Batsy Fluffentuft (not the most respected of the lunar guards, and in fact on super-probation from Princess Luna herself) manages to escape into the town of Canterlot and have herself an adventure.
Batsy Fluffentuft (not the most respected of the lunar guards, and in fact on super-probation from Princess Luna herself) manages to escape into the town of Canterlot and have herself an adventure.
Goddess above, I am such a genius of a mare! I laugh to myself, but quiet-like, so the other Lunar Guards won't hear me. I am sneaky, super sneaky, a master of the arts of stealth, and I have an infallible plan.
I'm going to sneak out of the barracks (wait for this) in the daytime! Nopony will ever suspect it! Genius, right?
I tippy-hoof (tippy-toe?) my way down the center of the hall, still sniggering to myself about my incredible plan, and I make my way to the big, oversized door at the end. All my fellow bat pony guards are asleep, and a lot of them are snoring really loudly, but I don't hear any squeaky-squeaky-chirp to suggest any of them are awake. Perfect.
When I get to the door, there's a problem. There's a big problem.
There's a sign on the door, it looks really official and stuff. It says 'Batsy Fluffentuft may not pass this point without responsible supervision and a leash or other restraint. By order of Princess Luna and in accordance with the Batsy probation principles laid down in §102.8 of the Lunar Guard Handbook, Scratch-n-Sniff Edition. Violators will be denied treats. THAT MEANS YOU, BATSY!'
That last part is new to me, and scrawled in red marker. Probably has something to do with how I told them I didn't know it applied to me last time I snuck out.
I sigh. I wouldn't have to sneak out if it weren't for that big, officious Princess putting me on super-probation and writing a new section of the Handbook just for me. And it was all because of some silly misunderstanding about that one time I stole Princess Celestia's crown.
I was going to give it back before she woke up in the morning, but no, everypony just had to make a big deal about it and call it a national incident and stuff. It wasn't my fault those three fillies got a picture of me wearing it and published it in their rinky-dink school newspaper. And the damage to it (if anypony asks) was also entirely not my fault. Also, the stains weren't my fault. Especially not the stains. That was Echo's doing, when she was trying to take it back from me. If she hadn't tried so hard to take it back, I wouldn’t have had to ditch it in a trash can.
I was going to come back and retrieve it later, and then clean it, and then hammer out the dent, and then put it back on Celestia's head before sunup. But then, somepony had gotten Princess Luna involved.
I shake my head and turn away from the door. I'm a clever bat pony, and no door can stop Batsy Fluffentuft the Magnificent, no matter what's written on it. (Unless it said 'Free cider'. I guess I would stop for a door that said that.)
You see, I have a magnificent and foolproof plan. Plan A might have been to go through the door, but I sure don't want to go without treats! Princess Luna bakes the very best bat treats in the whole world, so I'm definitely not going to risk missing out on that! I think for a moment of watching my whole battalion happily munching on the very tastiest bat treats ever, and myself not getting any. I shudder at the thought. It doesn't bear thinking about.
Thankfully, there's a plan B. With plan B, I don't have to violate the door's edicts, not even a little bit.
I sneak back down the hall, totally silent except for my hooves on the tile and my breathing and the rustling of my leathery wings. Totally silent.
At the other end of the hall is a bathroom. It's unoccupied. I go in and close the door behind me, so softly that it only makes a little thud. Then I lock it, because I can't be disturbed, not while I'm doing this!
No, no, plan B isn't taking a dump! Goddess, give me some credit, okay? There's a window in the bathroom. It's always covered with dark curtains in deference to our batlike sensibilities, but with my clever observational skills, I've determined that there is a window behind it. And the window opens!
My smelly secondary escape plan is fifty percent complete! I hope Princess Luna doesn't revise the Handbook to include this situation. That's a scratch-n-sniff I can leave unsniffed, even if scratching is mandatory for the full reading experience.
I pull back the curtains.
Gaah! The light, it burns! In the window, the evil day star stares at me, and it burns my poor batty eyes. Why didn't anypony tell me the sun was so bright? I mean, sure, they said it was brighter than the moon and the stars put together, but I wasn't expecting this. Holy crap!
After a few endless minutes of agonizing pain, my eyes adjust to it and I can see fine without any pain. Awesome, I'm even greater and more magnificent than I thought! I mean, it's still really bright, but now it only hurts a little bit. Neat.
The outside looks a lot different with all this light everywhere. But, hey, that's what I was going out for, to find (and loot) new things, right?
More or less convincing myself that I (probably) wouldn’t die from all the sunlight, I reach up and click open the window's latch, then swing it open.
The smells and sounds hit me immediately. There are a lot of things flying around and chirping ... but their chirping is way too low-pitched to be batlike, and they're way too colorful. And the daytime smells different. Thanks to the Handbook, I can recognize the scents of daytime flowers, and warm grass, and a little bistro down the street. Cool!
So then, all I have to do is go out through the window.
It's not a very big window.
But I am Batsy Fluffentuft the Magnificent, and no window can frighten me, no matter how tiny it is! I hop up onto the toilet seat, and then shove my head and front hooves through the window. So far, so good.
When I try to squeeze through my backside, though, I encounter a slight difficulty.
You see, Princess Luna's bat treats might be the tastiest bat treats in all of Equestria, but they weren't exactly a low-calorie food. And as proud as I am of devouring so many of them (third highest in my whole battalion, according to our score sheet), their effects on the thickness of my rump were causing me difficulties in my current window-squeezing situation.
I pushed and pulled and shoved, grunting and groaning, but I was pretty stuck.
But then an idea occurred to me. What if I shoved my rump through first? Then I couldn't get stuck hanging out the window like this! All I had to do was pull back inside and then...
Uh oh.
I couldn’t pull myself back in, either! That's when I really start struggling, groaning loudly as I try to shove my too-thick backside back inside.
A knock comes at the bathroom door. “Are you almost done in there, Batsy? I need to take a piss!”
Nopony's supposed to know I'm in here! How did they know it was me?
The knock comes again, but no words this time. Who had that been? I know the squeak in that voice... it was... who was it? Aha! It was Nightwing.
Nightwing is my commanding officer. That is not good. She's the last one I want finding me in such a compromising position (again).
I squeeze and squirm in the window, groaning as I painfully squeeze myself through it.
"Are you okay in there, Batsy? Did you eat something bad? ... Should I call for a doctor? That sounds really bad."
Things are going to get bad if they force the door open and find me like this. I have to get out, and now!
One final, heroically magnificent push, and I'm through the window. “Aha!” I shout to the world. But then I notice my current situation. “Aaaah!” I keep squeaking as I plummet toward a courtyard far below, flailing my legs all over the place, absolutely certain I'm about to die.
But then I remember the great thing about me, I'm a bat pony. I open my wings and catch the air, using my downward momentum to circle most of the way back up to the window.
Which window was it? There's a lot of windows on the guard barracks' tower, and they all look exactly the same. Aha! The open one! (My awesome powers of deduction impress even me, sometimes.)
I flit up to it. I need to tell Nightwing something to stall her and get her to not open the bathroom door.
When I get to it, a unicorn mare screams. “Get away from that window, you pervert!” She slams the curtains closed over the window, and I back away.
Huh. Wrong window after all. That must have been one of the female Solar Guard barracks. Silly Solar Guards, separating male and female barracks. How are they supposed to get any hanky-panky time in when they were all separated like that? Maybe they're all gay? For once, I'm grateful that there aren't many Lunar Guards, not enough to justify splitting us up. I much prefer sleeping all together. Not that we all slept together, together (though I'd probably enjoy that, too!)
Making a mental note of the female guards' window (for future reference, just in case it proves to be useful), I flap back a little and look again. There it is, the right window, a couple rows above.
Once I get back to that one, I call out to Nightwing, who is no doubt still waiting at the door, “Just a minute, I'm almost done!"
Now, all I need to do is come up with an ingenious plan. After that, it'll be easy. And coming up with a genius plan is easy to do, because I'm Batsy the Magnificent, and I am a genius. I think for a few moments, coming up with a lot of plans that definitely won't work. Wow, this is harder than I thought.
Eventually, though, it comes to me. (Of course it does. And it's perfect!)
"Okay, Nightwing,” I call out, “I'm all done!"
"I'm not Nightwing, I'm Moon Glitter,” she answers.
I ignore Nightwing's feeble subterfuge and proceed with my incredible plan. “I'm flushing the toilet now...” Reaching in through the window as far as I can, I can just barely reach the flush handle, and I push it down. As soon as it starts to flush, I cry out, “Aaah! Oh no! My tail fell into the drain! I'm being sucked in! Aaah! The horror!” As the flush reaches its gurgling end, I let my screams slowly fade off, and I quietly close the bathroom window.
Did it work? I hover just outside the window, watching. The curtain is still open. I wish I had thought to close that, but it's too late now.
After a moment, the door gets kicked open. Moon Glitter rushes in, her eyes wide and frantically looking for me, staring into the toilet bowl and shouting at it.
I giggle to myself. Perfect! It worked perfectly. I'm not worried about being seen. It will take a few moments for Glitter's eyes to adjust to the brightness enough for her to look out through the window. I am impressed that Nightwing was able to find Moon Glitter and get her to break down the door so quickly. Nightwing must be really dedicated to making me think it wasn't her out there. (But, of course, I know better.)
I dive away from the window before her eyes adjust, still laughing to myself about how they'll spend all day trying to fish me out of the sewer. Brilliant!
Now, though, I'm free! Nopony is watching me to make sure I don't violate Princess Luna's probation rules, and nopony even knows I'm out here. I'm totally free to do whatever I want! Finally!
Well, I'm bored.
What to do, what to do? I spiral aimlessly down toward the ground, now able to see the ponies and buildings below more clearly. It's forcing me to blink and squint all over again. Goddess above, day ponies sure are colorful! Why do they have to be so garish they hurt my eyes?
Some of them run away when I touch down on the ground. I get that sometimes. Some ponies (especially day ponies) seem not to be able to handle how magnificent I am. I don't let it get to me, though. They'll get over it when they're able to, and then they can give me the appreciation I deserve. Until then, I'll just wave and grin as they run and panic.
Not all of them run, though. Some of them can handle me, apparently. Some wave back, some roll their eyes and ignore me. (I have no idea how they can ignore such magnificence, but I figure that they, too, will come around in time.)
And thus, I begin my adventure, strutting off into the streets of Canterlot's shopping district, just below the barracks wing of Canterlot Castle. I set off in search of ways to enrich my life – loot to liberate, cider to drink, tail to chase... All the best things in life, and it is all mine for the taking without any royally-appointed nanny watching over my shoulder!
I'd walked about three steps when I discover my destination. (Which I have no doubt been heading directly for the entire time, all according to my genius plan, which I definitely have totally planned out ahead of time.)
In front of me is a big glass window in a pink wall. Inside the window are little shelves. On the little shelves are lots of different little pastries and treats. Most importantly, though, through the open door wafts a most delicious melody of scents. It's like when Princess Luna bakes her bat treats, but a thousand times over and in a thousand different variations.
Drooling a little, I proceed through the wonderful door, that incredible gateway to heaven.
Inside, everything is pink and darker pink and lighter pink. There are tables and chairs and a big pink counter behind them that has more treats encased in glass. Nopony seems to be there, though I hear noises coming from the back room.
Perfect! I rush around to the other side of the big window I saw from outside, but this side, too, is encased in glass panes, separating me from those delicious-looking treats.
Which ones do I want the most? Which ones to steal first? I move along the glass, sniffing at them, even though I know I'm just smelling a mix of all of them each time.
Aha! There! Those look just like bat treats, but they're in all different colors! I have to know what they taste like!
But they're encased in glass. How can I get at them? I chuckle to myself. Of course I know how to get through glass.
A deep breath, and then I shriek as loud and as high-pitched as I can, right in front of the glass pane. Day ponies won't hear it – it's above their pathetic hearing range.
It shatters.
Success! Shamelessly, I avail myself of those delicious delicacies in the display case. Occasionally, I have to spit out crunchy bits of broken glass, but it's so delicious I don't even care. Sure, Princess Luna's bat treats are nice, probably even better than these, but these are new, and it's really exciting!
“Hey! Did you just break my display case?”
I whirl around to face whoever just yelled at me, striking an innocent pose.
There's a tall, pink day pony stallion staring at me with very angry-looking eyes. He's wearing a white apron and pointing a hoof at me. He's kind of hot.
Wiping the frosting away from my lips, I shake my head. “Nope! Um, probably just the wind.”
He glares at me.
“...or something.” I don't think he's buying it. That's a problem.
“You have a lot of explaining to do.” He glares at me some more, pretty unfairly. (I've been glared at enough already.) “And a display case to pay for.”
Time to lay on the charm. “Hi,” I say with a smile, “I'm Batsy Fluffentuft the Magnificent.”
“You're in trouble, that's what you are.”
I don't much care for being in trouble. It's a real damper on my lifestyle. “No no no, everything's fine.”
“Really?”
“I...” Gotta think fast on this one. Aha! “Don't worry. I'll do anything to make it up to you.” I give him a very charming wink, and an even more charming sly grin.
“Anything?” he asks.
I nod.
He's looking thoughtful now, his mouth quirked and a hoof tapping against his chin. “And I assume you're not able to pay?”
I shrug. It's not my fault that my colleagues beat me at cards. Just a run of bad luck. I'll win it all back soon, plus a lot more, I'm sure.
“Well...” He turns around and heads back for the back room again (giving me an excellent chance to check out his backside, which is truly marvelous). “I could use a little help. Follow me, please.”
My grin is as wide as can be, and my hooves barely touch the floor as I trot along behind him. Damn, I'm magnificent! This is (more or less) exactly how I envisioned the day going.
The back room is full of ingredients and mixing bowls and lots of shiny machines that I don't know what they do. I expect him to stop, but he keeps walking through. I don't get it – this place has plenty of privacy for me to 'help' him.
He leads me to a trap door in the back of the room, which he opens with his magic.
Cheating horned day ponies with their magic! One day, I promise myself, I'm going to become the first bat pony alicorn, just so I can have awesome magic to play with. I follow him as he descends through the door into a dark, narrow staircase.
What is this? Is he taking me down into some secret sex dungeon? Neat! That'll be kinky!
But when we get to the bottom, I'm disappointed. It's totally dark down here, but a few squeaks of echolocation tell me that it's full of boxes and spiderwebs and old machines like the ones upstairs. There aren't any couches, restraints, whips, or even any sex swings. What kind of a third-rate sex dungeon is this?
The stallion turns to me. “My assistant is terrified of this place, and she won't go in here, and I'm too busy with all the orders we get. It would be a useful storage space, but it's all full of spiders and expired ingredients from the store's previous owner. And the lights are broken, which makes it hard to work in here, but the fuse panel is behind all that junk.”
“Where's the sex swing?” I ask.
He backs away with a start. “The... what?” Shaking his head, he brushes the thought away by brushing a hoof through his mane. “Well, all that makes it nearly impossible for me to get it cleaned out, but I'm betting the darkness down here doesn't bother you, does it?”
Why would darkness bother anypony? Did day ponies not like the dark for some reason? I ponder this for a moment. Maybe darkness hurts day pony eyes the same way sudden light hurts bat pony eyes. That would make sense.
“Well?” He's staring at me.
That's not good. Was I not paying attention? “Um... what?”
He rolls his eyes. “You're not the brightest, are you?”
“I'm one of the brightest-colored bat ponies in my whole platoon!” I boast. “Just look how blue my mane is! There's hardly any greyness in it at all.”
He sighs, no doubt overcome with the beautiful color of my mane. “I brought you down here to offer you a deal: You clean out this basement and get the lights working again, and I won't call the Royal Guard about your vandalism and theft.”
“I'm a royal guardspony,” I helpfully inform him, “so you could just call me.”
“I won't call you. I'll call other guards, and I don't think they'll be happy with what they see.”
That was a problem, and worse, it was still daytime, so none of them would be my buddies coming to help me out of a jam. Crap! I'd hardly been out for more than a few minutes, and I was already in trouble. How could this happen?
“Well, do we have a deal?”
It would take hours to clean out this basement! But, then again, if the day guards came, they would arrest me, and Princess Luna would hear about it, and she'd put me on even more probation ... and probably not give me any bat treats for several days. It wouldn't matter that much, I suppose, since I'm already on pretty much permanent probation, but it would end my day of freedom all too early. If I finished this basement – or found a way to sneak out – first, then I'd still have a little bit of the day left before I needed to sneak back into my barracks and pretend I was asleep the whole night. (And claim to know nothing about being sucked into the toilet 'what a ridiculous notion'.)
“Okay,” I say, “I'll do it.”
He nods. “Good. You'll find some cleaning supplies under the stairs here. Just toss all these old boxes into the dumpster out back.”
I nod slowly. “And then the sex?”
He plants his hoof in his face, then shakes his head, groaning. Finally he looks at me and says in a sarcastic tone, “Don't you think you should at least take me out to dinner first?”
“Sounds good,” I say. “You'll have to pay, though, 'cause I'm broke.”
With another roll of his eyes, he pushes past me on the narrow stairs and clomps his way up. “If you'll excuse me, I've got to go clean up the mess you made upstairs before any customers come in.”
“Okay, you're excused,” I call up to him as he disappears in the little opening of light above. I remember something. “Oh! What's your name?”
“Taffy Winkle,” his voice calls down from up above. That's a nice name, I think. For some weird reason, I like the way he says it.
So... Now... The room ... and stuff. There sure are a lot of boxes down here. And a lot of spiders – I can hear them rustling around here and there.
I never did much like the taste of spider, especially not the web-building types. But what has to be done, has to be done, I suppose.
I wade into the darkness, picking out a dusty broom from under the stairs to swipe the spiderwebs away from the first few boxes. Once those are clear, I can pick them up and haul them up the stairs.
It isn't easy, hauling boxes up these stairs. There's no railing, and the stairs are a little steeper than normal, which makes it tricky. Plus, the passageway is so narrow, it makes handling the bigger boxes difficult.
But I manage, and I haul them right out through the bakery's back door. The dumpster is right next to the door, making things easy. As I should have expected for Canterlot, even the dumpster was surprisingly clean and nice-looking, making it easy to get rid of the stupid boxes.
It's really nice outside, despite the sunshine and the weird day-bird noises. There are a couple alleys, leading out of the courtyard the dumpster is in, but Taffy will probably be watching those. I need to be clever. Thankfully, I'm the most magnificent, cleverest bat pony ever to set hoof in Canterlot. Or not set hoof! I chuckle to myself. He probably forgot that I can fly!
I set off upward toward the clear blue sky, already tasting freedom (which tastes much better than web spiders).
“Going somewhere?” Taffy asks.
I freeze in mid-flight, which has the unfortunate consequence of me crashing back down to the ground. How did he know?
“I hope you don't run off. Or fly off. Because if you did, I'd have to call the Guard, and I doubt it would take them long to find somepony as distinctive as you.”
Damn, he's right. If they were on my scent, they'd spot my obvious magnificence from a mile away, and I'd have no chance of evading them. “I... I was just stretching my wings a little before going back down there.”
“Good,” he says. And he watches me as I slink back down into the basement hole, not taking his eyes off of me until I'm all the way back in there.
Well, it looks like I'm stuck with this job. This time, when I use the broom, I sweep off all the boxes I can reach first. This is going to take a while.
Hours and hours and hours and then some more hours of hard labor and gruesome spider-eating later, I'm finally finished. I'm tired, a little sweaty, and covered in dust, but the only thing left to do is get the lights working again.
The fuse panel is on the far side, and I can finally get to it. When I open it, though, three more spiders look back at me. I groan, stuffed already, but I snarf them down in the name of getting out of here in time to enjoy the rest of my day.
With that done, what's left is pretty obvious. One of the fuse crystals inside is completely burnt and shattered, probably because somepony tried to pull too much magic through it. There aren't any spares laying around, so I go back up the stairs.
Taffy is up there, mixing something in a bowl, using his hoof to hold the spoon. Weird. If I had day pony magic, I'd never stoop to using my hooves to hold anything. I am intrigued by how his rump wiggles back and forth as he stirs, though.
“Hey,” I say, “I'm finished with all the cleaning, but I can't get the lights back on 'cause there's no spare fuse crystals down there.”
He looks back at me. “Oh, you're done with all those boxes already? It hasn't even been an hour yet. Nice work, if you're telling me the truth.”
It seemed like it took a lot longer than that... I shrug.
“Well, if I have any spares, they'll be in the drawers under the register.” He puts down his bowl and walks back out toward the front counter.
After following him there, I don't see any reason not to enjoy the view as he leans over and rummages around in there. Taffy does have some wonderfully long legs and a nice, taut—
“Here you go!” He turns and holds a small box for me in his magic. “What color was the old one?”
It had been pretty badly singed, but not bad enough to change all its color. “Red.”
“Alright,” he says, his magic lifting the right one out of the box. “There you go.”
We stand there a moment, staring at each other, before I realize he's waiting for me to go back and put it in. “Okay, then,” I say, expertly playing off the awkward pause as nothing at all. I make sure to shake my tail at him a little as I head back to the staircase, just for good measure.
Once I'm down there, fixing it is simple, just sweep out the remains of the old crystal and shove the new one in. As soon as I do, the lights all come on. They're blinding and dazzling me, and I shriek a little. Why did they have to leave the lights turned on?
A bit peeved at Taffy – or whoever had done it – I head back upstairs. It was time for him to let me go, so I could finally get back to enjoying my hard-won freedom.
But when I get upstairs, he's off somewhere in the front. I hear ponies talking in weird, angry tones. Is he with a customer? It must not be a very nice customer, for them to be talking like that.
When I get a little closer to the door, I can hear Taffy clearly: “I told you, I already paid this month. Slick Saddles picked it up.”
“Slick Saddles is a dirty filcher what don't work with us no more,” some stallion's voice replied.
“Well, he's the one who has your money. I can't afford to pay double protection.”
“Oh, we knows that. Problem is, he's gone off and took the train to Fillydelphia, and we're gonna pursue that lead ... to the fullest extent. You, though, you's right here, right now, and we needs the money right here, right now. You seein' how that works?”
“Well, I don't have it.”
There's a long silence, and the unknown stallion sighs. A couple other ponies are laughing to each other in high-pitched nervous giggles.
The stallion speaks again, “That's truly unfortunate, you see, 'cause without no money, we can't guarantee anymore that nuttin' bad happens to this place.” Another pause. “Or to you.”
That's enough of that! I creep out behind them, two greenish-blue stallions on either side of a short fat grey one. I just slowly walk right up behind the big one and let my mouth open, showing my fangs, letting my wings flare out for maximum scariness.
I'm almost touching the big one before one of the two at his side finally sense me approaching. He whirls around and points at me, then screams. “Aaah! A vampony!”
When the other two spin around to look, I hiss and really bare my fangs.
The three stallions trip all over themselves before they finally manage to run out of the bakery. It's honestly difficult to keep a straight face the whole time, but I have to make sure I stay scary until they're totally gone.
Only after they're long gone and probably halfway down the street do I drop the act.
Taffy's staring at me, his eyes wide. He seems unsure if he should have run away along with the three stallions, even though he's seen me before and knows who I am.
I smile at him, and he relaxes.
“Sweet Pink Goddess above, you even had me scared.” He shakes his head and shivers. “You look like hell.”
Looking down at myself, I take a moment to really notice all the dust and spiderwebs all over me. Well, at least it would have made my 'vampony' act more convincing. (Although, really, vamponies are a myth and one that's very hurtful to us noble bat ponies. Not that it matters. I'm totally cool with it and it doesn't bother me at all.) “Basement's done!” I tell him happily.
Taffy chuckles a little and smiles at me. Damn, he's cute. Wait, what? No, I didn't say that! I mean hot. Yeah, he's hot, real stud and all. Muscles, butt, legs, lots of sex. Definitely all about sex. No romantic interests for this mare, no way! I'm far too magnificent for that mushy codependent stuff. But when he turns back to the register, but glances over sideways at me, I flush all over again. “I guess that means you're free to go,” he says.
We both stand there a little longer, looking at each other.
“Thank you for saving me from those guys,” Taffy says after a moment. “I'm sure you didn't know, but the big one, the one in charge, he's got a huge fear of vamponies. I don't know if he'll ever dare to show up around here again.”
I smile at him and lean a little closer. “So... Date?”
Taffy looks right at me, recoils, and rolls his eyes. Then he looks back at his cash register, all businesslike. But then he glances at me, just a moment before he looks away again. When he looks at me yet again, his cheeks look a bit more reddish shade of pink than the rest of him. He shakes his head vehemently and looks away.
Well, so much for getting a piece of that. Still, I suppose there are plenty of other stallions in Canterlot who would love to—
He looks back at me again, making a strange sort of whining noise before his voice finally finds a way out of him, “Aaah, um...” He sighs. “Okay.”
I jump for joy. Yes! “Score! Waterfall Bistro at four thirty. Don't be late!” I'd have him in bed in no time! That settled, I head for the door. Plenty of time. Maybe I could find some good loot out in the shopping district before then.
“Ah, you are going to clean up first, right?”
I look down at myself. Right. Still very, very dirty. And not the good kind of dirty. “Sure!” I say, though I have no idea how, and I spring out through the door.
Sweet! I got some treats, and I got a date with a hot stallion, and the day's only half over. Taffy was right, though, I really need a shower. I'm still covered in spiderwebs and dust! And I'm not likely to find any showers in the Canterlot shopping district.
Ignoring the occasional cries of terror around me (I have that effect on day ponies, didn't I say?), I take a running start and soar upward, working my way back to the barracks tower.
I'd just need to slip in, take a quick shower, and slip back out. Nopony even needed to know I'd been back. Of course, nopony knew I was gone either, right?
As I near the right window (I'm pretty sure it's the right window), I'm reminded, though, that somepony did know I was gone ... though they didn't know where.
Yelling and sounds of ponies hard at work came from above.
When I make it up high enough to peek in the window, I see what the problem is. The bathroom door has been kicked down, the toilet is completely removed, and several burly stallions are busy tearing up the stone floor around the drain pipe as my whole squad crowds in to watch from behind them.
Right above the hole, my commanding officer, Nightwing, yells down as loudly as she can. “Hold on Batsy! We're coming! Just try not to slip any further down!”
Uh oh.
Okay, no biggie. Later, I'd just need to get myself all wet before I came back in through the front door. I'll tell them I got sucked through the whole sewer system and fought my way free at the treatment plant. Perfect.
Now, about a shower, though... Well, the barracks isn't the only place in Canterlot with a shower. I'll just have to 'borrow' someone else's.
I glide down into Canterlot proper again, leaving my silly comrades to work on fishing me out of the castle's sewer system. They'll get over it, I'm sure, and we'll all laugh about it later. Fun times. And the bathroom needs to be redone anyway – it smells funny and the tiles are ugly.
Drifting lower, I alight on top of one of Canterlot's many spires.
A few pigeons flutter, sending me into a well-practiced and very appropriate combat stance before I assess the threat and find them to be harmless. To say I was startled or something would be a gross oversimplification of a very complex and finely honed combat reaction reflex.
Of course, that jump leaves me sliding down the roof of the spire, my hooves squeaking as they slide across the smooth surface. As the roof steepens, I slide faster, until I finally lose my grip entirely and fall backward, just barely catching a rain gutter with my back hooves. It rattles and creaks ... but at least it doesn't break and fall.
No matter. I'm perfectly comfortable hanging upside down, and this is a perfect vantage point for watching the city.
Where should I go to find a shower? Well, what kinds of places have showers? I can't go back to the barracks, not now that they're looking for me. I can't even sneak into the day guards' barracks – what if they search the plumbing in the whole building and find me showering there? I'm pretty good at explaining things away (I have a way with words), but that would be a challenge even for me.
So no barracks then, but barracks buildings are only one of the many different kinds of places that have showers. I may not know all that much about day ponies, but I'm sure they have showers somewhere. I could go to a hotel, maybe. Hotels definitely have showers in them, and they're open to anypony. That's a plus. The downside, though, is that they also charge money, and I don't have any. I could just go get some money ... that's one option. But that's also risky. Maybe there's a better way.
What else? Ponies have showers in their houses, but they're not free for just anypony to use ... or are they? I smiled an upside-down smile. All I'll need to do is lay on a little bit of my magnificent Batsy charm, and I'm sure anypony I ask will be happy to let me use their shower. Maybe they'll even take it with me ... flirty group showers are my favorite kind of shower!
With that decided, I release my back legs and let myself plummet down the side of the building.
Relax, okay? I'm a bat pony. You know, with wings and all, and totally used to swooping down like this? With an expert angling of my wings, I arc upward ... and straight into a tree.
Ow. The tree rustles back and forth, loose leaves dropping from it.
Shaking my head to clear the stars from my vision, I congratulate myself on my excellent choice in landing spots. From inside this tree, I can look out over a wide town square and watch all the ponies here, picking out the perfect one to ask for a shower. Now there are leaves and twigs stuck in my mane in addition to the dust and cobwebs, but that's nothing a shower can’t also fix. The important part is to pick which pony will have the honor of letting me use their shower.
There's a mother and her three little children, one of them in a stroller ... no, she looks too busy. An elderly businessmare in a black pantsuit ... I take one look at her pointed muzzle, her slicked-back mane, the permanent scowl on her face, and I dismiss her. She looks way too mean and stingy to be giving anything away for free, no matter how charming the bat pony asking her is.
But not all the prospects are bad. There's a lanky colt trying to make a few bits by juggling on the street corner ... he might not have a shower, but if he does, I'm sure he'll be happy to let me use it. A couple old stallions are playing chess under the very tree I'm in, brushing new-fallen leaves out of their sparse manes ... it would make their day to have a mare like me paying attention to them. And there's a group of three cute young stallions making their way across the square and laughing at each other's jokes ... a shower with the three of them would be awesome!
The one who really catches my eye, though, is a burly tan stallion in white smock and a little folded cook's hat, with a pink donut on his flank. Me-ow! Now that's somepony I wouldn’t mind seeing all wet in the shower with me!
Of course, I'll keep the others as backup plans – not that I ever need backup plans, but I do always plan everything out thoroughly in advance. It's why I always succeed at everything I do.
They say that no plan survives first contact with the enemy, though. Since my plan didn't survive first contact with the ground, I have to conclude that the ground is my enemy. The moment I touch down, everypony in the square looks at me. The next moment, they all run away, screaming about Canterlot being invaded again. Even the hot guy with the donut flank ran!
In the now-empty square, I sit on top of the abandoned chess board, pieces scattered around me, and pout. I mean, I know my utter magnificence is hard to take in all at once, but they could at least try to be civil.
Well, it looks like my search for a free shower will have to continue, so I get up, pick a street, and start going down it. I'll just have to be sure to introduce the next batch of day ponies to me a little more gradually, so they can handle how amazing I am.
This street clears out pretty quickly as well, which is disappointing, but one voice calls out from a nearby alley, “Psst! Hey, you. Yeah, you. You looking for something, eh? I can find it for you.”
Now that sounds like just the thing! I trot over into the alley, glad that things were going so well so quickly.
Inside, I find an old unicorn stallion in a trenchcoat. His right eye twitches rapidly and his horn is tilted crookedly to one side for some reason, but he gives me a big toothy smile, so I immediately know he was a good and helpful pony.
“What is it you're looking for, Miss? I've got everything! Magic tomes and potions, all one hundred and ten percent genuine. I tell you, I've got love potions, wealth-attracting totems, growth spells and shrinking spells, and even the cure to the common cold!” He lays a friendly hoof across my shoulders and points to his little wagon. “Now a lot of this is magic that you won't find even in the Canterlot Archives – really high-level stuff. Ever hear that Twilight Sparkle became an alicorn princess? What they don't tell you is that she got the potion for it from me! But I can already tell you're my favorite kind of pony, so for you I'll make a good deal.”
“Neat,” I say.
He saunters over to his wagon and leans against it, the very picture of confidence. “So ... what is it that you're looking for, little lady? I'm Honest Goldie, and if it's not in my wagon, then I know a guy who can get it – Honest Goldie never fails.”
This is perfect! I'm not sure why his name is 'Honest Goldie' if his fur is grey, but I'm pretty sure I can trust him if his name is 'Honest'. “Okay, I need a shower.”
He pauses, and he has to blink for a few times before he seems to understand. “A ... shower?”
I nod.
“I... I see. Right, then I'm sure I could find just the right thing...” He goes around behind his wagon and starts rummaging around. A couple moments later, he comes to me with a very legitimate-looking spell book and shows the front cover to me.
101 Love Spells That Are Shure To Woo Your Soulmate
THE WORLD'S MOST CONVENIENT SHOWER SPELL
A spell for every romantic BATHING need.
It sounds perfect! But... “But I don't have a horn. How am I supposed to use a spell?” I wish I had a horn. Things would be a lot easier if I was a bat pony alicorn princess.
“Well, I can't perform the spell for you, not with my horn skewed to the side, unfortunately.” He winks at me. “But I'm sure a filly as charming as you could get any unicorn you asked to do a quick spell for you.”
He does have a point there. I reach to open the book, but he yanks it away.
“Nah-ah-ah! I'm afraid there's no previews until you've bought it. Just twenty bits and all your, um ... shower dreams will come true!”
Oh. He wants money? That's going to be a problem. Where am I going to get twenty bits? I cringe.
He must have seen the cringe, though. “Oh, but don't worry, Miss. That price is just the normal price. For someone as lovely as you, I could easily go as low as fifteen bits.”
Ah, so it would just take a little bargaining, then. “How about negative ten bits?”
“Huh?” His face goes blank. “You mean, you want me to pay you to take it? That's absurd.”
I lean in. “You drive a hard bargain, mister. Negative five bits, but that's as high as I can go.” Perfect ... any moment now, we'll agree on 'free' as a reasonable compromise, and I'll be one step closer to getting that shower. This guy should have known better than to deal with a businessmare as sharp as me!
Just that moment, though, three day pony guards bustle into the alley, completely blocking the way back into the street. Crap! They've found me!
“Clear!” one calls out. “No invaders.”
Two of them turn to leave, but one stays, squinting and rubbing his chin with a hoof. “Hey, aren't you...”
I'm really sweating it now. If they've recognized me, my whole day is going to be ruined!
“Yes!” the guard says, drawing the attention of the other two. “You're Silver Swindleton, aren't you! You've had an arrest warrant out for months.”
The old stallion begins backing away from the guards. “I – I don't know who you’re talking about. My name is Honest Goldie, honest!”
They're not buying it, though, and they advance on him, using an encircling maneuver right out of the guardspony textbook.
He darts off down the alley, taking the magic shower book with him, unfortunately, and two of the guards give chase. They soon disappear around a tight corner, and I have no idea what became of them or the precious book after that.
The one remaining guard, though... He's looking at me the same way he just looked at Honest Goldie. “You look familiar, too...”
I gulp. “Oh, probably not. Us bat ponies don't go out much...”
“No, you really do look familiar... I'm pretty sure I've seen your face and cutie mark on one of the barracks bulletin boards. But I can't remember what exactly it was...”
Crap crap crap, triple crap! He's seen the posters of me that Princess Luna put up, the ones that say I'm supposed to be supervised at all times. Not good! But if I run now, it'll look super-suspicious. There's still a chance that—
“I know! You probably won guardspony of the month recently, didn't you?”
I stare for a moment. “Um, yeah! That must be it.”
He shakes my hoof. “Well congratulations! Enjoying some time off as your reward, aren't you?”
“You bet!” I smile so wide my cheeks hurt a little.
“Tell me, tell me, how did it feel to be personally recognized and congratulated by the Princesses? It must be so incredible, I can't even imagine!”
“Ah, yeah... It was, um, great.” This can't be working. Can I really be pulling this off? Wait, of course I can. I'm me after all! I should be guardspony of the month every month.
“Any advice for a first-year guardspony? What's your secret? How do you get the Princesses to notice you?” His eagerness is painful to behold.
Actually, I wish Princess Luna would notice me less often. “Um... hard work and dedication?”
“Amazing! I'm also going to work hard and be—” He stops for a moment, blinking. “Oh gosh darn it! If I'm going to be dedicated like you, I'd better do my job right now, huh?” After quickly marching over to the abandoned wagon, he gives me a sharp salute. “I need to secure this evidence, Ma'am. And I should stop pestering you. Have a wonderful day off, and congratulations again for being guardspony of the month!”
I nervously return his salute, and I zip out of there faster than I've flown since that time I thought my battalion was eating bat treats without me (turns out, it was just a trick to get me to attend a staff meeting – never again!)
Once I'm well clear of the area, I set down on a convenient rooftop. Well, that was a bust. And I had been so close to getting my shower, too! Looks like I'm right back where I started.
But there's no reason my original plan shouldn't work just as well as I originally planned it to! I peek over the edge of the roof looking for—
Wow! My eyes are dazzled by the glittering light from a white and blue mare below. Her jewelry is so opulent, so alluring, so ... sparkly!
It takes me a moment to recover from the shock of seeing it. But once I do recover, I realize that I need to have that. If I go to my date wearing jewelry like that, I'll be the most beautiful mare who ever lived ... and if I'm the most beautiful mare who ever lived, I'll get laid for sure!
Grinning, I follow the mare, flitting from rooftop to rooftop, completely invisible to everyone. (Well, unless they look up. But I'm pretty sure none of them are looking up.)
After following her for a while, she leads me to an opulent mansion right at the upper end of Canterlot's residential district. I spend a moment appreciating the architecture ... ooh, swanky! Someday, once ponies appreciate me for who I am, I'll live in a house like that.
She stops at the door and painstakingly opens a long series of complicated-looking locks. Once they're undone, she slips inside and with my acute hearing, I can hear each lock clicking back into place. There are at least six of them.
Wow. Now that's a lot of security. But a bit of security can't keep Batsy Fluffentuft from borrowing jewelry. Princess Celestia can attest to that, and she has the best security in the world!
I fly over to the top of that house and perch on the chimney. Surely, if I just think about it for a moment, I can find away around those stupid door locks... The windows? Well, if she put that much effort into securing the door, she's probably got some kind of alarm spell on the windows. Back door? Maybe, but again, somepony who puts so much effort into securing the front door probably wouldn't leave the back door hanging open. I could burrow beneath the...
Wait. There's a bit of breeze on my rump, and that's weird. I look down and of course! The chimney! I'll be just like Santa Hooves!
I am such a genius sometimes. All the time, actually.
As big as it is, the chimney is a tight squeeze, but thankfully there's no smoke because it's the middle of summer. Still, I have to just kind of wiggle back and forth and let gravity pull me down through. It takes ages, and I'm glad nopony can see me inside here, because while this might be the most ingenious way to sneak into a house, it definitely isn't the most glamorous.
Finally, I pop free from the chimney pipe and fall into a big fireplace. Black dust puffs out all around me, and I have to wait for it to settle before I can blink it out of my eyes and check the room.
Thankfully, nopony was in this particular room. Nothing but a bunch of books and a few big couches. That's the thing about having a big house, I guess, you end up having a lot of empty rooms for no reason.
Shrugging that off, I creep across the white-carpeted floor to the room's doorway. Nopony in the hallway either.
Excellent. I'll be in and out of here without anypony ever noticing me, completely without any trace. When I look behind me, though, I see a series of black hoofprints on the white carpet, leading up to where I'm standing. Crap! Well, I'll clean that up later. For now, I start flying instead, hovering above the carpet so I don't get it any dirtier.
I'll just clean it before I leave. That'll work. With a cringe, I realize I've only succeeded in making myself even dirtier so far. But there's nothing I can do about that – it had to be done.
Slowly, I fly down the hall, peeking in through each doorway to try and find where all that amazing jewelry might have gotten to. A couple doors down, and bingo!
Through the open doorway, I see that same mare, and she's busy taking off all those incredible jewels. It's a process that takes several minutes, but I hover in rapt attention the whole time, watching each glittery piece getting carefully placed on the polished cabinet in front of her.
As soon as she's done, she turns toward me and heads for the door.
It's okay, though. With my lightning-fast reflexes, I dart upward. Hanging silently from the high ceiling, I watch her walk right underneath me and go into another door directly across the hall, closing it behind her.
Phew, close one.
Now all that jewelry is just sitting there, completely unguarded. It would be irresponsible for me to leave something so scintillating all alone and unappreciated, wouldn’t it? I'm sure that mare wouldn’t mind me keeping her jewelry company for the rest of the day. I'll return it, of course, good as new. As soon as I'm done with it.
I sneak inside and gaze in awe upon the awesome spread of shiny metal and gems. All laid out like this, it covers most of the countertop. When I reach my hoof out to grab the first and biggest piece, though, I notice just how filthy my hooves are ... dust and cobwebs from that basement, a couple leaves stuck to the cobwebs, and all of it covered in that fine black ash from the fireplace.
I can't touch it now! I'll get it all dirty too, and then I'll have to wash it before I can be the most beautiful mare in the world!
From the door across the hall, I hear the sound of a shower starting.
A shower, of course! That's the solution! I should have known I'd find one eventually if I just followed the trail of my own awesomeness.
The decidedly not-awesome part of it, though, is that it looks like I'll have to wait for her to be done with her shower before I can get one.
I settle down in front of the countertop and amuse myself for a while just taking in the marvelous array of jewelry. Dozens of golden hoof bands, ruby-encrusted tail clips, a chest piece to rival Princess Celestia's, loops and loops of glittering necklaces, a few diamond earrings, and a gorgeous tiara set with dozens of diamonds and one big ruby to top it all off.
Still, looking at the sparkles can't entertain a bat pony as sophisticated as me forever. And that mare's shower is taking forever.
So I move on to rummaging through her room, why not? It's something to do. One of the few things on the countertop other than jewelry is a picture frame, and it shows the mare I followed together with some stallion. The same stallion who was trying to get protection money from Taffy Winkle earlier today! Huh. I never knew that guy was so popular, but apparently this mare thought that getting her picture taken with him was important enough to memorialize in a framed picture in her bedroom. Day ponies have some weird obsessions, that's for sure.
On top of the nightstand near the bed, there's a tall pile of magazines. But when I pick them up and flip through them, I find that they're all about mane styles, day pony celebrities, clothes, makeup ... boring junk. It's hard to tell the difference between the ads and the articles, since both seem to be mostly about perfumes or hair goop or something.
I toss the magazine I was flipping through aside, and it flutters down, sliding under the bed. A moment later, I realize I've been intending to leave no trace of my presence here, so I'll need to pick it up and put it back.
When I look under the bed for it, though, there's a lot more than just one magazine down there.
There's the one I tossed, of course, but there's also a neat stack of other ones. Pulling them out, I find that they're all Playcolt magazines. Now this is more interesting reading material! Eagerly, I dig in and start flipping through them, and I spend Goddess only knows how long doing that... (Seriously, though, I was only reading them for the articles. They had several very informative pieces on, um... the politics of... um... articles. Yes. The politics of articles.)
Anyway, while I'm in the middle of enjoying those very informative articles, I get so caught up in them that I don't notice the shower turning off.
The mare comes in, wrapped up in a towel. She closes the door behind her, and only then notices me lying next to her bed and flipping through Playcolt magazines.
We spot each other at almost the exact same time. I freeze, but she screams and bolts ... right into the closed door. The mare wobbles for a bit, then slumps down right in front of it, knocked out cold.
I smirk. Ha! That's me, taking out my enemies from the sheer force of my magnificence alone.
Well, now that the shower's available, I should use it. I have to move the mare away from the door in order to open it, leaving black hoofprints on her and her towel. That's a shame ... now she's going to need another shower. Oh well.
I cross the hall and have to take a moment to simply gasp and stare at the bathroom. There's white marble and gold (or is it brass – I'm really not sure) everywhere, offset by luxurious dark red curtains and a neat rack of folded white towels. Very nice, if a little too shiny for my tastes. When I have my mansion built, I'll have to tell them to tone it down just a little. Maybe replace the marble countertops with polished wood. Yes, that would be nice.
There's a huge jetted tub with a shower head above it in one corner, and I head for that as if approaching a holy relic, almost unable to believe my impeccable skills and planning have finally led me to one. (Thankfully, the mirror along the way is still fogged up, so I don't have to look at how dirty I've gotten.)
I get in, start the water ... and Gaah! That mare used up all the hot water! It's very inconsiderate of her, using it all up and leaving me with this lukewarm-at-best spray. Ugh. Now I'm glad she hit her head on the door and knocked herself out. She deserves it for treating her guests this way.
Still, I need to get cleaned off, so I suffer through it. It's not so bad, actually, once I get used to it ... and I think it's actually warming back up a little as I keep going.
And it's satisfying, watching all the filth rinse off of me, down toward the drain. Goodbye dust, goodbye cobwebs, goodbye leaves and sticks, and best of all, goodbye fireplace soot. The water draining away from me is almost black with the stuff.
I grab a shampoo bottle from the shelf on the wall next to me. It's about half-full of purplish-blue goop that smells like some weird kind of flowers I've never smelled before. Shrugging, I uncap it and squeeze the whole bottle out onto my mane, my back, and my tail, then toss the empty bottle onto the bathroom floor outside, where it bounces noisily away.
Unfortunately, in my enthusiasm to get clean, I may have used a bit too much. As I scrub myself, the mass of bubbles gets bigger and bigger, until it fills the whole tub. For a moment, I panic, thinking this is going to be just like the time I dumped a whole box of soap into the fountain outside the barracks. (While that did get me put on punitive cleanup duty for three weeks, it also beat a world record for largest mass of bubbles, so that's something.) In time, though, the shower's spray washes my shampoo bubbles away, and things return to normal.
Things returned to better than normal, actually. I stepped out of that tub squeaky-clean. (By which I mean, I squeaked a little to celebrate my cleanliness.) Unfortunately, my squeak may have cracked the bathroom mirror. It's still foggy anyway, though, so I wouldn’t have been able to see my clean magnificence in it anyway.
After drying off with a borrowed towel from the only clean stack far enough away to have escaped the mass of bubbles, I happily trot back across the hall to collect my jewelry.
Oddly, the mare isn't on the floor anymore. She's nowhere to be found.
Well, there's no accounting for the peculiarities of day ponies. I shrug it off and start putting on the jewelry, piece by piece. As I put each one on, I take the time to admire it in the gilded full-height mirror across the room. All this gold and sparkle may have looked dazzling on that mare's white coat ... but with my dark grey fur to contrast it, it's stunning. Truly, this is the way I was always meant to look.
Just as I put the finishing touch of the tiara on, though, and before I even get a chance to look at in the mirror, three stallions burst into the room, all of them armed with clubs, and all of them scowling at me.
I'm not scared, of course. I'm a member of the Royal Guard, an elite warrior. And I have the full weight of Equestria's legal system at my back (as long as no other guardsponies find me and report me to Princess Luna.)
“You're all under arrest, under authority of the Royal Night Guard, for, um... threatening a Royal Guard!” I tell them, doing my best to exude confidence.
Apparently, they're too dumb to be intimidated, though, because they keep slowly coming toward me.
No problem. Like I said, I'm an elite warrior. I pounce on the one in the middle, pushing his head down into the carpet. As he struggles beneath me, the two others raise their clubs, getting ready to swing.
It's in that moment when I – as usual – come up with an ingenious plan. When the time is right, I simply duck down, letting the other two stallions' swinging clubs go right over my head ... and into each other's. Bang-bang, and down they both go.
I hop off of the middle one, and I'm giggling and skipping with glee as I make my way down the hallway. I won't be able to go back out through the chimney – it's too dirty. So I'll have to go out through the front door after unlocking it from the inside.
When I get to the entranceway, though, there are a bunch more mean-looking stallions there, all of them between me and the door to freedom.
“You'll be sorry for this,” one says.
“Nobody but nobody messes with the boss's wife and gets away wit' it.”
The closest one pats his club against his other hoof, then pulls a sharp wooden stake out of his belt. “Boss said I should be prepared for vamponies today. Guess he's right like usual. Your time's just run out, little vampony.”
My time has run out? Time... I glance up at the grandfather clock on the wall to the left. It's 4:29 ... and my date is at 4:30!
Eyes going wide, I dart out from the room. The voices call after me, “Yeah, you'd better run!” and “We'll hunt you down, vampony!” but I ignore them and rush out through the back door of the mansion, quickly taking flight.
I have to go fast, or I'm going to totally miss my date with Taffy Winkle!
Batsy Fluffentuft III: One Last Night Before Double Ultra-Probation
I zoom through Canterlot's streets, paying no heed to anypony screaming at me as I knock their hats off and stuff. I'm late! And I'm never late, not for anything! Well, I'm late for guard duty a lot, but I'm never late for anything good!
Where in Pony's name is the Waterfall Bistro again? I snap up onto a pointed rooftop and perch there for a second, scouting around for it. Should I ask somepony for directions before I get even later? I'd only said for Taffy Winkle to meet me there because it was the only restaurant I knew of ... but only because I'd heard over and over again that it was the fanciest, and only the fanciest place is good enough for me anyway, right?
Aha! A waterfall, over there, spilling out from under the Royal Palace. That's got to be it! (You know, because Waterfall Bistro!) Who needs directions when you're as smart as me?
Still, though, it's kind of a long way there. Why does Canterlot need to be so big, anyway? It could still be really fancy without so many ponies in it, right? I think a few streets full of shops, a few more full of houses, and the Royal Palace should be plenty. But no ... it's a long, long way from wherever the heck I am now to that waterfall. Way too long for how late I am, anyway.
But I do eventually get there. And hey, there's a cafe or bistro kind of thing right there in the flat spot between where the waterfall comes down and before the next drop! Perfect! See – Batsy Fluffentuft never needs directions! I always have an innate sense of where I'm going, and it never leads me wrong.
I spiral down to the little square in front of the restaurant at breakneck speed, not because I'm tired and my wings are sore – I'm never tired – but just because I'm really late and I really need to get there as soon as possible.
Looking around, my new jewelry clinking as I do, I search for Taffy Winkle.
There he is, in a white tux! He's already walking away, his head hanging low.
I run up in front of him, skid to a halt, and then strike a dashing pose right in the middle of his path, only slightly marred by panting for breath. But the jewelry should make up for it, even though a few pieces fall off and clatter all over the street.
“Oh.” Taffy stops walking and stares at me, frowning slightly. “You made it after all.”
Not quite the reaction I was going for, but I smile anyway. “I never let anypony down!” After a few moments of consideration, though, I quietly amend my statement, “I never let anypony I like down. What are you wearing, anyway? You look like a waiter.”
“No I don't.” He rolls his eyes. “And I guess you must not like me very much, because you left me waiting at the restaurant entrance for like half an hour.”
“Nothing wrong with arriving fashionably late.” (I'd used this line on my commander before after showing up late for training exercises, but it didn't work very well then. Maybe this was a more appropriate time?)
“That's not a real thing.” He begins to walk around me. “Especially not when it's a date between just two ponies, and especially not when you set the time yourself, and especially not when you said 'don't be late'!”
“Okay, okay.” I hurry to keep up with him, jewelry jangling. “But will you come with me anyway? Come on. It'll be fun!” I flick my tail back and forth, just to make sure he knows what kind of fun I mean. (Although, really, all kinds of fun are good, aren't they? But I'm allowed to have my favorites!)
Shooting me a deadpan look, he keeps walking.
“It's not my fault! I had to follow a fancy pony back to her house and then squeeze down the chimney and hide in her bedroom while I waited forever for her to take a shower, and then I finally got mine, but I was attacked by a bunch of goons and had to kick all their butts before...” I looked over at him, seeing the way he was looking at me. “Ugh! You don't even believe me, do you?”
“Let's just admit it – this is probably all a waste of time, anyway.”
I roll my eyes and poke him with a wingtip. “Well, duh! Dating is always a huge waste of time! Ponies should just skip to getting frisky with whoever they want!”
Taffy looked away, his pink face blushing much, much pinker in a way that was really adorable.
I can't help but squeak and dance in place a little bit watching him like that. So cute! Wait – I mean hot! Yes, smoking hot ... or something. Whatever. The important thing is to get in bed with him as soon as possible. “You were the one who said we should go on a date first, so come on!” I jump in front of him and hop up and down a little. “Let's go – the sooner we finish this date, the sooner I get laid!”
That just makes him blush even more! But eventually he does manage to say something: “Um... Okay.”
“Yay! I knew you wanted me!”
Taffy glances at some of the well-to-do Canterlot ponies around us, trying to hide his face from them. “Yeah, um... It would be a shame to waste a reservation at the Waterfall. Ponies have to wait months for those.”
I nudge him back in the right direction, back toward the restaurant. “Yeah! Let's eat!” I am pretty famished – I haven't had anything since those pastries and spiders in the morning! What was that about a 'reservation'? I'm sure it's not important. Probably just weird day pony dating stuff.
The entrance to the restaurant is huge – kind of imposing. It's a huge archway in the side of the building, overlooked by tiny little windows from the kitchen, and with the roar of the waterfall coming from behind it. Just inside the entranceway is a silly little podium with a tall, gray-maned stallion standing behind it.
Just as I'm about to trot on past him and pick the best table, he holds his hoof out and blocks me. “I assume you have a reservation?” he says without even seeming to look at us.
I brush his hoof aside. “We don't need a reservation.” A little confidence will do the trick.
Except, not this time it won't, apparently. He jumps into my way – moving faster than I thought he'd be able to for how old he is – and a couple burly-looking stallions move in front of the entrance, blocking my view of the tables beyond.
Here I am, surrounded by stallions – mostly really hot ones, except that old grey jerk – and I'm still not getting laid yet. Day pony dating is weird!
But when the old grey pony sees Taffy, the whole act changes. “Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realize. You're the new waiter, right? Come on in – we need you to get started as soon as possible!”
I laugh and start dancing around Taffy. “Ha! I told you so!”
Scowling at me, he says, “I'm not a waiter.”
That definitely made the grey stallion less enthusiastic about letting us in. I strike a pose again, making sure my fancy jewelry sparkles in the evening light, but he just frowns. “I'm terribly sorry,” he says, “but we're already full tonight. The staff can barely handle things as it is.”
Undeterred, I sidle up close to him. “Your finest table please, sir.”
One of his bushy grey eyebrows rises as he stares down at me. “As I said, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid we're already booked for the night, and the staff—”
Enough with this! I slap one of my heavy, diamond-studded bracelets down on his little podium, leaving it there, just out of sight from anypony else.
For a moment, he's quiet, staring at the big gaudy bracelet. Good riddance – it was heavy anyway, and it clinked too much. Then he smiles. “Right this way, Ma'am.”
I look back at Taffy and waggle my eyebrows. See – that's how it's done!
Taffy seems stunned for a moment. He keeps looking back and forth between the bracelet and me as I get farther away ... until he finally shrugs and hurries to follow me into the restaurant.
It really is crowded inside, though a lot less noisy than it would be if there were this many bat ponies eating in one place. The quiet – except for the loud waterfall of course – is kind of weird ... but I guess that's just what passes for fancy with day ponies.
The old stallion takes us to a table at the corner of the outside area, just above the still pool between the two waterfalls. It really is nice ... despite the bus-boy still busily cleaning the table off.
Once he's shooed away – along with the last of the junk on the table – Taffy and I are invited to take our seats.
It's a four-seat table, and I'm not about to get stuck on the opposite side from my new stallion, so I wait for Taffy to sit down first, then pick the chair right next to him ... scooting it even closer because that still wasn't quite close enough.
Taffy glances over at me as the old pony tosses a couple menus down and hurries back to his little podium and his nice little bribe there.
I slide my chair a little closer still. “Nice place, isn't it?” It really is, with fancy tablecloths and all, and there are a bunch of orange lanterns hanging around and already lit, even though it isn't even really close to sunset yet.
Taffy holds his hooves close, laying them on his lap and generally trying to be as small as possible. “I guess so.”
“I sure know how to show a stallion a good time, don't I?” Oh-so-casually, I stretch out a wing and wrap it around his back. “Wanna have a little fun under the table before the waiter gets here?”
“Batsy!” He looks around as if he's afraid he's going to get caught doing something wrong, then says in a strained whisper, “You can't do that in a place like this!”
“Ugh, fine... But don't keep me waiting too long!” I give him a wink. Seriously, though, he'd better not keep me waiting too long. My guard shift starts at sunset. (Whatever. It's not like I've never been late for a shift before. Since guardspony is pretty much the only job a bat pony can have, it's not like they can fire me or anything. And if I end up being late because I'm busy having fun with Taffy ... well, a mare's got to have her priorities, doesn't she?)
Taffy's already picked up his menu, burying his face in it – as if that can hide his still-raging blush – so I figure it's a good time to do the same.
Lots of fancy stuff, no prices listed. (Yay! It's all free!) They don't seem to have any bat treats, though. I would expect better from a place this fancy.
“Um, Batsy?” Taffy's whisper is even quieter now. Even with my superior hearing, I can barely hear him. “I'm not sure I can afford this place. You brought some bits, right?”
I poke him in the side with my hoof ... both because he's being silly, and because I want a quick feel, at least, for all the trouble I've already been through. “Who needs bits? Everything's free! No wonder this place is so popular!”
“Um... I don't think that's really—”
“Whatever. Don't worry about it – I'll figure something out.” I smile at him again ... and something seems to be getting through, because he smiles back a little, with a bit of a starry look in his eyes.
“I'm sorry,” he says. “It's just that I've been living alone for a long time, and my brother told me I needed to get back out in the dating game.”
Uh-oh... Is he going to get all emotional on me? That's, like, the last kind of 'on me' I want him to be getting. Probably.
“But I've never really had the confidence to just ask mares out like that. And besides, I'm so busy running the shop and everything... When you just came up and asked me out, at first I was too scared, but then I decided that I had to do it, even though things were going really fast, and just, um...”
Woah ... he really is nervous about me, isn't he? I wish there was a way I could smile without showing off my pointy teeth – those pointy teeth seem to have a way of making day ponies even more nervous.
“So, um, I guess what I'm saying is, maybe we should take it a bit slower and get to know each other a little bit first?”
I grin, pointy teeth and all. “Sure! Let's get to know each other. What's your favorite sex position?”
Taffy's eyes go wide and his nose scrunches, like he just swallowed something terrible and almost choked on it. Ponies at all the surrounding tables gasp and stare, holding hooves over their chests and mouths.
Oh, like they'd never heard that before. Come on! I stick my long, batty tongue out at them.
“Batsy!” Taffy tries to pull me in closer toward him, as if that will make me stop sticking out my tongue. “You can't just say stuff like that out loud!” It feels nice to have him holding me...
Just at that moment, though, our waiter approaches. “May I start you two off with a soup course?” he asks, very professionally pretending that he didn't see me slurp my tongue back in.
The incredible thing, though, is that he's dressed exactly like Taffy – same white tux, same white shirt underneath, and same little black bow tie. I elbow Taffy and point at the waiter's clothes. “See? See? I told you!”
Taffy sighs. “Yes.”
“Very good,” the waiter replies. “Will you have the Potage Ménagère or the Tourin?”
Both me and Taffy glance back and forth between each other. Clearly, neither of us know what those are ... but between the two of us, only one has the bold, take-action attitude necessary: me!
“The Tourin!” I tell the waiter, with well-earned confidence. The secret – I know – is that this is a fancy restaurant. If the soup they bring us ends up being gross, I should just throw it at the waiter and demand satisfaction. At least, I'm pretty sure that's how it works. I saw that in guardspony battalion play once, and it worked great there.
“Excellent choice.” With a bow, the waiter backs away and disappears. Problem solved!
Taffy leans up close to me and whispers, “Um... Batsy, what's a Tourin?”
I remain silent, in a superior kind of way. Not only because I have no idea, but because the longer I do, the longer Taffy stays up close to me. With the chill from the nearby waterfall, having his warm cheek right next to mine feels ... nice. A mare could get used to this...
Eventually, though, he seems to give up on getting an answer, and he pulls back away. Again, he's glancing around as if to check whether anypony is looking at us. Quite a few are. Apparently, it takes day ponies a while to get over it when somepony sticks their tongue out at them.
Better take his mind off it... Slyly, oh-so-slyly, I lean closer to him and slide a hoof along his thigh. “So,” I say quietly in his ear, “are you seduced yet?”
“Batsy!” He grabs my hoof and takes it off of his leg, putting it back in my own lap. “You can't...” He looks into my eyes, blushes, and looks away. “Ponies are watching us.”
That wasn't a 'no'! I grin. I am so getting laid today! (And about time, too! This probation Princess Luna put me on has caused way too long of a dry spell!)
Before I can make my move, though, the waiter comes back, levitating two steaming bowls of soup in his cheatery unicorn magic. Let's see him do that without magic! I bet he wouldn’t be as graceful then!
Still, I guess I'm grateful he isn't spilling it or anything as he sets them down in front of us. That would totally ruin the fancy mood. “Please enjoy,” he says. “I apologize for the delay, and I will be along with the wine selection shortly.”
Ooh – wine? That makes up for any cheating with unicorn magic! Princess Luna hasn't let me have any wine or cider or anything since the very first incident that got me put on the probation list! She says the probation is supposed to help me remember what I did and remember not to do it again, but the problem is, I can't remember anything that happened that day. Not that it matters. The important thing is that I'll get some tonight. (And then I'll get some, if you know what I mean!)
Eagerly, I take a look at my soup. Immediately, I see a major problem. I poke at the bowl with my hoof for a bit, eying it suspiciously.
“Is there a problem with the soup, Madame?”
“Waiter,” I say, “there's no fly in my soup.”
The snooty unicorn seems rather taken aback at that. He stammers a bit, but doesn't manage to say anything worthwhile.
Taffy, though, leans over close to me, spoon already in his hoof. “Come on, don't make a scene.” He glances around. “Not more than you are already. Just try it – it's delicious.”
“You're just on his side because you're both dressed the same.” I roll my eyes, but reluctantly decide to give it a little taste. Moving in carefully close to it, making my disdain clear, I lean down and slurp a little out of the bowl.
Woah! It's really garlicky. Good thing I'm not really a vampony, because if I was, this stuff would probably have killed me! But it's also really smooth and buttery and ... good! My eyes lighting up, I sit up straight, with a huge, drippy grin. “It's delicious!” I cry out in surprise.
The waiter nods in satisfaction, even as he backs away slowly from my table manners.
I'm not done with him yet. A restaurant this fancy ought to know how to satisfy its guests. “But our next course had better have some bugs in it!”
The waiter scowls at me. “Madame, this is not the sort of establishment where one—”
I throw a couple jeweled bracelets at him. Would have gotten him right in the face, too, if it weren't for the extra-cheatery way he caught them in his unicorn magic.
“Of course, Madame. I will personally see to it.”
I smile even more as he hurriedly leaves – bracelets in tow – and then go straight back to my soup, slurping it down greedily.
“Um... Batsy?” Taffy asks, glancing around at all the fancy ponies staring at us. “Maybe it would be better if you used the...”
Slurping up the very last it of it with my long tongue, I pop up and start licking my lips clean.
“...Spoon,” he finishes with a sigh.
I smirk and lean closer, causing him to lean away a bit, but that's no big deal. I just lean even closer. “You see, I'm not taking any stallion of mine to some third-rate place that doesn't even have bugs in the food!”
“Um, actually... I prefer food that doesn't have bugs in it.”
What? Weird... Day ponies are just weird. I glance down at him, still leaned so close I'm more in his chair than my own. He looks nice, though, and smells really nice. Some kind of delicious-smelling fruity perfume. (Aww, did he put that on just for me?)
“Um... Batsy?” he says, still on the verge of falling out of his chair. Not that I'd actually let him fall, of course. I'd catch him. And then I'd roll both of us under the table. And then we'd snuggle!
“Yeah?” I say, hoping we're about to skip to the part where we kiss. Even though the soup was full of garlic, I'm sure our bad-breath kisses will be fun.
“Are you... Are you going to stay like this all night?” He wobbles in his chair a little, about to fall.
“I don't know,” I say with an extremely alluring eyebrow wiggle – something no stallion could possibly resist. “Do you want me to?”
“Um...”
A crash comes from the entrance of the restaurant, and three huge stallions rush in. “There you are!” the biggest one says, pointing his hoof in our direction. “You're goin' to see the boss, and you're goin' there in pieces!”
With the utmost guardspony courage, I lunge between them and Taffy. “No! He's my stallion, and your boss can't have him!”
They stop for a moment, pausing in their headlong rush toward our table. Doubtless, they're just so intimidated by my magnificence that they can't take even one more step.
They glance back and forth between each other for a moment, until the biggest one shakes his head. “We're not here for him, you idiot – we're here for you!”
“Yeah,” another one cuts in. “You're the one who stole from the bosses wife and knocked her out!”
I jump onto the table, heroically scattering expensive dishes everywhere. Of course, I also heroically spill Taffy's hot soup all over him, but that's just the cost of heroism. He jerks up and starts frantically wiping it off of himself as the rest of the restaurant patrons flee, but I don't let any of that distract me. “Come and get me, then!” I shout out bravely. “I took you on before, and I can take you again!”
“Oh, that's not the plan, princess.”
I beam out a huge smile for a moment. He called me a princess! Wow, my status is just shooting up in the world! Pretty soon, I'll be a queen or an empress or something and then I'll be the one putting Princess Luna on probation for 'insubordinate behavior' and 'gross misconduct', whatever those things are.
The stallion points up. “That's the plan. There she is, officers! She's the thief!”
I glance up where he's pointing, and my mouth drops open. A whole platoon of pegasus guards from the day guard, and they're all headed down toward me! Of course ... um... I totally saw this coming and knew they were there, with my awesome powers of perception and all. And, um, situational awareness and stuff ... which in no way was compromised by having all my attention focused on the pretty pink stallion next to me.
“Hey,” one of the guards says, “I know her – It's Fluffentuft!”
They know me! I'm famous!
“You're under arrest,” another says. “... Again.”
Anyway, yes. I knew they were there the whole time, and now I just have to come up with a plan. Hide under the table? No – they'll find me, and anyway I can't stay down there forever. Seduce them all? No – I've tried that before, and for some reason, day guards seem immune to my many charms. Jump into the waterfall? ... Of course!
I grab Taffy and Knock the first of the guards out of the way before they get me. Then it's just a quick dart over to the edge of the cliff next to the waterfall, dragging Taffy along, despite his screaming.
Quickly, I kiss him. His eyes go wide, and he's almost too startled to return the kiss. But it least it stops him from screaming.
“For luck!” I say, even though that's not really the reason I wanted to kiss him. After all – who wants to go on a date this fancy without getting any action afterward?
Still, though, there are dozens of day guards bearing down on me. (Sadly, not enough time for as much fun as I'd like.) Breaking from the kiss, I fling myself over the railing and into the falls.
Smack! I crash straight into a cold, wet rock. “Ow!”
Taffy – as well as several Royal Guards – lean on the railing, staring down.
“Are you okay?” Taffy asks.
“Call for a medic,” one of the guards shouts out.
I hoist myself back up on the slippery rock, teeter back and forth a bit, and wave them off with a hoof. “I'm... I'm fine. Never been bett—”
Sadly, mother nature decides not to let me finish that. She makes the rock under my hoof extra slippery all unexpected-like, and I go down once again, sucked into the mist of the waterfall and going all the way down the cliff right alongside it.
I'm not worried, though. I'll be fine. It'll take more than a little waterfall to end the reign of Princess Batsy Fluffentuft the Magnificent!
* * *
My magnificent mane and tail still dripping from river water, I slink my way toward the front door of the night guards' barracks.
Owing to my incredible skills at stealth and the inexplicable inability of day guards to stay alert at night or see into shadows, I've already made it almost all the way there. With any luck – and I always have luck on my side – all my fellow night guards will have already gone out on their shifts. Of course, that means I'm late for my shift ... but that's hardly unusual for me, anyway. Probably nopony will even notice.
As quietly as possible, I open the door and slip inside my barracks. That's not as quiet as I'd like. Somepony should really oil those hinges. Bat ponies should be the only things in here that squeak, not doors!
So far, so good. It's dark in here ... but then again, it's always dark. No sounds come from inside the room, though. Seems like nopony's here.
I move on, the absolute paragon of stealth and completely in my element. Even if the room was full of ponies, they probably wouldn’t be able to see or hear me, and I'd slip right through them to—
Slam! The barracks door shuts behind me.
I freeze. Okay, nothing to worry about. Probably just the night breeze, blowing the door shut again.
“About time you dragged yourself back in here.”
Wow, that night breeze sounds a lot like my commander, Nightwing.
“Well, do you have anything to say for yourself?”
Uh, oh... I'm beginning to think that might not be the breeze. Reluctantly, I turn around. And yes, that's her all right. Standing next to the big door with a very disapproving scowl on her face.
“Um, yeah, sure... Of course I have something to say. Just let me explain it all, and I'm sure it will all make sense.”
Nightwing raises one eyebrow. “Wonderful. This is going to be good...”
Think think think! I rush to come up with a decent story. Thankfully, clever mare that I am, I already have a story that will work perfectly!
“Well, it all started when I accidentally let my tail go down the toilet and then flushed,” I say. “Then I got sucked down into the Canterlot sewer system. It was dark, dark down there, but I've got echolocation, so I wasn't worried. I was lost, though. You've got to give me a break on that one – I've never been down there before.”
This doesn't seem to be working well so far. Nightwing's still frowning pretty intensely. I'll have to step up my game.
“And that's when the Sewer Ponies attacked! Did you know there's a whole race of Sewer Ponies down there? I bet you didn't! Well, they wanted to, um ... eat me! They're all gross and frog-looking, so I totally wasn't into that. So I fought them off, all two hundred of them!”
Nightwing's eyebrow rises even higher. Not a good sign.
“I mean, all five hundred of them!” There, that's better. “It took all day, but I fought my way out of the sewer and made my way back here, just so I could report for duty.”
Still, Nightwing seems unaffected.
“And, um... That's why I'm a little bit late.”
“You're five hours late,” Nightwing points out.
I shrug. “I've been later than that before, and that time I didn't even have Sewer ponies to fight.”
“Right, the Sewer Ponies.” Nightwing rolls her eyes, then points just above my head. “And where did the tiara come from?”
I freeze. What? Slowly, I look upward, but of course I can't see it. I have to feel for it with my hooves. Uh-oh. Looks like there's a bit of the dented and waterlogged jewelry I forgot to return when I was dumping the rest of it back down that chimney. (I always return what I borrow.) “Um... I got this when I defeated the Queen of the Sewer Ponies. Kept it as well-deserved spoils of victory!”
Nightwing gives me an absolutely deadpan look. Okay, so maybe I'll need to butter her up a little bit.
“Um... And I kept it as a present for you!” Quickly, I take the tiara off and hold it up for Nightwing.
She takes it, but she still doesn't seem impressed. Not even a little bit of a smile! What gives? She's still giving me that sour look. “Batsy, you realize that us responsible night guards read the briefings left to us by the day shift, right?”
“Oh...” I take a couple steps backward, cringing down. “So you heard about...”
“Yeah, I heard about all of it.”
I wince. Hopefully she didn't really hear about everything.
“But don't worry. I'm not going to punish you.”
She's not? After a moment of frantically processing that, I leap for joy. “Yeah! Awesome!” Dancing my hooves around, I spin in a tight little circle, tail held high. “I knew I didn't do anything wrong!”
But Nightwing still looks dour. “I'm not going to punish you – she is!”
I freeze in place again. Oh no! Who's 'she'? Furtively, I glance around, expecting somepony to leap out of the shadows at me at any moment, even though I can clearly see that all of the shadows are empty.
A few moments pass, and still nobody shows up to punish me. “Is she ... invisible?” I whisper, still looking all around.
Commander Nightwing clears her throat. “I said, SHE IS!”
A clatter of hooves comes from Nightwing's office in the back of the barracks, and Princess Luna rushes out. “Oh! My apologies for the belated dramatic entrance, Commander. I became distracted with my dreamwalking and missed my cue.”
Commander Nightwing bows, and even though that one pony in the restaurant called me a princess today, I decide that it would probably be polite for me to bow as well, so I do.
Princess Luna slowly stalks toward me, enumerating my crimes to the rhythm of her hoofbeats: “Terrorizing the ponies of Canterlot, burglarizing private homes and businesses, bribery of waitstaff, assaulting the day guard, attempted bribery of your commanding officer...” She stops and stands just above me, glowering down.
I cover my face with my wings, barely even daring to peek up at her between the cracks. “Does ... does this mean I don't get any bat treats?”
“You're lucky I don't throw you in the dungeons!” she says, her eyes flashing a cold blue. I make a carefully calculated strategic choice of positioning myself behind my commander and huddling behind her so that Princess Luna can't see me.
“But,” Princess Luna continues, “it seems that you've somehow led to the identification and arrest of the head of the Upper Canterlot Crime Syndicate due to the Royal Guard's investigation into your own crimes, as well as leading the day guard toward the capture of another wanted fugitive by the name of Silver Swindleton.”
I jump out from behind Nightwing, now beaming a huge smile. After pulling off all of that, she's sure to give me lots of bat treats, maybe even give me a promotion. Maybe she'll even promote me straight to being a princess, just like that one stallion said!
The Princess raises a disapproving eyebrow at my smile. “So, given the balance, I'm going to settle for putting you on Double ultra-probation.”
I immediately deflate. Aw, come on! What does that even mean? They're not even going to let me get out of bed or go to the bathroom on my own anymore, are they?
“And as for the Commander who seems incapable of keeping a single bat pony guard under control...”
Now it's Nightwing's turn to cover her face with her wings and cower.
But before the Princess can finish, a knock comes from the door, drawing the attention of all three of us.
A moment of quiet passes, none of us sure who should go answer the door. The knock comes again.
Luna sighs. “Just try to keep her under control, will you? Assign somepony to sit on her, if necessary.”
The door knocks again.
“And answer the door already! I have other matters to attend to! I am the night!” With a bright blue flash, Princess Luna teleports away, leaving just me and Nightwing in the barracks.
Before I can make any observant and relevant remarks to the Commander, though, she goes to answer the door, pulling it open.
It's Taffy! And he's got a bunch of chocolates in a heart-shaped box! And the box has my name on it! “I hope this is the right place,” he says. “This is where everypony says the bat ponies are...” Then he sees me in the darkness inside the barracks, and his eyes go wide and misty.
Commander Nightwing sighs heavily. “Batsy, it looks like you have a visitor.”
I can't even say anything, despite how eloquent I usually am. I'm too busy doing the happiest, pranciest, wigglingest dance I've ever danced, my tail flicking in joy. All I can do is squeak and smile.
