• Published 30th Oct 2015
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The Adventures of Batsy Fluffentuft the Magnificent - ocalhoun



Batsy Fluffentuft (not the most respected of the lunar guards, and in fact on super-probation from Princess Luna herself) manages to escape into the town of Canterlot and have herself an adventure.

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Batsy Fluffentuft's Adventures in Canterlot

Goddess above, I am such a genius of a mare! I laugh to myself, but quiet-like, so the other Lunar Guards won't hear me. I am sneaky, super sneaky, a master of the arts of stealth, and I have an infallible plan.

I'm going to sneak out of the barracks (wait for this) in the daytime! Nopony will ever suspect it! Genius, right?

I tippy-hoof (tippy-toe?) my way down the center of the hall, still sniggering to myself about my incredible plan, and I make my way to the big, oversized door at the end. All my fellow bat pony guards are asleep, and a lot of them are snoring really loudly, but I don't hear any squeaky-squeaky-chirp to suggest any of them are awake. Perfect.

When I get to the door, there's a problem. There's a big problem.

There's a sign on the door, it looks really official and stuff. It says 'Batsy Fluffentuft may not pass this point without responsible supervision and a leash or other restraint. By order of Princess Luna and in accordance with the Batsy probation principles laid down in §102.8 of the Lunar Guard Handbook, Scratch-n-Sniff Edition. Violators will be denied treats. THAT MEANS YOU, BATSY!'

That last part is new to me, and scrawled in red marker. Probably has something to do with how I told them I didn't know it applied to me last time I snuck out.

I sigh. I wouldn't have to sneak out if it weren't for that big, officious Princess putting me on super-probation and writing a new section of the Handbook just for me. And it was all because of some silly misunderstanding about that one time I stole Princess Celestia's crown.

I was going to give it back before she woke up in the morning, but no, everypony just had to make a big deal about it and call it a national incident and stuff. It wasn't my fault those three fillies got a picture of me wearing it and published it in their rinky-dink school newspaper. And the damage to it (if anypony asks) was also entirely not my fault. Also, the stains weren't my fault. Especially not the stains. That was Echo's doing, when she was trying to take it back from me. If she hadn't tried so hard to take it back, I wouldn’t have had to ditch it in a trash can.

I was going to come back and retrieve it later, and then clean it, and then hammer out the dent, and then put it back on Celestia's head before sunup. But then, somepony had gotten Princess Luna involved.

I shake my head and turn away from the door. I'm a clever bat pony, and no door can stop Batsy Fluffentuft the Magnificent, no matter what's written on it. (Unless it said 'Free cider'. I guess I would stop for a door that said that.)

You see, I have a magnificent and foolproof plan. Plan A might have been to go through the door, but I sure don't want to go without treats! Princess Luna bakes the very best bat treats in the whole world, so I'm definitely not going to risk missing out on that! I think for a moment of watching my whole battalion happily munching on the very tastiest bat treats ever, and myself not getting any. I shudder at the thought. It doesn't bear thinking about.

Thankfully, there's a plan B. With plan B, I don't have to violate the door's edicts, not even a little bit.

I sneak back down the hall, totally silent except for my hooves on the tile and my breathing and the rustling of my leathery wings. Totally silent.

At the other end of the hall is a bathroom. It's unoccupied. I go in and close the door behind me, so softly that it only makes a little thud. Then I lock it, because I can't be disturbed, not while I'm doing this!

No, no, plan B isn't taking a dump! Goddess, give me some credit, okay? There's a window in the bathroom. It's always covered with dark curtains in deference to our batlike sensibilities, but with my clever observational skills, I've determined that there is a window behind it. And the window opens!

My smelly secondary escape plan is fifty percent complete! I hope Princess Luna doesn't revise the Handbook to include this situation. That's a scratch-n-sniff I can leave unsniffed, even if scratching is mandatory for the full reading experience.

I pull back the curtains.

Gaah! The light, it burns! In the window, the evil day star stares at me, and it burns my poor batty eyes. Why didn't anypony tell me the sun was so bright? I mean, sure, they said it was brighter than the moon and the stars put together, but I wasn't expecting this. Holy crap!

After a few endless minutes of agonizing pain, my eyes adjust to it and I can see fine without any pain. Awesome, I'm even greater and more magnificent than I thought! I mean, it's still really bright, but now it only hurts a little bit. Neat.

The outside looks a lot different with all this light everywhere. But, hey, that's what I was going out for, to find (and loot) new things, right?

More or less convincing myself that I (probably) wouldn’t die from all the sunlight, I reach up and click open the window's latch, then swing it open.

The smells and sounds hit me immediately. There are a lot of things flying around and chirping ... but their chirping is way too low-pitched to be batlike, and they're way too colorful. And the daytime smells different. Thanks to the Handbook, I can recognize the scents of daytime flowers, and warm grass, and a little bistro down the street. Cool!

So then, all I have to do is go out through the window.

It's not a very big window.

But I am Batsy Fluffentuft the Magnificent, and no window can frighten me, no matter how tiny it is! I hop up onto the toilet seat, and then shove my head and front hooves through the window. So far, so good.

When I try to squeeze through my backside, though, I encounter a slight difficulty.

You see, Princess Luna's bat treats might be the tastiest bat treats in all of Equestria, but they weren't exactly a low-calorie food. And as proud as I am of devouring so many of them (third highest in my whole battalion, according to our score sheet), their effects on the thickness of my rump were causing me difficulties in my current window-squeezing situation.

I pushed and pulled and shoved, grunting and groaning, but I was pretty stuck.

But then an idea occurred to me. What if I shoved my rump through first? Then I couldn't get stuck hanging out the window like this! All I had to do was pull back inside and then...

Uh oh.

I couldn’t pull myself back in, either! That's when I really start struggling, groaning loudly as I try to shove my too-thick backside back inside.

A knock comes at the bathroom door. “Are you almost done in there, Batsy? I need to take a piss!”

Nopony's supposed to know I'm in here! How did they know it was me?

The knock comes again, but no words this time. Who had that been? I know the squeak in that voice... it was... who was it? Aha! It was Nightwing.

Nightwing is my commanding officer. That is not good. She's the last one I want finding me in such a compromising position (again).

I squeeze and squirm in the window, groaning as I painfully squeeze myself through it.

"Are you okay in there, Batsy? Did you eat something bad? ... Should I call for a doctor? That sounds really bad."

Things are going to get bad if they force the door open and find me like this. I have to get out, and now!

One final, heroically magnificent push, and I'm through the window. “Aha!” I shout to the world. But then I notice my current situation. “Aaaah!” I keep squeaking as I plummet toward a courtyard far below, flailing my legs all over the place, absolutely certain I'm about to die.

But then I remember the great thing about me, I'm a bat pony. I open my wings and catch the air, using my downward momentum to circle most of the way back up to the window.

Which window was it? There's a lot of windows on the guard barracks' tower, and they all look exactly the same. Aha! The open one! (My awesome powers of deduction impress even me, sometimes.)

I flit up to it. I need to tell Nightwing something to stall her and get her to not open the bathroom door.

When I get to it, a unicorn mare screams. “Get away from that window, you pervert!” She slams the curtains closed over the window, and I back away.

Huh. Wrong window after all. That must have been one of the female Solar Guard barracks. Silly Solar Guards, separating male and female barracks. How are they supposed to get any hanky-panky time in when they were all separated like that? Maybe they're all gay? For once, I'm grateful that there aren't many Lunar Guards, not enough to justify splitting us up. I much prefer sleeping all together. Not that we all slept together, together (though I'd probably enjoy that, too!)

Making a mental note of the female guards' window (for future reference, just in case it proves to be useful), I flap back a little and look again. There it is, the right window, a couple rows above.

Once I get back to that one, I call out to Nightwing, who is no doubt still waiting at the door, “Just a minute, I'm almost done!"

Now, all I need to do is come up with an ingenious plan. After that, it'll be easy. And coming up with a genius plan is easy to do, because I'm Batsy the Magnificent, and I am a genius. I think for a few moments, coming up with a lot of plans that definitely won't work. Wow, this is harder than I thought.

Eventually, though, it comes to me. (Of course it does. And it's perfect!)

"Okay, Nightwing,” I call out, “I'm all done!"

"I'm not Nightwing, I'm Moon Glitter,” she answers.

I ignore Nightwing's feeble subterfuge and proceed with my incredible plan. “I'm flushing the toilet now...” Reaching in through the window as far as I can, I can just barely reach the flush handle, and I push it down. As soon as it starts to flush, I cry out, “Aaah! Oh no! My tail fell into the drain! I'm being sucked in! Aaah! The horror!” As the flush reaches its gurgling end, I let my screams slowly fade off, and I quietly close the bathroom window.

Did it work? I hover just outside the window, watching. The curtain is still open. I wish I had thought to close that, but it's too late now.

After a moment, the door gets kicked open. Moon Glitter rushes in, her eyes wide and frantically looking for me, staring into the toilet bowl and shouting at it.

I giggle to myself. Perfect! It worked perfectly. I'm not worried about being seen. It will take a few moments for Glitter's eyes to adjust to the brightness enough for her to look out through the window. I am impressed that Nightwing was able to find Moon Glitter and get her to break down the door so quickly. Nightwing must be really dedicated to making me think it wasn't her out there. (But, of course, I know better.)

I dive away from the window before her eyes adjust, still laughing to myself about how they'll spend all day trying to fish me out of the sewer. Brilliant!

Now, though, I'm free! Nopony is watching me to make sure I don't violate Princess Luna's probation rules, and nopony even knows I'm out here. I'm totally free to do whatever I want! Finally!

Well, I'm bored.

What to do, what to do? I spiral aimlessly down toward the ground, now able to see the ponies and buildings below more clearly. It's forcing me to blink and squint all over again. Goddess above, day ponies sure are colorful! Why do they have to be so garish they hurt my eyes?

Some of them run away when I touch down on the ground. I get that sometimes. Some ponies (especially day ponies) seem not to be able to handle how magnificent I am. I don't let it get to me, though. They'll get over it when they're able to, and then they can give me the appreciation I deserve. Until then, I'll just wave and grin as they run and panic.

Not all of them run, though. Some of them can handle me, apparently. Some wave back, some roll their eyes and ignore me. (I have no idea how they can ignore such magnificence, but I figure that they, too, will come around in time.)

And thus, I begin my adventure, strutting off into the streets of Canterlot's shopping district, just below the barracks wing of Canterlot Castle. I set off in search of ways to enrich my life – loot to liberate, cider to drink, tail to chase... All the best things in life, and it is all mine for the taking without any royally-appointed nanny watching over my shoulder!

I'd walked about three steps when I discover my destination. (Which I have no doubt been heading directly for the entire time, all according to my genius plan, which I definitely have totally planned out ahead of time.)

In front of me is a big glass window in a pink wall. Inside the window are little shelves. On the little shelves are lots of different little pastries and treats. Most importantly, though, through the open door wafts a most delicious melody of scents. It's like when Princess Luna bakes her bat treats, but a thousand times over and in a thousand different variations.

Drooling a little, I proceed through the wonderful door, that incredible gateway to heaven.

Inside, everything is pink and darker pink and lighter pink. There are tables and chairs and a big pink counter behind them that has more treats encased in glass. Nopony seems to be there, though I hear noises coming from the back room.

Perfect! I rush around to the other side of the big window I saw from outside, but this side, too, is encased in glass panes, separating me from those delicious-looking treats.

Which ones do I want the most? Which ones to steal first? I move along the glass, sniffing at them, even though I know I'm just smelling a mix of all of them each time.

Aha! There! Those look just like bat treats, but they're in all different colors! I have to know what they taste like!

But they're encased in glass. How can I get at them? I chuckle to myself. Of course I know how to get through glass.

A deep breath, and then I shriek as loud and as high-pitched as I can, right in front of the glass pane. Day ponies won't hear it – it's above their pathetic hearing range.

It shatters.

Success! Shamelessly, I avail myself of those delicious delicacies in the display case. Occasionally, I have to spit out crunchy bits of broken glass, but it's so delicious I don't even care. Sure, Princess Luna's bat treats are nice, probably even better than these, but these are new, and it's really exciting!

Hey! Did you just break my display case?”

I whirl around to face whoever just yelled at me, striking an innocent pose.

There's a tall, pink day pony stallion staring at me with very angry-looking eyes. He's wearing a white apron and pointing a hoof at me. He's kind of hot.

Wiping the frosting away from my lips, I shake my head. “Nope! Um, probably just the wind.”

He glares at me.

“...or something.” I don't think he's buying it. That's a problem.

“You have a lot of explaining to do.” He glares at me some more, pretty unfairly. (I've been glared at enough already.) “And a display case to pay for.”

Time to lay on the charm. “Hi,” I say with a smile, “I'm Batsy Fluffentuft the Magnificent.”

“You're in trouble, that's what you are.”

I don't much care for being in trouble. It's a real damper on my lifestyle. “No no no, everything's fine.”

“Really?”

“I...” Gotta think fast on this one. Aha! “Don't worry. I'll do anything to make it up to you.” I give him a very charming wink, and an even more charming sly grin.

“Anything?” he asks.

I nod.

He's looking thoughtful now, his mouth quirked and a hoof tapping against his chin. “And I assume you're not able to pay?”

I shrug. It's not my fault that my colleagues beat me at cards. Just a run of bad luck. I'll win it all back soon, plus a lot more, I'm sure.

“Well...” He turns around and heads back for the back room again (giving me an excellent chance to check out his backside, which is truly marvelous). “I could use a little help. Follow me, please.”

My grin is as wide as can be, and my hooves barely touch the floor as I trot along behind him. Damn, I'm magnificent! This is (more or less) exactly how I envisioned the day going.

The back room is full of ingredients and mixing bowls and lots of shiny machines that I don't know what they do. I expect him to stop, but he keeps walking through. I don't get it – this place has plenty of privacy for me to 'help' him.

He leads me to a trap door in the back of the room, which he opens with his magic.

Cheating horned day ponies with their magic! One day, I promise myself, I'm going to become the first bat pony alicorn, just so I can have awesome magic to play with. I follow him as he descends through the door into a dark, narrow staircase.

What is this? Is he taking me down into some secret sex dungeon? Neat! That'll be kinky!

But when we get to the bottom, I'm disappointed. It's totally dark down here, but a few squeaks of echolocation tell me that it's full of boxes and spiderwebs and old machines like the ones upstairs. There aren't any couches, restraints, whips, or even any sex swings. What kind of a third-rate sex dungeon is this?

The stallion turns to me. “My assistant is terrified of this place, and she won't go in here, and I'm too busy with all the orders we get. It would be a useful storage space, but it's all full of spiders and expired ingredients from the store's previous owner. And the lights are broken, which makes it hard to work in here, but the fuse panel is behind all that junk.”

“Where's the sex swing?” I ask.

He backs away with a start. “The... what?” Shaking his head, he brushes the thought away by brushing a hoof through his mane. “Well, all that makes it nearly impossible for me to get it cleaned out, but I'm betting the darkness down here doesn't bother you, does it?”

Why would darkness bother anypony? Did day ponies not like the dark for some reason? I ponder this for a moment. Maybe darkness hurts day pony eyes the same way sudden light hurts bat pony eyes. That would make sense.

“Well?” He's staring at me.

That's not good. Was I not paying attention? “Um... what?”

He rolls his eyes. “You're not the brightest, are you?”

“I'm one of the brightest-colored bat ponies in my whole platoon!” I boast. “Just look how blue my mane is! There's hardly any greyness in it at all.”

He sighs, no doubt overcome with the beautiful color of my mane. “I brought you down here to offer you a deal: You clean out this basement and get the lights working again, and I won't call the Royal Guard about your vandalism and theft.”

“I'm a royal guardspony,” I helpfully inform him, “so you could just call me.”

“I won't call you. I'll call other guards, and I don't think they'll be happy with what they see.”

That was a problem, and worse, it was still daytime, so none of them would be my buddies coming to help me out of a jam. Crap! I'd hardly been out for more than a few minutes, and I was already in trouble. How could this happen?

“Well, do we have a deal?”

It would take hours to clean out this basement! But, then again, if the day guards came, they would arrest me, and Princess Luna would hear about it, and she'd put me on even more probation ... and probably not give me any bat treats for several days. It wouldn't matter that much, I suppose, since I'm already on pretty much permanent probation, but it would end my day of freedom all too early. If I finished this basement – or found a way to sneak out – first, then I'd still have a little bit of the day left before I needed to sneak back into my barracks and pretend I was asleep the whole night. (And claim to know nothing about being sucked into the toilet 'what a ridiculous notion'.)

“Okay,” I say, “I'll do it.”

He nods. “Good. You'll find some cleaning supplies under the stairs here. Just toss all these old boxes into the dumpster out back.”

I nod slowly. “And then the sex?”

He plants his hoof in his face, then shakes his head, groaning. Finally he looks at me and says in a sarcastic tone, “Don't you think you should at least take me out to dinner first?”

“Sounds good,” I say. “You'll have to pay, though, 'cause I'm broke.”

With another roll of his eyes, he pushes past me on the narrow stairs and clomps his way up. “If you'll excuse me, I've got to go clean up the mess you made upstairs before any customers come in.”

“Okay, you're excused,” I call up to him as he disappears in the little opening of light above. I remember something. “Oh! What's your name?”

“Taffy Winkle,” his voice calls down from up above. That's a nice name, I think. For some weird reason, I like the way he says it.

So... Now... The room ... and stuff. There sure are a lot of boxes down here. And a lot of spiders – I can hear them rustling around here and there.

I never did much like the taste of spider, especially not the web-building types. But what has to be done, has to be done, I suppose.

I wade into the darkness, picking out a dusty broom from under the stairs to swipe the spiderwebs away from the first few boxes. Once those are clear, I can pick them up and haul them up the stairs.

It isn't easy, hauling boxes up these stairs. There's no railing, and the stairs are a little steeper than normal, which makes it tricky. Plus, the passageway is so narrow, it makes handling the bigger boxes difficult.

But I manage, and I haul them right out through the bakery's back door. The dumpster is right next to the door, making things easy. As I should have expected for Canterlot, even the dumpster was surprisingly clean and nice-looking, making it easy to get rid of the stupid boxes.

It's really nice outside, despite the sunshine and the weird day-bird noises. There are a couple alleys, leading out of the courtyard the dumpster is in, but Taffy will probably be watching those. I need to be clever. Thankfully, I'm the most magnificent, cleverest bat pony ever to set hoof in Canterlot. Or not set hoof! I chuckle to myself. He probably forgot that I can fly!

I set off upward toward the clear blue sky, already tasting freedom (which tastes much better than web spiders).

Going somewhere?” Taffy asks.

I freeze in mid-flight, which has the unfortunate consequence of me crashing back down to the ground. How did he know?

“I hope you don't run off. Or fly off. Because if you did, I'd have to call the Guard, and I doubt it would take them long to find somepony as distinctive as you.”

Damn, he's right. If they were on my scent, they'd spot my obvious magnificence from a mile away, and I'd have no chance of evading them. “I... I was just stretching my wings a little before going back down there.”

“Good,” he says. And he watches me as I slink back down into the basement hole, not taking his eyes off of me until I'm all the way back in there.

Well, it looks like I'm stuck with this job. This time, when I use the broom, I sweep off all the boxes I can reach first. This is going to take a while.

Hours and hours and hours and then some more hours of hard labor and gruesome spider-eating later, I'm finally finished. I'm tired, a little sweaty, and covered in dust, but the only thing left to do is get the lights working again.

The fuse panel is on the far side, and I can finally get to it. When I open it, though, three more spiders look back at me. I groan, stuffed already, but I snarf them down in the name of getting out of here in time to enjoy the rest of my day.

With that done, what's left is pretty obvious. One of the fuse crystals inside is completely burnt and shattered, probably because somepony tried to pull too much magic through it. There aren't any spares laying around, so I go back up the stairs.

Taffy is up there, mixing something in a bowl, using his hoof to hold the spoon. Weird. If I had day pony magic, I'd never stoop to using my hooves to hold anything. I am intrigued by how his rump wiggles back and forth as he stirs, though.

“Hey,” I say, “I'm finished with all the cleaning, but I can't get the lights back on 'cause there's no spare fuse crystals down there.”

He looks back at me. “Oh, you're done with all those boxes already? It hasn't even been an hour yet. Nice work, if you're telling me the truth.”

It seemed like it took a lot longer than that... I shrug.

“Well, if I have any spares, they'll be in the drawers under the register.” He puts down his bowl and walks back out toward the front counter.

After following him there, I don't see any reason not to enjoy the view as he leans over and rummages around in there. Taffy does have some wonderfully long legs and a nice, taut—

“Here you go!” He turns and holds a small box for me in his magic. “What color was the old one?”

It had been pretty badly singed, but not bad enough to change all its color. “Red.”

“Alright,” he says, his magic lifting the right one out of the box. “There you go.”

We stand there a moment, staring at each other, before I realize he's waiting for me to go back and put it in. “Okay, then,” I say, expertly playing off the awkward pause as nothing at all. I make sure to shake my tail at him a little as I head back to the staircase, just for good measure.

Once I'm down there, fixing it is simple, just sweep out the remains of the old crystal and shove the new one in. As soon as I do, the lights all come on. They're blinding and dazzling me, and I shriek a little. Why did they have to leave the lights turned on?

A bit peeved at Taffy – or whoever had done it – I head back upstairs. It was time for him to let me go, so I could finally get back to enjoying my hard-won freedom.

But when I get upstairs, he's off somewhere in the front. I hear ponies talking in weird, angry tones. Is he with a customer? It must not be a very nice customer, for them to be talking like that.

When I get a little closer to the door, I can hear Taffy clearly: “I told you, I already paid this month. Slick Saddles picked it up.”

“Slick Saddles is a dirty filcher what don't work with us no more,” some stallion's voice replied.

“Well, he's the one who has your money. I can't afford to pay double protection.”

“Oh, we knows that. Problem is, he's gone off and took the train to Fillydelphia, and we're gonna pursue that lead ... to the fullest extent. You, though, you's right here, right now, and we needs the money right here, right now. You seein' how that works?”

“Well, I don't have it.”

There's a long silence, and the unknown stallion sighs. A couple other ponies are laughing to each other in high-pitched nervous giggles.

The stallion speaks again, “That's truly unfortunate, you see, 'cause without no money, we can't guarantee anymore that nuttin' bad happens to this place.” Another pause. “Or to you.”

That's enough of that! I creep out behind them, two greenish-blue stallions on either side of a short fat grey one. I just slowly walk right up behind the big one and let my mouth open, showing my fangs, letting my wings flare out for maximum scariness.

I'm almost touching the big one before one of the two at his side finally sense me approaching. He whirls around and points at me, then screams. “Aaah! A vampony!”

When the other two spin around to look, I hiss and really bare my fangs.

The three stallions trip all over themselves before they finally manage to run out of the bakery. It's honestly difficult to keep a straight face the whole time, but I have to make sure I stay scary until they're totally gone.

Only after they're long gone and probably halfway down the street do I drop the act.

Taffy's staring at me, his eyes wide. He seems unsure if he should have run away along with the three stallions, even though he's seen me before and knows who I am.

I smile at him, and he relaxes.

“Sweet Pink Goddess above, you even had me scared.” He shakes his head and shivers. “You look like hell.”

Looking down at myself, I take a moment to really notice all the dust and spiderwebs all over me. Well, at least it would have made my 'vampony' act more convincing. (Although, really, vamponies are a myth and one that's very hurtful to us noble bat ponies. Not that it matters. I'm totally cool with it and it doesn't bother me at all.) “Basement's done!” I tell him happily.

Taffy chuckles a little and smiles at me. Damn, he's cute. Wait, what? No, I didn't say that! I mean hot. Yeah, he's hot, real stud and all. Muscles, butt, legs, lots of sex. Definitely all about sex. No romantic interests for this mare, no way! I'm far too magnificent for that mushy codependent stuff. But when he turns back to the register, but glances over sideways at me, I flush all over again. “I guess that means you're free to go,” he says.

We both stand there a little longer, looking at each other.

“Thank you for saving me from those guys,” Taffy says after a moment. “I'm sure you didn't know, but the big one, the one in charge, he's got a huge fear of vamponies. I don't know if he'll ever dare to show up around here again.”

I smile at him and lean a little closer. “So... Date?”

Taffy looks right at me, recoils, and rolls his eyes. Then he looks back at his cash register, all businesslike. But then he glances at me, just a moment before he looks away again. When he looks at me yet again, his cheeks look a bit more reddish shade of pink than the rest of him. He shakes his head vehemently and looks away.

Well, so much for getting a piece of that. Still, I suppose there are plenty of other stallions in Canterlot who would love to—

He looks back at me again, making a strange sort of whining noise before his voice finally finds a way out of him, “Aaah, um...” He sighs. “Okay.”

I jump for joy. Yes! “Score! Waterfall Bistro at four thirty. Don't be late!” I'd have him in bed in no time! That settled, I head for the door. Plenty of time. Maybe I could find some good loot out in the shopping district before then.

“Ah, you are going to clean up first, right?”

I look down at myself. Right. Still very, very dirty. And not the good kind of dirty. “Sure!” I say, though I have no idea how, and I spring out through the door.

Sweet! I got some treats, and I got a date with a hot stallion, and the day's only half over. Taffy was right, though, I really need a shower. I'm still covered in spiderwebs and dust! And I'm not likely to find any showers in the Canterlot shopping district.

Ignoring the occasional cries of terror around me (I have that effect on day ponies, didn't I say?), I take a running start and soar upward, working my way back to the barracks tower.

I'd just need to slip in, take a quick shower, and slip back out. Nopony even needed to know I'd been back. Of course, nopony knew I was gone either, right?

As I near the right window (I'm pretty sure it's the right window), I'm reminded, though, that somepony did know I was gone ... though they didn't know where.

Yelling and sounds of ponies hard at work came from above.

When I make it up high enough to peek in the window, I see what the problem is. The bathroom door has been kicked down, the toilet is completely removed, and several burly stallions are busy tearing up the stone floor around the drain pipe as my whole squad crowds in to watch from behind them.

Right above the hole, my commanding officer, Nightwing, yells down as loudly as she can. “Hold on Batsy! We're coming! Just try not to slip any further down!”

Uh oh.

Okay, no biggie. Later, I'd just need to get myself all wet before I came back in through the front door. I'll tell them I got sucked through the whole sewer system and fought my way free at the treatment plant. Perfect.

Now, about a shower, though... Well, the barracks isn't the only place in Canterlot with a shower. I'll just have to 'borrow' someone else's.

What could possibly go wrong with that?

Author's Note:

Fanart from Hungryman


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