Princess Celestia and Lee Timings had a good relationship, but unfortunately their work and schedules caused a rift to come between it. Lee finally gave unto this realization and broke things off with the Co-Ruler. Biggest mistake he ever made.
WARNING!
THIS STORY CONTAINS SOME SERIOUSLY OOC PONIES. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!
Have you ever pissed anyone off?
No, I don't mean it in a 'Stealing the last can from the fridge' pissed off. But rather
'Broke up with a very powerful, angry and slightly insane pony who raised the sun with frightening ease pissed off'
Well...I may have done just that.
And now I'm reduced to running around Equestria, trying desperately to escape the crazy mare while also attempting to hold back my more carnal urge for Alicorn Arse.
...I might have to get back to you on that.
But seriously, our relationship wasn't going anywhere. Celestia had little time for me and with all the shifts I've been working as of late I've had little time for her, so it was really for the best.
Well...it was until she tried to set me on fire, chase me, scream various obscenities not suitable for foals, falcon punch Discord into next week, oh and threaten to rip off my di-
"WHERE IS HE, I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF HIS D-"
Oops, better run!
This story is loosely tied to The Royal Break Up Chronicles, and can be counted as a chronicle, albeit with a lot of short chapters.
By the way, don't take this too seriously. It's just a bit of fun for me XD
Sorry for the long wait but I've had a rather depressing couple of days recently.
And so in order to rid myself of this feeling (And writers block), I had decided to write something a little random, a little fun, and completely crazy!
Namely our good ol protagonist Lee Timings and his unfortunate situation.
So come, come and read as he explains exactly what his "breaking up with the most powerful pony on that world" has done for him.
Begin!
To Run From The Sun
I think I've just made one, if not the biggest mistake of my life.
But before we get to that, let's get the boring shit outta the way first.
My name is Lee Timings, I'm twenty four years old, have a nice if somewhat busy job working at a local bookstore, and about a few hours ago I was in a rather lovely relationship with the Co-Ruler of Equestria.
Equestria being in a completely different world.
How did I get here?
Well…I'm not entirely sure, though I'm fairly certain that Sparkle Mc Nobrains had something to do with it. There's just something about those eyes…they look guilty…and big, seriously, seriously big.
Oh wait, everypony's eyes look big.
Anyway, I'm not the type to drag shit out, so here's a really messy list containing minute details of what I've been up too since I got here.
I arrived in Equestria through some unknown circumstances, got lassoed by a redneck pony, beat the shit out of said pony, robbed her, then got arrested, met the two rulers, took the white one out to dinner with the stolen cash, shagged her, found out that this sort of trapped me by law in a relationship, screamed like a little girl, and then tried to make the best of it.
No seriously, by fucking royalty I had unwillingly chained myself to one of the most domineering females in the universe. And when I say domineering, I really bloody mean it.
There is no mercy in our lovemaking.
And so here I am nine months later, running from all three off the crazy mares.
Hmm…maybe I should explain this one properly.
You see although I got forced into a permanent relationship with my dear Celly Welly (She made me call her that, I swear), said relationship was only forced upon me for six months. Afterwards I was legally able to rid myself of the overbearing pony.
But alas, she was just too damn adorable and I couldn't find it within me to break us up.
Not to mention that she really knew how to use her tongue.
Also, dat ass!
In all honesty I still don't have a clue why she, ahem, loves me. I mean I took her out for a nice dinner on stolen money, fucked her into a drooling mess, and put up a massive hissy fit upon learning the consequences of my actions.
Maybe she's just desperate…or I'm a God in the sack.
I like to think the latter.
Oh yeah, why am I hiding in a closet?
Well…
You see, a few days ago I'd finally decided that enough was enough. Because of work and shit Celestia and I barely saw each other enough as it was, and when we did…my hips paid the price.
And my lips, and chin, and neck, and tongue, and…well, yes, anyway.
I had made my way into the throne room and spotted her sorting through some paperwork, that cute serene smile adoring her muzzle. She looked up from said paperwork and smiled widely upon noticing me.
"Sugarbear!" she exclaimed happily, putting down her work as her horn lit up. "You're home early today!"
Now mentally I was constantly reminding myself that us splitting up was for the best. But said thoughts were swiftly muddled when she quickly levitated me over to her and snuggled me against her tightly.
Maybe it was the warmth of her coat, or the comfort her loving nuzzles provided that made me reconsider.
Or it might have been the hoof she'd stuffed into my pants.
Yeah, the mare is seriously kinky and has no shame. You should have seen what she did at Scootaloo's birthday party.
Poor Scoots. She's never quite been the same happy filly since.
Anyway!
Celestia was more or less being her overly happy self when I finally decided to say it. In fact I made a show of it by forcing myself away from her heavenly touch. My dear Princess pouted adorably at my actions, nearly forcing a heart attack at the same time, and somehow made her eyes twice their usual size.
"Be strong Lee!" I reminded myself sternly. "She may be cute, she may be a goddess in bed, and she may have the best ass you've ever seen, period. But that mare is going to break you in two one of these days, not to mention you don't really love her…okay that's a lie, maybe you do like her a bit, a lot…a bit more than a lot…Okay enough! This is for the best and she is absolutely going to understand!"
"What's the matter honeydew?" Celestia asked, her eyes practically striking me down with their adorability…and warmth, and love, and everything possibly related to positive emotion. "Was I bit too rough Shmoopie?"
"Oh Christ, not that name!"
One of these days, I'm going to hunt down whoever invented that name and cook them with a side of fries and lettuce.
Don't ever say I'm unhealthy.
"No, no you were fine," I reassured awkwardly. "It's just…I think we should…I think…"
"Damnit this was so much easier in my head!"
Before I had any time to react, Celestia had yet again scooped me up with her magic and plopped me right back in her embrace. The next thing I knew, her lips were pressed against mine softly, that tongue having easily manipulated my mouth open so it could slither in.
By the time I'd realized what was going on, Celestia had withdrawn from my mouth and was regarding me with a very happy smile.
"Oh Pookie, you never even had to ask," she chirped joyfully, confusing me somewhat.
"Ask you what?" I inquired curiously.
Celestia cocked an eyebrow at my question, but rapidly dissolved into rather endearing giggles.
"Why anal of course!" she explained enthusiastically.
"But haven't we already done that," I asked confusedly.
The giggling Princess suddenly quietened down and chuckled mirthfully, before lidding her eyes at me and adorning her muzzle with a peculiar grin.
And here's chapter two everypony, aren't I unusually punctual today XD
Okay I just wanna get something out of the way. I know Celestia is out of character, I've mentioned it in the summary (On FIM, my lovely Fanfiction readers).
She is going to be OOC for the entirety of the story. minus a few rare serious moments. If you don't like it, get out, because I honestly don't care about that particular complaint when it comes to this story.
Now then, I couldn't simply leave chapter one as it was, so here is some live Celestia chasing Lee action for you all to enjoy.
After a little bit of serious break-up talk of course, I'm not that cruel to the beloved Princess.
So yeah, this will be one of the rare serious moments in this chapter. The rest will be completely bat shit insane!
And so with that, let's go.
Begin!
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!
I deftly maneuvered my way out of her snug embrace and regarded her with what was hopefully a serious expression.
"Or we can wait Sweetiepie," Celestia soothed gently, that look having dissolved back into its loving expression. "I don't mind going a few rounds before showing you how it's done."
How anyone could say something like that and still appear friendly is beyond my meagre comprehension. But if anything, it did make what I had to say that much easier.
"Celestia," I began, putting a bit of obvious force into the name. "We need to talk…about us."
I might as well have kicked a puppy right in front of her.
Her warm, soft and ever so loving expression morphed into one of worry, of silent dread.
"W-What do we need to talk about?" she asked, her voice becoming higher in pitch for but a moment. "I mean t-there's nothing wrong with us is there?"
I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, trying my best to figure out just how to say what was needed, what would finally put an end to my avoidance and white lies.
I'd been avoiding her whenever I could, which wasn't all that much actually, especially since she had a rather weird way of knowing where I was sometimes.
"I think…we should take a break," I finally admitted.
Celestia's already pained expression became quite distressed at my words, only to swiftly shift back into a hopeful one, her eyes glistening with unshed sadness.
"O-Oh you mean from sex?" she asked, an edge of panic in her voice. "Well t-that's okay, I don't mind just cuddling."
I sighed yet again and shook my head, trying my utmost not to let her despair turn my decision around.
"No Cel, I meant from our relationship," I corrected tiredly. "It's not working out okay, we're either too busy or having a bad day, and it starts off arguments neither of us want."
"B-But that's not true," she countered desperately. "We don't always argue, and when we do, we always have great make up sex."
You know she was kinda right there.
Every time we had a fight or a bad argument, we pretty much always made up with some rather kinky lovemaking. Sometimes a little too kinky. I swear to all that is holy that I will never look at a feather duster the same way ever again.
But this wasn't about the sex, it was about us and the relationship that really wasn't working!
"This isn't about the sex Celestia," I said dismissively. "I just don't think that this relationship is going to work anymore. We've just become…too far apart."
Tears dripped down her face as my words began to sink in, matting her otherwise pristine fur. To my surprise, she gradually rose from her throne and walked the minute distance, stopping dangerously close to me.
"I don't want us to end," she mumbled, nuzzling my cheek sorrowfully, her voice carrying a strange yet beautiful echo.
Or it could have just been the big empty room we were breaking up in, either way it tugged at me uncomfortably, forcing me to consider the thought that I might…be making a mistake,
"The fuck I am, this relationship isn't going anywhere!" I argued silently. "I've lost count of all our fights and my hips are going to fucking DIE if we 'make up' one more time!"
No, enough was enough. I'd been dragged into this relationship, and although I eventually began to recuperate her bizarre feelings…it was simply too little, too late.
And no, I am not making excuses!
I reached up and stroked her cheek softly, regretting it almost instantly the moment her eyes lit up with barely repressed joy.
"I'm sorry Cel, I just don't think this is gonna work out," I said, finality being more or less forced into my tone.
Her happy expression deflated like a flat tyre.
The alabaster mare's head lowered as her ears drooped, tears…so many tears dripping onto the floor.
"I…I understand Lee," she breathed shakily. "Sometimes ponies just aren't meant to be…and I guess we weren't either."
…
Fuuuucck.
How on earth is it that possible to tug on my heartstrings.
Seriously, her words were like depressive daggers, each one burying itself within me one at a time.
"Be strong Lee," I ordered silently. "This is for the best! Just think of how many trips to the hospital we've saved!"
With that sound logic thoroughly deflecting the wave of feels her quiet sobs were inducing, I gave her one last look…before quickly turning away and making my way out of the palace before my own tears leaked out.
"It was for the best," I thought sadly. "In all seriousness, if I hadn't done that now than it would have happened in a fight…and an angry Celestia is one thing I never want to experience."
She was right though, sometimes relationships just aren't meant to happen. And hopefully she'd get another guy one day and he'd do what I couldn't.
Make her happy.
And hopefully not be averse to taking it up the arse. I have a feeling that it would make her a very happy pony if that open mindedness came with him..
As I finally found my way out and onto the road to Canterlot, I allowed myself to breathe in the crisp morning air and smile at the sheer quiet around me.
"This place, this world…I don't believe that I've ever seen something, somewhere so…wonderfully peaceful before."
Or maybe I just need to get out more.
"Yes you do!" shouted a very annoying individual, their voice echoing in the wind.
"Fuck off Pinkie!" I yelled right back, waiting the few seconds for my voice to sufficiently echo.
"No parties for you!"
…Right well, anyway.
After enjoying a few more minutes of quiet, I eventually sighed and began my slow descent down into Canterlot, the image of a cinnamon bun forcing its way onto the top of my priority list.
Unfortunately…
I was barely hallway down the path when I heard, and felt, a very angry roar, followed up by a similarly angry explosion.
And then…a very, very unfamiliar, yet undoubtedly familiar voice.
"LEE TIMINGS!"
The very ground I was currently walking on shuddered as her voice reached my ears, followed up by…well, myself.
What, she sounded demonic!
"DO YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN JUST BREAK UP WITH ME WITH THAT PATHETIC EXCUSE!" she roared furiously. "WHO IS SHE, WHO STOLE MY SMHOOPIE POO?!"
I suddenly became aware of the air becoming steadily hotter as I breathed it in, and for a moment I couldn't figure out why.
But then a rather foreboding shadow suddenly blocked out my sunlight, causing me to look up out of sheer instinct…and then gulp…a lot.
Celestia's eyes were glowing a fierce white as they glared down at me, angry golden tears streaking down onto the ground, the earth melting as it sizzled from their heat.
"Um…hello," I mumbled fearfully, trying my best not to soil myself as she bared her teeth.
I really should kept my mouth shut.
Celestia roared, and when I say roared, I mean like enough to make a Manticore sound like a kitten. In any case, it was more than enough to make me fucking sprint like hell.
"DON'T YOU DARE RUN FROM ME LEE!" she bellowed furiously. "YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME WHO 'SHE' IS. THEN YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE ME AND KISS ME, AND MAKE LOVE TO ME, AND WE WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVE-"
I've had a bit of time to consider how this wacky story is going to go, and have finally settled on bringing up every Cliché I can think off, then thoroughly start to take the piss out of them.
Don't get me wrong, Celestia is still going to be bat shit insane, as well as constantly chasing him down, yelling obscenities and eventually falcon punching Discord XD
By the way, good ol' Celly shall permanently speak with a bold text, though it will be lowercase when she's not raving.
In any case, let's get on with it shall we.
Begin!
Holy Shit Balls Batman!
Well so far my day has been absolutely wonderful!
I mean there's sunshine, unpolluted air, the grass crunching beneath my feet as I run like a fucking mad man.
"I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR DICK, PUT IT IN A JAR, AND CALL IT ROSEMARY!"
Oh yeah, that too.
I'm not entirely sure if I can describe the sheer amount of shock on everypony's face as I just so happened to sprint past them. Oh no, they weren't shocked because of me. You know, despite the fact that I was running, sweating like a bitch and screaming like a little girl.
No, I imagine they looked that way because of the seriously pissed off alicorn that just so happened to be shooting various bolts of no doubt deadly magic in my general direction.
Said alicorn who just so happened to be calm, gentle, loving and unbelievably kind on a regular basis. But because I had the balls to break up with her, she apparently decided to go all super nova and try to set me on fire.
Whilst threatening my manhood…and screaming what I believe to be a long hidden desire to ram me up the-
"JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL I GET HOLD OF YOU LEE!" she screamed murderously. "YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME WHO 'SHE' IS, THEN I'M GOING TO BURN HER FROM THE INSIDE OUT! THEN I'M GOING TO GET THAT TEN FOOT DONG YOU BOUGHT ME FOR OUR SIXTH MONTH ANIVERSARY AND RUT YOU UP THE ASS WITH IT!"
Yeah, that.
I don't believe I've actually ever run this fast in my life, but then again I've never exactly had an angry, tearful, overly kinky ex-girlfriend threatening to deflower my buttocks with a rather large rubber phallus before either.
It's a hard life I lead.
Oh, and the mood swings…jeez.
You should have heard her a couple of miles back (Yes I can run for miles on end, I'm a human, what did you expect?), she'd gone from raging like a lunatic, to crying and pleading like an…insane ex-girlfriend?
Shush you, I'll think of something better later.
But seriously, is she bipolar or something? She's still doing it now!
"Please don't run from me Lee," she cried pleadingly, many hot golden tears sizzling as they hit the ground. "I just want to you to love me!"
"Jesus Christ mare, leave me alone!" I shouted, looking back at her momentarily and regretting it instantly.
Her eyes were still a fierce white, yet were filled with golden tears, many of them having already dried on her cheeks. But what struck me with guilt the most…was the way her face was contorted with despair.
"P-P-Please Lee, we can still be together!" she tried desperately to persuade. "I take back everything I've said. I just want us to be together, marry, have a family and love each other for all eternity!"
"MARRY!" I screeched shrilly, my voice shattering a few nearby windows as I put all the more effort into my never ending sprint. "HAVE A FAMILY? WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU ON MARE!"
I turned sharply and entered a rather dirty looking alleyway, running still until I suddenly hit a dead end.
I honestly have no idea how to describe the sheer level of dread pulsating within me as Celestia's shadow rapidly overwhelmed mine.
Or maybe I do. Perhaps it's the same feeling you get when you're crossing the road and a car suddenly blares its horn behind you, and thus you quickly realize just how fucked you are.
Or not, but what do I know. I'm just a bland, run of the mill human who just so happens to be stuck in la la land.
In any case, I myself did realize just how truly fucked I was the moment I felt her unmistakably hot breath tickling the back of my neck.
"Hah…hah, finally cornered you my sweet!" she crooned, her breath somewhat laboured with exhaustion. "Now…Now you…have, goodness me I need to lay of the cakes. Ahem, now you have nowhere to run. So don't mind me while I work on making you love me again!"
"Now wait a minute Celestia, I think that we should talk aboMPHH-"
Yeah, I had little warning before she span me around with her magic and promptly forced her tongue down my throat, and even less when she began ripping my clothes off.
"No, no, not the top! I got that on sale…Okay fuck the top, just leave my trousers alo- OH SON OF A BITCH! THEY COST ME HALF A DAY'S PAY!"
I wrenched my mouth away from the crazy fucking mare and glared at her angrily, not that it seemed to affect her suddenly cheerful disposition much…if at all really.
It was only when I felt a random chill touching my badingle that I realized…well, that she'd pretty much torn off and incinerated every bit of clothing I had on.
Even my boots!
However that predatory smirk adorning her muzzle kinda put me off the urge to go shopping.
Her eyes had thankfully lost their white glow, and I suppose the fact that she wasn't crying molten tears was also a nice bonus. Yet…dat smirk!
How can biting your bottom lip be scary and seductive all at the same time?!
"Oooh this is going to be so hot Lee," she purred sultrily. "Just you, me and a dirty alleyway around us as I school you in the art of anal."
Celestia's horn suddenly lit up and a familiar anniversary present materialized out of thin air.
"Whoa, hold on a second Cel!" I protested, backing away until I unfortunately hit a wall. "I really, really don't want that anywhere near me. And if you truly loved me then you'd accept my decision."
How is it possible for that smirk to get any creepier?
"Oh but it feels so good Leeeee," she drawled, her eyes suddenly lost in perverse thought. "And couples are supposed to share good things, so what kind of mare would I be to refuse my honeybun such a glorious experience!."
Her focus swiftly snapped back onto me as her magic enveloped me, gently attempting to force me into a very embarrassing position that I will never, ever, ever, ever talk about again after today.
"So as the colts and fillies say nowadays, prepare your anus!"
"Oh God, why did I buy this?!"
I shuddered as the sound of Celestia spitting reached my ears, followed up with some very disturbing giggles.
"Now don't you worry sweetums," she cooed lovingly. "This won't hurt a bit."
"HAVE AT THEE VILLAIN!"
I craned my neck at the sudden yell, only to be caught in shock by the appearance of what looked like a pony dressed in a…Batman costume?
The pony moved so fast that by the time I had blinked there was an alicorn shaped hole slap bang where Celestia had been not a second before.
"Holy shit balls Batman!" I exclaimed loudly, looking down at the hole and spotting the now unconscious sun princess.
The pony landed a few feet in front of me and grinned as she ran her eyes over my body.
"Neigh my gorgeous hunk of meat, we are Batmare!" she declared loudly…before closing the distance between us and delicately slithering her tongue into my mouth.
"Wait, what?!"
'Batmare' broke the kiss a few seconds later and narrowed her strangely visible eyes at me sultrily.
"We have heard that thou art single," she purred happily.
"Umm…yeah," I agreed warily.
"Good," she chirped, before turning around and raising her flank in the air. "Thou has permission to, how do they say, fuck us stupid?"
I'm fairly certain you all guessed the identity of Batmare, so without further ado…
Begin!
There is a disturbance in the Lee force
You know…I think I just might have some of the worst and best luck in all of reality. I mean I break things off with Celestia, she then begins to chase me, scream at me, cry for me, and then attempts to shove a unnaturally large dildo up my ass.
Only for me to then be saved by a bizarrely sexy pony in a Batman costume.
And now that my fucking crazy ex has been buried a few feet below me in the ground, my strangely attractive savior has just bent over and pretty much presented herself for me to use how I wish.
"Go ahead min gorgeous cherry popsicle, ram us!" she declared sultrily, wiggling that fine tush temptingly.
"You want me to fuck you right over that hole?" I asked skeptically.
Batmare put a hoof to her chin and pursed her alluring, plump and oh so enticing lips in thought.
"Hmm, thou may have a point," she concluded seriously. "We cannot have thee focusing on the wrong hole after all, TO THE BATCAVE!"
"What?"
There was a sudden flash of intense light…that was actually so intense that I fell unconscious because fuck you. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a rather comfy bed. In fact it was so comfy that it simply proved too much for my inferior human mind to handle, and thus I promptly fainted…again.
No I'm not kidding, it really was that comfy.
In any case, I found myself waking up once more and thankfully managed to get a hold of myself before the bed dragged me back into dreamland.
This would have been a pretty bad thing, seeing that I'm fairly sure that I was just fucking Celestia in a banana suit.
"Ahh, min glorious nine inch package has finally awakened," said a very alluring voice…right next to me.
I sat up quickly, only to swiftly realize that a certain mare had her hooves locked around my midsection.
"Umm…hello," I chirped unsurely, only just noticing that Batmare had removed everything minus the mask, although her cutie mark was still somewhat hidden by her bluish tail.
"I wish I knew who she was, but that oh too obvious black dye on her fur has rendered this impossible!"
"Salutations," she purred deeply. "We have been waiting for thee to open thine eyes."
I, yet again, had little to no warning before Batmare slipped her tongue into my mouth, before moving herself and pinning me back down with her entire body.
"We have been awaiting this day for many a month," she murmured seductively.
"Y-You have?" I asked curiously, trying my best not to pass out as she rubbed that mhmm ass against my youknowwhat.
"Indeed we have," she nodded, a sensual grin adoring her muzzle. "We have watched thee for so long, pining as we did for thy companionship. We heard thy cries of pleasure as our sis- nemesis rutted thee into oblivion. But now, min fine specimen, we shall instead have the pleasure of, how do they say, blowing thy mind?!"
Batmare shimmied off my shingle, before giving me a saucy wink and lowering her head down.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!," I shouted, grabbing her muzzle just short of its target. "I don't get into bed with random mares, I'm not that type of guy."
Batmare blinked at my refusal, yet to my dismay only grinned wider and raised her head back up, her hooves moving to her mask.
"Ahh but you see, min confused stud," she began cheekily. "We are not some random mare, for you know us quite well."
"I do?"
Before I could get a word in, Batmare peeled the mask off and lit up her horn, blinding me momentarily.
"Behold Lee Timings!" she shouted. "For it is I, Princess Luna, RULER OF THE NIGHT!"
"HOLY SHIT I AM SO SURPRISED!"
The light faded quickly, Batmare disappearing with it. I her place was a very familiar and undeniably sexy mare, and when I say sexy, I mean drop dead gorgeous.
What with that mesmerizing mane that, unlike Celestia, didn't almost blind me with its color. As well as those beautiful turquoise orbs, not to mention that glorious flank.
Though in all honesty I did prefer her with a black coat of fur.
But seriously, dat ass!
It may not have been a big as Celestia's, but by God did it jiggle just right.
"In all our conversations we have noticed thine eyes transfixed upon our hindquarters," she said playfully, that smirk itself being a big tease. "Not that we blame thee, for we purposefully consumed just the right amount of sustenance to keep it just right for thee."
What?
She kept it wibbly wobbly just for me?
"I may just shed a tear."
"So how long have you liked me?" I asked inquisitively, only to lean back instinctively as her eyes glowed angrily.
"Did it just get colder in here?"
"Liked thee?" she repeated, a kind of incredulous edge in her tone. "We do not merely like thee."
She suddenly moved very, very close to my face. As in her minty breath was all I was able to breathe in.
"We would say love, but it is not enough for us," she continued, her once sultrily voice having become quite…possessive. "We live for thee, we want to own thee, we want thee to own us."
I, for quite possibly the billionth time, had little to no warning before she, yet again, slithered her extremely dexterous tongue into my mouth. And of course it'd be rude for me not to play along, and besides, I am single.
Luna pulled away from the kiss and grinned, even whilst she panted like a bitch in heat. She then jumped backwards off of me and spun around, before bending down and lifting her voluptuous flank in the air, waving it at me tantalizingly.
"We were going to begin with the foreplay," she explained flirtatiously. "But the anticipation is killing us. So if thou dost not mind…"
She flipped her luscious tail away from her slightly damp behind and licked her lips enticingly.
"Kindly stick thy beloved length in our marehood and rut us into a stupor."
…
How the fuck does one respond to a request like that?
I mean I could agree and do it, or refuse and find my way out of…actually where the fuck was I?
Ahem, nevermind. In any case, I was in all honesty contemplating the risks of screwing my Ex's little sister.
For one, if Celestia ever found out then I imagine Luna would be spending a long vacation on the moon.
Yet, dat ass!
For two, I've only been single for the better part of twelve hours…I think, where's a bloody clock when you need one? But yeah, I've only just broken up, so it would be morally wrong for me to just jump into bed with someone else so soon after.
Yet, dat ass!
And finally, for three, I'm not the type of guy who just shags someone because they ask for it. I mean where's the dinner, the flowers and second date?
A man of goodwill I may not be, yet I'm not a complete doucheba-
I was snapped out of my thoughts by Luna moaning as she slapped her flank…which then began to jiggle…a lot.
"Fuck it, I'm going in!"
Unbeknownst to me, you know, whilst I began to pile drive into Luna's funzone. A certain alabaster alicorn's eyes had just snapped open, said alicorn taking in a deep breath as she sniffed the air, sensing a great disturbance in the 'Lee force'.
"My babykins is making love…AND IT ISN'T TO ME!"
All of Equestria would look back at this day many, many years in the future, and label it as the great quake of Canterlot.
Sorry for the wait but I wanted to focus on Never Judge before the next chappy XD
In any case, here's the next chappy!
I hope you're up for some crazy Princesses, I know I am :D
Begin!
I Think I Just Fucked Up
I…I think…wow.
Okay Celestia was brilliant in the sack, don't get me wrong. But Luna…wow, Luna just took it to a whole other level.
How do I even explain it?
Well…it's like comparing an ordinary ham sandwich to an ordinary ham sandwich…with MAYO!
…Hmm, very ironic analogy, but it's what it is.
But yeah, Celestia was great in bed. She knew what pleased me and wasn't afraid to experiment. But Luna…Luna was all of this, but with a whole new layer of kinky.
Take this scenario for example.
Celestia and I in are fucking in the bed, and I'm driving into that ass with such gusto that she's howling like a banshee. Eventually it'd get to the climatic end, Celestia would recognize the signs of me about to quite literally blow, and would simply add a little more force into her backwards thrusting.
I would finish inside, she would moan like hell, then we'd have a few smooches and fall asleep with a smile on our faces.
Overall, pretty good sex and nothing to complain about.
But Luna…
Luna and I were in the exact same scenario. I was about to finish and pretty much gasped that I was about to do so. Upon hearing me though, Luna swiftly forced me onto my back with her glorious ass…and continued to ride me with feral abandon.
Now at the time, I thought it no different from Celestia, if not with a little more…animalistic intent. However when my fantastic end was brought out of me…the night princess didn't exactly stop. In fact even when it began to get REALLY uncomfortable, and sensitive as all hell, all she did was grin down at me, light up her horn and…well, wow.
Let's just say that never in all my life have I ever experienced anything like it. Pain and pleasure were morphed into agonizing bliss...and I fucking loved every second of it.
Forgive my unsophisticated words, but I came and I came like a fucking faucet. Hell we were both so caught up in the immense sensation, that both of us thought the room was shaking.
Actually I think it might have been...meh, it was probably nothing to worry about.
But anyway here I am, resting on a rather damp bed with a very happy pony licking my…nipples.
Yep, she's just that kinky. I don't think I'll ever meet another alicorn who'll match her in it, let alone perform like she does.
"Mhmm," she hummed sultrily, stretching her hind legs against my own. "Never in all our life have we felt such passion, thou hast pleased us immensely."
Chuckling, I gently took her left ear in my grasp and rubbed it softly, resulting in a rather happy giggle from the night princess.
"Well I do my best," I quipped, allowing myself to feel a certain amount of pride.
"Indeed," she giggled blissfully…
Only to sudden stop and rest over me swiftly, her near frightened gaze burning into my own.
"We pleased thee, did we not?" she asked worriedly, a rather frantic look in her eyes. "W-We made thou happy, no?"
Taken aback by her sudden mood switch, I could only blink stupidly for a few seconds, my senses only returning to me when her breathing became shallow, her body trembling slightly.
"Y-Yes, yes you did!" I affirmed quickly, smiling as best I could to alleviate her fears. "That magic you did was beyond anything I've ever felt, you were fantastic!"
My words evidently did the trick as she instantly began to calm down, that look in her eye shifting into one of content joy.
"We are glad," she purred elatedly. "We feared that our lovemaking would pale in comparison to our sister's."
I simply chuckled and held her close, kissing her horn comfortingly so as to alleviate her fears.
"Don't worry Luna," I soothed, whilst simultaneously wondering just how I was going to escape her steadily tightening grasp. "Compared to what you just did, Celestia isn't even in your league."
Luna's eyes shone with tears at this, her muzzle swiftly locking onto mine as she-
"IS THAT SOMY LOVE?!"
A loud explosion boomed from just a short distance in front of us, the dust from said explosion forcing me to shield my eyes with my hands…well, that and the really bright light emanating from-
"Oh shit…"
The light died down a touch, revealing a very pissed looking Celestia. Her eyes were darting from a very shocked Luna, and then back onto me, continuing until she finally locked them on my own, angry tears streaming down her matted fur and onto the ground…burning it.
"You…you and my sister?" she whimpered tearfully. "You left me for…for her?!"
I opened my mouth to, once again confirm, that I hadn't left her for anyone…but unfortunately I never got the chance.
"Indeed he has dear sister!" Luna boomed, her hooves snaking round my chest possessively as she grinned victoriously. "Min lover has finally discovered the wonder of our more superior hindquarters!"
Her eyes narrowed somewhat as they took in a stunned Celestia, her tongue slithering out to lick my cheek happily.
"What's more, we hath discovered the glory of his wondrous shaft and attentive touch…and we will never let him go…"
"Wait, what?"
A noise...a sound touched my ears, it was so...heart wrenching.
That sound...The sound of Celestia's sobbing.
It's like an angel weeping over the loss of an innocent soul…and I'm getting poetic again, basically her crying was making me feel like shit.
Oh and Luna's clinginess was a little bit creepy…so yeah, I may or may not have slipped my way out of her embrace and out the bed, though it was mostly to find some form of clothing.
What, I was stark naked between two very attractive sisters that I had absolutely no intention of doing anything else with. Why wouldn't I want to cover myself from- you don't believe this for a second do you?
"Why Lee...?" Celestia whimpered, tears streaming down her face, "Why would do this to me, to us...with my own sister?"
I sighed for about the billionth time that day, rubbing my nose in irritation.
"For the last time Celestia," I growled. "We're NOT together! I'm not with you, or your sister, or-"
You know...when I get into a rant, I don't usually realize what I've said and its implications until I stop or someone tells me.
Thus the sudden chill in the air did little to stop me...at least until I heard a sniffle as someone began to growl...menacingly.
"We are...not together, min beloved?"
The chill around me became a hell of a lot colder as I turned around...only to REALLY wish I hadn't.
Luna, in all her loony glory, was hovering in the air, tears streaming down her cheeks and matting her fur. Her ears were splayed back in fury, whilst her eyes were narrowed dangerously, her teeth bared in rage.
"Uhhh..."
"Beloved," she all but hissed. "Are we...or are we not...TOGETHER!"
"Um…"
She snarled and charged, her iris becoming slit-like as she did so.
"NO, HE IS MINE SISTER!"
Out of the corner of my eye, I suddenly noticed a very desperate looking Celestia flying towards me, her hooves open wide, a very disturbing smile adorning her muzzle.
Well our good ol' protagonist has gotten himself into a sticky (Ha, I said sticky!) situation hasn't he XD.
All well, I guess you'd better read on and see what he does to rectify it.
I mean there's no possible way for him to fuck it all up any worse than it already is…right?
Hehe, onwards!
Begin!
I'm Like A Bloody Mare Magnet
I barely had enough time to blink before Celestia tackled me to the ground, Luna sailing straight past her and through a wall, leaving a surprisingly angry looking shape as she did so.
Unfortunately, I had little time to keep staring at the shape. Namely because Celestia had grasped my face with her hooves and was…licking it…fervently.
"Ach, Celestia!" I spluttered, desperately trying to push the overly affectionate mare off of me. "Get off of me, what are you doing?!"
The day princess stopped and merely stared down at me with a rather…scary look in her eyes, her muzzle twisting into a loving…and frightening grin.
"Did I ever tell you that alicorn's can get very primal with their lovers?" she asked, breathing shallowly.
"N-"
"Well they do," she continued, cutting across any form of answer I was about to give. "And right now, you stink of moondust…and sex….sex WITHOUT ME!"
Celestia, yet again, cut across my attempt to say anything. Though this time she merely stuffed her tongue down my throat, as opposed to licking my face like an excitable puppy.
"B-But it's okay," she reassured…mostly to herself I think. "I forgive you, because I love you, and couples forgive each other…right, RIGHT?!"
Her irises suddenly became around the size of a pinprick, both of them boring into my own with such…desperation that it was actually kind of shit scary.
"Riiiight," I drawled uncertainly…though I really wish I hadn't.
Celestia's ears splayed back as she sighed happily, a rather lovely smile adoring her muzzle as she shimmied her body all over mine, apparently still attempting to rid it of the…moondust?
Luna didn't have a speck of dust on her when we shagged, so what was…ahh forget it, I don't wanna know.
Speaking of Luna…
"Let us return to the palace beloved," Celestia crooned tenderly. "I wish to put all of this behind us…"
She gazed down at me and nuzzled my cheek affectionately, before leaning up…her tongue sticking out of her muzzle in a rather saucy manner as she bent her head down and-
WHAM!
was suddenly sent flying into a wall as a familiar anniversary present smacked into the side of her head.
"STRIIIKE!" proclaimed a very angry, very sweaty, and most certainly sexy Luna.
Said mare dropped the overly long rubber phallus and glared down at me crossly, her muzzle wrinkling in a surprisingly cute way as she did so.
"Beloved," she growled seriously, dropping down over me swiftly, her four hooves trapping me in a furry blue cage. "We believe that thou hast some explaining to do…or dost thou disagree?"
I shook my head rapidly as her hot breath touched my skin, her frown lightening somewhat as I did so.
"Thou uncaringly proclaimed that our loving union was false," she continued angrily, her snout pressing against my nose roughly. "Deny that this is true, and we shall be very willing to forgive thee."
Her unhappy expression suddenly morphed into a rather sultry smirk, especially when she began to grind her fantastic backside against my youknowwhat.
"Or announce that it is indeed true…and be punished severely."
"Punished in…what way?" I asked, my curiosity winning over my common sense.
"Rutting," Luna grinned maliciously. "Rutting and rutting…and rutting, days upon days of it, until thou is begging for reprieve."
...
Now that might not have sounded so bad if I hadn't have already fucked her.
Like I said before, it was pain and pleasure incarnate, bliss and pain brought to an unbelievable level…for a few hours. Days however…that might not be so nice.
"So as we said beloved," Luna purred lovingly, her eyes, one slitted, one not, boring into my own. "Dost thou wish to…repeat, what thou meant to say?"
"I…I-"
"Get your inferior backside off of MY lover!"
A flash of gold struck Luna off of me, though she managed to stay upright as she skidded along the floor.
"We have had enough of this sister!" Luna roared angrily. "He is ours now, let him go!"
"NEVER, HE IS MINE!" Celestia raged furiously. "HE IS COMING BACK WITH ME, WHERE WE CAN BE TOGETHER, AND I CAN SHOW HIM WHAT A REAL MARE FEELS LIKE!"
"Bah!" Luna scoffed mockingly. "A real mare? Sister please, do not begin to compare thine ancient and weathered flank to our most prestigious and voluptuous rump."
Celestia gasped and held a hoof to her muzzle for but a moment, looking back at her flank out of sheer instinct if nothing else.
And then she began to growl.
"My flank may be a few decades older than your own sister," she snarled. "But at least my depths remain snug, unlike your immensely wide cavern!"
Now it was Luna's turn to gasp…and somehow manage an impossible position so she could inspect her recently used funzone.
"Enough!" she snapped suddenly, her attention now entirely on Celestia…which provided me the means to escape undetected. "Words are naught without action, let us fight for the right to claim OUR beloved!"
"VERY WELL THEN SISTER, LET US-"
Unknown to either of them, I was already well out of the apparent…cave, of all things. Though to my dismay, I was still stark naked and in the middle of nowhere.
"Damn it, if only ponies wore clothing all the time, then I could simply borrow-"
I was snapped out of my thoughts by a sudden tap on my shoulder, something that instantly caused me to jump and turn around…only to see…
"Well don't you look nice and naked today," giggled a very happy looking Princess Cadance.
"Wha…where did she come from?!"
Now I know you're all wondering how I know Cadance here.
Well…it's rather simple actually.
We met just a little after Celestia and I started dating. Cadance at the time was rather…happy around me, not that it bothered me much. After all, from what I'd managed to gather the love princess was married.
In any case we talked quite a bit before she went back to the Crystal Empire, mostly about normal everyday things, you know what I mean. But apart from the very affectionate hugs and nuzzles, Cadance had never shown me anywhere near the amount of…um, love, that Celestia, and now Luna, do.
Something that in that moment, I was very certain hadn't changed.
Unfortunately…
A very peculiar shiver struck my body as I stared at her, lasting but a few moments and yet…leaving me with a rather empty feeling as it left. Whether Cadance noticed or not was beyond me, she simply kept on smiling and giggling every so often.
"HE IS MINE LUNA!"
"NEIGH, HE IS MINE CELESTIA!"
Cadance merely stared at the general direction of the shouting…and random earthquakes bewilderedly, before quickly snapping her questioning gaze onto me.
"What was…that?" she asked slowly.
"Hot air and a load of insecurity," I quipped dryly, confusing her even more.
Cadance quirked an eyebrow curiously, but shook her head and turned around, her eyes twinkling with mirth as she spoke.
"Come with me Lee," she chuckled amusedly. "Let's see if we can find you something to wear."
She winked at me and began to trot away, leaving a surprisingly large grin on my face as she did so.
Sighing, I continued to grin stupidly and followed the pink alicorn, trying my utmost to keep my eyes above her...surprisingly visible funzone.
"Well, at least this one's married!" I cheered silently, praying a fervent amount of thanks to whatever deity sent miss Cadenza my way.
We both continued running for a few more minutes, stopping only when we came across a very large oak tree, which we instantly hid behind as yet another bout of yelling reached us.
"Th...Thanks Princess," I huffed happily, peering around the tree for a moment before looking back and...and...
"Oh no..."
I'd seen that look; the same look Celestia gave me every night, the same look Luna gave me after we fucked like animals...the look of utter devotion...of lov-
"Princess-"
"Can you feel it?" she interrupted, her hoof gently brushing against my mouth. "That...force, stopping you from looking away, from rejecting...such passion, such a need?"
I...I could feel...something, I'd felt it the moment I looked at her, the moment she spoke...and gazed at me.
Oh why was this happening?
"P-Princess you're m-married," I protested weakly, the words taking a great effort to say...especially when her muzzle morphed into such a...a lovely smile.
"You're a bit behind honey," she correctly softly. "I've been divorced for nine months...nine long months, waiting for the male of my dreams to find me...just like he did in the dreams I had when I was but a foolish teenager."
What was she talking about?
I hadn't had any...had I?
It's so hard to remember a dream...but maybe that's why I felt so drawn to her, why I felt so...safe with her near me.
It made no sense though, I'd felt the same with Celestia...and even before we boinked, Luna's gaze was easily enough to make me feel...protected.
"Kiss me," she crooned lovingly, her warm breath coating my lips...just out of reach. "Or walk away and deny you feel...anything right now, right in this moment..."
I...I couldn't...I wouldn't...
I was already in way over my head with TWO god-like mares trying to find me, I DID NOT need to make another fuck up and add it to the pile.
No, no I was going to refuse her! There was no way in hell that I was going to fuck the situation up any more than it already was.
And so I...slowly, painfully...began to turn away...gradually...really, really gradually...
Smiling softly at my display of denial, the pink princess merely smiled and tilted her head sideways, her lips letting out tiny breathy moans as they brushed against my own...like a feathers touch.
...
Fuck it, I'm a lost cause!
I took her face softly in my hands and...and gently locked lips with her, said mare sighing contently as she wrapped her wings around me lovingly, her tongue gently slithering into my mouth and touching my own.
"Let me show you..." she breathed adoringly, her eyes glistening with pure joy as they gazed into my own. "What's it truly feels like to make love..."
She pushed me down gently, before climbing on top and pressing her randomly glowing lips against mine.
We're back baby! And with some more OOC ponies all too ready to kill each other over a douche bag.
Just like in real life, right? Oooh, I fucking went there.
Begin!
What The Fuck Have I Done?
I opened my eyes to find myself lying in a rather luxurious room. It reminded me all too well of the type you'd expect to sleep in at a five star hotel.
Thought to honest…I was kind of a little more concerned about the pink foreleg that was currently wrapped around my chest.
Oh and the tousled mane belonging to none other than the Crystal Princess, who was oh so happily whinnying softly against my skin.
I think her legs are moving t- Yep, she's running in her sleep.
As I laid there against the very comfy sheets, I couldn't help but feel as though I were forgetting something…something drastic. Something so important that the very wellbeing of my soul might be on the line should I not remember.
…
Meh, probably nothing to be concerned about.
"Mhmm…Good morning sweetheart."
I couldn't help the goofy grin that wormed its way onto my face, nor the chuckle that escaped me when I noticed Cadance struggling to move her hind legs…at all.
"Oh, I think you rammed me a little too well last night honey," she giggled, falling softly back onto my chest before using her magic to gently maneuver me into a loving kiss.
"Sorry Caddy," I apologized, unable to stay the proud grin as I observed her happily tired expression. "I'll uh…try not to be so rough next ti-"
I was quickly cut off by yet another smooch, though this one lasted a tad longer than the last. In any case, Cadance eventually broke it off and smiled at me…with such passion in her expression it rendered me silent.
"Don't apologize baby," she soothed warmly. "I loved every second of our lovemaking, I don't regret a thing."
She looked away and laid her head back on my chest, nuzzling it tenderly as she sighed…so happily.
"Just hold me my love," she crooned. "Hold me, love me…and always promise to never let me go."
"Always," I whispered, obeying her request to the letter and tightening my hold on her affectionately.
I could hear the birds outside chipping in joy. A soft breeze was wafting around the room too, caressing my uncovered skin soothingly, as if beseeching that I close my eyes…and rest with the mare in my arms.
So…perfect. Nothing can ruin this moment.
…
…
…
CRASH!
The two of us nearly jumped out of our skin as the door to our room flew out of the…closed window.
Ahem.
In its place was something so terrible, so frightening that I instinctively put myself in front of Cadance protectively. Not that I believed for a moment that it would stop the two beasts in front of me.
Not that…that…memories…that…
A sun, a moon, yelling, screaming, loving, crying. Too much, too much!
…
Oh…fuck…
And in the most cliché of moments…I remembered everything. Celestia, the break up. Luna, the love making. The fight between the two, Cadance finding me, helping me…making love with me…
Double fuck.
Truly it was no shock that both Celestia and Luna looked all but ready to tear the wings off of Cadance. No, the shock was that when they looked at me…they both seemed to be in some sort of agreement.
What with the similarly creepy/loving smiles that graced their faces that is.
"Hello Sugarbear," Celestia cooed, her right eye twitching dangerously. "We've been searching for you all night and morning sweetie. All night…and all…morning."
"Y-yeah about that," I stammered. "I uh…I…Oh fuck it, I have no idea what to say right now."
"Oh don't worry beloved," Luna chimed in, her tone rather too…happy for my liking. "We do not blame thee for thy actions. Thou was not in control. T'was our niece that claimed thee from our Bat cave and confused thee with her power of lust."
"Excuse me Aunty!" Cadance snapped, her wings enveloping me tightly as something akin to a snarl escaped her muzzle. "My power is that of love, not lust! And I love Lee far more than you two could ever understand!"
A few twitches of the eye, two muzzles raised in a snarl, growling similar to a wild beast permeating the room.
"Thou dares to compare thy selfish desires to that of ours?" Luna demanded, her voice so quiet that I legitimately had chills. "Niece, thou goes too far…"
"Oh, I don't think so," Cadance retorted, her wings tightening to a near painful point…and just what the fuck was touching my shingle? "I think the two of you were just using him to satisfy your needs! I think that the two of you cared nothing for him, let alone loved him as much as I do."
"You dare-"
"Yes I dare!" Cadance interrupted hotly. "I love Lee and Lee loves me. He's over you, both of you! So get over it, get over him and get back to your lives! He's mine now!"
You know…I'm not usually the type of guy that catches on quickly. In fact I've been known on numerous occasions to be quite slow on certain things.
But the thunderous expression, the way they slowly began to advance on a steadily hyperventilating Cadance, the way said mare was just about managing to suffocate me.
And the way that both Celestia and her sister looked at me, the way their expressions became loving, warm…creepy.
"Yours?" Luna whispered, a rather messed up smile firmly planted on her muzzle as she neared me.
"Y-Yes!" Cadance affirmed, backing away slightly and pulling me with her.
Ach!
"Oh niece…" Celestia crooned, licking her lips as she placed her right forehoof on the bed. "You have a lot to learn about being an Alicorn…so deeply in love with another being."
"Indeed," Luna giggled darkly, she too beginning to climb onto the bed. "Let us show thee just what can occur when thou refuses to…know thy place."
I felt their breath as they neared, wings erect and ruffling in a very dangerous manner.
…
I have the slightest inclination that I should probably start running…as in now, right now, now!
How I broke out of Cadance's hold and managed to jump over the two startled mares before me is…well, beyond me.
It happens.
But nonetheless I did so, leaping over them and continuing to run full pelt out of the door and towards the stairs.
Freedo-
The sudden rubble along the ground made me stubble and nearly lose my footing. In fact it was so immense that I accidently looked behind me…and what I saw was a trio of twitching eyes and creepy smiles of adoration.
Got really bored and decided to get a little more creative!
Cue Discord and a rather serious chappy for a change!
Begin!
How I Met Your Mother!
If I don't lose at least a stone after all of this running and rutting then I'm really going to be annoyed.
The particular thought crossed my mind as I leapt over food stand in the marketplace, simultaneously flinching as I heard the eventual crash behind me.
"Pookie, please slow down!"
"Yes do, we so desperately wish to hold thee!"
"Lee, why are you running from me? We love each other!"
Oh yeah, that too.
Too be fair I did feel a little bad towards Cadance…actually I felt downright guilty. All the mare had done was nearly suffocate me. Hell by comparison to the other two she was practically marefriend material.
Anyway I was getting pretty close to the train station, said train station that I so desperately wished to find refuge in. It was my hope that I'd somehow be able to both lose the Princesses AND find a train that took me as close to the Equestrian border as was possible.
Maybe I should try and get to Griffonia. They eat meat over there by the sound of it, and boy has it been too long since I last had some bacon.
I was still surprised that I hadn't gone into withdrawal…bacon is serious stuff.
…am I still naked?
I looked down at my swinging package.
Yep, still naked…that's probably why everypony's looking at me like that.
And by that, I meant that the stallions were somewhat cross, and the mares were either flushed, drooling, or utterly unconscious.
I need to find clothes; I'm not some wild animal.
As I twisted around a sharp corner, I spotted another food stand and dived underneath it, ignoring the mare's startled gasp as I did so. The mini earthquake predictably passed me by without some much as a scratch adorning the stand…thankfully, I'd probably have died.
Or have broken so many bones that I'd wish I were.
Thus the reason why I broke up with Celly in the first place. Her arse, while glorious, would have broken me into tiny pieces eventually…that and we just weren't seeing each other as much anymore. Though given her reaction to it all…maybe I should have tried harder…
I was brought out of my thoughts by a sudden hoof prodding my bare back.
"Um…I think they're gone now," the mare whispered, her eyes glued to my shingle as I nodded and stood up.
"Thanks," I replied, smiling as I gradually began to make my way ba-
"Don't I get a reward?"
Blinking, I looked back at the mare and gulped at her…revealed position. Namely the way that she was leaning on her stand with her arse out and tail to one side.
…
"Sorry sweetheart," I denied, shaking my head. "But if I ram you then there won't be enough of either of us left at the end of it to fit in a matchbox…sorry."
Without waiting for her reply, I turned back around and broke off into a light jog, twisting and turning through the alleyways until I came across…a washing line!
…with only a bed sheet on it.
In times of strife there must be sacrifices…and in this case it's my modesty.
Grimacing, I reached out and quickly wrapped it around my midsection.
It was small; I was practically wearing a loincloth that barely managed to keep all my junk inside. And while most guys would be pretty smug about that, it was actually rather uncomfortable.
Still, it's better than nothing Lee.
"Need a hand there, friend?" called a rather chipper voice.
Startled, I turned around to face the caller, only to quickly lose my surprise and scowl in annoyance.
"Piss off Discord, I'm busy."
"Oh no!" he cried, placing his hand over his…visible heart? "I am so sorrrrry! And here I only wanted to help my very good friend, Lee Timings."
I rolled my eyes at his dramatics and brushed right past him, ignoring the rather grotesque way he was pushing his heart back into his chest.
He then decided it was fun to miniaturize himself and hop onto the top of my head.
"But come now, Lee," he drawled. "Surely you need some sort of help. After all I've not seen Sunnybutt and her entourage this worked up since…Actually I don't think I've ever seen any of them quite like this before."
"Look!" I snapped. "No offense Discord, but the last time you helped me, you jammed my dick in Tia's mouth for six hours. So don't be too surprised if I'm not jumping head over heels to try and get it again."
"Oh come on, you enjoyed it really," he ribbed, his tiny form tapping my forehead playfully.
"It nearly killed her!"
"Well that's your fault for being such a quick shooter."
"YOU made it go off every five minutes, I could barely think after half an hour!"
"…well Sunnybutt enjoyed it."
…
I couldn't argue with that one.
"Look!" he exclaimed, jumping off of me and resizing himself back to normal. "I know that right now you want to get as far away from those three as possible, right?"
"Yeah…" I agreed warily.
"Then I promise that if you say exactly that," he grinned, rubbing his finger and thumb/talon/thing together. "Then I'll take you someplace they will never find you."
I was wary, don't ever doubt that. But as I contemplated on whether or not to agree…well, my decision was pretty much made for me.
Mostly by the sudden mini quake that caused the ground to tremble beneath my feet. Oh, that and the three musketeers I spotted flying right in my direction, each with a creepy/loving grin on their muzzles.
"FUCK IT, DO IT!" I screamed, just about managing to hear the crack as all of their forehooves were about to touch me.
…
…
…
"Oh dear, are you alright little one?"
The voice I awoke too was…soothing, kind, gentle. Just like the smile I blearily noticed as I gradually opened my eyes.
In that one, jumbled moment, it reminded me of…
"Tia?"
"No sweetheart," the voice spoke, a soft titter alongside it. "My name is Gaia, I'm afraid I've never come across a 'Tia' before."
Blinking rapidly so as to rid myself of the apparently sleep in my eyes, I gingerly sat up and finally obtained a clear look at…wow.
The mare in front of me…was by all accounts the most beautiful Alicorn I had ever seen. I'd go so far as to say that she was by far the most beautiful creature I had ever seen in my entire life.
Her coat was as white as the purest snow. Her mane, like most I'd already seen, was flowing in a non-existent breeze, and looked quite akin to liquid darkness. Her eyes were a divine colour of gold, yet seemed to retain a constant aura of serenity and love for all.
"You're…beautiful," I gasped, the words escaping my lips with such ease.
Gaia blushed lightly at the complement, her smile widening a touch.
"Your words are most kind, young one," she replied, laughing gently. "If I may say so, you yourself are quite a marvel to gaze upon."
You know…it was strange. As I looked around, all I could see was an endless field of green grass and blue sky. It was beautiful…and lonely.
But reality all but slammed into me at those words, reminding me of just who I'd nearly been squished by.
Oh no, not again. I'm not doing this again!
Gaia sighed lightly and shook her head, her motions bringing me out of my thoughts.
"Alas, I am much too old to involve myself as I once did," she explained, looking down at me with a sort of…maternal love in her expression. "And you are far too young for me to even consider, but I am most flattered by your compliment. It was very sweet."
Her tone and expression were both quite warm and understanding. As if she'd known exactly what I was thinking.
"I've been with older mares before you know," I said, though I made sure to smile in agreement…and look down at the now inconspicuous loincloth.
Great, I'm naked again…though she doesn't seem to mind at all does she.
"Oh?" she asked, an eyebrow raised playfully. "And how old are we discussing here? Ten years, twenty?"
"More like a couple thousand," I chuckled, grinning nervously as her eyes widened her surprise.
"Then you must indeed be a time traveller," she replied, giggling at my somewhat surprised expression. "After all, I only created this world a short time ago, and the eldest mare is only one hundred and six."
Huh, only a hundred and six she says-Wait what?
"You created this world?" I asked, stupefied as she nodded.
"Indeed I did," she affirmed. "I do not know how I myself came into being, but I know that it was to create a paradise for all of Ponykind."
Am I back in time? Huh, I guess Ponies are the only race at the moment then…
"Wait, so how old are you exactly?" I asked, grinning sheepishly at her quirked eyebrow.
"Six thousand and eight," she replied, pursing her lips in a sort of mock disapproval. "And you are aware that it is rude to ask a mare her age, aren't you?"
I practically wilted under her gaze.
"I, uh…won't ask it again, sorry," I mumbled, though I quickly smiled as she laughed joyously.
"It's quite okay young one, I was only teasing you," she tittered shortly. "Though if I may, I do have a question for you."
"Sure thing," I nodded, a genuine smile on my face for the first time in what felt like forever.
"Why are you upset?"
…
The question was so jarring that I actually couldn't answer for a good few seconds. It was as though there was a lump in my throat.
"W-What are you talking about?" I asked, confused.
Gaia's once jubilant smile seemed to almost melt into one of sad understanding, her eyes reflecting much the very same emotion.
"Why are you upset?" she asked again, stepping a little closer to where I was sitting.
"I'm not upset," I chuckled…weakly. "Honestly, I'm fine."
She didn't seem to acknowledge my reply, her eyes staring right into mine…with a very real, gentle love held within them.
And then without any warning, without even the slightest sign of what she was about to do...she laid a gentle kiss upon my forehead.
It felt…
"Little one," she crooned affectionately. "I can feel the turmoil within you. I can see it held behind your eyes. You feel hunted, you feel lost, you feel as though you are trapped within a decision of your own making."
Her words, each spoken so gently, so lovingly. Bringing out feelings I didn't know I even possessed…
I didn't feel the wetness traveling down my cheek until it was too late.
"Oh, little one," she cooed, reaching out with her tongue and licking my cheeks dry. "What has been done to you?"
…
…
…
"I...I don't…" I stammered weakly.
Emotion after emotion. Guilt, hatred, anger, sadness. All utterly smashed through my psyche, wracking my form with steadily terrible shakes.
"I d-don't even know where t-to start," I whispered. "I've fucked up, Tia won't let me go, the other's came out of nowhere and I could barely think…and now they're a-all…"
As I closed my eyes, as I tried to form a coherent sentence…the familiar feeling of softness pressed itself against my lips, forcing my eyes open out of shock.
"You are so young," Gaia bemoaned quietly, her right wing stroking the right side of my face ever so softly. "Too young to feel as you do."
The stunning mare lay down on her side, her long, beautiful mane gently moving me with her, placing my body alongside her own. Once done, the mare spread her gorgeous left wing and wrapped it easily around my back, pulling me until our bodies met and…and…
She placed her muzzle atop my head, smoothing out my hair as she kissed and licked it gently.
"Lay with me, young immortal," she cooed, smiling at my sigh as her tongue brushed through my hair. "Lay beside a Goddess…and let her heal your pain."
...
…
…
When I next opened my eyes…it was only to find myself atop a luxurious bed.
