not finished placing my order," Octavia said, "My purse is on the kitchen table. Take some money and go out and get some of that cheap fast food you enjoy."

"Alright, I'll go get a three bean burrito and broccoli shake from Taco Burro," Vinyl said, "You want anything?"

"I'll get what I want later," Octavia said, in perverse anticipation.

Vinyl hung up the phone with a click. Octavia paused until she heard her roommate go out the front door.

"Thank you so much, G-String," Octavia said, relieved, "You saved my reputation."

"Happy to help," Lyra said, "But let me introduce you to Candy Ass. She was the real one who saved the day. She's also the one who provided the farts for this phone call."

"Charmed, I'm sure," Bon Bon said.

"Well my dear," Octavia said to Bon Bon, "It would seem that your way with words is as skilled as your way with winds."

"One does try one's best," Bon Bon said, modestly, "But I have to ask, when did you first realize that you loved farts?"

"I wasn't allowed toys as a filly," Octavia said, "My parents were very strict and insisted that my studies come first. One day while I was waiting for a bus to take me home from my cello practice, I found a doll that had been left abandoned at the bus stop. It was a Fartypants doll. When you squeezed her belly, she made the most irreverent flatulence noises. Being my only toy, I kept Fartypants hidden from my parents and would play with her whenever I was alone." Octavia let out a nostalgic sigh before continuing.

"I guess in a way, farting helps me remember the carefree moments of my youth," Octavia said, "I had spent all of my young life studying music and sound, but I was most fascinated with the music produced from the anus. At first it was just the sound, but as I grew older, the smell also became enticing. Whenever a fart was released in a crowded elevator, I would lean in close while others inched away." Lyra and Bon Bon looked at each other as they listened intently to their caller's backstory.

"Even today, the brassy sounds of a tuba make me moist," Octavia said, "I love farts. They're the perfect blend of sound and smell."

"Whatever happened to your Fartypants doll?" Bon Bon asked.

"I've kept her in the same hiding spot since I was little," Octavia said, "She's tucked away safely inside my cello."

"Well, you've definitely given me a newfound respect for farts," Lyra said.

"And I have a newfound respect for your occupation," Octavia said, "It's clear to me that this isn't just a job for you. You two genuinely care about your customers and you have my sincere gratitude."

"Thank you for choosing Frisky Fillies," Lyra said, "where the customer cums first." After saying their goodbyes, Octavia hung up the phone at worked to clean up after herself before Vinyl returned.

Octavia's uplifting words were just what Lyra needed to pull her out of her funk. It was nice to know that at least some of their callers genuinely appreciated their hard work.

No sooner had they hung up the phone, when Lyra and Bon Bon were inundated with more calls. The two mares answered with their usual flair. Lyra knew that tonight was going to be another long night of calls, but it didn't bother her anymore.

Ten Secluded Centuries

A full moon hung in the Equestrian Night sky as it cast its reflective light over valleys and hills. Throughout the land, ponies were retiring to bed, with two notable exceptions.

It had been a surprisingly slow Saturday night for Frisky Fillies. Lyra and Bon Bon had only taken a couple of calls each and were currently both faced with down time. While they sat and waited for somepony to call, the two marefriends snuggled together on the couch and watched television. The TV held on a shot of the Equestrian flag rippling in the wind, while the national anthem of Equestria played over it.

"...We are a circle of pony friends. A circle of friends we'll be to the very end!" the Royal Equestrian Choir sang patriotically.

"This concludes our broadcast day," the television announcer said at the conclusion of the anthem. Immediately after that, the screen became a black and white test pattern with a buffalo chief's head depicted in profile. This was accompanied with a loud, droning beep, which prompted Lyra to turn the television off.

"Well, so much for TV," Lyra said, "What do you want to do now?" Bon Bon was about to suggest they bring out Jack and Jill, when their headsets started ringing.

"Finally," Lyra said, "I was beginning to think everypony went to bed early tonight." Lyra turned on her headset and was about to give her introduction, when she was interrupted by the pony on the other end of the line, who was shouting.

"Ahoy-Hoy!" the caller said loudly, "Canst thou hear us?!" In order to spare her eardrums, Lyra turned the volume down on her headset.

"Yes! Yes, I can hear you!" Lyra said, "There's no need to shout." The caller gasped in shock upon hearing another pony's voice over the phone

"Huzzah, it works!" she said, "How splendid! This new technology amazes us!"

Most customers liked to maintain a certain level of anonymity when calling Frisky Fillies and preferred to not give their names out over the phone. However, possibly due to her naivety, tonight's caller didn't attempt any subterfuge and willingly identified herself. Not that she had much of a chance in disguising who she was. Her speech patterns and archaic mannerisms were both dead giveaways.

"Call me Princess Luna," she said, "Is this not Frisky Fillies and art thou not vocal artisans of romantic intentions?"

When Bon Bon learned who was calling, she eagerly turned on her headset. She eavesdropped on Lyra's call, anxious to hear what Luna's most intimate desires were.

"This is indeed Frisky Fillies," Lyra said, "What can we do for you, your highness?"

"We desire to partake in a flight of fancy," Luna said, "Perhaps thou art familiar with Star Swirl, the Bearded?" Lyra remembered reading a history book about him in magic kindergarten.

"I knew that Princess Luna was old," Lyra thought, "But is she really ancient enough to remember that fossil?"

"We recall when he was still known as Star Swirl, the Scruffy," Luna said, wistfully. Lyra and Bon Bon both had to stifle a case of the giggles.

"We never knew him personally, of course," Luna said, blushing, "Only by reputation. Might you be able to indulge us in a young filly's fantasy and allow us to converse intimately with Star Swirl?"

Normally, Lyra would've transferred Luna's call over to their affiliate stallion-based phone sex service. But tonight was slow, and they could use the money.

"Besides," Lyra thought, "how often do you get a princess calling you for phone sex?"

"Please stay on the line and Star Swirl will be with you shortly," Lyra said before pausing her mic and looking hopefully at Bon Bon.

Lyra was out of her element. She barely knew anything about proper etiquette for addressing royalty. Fortunately, Bon Bon had been sent to finishing school by her parents.

Being accomplished chefs, they thought it was important for their daughter to learn refined table manners. While she was there, Bon Bon also learned how to properly act at dinner parties and other social gatherings.

It also helped that, as part of her stage training, Bon Bon had become a master impressionist and was a mare of a thousand voices. Even though Star Swirl lived before the days of recording devices, he had been repeatedly depicted in popular culture, so Bon Bon had a decent idea of how he might sound.

Clearing her throat, she lowered her voice to sound like wise and gruff stallion. There was a powerful timber to Bon Bon's voice, with velvety tender undertones. Lyra smiled. She never got tired of listening to Bon Bon's various voices. It really helped keep things fresh during sex.

Switching on her mic, Bon Bon addressed Princess Luna.

"Hello, I'm Star Swirl, the Bearded," Bon Bon said in a passable impression of his voice, "It's a pleasure to meet you. How do you do?"

There was no reply from Luna; only silence.

"How do you do?" Bon Bon repeated, only to be met with more stoney silence. Bon Bon was afraid her headset might be broken. She was about to try again, when suddenly Luna spoke up, sounding slightly upset.

"It is improper for a mare to address a gentlecolt without first being properly introduced," Luna said, indignantly.

Now it was Bon Bon's turn to feel out of her element. Luna's rules on courtship were so archaic that they were outdated by even the strictest of modern etiquette standards. Fortunately, Lyra was there to help smooth things over.

"I do apologize about that," Lyra said, acting as a chaperone, "No offense was meant, your highness. Princess Luna, may I introduce Star Swirl, the Bearded. Star Swirl, this is Princess Luna."

A pleasure to meet you," Luna said, properly.

"The pleasure is mine, Princess" Bon Bon said, "To show you the proper respect, I'll now bow before you." Bon Bon paused for a moment to give Star Swirl enough time to kneel.

"Star Swirl, when you bow before us, why do we not hear the sounds of the melodious bells which adorned thy hat and cape?" Luna asked quizzically.

Bon Bon gave Lyra an exasperated look. Running off to their closet, Lyra grabbed the bells they used when she and Bon Bon were part of Canterlot's bell choir during last year's Hearth's Warming Eve.

Like most of their other endeavors, being part of a bell choir didn't end well for the two marefriends. Some nights Lyra would lie awake in bed and she could still hear the screams replaying in her head.

Returning to Bon Bon, Lyra held the bells up to her mic and shook them. Luna giggled and clapped her hooves.

"Excellent!" Luna said, "Thou even got the bells right! It is as though we were speaking with Star Swirl in the flesh!"

"After standing back up," Bon Bon said as Lyra shook the bells for effect, "I cordially reach out and shake your hoof." Bon Bon felt as though things would be smooth sailing from now on. Needless to say, she was completely caught off guard by Luna's reaction.

"Oh, such impudence!" Luna said shocked, "To force such an intimate gesture as a hoof shake upon a mare! And in public, no less! You ought to be ashamed of yourself, sir! We are a proper lady and a princess! Not some common tart to have one's way with!"

Luna's indignation left Bon Bon feeling quite flustered. She rarely attended fancy dinner parties anymore. Instead, she and Lyra would often hang out with their friends in Ponyville. As such, Bon Bon took a small amount of satisfaction in knowing that she was usually the most refined pony in the room.

Now, to be repeatedly chastised for her lack of proper etiquette by Princess Luna was almost more than Bon Bon could bear. To prevent herself from losing her cool, she took a deep breath and counted to ten. After switching off her mic, Bon Bon took a moment to analyze the situation with Lyra.

"I've got to keep in mind that Princess Luna is from a simpler time," Bon Bon said as she rubbed her temple with her fore-hooves, "Back in those days, mares and stallions were even more sexually repressed than they are now. It's like Luna walked straight out of a Mane Austin novel."

Upon hearing the name, 'Mane Austin,' Lyra got an idea. After running into their bedroom, Lyra came back with a book.

"I know just what will help us!" Lyra said, "I've got one of Mane Austin's books that we can use as a guide! It's filled with obsolete courting rituals!"

"Perfect!" Bon Bon said excitedly, "Which one do you have? Horse Sense and Sensibility? Mares-field Park?"

"Are you kidding?" Lyra said, incredulously, "I wouldn't read one of those printed sleeping pills if you paid me. The only reason why I have this one is because it's a parody version of her book." Lyra levitated the novel over to Bon Bon so she could read the cover.

"Pride, Prejudice and Zombie Ponies?" Bon Bon said in disbelief, "Really?"

"Hey, don't judge a book by it's cover," Lyra said, "This has a lot of information on proper courtship rituals. I should know; I had to keep skipping over them so I could get to the next zombie pony attack."

"I suppose it will have to do." Bon Bon said, "At least now you'll have a chance to read what you skipped, because I'm going to need your help if we want to satisfy this customer."

Lyra levitated the paperback book in front of her and skimmed it for information. Fearing they were in danger of upsetting their caller even further by ignoring her, Bon Bon reestablished contact with Princess Luna.

"Princess, are you still there?" Bon Bon asked, in her Star Swirl voice.

"We are," Luna said, pouting, "as long as you are willing to start acting civil towards a lady."

"According to the book," Lyra said to Bon Bon, "back in those days, courtship rituals were taken very seriously by both mares and stallions. A single mare never addressed a gentlecolt without an introduction."

"We're passed that part," Bon Bon said, annoyed, "What do I do next?"

"Ah, here we go!" Lyra said, "A single mare never visited a stallion alone. A chaperone always had to be there."

"I had hoped that I might be permitted to call on you at your castle," Bon Bon said, "I have brought a student of mine, Clover, the Clever, with me. She will be our chaperone."

"Hello, your highness," Lyra said, "Clover the Clever, at your service."

"Good to see you again, Clover the Clever," Luna said, "My sister tells us that thou hast written her many letters about thy studies."

"Oh, you know me," Lyra said, awkwardly, "I'm always learnin'... stuff."

"Shall we retire to the parlor?" Bon Bon asked, in a desperate attempt to move the conversation forward.

Lyra jingled the bells, indicating that Star Swirl was walking with everypony else into the castle.

"If you need me, I'll be sitting in the corner reading up on the amniomorphic spell," Lyra said, "I hope you and my mentor have a pleasant and respectful conversation."

Bon Bon paused for a moment as she tried to get into character. If she was going to pull this off, she had to be on her 'A' game.

"We're sitting across from each other in the parlor room of Canterlot Castle," Bon Bon said, "Clover the Clever is studying a scroll by the fireplace, while you and I converse with one another."

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Luna asked, knowingly.

"Uh..." Bon Bon said, her mind racing. Lyra was flipping pages in her book to try and figured out what step they missed. Bon Bon started to sweat as the silence hung heavy over their conversation. Luna took pity on the socially-awkward stallion by pointing out his mistake.

"A gentlecolt never wears his hat indoors," Luna said, scoldingly.

Rolling her eyes, Lyra shook her bells to signify that Star Swirl was removing his hat.

"I take my hat off and set it down on the cushion beside me," Bon Bon said, nervously. She chose each word carefully, as though speaking with Luna was tantamount to defusing a bomb.

"No!" Lyra said as she studied from the book, "Don't do it! A well-bred stallion would never put his hat down, but would hold onto it with his hooves at all times. This was an indication of control and responsibility. The belief was that if a stallion could not tend to his own hat for fifteen minutes, how would he ever manage a wife for an entire lifetime?"

"What I meant to say," Bon Bon said, "is that I set my hat in front of me and hold it in place with my hooves."

"Very good," Luna said, impressed, "You clearly have your priorities in order." Bon Bon was feeling more confident and decided it was time to strike up a conversation.

"So, is it difficult to raise the moon each night?" Bon Bon asked.

"The hardest part is remembering to release control once we have lifted the moon," Luna said, "When we have set things in motion, the moon will follow a natural course by itself."

Bon Bon kept the conversation focused on Luna, which went a long way towards impressing the princess. Lyra, meanwhile, was growing more frustrated as she continued to read from the book.

"These etiquette rules are stupid," Lyra said, "Have you read some of this sexist garbage? 'A proper mare was discouraged from displaying any signs of intelligence, or showing any interest in politics.'"

"Yes, we've come a long way since then," Bon Bon said, dismissively as she tried to get Lyra to focus, "but at the moment, I'm more interested in what a stallion is supposed to do to please a mare."

Lyra needed to calm down before continuing, so she went to the kitchen to fix herself a glass of water, before returning to read up on stallion etiquette. While this was going on, Luna informed Bon Bon about her big news.

"Star Swirl, we wanted to announce that we are coming out," Luna said, giddily.

"Luna's coming out?!" Bon Bon said, "I didn't even know she was gay! I thought the whole reason we were doing this was because she had a thing for older stallions."

"Actually," Lyra said, "according to the the rules of etiquette, 'Coming Out' is what a mare did when she was officially available for marriage."

Lyra raised an eyebrow as the water in her glass started to ripple.

"We have enjoyed conversing with you," Luna said, "It was, as the children say, 'fun.'"

"I feel the same way," Bon Bon said, "Quick, Lyra! Where is the proper place for us to meet again?"

Lyra was distracted by her water as it slowly inched up one side of her glass as though the liquid was alive and subtly trying to escape its container.

"Bon Bon, are you seeing this?" Lyra asked, mesmerized.

"Lyra, what am I supposed to say?!" Bon Bon asked, slightly losing her temper. Ignoring the gravity-defying water, Lyra refocused on the book and skimmed it for information.

"Uh... courtship advanced slowly, with couples first speaking, then walking together..." Lyra said.

"Perfect!" Bon Bon replied, cutting Lyra off and returning to her conversation with Luna.

"I would very much enjoy to walk the Canterlot Gardens with you," Bon Bon said, "If that's permissible."

"It is acceptable to us," Luna said, "provided thy student again serves as our chaperone."

"I must first send an urgent missive to a colleague, but I shall soon meet you in the garden, my princess," Bon Bon said, as she described Star Swirl bowing. Lyra jingled the bells to signify Clover the Clever and Star Swirl, the Bearded leaving the castle.

"Okay, we've got a minute to prepare before I start my walk with Luna," Bon Bon said, "What do I need to know about garden walk etiquette?"

There was no response from Lyra. Bon Bon turned to look at her marefriend, who was staring at the glass. The water looked like it was being turned over, even though the glass was balanced level on the table.

"Lyra, quit playing with your water!" Bon Bon snapped, "We've got to focus."

"It's not my magic. I'm not doing anything here," Lyra said, amazed, "This is seriously freaking me out." The two mares grew more concerned as they watched the water near the top of one side of the glass.

"And is it my imagination, or is it getting brighter?" Bon Bon said, "It's too early for Celestia to have raised the sun."

Lyra walked over to the window and lifted the blinds. The two mares let out a gasp as they saw a giant, glowing orb suspended high above Canterlot Castle.

"It's some kind of alien space station!" Lyra said, in awe.

"That's no space station," Bon Bon said, "It's a moon."

The moon was slowly lowering itself out of the sky towards the castle. As it neared the planet, the heavenly body began to adversely affect the tides.

"Well, that explains why the water's screwed up," Lyra said.

"I've got to cancel my call with Luna!" Bon Bon said, panicking, "She's got to set the moon back in its orbit before it crushes Caterlot Castle and destroys all life on Equestria!"

"Princess Luna!" Bon Bon said, frantically.

"Ah Star Swirl, there you are," Luna said, "I trust that Clover the Clever will be joining us on our walk."

"There's no time for that now!" Bon Bon said, "If you don't get the moon back into orbit soon, its going to crash into the castle!"

"Star Swirl, surely thou jests," Luna said, "Why, it is a beautiful spring day; perfect for taking a stroll through the gardens. The moon isn't even out."

"Did Luna seriously believe this was real, and not just a phone call?" Bon Bon thought, "I guess ponies really did have more vivid imaginations before television was invented."

Lyra had switched her phone to a different channel, in order to call the Royal Guards and notify them of the impending lunar cataclysm. Unfortunately, all other phone lines were busy.

A large number of other ponies noticed that the moon appeared three times larger than its normal size and was closing in on the castle. The ensuing panic had tied up all other phone lines.

"That does it," Bon Bon said, "If she thinks it's daytime, I'm just going to hang up on her so she can be brought back to reality and fix this mess."

"Star Swirl, may I speak with you in private for a moment?" Lyra asked, insistently.

"Certainly, Clover the Clever," Bon Bon said, "Please excuse me, princess. My student and I shall return soon."

"What?" Bon Bon asked, impatiently, "We need to end this now!"

"You can't just hang up on her!" Lyra said, who knew a thing or two about the principles behind pony magic, "She's too far into her fantasy. If you shatter her illusion of reality, the shock could cause her to unknowingly send the moon crashing straight into Canterlot Castle."

"So what do we do?" Bon Bon asked, panicking, "Just carry on the conversation and pretend the moon isn't growing closer every second?!"

"Exactly," Lyra said, "You've got to keep pretending you're the charming stallion of her dreams."

This prospect didn't seem appealing to Bon Bon. If the world was doomed, she didn't want to spend her final moments playing make believe with Princess Luna. Bon Bon knew there had to be some solution.

"So, we can't hang up on Luna without potentially destroying the planet," Bon Bon said, "Isn't there some kind of mental magic fail safe we can exploit to get the moon back in its proper orbit?"

Lyra thought back to her anatomy classes and the diagrams of a unicorn's brain. She remembered how the nerve endings from the horn connected with the basal ganglia circuits at the base of the brain.

"Luna is still subconsciously pulling the moon," Lyra said, "Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that controls the flow of magic from other areas of the brain. If we can force Luna's body to release dopamine, it should safely sever her magical connection to the moon and return it to its proper orbit."

"How do you remember so much from biology class?" Bon Bon said, impressed.

"Because the largest natural production of dopamine happens during an orgasm," Lyra said, "I remember the teacher warning us in sex ed to not perform any potentially dangerous magic during intercourse, because your subconscious spells become undone when you climax."

"Do you really think Luna having an orgasm will free the moon from her magic?" Bon Bon asked.

"Well, she isn't a unicorn," Lyra conceded, "but the principle should still be the same for alicorns. It's the best chance we've got, at any rate."

"So let me see if I've got this straight," Bon Bon said, "I've got to make Luna orgasm through phone sex, while adhering to a strict code of chaste behavior and archaic courtship rituals; and all of this has to be done before the moon crashes into the capital city and subsequently wipes out all life in Equestria?"

"You've got it," Lyra said.

"Great," Bon Bon said, sarcastically, "Well, here goes nothing."

"Princess Luna?" Bon Bon said, "Clover the Clever and I are ready to begin our walk with you."

"Humph," Luna said, slightly upset, "It's poor form to keep a lady waiting."

Bon Bon groaned as Lyra jingled the bells.They knew their task was going to be daunting.

"If we're lucky," Lyra said, "you won't have to make Luna cum. I'm sure once Celestia realizes what's going on, she'll rush in and fix things. I bet the Royal Guards are waking her up right now. You just need to keep Luna in her fantasy world a little longer until Celestia can fix the moon."

What Lyra and Bon Bon didn't realize, was that the Royal Guards were unable to find Celestia. Attached to her door was a note that read,

"Gone to Las Pegasus. Be back tomorrow morning. Signed, Celestia. P.S. Luna's in charge while I'm gone."

The Royal Guards checked Luna's room, but she wasn't there. Luna was actually having her phone conversation in a place where nopony would ever think to look for her.

Desiring seclusion to help fuel her fantasy, Luna went to the archives of the Equestrian History museum, which were located within Canterlot Castle.

She sat on a pillow, surrounded by ancient artifacts. Having had difficulty adjusting to the modern world after her eon of exile, Luna found that this room of forgotten treasures brought her a measure of peace; so she turned it into her own secret clubhouse.

Next to Luna was a life-size mannequin of a stallion with a bushy white beard and a coat the color of sweet potatoes. His cutie mark was of a large golden bell. The stallion was a facsimile of A. Pealing Bell, the inventor of the telephone.

The model was part of the Great Equestrian Inventors series, which has been put in storage to make room for newer displays. Beside the model of Bell was one of his inventions, the first telephone, which was currently being used by Luna. The princess held the receiver to her ear and closed her eyes as she imagined her afternoon stroll through the Canterlot Gardens with the stallion of her dreams.

"Aren't the flowers beautiful, Star Swirl?" Luna asked.

"Yeah, beautiful," Bon Bon said agitated, "You know what else is beautiful? Living. I want to keep on living. How about you?" Bon Bon was having a difficult time concentrating on maintaining the fantasy world in the face of imminent annihilation. She watched the water flow from the lip of the glass as the moon drew ever closer.

"Star Swirl, you seem upset," Luna said, pouting, "It's a lovely spring day. The birds are singing. Am I not enjoyable company?"

"No," Bon Bon said,distracted, "It's not that..."

Lyra stared out the window as the moon continued its merciless advance. It looked as though Celestia couldn't help them now. It was up to Lyra and Bon Bon to save the day.

"Can't I just convince Luna it's night and ask her to raise the moon in the fantasy?" Bon Bon asked, "Wouldn't that cause it to rise in the real world?"

"Too risky," Lyra said, "If Luna's suspension of disbelief snaps, the moon could come crashing down. You've got to maintain a reasonable universe."

"I don't know if I can do this," Bon Bon said, nervously.

"You'll do fine," Lyra said encouragingly, "You've just got to be more assertive. Get through the courtship rituals as quick as you can. Just don't go too fast, or you'll scare her off."

"She practically cried rape when I described a hoof shake," Bon Bon said, "I think it's going to be a little difficult to bring her to orgasm by painting an erotic picture. Aren't there any shortcuts to intimacy I can use?"

"It says here that while dances were generally accepted," Lyra said, reading from the book, "the act of dancing was frowned upon by some, due to the necessity of physical closeness it offered to mares and stallions."

"You had me at physical closeness," Bon Bon said, "Quick! Grab your lyre and start playing. I have a plan."

Lyra ran to her room to get her instrument. On the way there, Lyra glanced outside and saw the moon push the clouds away as it grew ever nearer to the castle. Lyra gulped.

"We're running out of time," Lyra thought.

Lyra returned and started playing her lyre, just as Bon Bon had instructed.

"Do you hear... music?" Luna said, surprised.

"I do," Bon Bon said, knowingly, "I believe it's the Canterlot Garden Cotillion. Would you care to join me in a dance?"

"One does not simply ask a mare to dance," Luna said, haughtily.

"Of course one doesn't," Bon Bon said, through gritted teeth, "Silly me."

"Dance cards!" Lyra said, reading ahead in the book, "All mares are given cards at these events and the stallions sign up for the various dances."

"I meant to say that I sign your dance card," Bon Bon said, curtly, "Happy?"

"We are!" Luna said, oblivious to Bon Bon's snarky tone, "Now we shall dance!"

As they danced, Luna talked about her admiration for Star Swirl.

"We have always enjoyed reading about your adventures," Luna said, "It must be thrilling to risk one's life for the sake of magical discovery."

"I'm fortunate to have a student who takes such meticulous notes," Bon Bon said, "Without Clover the Clever, my stories would be lost to the sands of time."

"We would love to join you on one of your adventures, but such activities are considered... improper for a princess," Luna said, wistfully.

Bon Bon knew that if she wanted to save Equestria, she couldn't just make small talk with Luna. In order to breach Luna's barriers of decorum, Bon Bon had to make Star Swirl, the Bearded sound as romantic as possible.

"Ponies know me as the most important conjurer of the pre-classical era," Bon Bon said, "I've created more than two hundred spells; and yet the spell your beauty has cast on me has been the most powerful of all. You have bewitched me, Luna; both body and soul, and I love... I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

Bon Bon described Star Swirl bending down and looking up into Luna's eyes.

"Princess Luna," Bon Bon said, "Will you marry me?"

"Oh, Star Swirl," Luna said as her face became flushed with emotion, "You've made us so happy! Yes! Yes we will marry you!"

"Excellent!" Bon Bon said, eagerly, "A prompt ceremony and then a passionate honeymoon, right?"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," Luna said, haltingly, "Before the wedding, we still need to have an official engagement announcement party, a formal evening engagement party and the presentation of the engagement ring. To say nothing of the countless hours that go into planning the wedding itself. The engagement process can last as long as two years, with hundreds of steps that need to be completed before we can get married."

"Hu... hundreds of steps?" Bon Bon said nervously. Any other time, Bon Bon would've been elated to have a caller keep them on the phone for this long, but at this point, the money wasn't even a consideration. What good were bits if there was no Equestria left to spend them in?

"Yes, hundreds," Luna said, "And we would be remiss to skip even one. Don't worry though, Star Swirl. Throughout the months of planning we can sustain each other with our chaste, undying love."

Bon Bon cringed at the word 'chaste,' which was a dirty word in the phone sex business. In order to make Luna horny, Bon Bon knew that she would have to get desperate.

"Then we mustn't waste any more time," Bon Bon said, emphatically, "Lets quickly adjourn to the parlor room and start filling out invitations to our engagement announcement party. Clover the Clever will bring the stationary."

The sounds of Lyra's lyre grew faint as Bon Bon described the group moving away from the cotillion and into the parlor. Lyra jingled the bells indicating that Star Swirl was moving with Luna and Clover the Clever towards the castle.

"Bon Bon, we don't have time to fill out invitations," Lyra said, "The moon will reduce Canterlot Castle to rubble before you finish licking your last stamp."

"I don't plan on filling out invitations," Bon Bon said, "I just suggested we go to the parlor because I needed to get Luna alone. Instead of licking stamps, I'm going to be licking her."

"You're going to try and seduce her?" Lyra said, "Luna won't agree to that. I just read in the book that no impure conversations were held in front of single mares and no sexual contact was allowed before marriage. Innocence was demanded by stallions from mares, and most especially from his future wife. Since Luna won't tolerate any verbal vaginal violations, phone sex is out of the question. No horny princess means no orgasm and no orgasm means no dopamine. We've failed."

"I've got to do something to stop the moon," Bon Bon said, "Unless you can think of another plan, forcing her is our only option."

Bon Bon described Star Swirl, Clover the Clever and Luna entering the parlor and sitting across from each other, while Clover the Clever levitated some parchment, quills and ink wells.

"Go ahead and set the stationary down on the table, Clover the Clever," Bon Bon said, "Then go fetch some extra ink from the supply closet. I can tell we're going to need it."

"Yes, Star Swirl," Lyra said dubiously, as she left the parlor, closing the door behind her.

"Star Swirl, you should reopen the parlor door," Luna said, uncomfortably, "We do want to avoid the appearance of any impropriety. Even if we are engaged, we ought not be alone together, lest we be tempted."

"Without saying a word, I knock over the table, scattering the blank invitations all over the floor," Bon Bon said, rape-ily, "Ink spills as I tackle you to the ground and hold you down with my powerful fore-hooves."

To add to the effect, Bon Bon took the bells from Lyra and shook them to simulate Luna struggling to free herself from Star Swirl.

"What are you doing?!" Luna said, shocked, "We do not wish to be held down! Get off of us this instant, you mountebank!"

Bon Bon didn't want to rape Princess Luna, but it was the only way to save Equestria from annihilation.

"This is for your own good, princess," Bon Bon said, "You'll thank me later."

"What are you talking about?" Luna cried hysterically.

Bon Bon described Star Swirl straddling Luna and was about to mount her 'bank' and make a substantial deposit, when they were suddenly interrupted by Clover the Clever.

"He's trying to protect you from the zombie ponies!" Lyra said, interrupting her marefriend.

"Zombie ponies?" Bon Bon and Luna said together.

"Look out the window," Lyra said, "An undead horde of ponies ravages the countryside, feasting upon the flesh of the living. Those who were still dancing at the cotillion had to flee for their lives from the trotting dead."

Luna was dumbfounded as she tried to reconcile a zombie apocalypse in her fantasy. It was a dangerous line, because if Luna's suspension of disbelief became broken, then the moon would fall. Lyra knew she had to be as convincing and sincere as possible.

"When there's no more room in Tartarus, the dead will walk Equestria," Lyra said, ominously. This seemed to satisfy Luna, who suddenly became very frightened. Bon Bon just looked perplexed. Lyra took advantage of their bewildered states to further the story.

"Star Swirl, I know you're trying to protect Princess Luna," Lyra said, "but we must first secure our location. Help me tear up some of the wooden floor. We need to board up the windows and doors."

Lyra took back the bells from Bon Bon and jingled them to indicate that Star Swirl was running around, tearing up the parlor floorboards.

"Luna, while we're busy securing the room, look for something you can use as a weapon," Lyra said, "We need to defend ourselves in case the zombie ponies breach the castle walls."

Luna thought of what she could use as a weapon while Bon Bon was utterly lost.

"What's with the zombie ponies?" Bon Bon asked annoyed, "I'm never going to get Luna to cum now. I mean, not unless she's into necrophilia..."

"We don't need to make her climax, since that seemed like a lost cause anyhow," Lyra said, "I remembered something that will work just as well as dopamine."

"What's that?" Bon Bon asked.

"Adrenaline," Lyra said, "It works similar to dopamine. When scared or pressured, the body releases adrenaline, which gives ponies the natural energy they need to either fight or flee from danger. For unicorns, a rush of adrenaline safely concludes all active spells so the body can devote all magical energies towards self-preservation."

"So if we scare Luna, she'll release the moon and we can save Equestria," Bon Bon said, "Lyra, you're brilliant!"

"I had a good teacher," Lyra said, blushing, "Star Swirl."

"Clover the Clever," Bon Bon said. The two marefriends stared at each other, before embracing in a tender hug.

"Alright," Bon Bon said, as a tear ran down her cheek, "Let's do this."

"Together," Lyra said, as she wiped away her marefriend's tear.

The ground started to shake as the moon neared the planet's surface. It was so close that ponies could read words which had been etched in the lunar landscape.

"Luna was here. Celestia is a loser," one of the Royal Guards read as he stared at the writing on the moon.

Meanwhile, hidden deep within the archives, Luna felt the vibrations of the moon as it drew closer and assumed the tremors were caused by the hoofbeats of dozens of undead ponies advancing towards the castle.

"The windows and doors are boarded up securely, Star Swirl," Lyra said.

"Excellent work, Clover the Clever," Bon Bon said, "Princess Luna, have you found any suitable weapons?"

"We have," Luna said, "We found a brass fire poker you can use."

"I have my conjuror's staff as a weapon," Bon Bon said, "You should keep the fire poker for yourself."

"You want me to fight zombie ponies?" Luna asked incredulously, "Such acts of violence are improper for a lady to engage in."

"Do you think the zombie ponies are following table manners when they feast on brains?" Lyra said to Luna, "Let's face it, princess. When the undead walk the earth, proper etiquette is the first thing to go."

"We are not sure we can fight zombie ponies," Luna said, nervously, "We are... afraid."

"Zombie ponies can't feel fear, so why should you?" Bon Bon said, "I'll be by your side, so you'll never be alone."

Luna found these words comforting and felt herself becoming more enamored with her fiance.

"What do you need me to do, Star Swirl?" Lyra asked.

"Get out your quill," Bon Bon said, "I need you to record our stand against the undead horde. Generations from now, ponies will read your account of how Princess Luna and her fiance saved Equestria from zombie ponies."

This was Bon Bon's code for Lyra to serve as narrator for the remainder of their phone call. It also allowed Luna to fulfill her fantasy of joining Star Swirl on one of his adventures.

"Star Swirl, the Bearded stands at the secured door, ready to defend," Lyra said, "Princess Luna guards the boarded up window, prepared to give her all for her subjects."

Luna felt her heart beat fast. She imagined herself levitating a brass fire poker as her weapon of retribution against the advancing zombie pony legion.

"The undead have breached the outer walls and are now shambling towards the front of the castle," Lyra said, "Some of the zombie ponies are headed straight for us."

"Keep calm and stand your ground!" Bon Bon said, "Remember; no matter how desperate the situation seems, time spent thinking clearly is never wasted."

"Rotten hooves scrape at the door as the zombies try to force their way inside," Lyra said, "Panes of glass are shattered by the horde. The wooden boards are the only thinks keeping them at bay."

Lyra threw her cup on the ground for emphasis. The sound of shattered glass caused Luna to shriek as she imagined a zombie pony reaching for her through the window.

"Don't just stare at the corpse," Lyra said, "Hit it!"

"We thrust our poker with terrific force," Luna said.

"It connects with the animated corpse, driving the pointed spike between its eyes," Lyra said, "Congealed blood flows from the wound as the zombie pony is pushed back outside."

"Huzzah! We did it!" Luna said, excitedly, "We have slain a zombie pony!"

"Excellent!" Bon Bon said, "But there are more zombie ponies trying to break in through. I'll continue defending the door, but we need you to protect the window."

"More glass is shattered as a zombie pony reaches a fore-hoof through the window to try and take Luna," Lyra said, as she shattered another cup, "The boards on the window hold them back, but they try to loosen the wood by pressing their weight against it."

"Loathsome abomination!" Luna cried, "Thou shalt not gobble us this day!"

"Swinging her poker with terrific force, Luna brings her weapon down on the corpse's fore-hoof, severing it from the rest of its body," Lyra said, "The detached limb falls to the ground and ceases to move. The hoofless zombie pony is knocked aside as more swarm to take its place. Half a dozen corpses press against each other as they tried to gain access through the window."

"Go back to Tartarus!" Luna shouted, "We swing at the monsters, halting their advance!"

"Meanwhile, Star Swirl is holding the door, denying the zombies an entrance," Lyra said, "His knowledge of magic is rivaled only by his combat skills."

"Excellent notes, Clover the Clever," Bon Bon said, "What scientific truths have you gleaned from my dispatching of the undead?"

"Blows to the body cannot stop these creatures," Lyra said, "Only by damaging the brain can a zombie pony truly be destroyed."

"An astute observation," Bon Bon said, "Tell me. What sort of protection is ideal against the undead?"

Lyra knew that if they wanted to generate genuine terror within Luna, they were going to have to raise the stakes.

"Before I can answer my mentor's question, the door is knocked open and zombie ponies bite onto Star Swirl's robe and drag him outside," Lyra said, "His magical aura falters, causing him to drop his staff."

"Star Swirl!" Luna cries in a panic, "Never fear! We shall save thee!"

Luna's heroism caught Lyra off guard, but it wasn't completely unexpected either.

"Luna runs towards the open door and flies over the heads of the zombie ponies," Lyra said, "She knocks the animated corpses off of Star Swirl before they claim him as one of their own."

Lyra shook the bells to indicate Star Swirl was kicking the zombie ponies away as Luna defended him with her fire poker.

"Sensing potential victims nearby, the zombie ponies stop their assault on the castle and move towards Star Swirl and Luna," Lyra said, "I run to the door and toss Star Swirl his staff."

"Much appreciated, Clover the Clever," Bon Bon said.

"Star Swirl," Lyra called out, "Based on recent events, I have determined that tight clothes and short manes are ideal protection against zombie ponies."

"Duly noted," Bon Bon said, "Next time I face the undead hordes, I'll be sure to leave my cape at home."

"Surrounded by the undead, Star Swirl and Luna make a last desperate stand against the zombie ponies." Lyra said, "Their weapons readied, they swing at anything that gets too close."

"Watch out, Luna!" Bon Bon said, There's one crawling up behind you!"

"Luna turns around and sees a zombie pony who is forced to crawl towards her using its fore-hooves," Lyra said.

"I look down and stomp the wretch's head in with my hoof," Luna said, "Blood and bits of brain splatter as another zombie pony is eliminated!"

Lyra and Bon Bon looked at it each other, concerned. They both thought that Luna was maybe enjoying the killing a little too much.

As the imaginary battle intensified, so did the rumblings caused by the moon, which was nearly on top of Canterlot Castle.

"I stab a zombie pony in the neck!" Luna said, giddily, "Dark blood spurts from its arteries, showering me with gore! The power is... intoxicating."

"You're a natural zombie pony slayer!" Bon Bon said, trying to flatter Luna, "A skilled fighter such as yourself is welcome on any of my adventures."

Lyra and Bon Bon ran to the window. The moon was nearly touching the tallest tower of Canterlot Castle. The heavenly body was blocking out a good portion of the sky and showed no signs of slowing down.

"Why hasn't the rush of adrenaline released the moon from Luna's influence?" Bon Bon said, worried, "I thought all we had to do was scare her."

"The problem is, she's not getting scared," Lyra said, "Unless I'm mistaken, I think killing zombie ponies is giving Luna wood."

"You mean she's horny?" Bon Bon said in disbelief.

"Killing ponies is fun when they're zombies!" Luna said, growing more aroused "I stick the pointed end of my poker into a zombie pony and rip it in half, littering the ground with its wet entrails."

While Luna was growing more emboldened and excited, Lyra and Bon Bon were starting to sink into despondency. Nothing they did seemed to have any effect on the moon.

"Dying in my home as I listen to my leader become moist while fighting imaginary zombies," Lyra said, "What do you know. My fortune cookie was right."

The tallest spire on Canterlot Castle started to bend as the moon pressed against it. It wouldn't be long now before it was all over. Ever the professionals, Lyra and Bon Bon were committed to fulfilling their caller's fantasy for as long as possible.

"I swing the poker at an advancing zombie," Luna said, "The metal spike connects with the side of its head and decapitates the corpse. Dark blood oozes from its gaping neck hole as its head rolls along the ground before eventually coming to a stop in the grass."

"The lawn is carpeted with a layer of zombie pony blood and guts," Lyra said, "Luna wades through the gore as she approaches the last of the trotting dead."

"Using my magic, I spin my poker like a propeller and send it flying through a legion of zombie ponies," Luna said, "The rotating weapon beats several of the zombies' heads in, while decapitating others."

"We did it," Bon Bon said emotionally exhausted, "We defeated the zombie ponies."

"Star Swirl, the Bearded and Luna walk towards each other, taking caution as they step over the decapitated corpses that litter the ground," Lyra said, "Both of them are splattered with blood and gore from the eviscerated horde. Part of a zombie's lower intestine dangles off of Luna's horn."

"You saved me from a fate worse than death," Bon Bon said romantically.

"Being turned into a zombie pony?" Luna asked.

"No," Bon Bon replied, "Being separated from you."

A lump formed in Luna's throat as she felt a deep and abiding love swell within her breast.

"Star Swirl and I kiss each other, "Luna said, passionately.

"As the two blood-splattered lovers kiss, the sun sets in the west," Lyra said, "The day of the dead is over. The power of the zombie ponies has faded like the rays of the sun at dusk."

The kiss did more than bring a happy ending to their little tale. As Luna lay in the archives imagining her true love's kiss, the moon stopped bending the spire of Canterlot Caste. The heavenly body slowly began to rise back in the sky. Lyra and Bon Bon looked out the window.

"We did it!" Bon Bon said, "We saved Canterlot, and nopony will ever know."

"I'll know," Lyra said, as she leaned in and gave Bon Bon a kiss.

As if she was awakening from an enchanted sleep, Luna opened her eyes and returned to the real world.

"What a wonderful fantasy!" Luna said, "Thou art truly masters of thy craft!"

"Anytime, princess," Bon Bon said, "Feel free to call again."

"Preferably when you're off duty," Lyra muttered.

The next morning, Lyra and Bon Bon were reading the newspaper. They had hoped to see some story about the moon and the near annihilation of the planet, but there was hardly any mention of it.

The front page story was of Celestia getting drunk on her Las Pegasus trip and passing out in a fountain outside one of the casinos.

"I can't believe how the Canterlot PR department is trying to spin this," Lyra said as she read the paper, "They're saying what everypony saw last night wasn't the moon, but an errant weather balloon. Nopony realizes how close we came to utter destruction."

"How did the moon end up rising?" Bon Bon asked, "I thought we determined that the adrenaline released from fear wasn't enough."

"You're right. It wasn't" Lyra said, "It completely slipped my mind at the time, but after our call with Luna, I did more research on unicorn anatomy. It turns out that when you're scared, your brain also pumps out dopamine."

"The same chemical you release when you orgasm?" Bon Bon said.

"Or when you're attracted to someone," Lyra said, "The euphoric high ponies feel when they're in love is caused by dopamine as well."

"So you're saying that being frightened creates a similar feeling of exhilaration?" Bon Bon asked.

"Exactly," Lyra said, "The main thing scary activities do is increase your overall arousal level. For example, watching a horror movie releases dopamine. When you watch it with somepony you love, the arousal from being frightened becomes mixed with the arousal of sexual attraction."

"So what does this mean?" Bon Bon asked.

"It means that horror films are the perfect date night movie," Lyra said, "On a related note, historical figures infused with horror elements are really popular right now."

"What are you hinting at?" Bon Bon asked, dubiously.

"I'm saying let's take tonight off and go see a movie," Lyra said, "Princess Platinum, Vampire Hunter is getting good reviews."

Bon Bon stared at Lyra skeptically.

"Alright. You caught me," Lyra said, "It's actually getting terrible reviews. I knew you'd only want to see a movie if it was widely acclaimed. The critics are calling Princess Platinum, Vampire Hunter 'mindless schlock with excessive amounts of blood.'"

"Sounds like your kind of movie," Bon Bon said, grinning, "Okay. Count me in."

Since it was Lyra's plan that ultimately saved Equestria, Bon Bon thought her marefriend could use a little reward for a job well done.

"You mean you'll see it?" Lyra said, surprised.

"Sure," Bon Bon said, "I'm eager to see how fear enhances attraction."

"Are you sure you won't be bored?" Lyra asked.

"I'll find ways to keep myself entertained," Bon Bon said, seductively, "Maybe we can sit in the back of the theater and I can lick your stamp during the movie."

She gave Lyra a sly wink. Lyra blushed and gave a horny smile.

"You dirty little minx," Lyra said, causing her marefriend to giggle.

Bon Bon grabbed her saddle bags as the two mares headed to the movies.

Fifty Frightening Philias

It had been several weeks since the moon nearly crashed into Canterlot Castle. While saving Equestria was an experience that Lyra and Bon Bon would never forget, they couldn't be content to dwell on the past. The two marefriends had to keep moving forward if they wanted to remain the most famous phone sex operators in all of Equestria. The dedication to their craft involved lots of practice and preparation.

It was evening, and the two marefriends were practicing their delivery by finding the perfect inflection for a convincing orgasm.

"Oh, Celestia!" Lyra groaned erotically, "I'm cumming!" Lyra panted and moaned with an animalistic carnality. Bon Bon hemmed and hawed over her marefriend's performance.

"What?" Lyra asked, breathlessly, "No good?"

"It was decent," Bon Bon said, "but you emphasized the hard 'C' sound in 'cumming.' Words like 'cock,' 'cunt' or 'cum' start with the 'K' sound, which is fine when you're doing dirty foreplay. The abrasive, hard 'C' is great for getting the caller's attention; but when it comes to the sensual symphony of an orchestral orgasm, you need something softer for your sexy speech."

"Such as?" Lyra asked.

"I think your delivery would sound more erotic with a slight adjustment," Bon Bon said, "Instead of the 'K' sound, try to put more emphasis on the 'um' in 'cumming.' The short 'U' sound is what helps callers reach their orgasm. 'Um' is like a roller coaster of sexiness that rises with 'U' and falls with 'M' until the callers reach their inevitable climax." With these new tips in mind, Lyra tried again.

"Oh, Celestia!" Lyra said, "I'm cumming!"

"Much better," Bon Bon said,"I felt chills; I really did! Average callers will cream themselves the instant you moan with that inflection."

They were about to go over more speech training, when they got a phone call. Bon Bon put on her hooves-free phone.

"Hello!" Bon Bon said cheerfully as she turned on her headset, "Thank you for calling Frisky Fillies; official phone sex hotline of the Royal Sisters. We serve stallions and mares of all shapes and sizes. Call in with requests or we have some surprises. We'll enact any fetish, so nothing's taboo. This is Candy Ass speaking. How may I help you?"

"Hello Candy Ass," the caller said, "I'm a stallion whose strange, sexual obsessions are the stuff of legends. My perverted fetishes are so numerous and infamous that they've been put into song. My name is Jelly. Mr. Hugh Jelly."

Bon Bon gave a small gasp when she realized the caller's identity. Having him use their services was the equivalent of a professional eater walking into your restaurant making a beeline for your buffet. Seeing the intimidated look on Bon Bon's face, Lyra felt prompted to turn on her headset and listen in to the conversation.

"Nopony, mare or stallion, has ever been able to equal my perverse desires," Hugh Jelly said, "If you can manage to titillate me to the point of orgasm through phone sex, I'll pay triple the regular rate for this call." When Hugh Jelly mentioned paying triple their regular rate, Lyra stared wide-eyed at Bon Bon, who gave a cocky smirk to mask her apprehension.

"Consider it done," Bon Bon said, trying to sound confident, "Any requests?"

"Well, since you asked," Hugh Jelly said, "are you familiar with that conservative cunt, Radiant Hope?"

Lyra and Bon Bon stared at each other in disbelief. They knew Radiant Hope's brand of bigotry only too well.

"What about her?" Bon Bon asked, trepidatiously, "Do you have an axe to grind with her, or something?"

"Oh believe me, I want to grind with her," Hugh Jelly said, "Radiant Hope's tight ass is the embodiment of sexual repression. As a moral deviant, I can't think of a better target to bathe in my cock sauce. Listening to her ramble about the moral degradation of society is music to my jelly-filled ears. Whenever she's a guest on the Howie Tern show, I like to jerk off while listening to her rant."

"So, it's safe to say you disagree with her anti-masturbation stance?" Bon Bon asked, knowingly.

"If clop is murder, then I'm the biggest serial killer Equestria's ever seen," Hugh Jelly said, boastfully, "As a rabid sex fiend, it's my duty to liberate her lackluster libido from the fetid fetters of flaccid fidelity and the mundane manacles of monogamous morality."

The longer the call went on, the more intriguing it got. Lyra and Bon Bon were eager to impress Hugh Jelly with their phone sex skills. If that involved verbally violating one of their least favorite ponies, so much the better.

"It's important that you meet my expectations," Hugh Jelly said, "In addition to including Radiant Hope, I want to hear the most vile and disgusting things imaginable. The more indecent, the harder my penis gets."

"So, you want us to humiliate Radiant Hope?" Bon Bon asked.

"Not at all," Hugh Jelly said, indignantly, "I want her to enjoy it. Humiliation is just a matter of perspective. In a perfect world, embarrassment would not exist. Neither would restraining orders or sex offender registration, for that matter."

Bon Bon was contemplating what direction she would take the call, when Lyra interrupted.

"Let me do it!" Lyra begged, "I want to do it, please!" Bon Bon smiled and graciously offered the call to Lyra, who was eager to put Radiant Hope in as many disgusting situations as possible.

"Hey, honey," Lyra said, imitating Radiant Hope's voice, "Oh Hugh, my stinky diaper is so full. I'm such a dirty foal. Will you change me? If you do, I'll suck your bottle until your special daddy milk comes out." Lyra didn't ascribe to this particular fetish, but the caller wanted it gross, so she was willing to say anything.

"Yawn," Hugh Jelly said, dismissively, "Infantilism? Really? If I wanted to jerk off to diapers, I'd go back to hiding in the bushes behind the preschool. What else you got?"

Lyra was no stranger to unorthodox forms of sex. She and Bon Bon had done some rough stuff on occasion, just to keep things interesting. Lyra had no problem with sexual experimentation, but Hugh Jelly was pushing the limits of her perversity. She racked her brain, trying desperately to think of the grossest thing imaginable.

"I start cleaning your hooves with my tongue," Lyra said, "I like the undersides, completely cleaning them of dirt. Your hooves are soon coated in a thin layer of my saliva as you rub them against my face."

"You seriously think I'd be turned on by hoof play?" Hugh Jelly said, incredulously, "That fetish is too mainstream. I'm not paying for amateur hour here. If I don't start hearing some decent kink soon, I'll take my business elsewhere."

Lyra was at a loss, when Bon Bon switched her mic back on and rejoined the conversation.

"Sir, I assure you we'll fulfill your desires," Bon Bon said, "Please hold for a moment, and we'll be right back."

Bon Bon paused for a moment without saying anything, as though she was contemplating her options. She gave the caller enough time to wonder if she was ever coming back.

Lyra stared at her marefriend as Bon Bon sat with her eyes closed and breathed through her nose. She looked like she was lost in thought.

"Hello?" Hugh Jelly said, "Are we gonna do this, or what?"

"Hang on, Hugh," Lyra said, "My partner's building up to something, I'm sure of it."

After nearly a minute of silence, Bon Bon's eyes shot open, which startled Lyra.

Without any introduction or warning, Bon Bon launched into a retelling of a famous joke that was known to be one of the most offensive, outrageous and off-putting jokes in the history of comedy.

Since she had stopped working as a comedian, Bon Bon had pushed the joke from her mind, like an unpleasant memory. But now that the caller was asking to hear the most vulgar thing imaginable, Bon Bon's memories of the joke resurfaced.

The bit was a timeless joke that was known in comedy circles throughout Equestria by its simple punchline, 'The Aristocrats.'

Ponies who tells jokes for a living will eventually hear this particular joke in one form or another. Those who aren't professional comedians have probably never heard of it. It's like a secret hoofshake for comics, who try to outdo each other with each retelling. This joke is rarely, if ever, told to general audiences. It's mainly passed back and forth amongst comics who want to shock, impress or otherwise entertain their peers.

Lyra had never heard the joke before. Not only that, she hadn't heard of the joke. Bon Bon had failed to mention it before, as though she thought her marefriend would think less of her for knowing such a tasteless and filthy joke.

Bon Bon was counting on the Aristocrats being unfamiliar to Hugh Jelly as well.

Every comic tells the joke differently and puts their own little flourishes in it and Bon Bon was no exception. It's like the joke was a famous piece of jazz music and the comedians were musicians adding their own riffs, so the joke was slightly different with each telling.

The joke itself wasn't so special. It was more of a non-joke. It became a favorite of comedians because it's the ultimate anti-joke. The comedy is all in the delivery. The idea is, if comedians can tell this joke well, they can tell any joke well. If they can amuse fellow jaded comedians with this, then they could amuse just about anypony.

The premise of the joke is basic. A family visits a talent agent hoping to break into show business. The talent agent asks about the nature of the family's act, so the family proceeds to demonstrate.

This takes us to the "freestyle" part of the joke, although it's really more like porn, because the family starts screwing each other in every possible way. Even the family dog gets in on the fun.

The point of the joke is to be as disgusting and degenerate as possible, with everyone in the family going down on each other and exchanging bodily fluids.

Bowel movements, urine, semen, snot, spittle, sweat. Gallons of various bodily excretions are produced by the family during the joke. Coming in and out of every orifice until the family collapses into a pile from sexual exhaustion.

At the ultimate climax, the talent agent addresses the family.

"Well, that was an interesting act," the talent agent says, "What do you call yourselves?"

At this moment, the family all leaps up proudly from the pile of shit, piss, semen, vomit and sweat. They take a great big bow and say, 'The Aristocrats!'

Lyra stared fascinated at Bon Bon, who seemed to have gone into some sort of comedic trance. It was as though her brain wasn't processing the things she was saying on a conscious level. Bon Bon ignored the outside world and focused on delivering the joke with conviction and perfect comedic timing. She talked without a filter as she gave her variation of the Aristocrats.

"Okay," Bon Bon said, "A talent agent is sitting in his office. You walk in with your wife, Radiant Hope, a beautiful blonde-maned mare with a gleaming white coat. Behind her are your two kids, your mother and the beloved family dog, Rags. The talent agent looks at your family and asks, "So, what kind of an act do you do?"

You start your act by having Radiant Hope coat your body in a layer of blueberry jelly from the neck down. Once you're completely covered, you set a black sack down in the middle of the floor.

Opening the sack, you pull out a limp, bloody, blue colt fetus and lay the dead foal on its back, with its head facing towards you. You also make sure to splay its arms and legs out, nailing them into the the wooden floor of the talent agent's office, in order to keep the body from sliding around.

You then take a large carving knife out of the sack and slit the unborn foal's chest down the middle, from neck to groin. Sliding your fore-hooves inside, you easily crack its tiny ribcage as a small pool of blood forms around the body.

Leaning your head down, you start licking the sides of the chest cavity as you would a labia; paying careful attention to the bloody folds as you lick up and down the rib bones and suck on its underdeveloped organs.

Speaking of underdeveloped organs, next you move up to the fetal colt's penis and proceed to gently nibble and suck on it like a clitoris. You tug the limp dick gently and circle your tongue around it ever so slowly.

By now, a ring of blood has formed around your mouth from playing with the dead fetus. You're now fully aroused and your jelly-covered cock is throbbing for release. Raising your fore-hoof above the fetus, you stomp hard on its head, crushing its skull like a rotten cantaloupe. You lift your hoof and look at the bloody red stain where there was once a face.

Rags, your beloved family dog, runs up behind you and starts licking up the brain and skull bits in between your hind legs. While Rags is busy eating the jellied pulps that were once the colt's eyes, you lean down over the fetus and bite its dick off and start chewing on it like bubble gum. As blood pools from the colt's mutilated crotch, you start humping its open chest cavity with your jelly-coated cock.

The smell given off by your stallion musk is giving Rags a massive boner. His thick doggie knot throbs as he continues to feast on the brains. Wanting to help your pent-up pooch, your wife bends the dog's cock back and starts giving him a blowjob.

After deep-throating the dog for several minutes, Rags growls in pleasure as he cums in Radiant Hope's mouth. She chokes and coughs as she swallows the dog's semen. The copious amounts of splooge starts to bubble up in her mouth and she gags, spilling some of the seed onto the floor.

The act of ejaculating causes Rags to void his bowels. With an involuntary shudder, the dog sprays Radiant Hope's face with explosive diarrhea. The thick stream of watery brown shit clings to her face and mane as she snorts some out her nose.

Rags had a bad case of intestinal parasites, so in addition to feces, Radiant Hope's face is covered with dozens of wriggling white worms; each one of them roughly about the size of a grain of rice.

Rags' stomach rumbles and your wife can tell he isn't finished. Radiant Hope leans forward and places her cum-stained lips over your dog's anus, eager to drink deeply from his brown river. Rags howls in pain as his second load of diarrhea fills Radiant Hope's mouth. She swallows all of your pet's watery waste before sticking her tongue inside to give Rags a rimjob and lick up any fecal traces she may have missed.

Once she's thoroughly slicked his sphincter with spit, Rags turns around and looks at Radiant Hope. The wriggling parasites tickle her nose and she sneezes on your dog, spraying his face with snot.

With your wife's boogers covering his face, Rags leans forward and proceeds to lick the shit off Radiant Hope. He then affectionately uses his tongue to lick up the snot dripping from her nose, which causes Radiant Hope to smile. She reveals her shit-stained teeth, crawling with intestinal parasites.

By this time, you've nearly reached your limit with the corpse. With a loud gulp, you swallow the unborn foal's miniscule mangled member. You then moan loudly as you dump a steaming load of testicle tartar into the dead colt's chest cavity. You fill the fetus up like a fancy pastry, with your excess cream spilling over the sides and squirting out the colt's open neck hole.

At this point, your mentally-retarded son, affectionately named Short Bus, starts screwing your 95-year-old mother doggy style. Short Bus is a large yellow earth pony with an overactive pituitary gland. He also has to wear a bright red helmet to prevent self-inflicted injuries.

Your mother, Peach Preserve, is an old peach-colored earth pony with a grey mane. Her pussy is like a warm grilled cheese sandwich; dry and crusty on the outside, but with a gooey and sticky center. Your mother has an uncontrollable bladder. As she became aroused, she started pissing all over Short Bus's crotch and legs. Your mom's various medical conditions caused her to discharge a viscous, mucus-like substance into her urine. Fortunately for your son, her sticky pee acted as a perfectly serviceable lube.

Short Bus laughs stupidly and drools all over his grandmother's backside while humping her pussy from behind. Rags, who's gotten stiff a second time, sets his sights on Short Bus' sphincter. Mounting your son from behind, Rags forms a train and sodomizes Short Bus' exhaust pipe with his doggie dong. The sensation of being anally raped was so shocking that it caused your son to spray chunky projectile vomit all over Peach Preserves' back. In spite of the pain, the anal rape did not deter Short Bus from his task. He continued to rail on your mother's mucousy muff, even after Rags slipped his doggie knot passed your son's sphincter.

Rags howled as he sprayed putrid puppy paste from his canine custard cannon into Short Bus's shit shaft. The sensation was too much for your son, who ejaculated inside your mother's malodorous mound. Loud, noisy queefs erupt from Peach Preserves' prehistoric pussy and echo throughout the talent agent's office. Her vaginal fart sounds became wetter as Short Bus' excess foal fondue started spraying out of Peach Preserves' putrid pie.

At this point, the only member of the family who had yet to join the act was your quadriplegic daughter. She has a copper-colored coat and a brown mane. She also has no arms or legs; only stumps. The neighborhood children pick on her because she can't stand up for herself. She may not be able to give a hoofjob, but she makes up for it by giving great head. You named her Penny, because all she does most of the time is lie on the ground and is considered practically worthless.

Wanting to be part of the act, Penny begins writhing in excitement, while her little pussy squirts juices everywhere. She vocalizes her delight, making these cute and innocent coos and squeaks. In addition to being a quadriplegic, Penny has cerebral palsy. She squirms in her red wagon and watches her family perform the act without her.

Suddenly, Penny starts foaming at the mouth and shaking wildly. She's having a seizure, which greatly displeases you and your wife. Penny always had a hard time following the routine, so she was rarely able to contribute more than the occasional unintentional series of loud queefs and farts. Today however, you needed to bring your 'A' game if you wanted to impress the talent agent, so you found a way for your daughter to play a more pivotal role in the act.

"If you're gonna act like a vibrator," Radiant Hope said curtly, "then we'll treat you like a vibrator!" Your wife then lays on her back and spreads her haunches wide. Her improvisational skills are what caused you to fall in love with Radiant Hope in the first place.

You lift your still-convulsing daughter out of her red wagon and set her down in front of her mother. Taking careful aim, you shove Penny's head into Radiant Hope's puffy pussy.

Your wife's belly starts swelling as Penny returns to the womb that carried her misshapen body for nearly a year. Penny's torso is still shaking as you shove half of her inside her mother.

"Oh yes!" Radiant Hope screams in orgasmic delight, "That feels good, Penny, you stupid, quivering queef queen! Keep shaking for mama!"

Penny's lower half was protruding out of your wife's pussy, making it look like your wife was giving birth to a log of shit. Being scared of the dark, your daughter pissed herself in fear. Her urine sprays your cock, making it nice and slick.

Seeing Penny's underage vagina is too tempting to pass up, so you shove your cock inside her. Each thrust tears her accordion-like folds a little more, coating your cock in her blood. Each push sends your daughter deeper inside her mother's womb.

Radiant Hope groans in discomfort as her stomach swells from Penny's painful unbirth. You've achieved a feat few had thought possible. They said it was just a myth, but you proved that it was possible to bang your wife and daughter's twats simultaneously. The cunt-ception tightly grips your shaft as you pump in and out of your wife and daughter.

The speed of your thrusts increase as you force yourself towards your second orgasm. The pussy lips of your wife and daughter stroke your stallionhood until you cock head explodes, filling Penny's underdeveloped womb with semen. You're not concerned with her getting pregnant. Her pussy is too young and too stupid to know how to make a foal.

Penny's pussy grips your cock so tight that when you pull out of Radiant Hope, you pull your daughter out as well. Cum and blood oozes from Penny's snatch as she gasps for breath. Her seizure is over, but she's still twitching from shock. Radiant Hope's sticky vaginal secretions and blood coat Penny's deformed body. Your wife pauses to catch her breath while playing with her gaping goo gash. She shudders as a quart of dark blood spews from her loose cooze.

Meanwhile, Peach Preserves lays on her back while your idiot son sits on her face. Her nose is buried in Short Bus' bloody crack. His retarded rectum is ruined after the reaming he received from Rags. Your son gives a loud fart before he expels his shit, blood and Rags' canine cum into your mother's mouth.

While this is going on, Rags is humping Peach Preserves' messy meat flaps, enjoying the feeling of sloppy seconds as your son's jizz flows from her Cretaceous cunt. While still sitting and shitting on your mother's face, Short Bus starts peeing on Rags. The dog opens his mouth and happily gulps down the retard's urine.

While using your mother's tongue as toilet paper, Short Bus reveals his deepest secret.

"Dad, I'm gay," Short Bus said.

Radiant Hope overhears this and is infuriated, just like any other good mother would be.

"No son of mine is a queer!" Radiant Hope shouts, "I will beat the gay right out of your ass!"

Radiant Hope shakily marches over to her son with blood still leaking out of her pussy. She yanks Short Bus off of your mother before she starts mercilessly beating him. Your retarded gay son's helmet does little to protect him from her wrath as she hits him repeatedly in the nose, smashing it flat. She holds her fore-hooves over his throat and starts choking him until his face turns blue. Before Short Bus can pass out, Radiant Hope releases him, but not before giving him a swift kick in the balls.

"Have you learned your lesson, faggot?" Radiant Hope asks.

"Yes, Mom," Short Bus said, weakly, while shielding his nuts with his fore-hooves.

"Good, now on with the show!" Radiant Hope commanded, happily, "Bend over so your father can sodomize you."

Obeying his mother's commands, Short Bus lifts his blood and shit-covered body and presents his ass to you. Your son lets out a painful scream as you spear his rear. Rags' doggie dick may have loosened your son's sphincter, but he still wasn't prepared for the girth of your jellied javelin. You start mercilessly reaming his rectum, while giving him a reach around. So there you are, covered in shit, blood and jelly as you sodomize your retarded son while jerking him off.

We're nearing the finale now. Peach Preserve vomits up Short Bus' bloody, cum-covered shit onto her chest and rubs it all over her body as she climaxes. Her sticky Jurassic jizz squirts onto Rags like crazy glue.

After smelling your mother's expired equine ejaculate, Rags pukes onto her chest, which mingles with her own vomit. Rags then pulls out of Peach Preserves' decrepit dick dugout and runs over to Penny so he can start humping her face.

Radiant Hope walks over to your mother and proceeds to flip Peach Preserves onto her stomach. You watch as your wife violently shoves her fore-hoof up your mother's ass.

Radiant Hope then inserts a toaster into her stretched snatch and sticks two slices of bread into it before turning it on. The heat is excruciating, causing her pussy lips to blister; but your wife's a professional and is willing to make any sacrifice for the act.

Short Bus starts sobbing, with blood pouring from his shattered nose as your ram your turgid horse pole balls deep into his ass. Watching your wife mercilessly hoof your mother's ass reminds you of your honeymoon.

Rags barks proudly as he cums down Penny's throat. The stupid filly thinks the dog's dick is her feeding tube and sucks happily on her puppy protein shake. Penny hiccups as her nose blows a large canine cum bubble.

After multiple orgasms, Rags' balls are now thoroughly drained. He pulls out of Penny's mouth and walks over to the dead fetus and starts lapping your semen out of the colt's open chest cavity. Once he's had his fill, Rags wanders over to a pool of vomit and starts rolling in it.

You can smell the bread browning in your wife's hot box and know that you're running out of time. Holding your son's flanks between your hooves, you pump back and forth with blistering speed as you desperately try to cum.

At the last second, you pull out of your son's ass and ejaculate into the air, just as the toast pops out of the toaster embedded in Radiant Hope's singed snatch.

Two shots of your jizz travel in an arc and hits the toast mid-air. Your cum coats both pieces of bread on one side. The jizz-drenched toast hangs in the air for a moment before falling towards the ground.

For a moment, the room goes silent and you watch the bread in breathless anticipation. You wonder whether or not the toast will land cum side up. It's details like this that make or break your act. Your family gasps when the two pieces of toast land on Penny's back, cum side up. She farts in surprise as you breathe a sigh of relief.

Radiant Hope removes the red-hot toaster from her pussy and shoves it inside your mother's gaping asshole. Your wife then walks next to Penny as you approach your daughter's other side.You and Radiant Hope each take one of the cum-drizzles pieces of toast off of your daughter's back and take a big bite.

After you and Radiant Hope finish eating the spunk-splattered toast, Short Bus, Peach Preserves and Rags join the rest of the family on a line.Your entire family is panting heavily and shaking. Everyone, including Rags, is covered in a mix of blood, sweat, snot, shit, piss, puke, cum, vaginal secretions and jelly. You all look at the talent agent and take a bow; all except your daughter, who's already as low to the ground as she can get.

"Well, that was an interesting act," the talent agent says, "What do you call yourselves?"

At this moment, you and Radiant Hope smile proudly and say, "The Aristocrats!"

Everything seemed to go by in slow motion for Bon Bon as she gave her version of the Aristocrats. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she concluded the joke.

Bon Bon blinked her eyes as though she was coming out of a comedy-induced trance. She listened for Hugh's voice on the other line. All Bon Bon could hear was obscene heavy breathing. Her caller gasped for air before he spoke.

"I came everywhere," Hugh Jelly said, while basking in his afterglow, "and it was glorious."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," Bon Bon said sweetly, "Please consider us for your next ejaculation."

"Oh I will!" Hugh Jelly said, emphatically, "You just earned yourself a regular customer!"

After the caller had hung up the phone, Bon Bon turned to Lyra and smiled. Her accomplished grin soon faded when Bon Bon saw that Lyra was lying still on the ground.

Bon Bon had been so focused on telling the joke that she had ignored the world around her. She didn't realize what effect her version of the Aristocrats would have on her marefriend.

Lyra had found the joke so hilarious that she laughed herself into a coma. She lay on the ground with her eyes closed and her mouth formed into a dopey grin. Bon Bon was legitimately scared now.

"What have I done?!" Bon Bon shouted as she cradled Lyra's limp, smiling body. Dragging her marefriend outside and loading her into a cart, Bon Bon ran as fast as she could to Ponyville General.

Lyra lay in a hospital bed while being hooked up to machines that monitored her vital signs. Bon Bon never left her marefriend's side. She stoked Lyra's mane and tried to communicate with her.

"I'm sorry," Bon Bon said anguished, "I'm so sorry. The Aristocrats was never intended for general audiences. I should never have exposed you to it."

Lyra lay there with her eyes closed and made no response. Bon Bon started to fear that she'd never hear her marefriend's voice again.

"Please say something!" Bon Bon said desperately, "Tell me about your human theories! Anything!"

Her pleas were met with Lyra's stoney silence. Bon Bon was about to slip into despair, when she had one last desperate idea. She would attempt to rouse Lyra from her coma through sexy talk.

"The nectar from your minty rosebud tastes exquisite," Bon Bon whispered seductively into Lyra's ear, "Your petals are so puffy and wet. I want you to cum for me."

Lyra's eyes twitched as her nethers began to grow moist from the thought of her marefriend's touch.

"Bon Bon," Lyra muttered weakly, "I'm cuuuummmmming..."

Lyra made sure to emphasize the short 'U' sound. Bon Bon's face lit up as she saw the effect her words were having. She tried tried to further motivate her marefriend.

"Yes, cum for me, Lyra!" Bon Bon said louder as tears filled her eyes, "Let me drink deeply from your sweet pussy punch!"

Lyra's medical equipment was beeping frantically as her heart rate increased. She was experiencing an unconscious orgasm.

"I'm cumming!" Lyra shouted as her dam broke and she soaked her bedsheets with mare lube. Slowly, Lyra opened her eyes and looked at Bon Bon, who was crying with joy. Lyra smiled weakly at her marefriend.

"I had the craziest wet dream," Lyra said, "and you were in it." Bon Bon threw her arms around Lyra and hugged her. After looking around her hospital room, Lyra looked slightly concerned at her marefriend.

"How long have I been out?" Lyra asked. An earth pony nurse had heard the recent beeping from the equipment and came in to check on the patient. She walked in and smiled when she saw that Lyra was awake. The nurse stood at the doorway and listened to Lyra and Bon Bon talk.

"You were unconscious all day," Bon Bon said, "What's the last thing you remember?"

"I remember the dog filling Radiant Hope's mouth with diarrhea," Lyra said, "After that though, everything became a blur."

The nurse's face grew pale and she slowly backed out of the room and pretended that she hadn't heard anything.

"I thought that I was going to die laughing from that joke," Lyra said smiling.

"You nearly did," Bon Bon said cautiously, "The Aristocrats is too dangerous for mainstream audiences. I should never have told it while you were there."

"Don't worry about me," Lyra said, "I'll be fine. What about the caller? Did you impress Hugh Jelly?"

"I did," Bon Bon said, reluctantly, "but it wasn't worth almost losing you..."

There was an uncomfortable pause. Lyra looked at Bon Bon.

"What are you saying?" Lyra asked.

Later that evening, Chatterbox was signing paperwork in her office, when there was a knock at her door.

"Come in," Chatterbox said in her naturally sexy voice. Lyra and Bon Bon walked inside her office and stood in front of her desk.

"I wanted to thank you for giving us a job at Frisky Fillies," Bon Bon said, "Unfortunately, Lyra and I need to quit. The rigors of the job have put a strain on our relationship."

Chatterbox stared at Lyra and Bon Bon. She looked each of them in the eye before she smiled.

"I completely understand," Chatterbox said, "Most ponies only take this job when they're desperate for money. This profession has an abnormally high turnover rate. Quite frankly, you two have stuck around longer than most phone sex operators."

"So, you're not mad that we're leaving?" Lyra asked.

"Mad? Never!" Chatterbox said, "I'll certainly be sad to see you go, though. Candy Ass and G-String have become the unofficial voices of Frisky Fillies. Your interview with Howie Tern really helped put us on the map and generated loads of new business. Phone sex just won't be the same without you two."

"It's not like we're never coming back," Bon Bon said, "We're just going to take a break while we pursue other career paths."

After thanking Chatterbox again and giving her a goodbye hug, Lyra and Bon Bon left Frisky Fillies headquarters. The two marefriends went home to look for their next vocation.

Chatterbox returned to her desk and let out a sigh. She pulled out Lyra and Bon Bon's employment records. Their portfolios were thick from caller feedback and other notes. Chatterbox was about fill out the necessary paperwork for their resignation, when she received a phone call. The mare on the other line sounded intoxicated.

"Hallo?" the tipsy mare said, "It this Ponyville Liquor Delivery? I'd like to place two of my regular orders, and an additional case of spiced apple cider." Chatterbox was about to hang up, when she heard a filly's voice speak in an annoyed whisper.

"No, Mom, this is Frisky Fillies, remember?" the filly said to the drunk, "Just read from the script like I told you."

"I'm sorry Pinshy," the mare said as she started to cry, "Mama's trying, but the words keep jumping around on the paper."

"Oh, never mind," the filly said as she took the phone away from her mother. Chatterbox was curious as to where this was going.

"Hello, Chatterbox?" the filly said, "My name's Berry Pinch. You don't know me, but my mother works at Ponyville's cryobank. I have a proposal for you which I feel will be mutually beneficial."

It had been one week since Bon Bon had taken Hugh Jelly's phone call. After quitting Frisky Fillies, the two marefriends were finally getting used to sleeping at night again.

Lyra was watching the evening news while Bon Bon made calls in another room as she searched for their next job.

"And in business news, the stock price isn't the only thing rising at Ponyville's cryobank these days," Erin Bro-nett said, "The bank's brain trust, Berry Punch, recently struck a deal with the phone sex service Frisky Fillies. A private hotline has been installed in each of the sample collection booths. Cocks and stocks are up, as the cryobank recently reported the most successful quarter they've seen in years. Productivity is at an all-time high, and the baby gravy train shows no signs of slowing down."

"Well, good for them," Lyra said as she turned off the television. At that moment, Bon Bon entered the room with an excited look on her face.

"Good news, Lyra," Bon Bon said, "I've found our next job!"

"Don't tell me," Lyra said, dubiously, "You signed us up to work at an exotic bakery; but due to a typo in the ad, we'll actually be working in an erotic bakery and spend the next several months making genitalia-shaped cakes."

"No, Ms. Smartypants," Bon Bon said, "I figured we could use our descriptive talents to entertain instead of arouse. I got us a job at Ponyville Library. We'll run the weekly Storytime Corner, reading books to children."

"Oh," Lyra said surprised, "That actually sounds like fun. Okay. Let's do it!"