Ch. 1 - The Return

The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
The Return

It was amazing how the proximity of death sharpened the senses. Perhaps it was the faint scent of reptile that triggered the first stirrings of panic deep within his subconscious. After all, even if Green Grass had never actually seen a dragon, he had read nearly every book about dragons that had ever been written. Although none of the books could describe the scent that surrounded the ferocious beasts, there might have been some hidden remnant of knowledge between their pages, giving him a moment’s warning as to what lay behind the door he was so casually opening.

Dragons. Deadly creatures, nearly immortal, growing to immense power and size. Nearly everything Ponykind knew about them came from the few encounters that ponies survived by luck or pure whimsy on the part of the beast. In Green Grass’ case, every fact he had read about dragons cascaded through his herbivore mind in a torrent as the door swung open and he saw the back of the surprised predator no more than a few yards away.

Time all but slammed to a halt as he stood there, paralyzed in shock. A small portion of his mind immediately classified the dragon as draconus vulgaris from the smooth purple scales and green fins. Male, if the shape of the crest and tail were referenced correctly in his books.

The noise made by the opening door drew the predator’s attention, causing it to turn in almost a glacial fashion to Green Grass’ adrenaline-fueled perception. A thick book tumbled from the pony’s mouth, forgotten in his panic even though it had been the most important thing on his mind a mere terrified heartbeat ago. Now something else occupied that portion of his mind. Teeth.

The dragon began to open his mouth during the turn, revealing rows of bone-white teeth topped with razor-sharp fangs. They could crunch through rock as easily as a pony could eat pretzels, but they were not to be the reason for his impending demise. The flexing of muscles in the dragon’s chest and the intake of breath clued Green Grass to his doom. The moment the dragon completed his turn, he would breathe out.

And dragons preferred their helpless prey roasted.

As the dragon continued to turn, a single eye, darker than the finest emerald with a thin slit pupil riveted his attention. As long as there was only one eye holding the young pony in its hypnotizing grip, the beast had not finished turning, and Green Grass still had an instant to live. When the turn was complete, the opening jaws would belch forth dragonfire and burn him to ashes.

Most ponies had their entire lives pass before their eyes in the moment of death.

Green Grass only saw the last five minutes.

(five minutes ago)

♫ Let me live, and never worry about tomorrow
why ever worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow’s another day! ♫

(‘Song of the Open Road’ by Flankie Laine)

The cheerful song that floated through the warm noon air was being rather enthusiastically belted out by a stocky green pony pulling a small wagon, although the singing cut off rather abruptly as the wagon crossed into the outskirts of Ponyville. After all, Green Grass had discovered the hard way last year that singing inside the city limits had a way of turning into a full parade with marching bands and confetti.

Settling for a quiet whistling of the tune, the young tutor plodded along with his wagon creaking behind him, simply enjoying his freedom on this beautiful day. In his hometown of Canterlot, everypony wanted something out of him, with his parents being the worst of the lot. They had constantly bemoaned their chance of getting him settled down in a ‘proper’ job, perhaps in the family business or some other employment where who he was would be more important than what he did with his life. The day he got his cutie mark in the waiting room of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns was the best day in his life, made better by the look of stunned horror on his parents faces as their plans for his future crumbled. His newfound gift of teaching little unicorns their first magic had been about as unexpected as his subsequent embarrassing and fortunately short introduction to Princess Celestia, but there was no arguing with a cutie mark.

Tilting his floppy fedora forward to block the glare of the sun reflecting off the gathering clouds, he glanced over his shoulder at the distant city of Canterlot and waggled his flank in a sign of juvenile defiance more appropriate to one of his young students, although the gesture was spoiled by the thunking noise of borrowed books shifting inside his wagon. Even though he owned the wagon free and clear, the contents were only a loan from his father’s library. The living allowance stipend that came with his job as a Unicorn Magic Youth Educational Specialist had paid for the wagon, allowing him the glorious freedom of travel while still keeping his research and entertainment within hoof’s reach at any hour of the day or night.

Last year’s visit to Ponyville as a student teacher had been... different from what he had expected. All of the theory in the world could not compare to the actual experience of having a student detonate a spell a few feet in front of his nose. At least this year was going to be less of a challenge now that he was an experienced teacher. Or at least he hoped.

A rainbow-streak of light in the cloudy sky made him abruptly aware of his first challenge, and his carefree whistling died on his lips. The story of the Elements of Harmony would have been a strange enough tale if discovered in dusty manuscripts during his thesis research, but reading in modern newspapers about how three of the ordinary ponies he had known in Ponyville last year had somehow become users of the ancient artifact and brought Princess Luna back from the moon was just weird. The words ‘Pinkie Pie’ and ‘ancient artifact’ did not belong together, and the thought of Rainbow Dash with some cosmic power brought shivers up his back. At least Applejack was a rational leader, even if she was too smart to be fooled with his theatrical acting tricks. Then there was Rarity, who he had only met once at her little sister’s early evaluation last year, and Fluttershy, who he had never seen at all.

The last, of course, was the Element of Magic, Twilight Sparkle, whose reputation preceded herself. During his college years, every time there had been an explosion on campus, a tree suddenly growing out of the top of a building, or a rain of frogs, it had been called a ‘Twilight.’ He had never been so glad to be in the educational school with the lower-level classes than when the ground would shake, and some upper-level magical class would suddenly become an open classroom, raining shingles and roof braces across the university. It was probably more for insurance purposes than any real research opportunities that Princess Celestia’s prize student was being housed so far away from Canterlot, and he smiled thinly at the thought of the princess’ pet trying to pull any rank on Miss Dewey, Ponyville’s librarian.

Earth ponies aged well, and the elderly librarian had taken a certain shine to her ‘Little Avocado,’ but that had not allowed him any slack when dealing with her precious books at first. On last year’s visit, it had taken all of his not inconsiderable skill at flank-kissing and flattery to wrangle a free parking spot for his wagon under the library branches, and after a week or two, he found her to be actually tolerable. A few chores on her behalf finally resulted in a few relaxations of the library rules on his behalf, and they got along fairly well until he had to leave for his next assignment. With his rotten luck, Miss Dewey would have forgotten all about him this year, and he would have to go through the whole buttering-up act again.

A faint rumble of thunder as the weather pegasi tuned the thunderclouds made him increase his speed to a pained trot through the rapidly clearing streets, the wagon jolting along behind him. Although Green Grass was wearing a thick cloak to guard against the chafing of the wagon harness and a hat to block the warm sun rays, he much preferred to spend rainy days someplace dry. Preferably with food. Which brought him to a decision: Sugarcube Corner or the Golden Oak Library?

The bakery had the irresistible appeal of sugar in dozens of forms, providing a dry location where he could rest and chat with Pinkie Pie about the past year’s events, both mundane and Elemental. The friendly party pony had always been willing to help set up entertaining distractions for his students or rewards for their hard work, and she would have much more pleasant things to talk about than Miss Dewey’s inevitable lecture on ‘ducking responsibility’ and ‘maturity’ that would certainly follow the return of his overdue library book. He never had been good at facing conflicts with adults, finding it much easier to deal with little fillies and colts who shared his views on the stressful subject. Last year, he had spent a great amount of pleasant time in Sugarcube Corner avoiding conflicts, although it did leave him with a few more pounds than when he had started.

If he were to slip by the library now, perhaps he could catch Miss Dewey during one of her midday naps and slip the book back on the shelf without her noticing. That would let him park the wagon in his accustomed spot, return the book, and escape to the bakery to establish his alibi for when she woke up. A sharp twinge in one knee sealed his plans.

Library first to drop off the wagon, before I break my back. I suppose it’s my own fault. If it had a few dozen fewer books, it might not be so heavy. Or a few dozen dozen fewer.

“Flowers,” he muttered as he pulled the wagon up to the big old oak tree that served the community as a library and research center. “Miss Dewey planted flowers over my parking spot. I hope this isn’t some payback for not returning that book before I left.”

He gave his wagon an uneasy glance before pulling it under the library’s leafy shade to retrieve the errant library book. The thought of just slipping it into the book depository and fleeing flickered briefly before reality snuffed it out like a match. There was something strange in the air, perhaps a faint scent of smoke that triggered the thought. Concern roiled in the back of his mind at the idea of even a single match inside the flammable structure of the library. Miss Dewey was quite stringent about using only firefly lanterns for illumination, and only fed coal into the ancient kitchen stove with the smallest of scoops during even the coldest winter.

He retrieved the book from the wagon, making certain the parking brake was set and the doors closed as he eyed the sky. There were only a few empty spaces in the overcast for the weather team to plug before the rain was going to begin, which meant he had little time to dawdle or he would wind up trapped in the library. He had no desire to nosh off leftovers in Miss Dewey’s antique icebox, which ran heavily to prunes and applesauce, so he dusted off the tattered book before picking it up in his mouth and heading for the library door. Miss Dewey always despised tooth marks on the books, overdue fines, and crumpled corners. This one had all three, in addition to more than a few small drool marks where he had fallen asleep while reading. And Chapter Twelve, which was going to be a royal pain to explain.

If she’s awake, I should be able to distract her by asking about my students for this year. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to give her the beaten puppy face, droop the ears, and try scuffing the floor with one hoof. Just don’t get her talking about local events like the Elements of Harmony, or the rain will start before I can get free.

The library door was never locked, so it only took a nudge from one hoof to bump it open while he stepped inside with the book in his mouth…

Ch. 2 - A Slight Misunderstanding

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
A Slight Misunderstanding

“Hi, I’m—” Spike watched the book bounce against the library floor as a rippling wave of air filled the space formerly occupied by the green pony carrying it.

“Wow, and I thought Rainbow Dash was fast.” The little dragon picked up the book and gave it a heft before closing the library front door.

“Spike! Who was that?” Twilight Sparkle’s voice threaded upstairs by way of the open door into the basement laboratory. Since late last night, she had been engaged in yet another pointless experiment which would probably only generate broken glass and ashes for him to clean up. If he was lucky.

“Just a delivery pony with that book you were missing. Looks like they had to send you a used copy.” He gave a skeptical look at the somewhat ragged cover with fresh tooth marks. “Really used.”

“Well, don’t forget to put a library card in the back of it before you shelve it,” she called back.

“Anything that keeps me out of the lab,” he muttered, before looking in the back of the book. “Hey Twilight! It already has a card! Looks like it got checked out by somepony named Greengrass last year.” Spike stuck said card back into the book and totaled up the overdue fine while an enthusiastic downpour started outside. “That can’t be right.”

“What isn’t right?” asked Twilight Sparkle as she trotted up the stairs with a yawn and hung up her lab coat and safety goggles. “The rain outside? Because I know we were scheduled to get an afternoon shower, but that seems a little excessive, even for Rainbow Dash.”

“No, not that. I added up the fine on this book according to the formula you came up with, and I ran out of beads on the abacus.” The young dragon glanced out the library window with a thoughtful frown. “Now that you mention it, the rain is coming down pretty heavy.”

With an explosive bang, the front door of the library fairly sprung off its hinges and a green pony holding a bucket of water dashed across the library floor—

* * *

“DragondragondragondragonDRAGON!” gasped Green Grass as he dashed away from the fire-breathing dragon in the flammable library with the flammable books and the most probably flammable Miss Dewey since her age was coming up on her century mark, and she seemed drier than any old stick. “Fire!” he screamed up at the pegasi putting the final touches on the afternoon rainclouds. “Fire at the library! Hurryhurryhurry!”

“I’m on it!” shouted the rainbow-tailed leader, grabbing a big chunk of cloud and shoving it over the giant oak tree. “Come on girls! Twilight’s going to be upset if any of her books burn!”

Green Grass grabbed the fire bucket from his wagon and held it under the downpour as the weather ponies hopped on the cloud. There was no real way of stopping an armored, clawed, fire-breathing dragon, but you could slow it down if you could put out its fire. He gripped the bucket’s handle with his teeth and bucked in the front door of the library, calling out, “I’ll save you Miss Dewey!” in a voice muffled by the bucket handle. Soaked in rain and holding the bucket full of water as a flimsy defense against the dragon’s fiery breath, he plunged across the library floor and heaved the water straight into the face of the stunned dragon — and the purple unicorn standing next to him.

Slowly, a set of facts became clear to his fear-scrambled mind:
The dragon was very small, perhaps even a baby.
The purple unicorn was not afraid of the dragon, even standing to his side.
A purple unicorn with a baby dragon could only be Twilight Sparkle, protégé to Princess Celestia.
She looked angry when wet.
So did the dragon.

I wonder what the moon is going to be like.

“I can ex—“ he began weakly before a purple aura yanked him abruptly into the air by his tail.

“OUT!” His surroundings passed by in a blur as he flashed through the doorway and across the lawn in a long parabolic path that intersected a small tree at the end of the block with predictable consequences.

“AND STAY OUT!” The empty bucket followed the exact same path, exchanging potential energy for pain just as he managed to pull his head out of the tree. The library door slammed shut, locked, and the Open sign flipped over to Closed For Cleanup.

“Hi Grassie! I see you met Twilight! Isn’t she just the neatest friend anypony could have? Huh? Huh?”

There was obviously something wrong with his vision after hitting the tree. All he could see was waves of pink passing in front of his eyes.

Oh, wait. Pinkie Pie.

“Hi Pinkie.” His eyes refused to focus, and it did his scrambled nerves little good to see multiple pink party ponies all hopping happily around him.

“Does this mean the library’s not on fire?” The irritated voice from above sounded familiar. As he looked upwards, his view turned from multiples of pink into two angry rainbow-maned pegasi sitting on two clouds.

“Oh. Hi Rainbows. Rainbow. No, nothing is on fire. I just… was confused for a moment. Don’t sweat it, the library tree probably needed some more watering anyway.” Green Grass took off his hat and wrung it out before flopping it back on his head with a squelch. “I was needing a shower too, but not anymore. Where’s Miss Dewey?”

Pinkie Pie bounced in circles while chattering, “Oh she moved out a couple weeks before the Summer Sun Festival and missed all the excitement when we fought Nightmare Moon! You should have seen it, she was all like ‘The Night will last Forever’ with her doomy evil voice and we were all like ‘Oh yeah!” only that was Rainbow Dash because I was trying to figure out how to have birthday parties if there were no more days and birthnight parties would be all gloomy and depressing and how would you tell how old you were if there were no more days anymore but—”

The cloud descended over Pinkie Pie with a soft squishy sound as Rainbow Dash brought herself down to eye level with the embarrassed tutor. Despite her voice being muffled to a faint mumbling by the cloud, Pinkie Pie continued to chatter as if nothing had changed.

“Hey, long time no see, Grassie,” said the short-tempered pegasus, tapping one hoof against the edge of the cloud with little crackles of lightning. “Did you really think the library was on fire or were you just pulling one of your little pranks on me on your first day back into town? Because it wasn’t very funny.”

“Oh, I saw the dragon, and I overreacted. A little.” Green Grass pulled his hat lower to shade his burning cheeks and sulked while Rainbow Dash snorted with a suppressed chuckle. “It could have happened to anypony.”

“Anypony? Right!” Rainbow Dash fell backwards onto her cloud and waved all four legs while filling the air with peals of laughter. “Oh yeah. Like when Sparkler managed to blow all the windows out of Ditzy’s house every day for a week, or that horde of mice⁽*⁾ that nearly ate—”
(*) The Vermin Repulsion spell is entirely too similar to the Vermin Attraction spell, but it could have been worse. It also is quite closely related to the Lawyer Attraction spell.
—

“Hey! It was my first year teaching! I’ve gotten a lot better since then.”

“Surrrre you have. Just wait until you start teaching Sweetie Belle.”

Rainbow Dash quit laughing suddenly and glanced at her house floating above the edge of town. “Maybe I should move outside the city limits a mile or two until you’re done. Fluttershy won’t mind if I tie up there for a few weeks until the wreckage quits bouncing.”

Green Grass’ blush had almost made the green pony a nice healthy McIntosh red by the time Rainbow Dash hefted her cloud up and started to fly away with one last snort of laughter. “Well, I gotta get back to the rainstorm that somepony delayed. I’ll catch you at Sugarcube Corner once we get the rain started and you can settle your bill for turning in a false fire alarm.”

“…and that’s how Equestria was founded! Pretty neat, huh? Huh?” Once the cloud lifted off her, Pinkie Pie resumed her hopping path around Green Grass. “So can we eat now? I’m starving!”

Ch. 3 - A Brand New Start

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
A Brand New Start

On any list of places in Ponyville to wait out a good, long, afternoon soak, Sugarcube Corner ranked at the top. Admittedly it was a short list, being as Ponyville did not have very much to put on the list other than the spa, where you could soak in warm mud instead of the cold mud outside, or the bowling alley where they discouraged any form of mud at all. Sugarcube Corner outranked them all, because it had something no other business in the small town could match: Plenty of Pinkie Pie’s Pastries and Pies (on sale during rainy days at 20% off).

Needless to say, the bakery tables were nearly all filled with happy ponies, all nice and snuggly warm while munching away on baked goods and watching the chilly rain outside. One table in particular had become slightly more loaded than most, as Pinkie Pie had brought the long-absent tutor one of everything, and stayed afterwards in case he needed more.

“I tell you Pinkie, this is what I missed from this town the most. You have the most delicious muffins in all of Equestria. And your pie! It is simply heavenly. I could put my nose down in it and not come out until tomorrow.”

Pinkie Pie giggled and turned slightly more pink while scooting the chair closer. “Oh, stop it. You’re making me blush. Anything else?” She leaned nearer to the green stallion and looked into his eyes, blinking rapidly.

“Your cookies are without equal, your donuts divine, your pastries perfection. The cake you make is baked without flake, your frappe makes me happy, your desserts taste so good it hurts, the coffee is cataclysmic, and the milk—” Green Grass took a sniff before taking a sip “—tastes a little off. Is the icebox out of order?”

“No, silly. The icebox works perfectly. We were all out of milk, so I got you some foal formula.”

The spray of non-milk reached halfway across the room as Green Grass spasmed in the middle of a deep gulp. Coughing and spluttering, he shoved a napkin into his face and tried to rescue some degree of composure until Pinkie Pie said, “Or it could be from Mrs. Cake, she’s been pumping for the twins. Oh, somepony’s at the door. Better get it.”

The happy pink pony bounced over to the front door and flung it open. “Applejack! What are you doing out in the rain?”

“Delivery. Mr. Cake said you were about out of milk, thought I’d run you out some fresh before ya do somethin’ silly with your substutin’.”

“Too late,” gasped Green Grass from the floor, still coughing.

“Hay, I recognize that voice.” A damp, rain-slickered head poked inside the bakery door and regarded the stallion under the table with a neutral stare. “Grassie, I heard you already met Twilight and our town’s resident dragon.”

“Oh no,” moaned Green Grass and put a hoof over his head. “It’s started all over again. What did you hear?”

“Not much really. Just that you lit out of the library like your tail was on fire, squealing like a little foal when you saw little ol’ Spike. An that Twi threw you out like yesterday’s newspaper after you went peeling back in there with a bucket of water and soaked ‘em both.”

Green Grass winced. “How widespread are the rumors?”

“Well, ah heard it from two pegasi on the weather team on my way over here, and Twilight.” Green Grass cringed and added a second hoof over his head. “Oh, and Ditzy says not to worry none, ‘cause her little filly is really brave, and will toughen you up right quick.” A tablecloth was added to the hooves. “Oh, and when I told Rarity, she said you can have your classes in the boutique instead of the library, if yer too afraid of little ol’ Spikey Wikey.”

“My reputation,” declared Green Grass dramatically, “is toast. Thank you, Pinkie Pie.” He took a tentative nibble at the toast Pinkie had given him and smiled thinly. “Your toast is the most.”

“Oh! Oh! I know what we could do!” Pinkie bounced around the room, balancing a full milk bottle on the end of her nose. “We could take you to the spa, and dye your coat and mane to some really silly color. Like pink! You could be my brother that I never had! Or my sister that I never had! Only I have sisters, and you wouldn’t be able to look like my sister unless—”

“No!” Green Grass came out from under the table like a shot. “Here, let me help you with getting that milk back to the icebox, Pinkie. I’m certain this will all blow over by tomorrow, and nobody will remember a thing about it.”

“Well, ah’m pretty sure Twilight will remember,” said Applejack sternly while unloading bottles of milk inside the bakery door. “She remembers everything, and I think you kinda scared her a mite bit with yer antics.”

The tutor resumed his place at the table once he had helped move all the bottles to the cooler, and gave a sideways glance at Applejack, who was still standing patiently in the rain at the open door. “Um, A.J. Could you run over to the library and apologize for me?” he asked hesitantly.

“You ain’t changed none since last year,” huffed Applejack. “Tryin’ to get other ponies to cover for your messes. I suppose if you can’t get me to do your job, you’ll pawn it off on yer kids this year just like before.”

“Of course not!” objected Green Grass, who had been thinking that exact same thing. “But it’s raining right now. How about I write a nicely worded apology letter, and hide from both of them until next year when my circuit comes around here again?”

“No.”

“I could send her a nice cake with frosting that says ‘Twilight Sparkle and Spike, I apologize for dumping a bucket of water on you, signed Green Grass,’ would that do the trick? Thank you Pinkie.” Green Grass took the cake Pinkie gave him and checked the spelling. Perfect, as always.

“That’ll be twenty two bits, please. We’re having a special on apology cakes.”

Applejack shook her head, scattering droplets across the bakery floor from her wet mane. “Nope, yer gonna have to go do it in person. You should still take the cake though.”

“It’s half banana and half marble chip!” chirped Pinkie Pie happily. “They’ll love it. And we can have balloons and streamers and ice cream and—”

“All right! I give up. Just as soon as it quits raining, I’ll go over to the library.”

“Good,” declared Applejack smugly before looking up into the clouds and shouting, “Ok, Gassy⁽*⁾ said yes!”
(*) A nickname he had picked up last year after placing second in the Chimichanga Eating Contest at Ponyville’s ‘Fiesta Mexicolt’
—

Sunlight streamed out from the sky as a half-dozen pegasi pulled the clouds away in a line between Sugarcube Corner and the library. Knowing defeat, Green Grass could do nothing but shake his head and put his damp hat and cloak back on for the walk.

“You know, for the Element of Honesty, you’re awfully sneaky.”

Applejack chuckled. “Ah got a little sister. Just be glad she’s not one of yer students this year.”

Ch. 4 - Apology Accepted, Captain

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Apology Accepted, Captain

Twilight Sparkle had faced elemental forces of nature beyond comprehension, forces of destruction and catastrophe that could flatten nations and destroy mountains, but there was one force she always dreaded facing: Ditzy Doo.

“...she’s made really good progress with you. It’s not that I don’t think you’re a good teacher, Twilight. It’s just — oops, sorry. My bad.”

Yet another feather-driven ceramic vase struck the library floor and shattered like the cheap pottery it was. Every time the blonde pegasus came into the library for a book, she could be counted to break at least one vase, sometimes even a vase Twilight was not even aware she had. Repairing the damage had gotten old; it was much easier to keep a box of cheap vases downstairs and order new ones when the box got low.

“I know you only want Dinky to have the best magical education available. She’s made great strides in the few weeks I’ve been working with her; she doesn’t break nearly as many things as before and she hardly ever sets anything important on fire.” Twilight took a breath and edged a little closer to a bookshelf that seemed to be Ditzy’s next accidental target. “Why don’t you just let the new teacher tutor Dinky for a few weeks and then we’ll see how it goes. I can always pick right up where we left off if that’s what you want.”

“Gee, thanks Twilight! Hug!”

As much as she feared someday being crushed by the walleyed pegasus’s enthusiastic hugs, there was always a welcome smell of ozone and baking muffins about her soft grey coat that made her think of home, and her own mother⁽*⁾. A faint rapping at the door interrupted their hug before extra oxygen was needed, and Twilight reluctantly abandoned the hug for opening the library door instead.
(*) Twilight Velvet, PhD, Dean of the High Energy Thaumatology Department, Canterlot University.
—

“Hi.”

She almost slammed the door and went back to the hug.

“Oh. It’s you. No bucket this time, I see.” Twilight tapped one hoof as the uncomfortable green stallion squirmed on the doorsill, still wearing his lumpy hat. He looked damp and unkempt, but there was a thin line of pink frosting decorating his upper lip like a silly mustache, and a decorated cake resting on top of his well-worn cloak. The welcome tang of bananas drifted in her direction, making her nose twitch as she tried not to drool.

“Hi Greenie!” Ditzy flew up a bit to look over Twilight’s head, managing to only knock three books off the shelves. “Have you met Dinky yet?”

“Not today, no. Is she ready for magic already? Last time I saw her she was only...” The green stallion trailed off at the cold look Twilight was giving him. “Um, I’ve got a meeting with Cheerilee this evening to rough out a roster of students and there will be a student/teacher meeting later so we can set up schedules. We can talk then, okay?”

“Okay, Mr. Green Grass. See you then!” The grey pegasus slipped out of the library window and flew away, with Twilight levitating the window closed behind her to keep any more rain out.

The puddle on the floor where she and Spike had been drenched was almost gone with only a bit of dampness on the bottom of her hooves to remind her of her previous humiliating ordeal. Still, the stallion was standing there all damp at the door with such a hang-dog expression and big blue eyes that she felt like she was kicking a puppy by frowning at him.

“What did you want?”

Oh, that was wrong. He just winced like I hit him. Maybe I should have asked if he wanted to apologize? No, that would be forcing him, and that isn’t the way you get an apology.

“I wanted to apologize for — hey, where’s Spike? I wanted to apologize to both of you at the same time.”

“He’s in the oven, drying off,” said Twilight bitterly, remembering just how much the little guy was spitting and sputtering after being drenched. It was amazing the way the little dragon could walk in the rain, swim in the lake, and drink more soda than any three ponies put together⁽¹⁾, but being splashed unexpectedly in the face was so hard on the little guy.
(1) Except Pinkie Pie, of course.
—

“I didn’t hurt him, did I?” It was nearly impossible to stay mad when the green stallion looked like a beaten puppy, all droopy-eared with downcast eyes and scuffing the threshold with one hoof.

Drat, why does he have to look so pathetic? He can’t be faking that.

“He’ll be fine; we’ve done this before. Lightly baste baby dragon in mineral oil, bake for one hour at 250 degrees, turning occasionally. End result: One toasty warm dragon.” Back in the kitchen, a timer went ‘ding’ and Twilight managed to force a smile onto her face. “There we go, all better.”

“Just five more minutes?” Spike’s voice had that whiny note that indicated his cold-blooded preference for thick blankets and warm fireplaces (in or in front of).

“Spike! Come out here! Mister...” Twilight Sparkle gave the stallion a look that spoke volumes about the health benefits of a proper introduction.

“Green Grass, ma’am. I’m the Unicorn Magic Youth Educational Specialist in the school district for this year. I’m sorry about the book too.”

“The book? Oh! Right. Hadn’t even thought about it.” She grabbed the book off the check-in desk and levitated it over in front of her. “Lots of books come back with a little damage. Even—” Twilight paused and glared at it with tension beginning to knot the muscles in the back of her neck again “—reference books. You know they’re not supposed to leave the library, right?”

The stallion drooped even more. “I’m sorry. Miss Dewey always let me check out whatever I needed for my projects, and I didn’t realize I still had it until I was at my next city. I was going to mail it back, but I got caught up in my thesis⁽²⁾ and forgot.”
(2) Technically ‘Surrounded by his thesis notes and horribly outnumbered’ would be more accurate.
—

“Well, it’s not too badly damaged. Just a few... bite marks? What, did you teethe with it? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, that was out of line. It’s just that these reference books are delicate and should be handled with respect—” Twilight frowned as she turned the book over “—not used to mop up coffee. No, I’m sorry again. Really, I’m out of line. Spike! Hurry up and get out here! Mr. Green Grass has something he wants to say to us.”

“I’m buffing my fins. Can it wait?”

“Heheh.” Twilight ground her teeth and tried to keep smiling. “You must have really loved this book, with as much wear and tear I mean as much as you must have read it over the last year. You could have just used a mending spell on it before bringing it by.”

Green Grass managed to get his mouth open to reply before Twilight interrupted with a sharp, “Oh, no! I’ve got it. No need to trouble yourself.” Her purple aura formed around the book as the mending spell took effect and the cover zapped back into near-original condition.

“There we go, one copy of Equestrian Modern Age - Volume 2: Histories, Mysteries and Conflicts, good as new. Well, slightly used.” Twilight managed an authentic smile as she flipped the book open and started to page through it. Books always relaxed her, even overdue reference books on history with tattered covers.

“You must really like Griffon history...” She trailed off as the sounds of Spike buffing his scales finished, and he trotted out into the main room.

He wrote in it. A reference book, from my library, and he wrote in it! She could hear somepony talking, but the pounding of her pulse in her ears made them sound distorted, like they were underwater in a storm. Oh, no! He didn’t just write in it, he SCRIBBLED in it! Whole sentences were marked out of the library book in heavy marker, with little loopy lines leading to paragraphs in the margins and tiny little notes including a very good drawing of a griffon diving down one edge of the paper. A whole chapter was marked up, no, DEFACED in that hideous fashion in an endless series of corrupted and marked pages. The knots in her neck seemed to hold her whole head rigid while she panted for breath.

Calm. Need to calm. Happy place. We don’t want what happened to Blueblood⁽³⁾ again. A faint haze of smoke seemed to be obscuring her vision as the ringing in her ears grew in volume to a roar. The faint green patch of Unmistakable Evil somewhere ahead of her shifted, but before she could blast it, her vision was suddenly drowned out in a blast of choking icy whiteness.
(3) An event triggered by an act of accidental vandalism by Prince Blueblood that resulted in a rewriting of Canterlot Royal Library checkout rules, substantial library fines, and a large remodeling project at the Blueblood family Canterlot estate.
—

Ch. 5 - Study Party

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Study Party

Thanks to his theatrical training, things looked like they were going pretty well. The librarian had accepted his apology, it sounded like she was going to forgive the damage he had done to the book, and the dragon Spike definitely had a nice, glossy glow to his scales as he trotted out of the kitchen. Still, there was something bothering him. The magic building under his hooves and across his chest was somewhat akin to standing next to an upcoming lightning strike or a young pupil undergoing a magic surge.

“Twilight Sparkle, before I leave for my appointment, I wanted you and your dragon to have this cake as a tangible representation of the sincerity of my apology.” He turned his head to pick the cake pan off his back with his teeth and stepped forward, waiting for Twilight to pick it up with her magic. And waited.

Hm. She didn’t even move. Something interesting must be in that book — Oh! She must be looking at Chapter Twelve. Oops.

“Heheh.” he muttered through a mouthful of cake pan. “About my notes. I’d be more than happy to buy the library a new copy when the third edition is relea—”

The pitter-patter of fast moving dragon had not quite been loud enough to get Green Grass’ attention as Spike dashed back into the kitchen, but the librarian’s sudden surge in magical power seemed to nail his hooves to the library floor while the cake dropped from his mouth, forgotten in his fascination.

She was beautiful. Radiant power filled Twilight Sparkle’s entire being to overflowing, from her stark white eyes to a smoldering mane that flowed in a nonexistent breeze with little sparks of fire at the tips of each hair. A crackle of ozone filled the library with a tang that seemed to catch on the back of the tongue and tingle along his spine, holding every hair on his coat on end. Even though he was just moments from death, Green Grass could not help but stare and marvel at the power of the cosmos, ready to be unleashed. On him.

“Mister!” yelled the little purple dragon, holding a cylinder nearly as large as himself. “When I hose her down, you run. Do you understand?”

“Huh?” Green Grass shook himself out of his self-destructive reverie and looked at Spike, who was holding a huge fire extinguisher. “Oh. What?”

“RUN!” The little dragon yanked the trigger, sending a blast of liquid carbon dioxide over the glowing unicorn. The rapidly receding clatter of running hooves quickly became drowned out by multiple blasts of freezing vapor as Spike tried to cool down his angry roommate with the kitchen fire extinguisher.

“Spike! — Ack! — Spike! Quit it! All right! I’m calm! I SAID I’M CALM!” cough “Okay, now I’m calm. I swear, I’ll ground you! Stop it right now!”

The little dragon paused in his frigid assault for a moment and broke out laughing. “Oh, Twilight! You look like a snowpony!” The CO2 had frosted every hair on her body, making her look like some strange white-haired arctic beast, complete with deadly gaze and bared teeth.

“Spike! You know you’re not supposed to use that on anypony unless they’re on fire.” All the windows in the library popped open at once as a magic-driven rush of air blasted through, clearing the library of dangerous levels of carbon dioxide extinguisher reside at the cost of only a little rain dripping back in. With a second flash from her horn, the frost vanished from her coat, turning her back to purple, although still angry.

“Sorry, Twilight,” he replied, pointedly ignoring the charred hoofprints on the library floor. “You know how you get when you skip meals. Like breakfast this morning. And dinner last night. I bet a piece of cake would cheer you right up.”

“Well, I suppose.” Twilight glared at the cake as a proxy for the escaped green tutor. Burning that much energy was exhausting even normally, after a whole night in the lab and skipping meals... Yeah, Spike was right. A slice of cake would help. Cake was cake, even from an annoying vandal.

The little dragon handled the details, getting the cake slicer and plates and utensils, and cutting it into nice, square chunks. He gave a deep sniff after dishing up two pieces, and sighed. “Ah, Pinkie’s half-and-half specials, banana and marble chip. Wait just a minute. I’ll get us some juice.”

Twilight levitated over one of the slices of cake and morosely poked it with her fork. Even if the vandal had scribbled in the book, that was no excuse for what she did. Princess Celestia was going to be terribly upset at her for losing her temper again. She would give her The Look, with just slightly narrowed eyes and the smallest pout of her bottom lip, maybe even with that infinitesimal shaking of the head she would do when her favorite student had done something spectacularly bad. Maybe even a sigh. That was always the worst. Thousands of years of experience had been spent in developing that sigh into a weapon that could have sent entire armies home in disgrace, horribly worried that they had somehow caused their Princess some form of distress.

With the fork firmly grasped in her magic, Twilight scooped up a large bite of cake with determination. “I can fix this and turn it into a Friendship Report! I’m going to go apologize to him, right after we eat.”

The horrible crunching noise that echoed through the library when she bit down caused Spike to hurry back around the corner, still carrying his pitcher of juice as he looked at Twilight clutching her jaw in restrained agony.

“Twilight? Are you all right?”

“Stpiketh. Could thyou go over to Minnuetteth and thsee if shee can thsqueesth in a denthts visit this afterntoonth? I thphink I broke a thothph.”

* * *

To say Twilight was in a ‘mood’ was a horrid injustice to the poor word. Four letters cannot possibly encompass sleep-deprived, frustrated, hungry, damp, chilly, teeth that still ached from the dentist’s spell and a neck that seemed to be all knots and tension clear down to her tail. Embarrassed and mortified would have to fit in there somewhere, and still leave enough space for Princess Celestia’s sigh. It called for a much larger word. Or many such, bound together with covers and glue.

Fortunately, she lived in the middle of just such a medicinal treatment for her ‘mood.’ Unfortunately, she had read most of them already, or at least the more interesting ones.

First things first. Checklist!
☑ - Create checklist
☐ - Apologize to the jerk.
☐ - Apology dinner with Spike.
☐ - Visit the Spa for a massage.
☐ - (optional) Memory spell to erase today.
☐ - Read self to sleep.

* * *

“Well, that was a bust,” Twilight muttered, standing outside of the jerk’s empty wagon, unable to get even to the second box on her checklist due to a lack of Green Grass. Wherever he was, he had even parked his wagon in a jerky fashion, right on top of the tulip bulbs Mr. Greenhooves had spent so much time last week planting. All he needed was a stage, and he... oh. She took a step back and mentally imagined the wagon with a built-in stage, and the vandal’s hat and cloak in a different color, with stars.

“So that’s why this felt so familiar. He’s like the pesky brother the Great and Annoying Trixie never had. On some level, I associated him with her and took an instant dislike to the vandal. Saved a great deal of time too.”

The wooden sides of the wagon felt cool against her forehead as she leaned against it, trying not to beat her head against the wall in frustration. “Don’t judge a book by its cover doesn’t just apply to books, Twilight. You need to start appreciating ponies for what’s inside, not outside. Why does the Princess have to be right all the time, even when I’m here?”

There was just the faintest of ticking sounds coming from the inside of the wagon, and her ears twitched in response. “I suppose opening the book up to take a peek might help.” She tried the back door, which opened at her magical touch. “Hello? Are you in here Mr. Grass?”

Argh! The Princess was right again. I never would have thought his wagon would look this way inside.

Twilight Sparkle was used to living in a library, but the tutor looked like he lived between the well-used pages of a dentist’s office magazine. Densely packed shelves to each side of the wagon were packed nearly full of books, each shelf held closed by a clever locking bracket of earth pony design so the books would not spill onto the floor while the wagon was moving. That did not seem to have stopped a few dozen books from being scattered across the combination floor/mattress/rug in a fairly thick layer that prevented anypony from even setting one hoof in the room without treading on a book. Or three. Scattered across the top, bottom and between the open books in drifts much like snow were hundreds of pieces of paper, ranging from little scraps that could barely hold a word to full sized sheets packed with writing.

“Well! I suppose part of my apology could be cleaning up this mess. I’ve heard of bachelor living before, but this is ridiculous.” A burst of purple lit her horn as she lifted the entire mess in one lump, sending it whirling around the room as she popped books back into their proper place.

“Griffon Physiology and Psychological Profiling goes here, History of Modern Wingblade Duels goes on this shelf,” she mumbled to herself as the books weaved and dodged, the paper scraps gathered themselves together by size and vanished into desk drawers, and a few dried-out scraps of food and dirt were tossed out the door behind her. She even used a quick spell to polish the fire bucket, which had been refilled with clean water for future use and tucked away behind the door.

“A fluffing spell for the mattress, cleaning spell for the clock and window and done! There, much better.” Twilight looked around the tiny room, expecting at any moment for the green stallion to show up and provide a compliment for her hard work. She glanced at the clock and sighed at how little time had gone by. It was less than an hour until sunset; he should be slinking back by then. All the books had fit snugly back into their shelves except one fairly chunky volume that still hovered at her side.

“Like a tortoise, he carries his house upon his back. I don’t think Tank has a library in his shell. Don Rocinante probably wouldn’t fit anyway.”

An almost irresistible urge came over her to check the back of the book for a library card just in case he had stolen the book from some other unfortunate library. She wrestled with the idea for a moment before surrendering to the inevitable.

Just to prove his innocence of the charge.

“Property of Baron Chrysanthemum?” she muttered. The tutor was inconsiderate, impulsive, a vandal and a jerk, but he did not look like somepony who would steal from a private library. She checked several more books, carefully putting them back on the shelves afterwards, but they all carried the same tidy little gold-foil seal with the baron’s coat of arms inside their covers. “It could be a forgery, I suppose. Hm…”

She located a copy of Twerp’s Peerage in the tiny library’s reference section and flipped through it diligently. “Duke… Prince… Baron Frazzleberry... Baron Chrysanthemum, there we go. Married, five children—” Her hoof paused on its trip down the page in search of a coat of arms, returning back up to where the children were listed. “Green Grass. Special talent: Teaching unicorn magic. Status: Single. Ick!” Slamming the book closed, she shoved it back onto the shelves.

When Twilight Sparkle was younger, there had been more than one young noble unicorn colt who had been supposedly quite interested in being ‘tutored’ by the Princess’ private student, when in actuality they had very different goals in mind. Her youthful experiences had been educational, true, but even restricting study-buddies to only fillies had not been wholly successful in preventing that sort of imposition. Everypony in Canterlot had just seemed to want something from her, either physically or socially, and by the time the Princess had sent her to Ponyville, her social circle had shrunk to the only two beings who really cared about her. One had just hosed her down with a fire extinguisher, and the other had just ‘coincidentally’ sent a young noble colt to town. Well, one of those two was getting a stern note, and the other was going into time out, she just was not quite certain which one was going to be which.

For a moment, she considered going back into the library while leaving a trapspell to notify her when the tutor returned from wherever tutors went when they were not tutoring. Don Rocinante finally convinced her otherwise, seducing her with pristine pages and alluring stories telling of an old pony and his faithful servant as they traveled the countryside to bring justice to the oppressed, triumphing over dragon and giant alike. After only a token resistance, she surrendered herself to the faithful touch of her childhood friend and allowed it to carry her away into a world of delusion and fantasy while settling down on the clean floor of the wagon with a happy smile. Maybe today was not so bad after all.

* * *

As he fled from his certain librarian-induced doom, the part of Green Grass’ mind that controlled his hooves was working just fine, even if the rest of it was overloaded with thoughts like ‘fry me like an egg’ and ‘hate to see what an overdue book fine costs.’ By the time he had all of his few remaining wits gathered up, he had nearly traveled all the way across town, and it took a long, wet slog through the cold rain to get back to Berry’s bar, where he was supposed to meet the rest of his school planning group.

“Hey lovercolt!” called a plum-colored mare from behind the bar with a friendly wave as he hung up his hat and cloak to drip. Berry Punch grinned at his embarrassed blush as she started to pull chairs down from the tables in preparation for the night’s patrons. Berry’s bar had more grown than been built, starting when the young mare had invited friends⁽*⁾ to taste her delicious homebrewed beer, and slowly expanding to take over the entirety of her basement as her paying friends grew in number. “I hear you met our town’s resident dragon.”
(*) ‘Friends’ being defined as ‘Somepony who will drink with you, preferably with their own money.’
—

“Yeah, and Spike too,” grumbled Green Grass. “Do you have anything to take the taste of shame and humiliation out of my mouth?”

“A little early to start, isn’t it? Anything to do with our town’s lovely little librarian? I hear you left her all hot, wet and bothered this morning.”

Technically true on two out of three points. Twice. “Just a beer, please. Whatever you have.”

“Coming up. Two bits, please. Thank you.” An unlabeled brown bottle soon sat innocently on the table in front of him, covered in frozen perspiration and unaware of the fate that was soon to overwhelm it, as well as many of its close friends and relatives.

He looked at the ‘beer’ skeptically, and turned it in his hooves for closer inspection. “There are no nursing mothers or small infants in the house, right? So I don’t have to worry about this being full of formula or... something else?”

The puzzled look from Berry turned into an explanation of his day, which he then had to go back and repeat when the local school teacher, Cheerilee, showed up for their teacher’s meeting, and then go back yet again when Superintendent Masters arrived to make the meeting complete. Repetition seemed to take the edge off of his embarrassment, and hearing some of the stories told by the locals about Twilight Sparkle and her antics made what he went through sound fairly normal, if only by comparison. Once the local subject matter was exhausted, the entertainment part of the conversation turned to college hijinks and school board meetings (which were more interesting than they sounded), interspersed with little stories about the little tots who Green Grass was going to be tutoring in off-hours for the next two⁽¹⁾ months.
(1) Provided he lived that long.
—

It felt good for Green Grass to be back with so many earth ponies. Every time he went to Canterlot between tutoring sessions, he entered the city with mixed emotions that had everything and nothing to do with his parents and their plans for his future. Here in the bar with his hat and cloak hung up by the door, he could be accepted for what he was. Whatever that was. Unlike the bars in Canterlot, there were no games of ‘Snub the other Nobles’; just Berry’s ‘Worst Beer in Equestria’ contest⁽²⁾, the ‘Can you even hit the dartboard after that many beers’ puzzle, or the never-ending ‘There I was...’ storytelling competition. As tempting as it was to switch to higher-concentration, memory destroying drinks after the events of the day, he stayed with beer, and the various permutations of beer that gravitated to Berry’s cooler as if it were downhill from a brewery.
(2) Currently holding the record was ‘Griffon Teaflower Ale’ whose only positive attribute recorded was ‘wet.’
—

The school superintendent was first to leave their little planning meeting, going home to a wife and three children. Cheerilee had school the next morning, so she soon followed. As Green Grass delayed his departure into the night, he even found himself tending bar for a while when Berry had to go upstairs to put her little sisters to bed. When the last customer had gone out the door, he helped put the chairs up and sweep, much as he had done during college (to his parents’ outrage and shame), and soon found himself tracing an unsteady path back through the dark streets, headed for the giant tree library that loomed up as a silhouette against the starry sky.

The beer sloshing around his belly helped hide the pain in his hooves and knee from his trip, as well as to muffle the chilly fall breeze that ruffled his now-dry cloak while he plodded wearily back to his trailer and lumpy bed. It was a good thing he had used the bathroom in the bar before setting out. Most likely the psychopath in the library would turn him into a newt if he were to slip in to use the facilities as Miss Dewey had permitted.

Well, I suppose ‘slept like an anvil’ and ‘half-deaf’ was nearly as good as ‘permitted.’

Tomorrow he would move his trailer to someplace more hospitable in the community, as far away from the squirrelly nut in the oak tree as possible. There were no lights still on in the library to indicate an ambush, so it was easy to slip into his own dark home-away-from-home, curl up on the lumpy mattress and pull his⁽³⁾ warm blanket up for a well-deserved peaceful night’s rest.
(3) suspiciously
—

Ch. 6 - I Couldn't Sleep At All Last Night

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
I Couldn’t Sleep At All Last Night

The one thing Green Grass really missed since he had begun living in a trailer was thick walls. Early morning songbirds, although sweet to tweet, made hangovers a real issue.

He opened one eye laboriously and regarded the small window at the top of the trailer with loathing. A beam of iridescent sunlight burst through it, reflecting off a beautiful crystal mobile a former student had given him to spray the inside of his bedroom/library/living room/den/dining room with beautiful multi-colored spots as an invitation to wake up and greet the day. Instead, he pulled his hat lower over his eyes and snuggled deeper into his warm, purple blanket.

Nothing scheduled today, so no reason to get up until noon. Afternoon, tops.

Scheduling: Noon Afternoon, meet Pinkie Pie. Schedule party and magical evaluation for the students after school. Mooch lunch.
Evening: Sit down with Cheerilee and work out her schedule for the next few weeks. Mooch dinner.
Next day: Meet with first Concerned Parent over breakfast. Discuss child. Repeat for next two months. Lots to do. Get up.

Darned thoughts. Can’t go back to sleep. Don’t want to get up. Cold out there. Stay in bed.

Get up. Purchase warm coat. New rug to keep wet hooves out of trailer and mud off thesis. Make lesson plans. Things to do. Responsibilities. Up.

No. Go back to sleep. Stop thinking. Responsibility bad. Brain hurt. Stay in bed with warm blanket.

He snuggled deeper into his bed under the warm, purple blanket and tried to identify the birds outside his trailer by their calls so he could go back to sleep.

Blue Jay. Cardinal. Sparrow. Wren. Hm. That was too loud to be a bee. Too low too. Nothing quite buzzes like that. Buzz. Stop. Buzz. Stop. Sounds almost like snoring.

Outside he could hear the sound of the library door opening, and the child-like call of the baby dragon. “Twilight! Are you out here? Breakfast is ready!”

Sounds like the librarian is out of the library. Could be an opportunity to talk to the little dragon while the big dragon is away. He sounded like a nice little guy, even saved my life. Should at least say thanks. Hm. Best put in the form of a test question.

Question: What am I going to do this morning?
1) Stay in bed with my warm, purple blanket.
2) Go have breakfast and meet the dragon in a much more congenial fashion.

Answer: Since when do I have a purple blanket?

Both of his eyes popped back open in a panic while he held himself motionless, as if he had fallen into a cave filled with poisonous snakes. With unicorn horns. It only took the smallest of motions to gently push his hat back on his head and look up. During the brief moment between the hat moving and his eyes snapping shut with a bolt of hangover-driven pain at the sunlight, he caught the glimpse of a purple hoof and the very tip of a purple nose, somewhere around the vicinity of one shoulder. It fit with the weight distribution of a heavy, warm, and entirely too dangerous body draped across his back, as well as the slightly damp sensation high on his shoulder blade where a tiny puddle of drool seemed to be forming.

Okay, first don’t panic. They can sense fear. Oh, wait. That’s predators.

She’s a mare, that’s close enough. If you jump up and start running, you should be able to escape.

She’s the Element of Magic, stupid brain. She can hit you at the horizon.

Ever so carefully as not to disturb the already-disturbed magical powerhouse, he opened one eye. After all, Cloud Kicker was just about the same shade of purple, and just as warm. The sight of Twilight’s horn dashed his hopes solidly. He quickly closed that eye. Looking at her horn at that range felt like looking down the end of a large cannon, and smelling something burning.

Maybe if I chewed off one leg, I could get away?

No, I’d just be limping and she could follow the blood trail to finish me off. Besides, she’s sitting pretty solidly on top, I might have to chew off two legs.

I could just wake her up and ask her to leave my wagon. What’s the worst that could happen?

* * *

The gloomy clouds over Canterlot would have brought the sunlight level in the Royal Throne Room to a chilly low if not for the brilliant shining light coming from a furious Princess Celestia, sitting regally in the Dais of Judgement with Twilight Sparkle bawling at her side.

“H-h-he had m-me in h-h-his b-bed, Princess. And t-then h-h-he—”

“There, there now, my faithful student. Your brother, Captain Shining Armor, has captured the evil miscreant,” said Princess Celestia with a gentle caress of her innocent and pure student’s mane. “Bring forth the prisoner so that he may be judged for this heinous crime!”

A mass of intertwined chains and locks was shoved forward through the Throne Room main doors, so wrapped around the green tutor that only tiny flecks of his coat showed, and those were speckled red with the blood of countless beatings. Slowly the battered pony limped to the front of the dais where he collapsed with a clatter, sobbing, “Spare me, oh—”

“Silence!” bellowed Captain Shining Armor, snapping a whip that passed magically through the chains to lay open yet another stripe on the prisoner.

“The prisoner may speak in his own defense,” commanded Princess Celestia with a regal wave.

“Speak!” bellowed Captain Shining Armor, snapping a whip that passed magically through the chains to lay open yet another stripe on the prisoner.

“I-I only—”

“I think we have heard enough from this obviously guilty criminal,” declared the Princess with yet another caress of her student, who leaned into the Royal Hoof like a dog being scratched. “I am prepared to sentence the prisoner now.”

The shadows parted in a corner of the throne room and Princess Luna stepped out. “I HAVE PREPARED THE PRISON ON THE MOON WITH FRESH SHEETS AND DRY BREAD AS YOU REQUESTED, MY SISTER.”

“We do not think your preparations will be required, my sister,” declared Princess Celestia. “I have a much better plan in mind for the foul wretch. I hereby sentence you to—” Celestia paused, her mane blowing behind her as Twilight looked up at her teacher with a blissful smile “—life imprisonment with your parents!”

At that, the entire court broke out into peals of cackling laughter as thunder and lightning flashed outside the Royal Throne Room windows.

* * *

“No,” gasped Green Grass in horror, freezing as his warm purple ‘blanket’ shifted in position. She prodded his shoulder with cold hooves and muttered, “Gosh, Princess. Yer comfy,” before slipping back into a light doze, complete with light snore.

Wait a minute. Maybe I’m getting this all wrong.

This was not exactly the first time Green Grass had a night of drinking and late-night returning that resulted in waking up with a young mare with no memory of having brought her to bed. And after only ~~four five six~~ seven beers. It was his first night to have that young mare turn out to be the young and special student of the Princess of Equestria. Something was certainly wrong.

Very carefully, as not to disturb their present inactive and not horribly painful state, Green Grass began to run back through his memories of the previous night, searching for meaning in what was left of his short life.

☑ - Went to Berry’s bar
☑ -Teacher’s meeting
☑ - Rest of evening, no sign of Twilight Sparkle
☑ - Close bar, no sign of Twilight Sparkle
☑ - Return to trailer, no sign of Twilight Sparkle
☐ - Curl up in bed, no sign of Twilight Sparkle - Bed suspiciously warm.

Conclusion: She was here, waiting on my return. In my bed.

All through school, there had been a number of highly inappropriate rumors about Princess Celestia, the powerful Princess of the Sun, and just exactly why she had so many strong, healthy, virile stallions surrounding her every hour of the day. And night. The Princess’ bedroom window could be seen from several parts of the school, and there were many times where the light would stay on quite late into the night⁽*⁾. The rumors had not really touched upon the Princess’ private student, because even the most scurrilous rumor should at least have a tiny slice of fact at its core, and anypony who had ever seen or talked to the reclusive unicorn was quite adamant about her ability to wear white at her wedding, however many decades in the future that might have been. But what if all the rumors about Twilight were… wrong? After all, she did sneak into his bed and stayed wrapped around him all night.
(*) Late night reading sessions. Mostly Daring Do. Honest.
—

He had his own bitterly hard-learned lessons about how difficult it was to keep a good reputation. Even while teaching the most talented young student, he had to take great pains to keep another adult in the room to prevent even the smallest of rumors from spreading. Tutoring foals was such a fragile career, because one single unsubstantiated claim of filly-fooling and he would be an unhireable pariah in the teaching community. And since his special talent was teaching foals, he would basically be forced to return to his parents’ house, a fate far worse than death.

Perhaps the Student of the Sun was just as sensitive to rumor and scandal as himself? If so, it would be a criminal shame if he were to run screaming from her embrace. Warm embrace, that is. She was exiled to Ponyville after all. Perhaps her behavior was too scandalous for the Court, and the Princess had carefully placed her in a small town away from temptation. Like some fairy-tale princess imprisoned in a tall tower⁽¹⁾, waiting for a prince to come sweeping in and bear her away to his estate, where he would whisper sweet nothings in her ear, and they would be swept away on the wings of passi—
(1) Silly fairy tales. A Princess would just fly away.
—

Hold on there lovercolt. Cold water. Cold water. Think of the last wife Mom and Dad were trying to set me up with. Ick! No, go back to cold water.

He quickly quashed that thought before anything embarrassing would start stirring beneath the sheets and tried to get his mind in order. If she had come to his bed in search of a lover... he could do that. After all, she was quite pretty, in a burn-you-to-a-crisp-and-sweep-away-the-ashes kind of way and turning her down for a night, well, an early-morning-before-breakfast of passion might be hazardous. If she was looking for something more than a few hours of passion... Well, better to run across that bridge screaming when it happened. It took only a quick licking of the lips, a quick attempt to run his tongue around inside his mouth to cut down the worst of morning breath, and a practice smile before he was ready. As her breathing began to speed up and her eyelids fluttered open, Green Grass put on the most polite smile he could manage and looked straight into her beautiful purple eyes.

“Hi.”

Ch. 7 - Wake-Up Call

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Wake-Up Call

Twilight Sparkle stood proudly on the grassy knoll, looking down upon the hideous giant who blocked the path to the fair maiden with a whirling blade in each of his hooves. The sight of the proud purple knight caused the foul moss-covered beast to cringe, lifting its blunt snout to the sky and blasting out a beery-smelling roar in her direction which carpeted the ground in a swirling miasma and turned the grass black with rot. A deep growl sounded within its cavernous chest as it bared yellow teeth in her direction and glared with piercing blue⁽*⁾ eyes.
(*) Twilight not only dreamed in color, but with exacting detail as to which hue and tint was correct for the subject.
—

She raised her lance and prepared to charge with a shout. “Come, my trusted companion. We shall defeat this beast for the fair Dulcelestia del Solara. Pancho, strike up a tune on your lute while I vanquish the beast in her most glorious name, so that even the angels shall know of her beauty in song!”

Instead of martial music which would stir her soul to righteous heights for her eternal quest, she heard her trusted companion call out faintly, “Twilight! Breakfast is ready!”

As the words echoed around the grassy glade where the giant had made his lair, the foul visage of the beast shimmered before her gaze and began to fade away into green smoke. Desperately she drove onward as foul magics stole the monster away before she could put in a finishing blow.

"Stand, coward!" she cried. "Stand your ground! Do not fly from a single knight who dares to meet you in a fair fight. How will the fair Dulcelestia know of my love if I cannot vanquish even one giant in her name?”

She leaned forward into her gallop, but just as she was about to reach the giant, the faint vaporous wisps suddenly coalesced into the smiling face of the stallion she least wanted to see at the very end of her nose.

“Hi.”

The piercing shriek that Twilight uttered as she recoiled backwards in panic was muffled somewhat as she slammed back-first into a bookshelf, tripped, and fell forward into almost exactly the same spot she had just left, only slightly farther forward.

“Ow!” snapped the green stallion as he grabbed for his mashed nose.

“Ouch!” yelled Twilight in response, clutching her own nose as she rolled off the mattress and into another rather hard and unyielding bookshelf. “Ow! You bopped my nose?”

“You know if you two wanted someplace to kiss, you could have just sent me over to Rarity’s, right?” Both of them looked over at the little dragon, standing at the open back door to the wagon with a look of mild disgust.

“Wejustbumpednoses,” squeaked Twilight, backing up flat against the bookshelf in a futile attempt to hide from Spike in the cramped quarters of the wagon.

“Well, it must have been one heck of an apology for you to be out here all night,” groused the dragon as he turned away. “Breakfast is getting cold. If you’re done sleeping with your coltfriend, come on in and I’ll warm it up for you two.”

“We were not sleeping together!” hissed Twilight at the departing dragon while clutching the bedsheet to her chest. “We were just… I was just… He was…” She whipped around to glare at Green Grass. “You tell him!”

The green pony was not looking at her, but instead was staring in stark disbelief at the clean floor of his wagon. “It’s... gone.”

“Yes, I know,” she hissed. “I cleaned your stupid wagon. But I need you to go tell Spike we weren’t sleeping together! He’s just a baby—”

“You cleaned it?!” snarled Green Grass. “Six months worth of painstaking cross-referencing between seventeen different history books and thirty-seven diaries about the battle and you cleaned it!”

“What battle?” she snapped back. “The battle against clutter? Because you lost that one, buster! You couldn't even step in this room without stomping on a book or paper! I did you a favor, and you’re going to yell at me for it?”

“A favor?! Is that what you call ruining my entire Master’s thesis? That stupid library book was so wrong in all of its facts and dates that I had it approved as my thesis project! I wouldn’t expect the Princess’ perfect pet to understand—”

“PET?! WHY YOU INSOLENT, ARROGANT LITTLE—”

The icy bucket of water that splashed forcefully into her face caught her with an open mouth, extinguishing the faint buzzing that had grown in Twilight’s ears even as she coughed and spluttered in the middle of a growing puddle on the wagon’s clean floorboards. Cheeks reddening in embarrassment, she tried to regain enough composure to respond, but before she could even finish coughing, Green Grass put the remainder of the half-full bucket on the floor and pointed to the back door.

“Out!”

“But—”

“Get out!”

“I just—”

“Out of my wagon! Out! Out! I still have water left, you know.”

“But don’t you want—”

“No! Out!”

With ears drooping and head hung low, Twilight plodded out of the wagon, turning around at the bottom of the ramp to give a well thought-out response to the annoying stallion, only to have the door slammed in her face.

“Well, if that’s the way you feel about it, I’m not going to apologize,” she growled. “In fact, you can keep your stupid messy wagon.” She glanced around, moved close to the door, and spoke in a whisper. “Can I borrow your copy of Don Rocinante please?”

“No!” The tutor’s voice was muffled as if he were mopping up a puddle.

“Oh!” Twilight screwed her face up in concentration and tried not to get angry again. “Please?” she whispered at the door. “The library doesn’t have a copy.”

“No. It’s mine. I brought it to read as a reward when my Master’s thesis was done. Now it’s going to be another six months. Thanks to you!”

“Harrumph.” She lowered her voice and whispered at the door again. “I’m sorry about what happened. Does that help?” The door popped open momentarily, and a soggy towel dropped in front of her throbbing nose to dry on the sunny ramp.

“No!” The door closed.

“Well!” Twilight stomped one hoof on the soggy ground and swished her tail in aggravation. “I’m not finished! Please?”

“No.”

“It’s too long for just one night,” she whined. “I thought I could have it for just a couple more nights, and then it’s all yours again for whatever you want. Please?”

“No.”

“But I really like it.”

“No.”

“I really, really like it. I want it. Can’t I have it for just a little while longer?”

Although Twilight could hear no response from inside the wagon, behind her was a veritable wave of childlike twittering giggles. She turned slowly around to see a stunned Cheerilee standing on the library path with her students, all standing behind her like baby ducks behind their mother. Or more like really attentive baby ducks with really good hearing and a horrible case of the giggles. She was abruptly aware of her damp, bed-knotted mane and the sight she must pose having just emerged from the young tutor’s wagon, making her cheeks burn bright crimson with embarrassment.

It took a few moments of just looking at each other before Twilight Sparkle broke the giggle-filled silence with, “Hello, Miss Cheerilee. Class.” Twilight swallowed. “Nice morning for a walk. Are you coming to the library?”

Only years of teaching experience and the presence of her students allowed Cheerilee to keep a straight face while responding. “Yes, I was taking the children on a field trip this morning. I thought it would be educational.” She shook her head and lowered her voice. “I had no idea.”

“W-well,” started Twilight hesitantly. “I’ll just go make sure Spike has the place cleaned up for business this morning. Cleaned up. Yes, that’s it. I’ll just—” There was a sharp ‘pop’ and the purple librarian vanished in a teleport spell, taking along a great deal of nervous tension in the area.

“Miss Cheerilee,” asked Diamond Tiara with an ill-concealed smirk. “What was Miss Twilight doing in the tutor’s wagon?”

“Studying,” replied Cheerilee firmly and without hesitation. “No doubt the new tutor was taking advantage... I mean using Twilight’s knowledge of... I mean... After we go to the library and everypony checks out a book for this afternoon’s reading, why don’t we go by Sugarcube Corner and get everybody a muffin. I mean a cupcake. My treat.”

“Yea!” The horde of tiny tots swept into the library with a cheer and fanned out in their search for reading material as Cheerilee spared a glance at the tutor’s wagon home, not certain if she should be warning him, or congratulating him on whatever had transpired there last night.

Ch. 8 - And They Went Forth To Be Enrolled

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
And They Went Forth To Be Enrolled

“Pinkie,” sighed Green Grass. “I told you, I don’t need a giant party for every foal in school, just the six little unicorns that I’ll be teaching. Something to keep the rest of them distracted while I talk with each student, one at a time. Once I get an idea of just how far their talent has developed, I’ll know where to start tutoring with them next week.”

The two of them were working out the details of the evaluation party as they sat in the Sugarcube Corner business office, which also now doubled as a daycare and nursery for the Cake’s twins: Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake. Presently the two adorable little tykes were both tucked away in their cribs, but Pinkie assured him they were normally quite active during the day, and that Pumpkin Cake was going to be a super-duper terrifically strong unicorn filly just like Twilight Sparkle when she grew up. He had made up his mind at that point to see if another tutor circuit would open up by then, and transfer.

“But won’t their non-unicorn friends be sad if they can’t come to the party?” Pinkie turned her big blue eyes on the hapless stallion and stuck out her bottom lip. From then on, the tutor was fighting a losing battle that eventually resulted in a party purchase for sixteen foals instead of his expected six, plus treats and party favors and ‘incidentals.’ Once all the details had been recorded in Pinkie’s Party Planner (in pink icing, of course), and Green Grass hoofed over the bits for the party in advance, he still had a few minutes to spare before heading out to notify the parents of his pupils, and then to Cheerilee’s house to go over student records.

“Pinkie,” he asked absentmindedly. “Is Twilight crazy?” The moment the words left his mouth, he winced. Then again, if anypony in Ponyville knew crazy, it was Pinkie Pie.

“Yep!” she chirped, picking up a frosting tube and began dotting cupcakes with pink sugar flowers. “She’s crazy smart, and crazy fun, and crazy strong, and crazy smart—”

“You said crazy smart already.”

“She’s double-crazy smart! So do you liiiiiiiiikkkeeeee her?” The pink party pony leaned over backwards and fluttered her eyelashes at Green Grass while not missing frosting a single cupcake. “I saw her leave your wagon this morning after it was all like shakie-shakie and then she came out soggie-woggie with her mane all tangled up and then after you pulled your wagon over by Berry’s Bar she went out on her balcony and looked out where you were parked and nodded her head. And I got a double-hoof itch, tail twitch, nose wrinkle that said you two were kissing in your wagon. Or I had rutabagas for lunch.”

The blush that crept up Green Grass’ face had almost extended to his ears as he turned and studied the pink paint⁽*⁾ on the far wall. “It’s not like that,” he said weakly. “She... Well, I... We... We got off on the wrong hooves. About six of them. You’re not going to tell anypony about this, are you?”
(*) It used to be orange
—

“Noperooni!” Pinkie Pie drew one hoof across her lips and then proceeded to go through what appeared to be limb-waving convulsions possibly involving burying a key while burning the map of where the key was buried, until she picked the frosting back up and went back to decorating cupcakes with a “—so there.”

Smile. Nod. Accept it. Keep what tiny shattered fragments of your sanity remain intact.

“Ahem. Anyway, I kind of hit her and Spike in the face with a bucket of water when we first met, and then when I went back to apologize, I seem to have set her off because I wrote in a library book—” Pinkie gasped, and looked him over, seemingly checking for missing limbs “—and then when I came back to my wagon that night...” He trailed off with a guilty look and fidgeted.

Pinkie hopped up and down with excitement. “Did the two of you cling desperately to each other in the embrace of roaring passions, knowingly exalting in each other’s fervent touch and sharing a moment of unspeakable joy that will result in a beautiful foal being born in eleven months who will determine the very fate of Equestria and the whole multiverse?”

“What? No! All we did was sleep. I didn’t even know she was in the wagon until morning.”

“Darn. I’ve got fifty bits on ‘Avocado’ in the betting⁽¹⁾ pool.”
(1) The only available slots left in the pool are Fuchsia and Mauve. Contact Rainbow Dash.
—

“What?”

“Nevermind. What’s important right now is that you go right over to her and apologize. I’ll give you a cake, you can get flowers over at Roseluck’s and candy at Bon Bon’s. Hurry!” Pinkie pushed him towards the door with a decorated ‘I’m sorry for being a jerk’ cake on his back while shouting, “I’ll get the mariachi band and the soloist and meet you at the library! Hurry! They charge double after five!” She shoved the protesting avocado-colored stallion out the front door of the bakery and leaned against it, panting.

“It’s a good thing Twilight has such good friends like us.”

* * *

There was a gentle tinkle of bells above the door as he entered Roseluck’s flower shop and took a deep breath. The Chrysanthemum family greenhouse in Canterlot grew dozens of flower varieties just to satisfy the insatiable appetite of the vases among tables and hallways of the Barony, but there just was nothing like an earth pony flower shop to tantalize the nose. He closed his eyes and took a second deep breath, reveling in the delicate scents: three different varieties of roses, some hollyhocks, daisy, and a soft mix of herbal essences he had smelled before, but could not remember where.

Lilac. Hints of raspberry. Just a touch of mango. Orange as a base.

He let all of his breath out, and then leaned into a long sniff.

“Like it? My herbal essence shampoo is a big seller.” He opened his eyes to see nothing but Roseluck’s rose-colored mane with a giggling tan face that only showed when she backed up a step. On the side of the shop wall was a collection of bottles in nearly every shade of the rainbow with colorful labels and pictures of blooming flowers. He had never really been a connoisseur of mane-care products, as long as it said ‘shampoo’ somewhere on the bottle and didn’t turn his dusky mane strange colors.

“Your marefriend is a big fan of my favorite, Gentle Lilac Breeze With Conditioner. It makes your mane flow in the wind just like the Princess and really attracts stallions. But you already know that, don’t you?” She fluttered her eyelashes at him and giggled. “I see you already have a cake. Are you here for some flowers for your second date too? I’ve got a dozen yellow roses set back for you. They’re her favorite.”

“Date?” His voice squeaked for a moment while he tried to regain his composure, shifting the forgotten apology cake on his back. “Oh, no. Not a date. I wanted to tell you that I’ve scheduled an evaluation session at Sugarcube Corner tomorrow afternoon for all of my students this year. Pinkie Pie has a party set up, and little Berry Pinch can invite one or two friends. I’ll just need to talk with you and your daughter during the party for a few minutes with Cheerilee and Superintendent Masters so we can see how she is progressing on the course of study my predecessor, Miss Primrose, assigned. Is that acceptable?”

The lines of his short speech had been getting easier to say as he visited each of the parents; this was his fifth student with only one more to go. Despite Roseluck being an earth pony with a unicorn foal, she and Berry Pinch had been easy to work with. Generally it was more difficult to deal with unicorn foals who had non-unicorn parents, a problem he was fully conversant with in the inverse, but every time he had mentioned Ditzy’s child, everypony he talked to backed up a step to get out of the blast range. Roseluck was much more focused on her own job, trying to press the roses on him for ‘his sweet marefriend’ until he finally gave up and bought them just so he could leave the shop.

Once out on the street again, he felt overjoyed at not having to track down the last parent he needed to contact; instead she was flapping her way in his direction like her tail was on fire.⁽²⁾
(2) Not an infrequent occurrence.
—

“Mr. Green Grass! Mr. Green Grass,” Ditzy Doo called while zig-zagging through the sky. “Pinkie Pie says you’re late! The band is running out of things to play and Twilight has started throwing things at them from her balcony.” He judged her erratic trajectory with a practiced eye and sidestepped a moment before her impact onto the street, saving the apology cake from a terrible fate, as well as himself.

“Miss Doo,” he started as Ditzy stood up and shook the dirt off her head. “I’m late for a meeting with Cheerilee—”

Well, technically not late, but if I go over to Twilight Sparkle’s to apologize, by the time I get out of the hospital, I would be very late. If not The-Late-Mister-Green-Grass, may he rest in pieces.

“—to talk about my students, including your daughter. There will be a party tomorrow afternoon at Sugarcube Corner. She can invite one or two friends, just need to talk with the two of you for a moment at the party, and so on, and so forth. Can you please take this cake and these roses over to Twilight Sparkle at the library in lieu of my presence, and express my apologies? Please?” He stood there grinning nervously, expecting an angry pink party pony to show up at any moment despite his not actually promising to attend Pinkie’s apology performance in his honor.

Ditzy’s not saying anything. I must have said something wrong.
☑ - Mentioned daughter - check
☑ - Mentioned party - check
☑ - Mentioned evaluation - check
☑ - Requested delivery - check
☐ - Tip - Oh

“I’ll make sure there’s an extra muffin or two for you at the party if you deliver the cake and roses to Twilight Sparkle for m—”

“Muffins!” In a whirl of displaced air and a flash of blonde tail, the grey pegasus darted away into the sky, cake pan held between her forelegs and roses in her teeth. After a moment to make certain the mailmare was headed in the general direction of the library, Green Grass quickly trotted off for Cheerilee’s house, keeping his mind occupied with lesson plans and student records in order not to think about what was probably going to happen at the library.

* * *

Below the library balcony, Pinkie’s mariachi band was running out of songs at about the same rate Twilight was running out of patience.

“Pinkie! I mean it!” shouted Twilight Sparkle from the balcony. Having exhausted the options of earplugs and serious threats of violence, the librarian had resorted to pelting the traveling troubadours with the second most fearsome weapon a librarian had in her arsenal: Overdue Notices. “I’ve got educational bookmarks here, and I’m not afraid to use them!”

To Twilight’s regret, Pinkie’s guitar allowed her to continue playing even as she responded, “Don’t worry Twilight! I’m sure he’ll be here soon, he probably just had some quick errands to run before showing up to apologize. Oooh, there’s Ditzy, maybe she knows.”

Pinkie waved at the pegasus flying high up in the sky and shouted. “Hey Ditzy! Do you know when Green Grass is supposed to get here?”

“Oh! Hi, Pinkie!” came a voice drifting down from the sky as Ditzy Doo made a half-loop and waved. “Oops. He said he was going to Miss Cheerilee’s to work on stuff for tomorrow. Hey, Twilight. Could you catch—”

The faint descending whistle of the falling cake had been blocked out by Pinkie’s energetic music, to Twilight’s sudden and abrupt regret.

With a spray of icing and a noise much akin to a large gong being rung, the descending cake pan landed directly on Twilight Sparkle’s head.

“I’m sorry, Twilight,” said the voice of Ditzy to Twilight’s side as the mailmare made a gentle landing next to the flattened unicorn. “I just don’t know what went wrong.”

“That’s fine, Ditzy. I’m fine,” she responded, slightly muffled by the cake pan now impaled on her horn and covering her head.

“He sent roses too. Did you want them now?”

“Do they have thorns?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“You can keep them. Please.”

“Thanks, Twilight!”

“Hey, Twilight?” inquired a voice on her other side. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yes, Pinkie. What is it?”

“Do you like the cake?”

For a long time, Twilight just lay there silently, head still covered by the cake pan and splatters of said cake surrounding her in a circle. “It’s wonderful, Pinkie. Just… let me sit here for a while and enjoy it, all right?”

Ch. 9 - Starting School with a Bang

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Starting School with a Bang

Discord would have been proud. Well over a dozen young foals, hyped up on sugar water, sugared cake, sugar candy and as far as Green Grass could tell, sugar air, fairly teemed through the party room. He could only estimate actual numbers because they moved fast enough that even Luna with her famous abacus could probably have done no more than estimate plus or minus two. Screams of joy filled the air inside Sugarcube (there was that word again) Corner as his prospective students and their friends flung themselves around the games and activities, led in their merry mischief by a pink ball of happy fluff cleverly disguised as a pony named Pinkie Pie.

Green Grass sighed with an inner smirk. Maybe someday he too would have a young child out in the chaos, perhaps an earth pony or pegasus. Not a unicorn. Even being away from home for a year had not damped his desire to avoid any unicorn mares. His last brush with parentally forced matrimony had been entirely too close for comfort. Willpower alone prevented a shudder from the memory as he escorted the little unicorn filly and her foalsitter into the meeting room with the two other teachers; instead he kept wearing his polite Teacher Smile until everypony had settled down before beginning the evaluation.

Both Cheerilee and Superintendent Masters remained quiet and to one side. Their job during the evaluation was to take notes and observe while the Educational Specialist handled all the student interaction. When he had started his tutoring career, he felt the way evaluations were done to be a little unfair, leaving the tutor without the backup of two other teachers, but he soon came to realize it was merely a test-run of his normal tutoring procedure where he would be in a one-on-one relationship with the student for the next several weeks.

Amethyst Star had been his closest career brush with an uncontrollable student to date, if Twilight Sparkle was excluded from the list, chapter, book, and library. She had been an awkward teen with a tendency to turn carefully prepared raw gemstones into high-velocity shrapnel due to releasing their inner crystalline energy in a rather random fashion while attempting to cut them into more valuable shapes. Less than a month after they had begun working on her control skills, she was happily splitting diamonds and rubies into perfect cuts with hardly a frightening tremble or explosive twitch. Now he felt proud to see how much she had grown while she was smiling and laughing with little Tootsie Flute, her foalsit-ee. According to her school records, Tootsie ‘Has amazing potential, if she would just apply herself⁽*⁾.'
(*) An evaluation that had never been written on Twilight Sparkle’s grades, ever.
—

Green Grass had to fight back a smile at the familiar words.

Now where have I heard that before? Over and over, from both my school and parents.

While Tootsie Flute had enough strength and skill to use her magic to grasp and use a quill, she still preferred hoofwriting, and had showed almost no increase in her magical abilities since Miss Primrose had been through. There were several tests and tricks in his bags for behavior such as hers, but he paused over his collection of educational toys with a well-concealed frown. Like a puzzle with a missing piece, the filly was acting... Yes, exactly. She was acting. He scattered the toys across the table and watched her eyes carefully as they darted from toy to toy and — there it was. Just a tiny glance, but her whole face seemed to light up with interest at the object in her vision before returning to blandly study the toys.

“Tootsie,” he began carefully. “What do you want to do when you grow up?”

“Daddy wants me to be a doctor, just like him,” she replied, poking a toy top with one hoof.

The twinge that tried to twist his face into a familiar scowl was difficult to resist, but he managed to turn it into a coincidental look at the potted plant sitting in the window. “Well, I don’t think we’re quite ready to turn you loose with a knife just yet.” He chuckled, theatrically. “But I don’t think you’re going to be able to live out your father’s dream unless you improve your precision.” Green Grass made a show of looking thoughtful while glancing around the room, eventually picking up the potted fern from its sunny growing spot and placing it on the table. Rummaging around in his collection of educational equipment, he pulled out a small pair of scissors and placed them in front of the little filly.

“Let’s start small, for practice. I gave Pinkie this fern last year, but it really has gotten overgrown and needs to be pruned back so it can grow. What I need you to do...”

Green Grass carefully guided the filly through picking up the scissors in her magic and snipping off the tiny dead fronds. She made a few mistakes, but quickly mastered the process until she was practically beaming when the last dry snip was removed. They ran through a few more exercises together, finishing only when Tootsie had extracted a solid promise from Green Grass that they would practice pruning at Roseluck’s greenhouse every day they had a tutoring session before she excitedly ran back out into the other room to join her friends.

“You,” declared Amethyst Star, “are a sneaky little sneak.” She punched him lightly in the shoulder and put on her best fake scowl. “You did almost the exact same thing to me last year.”

“You, were a precocious teenager who did not want to do the steps to your spell one at a time,” he declared with a fake sniff, raising his voice to a falsetto. “I just keep trying and trying, and I know I can do it, but I keep breaking things and it just makes me so... grrr!” They both chuckled along with the teachers.

Cheerilee volunteered, “I think you had Windowpane working overtime for a week to replace all the glass you broke.”

Superintendent Masters grumbled, “Almost raised insurance rates in the town too.” The smile on his face put a lie to the growl in his voice. “As I recall, we had to buy Mr. Green Grass a helmet and vest before we let him work with you. I still have it, if he needs it for your little sister.”

“Pfft. My little sister is just fine. I taught her that little thing you showed me about using a musical note with each step in the levitation spell, and she can hold her flute up now while she plays. She’s really advanced for her age.”

I’ve been hearing an awful lot of that around this town. Maybe Twilight is contagious. He suppressed a shudder, thinking about how many spells could be accidentally cast in the middle of an energetic piece of flute music during a class concert⁽¹⁾. So many cacti in the audience.
(1) Bringing new meaning to the opera ‘The Magic Flute’
—

As if triggered by the thought, the door to the room creaked open and a cute little filly poked her nose inside. “Hey Sparkler! Hi, Mr. Green Grass.”

“Hi Dinky. My, you’ve grown. Are you using magic already?”

“Yep!” The little filly hopped up and down with joy and grinned. “I have a friend who’s been teaching me! Come on in, Twilight. I want you to meet Mr. Green Grass.”

Ch. 10 - Unqualified Instructor

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Unqualified Instructor

It had taken nearly ten minutes for Ditzy and Pinkie Pie to get the cake pan pried off Twilight’s head without doing any more damage, although Twilight was not positive if Pinkie was worried more about the waste of cake than the damage done to her head. Once freed, it only took her a moment to magically fix the cake pan back up, good as new and ready to be dropped on another unsuspecting head as soon as Pinkie Pie refilled it with delicious cake. Ditzy looked as woebegone as ever, with her I-Really-Need-A-Muffin expression intact despite Pinkie’s near-endless supply of baked goods during the ordeal.

“I’m really, really sorry Twilight. Are you sure there’s not anything I can do to help?”

“No!” she said, carefully checking her horn for damage. “I really think you’ve done enough for one day. Oh, wait,” she called out as the depressed pegasus prepared to fly away. “There is just one thing you can help me with. How much do you know about this Green Grass?”

She listened with interest as the grey pegasus cheered up and happily chatted about the tutor. Apparently for a long time after Amethyst Star, or Sparkler as she preferred to be called by friends, had gotten her cutie mark, her skill at cutting gemstones had been iffy, at best, and terrifying for anypony in the vicinity at worst. ‘Breaking’ things was the least of her problems, Ditzy tended to use the word ‘explode’ and ‘detonate’ with alarming regularity when talking about her older daughter’s antics last year. For a while, she had even considered that Sparkler was doing it intentionally to increase the amount of time her single mother would be able to visit Windowpane, the handsome repair⁽*⁾ pony.
(*) Available 24/7, discounts for single mares.
—

Ouch. At least nopony is trying to set me up with some random stallion.

The other teacher on the tutor circuit had not been much help, tending to suggestions that Sparkler should simply stop trying to use her special talent for a while in the hopes that her problem would eventually take care of itself. Green Grass had still only been student teaching and still under the direct supervision of Superintendent Masters when he had been talked into taking Sparkler as an extra student, somewhat older than he was used to, but with extremely satisfactory results.

Sparkler now had a part-time job with both the town jeweler and Rarity in order to save up the immense pile of bits it took to start a jewelry store of her own in Canterlot, while still living at home to save money and making some money foalsitting. There was a little glint in Ditzy’s mismatched eyes when she talked about her daughter, hinting at the welcome possibility of future grandchildren. The walleyed pegasus had similar success stories regarding the other foals the tutor had worked with over a year ago, and it rankled Twilight (just the smallest bit). As a teacher, his full-time job was teaching, and therefore that should make him at least capable, but still she could not think he would be as good a teacher as the personal student of the most powerful alicorn in the entire country.

So am I taking Ditzy’s pride in his ability to help Sparkler as a slight against Princess Celestia’s teaching, or to my own abilities? Second-best. That’s what this is all about. You’ve never placed second academically anywhere. Put it to one side, Twilight. You know hundreds of spells, and dozens that you created all by yourself. In any contest of talent, you could show... This is Trixie all over again, isn’t it?

She held the image of the tutor in her mind and tried to picture him as the blue braggart, but it seemed... weak. “I am the Great and Powerful Green Grass! Behold as I teach this colt how to create a little light on the end of his horn!”

“Um... Twilight?” Ditzy poked her in the shoulder with one hoof. “Were you talking to me?”

“Oh! No, I was just... thinking out loud. Yes.” She wiped a bit of frosting off her shoulder and tasted it.

Divine, just like all of Pinkie’s pastries, but if Pinkie met somepony who could bake better than her, she would probably not compete with him, she would marry—

Twilight shook her head vigorously to get the thought of little Pinkie Pies out of her mind. “Ditzy, do you think I could get you to set up a meeting with him? I mean... Oh, no. Not that. Not a date. Just sometime when he is at work. Yes, that’s it! If I can see him work, I can get a better evaluation of him evaluating. Perfect!”

* * *

Oh no! Oh no! I’m late, I’m so very late⁽¹⁾.
(1) Not that way! Bad readers! Behave!
—

Twilight fairly burst into Sugarcube Corner, relaxing only fractionally at hearing the subdued roar of energetic, playful foals still screaming around the second floor. She passed Mr. and Mrs. Cake at a near run as she dashed up the stairs and screeched to a halt just as Tootsie Flute came prancing happily out of the office where the teachers were doing evaluations.

“Hi Twilight!” she bubbled, hopping about nearly as perky as Pinkie Pie. “Your coltfriend is really neat! He showed me how to bon-sigh a fern! We’re going to trim plants every day! That’s so much better than those dumb books Miss Primrose was having me read.”

“Who wants to play Pin The Tail on the Pony?” called out Pinkie Pie, passing out tails to the happy horde. “Hi Twilight! You want to play too?”

“No, Pinkie,” she responded automatically. Her emotions were still churning, trying to determine if being late, or defending books to Tootsie Flute was the most important thing to worry about at the moment, when the decision was taken away from her.

“Twilight!” squealed Dinky in exaltation, flinging herself across the room and wrapping herself around the unicorn’s neck like a vice. Definitely a family resemblance here, thought Twilight while gasping for air. “Mommy said you were going to show up! Snails thought you got tied up in a book and weren’t going to make it, but I knew better! Come on! I’m going to be the last one there, and I want to get done before Pin The Tail on the Pony is over.”

* * *

The two teachers were seated behind the bakery’s huge wooden business desk while the green-coated tutor was standing casually in front of it, with a collection of educational unicorn toys scattered across the top. Amethyst Star greeted Twilight when she entered the room, but all she could see was Green Grass. And his head.

Twilight stared at the tutor in shock and blurted out, "Y-you... Where is your horn!"

He isn’t even a unicorn. Ditzy thinks he’s a better magic teacher than I am, and he isn’t even a unicorn! He’s an earth pony. How can he teach magic without magic?

His hat and cloak were hanging from a nearby hook on the wall; she could not help but look back and forth between them and his naked head. She might have said something even more embarrassing if Dinky had not suddenly popped up and said, “Oh, I forgot. You two have already met.” The little filly turned to her sister, Amethyst Star, who had turned a little pink from holding her breath and whispered quite loudly, “Twilight was in his wagon when our class went to the library yesterday morning.”

“Really?” Sparkler maintained an amazing amount of control and kept her straight face by the smallest of margins. The same could not be said of Cheerilee, who had fallen behind the desk and was now making whimpering noises from badly suppressed laughter.

“Yep. She was all wet and dripping and out of breath. Were the two of you fighting, Twilight?” asked the filly with innocent eyes.

“Yes! Yes we were,” said Twilight abruptly, grabbing for the escape with all four hooves.

“When the mommy cats are fighting with the daddy cats outside, Mommy goes out with a bucket of water to separate them. Did you have to do that to Twilight, Mr. Green Grass?” There was a thump from behind the desk as Superintendent Masters joined Cheerilee on the floor in muffled laughter. Even Dinky’s sister had crossed her eyes and was breathing heavily while looking at the floor.

“Dinky,” said the green (and pink-faced) tutor with no little effort. “Can we focus on your evaluation? I want to see what your sister and T-t-twilight have taught you.”

“Okay!” The little unicorn grabbed her flute case and began opening it up, assembling her flute half by magic and half by hoof while chattering away nonstop. “Sparkler showed me how to use scales to use the steps in levy-tation so I can hold my flute and blow and make the keys move all at the same time. It’s really diffycult, but Mommy says she can hear the tune even though my sister is a meanie and says it just sounds like a duck.” She paused to stick her tongue out at Amethyst Star, who returned the favor, complete with a quite realistic duck quack.

Twilight had to admit, although she was still mortified at the humor everpony else in the room seemed to be having at her expense, the tutor seemed quite interested in the lessons she had been teaching the little unicorn. He even went so far as to ask Dinky just what exactly ‘Miss Sparkle’ had been teaching her, and was (apparently) amazed when she could recite the lessons almost verbatim. The rest of the evaluation was fairly rote: a few skill tests appropriate for unicorns her age with a constant stream of feedback, mostly positive. The ending was a bit strange, and she struggled mightily to avoid commenting as he talked.

“...marching bands have to hold their instrument and march while playing. I know that’s awfully advanced for such a young unicorn, but I want you to try just marching in place while blowing across the mouthpiece. I’ll see you the day after tomorrow after school over at Roseluck’s flower shop, and you can play music for the flowers while Tootsie trims them. Do you think that’ll be fun?”

“Oh yeah! Rose always lets us nibble on the trimmings and after she does a flower arrangement, we get to lick the bowl. Thanks, Mister Green Grass.” The little filly launched herself at Green Grass’ neck with almost the same energy as she had tackled Twilight earlier, and that creeping sense of envy started to crop up again in the librarian’s mind, to flare up even worse when the little filly went running into the other room without even stopping for her.

“You didn’t give her any lessons?” blurted out Twilight moments after the door closed. “Just march in place and blow on her flute? She can already do that.”

Green Grass showed almost no sign of having heard her except for a slight twitch as he loaded his educational toys and testing tools into his saddle bag, with Cheerilee and Superintendent Masters simply staying behind the desk and attempting to remain inconspicuous. Watching.

After he finished loading up his bags, he turned to Twilight and asked abruptly, “Did you like the apology cake? Well, cakes.”

Twilight twitched in response and quickly edited her first response to be more polite and less profane. “Yes, it had quite an impact on me. And the first one was very... Spike liked it a lot.”

“Good.” He motioned to the door. “May we go now?”

“No!” She stomped one hoof when anger flared momentarily, only to have the emotion die down into a cold lump in her belly as she saw the reflection of fear in all three ponies. Three ordinary ponies, trapped with an angry powerful unicorn between them and the only door out of the room. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.” She quickly scooted to one side and the three school ponies filed out, the tutor bringing up the rear after putting on his hat and cloak.

Instead of leaving, Green Grass paused at the door and closed it, not looking back at her while he talked. “When you were Princess Celestia’s student, you used to walk around while reading books, right?”

“Sometimes. Well, almost all the time. Walking seemed to be such a waste of time without something to do.” She scowled at the insensitive lout, a gesture which was spoiled by him remaining facing away from her so all she could see was his twitching tail and his green flanks.

“So you used your magic to hold onto books because you loved to read, right?”

“Yes. So?”

The tutor took a deep breath, and the distracting twitch in his tail began to slow. “While you were walking around the school, suspending a book in front of you and turning pages, were you using an obstacle avoidance spell?”

Twilight scowled. “Yes, and a navigation spell⁽²⁾ so I’d wind up where I was intending to go. What’s your point?”
(2) And a timekeeping spell, and a scheduling spell, and a dictionary spell, but she never counted them because they were active all the time anyway.
—

“So you were doing something you loved to do, while maintaining four different spells almost all the time. Don’t you think that had something to do with how powerful you became?”

“I also did exercises, and read all the books I could find on magic, and practiced every single day. I worked really hard to become as talented as I am.”

The green tutor finally turned half-way around to look Twilight in the eyes. “So have I.” He gestured at his own flank, showing the cutie mark of a rather small and blunt unicorn horn with a few weak sparks around it.

“I put in years of college to do this, but it’s really more of a joy for me than just work. My talent is to find things that young unicorns like to do, and let them grow their talent while doing it. Tootsie Flute’s father is a doctor and her mother is an administrator at the hospital. They work horribly long hours and don’t get to spend very much time with their only child. He wants her to be a doctor too, but all she can see is that overworked doctors don’t get to spend much time with their children. She didn’t want to get any better with magic, because that would mean she would be farther away from her parents. By letting her practice her magic on a few innocent flowers, she is doing something she loves to do, and improving her skills. You just have to look below the surface of the mask she projects, and see the flower underneath.”

“Oh,” said Twilight quietly. “Well, what about Dinky?”

“Her?” Green Grass chuckled as a broad smile swept over his face. “She just loves making noise. Now she can stomp as well as honk her flute. Tie a pair of cymbals to her tail, and she’ll never quit.”

Twilight could not help but chuckle too at the mental image. It was fairly obvious once she thought about it. Her own teaching sessions with Dinky were so focused on the various components of spellcasting that she had not even considered the larger picture of the pony herself. In one simple lesson, he had taught both of them to look at the fun behind learning, and it felt remarkably good to admit it to herself.

“So what do you see in me?” she asked without thinking, feeling her heart thud after hearing the words leave her mouth.

“I see,” started Green Grass with a theatrical flourish of one hoof. “A beautiful young mare, who someday will meet a handsome young unicorn stallion who possesses grace, manners, and an enormously huge library. The two of you will fall hopelessly in love, and have dozens of small children, of which I shall be more than honored to assist with their instruction. At least until they reach a dangerous age, and then they’re all yours.”

The small giggle that Twilight had been suppressing finally bubbled out. “I see your father has taught you the noble art of flattery.”

Both eyebrows rocketed straight up under his hat as Green Grass stammered, “B-beg pardon?”

“Your father? Baron Chrysanthemum?” Twilight felt a twinge of guilt as the green stallion seemed to collapse from extravagant flirt to depressed moping glob in one heart-rending sigh. “I take it the two of you are not on the best of terms?”

“Us?” said Green Grass with a sharp tinge of bitterness to his voice. “Oh no. It’s just so many of the ponies I meet who are nice to me, are doing it just to suck up to him, and he’s more than willing to drag me in. I hate playing that game. I would much rather nopony knows who my family is.”

Twilight snorted in sympathy as she pointed to herself. “Tell me about it. As personal student to the Princess, I’ve been acclaimed, bribed, coerced, flattered, seduced and every other letter of deceitful tricks. Everypony wants something from her, and I’m just the path they think they need.”

“Ouch.” Green Grass winced and looked up. “Seduced? Your brother must have been a busy Royal Guard with that many bodies to hide. Speaking of which, we probably should not spend much more time in here. I understand there are a number of rumors about town, and the longer we spend in here, the worse they will get.” The tutor fixed his face in an expression of bland formality before sweeping open the office door and gesturing broadly to the room filled with happily playing students. “After you, M’Lady Sparkle.”

“Thank you, kind sir,” she responded with a gentle curtsey of an invisible skirt, before proceeding out the door, head held high and taking slow deliberate steps just the way Princess Celestia had taught her. “Such a polite gentlecolt,” she murmured as she passed him. “We should do lunch.”

“It should be my pleasure,” he responded with all the formal tones of a royal accepting an invitation to take tea with Princess Celestia. “Would M’Lady have an opening on— I mean would noon tomorrow at Gustav’s be an acceptable time for me to apologize for this week’s inconveniences?”

“Oh yes,” she cried, turning around so fast she almost knocked one of the students flying. “Noon is good. But that would be too much like a date. How about we just have lunch over at your— no, that won’t work. There’s no kitchen in your wagon. Library?”

“It would be my pleasure.” Green Grass nodded and kept walking while Twilight backed through the crowd of playing students. “We can go over the student evaluations, and I can get your opinions on them. Shall I bring another apology cake, since you said the last one had such an impact on you?”

“No!” she said abruptly. “Just a quiet lunch with no compli—”

Pinkie’s voice suddenly got loud as she yelled, “No, Dinky! That’s not the pony you want to pin the tail—”

Twilight’s eyes grew large as she gained a second tail from the blindfolded filly. The instinctive reaction to having a steel pin shoved in her rump caused her to reflexively lunge forward, plowing into Green Grass. The two of them landed in a heap in the middle of the floor, nose to nose while the entire party of students looked on and giggled. The only way it could be more embarrassing is if—

A brilliant camera flash filled the room just as Twilight brought her lips together to ask, “What?” She leapt off the floor and into pursuit of the camerapony, young colt with a “Foal Free Press” card in his hat that went flying as they raced around the room, making two complete circuits before he made his escape out the door, still being followed by the shouting unicorn.

Green Grass watched in stunned amazement, shaking his head. “Oh, this won’t end well.”

Ch. 11 - Kissing on the First Non-Date

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Kissing on the First Non-Date

The tutor looked absolutely dashing and handsome, standing there on the library threshold in a full formal suit with black top hat perched on top of what could only be described as a fine piece of art woven throughout his entire mane. The enticing scent of expensive hair care products wafted gently from a fine weave of his dusky mane, intermixed with colored ribbons trailing down Green Grass’ neck, stopping their weave only when there was no mane to tie, but resuming again throughout his tail and ending in an ornate bow. Carried in his mouth was a large basket, filled with an overflowing spray of flowers, two bottles of apple cider, several muffins, and topped with a frilly “I’m sorry” card done entirely in shades of pink.

“Your friends,” he said in a half-menacing tone of voice around the handle of the basket, “formed a press-gang and dragged me into the spa. I swear that much estrogen in one spot should be illegal. It will take a month of hoofball games to get my stallion-cred back up to a reasonable level. And—” Green Grass visibly flinched and looked at the sky “—they took photos. So many photos.”

“No!” gasped Twilight Sparkle with an exaggerated clutch of her hoof to her mouth. “Really?”

“Why do I get the feeling I’m talking to the sixth member of the conspiracy,” he sighed. “I mean it’s only an apology lunch, not like I’m proposing—” He blushed crimson and nearly dropped the basket. “Sorry. I’ve been a little twitchy on the subject, ever since my ‘wonderful parents’ saw fit to try to wedge me into an arranged marriage. Can I come in? I think we’re being watched.”

“Pip-sized paparazzi?” she asked, letting him into the library and closing the door behind him firmly. “I never did catch that little snipe. I did make certain to tell the editor of the Ponyville Gazette not to print the photo. I hope I didn’t frighten him too much.”

* * *

The editor of the Ponyville Gazette called the copywriter into his office the moment Twilight Sparkle had left the building and was safely a few blocks away.

“Typo, remember when I told you to see what kind of story you could do on the Princess’ student in town? Forget it. Nothing is worth being lectured to for that long. As a matter of fact, I want you to keep a sharp eye on any story that even mentions her or her coltfriend, and make certain it never sees our ink.”

“How about her wedding announcement? That will be legitimate news.”

Deadline scratched his chin and thought about it for a moment, “Well, I didn’t think those two were that far along, but go ahead and write one up so we’re ready. We’ll keep it back until they actually announce it. Better write up a birth announcement too.”

Meanwhile in the Foal Free Press darkroom, a number of young eyes were watching a photograph develop.

* * *

“Don’t worry about it,” scoffed Green Grass, sitting the basket down on a library table. “Nothing important ever happens around here that gets into the paper. Um. Not more than once every thousand years or so.”

The crystal-clear chimes of a bell echoed through the library, struck three times just the same as if Spike were announcing a formal dinner. The rules of formal dining specified one chime for the lowest formality of a meal, two chimes if there were members of the aristocracy present, and three chimes only if Princess Celestia or Princess Luna was a formal guest. Green Grass decided wisely not to press the issue.

The little dragon placed the bell back on a tray with a flourish and announced, "Lunch is served.” With one sweeping bow, he turned and motioned to the main room, finishing with a rapid trot to keep ahead of the two diners. Spike had managed to find a full formal suit complete with a mauve tie around his neck and spats for his little feet somewhere (Green Grass had his suspicions), and gestured to a small table set up in the main library room, with a pair of lit candles and two settings.

“If Madame and Monsieur will please be seated, we shall begin with the salad. The kitchen has a delicious Romane with baby carrots, alfalfa sprouts and olives, coated with a light vinaigrette and freshly ground pepper.”

“Ah, excellent. That sounds lovely.” Twilight nodded her head in the direction of a chair, but it took Green Grass a moment to recover before suavely pulling it out for her and helping scoot it back in afterwards.

“I sense a seventh conspirator,” he grumbled, pulling his own chair out without the need for assistance. “Was he bribed, blackmailed or just volunteered on his own?”

“Bribed,” called out Spike from the kitchen. “A dozen rubies and emeralds, freshly cut and sprinkled with diamond dust for zest. Plus I get to keep any tip.”

* * *

The tutor tried to keep his gruff mood intact, but between courses of the most delicious delicacies of Prench cooking he had ever tasted and the sight of the little dragon trotting back and forth, his mouth soon outvoted the rest of his body with smiles and laughter. By the time dessert was served (chocolate pie with shaved almond topping, served on a paper plate that looked suspiciously like Gustav’s restaurant takeout tableware), he had nearly forgotten the reason for his visit.

Almost.

“If you would care to adjourn to the balcony, I will bring you a glass of our delicious house cider. House Apple Acres, aged—” Spike took a quick peek at the label “—two weeks.”

The balcony of the library was a pleasantly shaded area to look out across the town, not as high an observation point as the upper balcony with its telescope, but the foliage concealing them from the townsponies was much more welcome than altitude. While they stood and talked, Twilight Sparkle held her glass filled with cider comfortably in her magical field, with far more control than any student he had ever taught. No doubt she was still keeping several spells going unconsciously and thinking about two different things simultaneously while nodding and chatting.

It was a horrible dent in his ego. Green Grass was so used to spending time with foals and their weak abilities that being in her presence made him feel as if he were back in elementary school again. Father had been so determined that ‘My special colt’ was smarter than any other student, that he had been pushed and shoved from the day he had been assigned his first tutor. Once he had been admitted to school, the pressure only became worse. He had been advanced a grade, and then a second. Only by intentionally failing an exam had he managed to avoid the horrible fate a third time. From then on he had been more careful. Theatre class, oratory, and history made a good cover for a geeky earth pony in classes filled with older loud and proud unicorns of very important families. There was a great deal of value in knowing just who had what skeletons in their family trees, how to pretend to like them, and how to talk so they would just leave him alone. In that regard, he considered himself richer than all the bits his family owned.

“Let me start,” said Twilight, sitting down her half-full glass. “Then we can trade off.” She pulled out a short list before looking speculative and stuffing it away. “No, an apology must come from the heart, not a list. Mr. Green Grass, I would like to apologize for barging into your class evaluation and being so rude about your—” Twilight gestured at his head with a low twitch that turned the corners of her beautiful mouth into a sour grimace “—you know.”

“No, I don’t know,” he responded calmly, trying to keep his anger in check. The same thing had happened in school on a regular basis. Insult the earth pony, claim it to be an impulsive mistake, wait for the apology to be accepted. Repeat.

It’s true. School never⁽*⁾ ends. She’s just going to try to wave this over and pretend it didn’t happen.
(*) Well, High School Never Ends at least.
—

Twilight let her breath out in an explosive sigh and reluctantly turned to look him in the eyes, which gave him an unexpected hitch in his chest. “I was jealous, okay?”

“What?” That’s new.

“When I talked to Ditzy, she made you sound like some sort of miracle pony. I had been teaching little Dinky for a few weeks at that point, and I started thinking I was the only and best teacher in all of Equestria for her. I lost sight of what was best for my student, and that’s something you just can’t do when teaching. Then I saw you were not a unicorn, and all those emotions started boiling over. I just couldn’t stand being second-best, and that made it worse.”

It took a moment for Green Grass to respond. His first well-practiced instinct had been to smirk and laugh it off, but it was painfully obvious that Twilight Sparkle was honest about what she was saying, if nothing else due to her expression and the way he could see his reflection in her beautiful eyes.

“You should not sell yourself short, Miss Sparkle. Dinky is really advanced for her age. Between your tutoring and her older sister, she tests above the ninety-eighth percentile for her control and ninety-fifth for power. I really should thank you and Sparkler. There’s almost nothing for me to do in the next few months regarding her training, which gives me more time to spend with the more troublesome students, like Snails. Trust me, I’ve experienced far worse than your reaction. Normally, I just plod ahead and keep my hat on. You’re actually the first to apologize and really mean it, and for that, I’m grateful.

“Now, let me apologize. I’ve been so afraid of you that I forgot to treat you normally, instead of like some godlike being.” Green Grass winced and almost looked away. “Well, maybe I should rephrase that.”

Twilight’s violet eyes glittered with memories that seemed to just radiate from her extravagant grin. “Oh no, don’t you dare. You should hear her stories about some of the silly things ponies do when they meet Princess Celestia for the first time.” Catching Green Grass’ sudden blush, Twilight Sparkle leaned forward eagerly. “So you have met her.”

“Once. Briefly. When I got my cutie mark.” Green Grass tried to wave the experience off, but Twilight would have none of it.

“Tell me.” He meant to turn the eager grinning student down, but while he was looking into her beautiful purple eyes, he could hear somepony’s voice talking. His.

“My parents had taken my little sister Frost into the testing room for Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, and I decided to stay behind and help out the other stressed-out tots. I really didn’t pay much attention to the clock, and the little fillies and colts seemed to take a shine to me, probably because of my blank rump and lack of horn. Anyway, all I did for hours was calm them down and get their brilliant little minds pointed the right direction just like I had done for my sister. When the last one went into the testing chamber, I noticed that my flank was no longer blank. That’s about it.”

A loud snort of laughter was choked back by Twilight, and her grin grew larger. “Princess Celestia told me she was ‘mooned’ by an older student in the testing rooms at the school once. All he was doing was jumping around the room, and screaming, ‘Yes! Yes!’ until she walked in.”

“Well, I don’t think that was—” he began, only to be cut off.

“She said this earth pony just pointed to his flank and grinned, waving his rump back and forth. Did you at least introduce yourself?”

After a brief sigh at the realization his dinner companion was not about to quit until she got the whole story, Green Grass took a measured sip of cider and shook his head. “I would like to say the two of us shared a pleasant conversation where the Princess inquired about my newly discovered talent. In this completely mythical interaction, I would have used my well-practiced social skills to describe my pleasure at being in Her Royal Highness’ presence, thanked Her Royal Highness for the opportunity to be in her presence, and begged permission to leave her presence, all in the Proper and Correct Manner my father’s private tutors had spent so much time hammering into my thick skull.”

“Nice. Unbelievable, but nice.”

“Oh, yes. That would have been nice. Instead, all I did when first meeting the founder of the school, wise leader and powerful monarch of Equestria, the immortal Princess of the Sun and Moon was — point at my flank and grin like an idiot.”

Twilight burst into laughter, falling down onto the floor of the balcony. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she rolled back and forth, clutching her belly. She really was unbearably cute when she did that. It almost made him forget the four charred hoofprints on the library floor downstairs, or his impromptu flight across the library yard to the rather solid tree. With a roll of his eyes, Green Grass continued.

“Yeah, she must have thought I was amusing too, from the giggling I heard when she left to return to her royal duties. The rest of the application evaluation board was a lot more understanding and only giggled a little. After swearing they would not breathe a word of my actions, they all introduced themselves and gave me more application forms and scholarship applications to fill out than I had dreamed about.”

“So that’s how you got started teaching.”

He sighed and took another drink of cider, deeply regretting the absence of alcohol within. “Not quite. My parents decided I should go into the family business first. It took a few years in college, flunking out of Law, Business, Chemistry, Engineering, and finally Political Science, but once I got into the Educational college, my grades improved remarkably.”

It was fascinating to watch emotions play out across Twilight’s face, first shock at the word ‘flunking,’ and then mortification, probably at the concept of sharing a balcony with such a failure, then a look of enlightened realization. The smile spread back onto her face as she raised her glass to touch the rim of his and snarked, “What an amazing coincidence. Your parents must have been so proud.”

“If by proud, you mean absolutely mortified that their son teaches itty-bitty rural unicorns how to make their horns light up and spark, yes, very much so. In order of pride, my parents have my oldest brother Regal, who is engaged to be married to a ‘proper’ unicorn of royal blood. Then my oldest sister April Showers, who works in Fillydelphia for a law firm. Then there is my older brother Graphite, who works with the Diplomatic Office in the Griffon Affairs section, my little sister Frost, who is quite well-placed in her class at Celestia’s school, my mother’s prize gardenia bushes, my father’s collection of griffon primary flight feathers, their little dog Cricket, and me.”

The amusement on her face began to slowly drain away as he talked, replaced by concern. “But you can’t possibly mean that, do you?”

“Well, there may be a forsythia bush or two above me too. Anyway,” he continued as she finally quit laughing, except for a little twinkle in her eyes that he suspected was permanent. “I overreacted when we first met. I should never have made my thesis notes inside a library book, and I should have let you borrow my copy of Don Rocinante. Did I miss anything?”

He winced as Twilight pulled out the list. “Let’s see. Got that. And that. I suppose the cake was mostly my fault, I should have waited on Spike. That’s about right. Now it’s my turn.”

She cleared her throat and looked straight into Green Grass’ eyes, which made his heart do a little hiccup for some reason. “I’m sorry for throwing you out of the library, and the bucket, and for getting so angry with you over just a b-b… No, I’ve got this. Over just a book. Although it was a reference book, it was still just a b-b… Arrgh! And I’m sorry for breaking into your house and being so rude about your copy of Don Rocinante and getting all angry about… Well, when I tidied your Master’s thesis out of existence.”

“If you think of it as an unassembled book, that might help,” he groused. “I’m really having a hard time forgiving you for that. It was easier to forgive you for almost frying me like an egg downstairs.”

That phrase seemed to draw a damper over all the relaxation that both of them had been enjoying to that point. The conversation settled into more plebeian matters: the changes that had happened in the small town since Green Grass’ last visit, a few school-related anecdotes, renovations at city hall and postcards to Twilight from Miss Dewey’s retirement stable in the Camanen Islands. The photos of the old mare on the beach with a number of old stallions brought a warm glow to his heart. As much as she had groused and grumbled about his time in the library, she had given him more affection than his own mother, although that was not saying much. While poking around in the box of letters, he gave a shout of surprise and pulled out a few unopened envelopes.

“Hey, Miss Dewey sent some letters to me too?”

Twilight raised one eyebrow as she looked at the letter he was opening. “Your name is Avocado?”

“Her vision was pretty bad. She probably would have used Grape for both you and Spike. It was probably easier for her just to send the letters here after retiring because her ‘Little Avocado’ moved around so often. I used to help shelve books here in the morning while my students were in school, make her breakfast, sort the mail, things like that.”

Spike nodded. “Sounds familiar. Some of the more transient members of the town stop by every month or two so they can return books, check their mail and gossip. Those are easy to sort out. Between junk mail and all the weird letters we get now, we must ship a crate a month up to the castle staff or Twilight and I would be doing nothing but writing responses.”

“Weird letters?” he asked, seeing Twilight blush and flick her ears in irritation. “Like what?”

The little dragon struck a dramatic pose, with one claw held in front of him as if he were examining his nails. “Dear Twilight, I want to marry you and have your foals. Please use the Elements of Harmony to chase the darned neighborhood kids out of my yard. Magical transmissions from Canterlot towers are making my hair fuzzy. I am the real Princess Luna, trapped in the body of an earth pony. I grew an eggplant in the shape of your head, please show it to the Princess. Humans are invading our town. Manticores are invading our town. Tomatoes are invading our town. The Everfree forest is shrinking and soon will vanish, please send help. The Everfree forest is growing and soon will take over the world, please send help.”

He dug in the box and pulled out a handful of letters tucked in the back. “Some of them even put in the address weird. Princess Twilight of Sparkleopous. The Magus of Magic. Solarus Secundus. Arch-Mage of Ponyville. Lady Sparkle of House Twinkle.”

“That last one is legit,” said Green Grass. “Since her mother, the Lady Velvet, is the descendant of Ritter von Twinkle, who was elevated by Princess Celestia in 630 G.E. due to his actions in the War of Misty Mountains, and given an estate and title of his own. Freiherr von Twinkle had quite a history, and there was nearly a paragraph in my thesis about him. I’ll have to show it to you. If I can ever find it again,” he added in a sharp tone of voice that he regretted instantly.

The dragon coughed bashfully and dug back into the box. “How about Lord Chrysanthemum, is that her too?”

Green Grass tore the letter out of the dragons hand and stared at it in frustration, before opening it. “My father is Baron Chrysanthemum, so technically I’m Lord Green Grass, third in line for the title of Baron. Or fourth, depending on your view of salic succession of titles. I’ve told him a hundred times to just use my given name when writing, so please don’t call me Lord anything in public, Spike.”

“No problem. Can I use Twilight’s title?” The little dragon bowed to the unicorn. “Announcing Lady Twilight Sparkle, the Element of Magic!”

“Actually that would be Freifrau Twilight Sparkle von Twinkle, Bearer of the Element of Magic, Mistress of the Silver Diadem and Defender of the Realm,” said Green Grass absently as he read through his letter. “Titles go in descending order of importance. I looked her up in Twerp’s Peerage.”

Spike giggled. “Twilight, your date Twerped you.”

“Spike!” growled Twilight Sparkle in repressed aggravation. “It’s not a date! It’s an apology dinner, with dessert and ice cream. And letter-reading.” She took a look at where Green Grass was reading through his letter, his ribbon-bedecked tail twitching behind him. “Is something wrong?”

“Wrong? No! Nothing is wrong at all, everything is just perfect.” He wadded up the letter and threw it into the fireplace, watching it burn with a fierce scowl that slowly turned into a look of stunned curiosity. “You have a fireplace. In a tree, filled with paper books, and a dragon, you have a fireplace.”

Twilight beamed. “Yes I do. I’m surprised it took you so long to notice. It took a lot of work to get it installed, but between Applejack and her brother, well, and a bit of magic, it fit perfectly. I just love curling up in front of a warm fireplace on a cold winter day. I used to do that a lot with Princess Celestia, because she’s so warm it was like being toasted from both sides.”

The tutor rubbed his forehead with one hoof. “No, I mean it’s a fireplace. In here, of all places. Don’t you understand?”

The librarian sighed. “Yes, it’s a fireplace. I understand. Ponies all over Equestria use them to keep warm.”

“Aaaahhh!” Green Grass pointed at the fireplace in exasperation. “Fire!” Then he pointed at the library. “Fuel!”

Twilight tapped her horn. “Magic. What is so hard to understand? I put fire-damping spells all over the library when I moved in. Seriously, did you think I would just put a fireplace in the middle of a bunch of books? That would be stupid.”

It took a mighty effort of will to avoid beating his head against the wall, but Green Grass managed. Barely.

“Twilight,” he said weakly. “I’m going back to my wagon. I have some students to deal with this afternoon, and tomorrow both of my parents are coming to Ponyville with an unmarried mare they want me to meet. I shall need my strength.”

“Oh, I see. Well, I’m glad we got our original misconceptions out of the way. What’s wrong now?”

“Don’t say ‘conceptions.’ The Earl of Pine Valley wants grandfoals in the worst possible way, and I mean worst.”

“Oh. Well, I’m glad we could work out our differences in a mutually productive way. We never did sit down and go over teaching techniques for the children— Oh, I’m sorry, I did it again. Would you need any help putting your thesis back together— I’m not helping, am I?” The green stallion seemed to twitch into a more-depressed bundle whenever Twilight hit a nerve, and he seemed to be all nerves. “Is your father trying to drag you into another arranged marriage?”

“Another?” The tutor looked up, trying to hide the despair that was sweeping over him. “He never quit with the first one. I tried everything I could think of. Everything! I even went as far as to tell him there was no way the Earl would accept a son-in-law without a horn. He told me in no uncertain terms that the Earl himself said he didn’t care if I had a horn up there, as long as I had one down—” Green Grass cut off abruptly at the scandalized look from Twilight and blushed. “Well. I have imposed on your hospitality enough for one day. What’s this?” he asked as Spike handed him a note.

“The bill for lunch, sir. Please remember this establishment prefers that tips be in excess of fifteen percent of the final bill.” The little dragon just looked so silly there with his palm out that he had to giggle, despite his family-induced depression.

“I’m sorry Spike. I left my wallet back in my wagon.” As the little dragon crossed his arms and huffed, Green Grass hurriedly smiled and added, “I’ll bring it by on Wednesday, first thing. Mother and Father’s train will not be in until just before noon, so I should have plenty of time.”

“Excuse me,” said Twilight with a worried look. “Today’s Wednesday.”

* * *

That’s strange. Twilight Sparkle peered closer at her guest. The date… that is the totally normal meeting they had scheduled to resolve the misconceptions brought up by their interactions to this point, had been going so well. Then he just locked up and quit moving. He did not appear to be breathing either, but that had to be just some sort of optical illusion.

“You want me to get the fire extinguisher, Twilight?”

“No!” Twilight Sparkle waved a hoof in front of the immobile pony, who seemed to have his unseeing eyes locked on some distant approaching disaster. “He’s just... I don’t know, but it certainly can’t be as bad—”

An upstairs library window popped open, and Rainbow Dash stuck her head in. “Hey Twilight! There are some stuck-up snobs wandering around town, looking for Greenie.” Her pegasus friend took a long look at the stationary tutor, before looking back at Twilight. “You broke your date, didn’t you?”

“I still could get the fire extinguisher if you want, Twilight.”

“Rainbow Dash, I did not break him! I didn’t even touch him! And Spike, if you touch that fire extinguisher even once, I’ll ground you. What this situation needs is calm, reasonable discussion. Rainbow, how much time do we have before Baron Chrysanthemum gets to the library?”

The pegasus turned and looked over a shoulder casually. “I think I’ll just stay here and watch the fireworks. The three of them are walking across the library yard, so I figure you have about a minute.”

The tutor shook himself as if waking. “I can’t let them see me!” He dashed to a library window and looked outside, then dashed to a different window to look again as if that would change the identity of the three ponies walking across the yard.

Twilight took the opportunity to look outside too. Baron Chrysanthemum seemed to be a fine image of a middle-aged unicorn, run somewhat thicker than when he was in his prime, but his glittering white coat and raspberry mane fairly glowed as if freshly groomed. His wife was quite a contrast, being much thinner with a piercing look and sharp, angular features more fitting to a bird of prey than a bright yellow unicorn mare. Her violet mane was tied up behind her head in a tight bun, and a glittering pair of red glasses rested securely on her long nose.

And then there was a pony who Twilight took an instant dislike to, for some reason.

She looked thirty-ish, with heavy emphasis on the ‘ish’, with the same vapid expression that students who were called on before her used to have when thinking about complex problems, like how to count, and whether to take spinach or cauliflower in the school cafeteria. Her mane fairly shone a royal cornflower-blue that Twilight was positive came out of a box, with both curls and streaks that held twice as many manecombs as any decent mare would wear in public. A pale, almost certainly bleached coat was carefully covered with a dress that certainly seemed to be of Rarity’s design, in particular because not more than yesterday she had seen the exact same dress in the Carousel Boutique’s ‘Failed Ideas’ recycling bin.

“She doesn’t look that bad,” hazarded Twilight carefully.

“Bad? Bad?!” whined Green Grass while darting back and forth between windows. “She’s been to the altar twice so far! The first groom threw himself out the window to escape, and the second one locked himself into the bathroom, promising that he wouldn't come out⁽¹⁾ until she was safely married to anypony else. She has a laugh like a saw, a sense of humor matched only by her dazzling personality, and the moral restraint of a mink. If her father was not so stinking rich, she would have bankrupted him by now because she views ‘Sale’ signs as a command, not a suggestion. A friend of mine in school dated her once. He spent the next two weeks in an alcohol induced haze and claimed to have forgotten the whole thing. Spike!”
(1) He is still in there.
—

The little dragon jumped, and the fire extinguisher he was holding gave off a little spurt of carbon dioxide. “Now?”

“No! Is there a back door out of the library? A window?”

Spike blinked. “There’s a window in the kitchen. But it’s about half your size.”

“I’ll diet! Wait! I’ll jump off the balcony.”

“No!” Twilight grabbed his tail in a firm magical grip as he sprinted up the stairs, leaving a trail of ribbons until she managed to drag him to a halt. “You can’t do that, you’ll break your neck!”

“It’ll be better than marrying her.”

“Get. Back. Down. Here,” muttered Twilight Sparkle, reeling the frantic earth pony down the stairs. In frustration, her magic flared violet and she simply picked him bodily up by the tail and brought him back into the lobby. “You’re panicking over nothing.”

“I’m panicking over something! Her!” His legs flailed frantically, attempting to propel him to the receding balcony.

“You’re going to need to stand up and face your father. If you don’t want to marry her, he can’t make you.”

Admittedly, standing up and facing his father would be easier if I was not holding him up in the middle of the library by his tail, but he needs calmed down first.

“Yes he can!” wailed the tutor, “Forced marriages are only illegal for commoners! Don’t do this to me! Please!”

“Hi Mr. and Mrs. Chrysanthemum,” called out Rainbow Dash cheerfully from her window perch. “They’re both inside waiting on you. Go on in.”

“Oh, no.” Green Grass froze, then curled up into a ball when Twilight sat him carefully down next to her.

“That’s better. Everypony listens to reason, even parents. Just stand right here next to me, and smile when they come in.” Twilight gave the trembling stallion a considering look, and promptly magicked his back hooves to the floor in case he decided to run away again instead of just babbling like he was now.

“You don’t understand, I don’t want to do this, please Twilight let me go, turn me into a newt or something, anything but this,” he whined as the scuffing noise of their visitors grew, and the library door glowed with the light blue of a unicorn aura.

A maniac light seemed to light in Green Grass’ eyes as the door began to open. He hissed, “Play along!” sharply as he grabbed Twilight Sparkle, giving her a big, wet kiss just as his parents walked in through the library door.

Ch. 12 - The Parents, The Fiancée, and the Fountain

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
The Parents, the Fiancée, and the Fountain

Twilight had just taken a breath to greet Green Grass’ parents and his fiancée as they walked into the library, when her vision of them was obstructed by the frantic stallion’s face in an action both so abrupt and so inept that for a moment, she was unaware she was actually being kissed. His lips were about as cold as ice cubes, but not nearly as moist, and he continued to breathe through his nose while ‘kissing.’ Whatever he intended it to be, it scrambled her thinking as effectively as if he had bucked her straight in the head.

Well, if he didn’t keep breathing, he’d pass out. Maybe I should get him a bag before he hyperventilates?

Buck that! He kissed you! Send him to the moon!

That was supposed to be a kiss? There must be a book in the library to help him.

He’s terrified. I can hear his heartbeat from here.

You idiot, that’s your heart! Moon! Moon! One piece at a time!

There was a noise like a plunger being withdrawn from a hopelessly stopped drain and the cold lips of the tutor quit... whatever they were doing. She still could not grace that awkward action with the name ‘kiss.’ Her concentration must have been rattled because he stepped forward to greet his parents without any resistance from her Sticktation spell on his hooves, leaving her with a close-up view of his twitching beribboned tail and a whiff of Herbal Essence #5 shampoo.

Fry him now! Fry him now!

That’s Fluttershy’s favorite shampoo. She must have done his mane. The girls must have had him tied up in the spa⁽*⁾ for hours.
(*)Literally.
—

They’ll be upset if I set their hard work on fire.

They’ll get over it! Fry him!

Princess Celestia will be upset if you lose control. Again.

Over the tutor’s shoulder, she could see his parents craning their necks to look at the strange mare their son was kissing when they walked in. Her own parents would have been scandalized, possibly shouting and demanding an explanation. His parents looked more fascinated as they appeared to recognize her, then gained a predatory glint to their faces that the fiancée was not comprehending at all.

Would their family gain more status by marrying him to the daughter of an Earl?

No. The daughter of an Earl has less status than Freifrau Sparkle von Twinkle, the Student of Princess Celestia. House Chrysanthemum would kill to get him married to you.

He’s using you. All he wants is the social status of being married to Princess Celestia’s student. Fry ‘em!

He’s introducing me, I had better say something. What do I say?

Pleasant's Guide to Pleasant Conversation, Page 14, Third Paragraph.

Stop being nice! The three of them probably set this up together! Fry ‘em all!

His voice sounds calm, but his tail is trembling like a leaf. I think he’s terrified.

While Green Grass and his parents talked, the fiancée had pulled a book off the shelf and was paging through it in an attempt to appear thoughtful and intellectual. It would have helped if she did not move her lips while she read. Turning the book sideways to look at the illustrations did not help either, and she probably should not have taken the book from the foals literature section if she was trying to impress anypony.

She’s perfect for him. He teaches foals, and she has the mind of a foal.

If she’s that bad, fine. Drag the two lovebirds to the Mayor and have them married today! Then fry him.

There has to be a solution here that does not involve frying. Violence is not the answer.

You’re not asking the right question!

There must be some way to resolve this problem to the satisfaction of all parties. Without frying.

Hey!

She can’t be that bad, she’s the daughter of an Earl.

Something in the book must have struck the fiancée as funny, because she pointed to the book and laughed. Any attempt at conversation in the room was blotted out for a full minute as the braying echoes slowly died, as well as some perfectly good hearing.

They’re perfect for each other. He can’t kiss, and she can’t laugh.

Well, you can’t dance either. Why doesn’t that make you perfect for him?

It’s more humane to fry him than to let him marry that. Do it!

If you let his father drag Green Grass off to be married to that… creature, Dinky will cry.

Hey! Unfair! He’s using you! You’re nothing to him but a stepping stone up the social ladder.

What would you do if your parents decided to force you into a marriage?

To a stallion who laughed like that? The Princess would never—

Princess Celestia wrote the law that lets his parents do this to him.

I’ve got to help him.

Despite everything Twilight Sparkle wanted to do, she lit up her horn and began to concentrate.

A unicorn’s horn allows them to exert great control over the physical world. What many do not realize is that the same horn allows them great control over their mental world too. In terms of raw magical power, Twilight was a 10⁽¹⁾, with a mind like a steel trap⁽²⁾. It took a mental focus greater than most unicorns could ever muster to even try a teleportation spell. Twilight could do it by accident while singing in the shower.
(1) Only because the exponential scale stopped at ten. Her evaluators at school tended to rank her somewhere between twelve and let’s go get a drink, I’m buying.
(2) Tightly wound, dangerous, and tending to violent action if disturbed.
—

Of course, she had to organize her mind first.

☑ - Housecleaning

Deep in the secluded depths of her mind lay a steel vault⁽³⁾ with reinforced door, into which she began to stuff her anger and rage at being used as a social stepping stone. Memories of being splashed in the face with water, and the fire extinguisher followed, then that infernal marble chip cake, the cluttered wagon, the feeling of his clammy lips on hers, and that defaced book. Especially that defaced book. The memories fought her grasp, but she was relentless in her pursuit, wrestling each of them into their prison and slamming the door viciously.
(3) A vault in metaphor only, although if there was a way to do it literally, Twilight would be the one.
—

☑ - Align incoming stimuli with appropriate responses

She sorted through the rest of her memories quickly, pulling up a few of the more helpful books and arranging them on top, stuffed near her verbal response center as to avoid any abrupt impolite reflexes. Pleasant's Guide to Pleasant Conversation was the first and foremost on the list. The day after Princess Celestia had her read the book, she had brought Twilight with her on one of the innumerable Royal Occasions she had been forced to attend. Twilight had taken it as a challenge, because the book claimed that it contained every single response one ever needed to say at a proper formal function. By the end of the night, she had proved them almost⁽⁴⁾ perfectly correct.
(4) Twilight had declined to write the author a note requesting a correction in the next edition because of the low probability any other pony would ever interrupt a social occasion with the cry, “Princess, your phoenix has stolen the Baroness’ wig!”
—

☐ - Survive the Day

A somewhat transcendental feeling much akin to floating filled her mind as she followed Green Grass and his parents around the town on a tutor-driven tour. Her unconscious mind took care of minor tasks like breathing, walking, and reflexive responses to the Baron’s questions. At the same time, her conscious mind took care of important things like keeping her face from knotting up into a vicious snarl while trapping little red flickers of rage as they were generated, and stuffing them into the mental prison with their peers.

It was getting crowded in there, and Twilight was becoming aware of just why the annoying green stallion seemed perfectly happy to live in a wagon instead of at home, in a mansion, with his parents. Nothing in town was acceptable to the two of them: The train station was shabby, the Carousel Boutique was tacky, the dining selections were subpar, their cuisine limited, every single pony in town was rude and the clock tower was five minutes⁽⁵⁾ fast.
(5) Time Turner claimed the clock tower was accurate, but the universe was just running five minutes slow. He was right.
—

Still, the parents annoyed her much less than the Earl of Pine Valley’s daughter, Bee Tress. Claiming that she was so looking forward to the wedding and the ‘nights afterwards, you know what I mean?’ did not bother Twilight as much as the fact she considered herself funnier than the funniest two ponies⁽⁶⁾ on the face of Equestria combined. Which triggered her Laugh.
(6) That would be Mane Cook and Laughing Stock
—

Twilight may not have been able to dance, but she knew how to laugh. There was the girlish giggle, muffled snicker, the embarrassed titter, the whole-hearted laugh, and the belly laugh. Rarity had even tried unsuccessfully to teach her various ladylike laughs, which all just sounded like titters to her ears.

Bee tended to start her Laugh with a deep breath, which triggered an instinctual wince in anypony who had been exposed to her for more than a few minutes. Then came the ‘Hoorach’, a raspy, cough-like spasm that seemed to drive a spike of tenor terror from the ears straight down the spine to the tail. Starting fairly high in her substantial vocal range, around C flat, she would then repeat that horrid sound in a glissando of descending notes, each one nearly a third of an octave apart until all the air had been expelled from her vast lungs at the stentorian bottom range of a note that rattled windows. Only when the victim's brain began to breathe that tiny sigh of relief at the worst being over would she then inhale with a mighty ‘Hhhhheeeeeaaaaahhhhhppp’ and proceed to repeat the process again. And again.

By the time Green Grass and his parents returned to the train station for their trip back to Canterlot, the secure vault she had been packing all of her anger in was starting to metaphorically bulge at the seams, with the creaking of steel under intense pressures. The restraint she had been exercising for what seemed like weeks was cracking under the strain. By the time the train holding the parents and fiancée started chuffing out of the station, she was hanging onto sanity by a thread. Thankfully the tutor remained quiet as the train left, standing under the train station awning after a nervous glance at the clear sky as if he expected a piano to drop on his head for some reason. The two of them waved at the departing train, identical fake smiles on their faces until the train finally vanished around a bend and Green Grass turned to her and said the one thing that snapped her last thread of willpower.

“That wasn’t that bad, was it?”

* * *

Five good friends sat together at an outside table in the fall afternoon sunshine, watching their sixth friend trot along after Green Grass and his family around the town. Very few words were spoken, because close friends have an empathy that is almost telepathic in nature. They just sipped their drinks and watched, wincing once in awhile when a mighty ‘Hoorach’ echoed through the town. Twilight looked far more resigned to her fate than furious, while even Spike had given up following with the fire extinguisher and reluctantly returned it to the library unused.

“Hi guys,” said the little dragon as he trotted up to the table and jumped into a seat. “Twilight still following the hydra around?”

“Spike!” announced Rarity with a sniff. “It’s impolite to call somepony’s fiancée such a rude name.” Another ‘Hoorach’ echoed around the town, and both of the fashionista’s ears flattened against her head until the echoes died. “She doesn’t sound like a hydra at all. Really.”

“It’s still hard to believe he was two-timing Twilight with that trollop,” grumbled Applejack. “A’m half tempted to drag him behind the woodshed and teach him a little ‘friendship lesson’ about dating other ponies while engaged.”

“Oh pl-ease.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “I heard his parents talking while in my boutique. They were quite excited that their youngest son was to wed the daughter of the Earl of Pine Valley. It would be a great social coup for their status among the nobility.”

With a dreamy smile, the fashionista brought one hoof up to her forehead and sighed. “Undoubtedly when our Twilight and the handsome young teacher first met, they immediately saw their fate as two star-crossed lovers in a world not of their own choosing. Him on the run from his overbearing parents attempting to press him into an unwanted marriage of convenience, and her young and innocent mind seduced with the possibility of rescuing the innocent lad from such a horrid fate. Their eyes met, their hearts flared with passion that could not be denied. Unable to escape each other’s embrace, they conspired to put on a show for the entire town to deceive us into thinking they were not in love, while in private, they have been secret lovers since—”

“Hey Rarity?” interrupted Rainbow Dash, throwing a bucket of metaphorical water on the fashionista’s fantasy. “He threw a bucket of water in her face. Twice. And I had to drag a cloud over to fill the fountain because Twilight said that’s where she said she’s sending him next.”

“Well.” Rarity took a sip of her drink. “It was only a theory...”

As the train slowly pulled away from the station, Rainbow Dash gave an exaggerated yawn. “Well, looks like all the fireworks are over. Heck, I was kind of hoping to see how far Twilight could throw the guy. I’ve been ready to go catch him all afternoon, and all they do is walk around. Pathetic. I still have a couple spots in the betting pool if anypony is interested. Still fifty bits.”

“Nope.”

“I’m good.”

“I believe I shall remain with my wager.”

“No, please.”

“How about you, Pinkie? You’ve gotten the closest so far.”

The pink party pony put down her Party Accessories and Artillery catalog with a frown and gasped before diving under the table. “Twitcha twitchy tail! Something’s going to fall out of the sky!”

* * *

The sick knot in the middle of his stomach had ever so slowly begun to unwind as Green Grass escorted his parents and his ‘fiancée’ out of the library and around town. Having Twilight Sparkle at his side was proving to be a gift from the heavens. She was just fantastic, far beyond his wildest expectations, responding to his father’s questions with perfect grace and phrasing as if she were reading out of a textbook. He had butted heads with the solid granite intransigence of the old geezer for his entire life, and all that infuriatingly stubborn resistance just melted like butter in a blowtorch with her presence.

And his mother, who never had anything nice to say about any mare he had ever dated in his life, had actually said out loud, “Nice wide hips for foals.” Not just one word of approval, but five. He had only restrained himself from a scream of happiness by looking at Twilight and her perfectly serene expression. She was taking the situation so well that it was completely catching him off-guard. His first impression of the beautiful mare had been of a scramble-brained, impulsive, antisocial bookworm with anger issues, but then again it was difficult to get a good first impression when you soak somepony with a bucket of water and then run from them in abject terror on the second meeting. A comparison between her and Bee Tress was literally impossible; one he would rather die than spend a week with, the other—

His mind crabbed sideways at the thought, returning to the difficult task of shepherding his parents through town without saying something stupid. It seemed to take forever, and took until they reached the train station before the last twist in his stomach unwound and he could breathe normally again.

Then came the most unexpected event of all. Right before his parents boarded the train with Bee, his father had taken him to one side and whispered in his ear.

“The Earl will be so disappointed when I tell him. Tough. Good work, Son.”

It was as if a ton of lead had been removed from his back, replaced by the need to jump up and down and point at his flank, screaming his joy to the world. He settled for scooting under the train station awning with Twilight just in case Fate had arranged to drop something out of the sky on his head.

The waiting for the train to depart was pure agony. Twilight Sparkle had been so patient, so kind. He owed her dinner every single night for the rest of the time he was going to be in town and a stack of gems the weight of her little dragon. There was literally no way he was ever going to be able to repay her. After all, what could he possibly get the private student of the Princess that she could not get with a single request?

The first thing he was going to do once the train got out of sight was to throw her the biggest party he could possibly afford, or more. No, she could get that from Pinkie Pie anytime she wanted. Buy her a dress? No, with a friend like Rarity, she would never be wanting for clothing. Food was right out because of Applejack’s fantastic cooking, and if she wanted a pet, Fluttershy could probably fill her entire house. That left flinging himself down in the dust and kissing her hooves in gratitude for about a week, which sounded pretty good about now. He turned with a genuine smile the moment the train was out of sight and tried to sound casual.

“That wasn’t that bad, was it?”

Déjà vu. A violet aura wrapped around him like a vice and yanked him straight up into the air, making his vision of Twilight Sparkle seem as if she were under a fluorescent party light.

It looked to be a short party.

“You spineless little worm,” she hissed, her streaked mane hovering around her head in an electrified cloud. “You used me. You’re too cowardly to face up to your own parents. Now they’re going back to my home city where they will tell everypony in town that their little darling is a… I don’t know! You are never going to take advantage of me again, do you hear me?! I said do you hear me?!”

The world seemed to be shaking around as Green Grass was rattled around inside the magical bubble, flailing back and forth while the light built to a blinding purple glare that seemed to go right through the eyes and into the back of the head. Finally, with an ear-splitting crack of imploding air, he vanished—

—to reappear high above the Ponyville fountain.

Green Grass dragged himself to the edge of the fountain and spat out a goldfish. “At least it’s not the moon.”

Ch. 13 - He Said, She Said

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
He Said, She Said

“Well, girls. It looks like you have another fine newspaper ready to print.” Cheerilee spread the galleys for the Foal Free Press⁽*⁾ across her school table and smiled at her students. Despite their ink stains and paper-dusty coats, they seemed energetic and eager to get back to work putting out the weekly student paper, even this early in the morning. “Just one little change and you can go to print. I like this article on the new unicorn magic tutor, but this section here was copied right out of Twerp’s Peerage. That’s plagiarism, and we can’t have that now, can we?”
(*) Faculty approval was required before printing for all issues of the Foal Free Press ever since the ‘Royal Cake Fiasco.’
—

“No, Miss Cheerilee,” chorused the students.

“I know there are some nice photos of him somewhere. Just clip out that section and glue in a picture before you go to press. I’ll be grading papers upstairs if you need me.”

Light rapping on the wagon door roused Green Grass from his fitful sleep, during that precious few minutes of half-awareness between the ringing of the alarm clock and the actual placement of one hoof outside the warm bed. Thankfully his warm blanket was neither purple, nor any form of female this morning. It was just itchy wool that justified a quick scratch and a hoof through the dedicated bachelor's tangled mane on the way to the door.

“Oh. Spike? What are you doing here so early in the morning?” The little purple dragon was standing patiently outside the wagon door, holding a box with the distinctive logo of Sugarcube Corner embossed across the top, and the definitive aroma of fresh pastry in the air.

“I just dropped by to bring you the cupcakes from yesterday and pick up payment for lunch. I left a note for Twilight to read if she gets out of her bed before noon.”

“Oh.” The tutor opened the box suspiciously. “It didn’t blow up, at least. These look a little fresher than yesterday’s pastries.”

“Well, I kind of ate the other ones during dinner. So last night at bedtime when Twilight told me to throw them at you today — not that I would ever do that — I had to go get some replacements first.”

Green Grass gave a sigh of regret that the bottles that had been nestled in the bottom of the basket last night were not included. Applejack made some fine products, and he was pretty sure what was in those bottles was highly flammable.

“Let me pay my lunch bill too, while I’m at it. Come on inside, don’t worry about where you put your feet, there’s no papers on the floor any more.” The stallion dug out a small bag of money and dropped it into Spike’s outstretched hand. “There you go. I counted it all up last night, and added a sizable tip.”

Spike frowned as he opened the bag. “It’s wet.”

“Well, yeah. You didn’t see what happened? Last night I made up my mind to go to the library and apologize. Sat one foot on the front doorstep and found myself treading air over the fountain. Again.”

“Yeah, she’s still mad at you.”

“Really? I got the hint the second time I tried to go to the door. My exit point seemed to be a bit higher that time. Bigger splash. And Rainbow yelled at me for wasting water.”

“Well, at least she’s dropping you in the fountain. She was so mad yesterday, I’m surprised you didn’t wind up in Froggy Bottom Bog.”

“Don’t give her any ideas on my behalf, please.” Green Grass stared morosely at the box of pastries and poked himself in the slightly fluffy stomach. “Too much pastry for one chubby little teacher to eat alone, I guess. Care to pull up a cushion and join in?”

“Don’t mind if I do.” The little dragon and the tutor munched quietly for a while, the dragon looking around at the miniature library surrounding them while obviously suppressing his questions, and the tutor not volunteering any answers. Green Grass pulled out the drawer with his neatly stacked research notes and sighed before shoving the drawer closed.

“I just don’t feel like restarting my thesis project right now. Spike, how much does Twilight really know about you?”

The little dragon gave a shrug as he took a bite of another cupcake. “About everything ponies know about dragons, I suppose. She’s lived with me since she hatched my egg.”

“Hm. Interesting.” Green Grass pulled a book off the shelves at random and hefted it. “Spike, how much is this book worth?”

“Resale or replacement cost?”

“Both.”

“Twenty seven bits used, sixty five new.”

“You did that without even looking at the title, or opening it up. How?”

Spike looked puzzled. “I don’t know. I’ve always been able to do that. Why do you ask?”

The tutor pulled three books off the shelf and placed them in front of Spike. “Got these when I started my thesis research: Fodor's Dragon Compendium, Dragons Through the Ages, and The Reptilian Threat: Dragons in our Midst. Three of the most detailed reference books on dragons in Equestria, and they contradict each other on each page. I think the Ponyville library has copies of all three. Where are they right now?”

“Fodor’s is on the shelf, Dragons Through the Ages is in the bathroom⁽¹⁾, and Twilight has the third one hidden under her bed. Why?”
(1) The Smallest Library is where dedicated bibliophiles tend to collect the very best of their books, normally a location where they can be perused at length without the distractions of the day interfering with their enjoyment. This location tends to be a very small room with a lockable door, a sink, and a toilet. Due to the Golden Oak Library in Ponyville only having one bathroom, there was also a rather strictly enforced time limit for visitation, along with a ‘No Moving The Bookmarks’ rule.
—

Green Grass held up one hoof. “Humor me. How many books does she have under her bed. Exactly.”

“Thirty four.” The dragon’s face furled in concentration. “How do you know I knew that?”

Green Grass stuck the books back on the shelf. “Behold the fearsome draconus vulgarus and his treasure hoard. It is said that a dragon knows where every single bit of his treasure is located and its worth. You, my fine scaly friend, are a true dragon indeed. Just don’t go forgetting that the purpose of a public library is to loan books out, not to be your own personal treasure.”

Spike chuckled. “You sure know your dragons.”

“No. Not really.” Green Grass waved at the books while letting his breath out in a huff. “If so, I would not have watered the two of you so vigorously when we first met. When I started on my thesis, I studied what little we know about dragons; Twilight Sparkle knows about you and cares about you deeply, Spike. I think she’s doing the world a vast disservice by not sitting down and writing your autobiography. It’s not that the things we know about dragons are so few, it’s that so many of the things we know are not so.”

He stood up abruptly, crossing the wagon’s living space in one step to retrieve a small, red-covered book. “I want you to have this. Back when I first left home and started teaching, I bought this diary so I could write down all the exciting things that were going to happen to me.”

Spike took the book and flipped through it. “It’s blank?”

“Yeah, my life wasn’t as exciting as I thought. Until recently. I think it would be a good idea for you to have it now. If you write down everything that happens to you, and just what it feels like to be a dragon, I’ll be willing to bet some literary agent will offer you a huge bundle of bits to turn it into a book someday. With Twilight’s permission, of course. There must be thousands of ponies who would just love to know what it’s like to be a dragon. You could put out a new edition every few years, and build quite an impressive hoard.”

“I think you’re right.” Green Grass could swear the little dragon was just a bit taller than he was before as he tucked the diary into his bag with a smile. “Twilight’s going to flip when I tell her.”

“Just don’t tell her you got it from me. I think she’s still miffed. How long does she hold a grudge, anyway?”

“I think she’s still mad at the doctor who slapped her rump when she was born. Does that help?” Spike gave him a silly grin which made the tutor snort in laughter.

“No. Probably not. I just feel conflicted, that’s all. My parents have finally gotten off my flank about who they want me to marry, which makes me so happy inside I could just float around the town. And I did it by making your Twilight feel rotten, which just lets all the air out of my balloon. I was so desperate when my parents walked in that I would have kissed you and told them we were hopelessly in love if I thought it would have gotten me free.”

“Hey, my heart is taken. Even though it might be fun traveling around with you in your little portable library here, I’m afraid I must decline your proposal.”

Both of them broke out in chuckles at the thought, with Green Grass rising to the occasion with an over-exaggerated sarcastic bow. “Oh noble dragon. Do not cast my heart aside for the love of your fair lady. For although I am but an itinerant scholar, my heart is truly bound by chains to your radiant countenance; your scales shine like amethyst, your fins have the radiance of lustrous emeralds… and you’re drooling.”

“Hey, you’re the one talking about food. You really need to apologize directly to Twilight though.”

“Oh no!” Green Grass sat down with a thump. “No, no, no! The last few times I’ve tried, things have only gotten worse, and I’m getting waterlogged. I’m taking no chances this time. Letters and avoidance from a distance will be my refuge. Maybe an apology letter would work better if delivered to her teacher.”

The tutor struck up his best theatrical pose, sweeping his hat down as he bowed to one knee. “Oh most radiant Princess of the Sun. I beg a boon of thee, please send conciliatory words to the fair maiden of my heart so that she may forgive my horrid transgression against her and warm her heart to my affections. My words were poorly spoken and my actions without regard to the honor of her House and WHY ARE YOU WRITING THAT DOWN?! Spike! Give me that! Give! Me! That!” Green Grass snatched the paper from the dodging dragon with his teeth and began to chew vigorously, not stopping until all the evidence was consumed.

“Oh, that was good,” laughed Spike, still laying on his back and holding his stomach after their game of ‘catch.’ “Are you sure you don’t want me to put in a good word for you with the Princess? One little letter? A brief note attached to one of Twilight’s friendship reports?”

“No! Oh, no. I really didn’t think this through!” Green Grass rested his forehead against the bookshelf and thumped it quietly. “I just had to jump straight from the frying pan right into the fire. What do you think is going to happen when the Princess finds out what my parents think, and she asks Twilight about me?”

“I think unscrambling your thesis will be the least of your problems.”

* * *

Lunch at Gustav's had been spread all across the outdoor table in a prodigious array of fine dining dishes that had almost been grazed down to the bare plates by the six young mares in attendance. As in any shared dining experience, there were certain participants who ate much more than others. In particular, the athletic Rainbow Dash and Applejack were neck-and-neck in what appeared to be a corn on the cob eating contest. And on the flip side, there were always diners who made do with a lettuce leaf and a few sprouts, which in this case was Fluttershy, and today, Twilight Sparkle.

“Really, darling. You need to eat. It’s been days!”

Twilight Sparkle impaled a poor fragment of salad on her fork and regarded it with disdain. From the point of view of the vegetable kingdom, Twilight could have been arrested for Salad Murder in the First Degree, With Exceptional Circumstances. Around her plate, tiny remnants of innocent cucumbers and radishes lay in pools of salad dressing, shreds of carrots draped their bodies across the sides of the bowl, and tiny bits of lettuce whose bodies had been chopped and rechopped into unrecognizable mush curled around the bottom of the bowl in unspeakable vegetable agony.

“I’m not hungry. I’m upset. And none of you are helping! No, no, no! I don’t mean that! All of you are helping me this week with all your support and care. You’re the best bunch of friends in the world, but you’re driving me crazy! Pinkie Pie, I know you mean well, but please stop planning for the wedding reception. Rarity, I hope that wedding gown you’ve been working on is for somepony else, because I’m not getting married. Applejack, I know you and Big Mac mean well, but I really don’t want you to take the little creep out and ‘educate’ him. Rainbow Dash, I know you think this is so entertaining, but will you please stop hovering overhead whenever I’m outside of the library, and Fluttershy—” Twilight broke off and looked up at the birds in the surrounding trees, quietly whistling ‘Marechiare’ while leaning together in pairs. “Never mind.”

“Now look here, sugarcube,” started Applejack with a reassuring hoof on her shoulder. “Ah know you’re upset about… whatever it was that green meanie done did to you, and you know we’re all here for ya whenever you want.”

“Thank you,” sniffed Twilight, blowing her nose on a napkin. “You all are such good friends.” She smiled bravely and prodded her liquefied salad, managing to spear a limp piece of mostly intact carrot before Rainbow Dash spoke up.

“So what did he do?”

Rarity gasped and threw a foreleg around Twilight in sympathy. “Rainbow Dash, I cannot believe you would be so callous as to ask that kind of question from our dear, beloved friend. I’m certain that when she recovers from her horrid experience, she’ll be more than happy to fill us in on all the details.” The fashionista leaned close to Twilight and fluttered her eyelashes. “Don’t be shy, we’re all friends here.”

“No! I’m not telling you! It’s too embarrassing.”

“Oooo, it must have been something really horrible!” shouted Pinkie Pie while bouncing around the table. “Did he forget your anniversary?”

“No.”

“Did he hurt poor Owlowiscious?” asked Fluttershy with just the tiniest bit of razor-edged menace in her soft voice.

“No.”

“You ain’t—” Applejack lowered her voice and glanced around as if there were evesdroppers behind every tree⁽²⁾ in the dining area “—with foal, are you?”
(2) Which there were. Hey, it’s a small town.
—

“No! Eww! I only met him a few days ago! What would make you think that?”

“Well…” Applejack bumped her hat with one buttery hoof and pushed aside a pile of clean corn cobs before answering with an embarrassed scowl. “Apple Bloom done told me you come out of his trailer that one morning all rumpled and wet, and asked if the two of you were wrasslin’. Ah told her no, and she asked if you two were—”

“NO!” Twilight Sparkle knocked her salad over as she lunged halfway across the table at the embarrassed farmer. “I mean... what did you tell her we were doing? Which we weren’t!”

“Ah told her you were probably borrowing a book.”

“A book! Yes, that’s it. I went over to his bedroom— I mean library, to borrow a book!”

“That’s strange,” said Rarity, touching one hoof to her lips in ladylike thought. “Sweetie Belle said you weren’t carrying a book. And that you said some… Well, let’s just say unladylike things outside his door.”

“He wouldn’t let me do it! I had just gotten started, and couldn't finish it. Do you know how frustrating that is?”

“Yes. Eep!” Fluttershy blushed crimson and hid behind a menu.

“The book! I meant the book!” She put her head down on the table and sobbed. “He took advantage of me in my own library.”

There was a scraping noise as Applejack shoved her chair away from the table and growled, “Ah’m getting Big Mac.”

“No, no, no! Not that way!” Twilight maintained a tight magical grip on Applejack’s tail until she voluntarily returned to the lunch table. “H-h-he kissed me.”

“He kissed ya?”

“Because you wanted to borrow his book?”

“Is ‘book’ a euphemism for something else? Like cupcakes?”

“Wait a moment, Twilight darling.” Rarity patted her gently on the foreleg until Twilight Sparkle had quit crying. “When you say ‘kissed’, do you mean a gentle pressing of the lips upon the cheek indicating a platonic affection to another, somewhat akin to being very good friends who would be willing to do anything for each other like this?” Moving as fast as a striking rattlesnake, Rarity planted her lips on Applejack’s cheek with the tiniest of smacking noises.

“Rares! What in tarnation—”

“Or did you mean the heartfelt expression of passion, long concealed behind a mask of steel for one that you adore beyond words but could never find the courage to express in physical form until at long last the fires of love exploded into a volcano of desire, overwhelming your innermost willpower until you could not resist the temptation to— Where did Applejack go?”

“I’m up here,” filtered down a voice from the nearby trees. “And I ain’t coming down until she quits puckering up.”

“Oh bother. Anyway,” Rarity ran a hoof through her elaborate manestyle and looked deeply into Twilight’s eyes. “What was it like?”

“Horrible. Like kissing a— Wait a minute, I’m not upset that he kissed me. I’m upset why he kissed me. He used me to get out from under his parents’ plans to marry him to the Lady Bee Tress.”

“That horrible gal what gots a laugh like a foghorn?” asked Applejack, carefully picking her way back down out of the tree.

“Who called my shop—” Rarity shuddered “—provincial?”

“The one who said I used artificial butter in my cupcakes?”

“She shrieked at my squirrel friends,” said Fluttershy quietly.

“Yes! That one! He kissed me after our date— No, it wasn’t a date! Our apology dinner! He’s the fourth child of Baron Chrysanthemum according to Twerp’s Peerage—”

“Oh Twilight,” giggled Pinkie Pie. “You Twerp’d your date?”

“Yes! I mean No! It wasn’t a date! His parents set up an arranged marriage between him and the Earl of Pine Valley’s daughter. He wanted to get out of it, so he kissed me in front of them to make it look like we were already dating, and it made me so mad I could have just… Why are you all looking at me that way?”

“Well, Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash, carefully edging away from Rarity. “No offence, but you walked all around town with him, and I didn’t see any kissing or anything. The two of you looked pretty happy, actually.”

“No, he kissed me in the library. I walked around town with him and his parents afterwards because... Well, because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings in front of his parents, I guess.” Six sets of astonished eyes stared at her, unable to fully comprehend why she would be that angry at a stallion she had walked around town with for the whole afternoon.

Wait a minute. Six?

Twilight glared at the mailmare, who had stopped to hover around the table with some letters in her mouth. “Yes, Ditzy?”

“Mail for you. Bills, bills, junk mail, and a nice big envelope here for your coltfriend.” The mailmare smiled shyly and pointed off in the distance where a green pony could be seen next to the fountain. “I think he misses you. All during Dinky’s lessons, if there’s a noise outside, he’s always right there looking to see if it was you. The two of you make a cute couple, but you should try being more discreet. Dinky keeps asking if you are sleeping together ever since her whole class saw you come out of his… whatever that thing he lives in is called.”

“Welcome Wagon?” suggested Pinkie.

“Love Nest,” said Fluttershy with a poignant sigh.

“Boudoir de Book,” said Rarity definitively.

“Trailer of Love,” said Applejack with a smirk.

“Bookmobile,” declared Rainbow Dash. “Mobile Eggheadquarters? The A-OK Corral? The Nerd Nooky Nook?”

With a hiss of repressed anger, Twilight stood up, the letter crumpling into a tight ball inside her powerful magical field.

“Hey lovercolt!” she bellowed. “The wedding’s off!” A purple streak heralded the departure of the wadded-up letter from their vicinity, to reappear with a far-off smacking noise and a splash at the fountain.

“Nice shot,” complemented Applejack as the target began to pull himself out of the fountain in the distance. “Right in the forehead and at this range.”

“I was aiming for his rump,” grumbled Twilight as she started stomping off to the library. “I was hoping to knock some sense into his brain.”

“You know,” said Rarity once the librarian was far enough away to be safe⁽³⁾, “I’m so glad Twilight has good friends like us to help with problems when she needs it.”
(3) For Twilight Sparkle’s experienced friends, ‘safe distance’ had been defined as ‘across the town, inside the library and the door closed.’
—

Off in the distance, the damp problem in question could be seen dancing in joy around the fountain, holding the opened letter and whooping at the top of his lungs.

“Green Grass is taking news of his wedding being cancelled fairly well, don’t you think?”

...with the greatest of regrets that I will be unable to give my daughter to you in matrimony due to her recently being betrothed to Lord Cedar. Despite his hearing loss, he shall be a welcome addition to our family, as he runs the largest lumbering business in the northern portion of our lands. We wish you luck in your future endeavors with the Lady Sparkle of House Twinkle.
Sloped Flank, Earl of Pine Valley

Ch. 14 - Basic Mothering Instinct

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Basic Mothering Instinct

Princess Celestia was an extremely well-informed leader, quite nearly the most informed leader Equestria had ever seen on the throne of Canterlot. She devoured reports the way starving ponies ate cupcakes, went through every weekly status report from the various embassies by herself each week, read news articles, magazines⁽*⁾ and scandal sheets with great enthusiasm, and did the crosswords perfectly. In ink.
(*) Including those magazines. But just for the articles.
—

The only better-read pony in all of the lands was her sister Luna, who was working tirelessly to catch up with a thousand years of backlogged newspaper subscriptions⁽¹⁾ in addition to the same reading Princess Celestia did each day. It was well known that both Princesses read all kinds of newspapers, magazines, scandal sheets, and even the odd racing form. What was not well known is they also read student-run school papers, in particular, the Foal Free Press.⁽²⁾
(1) And letters to editors, some of whom had been dead for centuries, but still needed a proper response to their foolish ideas.
(2) Ever since what has been known as “The Cake Fiasco” in 1304 A.D. (After diet)
—

Princess Celestia turned a page on her morning newspaper.

She took another sip of tea, and turned another page.

The air barely quivered with a tiny noise only detectable by irritable yappy dogs and specially trained palace servants. The Day Steward, Proper Place, dunked his quill in his inkwell and prepared to take a note. For over forty years, he had been at the side of the Princess, rain or shine or unearthly invasion of unmentionable evil abominations from the depths of Tartarus. Nothing surprised him⁽³⁾ anymore. Carefully composed notes from the Princess in his hornwriting had shifted millions of tons of steel in Fillydelphia, sent zeppelins filled with Royal Guard to the far corners of Equestria, brought food aid to hungry ponies and even had organized the massive Lunar Remodeling that had swept over the castle once Princess Luna had returned. He was ready for anything.
(3) Except Pinkie Pie, which is understandable.
—

There was a tiny clink as the Princess placed her Yixing teacup down on the matching saucer, but before she could say a word, the doors to the study burst open and Princess Luna came trotting in, towing a veritable blizzard of newspaper pages magically behind her.

“My sister, have you seen this? Do you know what it means?”

“Yes, Luna.” Turning to Proper Place, Princess Celestia nodded. “Please see that Captain Shining Armor is restricted to Canterlot for the next few weeks. Clear my schedule for tomorrow and see that my chariot is prepared for a trip. I feel like taking some air.”

“Very well, Your Highness. Will you be attending the Running of the Leaves in Ponyville during your morning air?” The scratching of Proper Place’s pen never stopped as Princess Celestia gave him a sideways glance.

“Possibly. You may be excused.”

“Thank you, Your Highness. I shall go make preparations for your trip. Please pass our best wishes to your favorite student and the young tutor on behalf of the entire staff.” The elderly unicorn trotted away with a spring in his step that defied his advanced age.

“Some days I think we’re the last ponies on the face of the planet to find out current events,” said Princess Celestia with a sigh. “So what is bothering you this beautiful morning, little sister?”

Luna waved the student newspaper irritably. “I’m out fifty bits.”

* * *

Green Grass squinted in the morning sunlight that poured through the door as the little dragon walked into his wagon. “Hey, Spike! Glad you could make it again. Thanks for volunteering to help me put my thesis back together again.”

“Hey, no problem. I’ve been picking up behind Twilight’s mess for years.” The little dragon took a look around the tidy wagon’s living quarters/library/study. “I still can’t believe she actually cleaned up for a change, and that’s the problem? I wish I could get her to do that around our library.”

A pained chuckle was the only way Green Grass could respond. “Well, I’ll admit it looked pretty bad. Why is it the female of any species is unable to look at a couple dozen open books on the floor and a hundred pages of notes scattered around them without seeing clutter?”

“Maybe because they weren’t her books? Oh, you have cookies!”

“Help yourself. The bad part is I’m not quite sure where to start. I feel like I’m looking at a plate full of scrambled eggs, trying to figure out how to make chickens.” Green Grass pulled out the two drawers full of notes and scowled at his bookshelves. “I can’t even remember exactly which books I had down.”

Spike scratched a fin while looking at the bookshelves. “I bet Twilight knows a spell that could find them. She’s the most powerful unicorn in Equestria; something like this would be easy.”

“No! Look, Spike. I’ve screwed up her life enough, and vice versa. I put my thesis together by myself once, I can do it again.” Green Grass looked at the drawers full of neatly stacked papers and shoved them back into the cabinet. “It took me six months the first time. I suppose I can wait a few more days. What do you say we go catch breakfast somewhere? I can tell you all about how the Dragons were involved in the Battle of Pericorn Heights, and how they factored in the eventual treaty between the Griffons and Princess Celestia while we eat. I’m buying.”

* * *

Fall in the greenhouse is a busy time of year, as certain varieties of roses were pulled inside to overwinter in frost-free environments, and some covered with mulch. Roseluck was carefully walking Tootsie Flute through the differences between heading cuts and thinning cuts for the fall pruning of her rosebushes, while Green Grass was supervising Dinky and Snips’ attempt at a bonsai evergreen tree.

They were improving by leaps and bounds. This third tree was still looking vaguely tree-like and had at least a good chance of surviving if quickly planted and watered. The victims of the student pruning were all overgrown landscaping trees that had outgrown their burlap root balls and would have been thrown out anyway, so there was no great loss, but Green Grass’ mind was miles away as his students trimmed.

“Hey, Mister Green Grass. What were you and Twilight doing that morning our class went to the library?” Snips had a fierce look of concentration on his face as he nipped off one small twig after another inside the evergreen bush Dinky was holding for him, but he still managed to look dangerously curious.

“She wanted to borrow a book from my library.” True, as far as they need to know.

The faint noises of snipping continued, but the bush bobbled a little when Dinky spoke up. “So you’re not sleeping with her?”

“No. She sleeps in the library, and I sleep in my wagon.” All except for one night, and they don’t need to know that either.

“So why was she all wet when she came out of the wagon, and why was the wagon all bouncing and stuff?” Snips had the innocently curious look down perfectly as he asked, but Dinky looked suspiciously embarrassed, as if she knew the answer to the question, but did not want to look overly adult-like to her peer group by saying it.

“Well, my wagon doesn’t have fire protection spells on it like the library, so I keep a bucket of water handy just in case of fires. There was an accident, and some of the water spilled on her.” Technically true again. I meant to throw the whole bucket on her, but I slipped.

“Wait a minute, I heard you kissed her?” Roseluck looked a bit shocked at having actually asked the question herself, and accidentally bumped Tootsie Flute enough that the little filly snipped the entire top out of a rosebush.

He tried not to blush and pass it off as some sort of joke, which was difficult considering just how much Spike had talked about the emotional pain he had put Twilight through. “Once, in her library, but it was a horrible kiss. The fine young mare had the decency not to chastise me for my clumsy and unwelcome efforts in front of my parents—” and my fiancée, but let’s not mention that “—but once they were gone, she dropped me in the fountain as I justly deserved for trying to kiss her.”

A look of universal disgust crossed all the student’s little faces, Snips most of all. “Ewww.”

“So are you two still friends?” asked Dinky, almost dropping the evergreen bush.

“Err...” started the tutor, trailing off with a glance in the direction of the library. “Yeah, I suppose. Once she calms down enough for me to talk to her.” Probably next year.

If he had not been looking at the library, he might have been able to catch the knowing look that was passed around the greenhouse at his knee level between his students.

* * *

“Spike! What do you think you’re doing?” Twilight Sparkle stuck a bookmark in her reading material as the little dragon moved the ladder over to retrieve another book. There was already a tidy little pile to one side, and she glanced over the titles.

“Entropy Enabled? Probability in Poisson Distributions? Is Rainbow Dash looking for another poker strategy? Because at this rate, in a month she’ll just bring her money in and throw it in the middle of the card table with a sign saying ‘Free — Take It.’”

“Very funny, Twilight. I’m helping with a research project for Sparkler. She’s going to see if Green Grass’ thesis can be unscrambled.”

“I don’t know, Spike. Entropy spells can be pretty tricky, and Sparkler is a novice at that kind of spell.” Twilight Sparkle glowered at the pile of books before giving a sigh of resignation. “Would you like me to try?”

“Do you promise not to dunk Green Grass in the fountain again?”

“I dunk him in the fountain one time and you— Okay, twice. But— Well, four times if you count hitting him in the head with that letter, but that was an accident. Him falling in the fountain, not hitting him with the letter.” Twilight tapped one hoof against the desk while thinking.

“No, I can’t do it. Everypony already thinks the two of us are — bleh! — an item. If I go spend time over at his ‘love wagon,’ they’ll just draw more conclusions.” She returned to her reading reluctantly, only casting occasional glances at the books the little dragon was collecting.

* * *

Nights in Ponyville were always quiet, with few evening activities other than Berry’s bar and the occasional all-night dance at the town hall. Still, Twilight Sparkle double-checked to make certain Spike was really asleep before slipping out into the darkness on an errand of curiosity. There was no guilt involved in her trip. None at all. Even though she had dunked him four times in the fountain, while he had only splashed her twice with a bucket. Well, and she had shouted at him, and scrambled six months worth of his work, and gotten dangerously angry at him while he had been… Oh who was she kidding? There was a little spike of guilt buried in her side that itched whenever she thought about the hapless stallion.

I’m just going to make this a short trip. He’s going to apologize for making my life a living— Twilight, stop that. I’m going to apologize for dropping him in the fountain, and he’s going to tell the world that I’m not some amorous bimbo with designs on his… library. Actually, his father’s library. Actually, a subset of his father’s enormous library. And once everypony recognizes that the two of us are not romantically engaged in any way or fashion… his father will try to marry him off again.

Twilight’s hooves slowed until she realized what she was doing, and started trotting through the night again with determination.

It doesn’t matter! His father can marry him off to a manticore for all I care. It had better be a literate manticore, I suppose. Anyway, he declares the two of us are not an item, and I’ll slip into his wagon some night and put all the papers back the way I found them. If I can. There has to be a way to do it, but it’s going to be difficult. Sparkler would probably mess up the spell, maybe even set his house on fire. Which he deserves! But that would upset Sparkler, and maybe even set her magical progress back. That would not be good for Dinky. No, there is no reason to use magic to put his thesis together. He should be able to put the whole thing back together without magic; after all, he put it together without magic in the first place, and ruined a library book doing it!

As she crept up to where the tutor’s wagon was parked next to Berry Punch’s house, she soon realized there were others who were also interested in the nighttime activities of the annoying stallion. There was a small group of fillies precariously perched on the roof of Berry Punch’s porch who were trying to peek into the tutor’s wagon window. Once she cast her eavesdropping spell⁽⁴⁾, the whispered voices of the Cutie Mark Crusaders became crystal-clear.
(4) She preferred to think of it as an Audio Amplification Spell, for Special Situations Only.
—

“Stop pushing.”

“Well, I can’t see in the window?”

“Shh, he’ll hear us.”

“Do you see Twilight in there?”

“No, just him.”

“Is he writing mushy love poetry?”

“No, he just has a stack of papers he’s looking through. I think he’s crying.”

“It must be my test results. I just can’t make more than sparks, no matter how hard I try.”

“Does Green Grass think you can get your cutie mark in magic like Twilight?”

“No, he’s been awfully distracted lately. He grins, then looks sad and stares off into space. It’s weird.”

“Maybe he’s pining. It’s something old ponies are supposed to do when their special somepony isn’t around.”

“Grownups are weird. I’m bored, can we go back inside?”

Twilight remained hiding behind the corner of a building for a while until the little fillies gave up their nighttime espionage, trotting back into Berry’s house for an ongoing sleepover with one of their classmates. What had seemed like a good idea in her library was rapidly turning into a metaphorical mental cliff, and she perched at the metaphorically crumbling edge, looking down at the wagon with real fear at having to speak with him. She was still struggling with the decision when the lights went out in the wagon, and she slowly returned to her own library through the dark streets, lost in her thoughts.

* * *

It was getting quite late in the afternoon before the halls outside of the Royal Study rang to the sounds of armored shoes in a pattern that Princess Celestia had been expecting for hours. The pony wearing those shoes stopped outside the door for some low conversation with the guards, then there was a light tapping at the door.

“Enter,” she called out, concealing her smile by shuffling through the reports she had finished reading some time ago.

Shining Armor opened the door and marched forward formally, drawing himself up to full attention in front of her and saluting. “Your Highness. Captain Shining Armor requesting one day’s leave for personal reasons.”

“Request denied. Will there be anything else, Captain?” Princess Celestia continued sorting through her evening correspondence as if there were nothing unusual about a Guard Captain skipping the entire chain of command to request leave from his sovereign.

“No, Your Highness. May I have your leave to be dismissed?”

Celestia waved a hoof dismissively, and added, “By the way, you will get the same answer from my sister, in the event you were intending on visiting her next.”

Shining Armor stopped in his tracks. “I would never think of circumventing Your Highness’ authority.”

“Nor involving soldiers of mine under your leadership to interfere in the personal relationship of your sister?”

“Uh…” Shining Armor tried hard not to think of Stone Hoof and Axe⁽⁵⁾, who were waiting for him with transportation to Ponyville for a little nighttime ‘talk’ with a certain undesired stallion.
(5) Contrary to his name, Axe was a very peaceful Royal Guard. Whenever he showed up (or loomed up depending on your point of view), whatever disruption or fight that had been going on just tended to evaporate, leaving ponies with missing teeth smiling and shaking hooves while they remarked just how pleasurable the evening air was, and how regretful it was that they had an urgent appointment at the other end of town as soon as they had helped clean up the broken furniture and put the doors back in their frames.
—

Princess Celestia’s warm violet eyes looked up from her correspondence and locked onto Shining Armor’s hapless gaze. “Your sister respects you enough not to pry into your own personal relationships, do you think you can respect her enough not to go physically abuse her young paramour? If her relationship with this young stallion is beneficial, it deserves to be left alone to blossom in the manner they wish. If not—“ Princess Celestia returned to her reports with a tiny frown “—you may deal with the leftovers, if any.”

The young Guard Captain nodded respectfully. “Thank you, Your Highness. Will there be anything else?”

“Just one thing. My niece has been sounding rather cooped up inside the castle as of late. I believe it would do her well to get out this evening for a chariot ride after sunset. Luna has promised a meteor shower in the early hours of night which should be quite entertaining. Do you think you could arrange for a chariot, and a few of the more discretionary guards in our employ to fly it? I was thinking young Stone Hoof and Axe, because they make quite a remarkable⁽⁶⁾ pair.”
(6) Much like matching mountains.
—

“Yes, Your Highness. I believe I can arrange that. Thank you.”

“Very well, then. You are dismissed. Enjoy the flight, but don’t keep the guards up too late. I have need of them in the morning, as well as the chariot.”

Ch. 15 - The Running of the Heaves

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Running of the Heaves

Morning was supposed to bring new enlightenment from the Muses, flushing away the tattered edges of night and allowing new light to illuminate problems in new ways. In Green Grass’ case, it merely brought a beam of light into his upper window, illuminating his one-room residence and allowing him to turn off the lantern that he had carefully lit when his alarm went off this morning. Twice he had pulled out the heavy drawers filled with neatly stacked thesis notes, ready to begin the long and arduous task of reassembling his thesis, and twice he had jammed them back into their storage untouched.

Spike was right. I have not solved my problem, just crammed the majority of it over to a fine young mare on a temporary basis while my own problem will come back full-sized to smack me in the head about five minutes after my parents discover I’m not really romantically entangled with Princess Celestia’s student. My actions have caused Twilight Sparkle’s sterling reputation to be besmirched for years to come, while my one worthwhile attempt to escape my parents’ misplaced desire to make me ‘happy’ is now carefully stored in two stupid drawers, arranged alphabetically, and totally useless. Just like me. It was no wonder she dumped me in the fountain. I should have just stayed in it and held my head underwater. I wonder if Miss Dewey needs a pool-colt at that retirement stable.

A firm rapping at the wagon door distracted him from the realities of life for all too brief a time. “Come on in, Spike. It’s open.”

The knocking continued, making him grace the unopened door with a glare before rising to his hooves to answer it with a grumble. “This had better be important.”

“Yes?” he snapped as he yanked open the door, only to find himself staring into the light-violet eyes of Princess Celestia, who was standing casually at the wagon door with her hoof upraised as if to knock again. The world faded out from his sight, and he collapsed in the doorway in a dead faint.

“You vant us to do anything, Your Highness?” ventured a hefty, blonde-maned Royal Guard pegasus at her side. The Germane roots of his origin were blatantly obvious from his short blonde manecut to a thick accent that could have been cut with a knife, or at least the short-bladed axe slung across his back. His near-twin on the other side of the Princess gave him a quelling look with a short shake of his head and a light tap of one oversized hoof that did little to suppress Axe’s normally garrulous nature.

“No, I think not. Give him a moment.” Princess Celestia took a step back from the unconscious tutor and hoped her sister was not feeling too melodramatic.

A thick meadow spread out in all directions to the extent of his vision in low, rolling hills illuminated by a nighttime sky so filled with stars as to feel like cool sunshine. A light breeze ruffled his mane as Green Grass jumped to his hooves, only to have Princess Luna descend regally from the sky and land directly in front of him.

“HOLD, MISCREANT. WE ONLY WISH TO— DARN.” There was a faint ‘pop’ as the green-coated tutor woke up and vanished from the Dreamscape.

“Aaahhh!” screamed Green Grass, sitting bolt upright in the doorway to his wagon. “That was the most horrible drea—” His eyes caught a glimpse of Princess Celestia with two massive Royal Guards behind her, and he fainted again.

“You sure you not vant us to do anything, Your Highness?” asked the Royal Guard again, gesturing with a wing. “I could go get a bucket of vatter, no problem.”

“Stars forbid,” gasped Princess Celestia, one hoof across her chest in exaggerated shock. “Just give Luna a moment.”

Green Grass reappeared on the same richly pastured hills, with the same indigo alicorn princess standing sternly in front of him. “CEASE YOUR INFERNAL WHINING. WE HAVE—”

With another ‘pop’, the Dreamscape became slightly emptier.

“Aaaahhhh!” Green Grass sat bolt upright again, his head glancing off the doorframe this time. “That was the most horrible dream. Again. Oh, wait.” He looked back up and straight into the eyes of Princess Celestia again, collapsing with a much more solid thud against the floor of his wagon this time.

“Really no trouble, Your Highness. Ze fountain is right over there.”

“No.”

Green Grass struggled to stand up again, although instead of a grassy meadow, the dark ground under his hooves was strangely springy and some slick substance covered his head, feeling suspiciously like satin sheets. He finally shook off the sheet and looked around what appeared to be a bedroom, if such a bedroom were to be decorated entirely in a lunar motif and illuminated by starlight. From the mahogany four-poster bed so large it could have held a dozen ponies, to the twinkling of gems in the walls in patterns that could only be constellations, there was no furnishing that did not shout, or at least whisper the name of Princess Luna.

A dark shadow seemed to peel off the wall, approaching the bed with a sinuous gait. “I sense thy fear for our royal form, so I hath moved thy Dreamscape to a place of no fear, and taken a form thou shalt view more pleasurably.” The shape emerged into the starlight, with a purple coat and streaked mane looking exactly like Twilight Sparkle.

Except with the sultry eyes of a goddess.

There was another sharp pop, and the bed was once again empty.

“Aaaaaahhhhh!” screamed Green Grass, scrambling around inside the wagon’s back door until he found the fire bucket and dumped it solidly onto his own head in a torrential splash of water, followed by a faint drip, drip, drip.

Off in the distance, muted only slightly by the bucket over his head, Green Grass could hear the singing of early rising birds, the faint noises of the town coming to life, and a subdued snicker, much as a goddess would make with a hoof over her mouth. “Good morning, Mister Green Grass.”

A number of responses rose in his mind. Far, far too many, in fact. He discarded the ones that would get him thrown into a dungeon for the rest of his life and settled on a phrase he never thought he would ever hear himself saying. Ever.

“Good morning, Princess Celestia.”

The faintest giggle sounded again from the world outside the bucket. “I’m not used to viewing my subjects with such unusual headgear.”

“I think buckets are coming into style this year, Your Highness,” he blurted out, since his supply of rational words had been exhausted for the day, and there were no more of them inside the bucket.

This time the Princess made no effort to stifle her laughter, and on some deep inner level he relaxed microscopically. Until his traitorous mind remembered just why she was outside his house. He decided to leave the bucket firmly on his head, no matter what happened to him.

The Princess cleared her throat and said, “What I stopped by to tell you this fine morning, is that the Running of the Leaves has already started, and I noticed you were not in the starting lineup with my favorite student.”

“Well, Your Highness. I’m more the academic, not the athlete.”

The moment the words ever so casually left his mouth, he knew something was wrong. Dead silence filled the air, flowing across the doorway into the wagon and running a cold chill up Green Grass’ wet back. Even the morning birds sounded distant and faint as a cloud seemed to pass in front of the sun.

“I suppose since I’m already up, I could go over to the finish line to cheer on the winners?”

The silence became so much deeper and invasive that the tutor took a tentative peek out from under his bucket, quickly putting it back on his head when he saw the first golden horseshoe tapping quietly on his front steps, entirely too close⁽*⁾ for his nerves.
(*) Green Grass would have much rather the shoe, and its owner, were still in Canterlot.
—

“Or I could go by the starting area and see if I could still compete?” he asked cautiously.

The world seemed to flood back in as all the town noises resumed and warm sunshine covered him once again. “Excellent idea, I’m so glad you thought of it. Well, I’ll see you at the finish line. Until then.” There was a sound of feathers and the sensation of impending doom vanished, leaving the tutor alone under his damp bucket.

Green Grass took another quick peek out from under his bucket, giving a sigh of relief at the absence of any royalty, and dropping the empty bucket back inside the door for later refilling. With a turn of the heel, he closed the door to his wagon and began trotting to the starting line for the Running of the Leaves, first slowing in hopes to be too late to pick up an entry, then accelerating as his few functioning brain cells began to consider just exactly what would happen to him in the event the Princess’ little visit did not bear the expected fruit.

Within moments, he was sprinting.

* * *

Twilight Sparkle was elated to see Princess Celestia at the finish line to the Running of the Leaves, and was more than happy to wait her turn as she spoke with Applejack and Rainbow Dash about their little ‘disagreement’ and the friendship lesson it properly taught. There was something just a little bit off about the Princess that only an attentive pony with a lot of experience would be able to detect. It took Twilight until the two hyper-competitive Elements of Harmony had galloped off to go back and finish their uncompleted job until she figured out just what it was, which made the purple unicorn address her teacher a bit more strongly that she had first intended.

“No, really. Why are you really here?”

“Why, Twilight. Just what do you mean by that?” The Princess waved a hoof at the happy throng of runners and their supporters who were cheering and preparing to return to Ponyville for the after-race lunch. “Fall is really one of my favorite seasons. Ponyville Valley has such beautiful leaves, and I just wanted to come celebrate with you.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Congratulations again on your placement in the race. Fifth place is quite good for a first time participant. Did any of your other friends join you?” The Princess seemed to be craning her neck while looking around, perhaps trying to find somepony hiding somewhere, and most probably green.

“No, Rarity says she’d only get all hot and sweaty, and that’s not ladylike. But Fluttershy is over there; she flies the course ahead of the runners and makes sure all the little creatures are out of the way. And Pinkie Pie and Spike are up in my balloon.” Twilight waved, but was unable to get the attention of the announcers, who had turned their aerial conveyance around and were headed to town with everpony else for the Running of the Leaves lunch.

“Is that all of them, Twilight?”

Her eyes narrowed. “No, he’s not here. I don’t care if he’s ever here. The library gets a copy of the Foal Free Press too, Princess.”

“Oh, yes. That.” The Princess glanced around and lowered her voice. “The photo really doesn’t look that bad.”

“Bad?!” Twilight’s raised voice gathered the attention of some of the late-departing ponies, who decided to stay around to watch the unannounced end-of-race fireworks. “The picture shows me tackling him onto the floor in the middle of a bunch of little foals, and it looks like I’m about to have my way with him right there! You call that not too bad?”

“It’s only a student paper, Twilight. Certainly—”

“ONLY? My parents get a copy! My brother gets a copy.”

“Actually he gets two,” rumbled the hefty Royal Guard pegasus to their side. “Vun for cutting articles out for ze bulletin board, and vun for his scrapbook. Sorry.” The guard cringed under the combined direct glares he was suddenly bathed in, and took a step backwards to keep from bursting into flames.

“Anyway,” said Twilight with a lingering glower at the unfortunate guard. “There is nothing going on between myself and Green Grass. He’s an annoying little twerp who splashed me in the face with a bucket of water when we first met, twice if you count the time I spent the night in his wagon— I mean went out to his wagon to borrow a book! We didn’t sleep together! Well, we were asleep, and we were together, but—”

One huge white wing enfolded Twilight Sparkle in a warm embrace as Princess Celestia gently placed her cheek against her faithful (and frustrated) student. There had been many other occasions where Twilight had ‘lost it’ only to be brought back to reality by a firm hug across the chest; first by her own mother who always knew how to calm down the panic-prone powerful filly with an all-encompassing hug, and later by her respected teacher⁽¹⁾. All the frustrations of the last week just seemed to drain away and were replaced by a warm glow, much like sleeping in a sunbeam.
(1) Before Twilight Sparkle was permitted to be enrolled as Princess Celestia’s special student, her mother made absolutely certain that the Princess knew how to administer an appropriately reassuring hug. There were tests. The Princess passed on the third try. Twilight Velvet was strict with her grading, as any number of students would testify.
—

“Twilight, really. Do you think I just came out here to see some stallion that I heard was taking an interest in you? You’re my favorite student, and I care very much for you. I just wanted to be here to share your experience with the Running of the Leaves, no more, no less. Can you accept that?”

“Oh, Princess. Of course I can accept that. It’s just that over the past few days, it feels as if I’m being pushed into something I don’t want to do. Not by him,” she quickly added, feeling the smallest increase in wing pressure and increased respiration from the Princess.

Miles away, a panting green earth pony, covered in leaves and sweat, paused only momentarily in his running as an icy shiver traveled up his spine.

“He’s been... stupid, but not pushy like those other colts in school⁽²⁾. His parents were forcing him to marry a... well, she wasn’t a very nice pony.”
(2) Yes, they’re still alive and not in some arctic army base, counting penguins.
—

Those suppressed memories caused hidden tensions to bubble to the surface, bursting through the calm that Twilight was trying to project. “How could you do that? It’s a law, and you approved it. His family can force him to marry any pony they want!” She buried her face in the Princess’ warm white neck and sobbed. “Just like mine!”

“Now Twilight,” started the Princess. “You know I would never—”

“That’s Freifrau Sparkle von Twinkle, Bearer of the Element of Magic, Mistress of the Silver Diadem and Defender of the Realm,” Twilight’s muffled voice replied from the vicinity of Princess Celestia’s neck with a sniff. “I Twerped my family. I’m covered by that stupid law just as badly as that vandal. Any time my parents want, they can just trot over some stallion who could make their family more powerful and hitch us up. The law even specifies foals! How could you?!”

“Twilight,” said the Princess, softly lifting her chin up with one hoof so she could look into the distraught unicorn’s eyes. “I would never permit you to be forced into a relationship you did not want. I made that law a long time ago, when the noble houses were in turmoil and breaking apart. Wars were fought over meaningless titles attached to foolish ponies who owned no more land than you could throw a rock across. That law saved many lives back then. You are quite correct; no doubt the law has exceeded its proper lifespan and should be allowed to expire. I promise you, I will see to it first thing when I return to Canterlot. It may take a few months to grind through the system, but it will.”

“Thank you, Princess,” mumbled Twilight, her face still buried in Celestia’s neck. They talked for a while longer, more like daughter and mother than student and teacher while the last leftover runners trotted over the finish line to receive their awards. As all good things do, it ended far too soon with Twilight returning to Ponyville with her friends, and the Princess headed back to Canterlot, with only one Royal Guard remaining behind.

* * *

It was fairly late in the afternoon when an unsteady clip-clopping noise roused the Royal Guard from his well-deserved nap. Technically the Princess had only ordered him to ‘wait’ at the finish line for the tutor, not ‘guard’ the finish line, so it was obvious that a good nap was needed to keep himself fresh. He hopped off the cloud before running a quick hoof through his stubbly mane and flying down to greet Green Grass.

The poor earth pony was nearly totally covered with leaves and leaf-related ground litter, adhering to the exhausted stallion by way of a thick, foamy coat of perspiration that even dripped off the end of his nose. He looked wearily around the empty finish line area and managed to croak, “Did I win?”

“Ha! You funny.” Axe fluttered down in front of the tutor and saluted. “The Princess vent back home to do some Princess schtuff. I’m supposed to tell you goot job if you showed up.”

Green Grass hooved some leaves out of his eyelashes and coughed out a twig. “What if I didn’t show up?”

“I vas suppose to go find you.”

“Oh.” The tutor eyed the razor-sharp short axe slung across the pegasus’ back. “I don’t suppose you know Shining Armor?”

“Captain Shining Armor is goot friend. Almost like brothers. He very good captain, all of Royal Guard like him a lot.” The pegasus smiled, showing quite a few white teeth.

“Oh.” Green Grass looked back at the road to Ponyville and estimated his chances of being able to outrun, or at least outplod the muscular Guard pegasus. It took amazingly little time to estimate the odds, zero happening to be zero no matter how it was calculated. “I suppose you’re here to pass along some implied threats about what will happen if I should dishonor Shining Armor’s sister in any fashion?”

The big pegasus laughed with a low rumble. “Ho shure, dot too. I really volunteer for dis job because I vant to share a drink vit choo. You got stones size of Canterlot mountain. Come on, dere place in town dat has real Griffon Teaflower Ale. Ve share drink, I go back to captain, tell him you goot, hokay?”

* * *

Despite the general festivities at the Runner’s Lunch, Twilight felt unable to enjoy herself. The ‘World Wide Winners’ buffet was a truly astounding spread. The Cakes had managed to put together dishes from nearly every country across the whole globe. From Neighponese vegetables to Germane sauerkraut and Istallian pasta, and even a selection of Prench wines that she just had to sample, for the sake of science, of course. She finally figured out just what was bothering her when she saw the collection of little unicorn students busily decorating a small corner booth in purple and green, with a banner that said ‘Our Favorite Teachers.’ There was a suspiciously romantic overtone to the whole thing that propelled Twilight outside, stomping down the path to where the little green creep’s wagon was parked to give him a piece of her mind. But he was not inside the wagon, or anywhere at the party for that matter either. Even going along with the cute little tykes’ plan and sitting at the table did not draw him out, and by the afternoon as the party wound down, she was beginning to doubt his insidious involvement in the scheme.

Eventually as she helped the Cakes clean up after the party, she managed to confront Mrs. Cake privately. “Mrs. Cake, have you seen Green Grass anywhere?”

“No, dearie. Did he skip the whole party? I wanted to apologize for that little... formula incident that Pinkie Pie put him through.”

“No, I haven’t seen the annoying little twit at all today. Good.”

“Oh, you poor thing.” The earth pony mare patted Twilight gently on the shoulder as she watched Pinkie Pie clean up the ‘Romance Corner.’ “Everypony has just been so excited about you and that young stallion that they’ve missed the point totally. You really don’t love him, do you?”

Relief seemed to gush from every one of Twilight’s pores, and she leaned into Mrs. Cake with disturbing intensity. “Yes! Finally, somepony who understands.”

“Good. I was hoping he would stick around the bakery more often. Oh, Pinkie Pie! Watch out for that—” There was a horrible crash and Mrs. Cake ran out to rescue the party decorations from the pink party pony who had decided the best way to pick up all the leftover ribbons was to bounce around the room twirling, and wrap them around herself. After Pinkie had been unwound (well, as much as Pinkie Pie ever was unwound) and the decorations boxed until the next party, Mrs. Cake finally made it back to her conversation with Twilight Sparkle while cleaning up the leftover food.

“Pinkie Pie is certainly difficult for you two to keep up with,” said Twilight with a relieved giggle as Pinkie bounced away with the box of decorations perched on her nose.

“Yes, but what are we to do? What she really needs is a nice young stallion to settle down with. Somepony who would be able to siphon off some of that excess energy of hers.”

Is she planning on setting up Green Grass with PINKIE? Images of married life with Pinkie Pie flashed through her mind as a series of blinding visuals: standing in front of an altar with both of them dressed in pink, the tutor helping her throw parties, him sitting in the middle of the bakery, fat as a big green beach ball with his feet unable to touch the floor while hundreds of little pink fillies bounced around him. She suppressed a shudder for his fate and put on a heroic smile.

“Oh, don’t worry, Mrs. Cake. I’m certain she will find a special somepony someday. You know what they say, ‘There’s somepony for every pony’ and...” She trailed off as a similar series of images flashed through her own mind: standing in front of an altar with Green Grass shyly at her side, helping her in the library, the two of them teaching a series of green and purple foals, falling asleep with him curled up next to a telescope.

That was the last straw. He had gotten inside her HEAD, and that was beyond an insult. She gathered all of the thoughts of the green tutor up into a metaphorical bag, threw them over a metaphorical shoulder and trudged down into the depths of her mind, only to find the metaphorical steel-walled safe she had planned to lock them away forever inside was lacking in a metaphorical door. And some walls. “Drat.”

“Is there something wrong, dearie?” asked Mrs. Cake. “Would you like some leftovers to take home for Spike? I’m afraid we made too much Neighponese food, and I think he’d like it. I was going to save Mr. Green Grass a plate in case he came in later, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

Twilight scowled at the cheerful, marital tone that she used with his name, and scooped up a giant glob of avocado paste on a cracker.

“I’m sorry, Mrs Cake. I love the stuff, but avocado paste gives Spike gas.” She bit down and chewed with all the fury she felt, imagining the green paste was the deceptive green stallion’s hide.

That’s not avocado dip.

* * *

“Seriously, Twilight. I don’t know why you’re making such a fuss, this stuff is terrific!” Spike sat happily in the kitchen, running an emerald around in the bottom of the wasabi paste container, trying to get the last, tasty little green fleck. Out in the library lobby, the unicorn in question lay glumly on the couch, sucking on what must have been the fiftieth icecube of the evening with tissues stuffed in her nose to keep her wasabi-boosted snot production from becoming a nasty puddle.

“Shuth up sthpike. I’m warnthing youth. Ith your bedthime anyway.”

“I’m going, I’m going. Shouldn’t you be getting to bed too?”

“I don’t feel like sthleeping.” True, each muscle in her body ached from accumulated fatigue poisons, and her tongue felt swollen to twice its normal size, but what she really felt like was going to that idiot’s house and stomping him flat. Somehow, this was all his fault.

Oh, don’t kid yourthelf, Twiligthgt. Thith ith your fault. Arrrgh, he even screwed up my internal thinking. Maybe a memory spell? No, that would take away the Princess’ visit today. How about a memory spell on him? Wipe him all the way back to when he got his cutie mark. No, that won’t solve the problem, Twilight. Everypony in town thinks the two of you are... yuck, I can’t even think it. Maybe I could erase everypony in the town’s memory? No, I promised not to do that ever again.

Her eyes were drawn to the balcony, and the telescope that beckoned to her seductively. Luna’s stars had always comforted her in times of great stress except that one time the castle kitchen ran out of cocoa.

“Sthpike? Do we have any cocoa?”

“Are you going to sulk with your telescope again tonight, Twilight? The cocoa’s all gone. I’ll pick some up tomorrow.”

He probably came in here in the middle of the night and drank it. “Sthompthing elth then?” she asked, stomping irritably up to the balcony and checking her star observation log. There was nothing for a case of nerves that could make the entire world better than curling up with her giant insulated tumbler of cocoa and a telescope. And a book or three. And the Princess. It just would not be the same without hot cocoa and by herself; the chilly fall air bit into her coat and made the telescope tremble when she shivered. If only Spike were old enough to stay up at night; despite being theoretically cold-blooded, the little dragon was always as warm as a little oven. Her mind wandered over to the green tutor’s wagon again as she fiddled with the cranky focus knob. He probably would still be awake, and he certainly was nice and warm to cuddle—

“Here’s your juice, Twilight.” The little dragon carefully put the huge insulated tumbler beside the telescope and squinted suspiciously at her. “You seem flushed. Isn’t the wasabi wearing off yet?”

“I’m fine!” she blurted out, bumping the telescope out of alignment again.

“Sheesh, calm down. You just looked a little pink. I used the last two bottles of juice⁽³⁾ in the icebox for your drink, so I added that to the shopping list for tomorrow. Will there be anything else, Lady Sparkle?” The little dragon bowed, and then scampered for safety, heading for his bed with a trail of giggles as Twilight hefted a book.
(3) Labeled ‘Sweet Apple Acres Premium. Keep out of reach of children and open flames.’
—

* * *

The night was not so chilly as she feared and the apple juice did seem to help, burning its way down her gullet to calm the nerve endings rubbed raw by wasabi. After about half the oversized glass had been consumed, it lit a nice warm fire in her belly that seemed to radiate out to her limbs and bring a warm glow to her cheeks. By the time she had reached the bottom of the tumbler, her magical field had grown clumsy enough from the evening chill that she had problems getting out the last drops. In the end, she held the oversized glass upside down for an extended period of time with her tongue stuck out as far as it would go, reaching for that last drop which clung stubbornly to the bottom as if it feared being drunk.

“Well, Luna,” she said⁽⁴⁾, looking up at the sky where the moon was about halfway through its nightly trip. “Excellent job tonight. You deserve a toast! To stallions!” she cried, waving the empty insulated glass around dangerously. “Covered in butter and apple jelly and homemade preserves. Oh wait, that’s toast. Well, I suppose it could be both of them.” She turned the glass upside down and shook it vigorously, or at least held it relatively still and shook, which was much the same thing to her alcohol-bent perceptions.
(4) Or at least that is what she attempted to say. A literal transcription of her conversation would be completely unreadable unless the reader had also imbibed two full bottles of Applejack’s finest sipping whiskey while still remaining conscious.
—

“Darn. Somepony stole my cocoa. I’ll bet it was that darned green bugger. I’ve got half a mind to go... Heh. Half a mind. Think I better step outside and get some air.” After a long, long expedition down the hundreds of steps to the library front door, and a considerable hoof-wrestling with the obstinate doorknob which was determined to keep her trapped inside, Twilight managed to stumble out onto the library front steps and look out across the starlit town.

“Whoa. It’s pretty at night. Now for that air.” She grunted and lunged forward, landing on her chest and plowing a furrow through the grass with her chin. “Little green bugger,” she mumbled, attempting to regain her standing position while looking back over her shoulder. “Steals my cocoa and then goes and steals my wings.”

After finally struggling to a roughly standing position, Twilight shook her head and concentrated on walking. “I’m gonna march right over there and get ‘em back. And my cocoa. An my book. Well, his book. I’m just gonna borrow it, so I can curl up and enjoy myself. Oh, Dulcelstia, fear not. Your loyal knight doth sally forth to wrest you from durance vile! Onward, to glory!”

Ch. 16 - The Mourning After

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
The Mourning After

Proposed Changes to Inheritance Law: To be introduced to Parliament immediately:
Inheritance Law, Section 14, subsection 9B: All forced marriages shall be required to have written permission from the Crown before they are to be considered valid. Arranged marriages are still acceptable, provided both direct parties of the marriage testify under oath that they are agreeing to the marriage of their own free will and without coercion.
Subsection 9C: The Crown is not currently accepting any requests for permission for forced marriages, nor is expected to approve any requests in the foreseeable future.

The faint pink light of pre-dawn morning had just barely tinged the sky when the first songbird arrived to perch on Green Grass’ wagon. A few moments later a second one arrived, and then a third in rapid progression until the entire top of the wagon was covered with a living blanket of feathers. In silent array, they watched the horizon until the first ray of sunlight broke free, and only then did they raise their voices in beautiful song.

“…!”⁽*⁾ The owner of the wagon barely twitched, despite the dagger-like pain in his folded down ears. There was a perfectly good bucket of water against the wall, so all he needed to do was to get up, grab it, and soak down those annoying little morning pests. His resolution lasted all the way up to ‘all,’ before it failed in a gruesome mixture of sore muscles and hangover. Perhaps, if he could muster concentration beyond anything he had ever mustered before, he might be able to drag himself over to the bucket and drown himself.
(*) Actual contents censored. It’s for your own good. Honest.
—

Earth ponies normally could outdrink unicorns but that feat would normally wind up in a draw in any drinking contest against pegasi. What the earth pony could exceed in capacity, the pegasus would exceed in the sheer speed they could burn through the booze and be happily chirping about heading out to do it again the next morning. That darned guard had not even wobbled as he flew off into the evening sky on his way back to Canterlot, while it was all Green Grass had been able to do to stagger back to his home, and that involved a bit of searching for where he had been parked for the last few days.

At least the big Germane lug had been friendly, in a kind of psychopathic, murderous way, as he spread his pay around Berry’s bar and its regular inhabitants, mostly lovely young mares and a surprising number of them single. If it would not cause his head to explode in hangover agony, Green Grass would have shuddered at the thought of Shining Armor’s ‘friends’ making Ponyville a regular stop on their bar hopping ways, and of course taking his little sister’s coltfriend along for a little bit of friendly companionship. Every night. Far better to drown in the bucket.

Spa. Crawl to spa at noon. Soak until wrinkly. Drink carrot juice until have to pee. Repeat.

Spike will be over soon. Get up. Set good example for baby dragon. Drink much water. Hydrate.

No. Have dragon chase away birds. Eat ‘em, I don’t care. Sleep.

Get up. Birds belong to one of Twilight’s friends. Ambush. They are ganging up on you again. Warning.

Stay in bed under covers. No work until afternoon anyway. Something familiar about bird’s song. Heard before. Istallian melody.

Can’t sleep. Get up. Get hangover remedy from Carrot Top. Set good example for kiddies. Birds not going away. Wagon smells like brewery. Needs aired out. Need to pee.

Grumble. Can’t argue with pee. Something smells like rotten apples and wasabi. What did I drink last night? And how much?

The music rose into an agonizing crescendo outside, and finally cut off. A moment later when the echoes had finished bouncing around in his head, he whispered to himself, “What was the name of that stupid song?”

“Mattinatta,” slurred a sleepy voice quite near to his ear that made his mane stand on end. “It means ‘in the morning’ in Istallian. Turn it down please, I’m trying to sleep.” An icy wave of fear competed with the warm body draped across his back in a battle of goosepimples and sweat. Green Grass could not decide if he was grateful to have gotten a shower after his disastrous attempt at running the leaves⁽¹⁾ or regretting his decision. At least with a thick coat of sweat-stuck leaves and twigs, he would have had a chance to slip away and make a camouflaged exit. Now he was stuck being a green leaf in a forest of brilliant reds and golds, an easy target for an enraged unicorn.
(1) It seems somepony had covered all the trippable rocks and stumps with leaves, and moved several of the directional signs.
—

A sense of déjà vu swept up Green Grass’ mane and tried to dig into one ear, screaming in fright as the purple unicorn stretched, wrapping legs firmly around him and burying her nose in his mane with a deep, appreciate sniff. “Smells nize.” The wafting smell of apples and wasabi drifted back down to his nose, as well as a slightly chilly and familiar line of drool that trickled down one shoulder.

What does it say when waking up to find the Princess’ student draped over your back is a repeat occurrence? Move? Change jobs? Change names? Although there’s something different about her this time, and it looks familiar.

A quiet feminine hiccup echoed through the wagon, accompanied by an increase in the smell of processed apples.

Oh, that’s it. She’s drunk as a skunk. Why, of all ponies in town, am I the one downhill from Twilight Sparkle when she goes on a bender?

His search for a rational explanation for life was cut short as one delicate purple hoof began to trace its way down his barrel towards his flank, leaving a trail of tingles across his sore muscles and joints. “Wherez my wingz? You gotcha wings? I know they’re here somewhere,” she murmured as her search suddenly got highly personal, and he yelped in surprise.

Twilight yelped too, and both of them yanked back from each other, only in a much slower fashion than the last time they woke in the same bed, probably due to their combined hangovers which could have sunk a battleship.

“Ow!”

“Ahh! My head!”

Ever so slowly, the two opened their bloodshot eyes and squinted at each other in the morning light that filtered in from the high window. For the longest moment, they simply sat and stared in disbelief until Twilight... giggled. It would not have been so bad if it were not a contagious giggle, which tended to flare up into a full-fledged case of the laughs unless suppressed by a wealth of hangover symptoms. Which it was. Mostly.

“You,” announced Green Grass in what would have been a commanding tone if it had risen above a whisper, “are drunk!” He could not help but giggle afterwards too, just like Twilight. Her eyes were dancing with joy, and her whole beautiful face lit up with a blitzed smile. It was powerful enough to cut through his traditional post-drinking binge depression, and totally distracted him from the firepower locked up within that horn with a drunken unicorn playing with the trigger.

“Nope!” giggled Twilight cheerfully in response. “I’m dreaming this allllll up. You’re just a hallcun… hallucy… figment of my imagination.” She broke out in another case of the giggles before lurching forward. Green Grass did not realize he was backing up until the bookshelves caught him painfully in the kidneys and Twilight touched noses with him.

“It’s a beautiful dream. And do you know what I do in my dreams with you?” she asked with half-closed, passionate eyes and a blast of apple-scented morning breath that could have peeled paint.

“Read books?” he ventured hopefully.

“Yesh! Now gimmie Don Rocinante!” Her hooves began earnestly searching him, exploring the unlikely possibility that the earth pony could have managed to hide a hardback book somewhere buried in his thick winter coat, or in a secret compartment in his skin.

Green Grass actually did have a well-concealed secret, known only by his siblings and parents. Ever since he was a young colt, he had extremely sensitive ribs. And underlegs. And neck. And behind the ears, oh that was particularly sensitive. About the only part of him that was not overly sensitive, was his hooves, and even then he winced whenever he had to visit the farrier.

The tutor collapsed on the floor of his wagon, helpless against the purple fiend who ran her hooves over every part of his body⁽²⁾ in a futile search for the thick novel resting in plain view on a nearby shelf.
(2) Except one part, because to Twilight, this was not that kind of dream.
—

“Stop! Hehe! Quit it, Twilight! Please! Oh, not there! No, no, no! Ha! Not the ribs! Eeek! Ears! Ears! Stop! No biting! Eeep!”

* * *

Spike paused outside the shaking wagon, listened for a full minute, and quietly tip-toed away. It sounded like Green Grass and Twilight were busy this morning. Knowing Twilight, she would never give him a direct answer to just exactly what they were doing, so it looked like another brief visit over to the Carousel Boutique was in order before heading home. It made a good excuse to talk to Rarity anyway.

* * *

The valiant knight stood triumphant over the body of her foe, the fiend’s body reduced to quivering putty that gave the occasional giant tremor, resembling a hiccup. The battle had been long and strenuous, but she had showed no mercy in her relentless assault.

“Behold, M’Lady Dulcelestia. I hast slain yon foul beast in your name! Stop twitching, yer slain. Now, I shall claim my just reward for my valiant act. Pucker up, buttercup!” The drunken unicorn descended on the helpless tutor, lips first, coming closer and closer until in a fit of inspiration, Green Grass gasped out, “Intermission!”

“Intermission?” Twilight backed up a step and looked puzzled as her brain fought the alcohol. It lost, being hopelessly outnumbered.

“Yes! Intermission!” gasped Green Grass. “We’re going to have a brief break in tonight’s dream so that we can go to the bathroom and get more popcorn.”

“Oh, yeah. I gotta pee. How long is the intermishhon?”

“Not long at all,” said Green Grass, standing up and gently lowering Twilight to the mattress. “You just lay right there, and count to — um — one hundred thousand by primes. I’ll go feed the projectionist and be right back.” He tucked the blanket over the bleary unicorn and eased his way towards the door. “Start counting.”

“One, two, three, five, seven, nine…”⁽³⁾
(3) This footnote, as well as 9 are prime because of the Odd Prime Number Theorem
—

Every single muscle in his body including his ears screamed in pain as Green Grass hobbled out of the wagon and closed the door quietly. Getting into the wagon traces in the blinding sunlight took four different attempts so he was at least pointed the right way, and then he had to unbuckle himself to remove the chocks from the wheels, and go through the routine all over again. By the time he laboriously dragged his wagon up to the library and backed it up to the front door, his mood had plunged from In Mortal Agony to Suicidal.

One shaky green hoof touched the library front door, just barely loud enough to make a noise.

“Ow,” whimpered Green Grass.

The motion repeated. So did the whimper. Ever so slowly, the impacts of hoof against door increased in intensity to what could possibly be called a knock, while the whimpers turned into soft grunts of internalized pain. Eventually the tutor heard the blessed scratching of draconic talons coming from inside the library.

“Just a minute,” called out Spike as he scurried to answer the door. “Oh, it’s you.” Green Grass’ head was hanging so low all he could see of the little dragon was two little purple feet.

“Spike, is there anypony else in the library?” he whispered.

“No. Not yet. We don’t normally open for an hour. Are you feeling all right? You look just awful.”

“This is really important, Spike. Are there any activities scheduled in the library for the next six hours or so that involve loud noise, curious students, crowds, or any other interaction with Twilight Sparkle? That goes double for Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash.”

“No. Where’s Twilight?” The little dragon sounded concerned, but Green Grass could not look high enough to tell for certain.

“She’s in the wagon, drunk.”

“No, not Twilight. She can’t hold her liquor. She put herself on a one-beer limit at school.”

“Well, right now she’s holding two bottles of Applejack’s finest internally.”

“Oh. Uh-oh. I think I put the bottles you brought on your date into her cocoa mug.”

“It wasn’t a— It’s not your fault. Anypony could have done it. I’ll get her out of the wagon, you open the door, and we’ll slip her inside.” The green tutor staggered up the ramp to his wagon door and wrestled with the uncooperative doorknob. “Twilight? Are you awake?”

“Eighty-six thousand, two hundred and forty-three… um… You made me lose count.” An aggressive wall of purple seemed to lunge out of the darkened interior of his wagon and wrap around his neck affectionately. “Where were we?”

“Intermission,” he whimpered in pain as his weight nearly doubled from her grasp. “Come on, up we goooo…” His voice died out in a soundless hiss as he shrugged Twilight over a shoulder and every leaf-running muscle blasted disapproval. “Come on. Bathroom. Then bed.”

Twilight Sparkle giggled on his back as he hobbled up to the library door. “I don gotta pee no mo. I used the bathroom in yer shaggin waggin. Oh, look. You found Spike. Now it’s a shaggin waggin with draggin.”

Green Grass stopped momentarily in puzzlement. “I don’t have a bath— Eww! Bed then.”

For long moments, he stood at the bottom of the steep staircase leading up to the library second floor bedroom, wrestling with the hopelessness of his task until Twilight dug a hoof into his ribs. “Onward, my trusty companion. The stairs to paradise await, set thy hoof upon them and arise into heaven with the angels.”

“Wow, she’s blitzed,” mumbled Spike.

The drunken unicorn managed to lurch to a half-upright position on Green Grass’ back, almost sending him to the floor screaming in agony if it were not for her beautiful voice raised in song that suddenly nailed his hooves to the steps.

♫ Dulcelestia... Dulcelestia
Once you found a mare
And called her Dulcelestia
When you spoke the name
An angel seemed to whisper
Dulcelestia… Dulcelestia… ♫

He blinked to clear his eyes and found somehow during the song he had miraculously managed to climb the entire staircase. Staggering, he quickly tottered over to her bed and used his last ounce of energy to deposit her carefully on it before collapsing exhausted to one side. Spike pulled her covers up and spared him a sympathetic glance.

“You don’t look well.”

“Not well?” he managed to gasp in practiced reaction to his college drama class. “What is sickness to the body of a knight-errant? What matter wounds? For each time he falls, he will rise again, and woe to the wicked!”

“My hero!” A pair of purple legs reached out from under the covers and snagged him by the neck, drawing him almost into the bed. “More misadventures, M’lord?”

“Urk! Twilight? Air?” Physically driven inspiration suddenly struck. “Igottapee!”

“Pee?” The vice-like grip relaxed measurably. Green Grass did not. In fact, the urgency was even greater now that he was thinking about it.

“Yes, gotta pee. Gotta pee now.”

“Don wanna lose you. Promise you come back. Heh. That’s dirty.” One slightly-damp nose poked into his ear and whispered. “Promise.”

“Eep.” Green Grass struggled successfully to control his bladder. Barely. “K.”

“Pinkie Promise,” breathed Twilight, resulting in another painful willpower spasm by the tutor.

“CrossmyheartandhopetoflyputacupcakeinmyeyenowpleaseletGO?”

“K.” Green Grass wasted no time hobbling downstairs and vanishing into the bathroom for an extended period of time, only to find the angry-looking dragon waiting when he hobbled out.

“I did nothing to your sister that is dishonorable,” started Green Grass before Spike cut him off short.

“I know. I made up the couch for you. Right there.” The little dragon sternly pointed at the library couch, with covers and a warm-looking blanket. “Go back to bed. I’ll see about getting your wagon moved and stick up the ‘Closed’ sign until Twilight recovers.”

“Thanks, Spike.” The tutor painfully edged down onto the couch and relaxed as the little dragon tucked him in. “You sure you’re not wanting to get married?” he asked blearily.

“Naa,” scoffed Spike as he pulled the library window shades down and prepared to go about his new morning tasks. “Twilight already has first dibs on you.” He glanced back to see if his needling had any effect and sighed as the tutor was already snoring. “Poor guy. He has no idea what he’s getting himself into.”

Ch. 17 - Dust

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Dust

The faint tickle of dry dust in his nose slowly began to drag Green Grass out of his exhausted slumber. Around him, the normal noises of an inhabited library seemed to be missing, leading him to the fuzzy conclusion that Spike was either still outside tending to his tasks, or being extremely quiet for the sake of Twilight and possibly to a lesser extent the exhausted stallion sleeping on the couch. There must have been a horrible draft in the library, because the side of his coat nearest to the fireplace was searing hot, while the side facing away was as cold as the depths of space. He carefully rotated his dusty nose to one side and attempted to blow the dust out in a quick breath, deciding that the risk of snot was worth it to eliminate the risk of a hangover-triggered head explosion that a sneeze would certainly trigger. But nothing came out. Absolutely nothing, except a growing sense that something was horribly wrong.

He inhaled, feeling the curious sensation of his lungs expanding without the cool sensation of air blowing through his nostrils, or even the ability to smell anything but that infernal dust. Muttering soundlessly to himself, he painfully turned to face the fireplace and opened his eyes.

That’s not a fireplace.

A veritable sea of grey dust and rock extended to the horizon, broken only by ranks of bare, jagged peaks and giant craters. At first glance, the dust all appeared to be a uniform shade of grey, but upon closer inspection there were subdued glitters of green and red running in seams through the rocks, faint waves of silver against the crater walls, and sparkles of golden glitter kicked up by ejecta from the impact of meteorites over uncounted centuries. Not a single speck of anything green or growing could be seen, except on the huge moon that arose above the horizon.

On that majestic orb, swaths and bands of vibrant greens and blues cascaded across the beautiful globe despite the darkness that covered it, littered here and there with tiny clusters of brilliant sparks where cities and towns huddled together to protect themselves from the unknown. Above it all radiated a raw blast of sheer power in the form of a sun, so bright and hot it felt as if the hairs on his coat were to burst into flames at its cruel touch, while the parts of him in shadow tingled with the cold, going slowly numb.

Beautiful, is it not?

The voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time, drilling into his skull and making him whirl around in a vain attempt to spot the speaker. He tried to speak in return, only to be met with silence, as without air, there was no noise.

We spent a thousand years like this, while the world turned beneath us. Alone.

Princess Luna! He hesitated as his hung-over brain attempted to catch up. Am I dreaming? Please say yes!

No. Not really. We have brought you into a memory of my time of exile.

The silence stretched to a snapping point. And Green Grass was the first to snap. Stop trying to frighten me!

NO! There was a rather embarrassed cough. Forgive us. We are rather out of practice. We did not wish to frighten you, merely to share with you the feeling of isolation you seem to desire so greatly. That is what you wish for, is it not?

No, of course not. Why would anypony want to be isolated in this way? I have friends, it’s just hard to make close friends when you move every few months.

Deep within your heart, you have no place for anypony near and dear. You have walled your parents out of your life, run away from your sister, and fled your opportunity to be joined in matrimony. There was a faint and unmistakable sigh. I am not speaking of that young mare with the intriguing laugh. Her, I could understand you running from, and I was quite pleased to find her an appropriate match, far, far away.

So why me?

The Night is a time of love and passion, when one’s heart can be drawn to its counterpart without the corrupting influence of the conscious mind.

I think she was just drawn to my books. Besides, my job has a considerable amount of travel involved. I’m a lousy romantic interest for Twilight Sparkle.

When did I mention Twilight?

He awoke with an agonizing start, lying in almost exactly the same position on the couch as when Spike had tucked him in, the welcome small noises of the library fireplace and the wind gently rustling the bare branches outside slowly beginning to calm his racing heart. Movement was quite impossible; muscles that had been so stressed during his Running of the Leaves had decided to set up like concrete, imprisoning him on the couch as securely as if he had been turned to stone. Which was probably the next thing to happen to him⁽*⁾ around Twilight.
(*) Current odds in the betting pool on petrification: 3:1 Contact Rainbow Dash.
—

Cracking one eye open to peek revealed Spike sitting quietly in the lobby, flipping casually through a book with a dragon on the cover. It took a few small, agonizing coughs to get rid of the taste of dust in his nose before he could whisper, “Spike, is Twilight downstairs yet?”

The little dragon glanced up behind him at the staircase and shook his head.

“How well do you know Luna? I mean, I haven’t met her. In the flesh, that is.” He snapped his mouth shut to stop babbling, and took a deep breath. “I think she just sent me a dream, and I can’t figure out if she’s warning me away from Twilight, guiding me to Twilight, or suggesting that she wants me as a coltfriend.” His voice cracked on the last word as the implication soaked in.

Spike returned his attention to the book. “Sounds like Luna. If you are really curious, I could ask her sister. It would only take a minute.”

The world seemed to drop about three feet for Green Grass as he realized just exactly what Spike was talking about. It literally would take Spike only about a minute to write and send a note directly to Princess Celestia.

“No! Ouch! I mean, no, that’s not necessary. Ow. Thank you, Spike.” The tutor sipped from the glass of juice the little dragon had stuck under his nose. The familiar contents were roughly carrot-flavored, with a nasty, bitter undertone that made it quite plainly hangover medicine from Carrot Top. Her special formula was highly effective but nasty enough to make it a toss-up for most normal hangovers. The hammer chorus playing in his frontal lobes made it an easier decision: bitter was better.

Not going to get a better opportunity than this. “Spike, is Twilight crazy?”

The little dragon looked up from his book, looked up the stairs behind Green Grass, and returned to his book. “Yes.”

“Well, that was blunt,” muttered Green Grass. “Care to elaborate?”

Spike closed his book. “She was crazy enough to think she could hatch a dragon’s egg, crazy enough to become the Princess’ private student, crazy enough to march off into the dangerous woods with five friends she had barely met that same day in order to confront a goddess who had just plunged the entire world into eternal night.” He opened up the book again and began to read.

“Mumph. True.” He took another drink of the hangover cure and made a face. “Do you think I’m crazy?”

“Think? No.” Spike turned a page. “Know? Yes.”

“Great.” He knocked back the rest of the hangover cure in one nasty gulp and struggled to keep it down. “Care to elaborate again?”

Once again the dragon looked up from his book, looked up behind Green Grass at the staircase, and returned to his book. “Because Twilight obviously likes you, and you haven’t fled in terror yet; you obviously like Twilight, and she hasn’t turned you into an amphibian yet⁽¹⁾.”
(1) That’s not to say several library books on aquatic transformation spells had not been checked out for closer examination by an unnamed librarian in the near vicinity.
—

“I don’t see how she could like me, I’ve been nothing but a complete jerk in her presence. And I don’t like her either,” he scoffed weakly. “She’s arrogant and short-tempered. She makes bad decisions without thinking, despite having the most magnificent mind. She’s dangerous. Admittedly fun, but still dangerous. She doesn’t need a husband, she needs a keeper.”

“That’s me,” said Spike, turning a page.

“I don’t think she could have done a better job teaching Dinky, but she doesn’t listen to her students, she doesn’t listen to you, and she certainly doesn’t listen to me.”

“All true,” said Spike, turning another page.

“When she was in Canterlot, she had Princess Celestia to keep her reined in, and she listened to her, I would hope.” Spike gave a little disparaging snort. “Out here, she doesn’t have... well, I guess she has her friends. They seem to be a pretty good damper on her when she listens to them. I really pity any poor schlub who decides to romance her; those five are more dangerous than Twilight. Add in her teacher, and her teacher’s sister, and the only suitors who will ever attempt to claim her hoof are stupid, arrogant nobles searching for status, and complete idiots.”

Again, the dragon looked up from his book, looked up behind Green Grass at the staircase, and returned to his book. “I could tell you some really good stories about them.”

“No thank you. I’ve seen the exact opposite end of that stick, and felt it.” Anger and the hangover remedy allowed him to rise on one elbow without too much pain. “It’s a damned shame too. She really deserves somepony special. She has beauty, brains, body and eyes so deep you could swim in them.”

Yet again, the dragon looked up from his book, looked up behind Green Grass at the staircase, and returned to his book with an affirmative grunt.

Every time he looks at the staircase, he looks a little lower.

“She’s standing right behind me, isn’t she?”

Spike looked up, nodded, and returned to his book.

Ch. 18 - Moving On

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Moving On

Eyes nearly shut and ears folded flat against his head, Green Grass waited for the inevitable bolt of unicorn power to strike him down. Spike was less concerned, simply turning the page on his book with the occasional glance at the frightened stallion.

Finally a shuffling noise heralded the arrival of Twilight Sparkle into his visual perception, moving glacially around the side of the couch and crawling half-way onto it before bumping into Green Grass. “Scoot down, wouldja please?”

Despite feeling as if he were dislocating a hip, the tutor did indeed ‘scoot’ or more correctly ‘managed to move partway down the couch without dying,’ allowing the sluggish unicorn to get her whole body up on the couch. With a groan of pain, Twilight dropped her head on Green Grass’ shoulder and mumbled, “Just kill me now.”

“Did you drink your medicine, Twilight?” asked Spike. After a minute with no answer, the little dragon hopped off his stool and vanished upstairs, returning with a full glass of the gluey liquid. “Are you going to drink your medicine now, Twilight?”

“Don’ wanna. It’s icky.”

Spike exchanged a knowing glance with Green Grass and asked, “So do you want to hold her nose or pour the stuff down her throat?”

“You wouldn’t dare.” One purple eye opened up to glare at Spike with the thermal intensity of a flickering firefly.

“I’ll hold her nose,” volunteered Green Grass. “Just gimmie a minute, I’m kind of stuck.”

“All right! All right!” moaned Twilight, as the little dragon tilted the glass up for her, holding it in place until the whole contents were gone. “Icky!” she muttered with a short cough that made her wince in pain before dropping her head back on Green Grass’ shoulder and drooling.

“Twilight, I told you I’m sorry for loading your cocoa mug up with Applejack’s bottles. I didn’t realize they were alcoholic until Green Grass told me this morning.” He busied himself taking the empty glasses to the kitchen before returning to the book again, mumbling, “You could have told me earlier, but no.”

“Traitor,” mumbled Twilight, opening one eye to glare at the little dragon as he hopped back up on his chair. “Traitors. Both of you.” She prodded Green Grass with one hoof, either trying to cause pain or fluffing his shoulder up to be more comfortable, the intent was not obvious. “What are you doing in my house, anyway.”

“Dragging you back home after your night out on the town,” said Green Grass with a painful yawn.

“Liar,” mumbled Twilight, turning as to rest her sharp little chin on his shoulder, but with both eyes still closed. “Passed out with telescope. Staggered to bed. Woke up in bed.”

For a moment, Green Grass seriously considered telling the truth about last night before giving it up as a bad idea. “If you say so.”

“I’m sorry, Twilight,” said Spike with a sigh. “You must have gone staggering out into the town last night. When I got up this morning, your astronomy stuff was all scattered around the balcony, the front door was wide open, and you were gone. I dashed over to Green Grass’ house to look for you and found the two of you were... um... vocal?”

Both of Twilight Sparkle’s eyes snapped open and Green Grass could feel her entire body tremble, her breath coming in short pants. “Oh no? It wasn’t another dream?”

Another dream? She’s had others?

The purple unicorn burst out of the Misconception, running right into a Wild Speculation and headed straight for a Logical Cliff, complete with Pouring Tears and Hyperventilation. “I knew this would happen when I let my guard down and I talked to Princess Celestia about it too and she said I would know when the time was right to give myself to a stallion but she didn’t say anything about being drunk and now I’m going to have a cute little foal which is terrible! But a little wonderful too and we’ll have to get married quick before my brother finds out and the Princess will have to send me away from the scandal and I’ll have to live with you in that little trailer as we go from town to town with our love foal where everypony can see the result of our night of unbridled passion. We could call her Passion Fruit, or would that be too obvious? How about Clover or Kumquat? Pinkie Pie would like that and we’re going to need a foalsitter and she’s really discreet about—”

Even though it felt as if his shoulder would snap off like a twig, Green Grass managed to hold a hoof over Twilight’s mouth and stop, or at least muffle her babbling.

“No. Stop it. We didn’t do anything.” The look of relief she shot him made butterflies seem to flutter in his chest.

“Nothing?” Once released from his hold, her voice dripped with relief, but it sounded suspiciously as if there was a tiny shred of regret somewhere in the back.

“Almost nothing. You tried to kiss me. And... um... you tickled me, searching for your ‘wings.’”

Twilight glanced back at her flanks as rapidly as if a set of wings curled up there had suddenly and unexpectedly fluttered. All the tension she had trapped in her body seemed to go out in a giant breath as she dropped her head back on his shoulder, sharp chin first. “You were right,” she mumbled. “I need a keeper. I’m crazy.”

He hesitated before putting a foreleg over her and giving her a painful but gentle hug⁽*⁾, which she returned in a soft but gentle way that probably hurt just as much. “So what was your dream about with Luna?” she asked with one inquisitive eye peeking out from behind his shoulder while keeping him pinned to the couch with her weight.
(*) Twilight’s mother would have only given his hug a C-, with extra credit points for good intentions, and would have assigned additional homework.
—

Thus trapped, he was forced to repeat his experience (with Twilight’s clarifying commentary) about what it felt like to be on the moon, with the muted colors of the craters (volcanic basalt) and sparkling rays extending from them (impact polymict breccias), along with the strange conversation he had with the Princess of the Night. Although she did not immediately have Spike dash off a letter to Princess Celestia seeking sibling clarification for the conversation, he had a sneaky suspicion that somewhere in the back of her mind, there were a few brain cells carefully marking down ‘Dear Princess Celestia...’

She returned the favor by regaling him with the story of how she had followed him and his parents around unconsciously while using a book of social responses to handle any conversations. The two of them agreed that it probably would be a bad idea to spread that around or all of the major social gatherings would eventually copy the routine, making every Canterlot event even more banal, if possible. He told her about his Running of the Leaves fiasco, she told him about her encounter with wasabi and ‘apple juice,’ and they both laughed, although with pained restraint.

The tension and awkwardness of the last few days just seemed to stream out of each of them, as if the hangover recipe contained some sort of truth serum, or their individual hangovers and sore muscles simply made it too painful to flee each other’s presence. They stayed curled up on the couch for what seemed like hours while Spike read his book, and brought them soup and sandwiches, only breaking up the cuddle when they had begun apologizing for things that had already been apologized for multiple times already, and the physical effects of major liquid consumption gave the inevitable result (and the library had only one bathroom).

They talked again once the embarrassing bathroom break was concluded, and by mutual consent afterwards they both hobbled over to the spa for an emergency boiling, stomping, and soaking⁽¹⁾ which left them feeling almost social again. By that time, Green Grass had appointments with his students, and Twilight fairly floated back into the library with an intense expression that boded ill for some unfortunate, unsuspecting problem.
(1) Technically that would be a Sauna, Massage, and Whirlpool.
—

“Spike. I’m going to need the following books...”

* * *

“I’m sorry, Mr. Green Grass. I just can’t concentrate.” Sweetie Belle looked at the book the tutor was holding open in front of her and poked a hoof sadly at the geometric shape that was supposed to assist in her concentration. “Not even sparks.”

“That’s fine, Sweetie Belle. How about if you try focusing on this one?” Green Grass flipped through the book to another figure and held it up.

“We did that one already.”

“Oh. Well how about this one then?”

“We did that one too. I think we used every focus symbol in that whole book, and I still can’t do sparks.”

“Okay. Let’s take a five minute break and try again.” The tutor wandered over to where Rarity was attempting to pick out the lines of a hem while his student bounded off to the boutique kitchen where her two little friends were making sandwiches.

“I do know how difficult my sister can be, but you simply must keep trying,” said Rarity, her attention seemingly riveted by a line of thin stitching she was ripping out. “I’ve been at this exact same point with her training several times, and it can be quite frustrating. Speaking of frustrating, how was your little outing at the spa with Twilight? Ahh, I can see you blushing.”

Indeed it was quite impossible for Green Grass to keep from smiling at the recent memory, a happiness which was only slightly blunted by the wedding dress that Rarity was working on, and a small collection of newborn clothes in shades of purple and green partially hidden under a nearby covering. He shook his head and tried to turn the conversation back to his pupil. They had exhausted every study aid and focus tool in his collection, and he still felt no closer to breaking through the filly’s mental reserves than before. Unless he was going about this entirely the wrong way.

Turning back to Rarity with a thoughtful expression, he asked, “You’re her sister, you should be able to tell me. Is there anything that she does that she really enjoys that I could use to get through to her?”

“Oh heavens, yes!” bubbled Rarity, sticking her sewing tools back on the shelf and smiling broadly as if she had been waiting for the question. “She just loves to go out collecting leaves with her favorite botany book, and on occasion she will even skirt the edge of the Everfree Forest to get rare specimens. It seems to be quite a fascination with her; she can simply talk for hours about genus and species until you think your ears will just fall right off. You should go with her some evening. It could be quite romantic.”

It took Green Grass a moment to shift mental gears, and he stopped himself before he could facehoof. “Not Twilight! Your sister.”

“Oh.” The fashionista picked her sewing back up rather cautiously and began picking at the seam again. “No, my sister has never been one for botany, although she did bring home a slug one day that one of her classmates caught, and wanted to keep it as a pet. I made her take it back. Dreadful things, slugs.”

Deciding that an inversion of tactics was needed, Green Grass asked, “So, does she do anything that really bothers you?”

“Just one thing?” Rarity looked rather thoughtful, while surrounded by her sewing tools. It seemed strange that Sweetie Belle had such problems with her talent when her sister Rarity had it in such abundance; it took a talented unicorn to levitate more than one thing at a time. Although the fashion designer claimed to be a weak talent, Green Grass had seen her with well over a dozen items airborne at once, and all precisely manipulated with a skill that many university professors or surgeons would have envied. “She plays her dreadful music at all hours, I suppose. Do you smell something burning?”

* * *

After extinguishing the blaze in the kitchen where the three fillies had somehow managed to set cucumber-and-lettuce sandwiches on fire, the tutor brought his student to the Sugarcube Corner. It was only a flicker of an idea at the moment, but it fairly screamed out for Pinkie Pie. After all, he needed a responsible adult in the area while working with his student, and Pinkie Pie was an adult, and most certainly responsible for something, most probably a party. It took a bit of preparation, a record for Pinkie’s record player, and some planning from the pink party pony, but soon he had his scene all carefully set in Pinkie’s bedroom. All he needed was a spark.

“Sweetie Belle, I want to try something different. No, put the book away.” Green Grass picked up the record and placed it on the gramophone carefully before handing his student a flurry of sheet music. “What I’m going to do is to start up the record, and you follow along on the music. It’s a lot like the tonal scale routine I was teaching Sparkler and Dinky, but... well, it’s different. I don’t want you to sing or hum or even think of the music while it is playing, just watch it on the paper.” He looked at the paper and shuddered. “Modern music, yuck. Let me just start up the record and — Oh wait, I thought I heard the Cakes. I’ll be right back. You just keep doing what I told you.”

The tutor strode purposefully out of the bedroom without a backwards glance as the record player started belting out Sapphire Shore’s latest hit, only to double back and peek carefully around the corner.

“What are we doing?” whispered Pinkie Pie almost in his ear.

“Shh. Just watch.” Slowly at first, the little unicorn filly played with the song sheets while the record played. The fact that it was a ‘homework assignment’ rather than her own idea was putting quite a damper on her enthusiasm for the song. After just a few moments, however, one little filly hoof began tapping, followed by a second, then her tail started swishing. An imaginary microphone was hooked behind a small hoof, a gentle touch given to an imaginary hat to settle it on her snow-white horn, and the small Sapphire Shores launched into the song, not as harmony or background singer to the famous pony, but in a duet.

“She’s good,” whispered Pinkie Pie in Green Grass’ twitchy ear.

“Watch the music,” whispered Green Grass back, trying to move his head so Pinkie was not breathing in an ear. Or down his neck. He settled for biting his bottom lip and trying not to squeak. Ever so slowly, an emerald-green aura formed across the unicorn filly’s horn, wrapped around one page and flipped it over. He held his breath, praying that it was not a fluke (and to keep from making more squeaking noises) while a second page turned, and then a third. Finally, the song ended and Pinkie burst into her bedroom, wildly applauding.

“Yea! Good job! Encore!” Sweetie Belle reacted much as he had feared, backing up and blushing like she had been sneaking a peek into the little colt’s room. It took both of them considerable time to calm her back down until she trotted off to rejoin her friends downstairs and Green Grass could have a word with Pinkie Pie in her bedroom doorway.

“Pinkie, I know you’re happy for Sweetie Belle—”

“Yes, I’m so happy because she’s been so upset about not keeping up with her classmates, and that makes Rarity sad, and when Rarity’s sad, she makes really poofy dresses and visits Bon Bon⁽²⁾ a lot.”
(2) For chocolate and a sympathetic ear, but mostly for chocolate.
—

“I’m just saying, Sweetie Belle seems to have serious performance issues with using her magic in public, even with her best of friends, even when they’re pink. Or green.”

“Does that mean I can’t be happy for her?” Pinkie’s pouts were weapons-grade, and Green Grass never stood a chance.

“Of course not. Please stop it. Please? I give up. Okay, how about a hug instea—”

“Yea! That makes me so happy!” The tutor gave up and surrendered to the hug with full knowledge that even if he had fought, it would not have made any difference other than to make the hug less enjoyable, and probably longer.

“Oh, excuse me you two. I didn’t mean to interrupt.” Mrs. Cake paused in the hallway with a laundry basket on her back and looked at the two ponies hugging in the bedroom doorway with a quizzical expression.

Pinkie grinned back, “No problem, Mrs. Cake. We were just getting done with our experiment in the bedroom.”

“Experiment?”

Green Grass chuckled, thinking of how best to arrange the next lesson as not to frighten his shy student. “Just a little experiment with magic. It’s all done now, and I think it was quite a success. Don’t you think so, Pinkie?”

“Yeah! It was worth a standing ovulation. Or is that ovation. Anyway, it worked fantastic!”

The tutor nodded, “Yes, she finally unlocked her magic. Just a bit, but I think with practice, she can use it whenever she wants.”

Mrs. Cake concealed her bafflement with her boarder/employee behind a blank stare. Then again, that was her frequent reaction to Pinkie Pie’s antics, but this was far more open than normal, even for her. She had been hoping Pinkie would finally find her special somepony, but never imagined it would happen this way. “That’s... great. I’ve never heard it called that before. Pinkie, are you comfortable with this?”

“Sure, Mrs. Cake. My bedroom is the perfect place for this. It’s quiet and good for concentration. The noise didn’t bother anypony downstairs, did it?”

So that’s why they were playing the record. But what about the applause after... oh my!

“Oh! No, Pinkie. We hardly heard you downstairs at all. So... you two will be doing... this again here on a regular basis?” Mrs. Cake nervously wiped her forehead while thinking of the twins sleeping next door to Pinkie’s room.

Green Grass waved a hoof while trying to picture a better way for his student to have privacy, but still be properly observed. “Probably not tomorrow. The day after tomorrow should work if that would fit into your schedule, Pinkie.”

“Yep! I can hardly wait.” Pinkie Pie bounced around the room with a big smile, off the carpet, off the rumpled⁽³⁾ bed, and of course, off the walls.
(3) Pinkie’s bedcovers could be ironed with a steamroller and still be rumpled.
—

Mrs. Cake watched the two of them with a suddenly growing thread of concern. “Mr. Green Grass, I don’t mean to interrupt. But what about Twilight?”

Green Grass frowned, still lost in thought. “Well, I suppose she can watch, if that’s okay with Pinkie.”

“Okey Dokey Lokie. We probably should limit the viewers to just her, and maybe one other. You know,” she whispered conspiratorially to Mrs. Cake. “Performance issues.”

The tutor nodded, “Yes, of course.”

Carefully shifting the laundry basket on her back for a quick getaway sprint, Mrs. Cake ventured hesitantly, “I think I’ll just... go lie down some.“

“Oh, I know!” shouted Pinkie Pie happily. “Mrs. Cake, if you want to watch too, I’m sure it will be just fine. It is your house. Mrs. Cake?” There was nothing left of the baker in the hallway but the rapidly receding sounds of running hoofsteps and a few scattered pieces of laundry.

“Oh well.”

* * *

Green Grass had not felt this good in months, despite his ruined thesis and still-aching muscles. And the inevitable crash that would happen when his parents found out about his romantic interests, or more correctly, disinterest. And that did not count just which way, not one, but two Princesses were going to jump when they heard the news.

Then again, he didn’t feel that good.

Things had begun slotting in place with his students, from finding out that Snails could hold a light spell for hours if he was outside, at night, looking for creepy-crawlies⁽⁴⁾, to finding a productive crack in Sweetie Belle’s privacy issues. Even discussions with the parents had begun to show positive results, which he was beginning to think was heavily influenced by Sparkler’s behind the scenes activities on his behalf. It really felt good to talk things out with Twilight without buckets of water or fountain dunkings being exchanged. It was weird, despite, or perhaps because of their disastrous interactions, he had gotten closer to her than any other mare in college or after school either, for that matter. That horrible recoil that seemed to fill his gut whenever thoughts of ‘foals’ or ‘marriage’ crossed his mind, was muted when mixed with her thoughts. Sometimes even... nice.
(4) Between Snails running the light, and Snips doing the pickup work, they could ‘harvest’ more than a gallon of pure insectile horror an hour at night, earning Green Grass more than one hateful thought over the next few years from teachers and parents alike for teaching them that particular trick.
—

He gave a sigh as he closed up the wagon for the night and blew out the lamp. She was a big frog in a giant pond, and he was just a tadpole. No, that did not work well. She was the Canterlot Symphony Orchestra, he was a kazoo. No, still not right. She was a blazing inferno of living fire, destructive and untamed as the sky, while he was a colt with a stick taped to his head, pretending to raise the sun. Close. It had been many years since he had done that; Mother had been upset, Father had been apoplectic with rage. His siblings had taken photos. A pang of sadness lanced through his heart at the thought. It was true, she was destined for greater things, for power and knowledge and prestige. She would have no space for a powerless earth pony at her side anyway, even if he were to want that position. Which he most certainly did not.

So why do I keep thinking about her, just like Luna said?

He had just barely settled down into bed with plans to move his house back to Berry’s alley tomorrow when the door to his wagon was yanked open, and Twilight bounded happily inside.

“I have a proposal!”

You are cordially invited to
Tea with Princess Celestia
at
2:30 p.m. Thursday
Darjeeling Room, Canterlot Castle
R.S.V.P
Invitees:
Baron Chrysanthemum
Lady Spring Fresh, of House Chrysanthemum
Lady Twilight Velvet, Dean, Canterlot University Department of High-Energy Magics
Lord Night Light, Director of the Office of Diplomatic Support Services
CC: Miss Cozy, Royal Tea Stewardess

Ch. 19 - Failed Experimentation

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Failed Experimentation

Caught by surprise at the sudden intrusion into his tiny home, Green Grass blurted out, “I hope the two of you are very happy and have a very happy life?” His words tasted vaguely bitter for some reason, as if he had bitten into the side of a tin can and grated his teeth across the metal.

“Not that kind of proposal, silly.” Twilight waved a sheet of paper vigorously as if it were supposed to explain her thoughts, which to her, it probably did. “I believe I have a solution to the problem I created when I cleaned up your mess… thesis, that is. But first,” Twilight leaned forward and grinned maniacally, looking him straight in the eyes with a scorchingly intense expression. “Tell me more about my eyes.”

“They’re bloodshot,” blurted out Green Grass, wincing until he realized Twilight had started giggling uncontrollably. “They’re kind of a beautiful bloodshot though,” he stated tentatively as if she were going to explode any moment. “You’re delirious from overwork, aren’t you?”

“Yes!” She hopped around the room, giddy with joy and oblivious to the close quarters of the wagon that simply made it seem as if she were dancing the Watusi in a phone booth with the green stallion. “I wanna do it! I wanna do it tonight! I know it will work, I just know it. It’s a little messy, but I think you’ll just love the end results! Please?!”

“Well, I— “

“Please!”

“Wouldn’t it be better if— “

Please?!”

* * *

Outside the wagon, Mrs. Cake hesitated with one hoof raised to knock on the door. She had hoped to catch Twilight Sparkle tonight before she had slipped into that stallion’s clutches, but had been just a little slow. Now the noises coming from inside the shaking wagon illustrated the depths of his depravity; not only had he ‘experimented’ on sweet little Pinkie Pie this afternoon, but now he was going to do it all over again with one of Pinkie’s best friends. She turned on her heel in disgust before walking back to Sugarcube Corner at a brisk trot, picking up to a gallop when the last ‘Please?!’ drifted back to her ears. There would be other times to confront the dishonorable stallion and his lascivious ways while informing Twilight of his deceit. A shudder traveled up her flank at the unmuffled cry of feminine joy that emerged from the wagon, and she set her jaw in a determined fashion.

Taking advantage of that young impressionable mare, how dare he? And Pinkie Pie too, that took the cake!

* * *

“Okay, okay, okay. You’ve got this Twilight. Just keep it together, and it’ll be a snap. Can you stand over there, out of the way, please? I’m not sure how the reverse entropy from the spell will affect living tissue. It won’t turn you into a baby or anything, well, not all of you. Maybe parts. Or age them, I’m not certain. Yes, that’s far enough back. Are you sure you can see from there?”

“I’m pretty sure,” said Green Grass from the extreme far edge of the ramp, with the beginnings of his own euphoria-induced grin. “You may proceed, Frau Doktor Sparkle⁽*⁾.”
(*) The title actually belonged to Twilight’s great, great grandmother, the inventor of the self-igniting torch, a must for any group storming a castle owned by a mad inventor.
—

The unicorn lit her horn with an amazingly creepy evil cackle and purple light began to spill out of the wagon into the darkness under the library tree. “For Science!”

* * *

The two of them lay in the middle of the wagon amidst a chaotic mess of papers and toppled books, with an exhausted Twilight weeping piteously into Green Grass’ shoulder. Hours had passed since the first attempt at her un-sorting spell had failed, and repeated attempts only seemed to drive the chaos into more disorder. As Twilight descended down the steps of sanity, Green Grass stayed close for moral support, even to the point where he had quietly retrieved the fire bucket⁽¹⁾ and stood by her side, just in case.
(1) Scrubbed and refilled with clean water, not recycled beer.
—

There was something in his own gut that twitched each time Twilight sobbed and hiccupped into her green pillow. Even in defeat she was undefeated, scheming out her failures through the tears and planning her next assault on the problem between hiccups. In some way, he understood the reason Twilight Sparkle had been the focal point in the fight against Nightmare Moon, for if he had been an evil goddess bent on revenge, the cute purple unicorn would have been the last opponent he would ever have wanted to face. Or maybe Pinkie Pie. It would have been a difficult decision: death by magic or death by cake.

“You should get home.” It really needed to be said, but whenever the words began to rise in his throat, she would sniff, or bury her nose deeper into his neck. Tracks from wet tears streaked both her mane and his in long rivulets; even despite his best efforts he had some small contribution to the dampness. Her tears eventually dried and the sniffing ceased as her breathing steadied, one thin purple leg thrown over his body as if to prevent his escape. The feeling of her tense body relaxing against his should have encouraged a number of very stallion-like thoughts. Or perhaps they did, but were obscured by other thoughts more powerful.

What have I gotten myself into?

* * *

The morning bird choir gently fluttered to their designated positions on top of the tutor’s wagon, each taking their spot according to their tone and melodic line. The muffled chirps of tuning woke Green Grass from a fitful sleep, and he gently placed a hoof on either side of Twilight’s ears to guard against the opening notes, just in case.

A light melody began to swell outside as Twilight Sparkle shook her head, first looking up with her eyes still closed, then down, then waking up with a giant tremor that shook her entire body.

“Eeep! Oh, it’s you. Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.” Twilight scratched at one ear frantically with her face all squinched up. “Tickles.”

“Sorry.” Green Grass gestured at the wagon roof. “Our morning opera has returned.”

“La Trotiata. Sempre Libera, I think. Did you... did we sleep out here all night?”

“Again. I must be comfortable, all soft and poofy like a big pillow.” He puffed out his cheeks and gave her a wide-eyed stare, earning a cute giggle from Twilight as well as a sharp poke in the ribs.

“Behave. I’m only here because I fell asleep. Besides, we fit well together. And yes, you are nice and fluffy.” She prodded him in the ribs a few times, eliciting a number of squeaks and futile protests. “Besides, I was drunk. Haven’t you done anything you regretted later while drunk?”

“Me doth believe the lady prevaricates poorly, having neither wine nor beer to betray her will, but only fatigue at the temporary failure of her endeavor. Besides, I’ve been drunk. I know drunk. I was drunk the night before last when one of your brother’s ‘friends’ took me out drinking at Berry’s bar. I vaguely remember climbing on a table and shouting, ‘A toast! To the female of whatever species. May they ever remain inscrutable.’ At least I think I said inscrutable. From the reaction of the rest of the bar it might have been something that sounded quite similar, but meant something completely different. And quite humorous. If you want me to go in reverse chronological order, this could take a while.”

Twilight cuddled back up, prodding Green Grass with a hoof as if she were fluffing a giggling pillow. “I’ve got time. Time?” She sat up abruptly and looked at the clock. “Oh, no! Spike has probably been up for—”

Green Grass bopped her gently on the nose. “He dropped by, peeked in the door and left. I only saw because I didn’t sleep too well.” The tutor dug around in the mattress and heaved a thick book out onto the floor. “That’s better. Didn’t want to wake you.”

The book lay on the floor, absorbing the glare of the frustrated unicorn uncaringly. “I know why the spell didn’t work, it doesn’t have anything to grab onto, like a crystal to solidify around or a key in a lock. When I de-chaos-ed your wagon, I ordered the whole thing, like a magnet. I’ll get it though, I know I can.” She punched his shoulder just a little too hard before laying her head down; it was obvious she was forcing the motion even as her magnificent mind chewed viciously on the problem like Spike on a ruby. There was a constant twitch that telegraphed up his neck while she thought, her head darting slightly from side to side as if she were reading with closed eyes. The faint rumbling from his own slightly overstuffed tummy was echoed by her own. Given what he had seen so far, it was unlikely that Twilight had even paused for food since early yesterday. Despite how comfortable he felt at the moment, there was a principle at stake here: A true gentlecolt buys breakfast.

“Twilight. Hey!” She jumped when he nudged her, giving him a distracted glare in return. “Your problem will wait until you get fed. I’m buying breakfast for the both of us, how do you like your eggs?”

“Unfertilized,” she responded quickly, shooting him a sideways glance as he spluttered for air. “Did I get that right? That’s what it said in 1001 Zingers and Put-Downs, but I never did quite understand it.”

Unable to respond, Green Grass was only able to pound one hoof against the mattress and gasp for breath. Fortunately for him, Twilight was distracted by the nearby sound of Spike answering the library door, just a few yards away from his wagon.

“Why, hello! What an unexpected surprise,” said Spike, sounding not just surprised, but a little panicked. “Twilight’s not here right now!”

Unfortunately for Green Grass, he recognized the next voice.

“Good morning to you too, Spike,” responded a polite alto voice with just a hint of aristocratic accent. “We were just on our way to Fillydelphia for a family visit and thought we would drop by to see our darling daughter for a few hours between trains.”

Ch. 20 - The Twilights of House Twinkle

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
The Twilights of House Twinkle

“My old physics professor,” hissed Green Grass as he clamped a hoof over Twilight Sparkle’s mouth and flattened up against a wall of his wagon. “Remain calm. She can sense fear.”

“Mmmmummm! Mummph! Mum!” Twilight fought to escape from the tutor’s grasp, but adrenaline-fueled terror was doing a pretty good job of reinforcing his grip.

“Spike,” came the dreaded voice again. “I know you’re hiding something.” That lowered voice combined with the tap, tap, tap of an impatient hoof made Green Grass shudder with repressed memories of grades long past, gone to that graveyard where required classes vanish once the last test is complete, and the book sold back.

She tracked me down. I must not have turned in that extra credit homework that she wanted to raise my score to a D. I always thought the stories going around the school about her were just fables. She’s going to fail me retroactively and I’m going to have to give back my diploma and quit teaching and move back in with my parents and—

A second, deeper voice sounded from near the front of the wagon, crushing Green Grass’ hopes for making an escape out the other door. “Dear, it looks like our little Twilight has a visitor parked in her front yard. Perhaps this is a bad time.”

She brought reinforcements!

“Oh, nonsense, Nighty. She told us we were welcome anytime we wanted to drop by. I can’t be blamed for wanting to see my only daughter, can I?”

Daughter?

The unicorn he was holding in his hooves suddenly seemed to double in weight as the door to Green Grass’ home became wrapped in a magenta aura and popped open. Professor ‘Iron’ Velvet poked her nose inside, taking the view of the petrified stallion holding her daughter in front of himself like a hostage with remarkable aplomb.

“Hello, Twilight, dear. Did we arrive at a bad time?”

“Mom!” Cruel physics caused Green Grass to be propelled backwards⁽*⁾ when Twilight launched herself at her mother, catching her around the chest in a mutual hug of epic proportions. Green Grass’ hopes at being able to back slowly out of the room without gathering attention, much as he had done during several Physics lectures in college, was stymied by a disapproving baritone voice that seemed to just come out of thin air around his left ear.
(*) Neighton’s Third Law of Family Inertia - Relatives attract each other in direct proportion to the length of time they have been separated, and the stress exerted on them during that time.
—

“Ah. You must be the young lad.”

Green Grass froze. His father had been able to use that voice. There was an undercurrent of authority that just oozed out between syllables that said quite plainly ‘I don’t need to destroy you. I have dozens of minions devoted to that purpose if you annoy me even in the slightest fashion.’

“Yessir!” The very molecules of air around Green Grass seemed to tremble with nervous rigidity as some small section of his brain noted that Princess Celestia and Twilight’s father were both getting their first impressions of him from the same view of his posterior.

The steely professor who had once terrified entire classes looked up at him with a twinkle in her eye. “And you must be the young colt I’ve heard so much about. I thought I remembered you from Introductory Physics class a few years back.” The older mare nudged Twilight Sparkle with an evil grin. “He thought a pi meson was really a pea meson, and marked his answer in grams. I taped your final exam to my office door. It was extremely funny.”

She happily tucked Twilight Sparkle under one foreleg and waved at the unknown stallion behind Green Grass. “Oh, Nighty. Why don’t you and the young colt get acquainted while Twily and I go catch up? Ta!”

The normal sense of relief he felt as that purple and white mane bounced away was missing. In its place was a growing sense of standing under a building thunderhead as a dark blue stallion wearing a severely formal three-piece suit borne with the casualness of a familiar uniform trod carefully into Green Grass’ wagon and looked around disapprovingly.

“Yours?” he asked, the stallion’s bright golden eyes flickering around to the cluttered corners of the room. There was a certain analytical air about that look, as if he were specifically withholding judgment for now while waiting for his victim to eagerly fling himself into the guillotine and beg for the blade to be released.

The gibbering chunk of fear that wanted the tutor to flee was mercilessly grabbed and wrestled to the ground, and vast quantities of metaphorical rope were used to tie it up until needed for an escape. “The wagon, yes. The books are my father’s, purchased on my behalf.” If his voice wavered, Twilight’s father pretended not to notice.

“My name is Lord Night Light, of the Office of Diplomatic Support Services⁽¹⁾. But please, do not stand upon formalities. You may call me Sir.”
(1) The Office of Diplomatic Support Services is a clerical agency. They supply the various diplomatic posts around Equestria with certain office products such as quills, ink, paper, detailed plans of military installations as well as lists of major military leader’s romantic liaisons, and other such trivial items.
—

“Yes, sir!” The silence stretched only slightly before Green Grass caught on. “Pleased to meet you, sir. My name is Green Grass.”

After a brief pause in which the tutor did not volunteer any additional information, Lord Night Light turned at the doorway and looked rather pained. “You prefer not to use your title?”

Green Grass started to speak, and paused. Hoping that his estimation of Twilight’s father was correct, he decided on blunt honesty. “No, sir. My older brother, Regal, will inherit the title of House Chrysanthemum. I wish only to stand on my own four hooves. If I can complete my studies and gain my Master’s degree, I should be able to teach just about anywhere in Equestria, away from the shadow of my father.”

Those accusing golden eyes flickered to meet his face just once, before returning to their examination of the surroundings. “So you think it appropriate for a child to flee the vicinity of their parents?”

A dark cloud seemed to draw across the window outside as Green Grass winced. “If you had met my parents, you would understand.”

“Really?” Night Light’s golden aura of unicorn magic fetched a pristine kerchief from the vest pocket of his suit coat, dislodging a crisp notecard from his pocket and sending it skidding across the cluttered floor. “Oops,” he said, unconvincingly. “Could you…”

The tutor scooped the card and held it out to Night Light, and continued holding it as the stallion made no move to retrieve it. “You seem to be a bright young lad. What do you make of that?”

“This?” Green Grass flipped the card over and froze as he read the writing. “Nothing,” he continued weakly and held the card out again as if it were about to explode in his hooves.

“No, I insist. Twily always loved little tests like this. Consider this a test.”

“What happens if I don’t pass?” he asked reflexively, reconsidering his question the moment he locked eyes with the other stallion. “Nevermind.”

After a brief cough to clear his throat, Green Grass said, “Royal letterhead, with golden printing on light cream paper, obviously Princess Celestia’s. Dated yesterday. The invitee list shows both you and your... wife met with my parents and—” He swallowed hard “—Princess Celestia. Did she... say anything about me?” he asked with a slight squeak.

“I was sworn under oath not to reveal details of our meeting with Her Highness. However I believe I can state quite confidently that your name, and that of my daughter never came up in conversation. There may have been a few mentions of some young stallion⁽²⁾ somewhere, but since no name was mentioned, it could have been anypony. Oh, and I passed along our family’s condolences as to the rejection of your nuptials with the Earl of Pine Valley’s daughter. Your parents appeared to be less than crushed by your great loss.” For just the tiniest fraction of a second, Green Grass could have sworn the older stallion had flinched, perhaps remembering his own experience with the infamous laughing cry of ‘hooarrrrch’ from the Earl’s daughter.
(2) As well as ‘my student’ and ‘a small, nearby town,’ as well as frequent references to ‘most displeased if there were any interference.’ Princess Celestia had been a diplomat for centuries, and it tended to rub off on her invitations to tea. More than one potential diplomatic disaster had been quashed quite firmly between Darjeeling and Thin Mint Crisps.
—

“She’s a lovely young mare,” he added cautiously, feeling vindicated as a muscle jumped in Night Light’s jaw. “Grace. Beauty. The most lady-like laugh.” This time he was positive he saw the flinch, as well as a slight pinking of his cheeks from holding his breath. “As I recall, sir. Your son, Shining Armor is still single. Perhaps the Earl would be willing to reconsid—”

“No!” Night Light frowned severely after his outburst, turning Green Grass’ laugh into a brief chuckle, which slowly died a horrible death. The older stallion sniffed, as if he could smell the sweaty scent of his only daughter spending several nights under this roof.

“Rather untidy.”

“I’m sorry, sir.” The whole story⁽³⁾ of the Sorted Thesis poured out of Green Grass as if it were a confession, with the older stallion nodding along as if it were a familiar story to him.
(3) Without any reference to any overnight stays by any young unmarried unicorn mares whose fathers were standing in the room.
—

“I see why you have not attempted to tidy up then, and I shall not contaminate the thaumaturgic signature of my daughter’s project with my own. Except...” A golden aura surrounded one thick tome half-buried on the floor and floated it up to reading level.

“Interesting,” he mused, checking the back of the book before snapping it closed.

“I know,” added Green Grass. “Featherpen’s analysis of Griffon psychology through history was a great assistance to my thesis project. Such as it is.” He poked forlornly at the scattered and totally useless thesis notes scattered across the floor. “It had a few errors, but on the whole it was quite useful.”

Night Light reacted strangely to his statement, twitching almost as if he had been pricked by a pin. “I don’t know what you mean,” he said in a stiff, formal fashion as he shelved the book rather firmly. “My office uses that book in our dealings with the Griffons on a regular basis. Her Highness has never expressed any dissatisfaction with its contents.”

“What, do you know the author?” Green Grass retrieved the book from the shelf and turned to one dogeared and heavily noted page. “He draws a completely false premise from the Highpeaks Griffon defeat in 598 G.E., stating that it was a contributing factor to the Wingmaster’s revolt in the Empire, but that is clearly impossible since the revolt took place in the spring, and the Battle of Highpeaks never took place until that fall, right before harvest. There are a few hundred pages between the two events in the book, so it doesn’t really show until—” The tutor caught a glimpse of Night Light’s face and stared while realization cascaded in. “You do know the author.”

“Son, I am the author. I think we need to talk.”

The older unicorn carefully began to remove his suit coat, placing it down neatly across a bookshelf one piece at a time while he talked. “I have one son who is so powerful he can theoretically put a shield spell around the entire city of Canterlot. My daughter is the bearer of the Element of Magic, an ancient artifact that can actually defeat a goddess, and send her to the moon. After finding out just who my son was dating, I had a serious concern that Twilight had managed to somehow coerce an ancient elemental of power from between dimensions, perhaps something that ate planets or extinguished suns. I can truly say that I am very glad to meet you.”

“Now,” Night Light opened the door and stepped into the morning sunlight. “Why don’t we take a jog around town and you can show me around. I swear I’m getting as fat as a marshmallow stuffed into the office all day. I hardly ever get a chance to get out and run marathons anymore. From what I hear, you are a runner too, so we can talk while we run. How’s that sound?”

Ch. 21 - Mother Knows Best

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Mother Knows Best

Twilight Sparkle tagged along after her mother, Twilight Velvet, as they trotted into the library together, hardly even noticing as Spike quietly made himself scarce. The little dragon had learned by experience that he could barely keep up with one Twilight at a time, let alone two.

“So tell me all about what’s been happening to you lately, dear. You know your letters home just aren’t the same as your visits.” Twilight Velvet did not even pause in the library lobby, heading straight for the kitchen as if it were the bottom of the local gravity well.

“Mom. I write every week. Every. Week. Well, almost every week. I would much rather hear what you and Dad have been up to lately.”

Twilight’s mother paused in her investigation of the icebox, a surefire sign that she was hiding something. Twilight knew Twilight as well as herself, from long study involving the hiding of cookie jars and Hearth’s Warming gifts⁽*⁾.
(*) Twilight Sparkle never realized her mother was not really trying to hide things from her daughter, but training her searching skills. Night Light finally put a stop to it when the mother began hiding the cookies in alternate dimensions, and the daughter was still finding them.
—

“Really, dear. You would be bored to tears. Your father has been working late for the last few months, and I’ve got a few weeks free ever since the accelerator ring at work blew up last week⁽¹⁾, so we decided to go visit some relatives in Fillydelphia.”
(1) Thermal issue with the Rainbow Recirculation Pump. It needed to be 20% cooler.
—

The younger Twilight slowly nodded. “Uh-huh.”

“The trip down from Canterlot seemed to take forever this morning. The dining car was closed due to their icebox overheating, and they said it would be until tomorrow before they could get it fixed. Oh good, you have celery.” Several stalks of celery floated out of the icebox, as well as apples, pears, lettuce, cucumbers, some leftover pancakes, and a half jar of raspberry jam.

“Well, you know your father, he didn’t want to make a fuss, but I told him I really didn’t have anything to keep me busy on the trip anyway so— dear, you’re almost out of ice cream.” Remains of a tub of fudge ripple floated out to join the rest of the sacrifices on the kitchen table, all huddled together as if they were dreading their fate.

“It was just a hairline crack on the crystalline recooler, took more time to disassemble the icebox and put it back together than to fix. Realigned the coils and fixed a nasty squeak in the hinges too. They should have been grateful instead of throwing me out of the dining car.” A loaf of bread floated over to the table, and Twilight Velvet pulled a sharp knife out of the kitchen drawer.

“Mother, I can feed myself.”

“Dear!” Twilight Velvet clutched one hoof to her chest in almost the exact way Rarity would react. “I am your mother. Now sit down and let me make you a sandwich.” The knife dropped down, and a series of sliced vegetables began to pile up on the chopping board. Professor Velvet’s favorite lecturing and research routines both involved a large knife and a collection of sliceable objects, resulting in a rapid change in her teaching career from Organic Chemistry to Physics, a subject matter fortuitously lacking in poisonous or explosive chemicals.⁽²⁾ It made for interesting staff meetings at the university, but they never had to worry about healthy snacks.
(2) There were no actual casualties involved in Professor Velvet’s first Advanced Chemistry lecture, due to the swift action of campus security and a general reluctance of her lecture class to consume sandwiches that hissed and smoked.
—

“We had stopped at that quaint little diner down the block to get a bite to eat before dropping by here, but the nice lady seemed under so much stress that we only picked up a few things. Cruller?” Whatever Twilight Sparkle had to say was muffled by the sudden insertion of a Sugarcube Corner baked treat into her mouth. It took a bit of chewing to start talking again, in a race between the two Twilights, each with their own pastry.

“Mrs. Cake has twins,” gasped Twilight Sparkle, having won the race by a swallow. “She’s probably under a lot of stress because Pound Cake has been having early flying fits and Pumpkin Cake is Flaring.”

“Oh, isn’t that cute. Twins run in our family, you know.” Mother Velvet quit chopping for a moment as a look of pure maternal bliss swept across her face, the knife held loosely over an onion. “I remember when you were Flaring as a foal. Your father’s eyebrows still haven’t grown back all the way, and we never did find out what happened to the neighbor’s cat⁽³⁾. It’ll be good to hear the pitter-patter of little hooves around the hallways again.”
(3) Nothing serious, it just ran away. Cats aren’t as dumb as young colts.
—

“Mother!” Twilight Sparkle spluttered in frustration and tried not to look at the fire extinguisher. “Green Grass and I have not… We aren’t…”

“Sleeping together?” inquired Velvet with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes. I mean no! I mean… It was just a few times! Just sleeping!”

“You should know, it only takes once.” Velvet waved the knife for emphasis. “Just ask your father, he’ll tell you. Your grandfather, Shining Sword, was so angry.”

“I know, I know. You’ve told me this story a hundred times,” huffed Twilight Sparkle, scooping up a sandwich and eyeing it for any unwanted zucchini. “It was on the test twice.”

“Your father and I only want what’s best for our little princess,” said Velvet softly, chopping a cucumber into nearly transparent slices. “If that young colt of yours is giving you any problems at all…” She finished her chopping with one last solid whack, before spreading the finely sliced cucumber onto some nearby bread.

“Mother! He’s not my coltfriend! I assure you, I have no platonic interest in his whatsoever. I mean him whatsoever. I mean our relation is platonic! Arrgh!”

Twilight Velvet paused, aligning a zucchini on the chopping block with great care. “So the two of you are being careful…” she started carefully, shaking her head and changing topics, or at least approaches. “He uses a raincoat, right?”

“Well,” started Twilight Sparkle, obviously thinking of rain gear. “He has a cloak, but it gets awfully wet and soggy—” Realization cascaded in at her mother’s innocent look. “Mother! That is just so…”

“Maternal?” Velvet carefully began to pulverize some watercress with a subdued sniff. “We met with his parents, I’ll have you know, and they did not strike me as able to give the child a proper education in such things. I packed along your study guide and pre-test for him, if you would like.”

“Mother! Twilight Sparkle glared until her breathing calmed, listening to the welcome, familiar sound of the knife on the chopping board⁽⁴⁾. “Well. I suppose.” She giggled as a memory seemed to pop to the surface of her mind. “He’s a lousy kisser.”
(4) Welcome to her, but strangely disconcerting to any young colts who happened to drop by the house, or students in her lectures. Nopony ever fell asleep in class, and test scores were remarkably good with only few exceptions.
—

“Direct experimental evidence or research gathered from other sources?” asked Twilight Velvet while buttering up a skillet for the minced onions.

“Direct observation, although my sample size is pitifully small.” Twilight Sparkle tapped the table while looking off into the distance. “I suppose I could consult with Miss Cheerilee about names of his romantic interests while in college and submit a questionnaire to them by mail, but I’m afraid the error rate would be too large for sufficient accuracy.”

“Top of the left stack,” said Velvet, pointing at two stacks of paper on the table with her knife. “Due to the short notice, I was only able to interview a dozen young mares and have not yet correlated the data in any truly scientific fashion, but my initial observation is that you have what several of his previous romantic liaisons would call ‘a Keeper,’ although there is some discrepancy among the results that may be related to social climbing among the classes⁽⁵⁾. You should be pleased that there is no real history of violence or antisocial behavior in his family other than what is normal for a barony⁽⁶⁾ of that modest size. Few mental illnesses in his family comparatively, and he seems to have a nasty streak of honesty that would disqualify him from holding political office.” Twilight Velvet dropped the shredded onions onto the sizzling pan with a hiss. “In short, I like him. Other than his abysmal grasp of Physics, he seems to be perfectly normal.”
(5) For some reason, the repairs to the Advanced Thaumaturgical Lab had been given high priority, possibly in order to give the Dean something to do other than sociological impact studies among the unmarried faculty and staff.
(6) The controlled violence rate among the upper social strata is comparable to lower Manehattan between the docks and the abandoned factory district, although actual fatalities are lower in Manehattan, due to a reluctance to hit quite as hard.
—

* * *

Night Light trotted back to the bridge and looked down at the bubbles coming up from the dark waters. “Silly blighter, you’re supposed to swim when you fall in. Paddle or something. Oh, what’s the use?”

A golden light appeared deep in the water as Night Light levitated the green stallion out of the river, pausing slightly to wring most of the water (and one minnow) out of him before placing him gently back on the bridge deck.

“That’s twice now you’ve fallen off the bridge during our little run,” admonished the older stallion as Green Grass hacked and gasped for air. “I’m starting to think you’re jumping in instead of falling. Now come on, up to your hooves. I’ve only got another hour before we have to get to the train station, and I don’t want to waste a minute of it.”

“Yes, sir,” gasped the tutor as he mustered his strength and staggered up to trot off behind Night Light, looking futilely for a steamroller to fling himself underneath to end the torture.

* * *

Twilight Sparkle took a bite of her sandwich and sniffed. “I don’t think I’m ready for this. How can anypony be ready for this?”

Her mother gave Twilight a hug with her own sniff while a glowing spatula continued to stir the onions on the stove. “Oh, honey. None of us were ever really ready for this. You can study and read all you want, and it still just comes out of nowhere and clonks you over the head like a frying pan. Your father certainly wasn’t prepared; it took us hours to find him before the ceremony and drag him to the altar. If he had been really prepared, he would have been standing right there next to me without the hoofcuffs, or been able to find a better hiding place. I mean I wasn’t prepared to go into labor during my Doctoral dissertation either, but we got through it without having to name your brother Final Argument or Closing Statement like the professors wanted.”

Twilight Sparkle was pouring tears by then, leaning into her mother’s light coat. “Oh, mom. I love you.”

“I love you too, Twily.” Twilight Velvet nuzzled her daughter across the back of the neck as she would a foal, her tears pouring down like rain. “I just want you to know, your father and I are perfectly comfortable letting you make your own decision in your own time. Whoever or whatever you choose.” She pulled out a kerchief and wiped her face, then held it up to her daughter until Twilight Sparkle blew her nose.

“Feeling better, dear? Would you like to sit down with me and go through my research on him?”

“Yes, of course.” Twilight Sparkle wiped her teary face against her mother’s neck and sniffed. “But could you turn the fire down under the onions first? I think they’re cooking too fast.”

* * *

“Hi honey! I’m home!” Night Light jogged lightly into the library lobby just as wife and daughter trotted out of the kitchen. “Save me a sandwich for after the shower?”

“Of course, dear.” Twilight Velvet gave her husband a peck on the cheek and swatted him on the rump as he dashed off to the bathroom. “Use soap! You know what I think of the smell of sweaty stallions.” She waited until he was in the bathroom and the water was running before whispering to her daughter with a lecherous grin, “Nothing else like it.”

“Mother!” The protest was more pro forma than anything, but a quick search around showed no green stallion following her father, or even collapsed outside in his messy wagon. “Father!” she called above the noise of the shower, “What did you do with my — I mean where is Green Grass?”

“Dropped him off around the middle of town. Said he was going to say hello to a friend.”

Twilight had barely gotten out of the library when Rainbow Dash zipped down, pointing into town with one hoof. “Twilight, you gotta come quick! Greenie is stuck in the fountain, head first.”

“Well, that’s normal.”

“Yeah, but he’s not coming up for air.”

* * *

It was only the work of a moment to teleport to the fountain, leaving Rainbow Dash attempting to catch up for a change. The green stallion was indeed leaning face-down into the fountain with only his hind legs sticking out, and it caught him completely by surprise when the world around him vanished with the sharp crack of imploding air.

Green Grass flailed in mid-air as his surrounding water was abruptly replaced by blue sky, only to descend into the loving embrace of his faithful friend, the fountain.

A spluttering and coughing tutor heaved his forelegs over the edge of the fountain and glared at Twilight. “I was soaking my head.”

“Sorry.” Twilight looked gloomily at her hooves and sat against the fountain edge. “I thought you were trying to drown yourself.” She looked up as a wet hoof was placed on her shoulder.

“Honestly, Twilight. Do you think your father is half as bad as mine? Besides—” The hoof gave a sharp yank, and Twilight flailed briefly before falling backwards with a splash.

Green Grass pulled himself out of the fountain and waited for Twilight Sparkle to break the surface before continuing, “This gives me the chance to even things up a bit. The score is currently Five to One. Would you like a boost out of the pool, young lady? There are some steps over here.”

* * *

Twilight Velvet and Night Light had just emerged onto the library steps when a pair of damp young ponies came galloping up the hill, Green Grass in the lead but closely followed by a shouting Twilight Sparkle, waving a wet towel in her magical field. “Come back here you little creep!”

They vanished around the back of the library, still shouting while Twilight Velvet leaned into her husband with a sigh. “I didn’t have the heart to tell her, dear.”

“Don’t worry,” he replied, patting her gently. “She’s such a shy and retiring young lady—” a sharp whip-crack of a wet towel being snapped against a green rump, complete with agonized howl echoed around the library tree “—just like her mother. I’m certain she’ll figure it out on her own. Shall we be off to the train station, my dear? I left plenty of time in our schedule to stroll slowly through the town, as not to strain your delicate physique. I’m certain our little Twily will catch up to us before the train leaves. I got us a sleeper car to Fillydelphia.” He waggled his mismatched eyebrows and grinned.

“Oh, you charmer. Behave.” She swatted him gently on the rump as they began their journey to the train station while behind them the cheerful sounds of two young ponies at play continued to echo through the trees.

“Do you think we could pick up a jar of pickles on our way to the train station, dear?”

“Anything for you, my love.”

Ch. 22 - Saying Goodbye with a Kiss

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Saying Goodbye with a Kiss

“Oh, my little flower! I’m going to miss you so much while we’re gone.” Twilight Velvet nuzzled her daughter in front of the train doorway, in full view of the rest of her friends. “Kiss for your mother?”

“Mom!” ‘Flower’ struggled to escape, but Twilight Velvet kept her trapped in a vice-like grasp. “They’re watching.”

“Y’all just go ahead there, Mrs. Twilight.”

“Ooo, can I get in on the hug too!”

“The two of you look darling, darling.”

“You’re so cute together.”

“Smile!”

A brilliant flash lit up the railroad terminal, bringing out the colors of all the squinting ponies, in particular the red that flushed Twilight Sparkle’s cheeks.

“Rainbow!” Twilight glared at the amateur photographer.

“Don’t frown like that, Twi. It looks horrible on film.” A second flash did nothing to reduce Twilight Sparkle’s frown or blush.

“Really, Twilight,” drawled Rarity. “You should get at least one photo with your coltfriend so that your parents have something to put on the wall other than that dreadful school newspaper photo. I mean, the angle does not flatter you at all. Where is the nice young stallion anyway?”

Twilight Velvet waved a hoof at the train. “Oh, Nighty had him help bring the baggage along, so we girls wouldn’t be bothered by all that stallion-talk. I swear, all they know is hoofball and politics.

* * *

One more step. Ow. One more step. Ow. One more step.

The trip from the library had been both painful and embarrassing for Green Grass. There was almost no way to outrun a unicorn with a wet towel, and the resulting series of red welts gracing his green rear made him look somewhat like an apple tree ready to harvest. What had started as an angry, wet unicorn chasing him with a towel and howling for revenge, had evolved into a game of hide-and-seek through the town in which he still could not figure out if she was truly angry at him, or just enjoying the juvenile game. In either case, her accuracy with a damp towel bespoke a great deal of practice or natural talent as his smarting rump could testify. Mercifully, she had quit her pursuit in the vicinity of her friends, who had gathered by the train station to see her parents off to Fillydelphia. Perhaps she feared Rainbow Dash catching the two of them in a photo, or the embarrassment of acting so immature in the company of her fellow Elements of Harmony. Or maybe she just ran out of water for the towel.

“Son, why don’t you let me get that before you break something.” A golden aura gently lifted the luggage off Green Grass’ back and flew it to the luggage rack inside the parents’ private compartment before the older stallion turned to the slow-moving tutor with a look of concern. “You’re not really a runner, are you Mister Green Grass?”

“No,” said Green Grass, stifling a pained whimper. “The Princess kind-of pushed me out into the Running of the Leaves, and I—” The tutor cut off as Night Light’s magical aura surrounded him in a warm glow, intensifying until it felt like he was lying on a warm rock. The glow abruptly quit with a quiet snap, and Green Grass straightened up with a smile. “It doesn’t hurt now.”

“Part of my old Guard training. Have Twily look it up sometime when she isn’t chasing you around town with a towel. It’s not as good as a trip to the spa, but it’ll do. Now about Twilight.” The older stallion looked Green Grass straight in the eyes with a penetrating gaze that gave him the strangest sensation of looking at a mirror, only twenty years into the future. “You’re not really in love with my daughter either, are you?”

“No, sir.” The tutor drooped from ears to tail and looked away from Twilight’s father. “She’s nice enough she should have suitors lined up in front of the library for blocks, but I understand why she’s still single. You must have the most awful parasites drop by your house, trying to marry her for the position she holds.”

“You have no idea, son. We had to make a form letter for rejections back when she first became the Princess’ student. Most of the requests are handled by the castle staff.” One hoof caught him by the chin and dragged his face back up to meet Night Light’s golden eyes. “You don’t dislike her either, do you?”

“Heavens, no! I suppose I did at first, a little, between thinking she was going to vaporize me, and all the times she dropped me in the fountain. Now, I just—” Green Grass groped for words, blushing slightly pink before waving vaguely in the direction of the waiting mares. “She confuses me!”

Night Light broke out laughing, and sat down with a thump on the compartment bunk, leaving Green Grass even more confused. “What is it, sir? Did I say something wrong?”

“Oh, no,” he chortled, wiping away a tear. “It’s just I said almost exactly the same words from the time I met my Twilight, until after the wedding. She had me so confused that when the vicar asked, ‘signify by saying, I do’ I turned to Twilight and asked ‘do I?’”

“So what happened then?”

“She said, ‘Yes, dear’ and I turned back to him and said ‘I do.’ I think that’s the last decision I made as a free stallion, even if her father was holding a sword behind me. I’m not sure whether I should congratulate you, or provide covering fire while you run for the hills.”

Green Grass sat down in the other bunk with a scowl. “How about neither?”

The older stallion shook his head with a grin. “No, son. You’ve got it all wrong. The two of you have a unique opportunity. You are free to either become closer, stay the same, or drift apart. Neither I, nor your parents, or even the Princesses together can change that if you two don’t want it to change. Who knows, if you drift apart, you may bump into each other in twenty years, each married with a string of little fillies and colts behind you and have a good laugh about all of this. I’m certainly not going to try to shove you together with my Twilight; nopony deserves to have that kind of chaos forced upon them. My wife has four sisters, which means if you two stick together, you will have a mother-in-law and four aunts just like her. Come to think of it, we have a family reunion in Fillydelphia in a couple of months that we’re probably not going to be able to attend depending on her delivery date. Would you like to take Twily there and meet all of her cousins?”

“No, sir. Thank you, sir,” rattled off Green Grass rapidly and without a pause.

“Smart lad,” chuckled Night Light. “Well, we had better get back outside, or they’re going to start to think I tied you to the train tracks. Oh, and one more thing before you go.”

Green Grass froze, halfway out the compartment door. “What?”

“It does you no good to take a trip if you don’t enjoy it. I have to say one thing about my trip so far: I’ve never been bored. Frightened, terrified, exhilarated, or ecstatic, yes, but never bored. Either way the two of you decide, make the most of it, and don’t let anypony try to tell you otherwise. Within reason. My wife still has her father’s sword hung up on the wall.”

A tiny smile crept onto Green Grass’ face. “I think it can stay there.”

* * *

“So what did you girls talk about while we were gone?” asked Green Grass carefully as they waved at the departing train.

“You,” said Twilight Sparkle in a quite firm voice, with only the tiniest upward twitch of the corner of her mouth. “What about the masculine duo?”

“You,” said Green Grass with a grin and a glance backwards at the rest of the Elements of Harmony, loitering nearby with no intention of eavesdropping. “What would you say to a quick bite to eat at Sugarcube Corner?”

“Yes!” cried out several of her friends, only to be shushed by Rarity.

“I agree with them,” said Twilight as they began their walk. “Mom made lunch, or brunch or whatever at the Library, but it tasted horrible. She must be in some experimental cooking phase.”

“Tell me about it,” grumbled Spike, falling into step beside them. “She cleaned out my last jar of pickles.”

“Spike! You probably just ate them and stuck the empty jar back in the icebox. You know my mom hates pickles.”

...we’re probably not going to be able to attend depending on her delivery date.

It took considerable willpower for Green Grass to keep walking to Sugarcube Corner and not stumble. There are some conclusions, such as one’s own mother being pregnant, that should not be made by anypony too close to the subject. It was probably wise not to push the issue, but instead silently consider the chances of Twilight Sparkle someday becoming the second most powerful unicorn in her family. Or third.

Being back in Sugarcube Corner gave him a strange sense of belonging that seemed to fill his entire chest nearly as well as the cupcakes and muffins filled his empty belly. Last year he had practically lived here and gained nearly ten pounds. This year he had barely managed to drop by a few times, to the relief of his waist.

When he was in college, he would have broken both forelegs to sit at a table with six beautiful mares; now it was more like sitting with one special mare, and five ‘others.’ It just felt off somehow, like the entire world had tilted to one side and he was unable to place his hooves on the ground.

Luna was right. He never did have any really close friends, just acquaintances and siblings. Even his little sister was not so little anymore. Somehow the world had managed to sneak forward while he was not looking, leaving him thinking about little foals of his own and relationships. At this rate, he was going to grow a beard and wear cashmere sweaters with little patches on the elbows while complaining about kids on the lawn.

His eye caught the similarly chubby form of Mrs. Cake bustling around the dining area, delivering yet another tray of sugary goodies to their table, and something in his own slightly tubby gut gave a twinge of empathy. Asking his own mother about things like this was out of the question, but it would feel a bit odd to pawn his question off this way. Then again, it was not exactly passing the whole decision off, just inquiring of an elder what wisdom they could impart to a young and foolish colt who was having... issues. Mainly equivocation issues.

“Mrs. Cake, may I speak with you privately about the experiment we’ve been doing up in Pinkie’s room? It will just take a minute, girls. I’ll be right back.”

For some reason, the older mare was a bit twitchy about talking to Green Grass away from the table, but he managed to speak with her in the back of the room as she was icing a number of cupcakes for the counter. She was holding the frosting tube in her mouth, so all he could hear was grunts and the occasional glance, but that was more than he ever got from his own mother, so it was an improvement.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Cake. I kind-of lied about the reason for talking to you. It isn’t about that experiment.”

“Mm?”

The green stallion dug a hoof into the rubber safety mat on the floor and mentally squirmed. Last year when he had been student teaching, Mrs. Cake had been quite sincere about being a Mom away from Mom, but that was before the Cakes had two children of their own. He still felt guilty about burdening her this way.

This is embarrassing⁽*⁾. For both of us. Just say it. “What I really wanted to ask you about, was mares.”
(*) It would have been more embarrassing if he knew Twilight Sparkle was using her Audio Amplification spell to eavesdrop on their conversation. She heard ‘experiment’ and wanted to find out more. She did.
—

“Mmm?” One cupcake became totally engulfed in an icing blob as Mrs. Cake looked a little startled.

“Well, one mare. Anyway, you’re aware of the rumors going around about Twilight Sparkle and myself, right?”

There was a pregnant pause before Mrs. Cake responded. “Mm-huh.” Apparently she had regained her composure also, as she began making little floral borders with the icing tube.

“Well, we haven’t. Been together, that is. I hardly know her, and what I do know keeps turning around on me. It’s bad enough my parents were trying to marry me off to—” He stopped with a shudder and caught a sympathetic look from Mrs. Cake⁽¹⁾. “Anyway. All of my life, I’ve acted as I’ve been told. Prep school, college, I even played the clarinet. Do you know how hard it is for earth ponies to play the clarinet?”
(1) Miss Bee Tress spent considerable time at Sugarcube Corner, and found it quite humorous.
—

“Um-hum.”

“Everypony in town seems to be trying to stick Twilight and myself together, and that makes it really hard to tell if I’m attracted to her because I’m being pushed, pulled, or...” He trailed off and glanced back to the table where Twilight was sitting motionless, as if she were deep in thought.⁽²⁾
(2) Or concentrating on a spell. Although she was deep in thought at the same time.
—

“Do you promise not to tell anypony else? Pinkie Promise?”

“Um mm mumph um mump um muh, umm um ummumuh um um umu!”

“I’ve spent so much time being afraid of commitment, that I’m not even sure I can anymore. And if I can, how do I know she can? She’s been through much worse than I have. Although she has better parents.” As if that were the first pebble dislodged from the impending avalanche, the words all came spilling out at once. His confused feelings for Twilight Sparkle had been dammed up since they met, and he felt better for finally having it out. He finally trickled to a halt and looked at Mrs. Cake for her advice.

“Uh-huh.” For a mare with a frosting tube in her mouth, Mrs. Cake had a quite effective look of sympathy.

“That’s only the half of it. You know how I’m always careful to have an adult present while working with the students to keep any wild rumors or misunderstandings from cropping up? Like when Pinkie Pie has been working with me on Sweetie Belle’s shyness problem upstairs.”

“Mm?”

“Turns out Sweetie has a shy horn. Not really unusual, although mostly it occurs with older male unicorns. Thanks to Pinkie Pie’s help, we made a real breakthrough. If I can get her to reliably use her magic while singing in private where nopony can see, maybe we can slowly work her up to small audiences.”

“Uh? Hm, um unh.” The baker’s blue coat became slightly tinged with a fierce blush as she continued to put little pink sugar flowers on pastries.

“Well, anyway. I’ve been so concerned about my own reputation, I had not really considered Twilight’s until — this is still covered under the Pinkie Promise, right?”

“Uh-huh⁽³⁾.”
(3) The ancillary clause provision of all Pinkie Promises cover this situation.
—

“She got drunk one night, by accident, and staggered into my wagon. Affectionate too.” He blushed, glancing back at the table to make sure nopony was watching, but Twilight was still looking intently at her table. “I made sure to get her back to her library without the whole town seeing and tucked into her own bed, untouched. Do you know how weird it is to do the right thing without thinking about it?”

“Huh-uh.”

“Well, I suppose you’re right. Mr. Cake is such a gentlecolt, he always does the right thing. What does that make me?”

Mrs. Cake held out a hoof at about foal level, then slowly began to raise it.

“Older, I see. No? Oh, mature. Right.” He scowled weakly and looked down at the floor. “Maturity sucks.”

Green Grass sighed and turned part-way to leave. “I guess I’m just confused, that’s all.” His attempt to return to the table was blocked by one blue foreleg when Mrs. Cake swept him up and gave him a giant-sized warm hug⁽⁴⁾. “Thanks.”
(4) Rated 4.7 of 5.0 on the Twilight Velvet logarithmic scale. Pinkie had been giving lessons.
—

“Anytime.” The baker gave the top of his head a quick rub, making his mane stand up on end⁽⁵⁾ before whispering in one ear. “For what it’s worth, I was furious at you earlier. I thought you had been… cheating on Twilight with Pinkie Pie.”
(5) And slightly pink from frosting.
—

“Pinkie Pie?” repeated the tutor in disbelief. He gave a quick look over his shoulder to make sure the pink party pony was still with her friends before whispering back, “I think I’m only Twilight level crazy, Pinkie needs… I’m not sure, but you’ll know it when you see it. Probably from miles away. In pink.”

The two of them shared a cautious laugh at the thought before Mrs. Cake peeled the squished cake decorating tube off Green Grass’ chest, and he went back to the ongoing party. It was kind of interesting, in an abstract way, to see how the six friends played off each other and Spike. Like multi-colored peas in a pod, or even neatly arranged thesis pages, their order was not inherent on the surface, but below their obvious nature. If some giant were to pick them all up and arrange them in spectral or alphabetical order, they would naturally gravitate back to their present order, just like magic. But if a powerful unicorn cast a sorting spell, it would destroy their natural ordering, enforcing a new ordering that they would then treat as the norm. Without some map, or key removed from the ordering before the spell, it would be impossible for them to regain their original state, although unlike a thesis, they would still be happy. There had to be something there, a key of some sort. He absent-mindedly wiped a blob of pink icing off his chest and licked it while thinking. The only thing that was not actually in the wagon when it was sorted, that had been there before, was—

“Hey Twi?” Applejack pointed at the blankly staring tutor with the huge smear of pink icing across his chest. “Your coltfriend is staring.”

“He’s got a nice coat of icing,” giggled Pinkie Pie. “Do you want me to get the cupcake icer so we can make you match? His and Her’s desserts.”

Green Grass ignored Pinkie and waved one hoof vaguely. “Twilight, could you use me as a key for your unscrambling spell?”

“No. It would be too dangerous.” Twilight scooped up a napkin and went over to scrub off icing. “I can see what you were thinking, though. You were in the wagon originally when the thesis was in the base state and should retain some of the essence of its order. I could try using your hat, I suppose, but it doesn’t have any thaumaturgical resonance with the rest of the thesis.”

“The book,” said Green Grass suddenly. “The history book I was writing notes in!”

“That’s right, the book!” Twilight dropped the napkin and began drawing on his icing-smeared chest with one hoof. “It could work! The book holds a synergistic parallel to the rest of your thesis along with chronological development…” She drew furiously, spreading the icing across his body and making him cross his eyes and bite his tongue to keep from giggling. Arcane runes had almost reached his flank before Twilight finished with, “…carry the two… YES!” Flush with her victory over theoretical failures, Twilight Sparkle happily hopped around Green Grass before grabbing him firmly and kissing him right on the lips. “You genius! That deserves two!”

The tutor was not exactly on firm hooves after the first kiss, the second one dropped him to his rump on the floor as Twilight teleported out of the bakery.

A brilliant flash of light filled the room just moments after Twilight’s disappearance, illuminating Green Grass’ crimson cheeks and crossed eyes in exhausting detail for a photograph that would be treasured by a certain amateur photographer for years.

“Rainbow!”

“Hey, don’t sweat it. I’ll make you and her mom copies. I wish I could have gotten Twilight in the picture too.”

Ch. 23 - Second Chances

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Second Chances

“Hold still. You’re smearing.” Twilight Sparkle dipped her quill into the inkwell and continued to carefully transcribe runes onto the inside walls of the tutor’s wagon, expressing only minor irritation at the movement of her notes, and the medium they were written on.

“You could have used paper,” groused Green Grass weakly, still holding the ice pack to his eye while keeping his flank inscribed with Twilight’s pink frosting notes turned to the busy researcher. The scratching noise of her quill on the walls of his home brought an itchy trembling up his sticky frosting-covered flanks, made only worse by her habit of inking the quill at erratic points during the process just when he had gathered the willpower to speak. Even with the icepack over his swollen eye, he still could not resist the occasional glance backwards to see the intense way she concentrated on her task, that magnificent mind focused on a single idea through those beautiful eyes. It seemed to be a futile effort, for every time he stole a glance over his shoulder, he always seemed to catch her at the exact instant she was looking away.

Finally, as if he could no longer stand the scratching of her quill, he blurted out, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” The infernal scratching continued without a pause. “For what?” She carefully dunked her quill and continued her drawing.

“The icepack. Unscrambling my thesis. Everything.” He sighed and looked up in the library branches. “We’re being watched. One of Fluttershy’s birds?”

“Yes.” As Green Grass watched the bird, the trees, and random passing dust motes in order to avoid any more awkward conversation, the scratching continued. It lasted through three dunks in the inkwell until she added, “Thanks.”

“What for?” He shifted positions so Twilight would not have to crane her neck so much to read her notes, still feeling a bit unnerved that she was looking at him so intently he could almost feel fire on his flank.

“Being a convenient notepad.” She scratched away, continuing to talk only during the occasional times she would dunk the quill for more ink. “Giving me a second chance.” The scratching changed tempo, becoming slower. “Dunking me in the fountain.”

“Huh?”

The scratching came to an abrupt stop.

“Would you rather I thank you for not making me walk drunk through the town in the morning traffic? Took me a while, and a memory spell, but I remember everything about that morning.” The scratching started up again as if it had never paused.

“Oh. Everything?”

The scratching seemed to gain in volume, as if the writer were leaning on the quill with greater intensity. “Yes. Turn a little more to the left.” The scratching went on unabated for a while until Twilight added, “Everything.”

He flicked an ear in irritation and shifted the soggy ice pack higher on his head. “Anypony would have done that.” He winced at her snort of derision. “Well, not any pony. I suppose you’ve met some real winners.”

The scratching stopped. “Yes, but not one of them took me in his firm embrace with tender, heartfelt words of passion, long concealed behind a mask for one you adored beyond words but could never find the courage to express in physical form. We kissed, our passion igniting a fire of love that exploded into a volcano of desire, overwhelming your innermost willpower until you could not resist the temptation to...”

The cringing tutor had fairly curled into a ball of mortification with his tail tucked between his legs as far as it would go and the icepack forgotten on the ground. “I didn’t do that. Did I? Did we?”

“No, but Rarity thinks we did.” The scratching of the quill started up again, so lightly it could barely be heard.

“I’m sorry.”

The scratches slowed behind him, becoming longer and more rhythmic. “Why?”

“Because I don’t want your friends to think any less of you.”

The scratching slowed even more. “Well, that’s an improvement.”

Green Grass could not bear to look back anymore, and maintained his solid eye contact with the warbling bird while trying to ignore the sounds of the quill. Just because he was ignoring it, did not mean it ceased to exist, but instead it seemed to grow in volume until the echoes resounded inside his hollow head. He barely heard Twilight’s voice when she asked a question.

“Why did you run into the doorframe on the way out of Sugarcube Corner?”

Picking up the ice pack and putting it back on his face to dampen the physical stinging did little to nothing for the bruise to his ego, but it did allow him a respite from the infernal quill. “I wasn’t thinking well. I was confused. Your father says that’s a dangerous sign.”

The scratching of the quill started up again in soft, regular strokes as if Twilight Sparkle were drawing a series of short parallel lines. “What do you think?”

“I think... wait.” Green Grass turned around and looked at where Twilight was casually leaning on the inside of his wagon doorway and cleaning her quill on a rag. “I think you’re done drawing your symbols.”

“Got it in one.” Twilight Sparkle moved down the ramp and closed the door, revealing the drawing she had created⁽*⁾.
(*) Technically she revealed both drawings she had created: the one on the door, and the mirror image of it on her own flank where she leaned against the still wet drawing.
—

The tutor looked aghast at first, then thoughtfully at the back door to his wagon while attempting to come up with an adequate description that would not get him killed, finally settling on “The cutie mark is fairly accurate.”

“Do you think I got the proportions correct? This is the back door to your house after all. I thought it only proper to put a picture of your backside on it.” The drawing of the rear end of Green Grass looked entirely proportional, as if he were walking through the door, only not quite all the way through yet. Not quite what normal ponies put on their back door, but he had to admit, it was almost perfectly accurate except for the size of one thing.

“My butt is not that big.”

“Maybe not, but it will be if you don’t start exercising some of those donuts off.”

“Mumph. At least you didn’t draw the welts.” Green Grass nodded sagely, in an attempt to at least appear as if he had a choice in the decision while attempting not to laugh at the matching inverted drawing where Twilight had apparently backed up into the wet ink on the door.

* * *

The basis for the unsorting spell was fairly simple, even though the casting was horribly complicated. Twilight must have flipped through the defaced history book a dozen times in preparation, changing her position microscopically or shifting the location of a single hoof. Green Grass knew he should not feel guilty at the anxiety that coursed through his body, but he still had a strange urge to look at her cutie mark and compare it with the drawing on the door.

Nerves. That’s all it is. What’s the absolute worst thing that could happen? She could incinerate the whole wagon, all of father’s books and my thesis. Six months and I could rebuild it. Or the attempt could hurt her.

The urge to call out to her and stop the spell flared up and was tamped down repeatedly. He fidgeted, much like a stallion awaiting a birth, helpless to the end results but so dependent on them. Finally, she planted all four hooves and he could feel a light wind begin to stir the grass, highlighting the entire area in a radiant purple that prickled across his coat and itched behind the ears.

She’s magnificent.

Ripples of subdued power seemed to surge through the wagon in the rhythm of a heartbeat of an immense sleeping beast. The surges began to increase in frequency, making waves in Twilight’s mane and coat like they were wheat in a gusting summer wind and giving an iridescent golden shine to the tips of each hair. Slowly, as if reluctant to emerge into the persistent light, the first book slid out from the bookshelf and began to whirl around the room, soon followed by a second, and a third until the desk drawers flung themselves open and Twilight became nearly invisible behind a wall of papers. Threads of red and blue began to add to the spiraling papers, spinning around until they stuck, one at a time to the wagon floor and down each one slid a paper or book to settle into place. They nestled together with little rustling noises like baby birds setting in next to their mother, each shuffling slightly as their brother or sister paper would land on the growing paper quilt. He did not realize he was walking forward until his flank touched Twilight’s with a faint crackle of electrical discharge and the tingle of ozone just as the last paper touched the floor.

The urge flowed through him without resistance, and he leaned over to kiss her gently on the cheek, only to have her turn and meet his lips fiercely. Throwing a foreleg behind his neck, she leaned unexpectedly into him with a passion that both terrified and excited him. The hairs on his coat were standing on end, although he was unsure whether it was because of the magical charge or the sensation that surged through his body at her touch. Time itself seemed to stop while the world narrowed down to nothing but the two of them, wrapped in each other’s embrace. Eventually the need for breathing overtook their desire, and both pulled away from each other to gasp for air.

“That was... whoa.” Green Grass leaned against the side of his uncomfortable bookshelves and panted.

“Wow. Really... different than the first one.” Twilight Sparkle fanned herself with a history book, leaning against the other wall of the house regardless of the lumpy bookshelf.

A fierce blush swept over Green Grass, and he held a hoof to his lips. “Uh-oh. I’m sor—”

“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry!” interrupted Twilight sharply. “That was fantastic. I mean—” She coughed and stood straight, looking around the cluttered room. “Everything appears to be in order here. Don’t you think so?”

Green Grass coughed also, looking carefully around the floor for his common sense, or what was left of his wits. “Yes, it does. I think I’m ready to continue...” A quick glance at the clock dropped his heart into his hooves. “Darn. I’ve got a lesson in a few minutes over at Roseluck’s.”

“And I’ve got an experiment running in the basement that needs feeding,” mumbled Twilight, looking at the clock as if sheer willpower could make it run backwards. “I really wanted to increase my sample size.”

“Increase the confidence interval,” murmured Green Grass, trying to keep his eyes off Twilight and failing.

“You know what I want to do,” breathed Twilight, looking Green Grass straight in the eyes. “And I know you do too.”

“It’s been a long time,” admitted the tutor, nearly touching noses with Twilight.

“I’m certain you will remember just how,” whispered Twilight, gently bumping noses with him. “How about we meet back here after your classes are over? And we can work on continuing our... little project.”

“A date?” asked Green Grass, taken aback slightly, only to relax as Twilight’s entire face seemed to glow with a joyous smile that nearly blinded him.

“A study session. Now come on, let's get going. The sooner we get done with our projects, the sooner we can get back here.”

* * *

Green Grass carefully spread his ammunition out on the platform before looking at his two little students: Sweetie Belle and Sun Glimmer. There was a shimmering aura of resentment across both of the little unicorn fillies which had started with a disputed juice box last year, and now focused on their teacher who had just dropped them both together for a ‘little project.’ They both were a little confused; their normal attempts to disrupt lessons or object about working together which worked so well with Miss Cheerilee had just bounced off their new tutor with about the same effect as a firefly trying to outshine the sun. The tutor just fairly glowed with happiness, and neither of them would admit it, but it was just a bit contagious.

“Mrs. Cake, are you ready?”

The baker gave a nervous nod while checking the assembly line they normally only used for high-volume orders. Pinkie Pie had produced a dozen trays of unfrosted cupcakes for the occasion, and Green Grass was perched at the top end of the conveyor belt, his supply of unfrosted goodness all lined up and ready.

“Now, for the last time. This isn’t a race. When a cupcake comes by, scoop it up, frost it, and set it back on the belt. Mrs. Cake will box them up at the other end.”

Sun Glimmer glared resentfully at Sweetie Belle while holding her frosting tube proudly in her magical aura, the green glow only flickering occasionally. Sweetie glared back across the tube held in her mouth, being unable to hold onto it in unicorn fashion and having to settle for earth pony style.

“And just to make things interesting, I borrowed Pinkie’s record player and some old record she had laying around. Let’s get started!”

The record started spinning as Green Grass dropped his first cupcake on the conveyor belt, an action that seemed to take all of his concentration and allowed the two rival fillies to glare at each other seemingly unnoticed.

“Bet I can frost more than you can,” whispered Sun Glimmer.

“Mummph mum um,” whispered Sweetie Belle back, through bared teeth.

“You’re on!” shouted Sun Glimmer, grabbing the first cupcake down the belt and giving it a squirt of frosting.

Ear-blasting notes of Sapphire Shores filled the room, rattling the pictures on the walls and even Mrs. Cake at the other end of the belt began to sway to the beat. One frosted cupcake after another was popped into a box to the beat of the music, with two happy adults at either end of the conveyor, and two rapidly unwinding fillies in the middle.

“Yeah!” shouted Sun Glimmer as she popped a frosted concoction back on the belt and gave a half twirl.

“Mumph!” mumbled Sweetie Belle as she duplicated her classmate’s move and added a double hoof-tap.

“Chorus!” shouted Sun Glimmer.

♫ You’re never too old to rock!
You’re never too old to roll!
So pick up your hooves and make ‘em groove
Until you lose controoooolllll ♫

“Guitar solo!” shouted Sweetie Belle as the two fillies jumped up on their cupcake decorating platforms, holding the frosting bags as if they were guitars and jamming ferociously to the deafening chords, neither of them noticing the ear-to-ear grin on their tutor’s face at the matching green auras on their makeshift instruments and each of their horns.

* * *

“Okay Spike, you’ve got the checklist for tonight, right?” Twilight Sparkle fairly hopped around the library, reorganizing the already over-organized bag she had prepared for tonight.

“For the fifth time, Twilight.” Spike glanced at her happily trotting around the library and broke into laughter again, before wiping his eyes and trying to get serious. “Yes. I got most of it done while you were out this afternoon, shopping.” The little dragon’s eyes narrowed with suspicion. “I thought we bought everything you needed yesterday.”

“I told you, Spike. I’ve got a new project, and I needed to buy some special things for it.”

“Uh-huh. Is that why you didn’t want me along while you were shopping? Did you buy anything for your new coltfriend? I think he’s rubbing off on you.” Spike snickered at Twilight’s weak glare.

“He’s not my coltfriend. We have a mutually beneficial research project I’m helping him with, that’s all.”

“Then why are you blushing?”

“I am not! I’m just excited about — you don’t need to know.”

“I noticed on my checklist, you wrote ‘Lock the library door’ right before ‘Go to sleep and no staying up late trying to spy on us.’ Are you planning on teleporting back into the library when you two are done, or are sleeping with him tonight?”

“Spike! We are not sleeping together! Very often. Except for recently. And it’s just sleep.”

The unasked question of what ‘it’ might turn into in the future drifted unspoken through the library air.

* * *

As the reddish clouds of sunset began to darken, heralding the arrival of the moon and casting the town into twilight, the unicorn named Twilight fidgeted nervously inside the library. She had agonized between arriving too early and having to wait on Green Grass inside his wagon, or too late and possibly finding him fast asleep, or worse, having started without her. When she finally broke free of her nervous indecision⁽¹⁾, she found the green stallion standing quietly outside his wagon, looking at the artistic depiction of his rear that now graced the back door of his home.
(1) ‘Broke free’ being defined as when Spike finally dragged her to the door and pushed her outside, locking the door behind her.
—

“I’m sorry,” whispered Twilight sharply as she scurried up to his side, the bag of supplies drifting along in her wake. “I’m late.”

The green tutor turned gracefully to her, a look of mischievous joy on his face. “Fear not, M’Lady, who’s cheeks doth glow brightly with the fire of new life. I shall take responsibility for my actions and hie with thee to the chapel to take you as my bride before the fruit of our night of passion becomes obvious to the world. I regret not that my affection for thee was long concealed behind a mask, only that the volcano of desire that thou hath ignited in mine heart was— What are you doing? Did you buy me ros—” The bouquet of yellow roses that Twilight had levitated out of her bag of supplies began to whack Green Grass vigorously over the head while his impromptu declaration of love rapidly became fragmented.

“Love hurts!—Ow!—Thorns!—Ow!—Mercy, M’Lady fair! Mercy!”

Twilight stopped, the remains of the tattered bouquet held firmly in front of her like the sword of an avenging angel, her stern, fierce frown badly weakened by giggles from seeing one of the roses ensnared in his silly hat and pointing to the sky, like a horn.

“Not that kind of late?” he asked with a grin.

“No.” She sighed in familiar frustration as she tucked the flowers back into her bag. “I swear it seemed like everypony in town this afternoon had a goofy smile or a case of the giggles.”

She broke off at a snort of laughter from Green Grass, which cut off abruptly as she turned to chastise him and only saw a perfectly innocent face⁽²⁾ returning her stern expression.
(2) Green Grass, being a late-bloomer, had been in not one, but two different cutie mark searching organizations, and was quite proficient in the Look of Extreme Innocence.
—

“What?”

“Nothing. So, are you… um… ready to get started?”

“Oh, yes. I can hardly wait. Are you... um... You seem to have more icing on you now than before.”

“Yeah.” Green Grass rubbed a hoof through his mane, coming away more pink than green. “On the third guitar solo, Sweetie Belle’s magic flared and her ‘guitar’ blew up.”

“Oh, that’s bad.”

“Are you kidding?” Green Grass struck a heroic air guitar stance. “It’s awesome! Any Flare that you survive without being turned into a potted cactus is a good Flare. I’ll take pink sugar over prickly pear any day of the week.”

“Still, we can’t work on our project if you’re all covered with frosting. I’m not licking you clean.” Twilight turned away from the blushing tutor and called quietly into the air. “Rainbow, it’s an emergency. Can I get one quick wash and dry for our town’s little tyke tutor?”

“Sure thing!” A pegasus-propelled cloud descended over Green Grass before he could react, and a torrent of rain blasted out, encouraged by a certain rainbow-maned weather pony energetically hopping up and down on the top. Despite the faint gurgle of nearly drowned pony, he was quickly encircled by a rapidly circling Rainbow Dash and in moments, Green Grass stumbled out, clean and dry, only with a tangled mane that could double for Pinkie Pie’s.

“He sure does clean up well, doesn’t he Twilight?” Rainbow Dash paused to admire her work, only to be magically snagged by the tail and suspended in midair in front of a simmering Twilight Sparkle.

“Rainbow, do you remember when I asked you to stop following us?”

“Sure, Twilight.” Despite being upside down, the pegasus still fought to keep from chuckling.

“Well, before I throw you from here to Canterlot, what is so funny?”

Rainbow pointed, finally breaking out in full-fledged laughter. “You’ve got his butt on your butt.”

Twilight Sparkle turned to look at her own flank with chagrin. There, in an exact mirror image of the drawing she had inked onto Green Grass’ door, was an ink outline of the tutor’s cutie mark as well as several of the other lines that had not fully dried when she had brushed up against them earlier that day. “You mean I’ve been walking around with that on my flank all day?”

Behind her, Rainbow Dash quietly made her escape, leaving Green Grass to his fate.

“I don’t know, I’ve walked around all the time with my own flank — Good point, why don’t we go inside and work on our project.” It was magical to see the change on her face, from irritated to irresistible as she fairly bounded up the ramp to the door, only to pause as the door refused to open.

“Oh. I forgot. I put a privacy ward over the wagon when I left, and didn’t key it to us. Sorry. Just let me...” There was a flicker in the faint violet field wrapped around Green Grass’ wagon and Twilight ducked inside, followed by the tutor, who paused at the doorway and turned to address the apparently empty yard around the library to make an announcement.

“May I have your attention, please? We would like a little privacy, so go home before I talk to your parents! Thank you.” With a flick of his tail, the tutor vanished back inside his wagon before the low purple glow of the shield spell resumed.

Emitting a sigh lamenting reduced cutie mark earning possibilities, a trio of low bushes near the library sprouted hooves and trudged away, along with a trash can, two shrubs, and one somewhat-depleted cloud⁽³⁾.
(3) Roll Call: Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, Dinky Doo, Snips, Snails, and Rainbow Dash.

* * *

“Did you… um… get everything for tonight?” mumbled Green Grass as he glanced around his cramped and now cluttered wagon living area in embarrassment.

“I think so.” Twilight poked into the bag, extracting various items they would probably need. “I’m out of practice. I haven’t done anything like this with anypony since school, and even then I didn’t get much of a chance. Being as I was the student of the Princess, after all. Nopony asks you to do this unless they have an ulterior motive. Are you nervous?”

“Yep.” Green Grass forced himself to lie down and press his nose into the thick carpet of papers across the wagon floor. “It’s not like I’ve never done this before. There was college, I suppose.”

“Out of practice?” asked Twilight with a hopeful lilt in her voice. “I think I can help.”

“Thank you, Twilight.” The tutor did not even raise his nose from the book, but concentrated on his breathing to keep from falling over in a dead faint from stress. “I owe you more than I could ever repay.”

“I’ll think of something.” One purple hoof threaded hesitantly through his poofy mane before she giggled and withdrew it.

After a deep breath to calm his threadbare nerves, Green Grass gritted his teeth. “Let’s get started.”

Sociopolitical Implications of the Pony/Griffon Conflict
surrounding the Battle of Pericorn Heights in 615 G.E.
by
Green Grass

A dissertation submitted to the Graduate Faculty of
Canterlot University
in partial fulfillment of the requirements
for the Degree of
Masters of History…

Ch. 24 - Breaking Up is Hard to Do

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

The first light of morning breaking through his wagon’s tiny upper window while the birds sung outside was becoming wonderfully familiar, a highlight to the heartwarming sensation of a soft purple body draped comfortably across his back with her chin nestled damply on his shoulder. The faint stirrings of last night’s study buddy as she began her slow rise from sleep to wakefulness gave Green Grass a mixture of comfortable domestic warmth with a growing tiny prickle of unease in his empty belly that he could not ignore. One purple hoof appeared momentarily at the edge of his vision, running through his tangled mane to rest on a shoulder while she stretched, sending a spike of excitement through him that he crushed relentlessly.

Whoa there, dummy. That wasn’t addressed to you. Calm down and try to act at least a little mature. Perhaps a bit of humor?

“Pardon me, Mademoiselle Sparkle. We simply must stop meeting each other this way.”

“Why?”

For a brief moment his scrambled brain could not think of a response, and then it all came crashing down around him. Everything from Princess Celestia, to both sets of their parents showed the foolishness of his course of action. She was a nationally revered bearer of the Elements of Harmony, while he was only the last-born son of an obscure noblepony. There was no Romeo and Juliet here, no Princess and Noble Redeemable Rogue, only him and her. All he was doing was stringing an innocent young mare on for an eventual and inevitable crash. In just a month or two, he would shoulder his home upon his back like some literate turtle and trudge down the road to his next set of students. In a year or more when he returned, she would most probably have found another stallion more worthy and be swollen with foal, while he would be an embarrassing reminder of a relationship that never could be. All the warmth of the morning drained out of him like a good dunking in the fountain. Even looking at the substantial collection of assembled thesis pages and notes they had managed to complete in an enormously successful night only managed to turn the chill blast into a lukewarm trickle.

What we are doing… no, what I am doing to her by believing in this false hope is cruel and wrong. I can’t tell her now, not after spending the night rebuilding my thesis and cuddling. She’ll think I was just trying to take advantage of her. And she’d be right.

It hurt to see her stumbling around the cramped quarters of his tiny house in a domestic daze, much akin to his own mother before her first cuppa. Twilight Sparkle was obviously not a morning pony⁽*⁾, and he just did not have the heart to tell her. Not now. But when?
(*) Or a mid-morning pony or really an any time before her first gallon of coffee pony.
—

“M’got eggs at home, if you wanna come over for breakfast?” she mumbled, with a yawn and a stretch of delightful purple that extended all the way across his home, a languorous extension that pinned him into a triangular corner next to the closed drawer holding his carefully organized thesis notes⁽¹⁾.
(1) With a second magically created copy teleported back into the library before they curled up for the night, just in case.
—

Both of Green Grass’ ears drooped low as he mumbled, “Sorry, I need to get going. Schedules, you know.” Twilight nodded and trudged out his door with another yawn. Even the sight of his own inked cutie mark on her flank did not cheer him up measurably.

“K. I’ll be back t’nite so we can get to work on it. I’ll leave the screen up in case you get crusaders. You sure you don’t want at least eggs? They’re unfertilized.” She grinned weakly as she continued stumbling to her own library door, vanishing inside with one last yawn and a wink.

The smile that Green Grass had managed to put on vanished like the morning dew.

* * *

“Good morning, Applejack. One fritter and an apple please.”

“Bit short for your morning feed,” said the farm pony, retrieving the desired items from her market cart and hoofing them over in return for bits. “Bit early for you too. Didn’t you normally sleep in till about noon last year?”

“I’m not sure.” The apple fritter went down the hatch into the cavernous empty area that was his stomach without a thought or the slightest bit of joy that normally accompanied the delicious treat. “Ever since I met Twilight, my schedule’s gone to heck. The market’s less crowded today, I suppose.”

“Yeah, kind of a gap ‘tween breakfast and lunch crowd. So what pried y’all out of bed so early this morning?”

“Twilight,” he said reflexively while looking at the apple for a good starting spot to bite. “Once she woke up, I don’t think we could get back to sleep anyway.”

He turned the apple over and over in his hooves, wishing he could just hide or run away from his problem, instead of lying about it. Applejack was the bearer of the Element of Honesty, the one pony who could see through any deception he had ever tried to pull. She was Twilight’s friend, and that meant he was lying to her too, just by standing outside her apple cart. The wreckage he would leave behind by hurting Twilight would include all of her friends, the Princesses, and possibly Equestria.

“Oh, I feel like Tartarus, Applejack. I lied to her.” The confession poured out as if he were unloading a huge weight from his back. “She spent the whole night with me after we finished working on my thesis, she actually trusts me, and the first thing I do when we kick off the covers is to lie straight to her beautiful face. I’m a jerk.”

“What’d you lie to Twi about?” Silently, the farmer withdrew a stout hickory stick from under the wagon bed and held it ready, just in case it was needed to adjust an attitude.

Green Grass hung his head in shame. “She invited me into the library for breakfast, and I told her I had something else scheduled. And I didn’t.”

“Huh?”

“Oh, I’m no good for her. I know it. You know it. Everypony in town knows it. I’m just getting her hopes up with false expectations that will tear her up when I leave. She’s like some princess in her oaken tower, guarded by a fierce dragon, and I’m just the fat, delusional pony who trims the rosebushes.”

“You ain’t fat, yer just a little outta shape.”

“I’m fat.”

“From what I hear from Apple Bloom, yer doin’ a right fine job teaching Sweetie Belle how to use her magic.”

“It’ll probably let the Cutie Mark Crusaders destroy the world somehow⁽²⁾.”
(2) Or release Discord from his stone prison.
—

“And Twi ain’t dropped you in the fountain for a whole day now.”

“It’s the only shower I’ve been getting lately, other than from Rainbow Dash.”

Applejack’s brows lowered. “You been showering over at Rainbow’s? Anything else you been gettin’ over there?”

* * *

“Really, darling.” Rarity happily continued working on her latest creation, surrounded by a virtual halo of flying tools. “I don’t know why you would want to talk to me about Twilight, when she practically lives in your cute little love nest. I heard from Spike that she didn’t come home last night again, you naughty little colt.”

This was clearly a time for a ladylike Giggle of Girlish Glee, and when she looked up, Rarity was tickled to see the tutor’s cheeks light up in a most delightful blush in reaction, although the expected smile was missing. In fact, he looked positively dreadful this morning, with an additional wrinkle in his crumpled hat, and the leftover smear of a smashed apple over one eye. She froze, stunned into silence as Green Grass began to talk in a flat, emotionless tone.

“You’re her friend, so I thought I’d talk to you about it. Applejack was less than sympathetic, but I deserved it, I suppose.” The handsome young tutor looked away from her, twisting one green hoof against the carpet in a fidget that had always irked Rarity when Sweetie Belle had used it against her.

“Deserved what, dear? Did you and Twilight have a fight?”

“No. Not yet.” There was a nervous twitch to the tutor’s tail that she had never seen before as he continued to fidget, looking everywhere in the room except at her. “I violated her trust.”

Throttling back an urge to leap up and throttle the miserable green creep, Rarity took a deep breath. “I… see.” In the kitchen far behind the stallion, a frying pan wrapped in blue magic slowly rose into the air and began its silent trip into the sewing room. “Do continue, please.”

“I don’t know what to say. She gave me the greatest gift anypony could ever give, and I’ve hurt her so badly by pretending to accept it. I don’t want to hurt anypony, and especially not her!”

“None of us ever want to hurt anypony,” said Rarity with a deeply sympathetic tone in her voice as the frying pan floated into position. “Sometimes it just happens.”

“This didn’t just happen. I did it to her. I need to leave her now before I hurt her any more than I already have.”

As the green stallion poured out his story about being inadequate to court her friend, Rarity felt a bitter and not totally ladylike ire begin to rise in her heart. While a noble stallion would never abandon his one true love, the sheer arrogant gall he was displaying showed just exactly how little he was thinking about Twilight’s real feelings and her judgement. Green Grass really had no idea just how Twilight’s poor innocent heart would be crushed by his removal of affection, but at least he was asking for advice, and as a true friend, it was her sacred duty to encourage him into making a decision more appropriate for the young lover’s destiny together.

Carefully levitating the frying pan over to a nearby shelf for future use, if needed to get through his thick skull, she gestured to the frilly pink party dress she had been working on before his arrival.

“Darling, I would just love to talk about your little problem with my friend, but I’m on a deadline with this project. If you could just hop up here and let me fit this outfit while you talk, it would save me a great deal of time.” The fashionista carefully grasped her latest creation in her magic and draped it over the stallion, and after a moment of thought, selected a pincushion with her bluntest and therefore most ‘encouraging’ pins. “Go ahead and talk, darling, and I’ll let you know what I think. I’ll just be pinning this seam across your flank.”

* * *

Tattered bits of pink cloth scattered down the road left a trail out of town to the surrounding hills, one of which was the location of a very strange sight, even for Ponyville. A huffing and puffing green stallion gasped his way up the side of the hill, still dressed in the remains of what had once been a frilly pink party dress, but now had been turned into a tattered wreck not even suitable for a dusting rag. Ahead of him floated an amateur photographer, skimming along a few yards above the road and dangling a camera in front of the stallion the same way one would tempt a dieter with a carrot.

“Rainbow Dash!” Green Grass panted for breath, his pursuit of the pegasus having slowed to a brisk walk even before the steep hill. “You come back… here right… now!”

Rainbow Dash simply laughed, doing a quick loop at the top of the hill and waving the camera at of him. “Are you kidding? A picture of you in a dress? It’s going to be pure comedy gold. I bet it will look pretty swank blown up to life size and sitting in your bachelor party. Or even at the wedding! That would be so cool!”

“There’s not going to be a wedding.” The tutor leaned against a tree and concentrated on just breathing without throwing up. The task was made much harder by the pain from several dull dressmaker pins which felt as if they were stuck deeply into his hide⁽³⁾.
(3) Because they were.

“I’m just not right for Twilight, and I want to break things off before they get too complicated, and she gets hurt more than I’ve already hurt her.”

It’s awfully quiet. Maybe Rainbow flew away.

Green Grass opened his eyes.

Or she’s standing in front of me, looking furious.

* * *

The light fall breeze blew gently through Green Grass’ frazzled mane, bringing the delicate scents of pine sap and the gentle rustling of the needles to his attention, a forlorn attempt by Nature to get him to actually open his eyes, instead of clutching frantically to his tree branch with all four limbs. The sounds of birds with their voices raised in song among the trees would have been a great comfort if they had just been farther away. And above him, instead of below.

“You’re right, Mister Squirrely. He is an awfully long ways from the ground for an earth pony.” The soft and gentle voice succeeded where all of Nature had failed, probably because it offered a possibility of escape from his treetop perch without the sudden impact of the ground below.

“Fluttershy,” he whispered with only one eye peeking half-way open to ensure the yellow pegasus and her little squirrel friend sitting in the top of his tree were not altitude-induced delusions. “Could I get you to do me a favor?”

Five harrowing minutes later when Green Grass had quit kissing the ground and was just laying there, all sprawled out in an attempt to touch as much immobile and blessedly solid ground as he could, he finally became aware of the shy yellow pegasus still hovering nearby.

“Thank you, Fluttershy. Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“You’re welcome, of course. But you’ve thanked me a few hundred times already, and I don’t even know how you got up in that tree. Is Twilight angry with you? I hope she isn’t angry with you. I don’t like to see my friends angry. Or trapped at the top of a tree.”

“No, Rainbow Dash stuck me up there when I told her I—” A sense of self-preservation long suppressed leapt to the front of Green Grass’ mind, clamping his mouth shut and giving him a moment of ground-bound thought.

Twilight’s friends react negatively to the news that you want to break up with her.

Yes, but this is Fluttershy.

How well do you really know her?

She’s Fluttershy. She’s afraid of her own shadow, and friends with every living thing.

I’m still worried about telling her.

Relax. She’s the last one you should be worried about.

No psychotic episodes? No backyard⁽⁴⁾ full of bodies?
(4) No, but she did have a shed.
—

She’s Fluttershy. It will be fine.

Well, okay. But I warned you.

* * *

The basement of Sugarcube Corner was dark, extremely dark⁽⁵⁾, so dark that darkness tended to pool together into little inky puddles that took light a few moments to evaporate away.
(5) It’s where they stored the dark chocolate, after all.
—

The darkness filled the basement in great abundance, but one thing the darkness thankfully did not have was bees. Or bears. Or badgers. Or any other woodland creature with claws, stingers, fangs, and a bad attitude about ponies who made their special friend Fluttershy cry.

It did have one frightened green stallion, however, and there were more than a few bee stingers and porcupine quills in his coat, if that counts.

“Hi Greenie!” Did we mention it also had⁽⁶⁾ a Pinkie Pie?
(6) Actually it just had a probability of a Pinkie Pie, due to the Hoofenberg Uncertainty Pinkie Principle that states: In any unobserved area, there is a finite probability of a Pinkie existing regardless of the existence of a Pinkie observed elsewhere.
—

The amount of time between the “Yikes!” and the solid thud of impact did not allow Green Grass to accelerate to a dangerous velocity in the pitch dark basement, but it did make his voice a bit shaky when he responded after bouncing off the wall.

“H-hello Pinkie.”

“What’cha doin?”

“I’m hiding from the bees.”

There was a rattling of the outside basement door and a sliver of afternoon sunlight lanced down into the darkness. “Hello? Is anypony down here?”

“Hello, Mr. Cake! Green Grass and I are hiding from the bees.”

There was a long pause until the voice of Mr. Cake⁽⁷⁾ slowly said, “Right,” and the door closed, once again plunging the basement into pitch darkness.
(7) Long term exposure to Pinkie Pie made the Cakes nearly immune to unusual events. Should aliens ever land in Equestria, the Cakes would be the perfect choice for ambassadors, able to cater lunch while negotiating long-term trade agreements in baked goods.
—

“You... um... haven’t talked to Fluttershy recently, have you?” asked Green Grass cautiously, still unsure exactly where Pinkie Pie was standing.

“Noperoini. You want me to go get her?”

“No!”

...

“Pinkie?”

“Yeeeeees?”

“Could you under any circumstances whatsoever imagine yourself being angry at me?”

“Nope!”

...

“No possible way?”

“Nope!”

“How about if I said you needed to go on a diet? Would that make you mad?”

“Nope! I am getting a tad pudgy around the middle.”

...

“You really like Twilight Sparkle, don’t you?”

“Yep, she’s my absolutest bestest friend ever, just like Applejack, and Rarity, and—”

“Would you be angry if somepony were to say something that would hurt her, even if they didn’t mean it?”

Pinkie giggled somewhere out in the basement, the walls echoing the noise in as if it came from all directions at once. “Of course not, silly. If they didn’t mean it, we could have an Apology Party, and everypony would laugh about it over ice cream and cake!”

“Oh.”

...

The words seemed to stream out of him under pressure, only to vanish into the inky darkness of the basement as if they had never been said. “I don’t think I should see Twilight Sparkle any more. Our relationship could never work out in the long run, and it would be best if we were to end it now so it would cause less pain for her.”

“But that would hurt Twilight, and make her sad.” Pinkie gave a little sniff out in the darkness.

“Better now, than later. Right?”

“You will still hurt Twilight very much, and make her very sad. That would make me very angry with you, Mister Green Grass.”

“B-but you said you would not be angry if somepony said something that hurt her even if they didn’t mean it!”

“Do you mean it?”

Green Grass’ voice died in his throat. There was some quality in Pinkie’s voice that the back of his herbivore hindbrain reacted to by lighting up a series of little signs labeled ‘Predator!’ and ‘Fire!’

“I didn’t say I couldn’t be angry at you, I just said I couldn’t imagine it. I don’t like to imagine bad things. They make my friends sad, and that makes me sad. When I’m sad, I’m really not a nice pony at all. I would much rather be happy. And if my friends are sad, there’s really only one way for me to be happy. Do you know what that is, Mister Green Grass?”

“A party?” he ventured cautiously, the darkness around him seeming to crush in on all sides.

“No,” said a husky voice that only vaguely sounded like Pinkie Pie, and echoed around the pitch-black basement. “Cupcakes. Would you like to help me make some cupcakes, Mister Green Grass?”

* * *

The basement door to Sugarcube Corner fairly exploded open as Green Grass emerged at high speed and still accelerating, making the turn at the end of the block with a long, four-hoof drift that sprayed turf and gravel in a wide arc before he vanished down the road in a clatter of hoofbeats.

Behind him, Pinkie Pie bounced up out of the basement with several sacks of flour and sugar on her back, and coughed several times to clear her lungs of flour dust. “Sheesh! If he didn’t want to help make cupcakes, he could have at least helped carry the ingredients upstairs.”

♫ We’re making cupcakes, cupcakes, cupcakes! ♫

* * *

Several hours later, as he lay in the spa mudbath with only his eyes and mouth sticking out, Green Grass mumbled quietly to himself. “And I thought dating her would be dangerous. Breaking up is going to kill me yet.”

Ch. 25 - A Moment in Time

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
A Moment in Time

That evening when Twilight Sparkle trotted out to Green Grass’ wagon with a happy gait, she was disappointed to find the polite stallion standing outside, just as carefully groomed as if he were attending a funeral. All of the joy seemed to have been drained out of him, with even his glossy green coat seeming dull and listless, but his eyes were the worst. Their normal mischievous twinkle was just gone, replaced by a dull blue glaze that just seemed to drive a spike right through her heart.

Before she could even say a word, Green Grass spoke in a listless monotone that sounded memorized.

“I think we should take a break from our project tonight, and go get a beer at Berry’s. Just one, and each sleep in our own beds tonight. For a change. We need to talk.”

* * *

The trip to Berry’s bar with the normally chatty stallion felt more like a trip to jail than a night out on the town. Whatever was bugging him about their relationship seemed contagious, every moment of his silence brought more doubt into her heart. Lying to him about remembering that night nibbled away at her heart. How could he trust her if she admitted to eavesdropping on him at Sugarcube Corner? Erasing a memory was easy, but using a memory spell to recall the forgotten ones from that night had been more than a little dangerous, because there was always the chance for wiping out the memory that was being sought, or creating a false memory that would be indistinguishable from reality. Even after the spell, she could only remember her stumble through the town vaguely, as if she were following some siren song that only she could hear. Or perhaps tracking him by scent. He had a nice bookish smell about him normally, if you could smell down past the fountain water and goldfish.

Tonight he smelled of spa, and a series of minor scratches, welts and bruises that peeked out from under his scroungy green coat bespoke a painfully difficult day indeed.

For herself, the day had been somewhat quiet and odd. Each one of her friends in turn had dropped by the library on one pretense or another to talk briefly on random topics before excusing themselves. They all seemed to have something bothering them too. Even Pinkie Pie had been excessively chatty as if she were worried about something, but that was a little silly. Pinkie never worried about anything serious, and if she did, she would have said something. Right?

Why do things have to be so complicated? I broke his thesis, but I fixed it. He should be feeling happy, not sad. There are so many things about the big lug that we were just beginning to experience, and now it feels as if he is building a wall to keep me out. Princess Celestia first sent me here to feel true friendship and afterwards she let me stay so that I would not be taken away from my friends. Could he be worried about the same thing, only on a deeper level? Commitment seemed to frighten him so much when he talked to Mrs. Cake, and it frightens me too. I should tell him! After all, my friends and I stood up against Nightmare Moon. Talking to him about the way I feel should be easy. So why isn’t it?

She had never really been to Berry’s bar before other than a quick peek inside. Green Grass obviously had, shucking off his hat and cloak onto a hook and plodding into the basement as if he were following a well-worn path thousands of hooves had trod before, which probably was not much of an overstatement. It was a bit of a shock to find out just how many members of the town frequented the establishment. As she glanced around the bar, she only saw familiar faces, and even Cheerilee was waving to her from a half-full back table.

“Hey, Green Grass. Your fellow teacher is waving to us over there. Why don’t we sit with them?”

The green stallion actually took several steps in the direction of the table before pulling up short. “No,” he said tersely. “That wouldn’t be a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“Unannounced teacher’s meeting. Upset parents. I bet I’m getting fired.” He gestured at the table where Superintendent Masters and Cheerilee seemed to be discussing something with several parents of his unicorn magic students until they had been interrupted. Five sets of staring eyes on her was an unnerving sight, but she firmed her resolve and continued walking over to the table, dragging Green Grass along in her wake regardless of his wishes.

“Good evening, everypony. Greenie and I were just taking a nice walk in the evening air and thought we would stop in for a quick drink. How nice to see you all here. Are you happy with how your children are progressing under his tutelage?”

“Not at all, young lady.” Pokey Pierce uncoiled from the table with a disappointed scowl on his somewhat flushed face, partially excused by the empty martini glass by his seat. “Your coltfriend has been useless. The only thing he’s done for my daughter is send her home with frosting in her mane.”

“He has my daughter clipping flowers, when she should be learning skills more applicable to becoming a doctor,” said Dr. Stable rather uncomfortably before taking another sip of mineral water. “Admittedly she’s gotten quite good at it, but no daughter of mine will be a hedgetrimmer.”

“I really don’t have a complaint about how well he does his work,” said a unicorn mare named Quick Fix nervously. “He’s been really good with our little Snips. Maybe a little too good. Now the house is o-overuun with sp-sp-spiders.” An involuntary shiver ran down Twilight’s back at the thought of the little hairy creatures, making her almost hit Green Grass in the face with her tail.

Both Superintendent Masters and Cheerilee remained quiet, although they both looked uncomfortable with their presence, and Green Grass poked gently at her flank. “Twilight. You’re making a scene.”

“I am not! I just want to—” She cut off sharply at a scowl from Green Grass and a short shake of the head. It seemed as every head in the bar was turned their direction, and Twilight blushed at the unwanted attention.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to jump in on your meeting, and I would like to apologize to all of you. Greenie and I will just sit over there, on the other side of the room.”

As she turned to leave, Pokey settled back down in his own seat and spoke just a little too loudly.

“Fake.”

* * *

Green Grass stopped breathing. Twilight stopped walking. “Excuse me?”

She remained locked in place with her tail still pointed at the teacher’s table, although Green Grass tried his best to silently encourage her to ignore the slight and keep moving. Pokey could not see the little tremble in her eyelid or feel the subtle change in the basement air that signaled the start of disaster, but the tutor did, and he tried to remember where all the fire extinguishers were in the bar.

“I said, he’s a fake.” Pokey Pierce locked eyes with Green Grass and glared. “No wonder my daughter has not progressed beyond—”

“Your daughter,” interrupted Green Grass in an attempt to save Pokey’s life, “is in the eightieth percentile for power, but only in the twentieth for control, something that you have not been teaching her. That little episode with the frosting was the first time I’ve gotten her and Sweetie Belle to both cooperate, which is critical if she is to develop her talent properly. These things take time.”

“Well, you’d have time if you weren’t chasing tail all over town.”

There is an ancient bar etiquette that states: When a fight is about to begin, the piano player must stop in mid-song and a deathly silence lasting a minimum of three seconds must ensure before violence begins. Twilight was not much for etiquette, and Berry’s bar did not have a piano.

There was a faint scraping noise of hooves on the floor when Twilight whirled around, swapping ends almost instantly while her horn fairly glared with purple light, followed by a loud but familiar ‘pop’ as Pokey Pierce vanished from the table.

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” The glare Cheerilee gave to Twilight encompassed every year of her teaching experience⁽*⁾, making the similarly experienced student drop into a nearby chair as if she had been tackled. “Yes, Ma’am!”
(*) The rumor that Princess Celestia taught a class in Teacher’s Glare is entirely false. Just because the Princess has a glare that could stop a manticore in its tracks, does not mean she shares that knowledge during the one hour closed meeting she conducts with all outgoing Canterlot teaching graduates each year. Unfortunately, Green Grass slept in that morning, and missed it.
—

“Where did you put him?”

Twilight wilted and mumbled. “...”

“Where?”

“The fountain.”

“Go get him out, right now and apologize! Don’t give me that look! And I’m going to want to speak with you after school— after our meeting is over. Now go!”

With a mumbled something that could have been assent, Twilight slouched out the door, leaving Green Grass alone in the bar. Well, as alone as the sole target of every eye in the room could ever be. He pulled a chair over to the teacher’s table and lowered his voice to talk with the two remaining parents privately before Pokey got back.

“Miss Fix, I think you could invite Snails over some night to go on a spider trapping hunt with Snips, but when they’re done, make sure they release them somewhere a long way from the library, please?” he added with a shudder. “And Dr. Stable, when you were your daughter’s age, did your parents let you loose with a knife to practice surgery on the neighborhood pets?”

The bluntness of the comment seemed to shock the doctor into a similarly sharp retort. “Of course not! That’s horrible! I never picked up a scalpel until medical school.”

“So why are you pushing Tootsie into doing things you never did at her age instead of letting her develop on her own? She has an amazing talent, you know. By the time she goes into medical school, if she does, she’ll have more experience holding a knife than any of her colleagues, even if she only uses it for careful surgery on plants. Next year, you may even get her to start needlepoint, if you don’t squash the fun she’s having now.” The doctor hesitated before giving a reluctant nod, and Green Grass scooted his chair back.

“Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to order a couple of beers and wait for Twilight. We have some things to talk about.”

“How are you and Twilight getting along?” asked Dr. Stable⁽¹⁾ abruptly.
(1) Not to imply that the Princess had ordered any kind of observation of her favorite student from the medical professionals in the town, but there was a slightly enhanced concern among the medical community over her mental well-being after she levitated a giant space-bear through town one night. Think of it as defensive medicine.
—

Green Grass paused in his retreat to wince. “We’re just taking a break from putting my thesis back together tonight. We have the whole thing laid— I mean outlined now, and I should be able to finish it on my own.”

“On your own?” asked Cheerilee. “I know you two have been having some relationship issues, but—”

“No. Sorry. We’re not really together. It was just a mistake on my part. One I intend on rectifying before it gets any more out of control than it already is. Excuse me, please.” He got up from the teacher conference and collected a pair of Berry’s homemade beers before settling down in a small table out of the way of normal traffic. When Twilight finally came back into the bar, looking vaguely guilty and more than a little angry, he flagged her down but still did not relax when she was seated.

“Did Pokey give you any problems?”

“No.” Twilight Sparkle scowled slightly and nodded in the direction of the teacher’s table. “Did they?”

“Yes. I’m probably still fired. Once a few parents file a complaint, it’s a lot easier just to get rid of the temp and hire a new one.”

“They can’t do that! I’ll go over and—”

“No.” It took all the willpower he could muster to meet her eyes, and even then it was just for a moment, holding his unopened beer as if it were a life preserver. The words he had practiced came out like frozen chunks of ice; they tore his throat to ribbons and froze his tongue.

She took it well. Well, she seemed to take it as a joke at first, then her expression got serious, and she did not speak at all. Still, he did not wind up in the fountain or exploring the moon, so it went better than expected. There was an exceedingly long period of time in the bar where they simply sipped their respective beers without a single word being said. When she reached the end of her first beer she turned down a second from Berry with the excuse that more than one beer made her sleepwalk, which almost made him smile again. Almost.

The chilly walk back to the library was made in silence under the silvery light of the radiant moon, as if the Goddess of the Night was determined to make their last night together as romantic as possible. Twilight insisted on helping finish their work on the thesis despite his half-hearted objections. It was only fair, she said. She had messed things up, she should help fix them. In the end, she had to threaten to inform Princess Celestia of his intransigence. He attempted to counter by threatening to inform the Princess of Pokey’s nighttime swim, she countered by accepting his offer, and volunteering Spike for the mail delivery for both.

He backed down. When his clock struck the designated hour, they both quit work on the thesis and stored their notes, Twilight taking the additional time and effort to magically copy their night’s work again and send it to the library. She insisted on letting him use the library bathroom for his nightly ablutions, and he did not fight. With freshly brushed teeth and encumbered heart, he trudged away from the library and crawled into his own cold and lonely bed.

A few short hours ago he had awoken warm and happy, without a care in the world. Now what? Behind him, the clock slowly clicked out the glacial seconds as he stared into the dark ceiling. The dread over having to break the news to Twilight had not diminished as he thought it would. Instead it loomed over him, larger and darker than ever before.

She knows this is better for the both of us. If it hurts this much now, imagine how much it would hurt later.

The comforter he curled up beneath gave him no comfort, and seemed to draw the heat from his body into the crisp fall air. Last year he had no problems sleeping in the wagon, enjoying his freedom from parents and school. Now it was all he could do not to think of being curled up with Twilight in front of her crackling fireplace, instead of alone in his cold bed lit by whatever flickering starlight came through the tiny window. The stars crawled by as he stared out into the darkness, uncaring, unemotional as they had shone for thousands of years before his birth and would continue to shine unabated when he had long turned to dust.

Luna truly did know loneliness; this could only be a small fraction of the loss she had experienced over the endless years of her life. It was no wonder the Princesses were not known to take a mortal mate. The hammerblows of loss as they would see their beloved wither and die, one after another would erode their adamantine souls even as he could feel the cracks in his own after but one short strike.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Alfred Lord Whinnyson was a liar. And a jerk. The Princesses probably knew the poet, so perhaps he could ask their opinion⁽²⁾ the next time they met. As if either Princess would lift a hoof to help him after this debacle.
(2) Actually, they would agree with him, although Celestia would add ‘Lecherous’ to the description.
—

He listened to the clock chime the hour again as he stared at the stars. Then after a while, it chimed again. At least he would not have to worry about his presence in town causing any lingering pain for Twilight or himself. After what she did to Pokey, even though he fully approved of her actions, there would be no way he was not fired.

There was a faint spinning to the room, as if an inky whirlpool were drawing him back into a long pattern of ‘discussions’ with his father, leading to an inevitable result of forced matrimony. Striking off on his own for another town was problematic because he had no marketable skills other than teaching unicorn magic, and without an advanced degree, his hornless state would place him at considerable disadvantage in the private employment market for unicorn tutors. The idea of mooching off distant relatives was distasteful, although his own house always seemed to have a distant cousin or feckless nephew staying for ‘just a week or two.’ At least he owned his wagon, if not the contents. The ownership of his own heart was what was truly in question. A month ago he was certain of its allegiance. Now it felt as if it had been removed, and another put in its place.

The faint click from his front door closing nearly escaped his notice as he brooded, but the dark figure that slipped unexpectedly into his bed and quickly curled up around him most certainly did not.

An agonizingly unhappy look was draped raggedly across Twilight’s beautiful face. In the moonlight he could see damp tear tracks down both cheeks, and her cold body trembled against his under the thick comforter.

“I have to ask. Are you wanting us to break up because you don’t like me anymore, or because you don’t want to hurt me?”

“Because I don’t want to hurt you,” he answered instantly.

“Then why can’t you see how much you’re hurting me?” she sobbed, mashing her damp face into his neck.

There was really no response for that. All he could do is hold her close and wait for the crying to end. It seemed contagious.

“You didn’t even ask,” she grumbled with an angry poke at his ribs and a sniffle.

There was no real response he could make to that either, other than to hold her even closer. Finally after a long time, he managed to say, “Yes. You’re right.”

“Of course I’m right,” came her muffled, indignant response. “I wouldn’t have come over here and crawled back into your bed if I was wrong. It took forever to chart it down to just two hypotheses.”

He raised one eyebrow and tried to look at her face, but Twilight had managed to snuggle up under his chin. “What in the world would make you think I didn’t like you?”

“I dumped you in the fountain, for starters,” she said with a sniff.

“Oh piffle. I deserved it. Plus it probably was an appropriate reaction to my smell. Oof! Watch the hooves, please.”

“I like the way you smell,” she mumbled with a twist of her head and a deep appreciative sniff. “Eau de Goldfish.”

“Well, what other possible reason could I have for disliking you? Certainly not your reaction to that disfigured book? Miss Pince-nez would have judged it somewhat inadequate punishment for one of her books treated in that fashion.”

Twilight giggled, and relaxed just a bit against his neck. “She would have wanted your cutie mark intact to nail up against the Canterlot Library bulletin board, with a warning note.”

“Yeah, something like ‘He defaced a library book and got off lightly.’ What else?”

“I hit you in the head with that letter.”

“Pshaw! A mere love-tap at that range.” Green Grass carefully tucked a corner of the comforter around an exposed bit of purple coat. “Besides, it contained a key to the cell door of my dungeon prison. Had you delivered it in classic format, it would have been inside a cake.”

“What?”

“Sorry. It was a letter from the Earl of Pine Valley, informing me that his daughter is to be wed to some other poor schlub. I plan on having it gilded and placed in a frame where I can gaze upon it every night in blessed remembrance of my escape from durance vile. What else?”

“When I broke in on you during the evaluation, and commented about your horn?”

“I have a horn? Since when?” He made a show of groping about his forehead while Twilight giggled. “Or were you talking about my other— sorry.” The sudden tension that coursed through her body was painfully slow to recede. “Uncomfortable subject?”

“Yes. Extremely.” The faint trembling eventually passed, even though she still felt tense against his neck.

“Fear not, young mare. For although I am a stallion of little willpower, I hereby swear I shall never lay a hoof upon you without securing both your full consent, and the prior written permission of either your parents, or your… um… teacher.” A faint feeling of suppressed giggling and relaxation against his side indicated a successful strike. “I don’t suppose there is a governmental form for that, do you think?”

The giggling became audible. “I hope not. Now, back to our subject that you seem to be avoiding. When I ruined your thesis, you were angry at me.”

“Oh, yes. Extremely angry.”

“That made you dislike me, didn’t it?”

“Hm… Yes. Briefly. There were extenuating circumstances, though. You tried so hard to fix it, and you eventually did. Even if you hadn’t, I would have eventually gotten it back together. I would have grumbled a lot, but I wasn’t really angry at you, I was just angry at the whole universe in general, and you were in the way. For that, M’Lady, I offer my most sincere apology and beg your pardon. Anything else?”

“Not that I can think of.” She squirmed delightfully for a bit to get more comfortable. “I’ll see if anything pops up in the morning. Oops. I mean if I think of anything. You’re rubbing off on me.”

“Just ink.” Green Grass sighed and looked out his window at the distant stars. “I thought we both agreed that sleeping together was a bad idea?”

“You made a Pinkie Promise to come back to bed.” Twilight’s eyes⁽³⁾ glittered in the darkness as she looked up at him.
(3) Purple, thankfully. For a moment, Green Grass feared they might be Princess Luna Turquoise in color.
—

“Yes, but that was your bed.”

“I hereby declare this to be my bed. Are you staying in here, or going to sleep in your bed in the library? Gotta warn you, it’s locked.” She grinned mischievously before nuzzling back into his warm neck.

That grin was contagious, and he could feel a matching copy spreading slowly across his own face. “Well, I did promise.”

Outside, a familiar voice far away called out across the town, “Forever! Now go to sleep!”

They both giggled, but after a while Green Grass could feel the tension began to return to Twilight, and a faint sniff reached his ears.

“What’s wrong?

“Why am I doing this?” asked Twilight quietly. “What if I’m really not ready for this? What if I goof it all up? What if I turn you into some sort of evil hate-filled stalker from the darkness beyond who preys on ponies in unceasing revenge for my horrible misdeed?”

He quickly kissed her on the nose. “Wouldn’t work. I don’t see in the dark very well, and I don’t have the academic qualifications for the Stalker position. Besides, can you see my fat flank chasing anypony in ‘unceasing revenge?’ Gasp! — Slow down! — Pant! — Wheeeezzeee! — Ow!” He rubbed his own nose. “Bad hoof! Not boop.”

“Be serious!” Glittering purple eyes looked up at him, only to drift up to his rumpled mane which must have been standing on end from the subdued snicker it earned.

“As you wish, M’Lady.” The look Twilight was giving him turned into a brief glare, but only briefly.

“Twilight Sparkle, I should be the one nervous about all this. I’m certainly not ready for… well, this I’m ready for, I suppose. But beyond this lies a world I’ve never seen before, let alone visited. Frightening thought indeed, M’Lady, for but a few weeks ago I knew quite well what my path was, and now it has changed beyond all resemblance. Who knows, perhaps next week it will change again as that handsome unicorn stallion of your dreams gallops up to your door and takes you away to his giant library. I would hurt inside, but I would be glad for you too, and I think…” Green Grass paused to blink several times and swallow what seemed to be a stone. “I think I care for you more than I care for myself. Whatever happens, I would be happy for you, if you were happy.” He paused, looking down into those violet eyes that seemed so deep he could drown in them. “Your turn.”

Twilight looked out his window at the moon which had just begun to shine down into their bedchamber. “On a fall night much like this one, I once asked Princess Celestia what it felt like to be immortal, how it felt for her to see pony after pony grow old and die while she herself never changed. She didn’t answer me at first. We were out stargazing, and I remember her looking up into the sky while she talked. At the time, I thought she seemed to have an audience larger than just myself in mind, but I never really realized who else she was talking to until we saved Princess Luna from Nightmare Moon.

“She told me that she did change, every day on the inside with everypony she met. When somepony dies or goes away for a long while, it is important to cherish their time spent here more than you grieve their departure, and critical that you live in the now instead of obsessing about the future or agonizing over past events. The absolute most important thing of all is to treasure the moment, for it will never come around again.”

She settled her head back down in the hollow of his neck and finally relaxed. “I don’t know if this moment will last a moment, or a lifetime, but I intend on treasuring it to its full extent.”

Green Grass remained lying there as Twilight’s breathing became regular, and all the tension he could feel in her body slowly drained away. The moonlight that illuminated their bed made it seem as if the whole world were made of silver, but the feeling of her breathing on his chest was a moment he was treasuring far more than a mountain of bits.

Ch. 26 - Moments turn into Weeks

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Moments turn into Weeks

A faint noise of paper rustled through the interior of the wagon, a repetitive pattern that slowly worked its way through Green Grass’ mental morning fog. There was a rustle. Then a pause, as if somepony were reading what had been revealed when a page flipped over. Then another rustle, and the pattern repeated.

Green Grass managed to open one eye, taking in the angle of the bright sunshine coming through his window, the light noise of pages being flipped and the warm body draped along his back before coming to the conclusion that Twilight had not returned to her library over the night. To be honest, early morning was not where Green Grass shone intellectually, as his college⁽*⁾ records would testify.
(*) And a four page statistical summary by Twilight Velvet presently sitting inside the Ponyville Library.
—

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Twilight’s soft voice raised the mane on the back of his neck, most probably because she leaned down to nuzzle him right behind the ears before she spoke. A series of goosepimples traveled down his spine, along with an uncontrolled twitch or two that made her giggle. “Did you have anything scheduled this morning?”

“No,” he managed to say during a yawn. “Although I had some ideas.”

She flipped another page. “Anything that would not involve writing to Princess Celestia for permission?”

“Oh, heavens. I promised that, didn’t I? No, I think my schedule is clear, M’Lady.” Her book was gently bopped against the back of his head before being snapped closed and levitated over to its reshelving spot. “Griffons, from Molting to Mating,” he read with another yawn. “Not content with luring a poor innocent tutor from Canterlot into your clutches, my devious librarian lover also has intentions to entrance some poor Griffon Tiercel into her bed. I hope he’s warm to cuddle. It’s chilly with only two under this blanket.”

“Behave, or I’ll drag that book back and give you such a whack.” She snuggled down under the blanket some more and curled up against his back with a firm grip around his chest. “Promise me you won’t do anything like last night ever again?”

“What, leave my door unlocked so strange mares— Ouch! You mean take you out on a date to a place with such low prices— Ow! You mean tell all your friends something before I tell— Owwww!”

“Getting closer,” she purred, with another bite to his ear. “Keep guessing.”

“You mean deciding to give you up in order not to hurt you, without asking you about it at all. Right?”

“Really close.” She bit down on his ear again and held on tight as he writhed to escape, although he struggled in a somewhat subdued manner as if he were afraid of actually escaping.

“Without the dependent clause?” he hazarded once the convulsions were over.

“Close enough. You deserve a reward.” The kiss she bestowed on the nibbled ear seemed to travel down his spine and lodge into one rear hoof, which continued itching and twitching long after the kiss had quit.

“I’m starting to think it was more me running away in fear of the unknown than anything,” he said with a relieved sigh as Twilight lay her head down on his shoulder moistly, leaving a cold ear. “I mean I’ve been in like before, but this is the first time I’ve ever been in lo—” His mouth stopped moving even as the words piled up behind it.

“Shush,” said Twilight quietly. “I know what you mean, but I’m afraid if I say it out loud, it will just vanish like a dream.”

“I know,” sighed Green Grass, mentally making a resolution to never tell Twilight all the details about his dream with Luna and her bedroom. “I’ve met Princess Luna briefly in a dream, I think, and any moment I expect her to come popping through our door with—”

The wagon rocked to a staggering impact that made it bounce on its springs, followed by the sound of something limply hitting the ground outside.

“Luna!” exclaimed Green Grass in a momentary panic as the wagon rocked back and forth, the bookshelves fortunately remaining intact and preventing the books from falling as they were designed.

“I just don’t know what went wrong,” said a plaintive voice from outside.

“Good morning, Ditzy,” called Twilight with a chuckle. “Did you have a delivery for the library this morning?”

“Yes.” There was a brief pause as the experienced mother considered why Twilight’s voice was coming out of Green Grass’ wagon this early in the morning. “I can bring them back later if you two want.”

“Don’tyoudare!” snapped Twilight as she zipped out from under the blanket and out the door, to return in a few minutes with boxes trailing in her wake. “I just love opening up boxes,” she chortled as she plunked down in the middle of the floor. “It feels like Hearth’s Warming all over.”

Green Grass tore open a thick envelope and hummed happily as he flipped through the pages. “On the first day of Hearth’s Warming, my true love gave to me… a job. Schedules for the rest of the month for my students, even including Sun Glimmer. I wonder how Superintendent Masters managed that one⁽¹⁾. Still nothing for the next stop on my circuit, though. One day at a time, I guess. Oh, look. Your teacher has assigned you homework.”
(1) Bloodthirsty threats for the most part, along with a promise of Divine Retribution.
—

“Gimmie!” The note was snatched from his hooves and read with rapidly decreasing enthusiasm. “Cheerilee says I have to write an apology letter to Pokey, and a hundred lines of ‘I will not drop annoying twits into perfectly good fountain water.’ Joy.”

“Live the moment. Anything for me?”

“Yes, she says if I get a good grade on my letter and my lines, she’ll give you permission to let me read a chapter of Don Rocinante out of your book.”

He thought for a moment. “Only if you’re a good little unicorn, and promise not to drop me in the fountain any more unless I really need it.”

“I’m starting to think you need it now. Here you go, this one’s for you too.”

“Oh, look,” said Green Grass lacklusterly. “Mother sent you a subscription to Modern Bridle and Foals Weekly. How nice.”

“Well, my mother sent something a lot more useful for you. Physics Today⁽²⁾ and the complete collection of Whinny Shortz Presents. We’ve got his ‘Puzzlemasters’ series, and some of the Sudoku books. Oh, and dad sent a subscription to Equestrian Trotter, as well as a stopwatch and an exercise scheduler.”
(2) Hope springs eternal in the heart of a Physics instructor with a failing student for a prospective in-law.
—

Green Grass peeked over at the rapidly growing pile of paper. “I see the schedule is already filled out for both of us.”

“That’s mom, she can’t stand to see an empty checklist. She included a diet guide and Sixty Days to a Slimmer Stallion as well as Iron Stallion Weightlifting and Iron Will’s Iron Abs too, how thoughtful.”

“Are you sure that’s from your mother? It was in this box over here.” He flipped the box over to look at the address and turned pale, before pawing through the packing material on a precautionary basis.

“The books are from Princess Luna. If there’s a permission slip in here, I’m checking my wagon for listening devices⁽³⁾.”
(3) No need. She does just fine with moonbeams.
—

* * *

“Okay, class. Remember what I said. Everypony listen to Lyra, and we’ll see how this goes.” Green Grass passed what little control of his class he had to the mint-green unicorn who smiled uncertainly at the front of the music room. Between them were all of Green Grass’ students, each one holding their musical instrument with differing levels of joy and magical ability. It had been difficult to get all of them in the same place at once with instruments, but as a class, they were starting to show quite a bit of cooperation. And this should be just the way to get them all engaged at once.

“If everypony is ready, let’s start. A one, and a two…”

An excruciating hour later, Green Grass surreptitiously slipped the earplugs out of his ears and trotted to the front of the room to ‘tag’ the exhausted music teacher. “Why don’t you take a break and I’ll see if I can get them focused on some of the classics. I brought a few records to help calm the class down.” He waited while Lyra tottered out of the room and closed the door, before going over to the record player and putting down a stack of vinyl.

Sun Glimmer, as expected, was the first one to complain. “Why do we have to listen to old dead ponies play music that went out of style before we all were even born?”

“They’re not all dead,” said Green Grass with an exaggerated wave. “I’ll have you know Elvis Przewalski lives forever in his music. As does Eddie van Hooven, and Stevie Neigh Vaughan. Now which one do we want to start up first for our All-Equestrian Air Guitar Championship?”

* * *

“Help! Save me!” The panting gasps of a certain green stallion along the road drew Applejack’s attention as she pulled her applecart in the pre-dawn gloom towards the Ponyville market. The slow, erratic hoofsteps of Green Grass eventually heralded the arrival of the slow-moving stallion himself, closely followed by a familiar unicorn with a stopwatch.

“Applejack… You gotta… Save me… She’s gonna kill… Me!” With one final wheeze, the stallion collapsed in the road in front of the farmer’s cart, one hoof flung out dramatically for succor.

“Fritter,” he gasped, before rolling on his back and holding all four legs up in the air.

“Consarn it, Twi. This is embarrassing.” Applejack looked at Twilight sternly, although a perceptive observer might have noticed a certain upward tremble in the corner of her lips. “You’ve gone and starved this poor critter nigh unto death. Now what’s the Princess gonna say if he just up and expires on ya?”

Twilight shrugged. “He’s got an older brother.”

“Engaged,” gasped Green Grass, showing remarkable mobility for one so close to death.

“Well I ain’t going to just stand here and watch you starve this poor stallion, not when I’ve got this whole cart full of food.”

“Bless you, kind mare,” gasped the green stallion, his tongue hanging out to one side of his mouth while making a gagging noise that was probably supposed to be a death rattle.

“I suppose,” started Twilight thoughtfully, “you could help me strap him to the harness, and we could both watch him pull the cart into town.”

“Hey!” One blue eye opened to watch the two treacherous mares while Green Grass remained laying upside-down in the road. “Starving stallion here. Hello?”

Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes and dug out some bits. “Two fritters, please. One for me, and one for Tubby over there.”

“Hey, this is marbling, I’ll have you know. Insulation even. That wagon gets cold!”

“Thank ye kindly ma’am. Now if’n you can move Tubby out of the road afore I run him over and you can call him Stretch.”

“Or Pancake. I could even go for Waffle.” Green Grass opened his mouth and waved his legs around in the crisp air. “Feeeed me.”

“Mmmm. Delicious as always, Applejack.” Twilight smacked her lips as she finished her breakfast snack and waved the second fritter over Green Grass’ head. “You want?”

“Yeah!”

“Then you have to catch me!” With a giggle, Twilight trotted down the road, holding the second apple fritter over her head and waving it. Green Grass scrambled to his hooves, and took a deep breath, only to have Applejack stick an apple in his mouth and swat him on the rump.

“That oughta give you enough energy to catch her. Get on up there! Ya!”

As the green stallion trotted on down the road, Applejack returned to her morning task with a chuckle. “Ah swear them two. Every day it’s somethin’ different.”

* * *

“Hello, Rarity. Thank you for inviting me out to lunch again.” Twilight Sparkle scooted her own chair out and perused the restaurant menu as if she had not seen it dozens of times already.

“Darling, I do so love our little chats. I insist on picking up the bill again, so don’t you even think about arguing.” Rarity held the menu canted just slightly to one side so she could get a better look at her friend’s face.

Twilight glanced over the top of her menu at Rarity’s smirk before giving a sigh. “All right, I’ll ask again. Are you going to return that overdue book?”

“Moi?” The fashionista tittered⁽⁴⁾ discreetly. “Are you going to tell me all about sleeping with your handsome coltfriend? Details, darling. All the little details.”
(4) Giggle of Girlish Glee Concealing a Secret.
—

“He’s not my coltfriend. We are just working on his thesis, that’s all.” Twilight gave a sigh of frustration and closed her menu with a snap. “And why won’t you let me pay for lunch?”

Rarity waved one hoof limply. “Darling, your nice coltfriend’s fiancée paid me enough for that rag I was throwing away to buy you lunch for simply weeks, so don’t worry about it. Now, about your sleeping with that nice young stallion.”

“What makes you think I’m sleeping with him?”

Rarity nearly exploded from pent-up laughter. “Because, darling. If you weren’t sleeping with him, you would have found my overdue library book by now. I stuck it under your pillow over a week ago.”

Ch. 27 - Weeks Turn Into Months

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Weeks Turn Into Months

“Good morning, Miss Doo,” called out Green Grass as he trotted through the early morning market, only slightly out of breath for a change. “Any news on the first snow schedule?”

The grey mailmare landed with a backwards flap and started rooting around in her saddlebag. “I think the weather team is planning a surprise, but they’re building up quite an inventory. Got an official looking letter for you this morning.”

“Thank you kindly. Oooo, a form letter from the Princess.”

“You’ve sure been sending and receiving a lot of mail from Canterlot, Mr. Green Grass.”

“Yes, I certainly have.” He ripped open the letter and pulled it out. “I’ve got a couple old school buddies searching for tickets to this month’s premiere event in Canterlot. It’s sold out, so I’m pulling some strings, cashing in some blackmail photos, things like that.”

Unfolding the letter, he started reading with Ditzy right behind him, looking over a shoulder. “Princess’ Council on Physical Fitness⁽*⁾… randomly selected from a number of educational professionals, ha! Scheduled physical examination… Pre-paid, at least there’s that… Ten pounds! Miss Doo, do I look ten pounds overweight?”
(*) Another aftershock from what has been known as “The Cake Fiasco” in 1304 A.D. (After diet)
—

Ditzy’s blonde mane fluttered while she shook her head. “Oh, no. Probably closer to fifteen.”

* * *

“Breathe in. Now out. Now back in. Okay, you can relax.”

“Easy for you to say,” grumbled Green Grass as he shifted uncomfortably on the cold bench of the doctor’s office. “Say Doc, would you say I’m ten pounds overweight?”

“Well, that can be difficult to say,” said Dr. Stable, flipping a page over on his clipboard. “By the way, little Tootsie pruned up our evergreen bushes outside the house yesterday. They look quite nice. You can even tell they’re supposed to look like you and Miss Twilight.”

“Oops. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be sorry. You should hear the things I got in trouble for at that age when I was looking for my cutie mark. I sent her and Glimmer off with some pruning shears. Think they may have gone over to her father’s house. He has a nice set of bushes that were looking a little ragged.”

“Very nice, doctor. But I was asking about my weight?”

“I see you’ve started an exercise program recently, that should help. Really, it’s probably a little early to be judging your results.”

“My weight?”

“As you know, earth ponies are generally a little more stocky than pegasi or even unicorns. For somepony with a sedentary lifestyle, you’re actually not that bad. Unfortunately, your family medical history⁽¹⁾ shows a tendency to the overweight side of unicorn physiology, and some minor heart disease risks which an exercise program should alleviate.”
(1) Transferred to Ponyville General by Royal Courier, for some reason.
—

“My weight?”

Doctor Stable sighed. “About ten pounds overweight, give or take. You were probably closer to fifteen. Be thankful you’re not dating Pinkie Pie, or you’d be too fat to walk by now.”

* * *

The weekly meeting of the What’s Twilight Up To Now Club⁽²⁾ had officially started when Rainbow Dash finally dropped into her chair and began gobbling up her order of Pasta Fagioli before it could cool any more. “Sorry I’m late,” she gasped between bites. “Tonight’s surprise storm is taking a lot more to organize than I thought.”
(2) It was just a weekly meeting of good friends, but Twilight had been late arriving so many times over the last month.
—

“Awwww!” cried Pinkie Pie. “You ruined the surprise! I’ve been stocking all up on hot chocolate and organic marshmallows for days! I wanted us all to get snowed in at Sugarcube Corner for a whole week so we could have nothing to do but play games and have fun!”

“Shucks, Pinkie. Don’t be sore. RD’s just tellin’ us what we all knew anyway. The whole town’s been looking forward to it. Big Mac’s got the sled out and sanded, and Apple Bloom’s little friends are talking about how fast Scootaloo is going to be able to make it go.”

“All of my little hibernating friends are snuggled away in their dens, and we’ve got a lot of nuts and seeds stockpiled,” said Fluttershy sweetly. “The rest of us plan on curling up with a nice hot cup of tea and just waiting out the storm.”

“I think our two little lovebirds are planning something along that line,” whispered Rarity, pointing at Twilight Sparkle and Green Grass walking in their direction, leaning into each other as they talked.

“…so nervous about it. Can’t I just use a script or something? It’s my first time and I want it to be perfect, but I know I’m not good enough to—”

Twilight cut Green Grass off sharply. “Stop that right now. We’ve been over it again and again, and you’ve been a very diligent student. I think you’re ready to take this important step, and if you would just admit it to yourself, you would realize it too. We can practice all you want, but eventually you have to do it for real. Oh! Hi girls! Greenie, would you care to sit in with us?”

“No, thank you. I really don’t have an appetite. If you will excuse me, ladies.” Six pairs of eyes watched the green stallion plod down the path on the way back to his wagon. Five pairs then turned to watch Twilight, who looked pained at her coltfriend’s slow pace. As in any uncomfortable pause in a conversation, the least patient member of the group was the first to break the silence.

“Greenie doesn’t look too good,” said Rainbow Dash, chasing the last noodle around in the bottom of her bowl while considering if Rarity would protest too loudly if she were just to lick it clean. “Have you two been practicing…” She trailed off, trying to think of how to translate the idea into Lingua Sparkle when Twilight perked up.

“Yes, every night! Twice some nights. It’s going to be his first time, and we want it to be perfect.”

At a loss for words, Rainbow sharply elbowed Applejack, who attempted her turn to fill in the conversational hole. “It sounds really important to the both of you, Twi. Are you sure he’s ready?”

“Ready? Of course he’s ready.” Twilight blew a breath upwards to lift a thread of unkempt mane which was trying to block her vision of the departing stallion. “We’ve studied the topic almost to death! We’ve made study guides, and detailed chronological listings of every step in the process. His performance is just about perfect.”

Having lost her conversational ability, Applejack franticly passed the bit to Rarity with a poke of the hoof. The fashionista rose to the occasion gracefully and attempted to wade into the discussion with style. “Have you considered that the dear thing may actually be not worried about himself, Twilight? After all, this may be his first time, but what about you?”

Twilight scoffed and waved a hoof in dismissal, still looking at the departing stallion. “Oh, please. I’ve been through this six times already. It just gets easier and more fun. Princess Celestia could never be there, but she was always glad to hear about it afterwards. I wonder if he would want to talk with her… no, he’s nervous enough already. I wish there were something else I could do to calm him down.”

Rarity wordlessly reached out a hoof to poke Fluttershy, who “Eep’d” almost silently and quickly poked Pinkie Pie in turn.

“I know, Twilight! We could have a part— *mumph* *mum* *mumgpht*” The remainder of Pinkie’s exuberant outburst was muffled thoroughly by four different hooves over her mouth and a group tackle.

“You’re right, Pinkie! Why are you all sitting on Pinkie Pie?” asked Twilight as she turned back to her friends. “Anyway, why don’t all of you come along, sit in the audience, and we could have a party afterwards? I’m sure he would appreciate the moral support.”

There was a faint gasp from Fluttershy as she pitched over backwards, with only the tips of four yellow hooves visible over the table. Rainbow Dash was slightly less reserved.

“Audience? You mean, like watching?”

“Why certainly. Normally a thesis is defended in front of a committee in some boring meeting room, but they always permit an audience if they’re quiet and don’t interrupt. Why when I gave my defense over the role of Sub-Etheric Feedback in Magical Decay Phenomena Relating to Quantum Age Determination⁽³⁾, there were over thirty graduate students and faculty in the audience. I had to answer questions all afternoon. It was fantastic! Certainly the History Department will not have an issue over a half-dozen or so of his good friends sitting in during his thesis defense. I’m going to go tell him, right now! He’ll be so excited!”
(3) Building mostly on Starswirl the Bearded’s work with Thaumaturgic Decay Particles.
—

Twilight happily bounded away from the table, her tail swishing from side to side and with more than a little skipping to her gait. As the rest of her friends revived Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs.

“I think that deserves a little something special from our weather team tonight, don’t you agree?”

* * *

One last flake of snow descended out of the morning sky, backlit by a magnificent sunrise that seemed to light the entire Ponyville valley into a glittering wonderland of crystalline beauty. Snow draped across each building in town in a thick⁽⁴⁾ coat that covered eves, blanketed porches, gently topped lampposts, and of course, cancelled school.
(4) Carefully within Weather Regulation 104.7b - Maximum Depth of Snowfall in Rural Areas, with one minor exception.
—

The morning light shone brightly through the wagon window, reflected by the heavy snow and amplified into a sleep-destroying, coruscating brilliance that made Green Grass pull his blanket over his head and try to get back to sleep, much to the disapproval of the blanket.

“Come on, sleepyhead. Time to get up and go out on our morning jog.”

“Don’ wana go to school. It snowed.” Green Grass tried to tunnel back under his blankets, only to have them hop up and head for the door leading out into the frostbitten wilderness. He settled for the comforter, vanishing inside with only his tail sticking out.

“Oh, come on! It’s just a little snow.” Twilight gave the door a push. Then a harder push. Finally, with a magically forced shove, she managed to get it open about an inch, only to let it close again as the snow began to filter in from the top of the door.

“Oh, Greenie,” she caroled cheerfully in a sing-song voice. “Would you peek out from under your covers and tell me how much snow is outside?”

A green nose poked out from the comforter as he peered out the window. “It’s right up to the top of my wagon, but the rest of the town looks about knee to ankle deep. Hey, how did I get up here to the windo—”

Gravity again reasserted its hold on the stallion as Twilight released her spell, wincing only slightly as he landed with a wagon-shaking ‘whump’ on the lumpy mattress.

“Thank you, dear,” said Twilight, focusing her magic again while Green Grass picked himself up from the floor. “I’ll be right back.” Magic swirled, and the wagon suddenly became much emptier with a familiar ‘pop.’

“Well, don’t forget me,” he grumbled, wrapping himself back up in the comforter and getting comfortable on the mattress. “I suppose I could find something to do.”

A few minutes later, Twilight reappeared, holding two large insulated drink containers and wearing a huge smile.

“Spike says hi. Now come on and get up. You’ve got a thesis defense to work on.”

Green Grass pulled his tail under the blanket. “Name one good reason.”

“Your house doesn’t have a bathroom.”

A green nose poked out from under the blanket. “You have my attention.”

“I’ll be more than happy to teleport us into the library.”

“Oh, that’s a relief.”

“Just as soon as you get your thesis defense up to my standards.”

A faint whimper escaped from under the blanket, and Green Grass peeked out pitifully. “Sadist.”

“And Spike sent you a nice, hot, frothy mug of low-fat cocoa to help you work.”

He considered the offer. “Marshmallows?”

“Three⁽⁵⁾. And no, he said to tell you the rejection of your hoof in marriage still stands.”
(5) Spike actually put in five. Guys have to stick together.
—

“I shall accede to your offer, M’Lady, but only for the fact that your immediate presence encourages your draconic friend to such feats of gastronomic excess.”

“Good!” Twilight promptly curled up around Green Grass’ back and began to arrange papers. “We have a lot to do yet this morning, but I believe you’re up to it.”

Green Grass considered his position, and wisely decided to remain silent.

Ch. 28 - Hie Thee Away to Canterlot

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Hie Thee Away to Canterlot

Green Grass bounded into the library, shedding his snow covered cloak with a happy shout and bouncing twice around the lobby statue before he could calm down enough to speak. Twilight simply watched the happily hopping stallion with a cryptic smile, having received a somewhat vague letter earlier that morning which was the most likely reason for his ebullient outburst. Finally, he completed his dance of joy and skidded to a stop at her hooves with an envelope clutched firmly in his teeth.

“Here you go, Twilight. Two box seats to this month’s opening performance of Don Rocinante by the Canterlot Royal Theatre, along with the reception before the event. It’s a week before my thesis defense, and you deserve a reward for all the hard work you’ve put in to help me.

“I had to pull a lot of strings and even called in a favor from an old school fiend⁽*⁾. He said they’ve been sold out for weeks, but he got a lucky break and here they are! I’m just a little puzzled about where the seats are located inside the theatre. Box P, Seats 3 and 4. I’ve never heard of Box P. I hope it’s not near the bathrooms.”
(*) Not a typo. Some of Green Grass’ school companions were not nice ponies.
—

Twilight squealed in glee. “Oh, that’s the Princess Box. She just loves the theatre, never misses an opening show. Greenie?” A loud thump drew her attention to the unconscious tutor sprawled out on the floor, and she tisked a few times, shaking her head slowly.

He should have known better than to try to outthink Princess Celestia. Maybe I should bring a bucket of water for him on the night of the show, just in case.

The tutor fairly leapt off the floor with a piercing shriek, darting out of the library lobby for the bathroom where the screaming was soon replaced by the sound of running water. A few minutes later, the dripping stallion returned, sitting down with a squishy thud next to Twilight.

“Princess Luna says hi. She’s looking forward to meeting us at the reception before the performance.”

A happy excited squeal outside the library heralded the rapid arrival of a second happy pony. Rarity bounced into the library almost as excited as Green Grass, only without the laps around the statue.

“I have the most wonderful news! Green Grass, you’re here too! What a pleasure to catch you two lovebirds together. Remember when you said⁽¹⁾ you were trying to get tickets to that event this month in Canterlot? Well, I just happen to know the performer, and she not only sent me tickets for you two, but an entire row! All of us can go with you, won’t that be exciting! You do know you’re all wet, darling?”
(1) Well, not actually to Rarity. From Ditzy to Dinky to Sweetie Belle, to Rarity actually, but it’s almost as if he mentioned it right in front of her and asked for assistance.
—

“Rarity, that’s fantastic! I didn’t know you had that kind of political pull with the Canterlot Theatre.”

“Theatre, Twilight?” Rarity blinked in confusion. “Sapphire Shores is playing at the Coliseum. See?” The produced tickets were promptly compared and to the fashionista’s chagrin, only the dates of the performance matched.

“The Princess Box!” she gushed, giving Twilight a hug. “You both simply must attend! You must! I shall make you both outfits suitable for the occasion, and the two of you will simply overwhelm the entire local scene with fashion. But what shall I do with the extra tickets for Sapphire Shore’s concert?”

“I have an idea about that,” said Green Grass.

* * *

“BEST BIG SISTER EVER!!” Sweetie Belle leapt up and down in her seat even more energetically than the rest of her unicorn magic class and their friends, spread out across the front row of the concert and almost close enough to Sapphire Shores to touch. Rarity had been assigned the ‘goalie’ position at the end of the row, in parallel with Cheerilee at the other end and a few other ‘responsible adults’ scattered among them with the forlorn hope of keeping the class reasonably contained, or at least to protect the concert from the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

“What?” shouted Rarity back. She was almost deaf from the speakers⁽²⁾, blind from the spotlights⁽³⁾, and befuddled by the music⁽⁴⁾, but contrary to her expectations, it actually was quite enjoyable. Still, she wished that somehow she were able to be at the theatre with Twilight and her coltfriend. If nothing else, for moral support when he got up the nerve to confess to their little scheme.
(2) Earplugs just so do not go with this outfit.
(3) What? Sunglasses at a night concert? Whatever for?
(4) Really, darling. Just because I design for her, does not mean I listen to her music. Very often.
—

* * *

The reception hall next to the Canterlot Royal Theatre was quite neatly packed with a full list of who was currently who, and associated with whom, all of which were carefully grouped with excruciating detail according to social scale and current plots or schemes within the court. Or at least by their preference for hors d'oeuvres.

The Earl of Pine Valley had just finished verbally dispatching a social inferior when he spotted one of his most recent foils milling about among the rest of the lower strata of the upper crust. Flashing a signal at the poor wretch, he shrugged off two other potential conversational targets and adjusted his ever-present monocle before trundling ominously up to Baron Chrysanthemum with a dignified smile suitable for addressing a peer of a somewhat lower station in life.

“I say, Beany old chap. Terrible stroke of luck there with your youngest colt. My little Bee is going to make a fine bride. I’ll make sure you get an invitation.”

“Thank you, M’lord. The wife and I are looking forward to the occasion. I believe more than one of my children may be taking notes, as to properly deplete my inheritance on their own weddings.”

“Oh, you’re welcome to jolly well try, old chap. Because this is going to be the social event of the decade, I’m providing my little Bee only the best of everything. We’d rent out the Grand Ballroom at the castle if it were available, but I’m afraid we’re going to have to settle for an outdoor location, probably the Coliseum. Only way to hold the invitees and the orchestra, I’m afraid.”

Baron Chrysanthemum looked a bit put off at the comment. It might have been possible for him to rent the Coliseum and a full orchestra one time, but any more than that and there would be a lot of bean soup for lunch and dinner. “Oh yes, ha, ha.”

“Been meaning to ask you about something here, Beany.” The Earl leaned a little closer, his monocle glinting in the lights. “What’s this I hear about your youngest colt, now? First the rumor mill says he’s all gone for the youngest out of the Twinkle house, then nothing. What news do you have?”

The Baron shrugged with a vague look of distant crogglement normally associated with nobility who had attempted to ‘cross horns’ with the Princess. “In the end, not much more than you, I’m afraid. We visited the lad once, and he seemed to have her well under his control. Remarkable young mare, she is indeed. No wonder the Princess picked her as a student. Anyway, not a day after our visit, we get an invitation to take tea with the Princess⁽⁵⁾.”
(5) “Tea with the Princess” has slowly over centuries taken the place of public executions and floggings across Equestria. Many opponents of cruel and unusual punishment would prefer to reverse this process.
—

The Earl’s eyes went wide with faux surprise. “How terrible.”

“Shocked us to the core. When we arrived, the Twinkles were already there, and we had a pleasant conversation before tea.”

The Earl of Pine Valley minutely adjusted his monocle. “And then?”

“The Princess quite plainly and with little beating around the bush informed us that we were not to interfere in the romantic interests of either our son, or the young lady. No names were used, of course, and the conversation is to be held in strictest confidence⁽⁶⁾.”
(6) “Strictest confidence” is most often interpreted as “Do not flash this around, or you may receive an invitation to Tea with the Princess.”
—

“Of course,” murmured the Earl.

“I’m not quite certain what to make of it, except I’m quite certain she was deadly serious. Perhaps she has some diplomatic post or such planned for the lad. Only time will tell, I fear.”

* * *

“You are going to look simply marvelous next to the Princess this evening,” whispered Green Grass for the seventeenth time to a nervous Twilight Sparkle, standing next to him in an iridescent plum-colored gown that flowed off the shoulder with threads of silvery light woven through her elaborate manestyle and two small deep-blue earrings providing counterpoint. High-shinned shoes that looked more royal than common in the deepest shade of purple finished the outfit, along with a matching deep purple shoulder bag fitted with a silver clasp. She made quite a striking contrast to Green Grass, who was positively resplendent in a cream-colored tuxedo with a pastel tie and golden shoes, his dusky mane and tail tied back in a fashionable golden weave and ponytail.

“I feel like one of Rarity’s dressmaking dummies,” she hissed back. “At least it’s comfortable. She left it adjustable enough around the waist⁽⁷⁾ that it would fit even if I were preg—” Twilight stopped and glowered. “I’m going to kill her.”
(7) It also had hemmed lines for wingslits, thus proving Rarity’s instincts for planning ahead.
—

“No, you’re not. You’re going to kiss her hooves in gratitude because otherwise you would have to live through being strapped into one of those monstrosities.” He tilted his head microscopically at a baron’s wife who trundled past, with her corset obviously under enough tension that the Royal Guards providing security should have dragged her away before the inevitable explosion of overstressed fabric and cellulite.

“This is why I always hated going to these things when Princess Celestia made me attend,” she groused, tugging gently at her neck piece. “Being at the Princess’ side during the whole evening is the only thing that makes them tolerable. I mean, I wish I could stay with you during the reception, but protocol states the Princess must be escorted to social events.”

“I’m certain the Princess will be delighted to have you at her side this evening, Twilight. You two will have much to talk about.” Green Grass forced a smile while sparing a nervous glance at the entrance where Celestia and Luna were due to arrive at any minute.

Twilight Sparkle paused in her adjustment of the pinching neck piece to gently run a hoof across her ears and flicker a faint smile.

“Thank you for the earrings, by the way. They’re authentic moonstones, aren’t they?”

“You’re welcome, and yes. I thought you deserved something special for the occasion. I’ve been dragged to as many of these events as you, only more as spouse shopping trips than entertainment, and I know how bad they can get.”

“Did your parents ever consider an auction?” Twilight Sparkle’s eyes glittered with laughter as Green Grass suddenly began to examine his cream-colored tuxedo with exaggerated motions.

“Rarity didn’t stick any price tags on me, did she? Whew.” The stallion swallowed and grinned back warmly. “How about this? We both stay with our escort, smile, nod, and count facelifts. First one to a hundred wins.”

“Very funny. Better make it two hundred.”

“As you wish, M’Lady.” Green Grass bent down into a dramatic bow, straightening up with a calm face. “It has been a great help for my nerves to consider this as a theatre within a theatre. Your role in tonight’s performance is that of the Beautiful Student, mine is of the Handsome Young Lord. You taught me how to perform at my best, and I shall not embarrass you in front of so many of the court.”

“But what are they going to think? I mean, I’ve never been to a social event with a stallion before. They’re going to see us, and talk, and make up things about us.”

Green Grass took her hoof in his and stared into her beautiful (if slightly wide and frightened) eyes. “Twilight, I could not care less what any of those overstuffed poltroons think. You shall be the most beautiful mare at the reception, with the exception of our escorts, the Royal Princesses, of course.”

She blushed and fanned herself lightly in the way that Rarity had instructed her. “Oh, you flatter me.”

“I’m afraid I’ve also deceived you, but only with the best of intentions. You see, I had an insightful discussion with your friend, the designer, about Princess Luna.”

Both of Twilight’s eyebrows lowered ominously, and only an experienced unicorn teacher would have been able to detect the faint prickle of magic being drawn upon for imminent violence.

“I’ve been so tied in knots about actually meeting Princess Luna in the flesh, as it were,” he continued hastily, “that when I told Rarity about it, she suggested—”

The blare of trumpets and the rattling of armored hooves outside the door announced the arrival of both Princesses, and the conversation abruptly terminated, although from Twilight’s glare it was going to be more of a long pause then a stop. The Princesses of Equestria proceeded regally into the pre-reception area, where Twilight Sparkle and Green Grass bowed to meet them. It took the hyperventilating tutor a bit longer to get to his hooves afterwards, but he managed to stagger forward without tripping and get through the lines he had rehearsed all day. “Good evening, Your Highnesses. My name is Green Grass, and I am pleased to present my partner for the evening, Twilight Sparkle. May we have the honor of escorting you to the event?”

“How wonderful to meet you at last, kind sir.” Princess Luna stepped forward. “Will you be my escort for the evening’s entertainment, Lord Green Grass?”

“Ah, if only I could, My Princess,” he said, flinging caution to the wind and departing from the script Twilight had so studiously written. “I’m afraid I’ve already been spoken for this fine evening by a most delightful young mare of your acquaintance. If we could please move along, I think your Herald⁽⁸⁾ is about ready to introduce us to the reception.”
(8) By fortuitous coincidence, the elderly Royal Guard who served as Princess Celestia’s Herald was also named Herald. Naming traditions among ponies in the Royal Guard have yielded other confusing gems such as General Specific, Private Captain, and Flight-Leader Falling to name a few. Then there was their baseball team...
—

* * *

The Royal Herald stepped out from the entranceway and struck the heel of the Spear of State on the floor three times. All discussion inside the reception stopped, although there was still an undercurrent of quiet whispers. There had been a great deal of secrecy about tonight’s guests, and the rumor mill had been working overtime. Finally, the elderly pony called out the introduction.

“Announcing Her Highness, Princess Celestia and her consort, Lord Green Grass.”

In the shocked silence that followed, the only thing that could be heard was the sound of a monocle rolling across the floor.

Ch. 29 - The Reluctant Prince

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
The Reluctant Prince

To an untrained observer, Princess Celestia and Green Grass were simply standing in the middle of the reception hall, being attended by a waiter⁽*⁾ with a platter of hors d'oeuvres and drinks. It might seem strange to the observer that the remaining ponies in the reception were clustered in small whispering groups at least a royal wingspan away from the Princess, but then again royalty do all kinds of strange things dressed in strange clothes at strange hours, quite unlike the common folk.
(*) The Office of Diplomatic Support Services also provides servants with selective hearing loss for certain occasions.
—

To anypony experienced in Canterlot culture, the Princess and her… escort were simply standing in the traditional ‘Princess Spot,’ only slightly modified from the days before the return of Princess Luna. Their location, as well as the location of each court member at the reception, should have been as predictable as the ripples spread from the impact zone of a pebble in a still pond. There was just one tiny detail that was different tonight. A single word.

Consort.

The concept of a royal consort was understandable in the abstract, and even more than a few of the royal houses had a spouse or prospective spouse with that particular title, but when the word was placed against Princess Celestia’s earth pony companion, the abstract thought quickly turned to concrete. This was something far stranger than strange, because there had not been a ‘consort’ for Princess Celestia in mortal memory, and nopony had the nerve to actually ask the Princess if there had been a slip of the tongue with her Herald, a spot of insanity, or perhaps it was one of the epic practical jokes she had begun to play since her sister’s return from ‘exile⁽¹⁾.’
(1) Exile being a more tolerable word for the social elite than the far cruder ‘Taken over by evil and imprisoned in the moon for a millennium to prevent the destruction of every living thing on the planet.’ If not rather strenuously reminded of it by both Princesses, the high society crowd would have much rather considered Luna ‘out of the country for a few years.’
—

To an extremely astute trained observer fluent in the language of court politics and the behavior of vulgaris politicus, or the Common Yellow-Striped Politician, it was as if a giant metaphorical boulder had been dropped in the metaphorical pond and exploded in flames. An extraordinary observer of politics might carefully chart the erratic movements of the ponies present to gain a deeper understanding of the rocks and shoals of ongoing schemes and plots by using this event to learn the true loyalties of the court.

The Princess simply seemed to enjoy the quiet of not being pestered by court politics for a few minutes as she stood next to Green Grass and smiled, lifting her glass to gently clink against the edge of the glass her ‘consort’ held loosely in one hoof. “I must say, Lord Green Grass, I have not been called a ‘delightful young mare’ in centuries. It surprised me almost as much as my Herald announcing your proposal to me on the steps.”

“It came as quite a surprise to myself also, Your Highness.” He took a microscopic sip out of his glass, managing to remove only slightly more alcohol than regular evaporation could explain. “I presume the guard you spoke with will ensure the mistaken announcement of your Herald⁽²⁾ and the subsequent photo of us taken by that rather excited Canterlot Times photographer will not result in a misleading headline tomorrow? I believe ‘Princess Celestia to wed Prince-Consort Green Grass’ was the phrase that flashed through my mind rather vividly.”
(2) Herald’s special talent was the loud and distinct projection of his voice. Unfortunately, that talent did not extend to making his voice pleasant.
—

The Princess tittered⁽³⁾ delicately into one gold-clad hoof. “I simply must apologize again. Herald has been losing his hearing for many years now, and has made several regrettable errors in announcements lately. Perhaps it may be time for him to finally be put out to pasture.”
(3) Definition: Ladylike laughter encouraging the opposite member of a conversation to continue digging their hole.
—

Prince Consort Green Grass took the news with a stiff nod, and an additional sip from his drink. It had not escaped his notice that the Princess had spoken with the guard before the ‘accidental’ announcement of his mythical upcoming royal marital status, but at this point his internal ‘Panic Mode’ had gotten so overloaded that an entire battalion of Neighponese Ninjas dropping from the rafters would not have fazed him. In fact, it would have been a welcome distraction, and he might have cheered.

The sharp sound of the iron-hafted Spear of State being struck against the stone floor of the entranceway cut off the buzz of frantic conversation in the reception area as every pony suddenly remembered there was a second Royal Princess of Equestria, and if Celestia had this kind of surprise for them, there was no telling what kind of doozy her sister had in mind for her introduction. The brisk tap echoed once, twice, then a third time before Herald cleared his throat and spoke.

“Announcing Her Highness, Princess Luna, and her escort, Lady Twilight Sparkle.”

Green Grass and the Princess had gotten far enough into the reception area that he felt safe to take a quick glance backwards, if nothing else to make sure he was not being targeted by one or both of the new arrivals. The stately procession of Princess Luna and Twilight Sparkle down the entry stairs was taken much more positively by the attendees than the shocked silence of their own procession. There was even a faint flutter of gentle applause directed at the two darkly-clad ponies who matched outfits so well. A certain resonant harmony between them just sang out to his heart, cutting through the thick layer of frozen panic and memorized lines that kept him from running screaming out of the reception. He was not aware of his soft sigh until Princess Celestia matched it with one of her own.

“Don’t they make a lovely couple?” she said, turning to him with a cryptic smile. “It was unexpectedly nice of Twilight to volunteer to escort my sister around the reception. The two of them have so much to talk about.” For the briefest instant, Green Grass was quite certain Princess Luna had stuck her tongue out at them, but when he looked again, she was chatting amiably with Twilight and another couple.

“Yes, Your Highness,” responded Green Grass automatically.

“Pairing the two of them up was a masterful stroke of genius. The nobility have constantly snubbed my little sister ever since what they call her ‘little incident’ with the Elements of Harmony. Twilight has always been an inviting target for them, more so now when they can involve her in their little power games like some pawn to be played off against us both. Now they actually have to speak with Luna to get close to Twilight, and I do believe my little sister is enjoying every moment of it.”

“Yes, Your Highness,” responded Green Grass again, feeling a little claustrophobic despite the wide circle of empty space that surrounded Princess Celestia much as a cleared space around a military fortification that the enemy would have to cross under fire before assaulting the walls.

“Why, even their outfits are color coordinated, just like ours. How well-planned. For some reason, I had expected my student as an escort, while I thought you would be in the company of my sister. There must have been a change in the schedule I was not informed about.”

Suppressing another “Yes, Your Highness,” Green Grass forced himself to quit looking at punch bowls and trash cans⁽⁴⁾. Instead, he turned the metaphorical page of his script and prepared for his brief soliloquy before his probable death scene. In short, he was about to lie his flank off to the one pony in Equestria who could see through him like a sheet of glass.
(4) For the possibility of drowning himself, or throwing up into respectively.
—

“I have something to confess, My Princess. This evening was entirely my fault. There are a few disputed points in my thesis regarding the Griffon war of 615 and resulting political disruptions, so I thought it would be useful to get an actual eyewitness account of the event. Would I be able to get a few moments this evening to talk privately with Your Highness?”

“How in the world could I refuse such a polite request from such a charming young stallion? Twilight should be careful with you. I may just decide to keep you for myself.” The Princess gave a gentle ladylike laugh⁽⁵⁾ which Green Grass attempted to match, avoiding the nearly irresistible urge to burst into a sprint for the exit door by the smallest margin.
(5) Definition: Gentle laugh to be seen by a sibling, making them think they are being talked about.
—

“Although if my sister had reacted badly to your little ‘stunt’…” The drop in temperature in his vicinity was bitterly sharp. Green Grass could have sworn if his drink was not alcoholic, it would have frozen over. Certainly the little droplets of sweat on his back had frozen solid into beads of ice.

The Princess had not changed a single muscle in her tranquil expression, still looking out among her royal subjects with that enigmatic smile she seemed to wear like a permanent mask. It took substantial effort to avoid looking into her eyes like one of his students, trying to figure out what kind of magic trick she would both enjoy and help her master her talent. It was his special talent, but there were limits. After all, she already could raise the sun and the moon. What more did she need to do with them, juggle?

As Princess Celestia continued to make small talk in a one-way conversation with Green Grass, her voice was what finally made him see, in a flash of inspiration much as he would experience around a troubled student. The Princesses cared. Every pony in the reception hall, and outside, and all across Equestria was special to each Princess, loved with the fierce adoration of a parent to an only child. There was no place she or Luna would rather be than taking care of their ponies. Twilight Sparkle was far more than a student to Celestia, she was the pony who not only saved her sister from a horrible fate, but all of her beloved ponies across the nation.

And now, Twilight was dating a clumsy earth pony who lived in a trailer. He felt like a weed in the Royal Gardens.

“I can tell how nervous you are, Lord Green Grass.” Princess Celestia bestowed a compassionate look upon the tutor that made him feel slightly less weedy, and a little more flower-like. Perhaps a dandelion, if he were to stretch the analogy to a breaking point. “Since we started standing here, you have looked at each punch bowl, trash can and fire extinguisher visible in the hall. Are you needing a brief respite from the reception? I assure you, I am quite able to carry on in your absence.”

“N-no, Your Highness. If I start throwing up again, I’m not certain I would be able to quit.” Looking around for a distraction, his eye caught two of the male figures he least wanted to meet tonight, both talking urgently to each other with furtive glances in his direction. “Is that Twilight’s father over there speaking with the Earl of Pine Valley?”

“Yes, I believe he is apologizing for stepping on the Earl’s monocle in the confusion. Dreadful thing, confusion is. I much prefer a proper line of communication to be established, as to avoid unnecessary surprises. Don’t you agree, Prince Consort Green Grass?”

Green Grass actually had to take a measurable amount of his drink to wet his throat enough to respond. “Of course, My Princess. I overstepped my bounds. Please be assured that I have learned my lesson and shall not repeat my behavior.” He swirled the remaining drink absently, his overstressed mind desperately trying to find a conversational topic that did not involve the approach of any of the high society ponies currently keeping their distance as if he had somehow become a carnivore. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a tiny shred of rationality gave up searching for an exit, possibly a high window with jagged concrete beneath, instead foolishly deciding to forge ahead into questions that had been bothering him for a long time.

“Your Highness, as a continuing matter of education, might I have permission to ask you a question about Twilight and Spike?”

She nodded gently. “You may ask, yes.”

“When I worked as a student assistant at your school’s entrance exam for the last few years, we always used a ceramic dragon egg for the final test. How the student reacts to their failure to hatch it tells a great deal about how they will react to failing in school. We were told if they throw a fit or get violent, it is much better to find out in the test than in a room full of young unicorns just coming into their power. Sometimes they have to replace the egg, but—” he tried to shrug, finding his shoulders nearly as rigid as ceramic themselves “—that’s why they don’t use a real egg.”

“You had a question?”

“Two, actually,” he said while trying to brace his courage. “I cannot picture anypony cruel enough to submit an unhatched dragon to an endless string of young students blasting away at it. I also cannot imagine any dragon giving up their egg willingly for that kind of abuse, no matter how much gold they may be offered. But then again, I can barely understand what it is like to love somepony, let alone have her become a prisoner held just out of reach for endless years, unable to be touched.” Turning slightly from his study of the surrounding court ponies felt much like turning his back on a circling pack of timber wolves, but he met Princess Celestia’s gaze hesitantly.

“How did you find that dragon’s egg?”

“One of my couriers found it in an abandoned nest. Dragons breathe on their eggs to hatch them, but this egg had far too thick a shell to hatch normally. Even I would have been unable to break it free without endangering the hatchling.”

“And how many students did you permit to try before Twilight?”

Her ancient gaze never faltered even for a moment. “None. I was extremely lucky.”

“My father told me Luck is where Preparedness meets Opportunity.” A movement in the corner of his eye drew his attention just in time to see Princess Luna look abruptly away, with a hidden expression that made him think she had somehow managed to hear every single word.

* * *

Don Rocinante turned out to be quite an educational experience for Green Grass, far in excess of his wildest imagination. He learned that Princess Celestia actually made an excellent theatre ‘date,’ better than her sister who constantly seemed just short of shouting advice to the actors on stage and actually better even than Twilight, who surreptitiously had concealed a small pad of paper and a quill to take notes over the performance. In fact, he actually managed to relax far enough for his oversaturated brain to finally realize he was actually sitting in the Princess Box of the theatre, with both Princesses, which led to him learning that there was a small Royal Bathroom tucked in just behind the box, perfectly suited for nervous young stallions to throw up inside.

After the performance was complete, and most of the audience had left, Princess Celestia took the group to meet with the cast and crew backstage, a tradition she had begun at the first performance of the theatre, and continued ever since. The meeting turned out to be informal to such a degree that Green Grass was somewhat worried, until he finally recognized the deep professional courtesy between actors of two completely different stages. The only difference seemed to be the general lack of singing parts in the normal day of a princess⁽⁶⁾.
(6) Princess Celestia should have been concerned about falling behind. Luna was taking voice lessons and had hired a lyricist.
—

Princess Celestia seemed to know the lead actor, a young pegasus named Foix la Vella, quite well, and expressed considerable pleasure at the discovery that he had recently married the earth pony actress who played Aldonza. After Luna had resolved her questions about the changes in the Catalan dialect over her missing millennia, and some good-hearted teasing to Foix about foals, the conversation naturally just traveled to a nearby Catalan restaurant with nearly the entire cast as a guest of the Crown.

It was just amazing how the evening flowed past so quickly. One moment he found himself listening ardently to Princess Celestia describe the disaster of the first Canterlot theatre production, then he somehow became involved in a group discussion with both princesses and half the cast about his thesis. They talked loudly, and ate far more than any of them should have eaten. More than one bottle of wine was quietly produced and consumed during the party, and Green Grass never even noticed when Celestia and Luna quietly slipped out the back door. One at a time, the cast members also departed until only Twilight and himself remained, and the staff of the restaurant was quietly putting up the chairs and counting out the enormous tip⁽⁷⁾ Luna had left.
(7) Also, a lingering issue at the building code enforcement department mysteriously resolved itself the next day, clearing the way for a long-awaited expansion of the restaurant.
—

“I don’t want this night to end,” murmured Green Grass, looking across the table into Twilight’s soft violet eyes. “I want it to last forever.”

“Silly.” Twilight reached across the table and gently touched his cheek. “I’ve been through that before. It was a terrifying and uncomfortable experience, but I gained five new friends out of it.”

The two of them chuckled, and glanced over at the older couple who owned the restaurant. The elderly earth ponies seemed settled in for a long wait, sitting behind the bar with forelegs intertwined and a shared glass with the last bit of the last open bottle. Twilight sighed and held Green Grass’ hoof. “Do you think we could ever be like that? I mean… old. Together.”

“I don’t know for sure. I do know we can be like this. Young, and together. And tomorrow we can be older and together.”

“And later?”

He held her hoof tightly and tried to breathe through the tightness in his chest. “I don’t know.”

“Then we’ll just have to enjoy the moment, and let tomorrow take care of itself.” They both leaned forward until he could feel her breath across his face. “Would you like to continue this when we get home? Home? Oh, no! We missed the train back to Ponyville!”

“Yes. I mean, no! I mean—” Green Grass took a deep breath. “Princess Celestia told me she arranged alternate transportation home for us.”

“Dot would be us.” The deep voice sounded familiar to Green Grass, and his heart dropped into his upset stomach as a familiar broad-shouldered Royal Guard pegasus trudged out into the dim lighting of the restaurant. “Ve got de chariot outside vaiting on ya. Double-parked.”

“Chariot?” asked Green Grass weakly. “As in flying?”

“Yes!” shouted Twilight gleefully. “You’ll love it! Come on, I’ll show you the best place to sit so you can see the houses below as we fly.” She bounded out the door in a flurry of purple while Axe stood stoically by the doorway, still looking at Green Grass.

“The Princess not mind if her schweetie is hittin on anodder mare dis way, does she? ‘Cause we heard you iss de consort now.”

“If I say yes, could you drop me during the flight and make sure I hit some jagged rocks? I don’t want to suffer.”

The big Royal Guard gave a big toothy grin. “Naa, we just pullin der leg. The Princess say take goot care of you, und der Captain, he say same ting. We not even do loops, promise. Maybe a barrel roll if you ask real nice like, hokey? We get chu home fast so you kidz can go back to schmoochin. Now come on, not goot to keep der girlz waitin.”

Green Grass gave one last despairing look at the restaurant wine rack, both in sorrow for the full bottles still there and regret for not being so drunk they could just pour him unconscious into the bottom of that hellish flying machine. Still, Twilight was already out there, calling for him to hurry up, so he braced his courage and started to walk, muttering all the way.

“Twilight enjoyed the evening while I talked to the Princess and survived it all without dying. So how bad could this possibly be?”

Ch. 30 - Dear Princess Celestia

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Dear Princess Celestia

High above Canterlot, a Royal Guard chariot thundered through the night sky just as fast as it could travel. The drivers had been given specific instructions from a certain Captain of the Royal Guard as to where they would fly, how fast, and just exactly what to say. Of course, a certain purple passenger’s first command was to disregard all that, and to fly the way she told them. She knew her brother well.

The second passenger in the chariot was a bit more hesitant about the whole affair. There was a matching smile on his somewhat greener face as the chariot rose into the sky, but his grip on the edge of the seat was ironclad, even to the point of causing small dents that would be looked at rather skeptically in the morning by the maintenance crew.

When the speeding chariot crossed the downdraft that marked the edge of Canterlot airspace with a stiff lurch, the passengers inside exhibited significantly different reactions.

“Wheee!” shouted one, her forehooves held up above her head and a giant grin covering her entire face. “Again!”

“Bleargh!⁽*⁾” exclaimed the other one, hanging over the edge of the chariot and discovering one additional educational experience of the night: Do not throw up into the wind.
(*) Closest translation of the actual noise. Phonetically transcribing it would take a full paragraph, and nauseate the reader.
—

Feebly, Green Grass crabbed sideways around to the side of the chariot and repeated his experiment, with more satisfactory results.

“Isn’t this fun!” screamed Twilight at the top of her lungs. “Princess Celestia never flew at night.”

“I wonder why not,” shouted Green Grass as soon as he finished.

“Afraid off us hitting thinks,” shouted Axe between wing strokes. “Zat why we fly so high⁽¹⁾.”
(1) Also Royal Guard regulations about night flying, but Axe and Stonehoof never paid much attention to little details like that.
—

“High?” shouted Green Grass in a girlish shriek, finally realizing that the tiny lights so far below were actually small towns. “Lower! Lower!”

“Hokey, you da boss. Come on brudder, he want lower.”

Green Grass’ pupils shrunk to pinpoints as he realized his mistake. Both Royal Guards promptly folded their wings as the chariot plunged headlong through the inky sky towards the distant ground.

“Wheee!” screamed Twilight, raising her hooves in the air and letting the wind whip her mane into a frenzy.

“…” screamed Green Grass, causing more than one nearby female bat⁽²⁾ to look around in curiosity.
(2) And one distant Princess.
—

“Isn’t this great?” shouted Twilight, wrapping a foreleg around Green Grass

“Pull up!” he panted, eyes closed and with one leg around Twilight in a crushing embrace.

“Vat? Speak louder, ve got vind in our ears.”

“Pullupwe’regoingtocrashpullupPULLUPPULL— Ooomph!” The two guards extended their wings at exactly the same moment, pulling the chariot out of the dive and into a tree-clipping altitude while Green Grass and Twilight collapsed together onto the floor.

“Isn’t this great?” shouted Twilight right into Green Grass’ ear. “It’s fantastic! I love it!”

“This is crazy!” he shouted back. “This is insane! This is—” Suddenly his entire view turned purple as Twilight grabbed him in a vigorous kiss. The sounds of branches snapping across the bottom of the chariot and terrified birds diving for cover seemed to vanish into the night, leaving only her warm lips and the feeling of one hoof gently cupped behind his head. “This isn’t that bad, I suppose,” he stammered when Twilight quit, seeing only her beautiful smile and hearing only her happy giggle.

“Not bad?” She grinned and gently bopped him on the nose. “You taste terrible.”

“I’ve been sick,” he responded quickly. “But I’m feeling much better now.”

“Let me check,” she murmured in return, sliding into his embrace for another kiss. Ahead of them, Axe and Stonehoof gently raised the trajectory of the chariot to a more comfortable level and smoothed their wingbeats to a gentle flapping that even their synchronized flight instructor could not have found fault with. Their navigation instructor, however, would have been quite upset about how long it took them to make the simple flight to the Ponyville library, even though their passengers had no complaints at all.

* * *

“Shhh. Spike’s asleep, I can hear him snoring.” They kicked their shoes off just inside the library door and tiphooved through the dark room.

“What now?” whispered Green Grass, feeling somehow guilty as if he were sneaking into a bank vault.

“First, we need to do something about these outfits or Rarity will be furious.” A violet glow spread across his body and began peeling off his tuxedo, pressing and cleaning it as the various pieces flew across the room and landed on the couch, quickly followed by Twilight’s elegant outfit. Green Grass felt weirdly naked, even though he was wearing almost as few clothes as he normally wore. Strangely enough, he missed his hat most of all.

“Secondly, you need a bath. You smell terrible. Go on, scoot off to the tub.”

Green Grass raised an eyebrow questioningly. “What about thirdly?”

Twilight just grinned in response. “You’ll see.”

* * *

The halls of Canterlot castle echoed softly with the sounds of two Royal Guards having an unusually subdued conversation on their way to an appointment. Most likely the quiet was caused by the fact they were walking through the residential section where most of the occupants were sound asleep, and even more so by the lateness of the hour.

Axe whispered yet again to his partner, “Der Captain say he vant a report if anyting unusual happend. I say dis unusual.”

“Und I still say dis is not dat unusual. But I only go wit you, if you shut up. Hokey?”

The light but firm knocking right below the brass plate that read ‘Captain Shining Armor’ went on for a long time before the sounds of commotion inside finally turned into a rumpled-looking unicorn at the door. Both guards studiously ignored his bed-knotted mane and sour glare, and in particular they ignored one ear, which appeared considerably damp and slightly chewed.

“Yes? Oh, it’s you two. Whada want? I mean, report. Now.”

Stonehoof saluted, a fairly slow motion much akin to an avalanche in its inevitability. “Captain Shining Armor, suh. Ve vould like to report our misson vas a success, vit only one ting to report. Der stallion, he threw up.”

A familiar⁽³⁾ feminine voice called out from inside the room. “Honey, who is it?”
(3) One might even say it was a loving voice.
—

“Just some of the guards from work. Nothing serious,” Shining Armor called back.

“Well hurry up. It’s cold back here.” Captain Shining Armor turned back to the pair of guards, who had taken on the immobility and serious face of statues. “Is that it?”

“He threw up a lot, sir?” ventured Stonehoof cautiously. “Like most of de way back. Your sister, she take care off him though. Und ve get chariot washed.”

“Good job, then,” said Shining Armor rather tersely. “Take tomorrow off. Dismissed.” There was an exchange of salutes, and the door closed quite solidly with the sound of a lock. Both guards trotted quietly away, getting outside the building and nearly a block away before their control failed, and they both broke into laughter.

* * *

Spike woke up with a yawn and poked his nose out into the chilly bedroom. That short dash between the warm bed and the warm kitchen crossed a lot of cold floor, and really made him think about actually wearing that cute little girly pair of fuzzy slippers Rarity had made for him last month. Over the past few weeks as the library had grown more organized, his ‘lair’ had really started to take shape, starting with the space freed up by removing the heaps of books Twilight had been stuffing under her bed instead of returning to their proper library shelf. A faint snort distracted the little dragon from his growing collection of treasures, drawing his attention to a hoof sticking out from under the sheets of the big bed.

Looks like it’s getting too cold for Twilight out in that little wagon. Oh wait, that hoof is green. That one is purple. Green, purple, green... Better go get breakfast ready before Twilight wakes up and freaks out about me being in the same room with them.

* * *

A low rumbling shook the Golden Oak Library, gently rustling the branches and rattling the bottles of manecare products on Twilight Sparkle’s dresser with gentle clinking noises.

“Hey, cut that out.” A gentle elbow into Green Grass’ hungry tummy woke him up as Twilight pulled the blanket tighter. “No growling.”

Green Grass buried his nose into her mane and took a deep breath. “Mmmmm. I smell something cooking. Must be my hot marefriend. Ooof!”

Twilight drew back one sharp elbow in a promise of continued physical discouragement, somewhat countered by the broad grin that covered her face. “You hush back there, or you’ll wake up Spike, and I’ll send you back to your frozen wheelbarrow.”

“You wouldn’t kick a stallion out into the cold without his warm blanket.” He tunneled in closer and wrapped his hooves around her chest for a change. “I think I like it better when you’re on this side.”

“It’s that lumpy mattress of yours. It forced me into lying on top of you so I could get some sleep.”

“I like this mattress. It’s soft in all the right places. Ooof! Seems to have some sharp, bony bits though. Ooof! Maybe it just needs fluffed up?” Green hooves began a light circling around under the blanket as Twilight squirmed and complained.

“Hey! Careful. Eeep! Stop that, Spike will hear us making—”

“Haycon?” Green Grass gave another sharp sniff at the smells of breakfast filtering up from the kitchen.

“No! Making out.” Twilight squirmed around until she was pressing against his nose and smiled. “Actually, I can hear him downstairs. What do you say we…” A violet glow lit her horn as the bedroom door closed with a secure click before the noises downstairs dwindled from an obvious privacy spell.

Green Grass froze. “I don’t have that note,” he whispered.

“I don’t care,” she whispered back.

“No, I promised.” Green Grass tried to look serious as Twilight licked the end of his nose. “I intend to stand on that promise.”

“Seems to me you’re lying on it now.” Her hooves gently started to wander. “I don’t know if it would be more fun to tease you, or call your bluff.”

“You wouldn’t,” he gasped, trying to escape a hoof that had found a particularly sensitive rib.

“Try me.”

“I mean it. Eeep! I’ll get. Out. Of this. Bed.” Mercifully she stopped her assault, only to begin a second, more devious attack. A scroll and a quill floated out from a nearby dresser, and Twilight began to write.

“Dear Princess Celestia, I would like permission— Eek, stop that. To use your Consort— Would ‘consort’ be capitalized if it isn’t in a title? — for immoral purposes, repeatedly — Not the ear! — until he’s an old, withered prune — No teeth! — Your fai... fai... faithful studnet... student! Twi... Light... SPARKLE!” She tossed the scroll on top of the dresser and turned her concentration to better things.

* * *

Quite some time later, Green Grass and Twilight Sparkle trotted out of the library together, shoulder to sticky shoulder in the morning sunshine.

“Does Spike always get this grouchy when his pancakes get cold? I swear, he must have practice throwing those things.” He intentionally avoided looking at the one pancake that had somehow managed to get impaled on Twilight’s horn and stuck to the top of her head with a syrupy adhesive.

“Not the only cold thing around here,” grumbled Twilight good-naturedly, with a shoulder check that nearly knocked Green Grass off the path.

“Hey, I offered to let Spike send that letter.”

“Don’tyoudare!” Twilight blushed and shoulder-checked the tutor again. “I’d die of embarrassment if Princess Celestia saw that. I’m just going to tuck it into my hope chest and treasure it, for future blackmail. It’s a Moment.” She slowed her pace. “We don’t have many of them left.”

“There’s still a few. Today. Tomorrow. Hearth’s Warming. I got my next work assignment in the Hoofington-Wheaton district. It’s only a few hours by train away.” They leaned together as they walked in the direction of the Carousel Boutique by the most indirect route possible.

“I understand why you have to go to Canterlot this week because you need to meet with your faculty advisor before your thesis defense, and you promised to help with the Hearth’s Warming pageant setup afterwards. I know why you need to go to your next job, because teaching is as important to you as being Princess Celestia’s student is for me.” Twilight sniffed, and leaned her head against Green Grass’ warm coat. “Neither of us should have to give up what makes us special. That doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

Green Grass leaned his head against hers as they stopped walking. “I know. I will never ask you to give up your life. You have so many incredible friends.”

“You say you just want to be a friend, and I’ll drop you in the fountain,” she grumbled between sniffs.

“It’s frozen solid.”

“I’ll drop you on your head, so you won’t hurt anything important.”

They stood there for a while, leaning together and unwilling to look in each other’s eyes until Twilight spoke again.

“It’s just… I know how these things work! I saw them at school all the time. One year all the students are blubbering about how they’ll always miss each other and love each other forever and write every week! A year later they can’t even remember names. My head knows what you say is right, but my heart is saying something different.”

Green Grass leaned into her warm shoulder and flicked his tail over her back. “I’m glad I made that promise. The last thing we need is any other organs in this discussion.” A deep, hungry rumble seemed to shake the ground momentarily, and he winced. “Except that one.”

Twilight giggled. “The way to a stallion’s heart is through his stomach. And you’ve got quite a path there.”

“Hey! It’s a smaller path now.”

“Paved with whipped cream. And cookies. And little candy sprinkles.”

“Stop that, you temptress of tarts. I was wanting to say goodbye to my students this morning, then you can have me all afternoon.”

“Yum. I’ll get some whipped cream and sprinkles.”

* * *

Now that the kitchen was cleaned, Spike hustled upstairs to tidy up the bedroom. Sweetie Belle had promised to purchase several albums at the Sapphire Shores concert for him, and he wanted the whole library in perfect condition so Twilight would not complain about him taking the afternoon off.

There were some real changes that had come over his ‘big sister’ over the past few weeks. So far he had not needed to clean up an exploded experiment, or put away a giant bookpile, even get out the fire extinguisher since that one time. It would be nice if the two of them quit sleeping out in that drafty little wagon and spent their evenings in the library like today.

It felt a bit strange to think that way. When other creepy stallions had attempted to romance Twilight in school, Spike had reacted much like Rarity’s pet cat when her favorite toy was touched⁽⁴⁾. If Green Grass was right, that would mean Spike was thinking of Twilight as both an asset and a relative, and instead of stealing her away from his precious horde, Greenie seemed to be contributing his talents, resources and even himself. It felt odd, but there was a certain fire that lit in his draconic soul at the thought of having two siblings in the house.
(4) Dragons are very good at detecting a fake, be it a pony or a counterfeit bit.
—

It only took a few minutes work to tuck in Twilight’s rumpled bedcovers, and tidy up the top of the dresser which was nearly covered with the almost untouched bottles of manecare products⁽⁵⁾ she had received from various relatives (and Rarity). He neatly lined them up in tidy rows, a forgotten Friendship Report⁽⁶⁾ was quickly sent on its way to the Princess, and Spike trotted downstairs to give the rest of the library a quick once-over before his well-deserved time off.
(5) Twilight Sparkle had once threatened to shave her mane if she got one more bottle of manecare products for Hearth’s Warming. Her mother switched to giving her bottles of chemical reagents. Sweaters would probably have been safer for any innocent bystanders.
(6) Well, not really a Friendship Report, per se, but it was headed to the Princess…
—

Ch. 31 - Royal Concert for the Consort

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Royal Concert for the Consort

The bell above the Carousel Boutique’s door sounded a cheerful note as Twilight Sparkle and Green Grass strolled outside with Sweetie Belle trotting alongside. Although elements of their previous depression lingered, there was a suppressed sense of impending laughter that linked the two young lovers as both of them tried their best to keep a straight face and not look back at the door which had locked almost instantly as they left.

“Are you sure my sister will be all right without my help?” asked Sweetie Belle plaintively. “I mean she got injured at my concert… well, the concert she got the tickets for, and I feel like it’s my fault.”

“Well, you did say she was trying her ‘Hooves like Jaguar’ moves when she fell down,” said Green Grass with a subdued snicker. “She’s probably a little old to be dancing in the aisles, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, she is kinda old.” Sweetie pouted. “She was just trying to keep up with all of us kids.”

“Practically ancient,” said Twilight Sparkle solemnly. “Any older and she’ll sprout wings.”

“That would be cool!”

“I’m certain that nice young doctor from Pegalopolis she met at the concert will be able to take care of her needs,” said Green Grass with rapidly failing focus. “He did fly her back home and stayed to make sure she was going to be well— Ooof!”

“Cared for,” completed Twilight, threatening another elbow to the ribs to her chuckling companion. “And Asclepius is not a doctor, he’s just an EMP⁽*⁾ in pre-med.”
(*) Emergency Medical Pegasus, also known as a Pegamedic.
—

“Yeah, he said she had heart palpapatations and shortness of breath,” said Sweetie Belle unhappily. “That means she pants a lot and her heart flutters. I could have told him that. Are you sure he doesn’t need any help?”

“I don’t know,” said Green Grass thoughtfully while they walked, despite a blistering glare from Twilight. “He might be conducting an exam and taking her temperature. We wouldn’t want to interrupt that. It could be embarrassing.”

“That’s not embarrassing. You just open your mouth and say ‘awwwww.’”

“Not that kind of thermometer, dear,” said Twilight cautiously. “It goes in the other end.”

“Oh? Oh. Eww!” Sweetie picked up the pace. “I don’t think we should go back until we’re sure they’re done. Are we going to have any more magic lessons before you leave, Mister Green Grass?”

“No,” he said with a hesitation in his step. “I just wanted to have all of my students over to Sugarcube Corner for lunch, my treat. It will probably be the last time I get to see you all for a few months. I wish I could have gone to the concert with all of you. It would have been awesome!”

“Yeah, it would have been.” It was amazing just how much one little filly could droop while walking. He was concerned until suddenly she stopped, and jumped straight up in the air with a cry of joy. “I’ve got it!” Then he became more concerned. Before he could say anything, Sweetie Belle took off like a shot with only a few shouted words thrown back over her shoulder.

“What do you suppose that was all about?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

“Cutie Mark Crusaders Doom, most probably. If the train was in the station, I think this would be the perfect time for us to elope. It’s only a few hours to Los Pegasus and an Elvis Przewalski impersonator wedding chapel, you know. Thank yew! Yew may now kiss tha bride, thank yew very much!”

She gave him a look of Very Limited Amusement in return. “Maybe, but I don’t think Princess Celestia would appreciate me marrying her consort out from under her wing. She’d never give that written permission, and you would be sleeping in a very cold bed. Prince.”

* * *

The game was apparently Hide and Seek, and somehow both Green Grass and Twilight Sparkle had been appointed ‘It’ by some unknown agents, most probably small, quadrupedal, and without cutie marks. None of Green Grass’ students were with their parents or guardians, Spike was missing out of the library, and even Pinkie Pie was not in Sugarcube Corner when they dropped by to order treats for the student lunch. It was ominous, even more so when a dark cloud began building up over the Ponyville Town Hall.

“Them?” he hazarded, looking at the crackling electricity jumping across the thin Thundersteel lightning rod sticking out of the top of the building.

“Really? How could you guess?”

Opening up the huge front doors of the town hall revealed a concert.

A big concert.

Put on by small ponies.

* * *

“Front row seats,” murmured Green Grass, looking around at the well-lit stage inside town hall, surrounded by speakers that had somehow sprung up within the last hour. “You must know somepony important.”

“He’s a Prince Consort,” whispered Twilight with a giggle. “Bit of a geek, but he’s warm in bed.”

“Probably not as talented as his students. I can’t believe they put all of this together in just a few hours.”

“Just don’t have them fix a table. Shh, here comes Spike.”

The little dragon trotted out on stage with a wireless mike in one claw, wearing a beautiful rhinestone⁽¹⁾ vest and a top hat. “Fillies and Gentlecolts. The Canterlot Coliseum is proud to present, the Diva of Pop, the one, the only, Sapphire Shores!”
(1) Made from genuine 100% Rine.
—

The curtain glided back as the music started with a crackle of a phonograph needle on a vinyl record. Both Scootaloo and Dinky were at the drum set, Sun Glimmer and Tootsie Flute had both managed to find electric guitars somewhere, and the rest of the students were scattered around the stage, dancing like the floor had been electrified. Smack dab in the center of the chaos was Sweetie Belle, holding onto a wireless mike and lip-syncing along with the ear-splitting beats of ‘Fillydelphia Fillies’. The music was loud, the few instrument notes that did not emit from the record were horribly off-key, and the ‘dancers’ were as unsynchronized as possible.

It was magnificent.

In all probability, no real concert stopped cold between musical numbers so the record could be changed, or had brief breaks when the dancers managed to get all tangled together into a giggling heap. He could see Pinkie Pie and some other white-coated pony in the sound booth, both grinning and giggling along with his students and their friends. Admittedly, they were not ready to play the Coliseum, or anyplace else with critical ears, but they flung themselves around the stage with a reckless enthusiasm that made him remember his own young years and the trouble one could get into with nothing more than keys to the school music room. The pyrotechnics were more firecrackers than fountains, and the t-shirt cannon more of a tube with breathless little fillies trying to blow through it, and it all combined into a Moment with Twilight and his students that he would treasure forever, no matter what happened in the future.

As the concert drew to a crashing finale⁽²⁾, Green Grass and Twilight rose to their hooves for a standing ovation.
(2) Just loose props, nothing to be concerned about. That hole in the town hall floor can be patched.
—

“Bravo! What a wonderful performance!” The voice from the back of the ‘concert’ was familiar, and it took Green Grass a substantially longer time to identify it than Twilight Sparkle, who happily dashed in its direction.

“Princess Celestia! And Princess Luna! What a surprise!” Green Grass wisely stayed back as the Princess and her favorite student exchanged nuzzles. Both Princesses were smiling near the door where they had been carefully hidden, waiting for the end of the concert as not to distract the easily distractible performers. Luna in particular seemed intent to catch his eye while holding back some inner joke that she was waiting for the proper opportunity to spring. Probably on him.

“It’s the Princess!” shouted all the children as they happily galloped forward in a gleeful tide of tiny hooves. Princess Celestia’s face lit up briefly as the tide surged up to, and then parted around her. With happy shouts and chatter too fast to comprehend more than snippets, the little students surrounded the Princess of the Night.

“I saved you some Nightmare Night candy, do you want me to go get it?”

“I’m going to be a zombie next year! They stare and drool like this. Yaarrrr!”

“Did you like our concert, Princess? I bet you know Sapphire Shores!”

“Do you play the guitar?”

“I bet she sings better than Stevie Nickkers too!”

“Did you have a band on the moon?”

“With so much time to practice, I bet you’re even better than Eddie van Hooven!”

“Do you want to hear us some more, Princess?”

Green Grass secretly treasured the hint of crogglement on Princess Celestia’s face as she looked at all of the happy throng ignoring her and surrounding her younger sister, until the tiny fraction of his brain responsible for conscious thought gave him a good kick upside the frontal lobes.

“Princess Celestia, why are you here?”

“Why, you, of course.” The Princess of the Sun turned to look at him with an expression of such sensual longing that his flight-or-flight⁽³⁾ reflexes were short-circuited. A few seconds later, she could no longer control herself and broke out into a hearty giggle. “Oh, you should see your face. You and Twilight took off so quickly yesterday that you never took your opportunity to ask me those questions about your thesis.”
(3) Most earth ponies had more ‘flight’ than ‘fight’ in their reflexes. Green Grass was exceptional in that regard.
—

“Thesis. Oh. Right.” He could not even muster the concentration to glare at Twilight, who apparently thought the whole situation was entirely too humorous for his own good. “Are you certain I am not taking you away from your responsibilities?”

The Princess waved a hoof casually. “I was not doing anything back at the castle—”

* * *

“...furthermore, in conclusion, I would like to draw Your Highness’ attention to the chart I have prepared on page 1,256 detailing the damage this tax would do to the fruit production of the southern half of my Barony, and your loyal subjects who depend on...” Baron Frazzleberry paused to turn his page before continuing onward.

His loyal servant, Level, sighed and attempted to remain as perfectly flat as his namesake. His special talent of keeping things secure on his back was the only reason he had become the Baron’s assistant in the first place, even though his current position of standing in front of the closed door to the Royal Bathroom while the Baron read through the tax abatement proposal resting on his back was embarrassing. The Princess had vanished inside nearly two hours ago after receiving a letter, and had simply said, “Keep going, I may be a while.” There was an ever so faint breeze that filtered out under the door indicating an open window inside the bathroom, and a suspicious silence that would imply a certain lack of ‘Royal’ within the Royal Bathroom, but he remained where he was. Being a mobile desk was not the worst job in the world, and it paid the bills.

* * *

“—that could not be delayed for a few hours. You were not in the library, so my sister and I had to go looking for you.”

“‘Twas the delightful music which drew us here,” said Princess Luna warmly. “My older sister doth tend to music not of this nature. Tell me children, might you show Us more of this manner of rock and or roll thou didst play?”

“Yea!” Princess Luna was fairly dragged forward to the stage by little ponies who were more than happy to show what this new ‘electric’ did to a guitar, while her sister and several other adults took their opportunity to quietly slip away unnoticed.

* * *

Green Grass fairly threw his hat and cloak on the rack at Berry’s bar before ducking inside the main room, closely followed by a few discordant notes from the concert in town hall.

“Hi Berry! Up early today, I see.”

“Hiding from the noise,” grumbled Berry Punch as she wiped a cloth across a nearby table. “What idiot let the Cutie Mark Crusaders into town hall with a sound system this early in the morning?”

“Afternoon, sis,” corrected Cheerilee as she looked at the clock. There was a fairly large pile of student papers and tests around the mulberry-coated teacher, and she looked grateful for a break from grading. “You hiding out from the end of school too, GG?”

“Nope. Could I just borrow a couple back tables to do an interview for my thesis defense, Berry?” he asked quickly. “Normally I’d do it in the library, but I didn’t want all the attention to distract the subject, and this gives me space to spread out my notes.”

“You find some crotchety old geezer like General MacApple who's gonna drink up my booze and complain about us young ‘uns?” asked Berry with a mischievous grin.

He grinned back. “Actually I once described her as a ‘delightful young mare.’ She’s got a unique perspective on the events in my thesis, and I wanted to take advantage of this opportunity while I had the chance.”

Berry threw him a soapy rag and helped wipe down a couple tables while chortling. “Another young mare? Did you finally lose out on your opportunity with our librarian? I mean, she may not have much experience, but I’m sure her teacher could arrange lessons.” Berry Punch paused in her cleaning to hold one hoof across her chest dramatically.

“Dear Twilight Sparkle, my favorite and most clueless of students. I hear that you are dating now, and I just wanted you to drop by the castle sometime so I can give you that talk about the birds and bees. Sincerely, Princess Celestia.”

Cheerilee giggled and waved a student’s paper. “You know, you probably shouldn’t joke about that, with all the times the Princess just drops into town. What would you say if she just dropped in here?”

“I’d say — Oh hello, Twilight. What brings you down to my — OH MY STARS, IT’S PRINCESS CELESTIA!” Both student and teacher walked into the bar while Cheerilee gracefully bowed, and Berry Punch simply froze rigidly in place.

“Good afternoon, my little ponies. I hope we will not be bothering you with this interview.” The ceiling in the bar was fairly high, but the Princess’ mane gently brushed it as she made her way to the indicated seat. Twilight sat opposite to her teacher, and carefully sorted the stacks of notes into piles down the tables, arranged in the predefined order of questions Green Grass was wanting to ask.

“Would Her Highness like a refreshing beverage before we begin?” asked Green Grass, deeply pleased on multiple levels by the actual comfort level displayed by the Princess while sitting in an earth pony bar, instead of a fancy tea room⁽⁴⁾. It felt a tiny bit like a betrayal of his unicorn ancestry, but was compensated for by a much larger warm, fuzzy feeling for generations of earth ponies systematically snubbed by unicorns over the centuries.
(4) It was by no means the least respectable location Celestia had ever been in during her lifetime.
—

“I’m not certain about the availability of tea here, but I understand⁽⁵⁾ Berry Punch has a most excellent beer.” The Princess brought out a small cluster of bits in her golden magic field and laid them gently in front of Berry’s stunned hooves while a matching three bottles levitated out of the cooler behind her and landed on their table with a soft thump. “Now, Lord Green Grass. Where did you wish to begin?”
(5) She had not ever been in Berry’s bar before, but Axe had been very descriptive about his own visit.
—

To say Green Grass was happy about having Princess Celestia as an interview subject for his thesis was slightly misleading. He was deliriously happy that she was willing to answer questions about the thin spots in his historical studies, while still being somewhat suspicious of the absolute veracity of her answers from his experience so far. Such suspicions were not reduced by her unexpected arrival, not when she could have instantly sent a dragon-powered warning note even if she had decided to travel on the spur of the moment. Over the centuries that had passed since the Battle of Pericorn Heights and the subsequent Treaty of Rosebuds, certainly at least a half-dozen historians far more qualified than himself had probably asked exactly the same questions he planned to ask and most probably gotten exactly the same answers, if not word for word. Still, he rattled perfunctorily through his list at a fairly rapid clip until he reached the end and paused.

Despite the close proximity of the Princess, Cheerilee was still happily grading school papers at the other table like any other teacher at this time of year. After all, teachers had their priorities straight. Unlike her sister, Berry Punch had retreated to a rather uncomfortable-looking position behind the bar and had her eyes riveted to the Princess as if she could not believe Celestia was actually sitting calmly at a seat in her bar just as relaxed as if she had been there every Tuesday for a year. There was a small glass of something most probably wine-based in front of Berry, clutched like it was a magical talisman to prevent the inevitable failure in the space-time continuum caused by the Princess actually drinking a beer. Perhaps she was thinking of leaping across the bar and switching the drink with the rapidly vanishing beer in order to save the Princess’ delicate constitution from hops poisoning, or maybe she was just holding it for the familiar odor in hopes that it would wake her up from an ongoing nightmare.

Curiosity was a deadly thing. The questions he had asked Princess Celestia at the reception would never have passed his lips had his body been sober instead of intoxicated on stress poisons. School had taught him many things, primarily among them was: Truth is Relative. There is the way things really are, and there is the way things were supposed to really be. Reality vs. Theory. It was best not to confuse them, in particular when reality clashed with a teacher’s pet theory. In that case, the teacher was right, even if in reality they were so wrong it glowed in the dark. There was no greater teacher than Princess Celestia. She had taught him more lessons in one evening than anypony should ever have to know, some of which almost certainly things she had never told her own special student, and which he suddenly realized were things he should not tell either. Not for his own sake, but for hers.

Still, he had to know.

“There are no reliable records of the members of your diplomatic mission to the Griffons after the treaty was signed. Officially, the prevailing thought is they went their separate ways, and just never did anything so important as to be noticed again, the Treaty of Rosebuds being the pinnacle of their achievement. Twilight, please stop writing.” The faint background scratching of her quill stopped, but he could hear her light breathing as if she were next to his ear.

“You disagree?” The Princess’ voice was soft, and carried no farther than their own table.

“Of course not. Historical records of the event are flawless. If a diplomatic mission of four innocent ponies were slaughtered by the Griffons, it would have shown up. The battle that was fought would have been much more severely prosecuted, and I doubt that Captain Hardhoof would have rested until their entire aerie was in flames. A great number more soldiers would have been killed on both sides, and the Pericorn Griffons would most probably be extinct, instead of fairly reliable allies and providing trade with several hundred families of earth ponies in the Pericorn Valley today. There is no need for me to put that in my thesis, because historians do not deal in hypotheticals, we deal in facts.”

“Ah, indeed.” Somehow the Princess had managed to finish the last of her bottle unnoticed, and she gently placed it in the center of the table, with a number of bits as a tip. “Historians never have to deal with Realpolitik—”

The entire building trembled with the subsonic thrum of a giant, lightning-powered subwoofer being plugged in. “—or sisters,” she continued as a second impact shook the building. “That sounded familiar.”

“Sorry about that.” Ditzy’s voice sounded more subdued than usual as the door to the outside world opened and closed, and the mail mare came trotting into the bar. “Twilight are you—”

She stopped, and carefully placed the library newspapers she was carrying onto a nearby table while looking back and forth between Green Grass, Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle.

“Hello Ditzy,” said the Princess gently. “Did you have any mail for me?”

“No, Ma’am. It all went into the Canterlot bag this morning, and Powder Puff is flying it there for you now.” The mailmare continued to look back and forth among the three occupants of the table, sometimes not even moving her head as one eye would drift out of alignment. “I’m so confused,” she finally blurted out. “Green Grass, are you starting a herd?”

“What? No! What would make you think that?”

“Well, you’ve been spending so much time with Twilight lately, but then today’s papers came out and—” Conflicting purple and golden auras fought briefly with the newspapers sitting on the table before they zipped over to the two suddenly concerned mares.

“Princess to Wed Mystery Prince,” murmured Green Grass, trying to read the upside down papers. “Royal Wedding in the Cards. Mysterious Prince Woos Princess. The Mystery Prince Revealed. Is Recent Weight Gain Actually Baby Bump?”

Green Grass took a good, long look at Princess Celestia so that he would know what she looked like when she was angry. It did not help. She looked identical to her normal self except for a tiny tremor at the edge of one eye.

“I told the guard to stop the photographer, and be absolutely positive the paper did not get this wrong,” said the Princess rather coldly. “If you will excuse me, I must see an editor about a correction.”

“Princess Celestia, did you mean Axe?” Twilight looked concerned as she mentally reviewed the events of last night. “The pegasus guard you talked with before you and Green Grass went into the reception? Because Princess Luna talked to him right after the two of you were announced, and he went back to his station. I don’t think he actually ever talked to the photographer.”

Outside, a deafening chorus broke out, with a certain familiar voice singing the lead:

♫ YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD TO ROCK!
YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD TO ROLL! ♫

“Luna.” Princess Celestia stood up abruptly and turned to leave. “You will excuse me, Lord Green Grass. I must have a word⁽⁶⁾ with my sister.”
(6) The word was ‘Pain!’
—

Without even pausing for a response, the Princess began walking for the door. By the time she reached the doorway, she was trotting, and the ‘whoomp’ of giant wings opening corresponded almost exactly with the sound of Berry’s door being ripped off its hinges and sent flying into the street.

“LUNA!”

The Princess of the Night paused in her guitar solo as the thundercloud powering the amplifier went suddenly silent, and several windows in the town hall shattered. She tilted her sunglasses back up onto her face and shrugged effortlessly out of the guitar strap. “Children, it hath indeed been a pleasure to jelly⁽⁷⁾ with thy band, but I must be going now. Thank you so much for allowing me to participateandI’llseeYOULATERBYE!” The velocity of the dark alicorn grew exponentially as she plunged for the doorway, emerging just moments before her furious sister arrived, and twisting up into the sky towards Canterlot with howls of delighted laughter.
(7) Princess Luna’s study of modern Equestrian idioms was still a work in progress.
—

“LUNA YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!”

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU, DEAR SISTER.”

“I’LL GROUND YOU, I SWEAR!”

“ONLY IF YOU CAN CATCH ME! THE EXERCISE WILL DO YOU GOOD. CAKEFLANK!”

“I AM NOT FAT!”

“PLUMP RUMP!”

“COME BACK HERE, YOU BRAT!”

“TUBBY TIA!”

The Princess of the Night took a look backwards and redoubled her wing strokes. Celestia had indeed gained a few pounds where they did not belong, but she was overcoming their penalty with pure, sugar-fueled concentration. Together the two sisters flew high in the sky towards Canterlot, in an exuberant display of pure alicorn speed that was truly appreciated by both Twilight Sparkle for its technical details, and Green Grass for the rapidity which it moved the Princesses farther away.

“You don’t think Princess Celestia will really hurt her sister, do you?” he asked, looking at the tiny dots vanishing into the distance.

Twilight regarded Green Grass skeptically. “Afraid of marrying somepony so prone to violence?”

“No, just trying to figure out the size of the bucket of water I’ll have to keep in the bedroom if she— Ouch!”

Ch. 32 - Though Miles Separate Us

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Though Miles Separate Us

The morning sun glittered in chromatic fragments through the huge window of the Royal castle suite, covering the floor in a pattern of brilliant reds and purples that gently reflected into the eyes of a certain green earth pony, who lacked a purple blanket to pull over his head.

“Meh. Late.” Green Grass gave a yawn and slid out from under the warm covers while trying not to think of what Twilight was doing at the moment. It was a little embarrassing to admit how well he had slept on the huge soft featherbed that took up so little floor space in the huge castle suite. A small fraction of his ego wanted to be able to confess to Twilight about long, sleepless nights awaiting the moment when he could look into her eyes again, but truthfully he had nearly dropped over unconscious before he could pull up the sheets.

Yesterday’s plans of staying at the family estate and preparing for his thesis presentation over the next few days had lasted all the way to the Canterlot train station, where he had been ‘greeted’ with all the fanfare the Fourth Estate could muster. Battalions of photographers, squadrons of stenographers, platoons of pegaratzi, along with every curious onlooker that could wander over to the train station had packed themselves into uncounted rows of flashbulbs and microphones to greet him like the opening brass section of the Canterlot Royal Symphony Orchestra performing ‘The Cannon Overture.’ He still had no idea how they knew⁽*⁾ to meet him there.
(*) A highly placed source in the government, extremely close to Princess Celestia. Closely related, in fact.
—

On the plus side, he had met Captain Shining Armor when Princess Celestia had sent an ‘honor guard’ to rescue him from the besieged train. Apparently Twilight’s brother felt he was worth speaking to despite his relationship with his baby sister; he had actually said “Follow me” and “Here we are” during the trip, which was at least cordial⁽¹⁾.
(1) Definition: Cordial - Fruit soaked in alcohol, sometimes on fire.
—

On the minus side, from the sound of the audience as they traveled he had been viewed alternately as “The Prince”, “That Noble Stallion”, and “Him? Are you sure?” Green Grass was still not certain if he should be flattered or insulted.

He mused about the concept during the trip to the castle, which had a notable pink sheen to it since the good Captain Shining Armor kept his shielding spell up nearly all the way there to keep the reporters and photographers away. Greenie’s own father had abandoned the capital city, fleeing to their winter resort in the Daylit Mountains and leaving the estate besieged by the flashbulb wielding barbarians. Certainly a few pots of boiling oil and a barrage or two of arrows would have thinned their ranks out, but the Princess had firmly put a hoof down⁽²⁾ and insisted on the security of the castle for his sorry green hide instead. He was grateful, but was not totally convinced this was the right way to persuade the mindless ink-stained wretches to dampen their glee about a mistaken marriage.
(2) The Royal Guard kept one pot of oil warmed up, just in case Princess Celestia changed her mind.
—

Still unsure why he had gotten out of bed, Green Grass trudged across the cold sunlit tile in the general direction of the bathroom while grousing, “Thought I left a wake-up call for before dawn.” There was a faint click of shoes on tile outside his hallway door which made him turn away from his bathroom trip, but the door swung silently open before he got there to reveal a guest who really reminded him just how badly he needed to use the bathroom, with the possibility of locking the door and staying in there for the whole week.

“H-hello, Princess Luna,” he managed to stammer out. “H-how may I be of—” His tongue dried up at the word ‘service,’ leaving him simply staring in frozen terror at the Princess of the Night.

“Hello, Lord Green Grass.” The Princess cocked her head as she looked over his body, resting her eyes uncomfortably long on his flank. “We thought it best to finally meet you in an informal setting, as our previous meetings were rather short. May I have a few minutes of your time this morning before your brother Graphite arrives to escort you to your thesis advisor’s meeting?”

“Yes,” he managed to croak through a dry throat while calculating just how many steps he had walked up yesterday, and if that long a fall would be fatal if he were to fling his body out the window.

“We shall not keep you long, for the night is late and I shall soon seek the comfort of my own bedchambers. Have you had time to meditate upon our last meeting?”

Green Grass nodded, the smell of lunar dust seemingly returning to tickle his nose.

“And what insights have you gained from our words?”

“I didn’t know there was going to be a test. I mean—” He looked up into those deep blue eyes and froze.

She’s so terribly lonely, and she fears that particular pain inflicted on others more than anything else in the world. Now she is even willing to sacrifice her own self to prevent that end. If she had returned from the moon and not had her sister to greet her, she would have shattered like glass. Alone. Friendless. Both of them only want—

“Love,” he said, blinking away tears. “Both you and your sister love all of us, and only want us to feel the same way. I was unwilling to allow love into my own heart, so how could I show it to others?”

Princess Luna simply remained standing in the doorway, unchanged and unchanging, as she most probably could have remained until Green Grass died of old age. “Close. Still, you show remarkable improvement. No screaming, no shouting, no throwing up.”

“Yet,” he muttered with clenched jaw.

“Very well. You may have Our permission to court Twilight Sparkle for now, provided we continue our discussions on a regular basis. Now get up. We have sent thy brother to your chambers to prepare you for your test. My sister’s student would be most vexed should you fail.”

“Get up?” Green Grass looked around the sunlit room in puzzlement as a faint blue glow formed near his rump unnoticed. “I thought—”

* * *

Green Grass took a sharp gasp of chilly air and groped futilely for his blankets, before sitting up in bed in his pitch-dark room and cursing quietly at the sharp pain in his rump. Somehow, and he suspected divine intervention, his warm comforter had slipped down onto the stone floor along with his pillows. With a grumble, he gingerly trotted across the icy cold floor over to the door of his suite and peeked outside.

“Pardon me, guard. Could you tell me— Waahgh!”

The huge Royal Guard stationed outside his door was not the polite orange-maned unicorn from last evening, but a rather fearsome-looking dark pegasus with folded bat-like wings and piercing golden eyes that were oval, like a predator.

“May I help you, sir?”

The dark pegasus seemed friendly, and not in the least interested in ripping his throat out and feasting on his bloody corpse. It took a bit of sleepy morning mental groping to gather his wits, but eventually Green Grass managed to ask, “You’re a nectarine, right? I mean nocturne. Night Pegasus. Luna’s guards! Right?” Green Grass grinned weakly.

A mixture of contempt and humor passed across the guard’s dark face, and he nodded. “Optio Pumpernickel of the Royal Guard, Night Division. Personal guard for Princess Luna. How might I help you, sir?”

“Oh, I was just… My brother is supposed to be coming over this morning, and I thought I’d check. Right. Nothing important, um, Optio. I don’t think I’ve ever met anypony named Optio before.”

The hefty guard flicked his wings in what Green Grass recognized as a sign of minor aggravation. “It’s a rank.”

“Oh. Come to think of it, I’ve never heard of that rank before either.”

The guard’s bat-like wings flicked again. “Princess Luna gave it to me.”

“Oh.” Green Grass thought for a moment, stalling for time while waiting for the sound of his brother. “Pumpernickel is a fairly rare name too.”

“I’m the only one in my family for the last two centuries. I’m trying to live up to it.” The guard’s tail twitched slightly against his charcoal-grey coat while in the back of Green Grass’ mind, a small fact clicked gently into place.

“The same Pumpernickel who was part of the diplomatic mission to the Griffon tribes of Pericorn Heights in the year 615 of the Griffon Era?” The only sign the guard was aware of his words was a flick of one ear, and finally a single word.

“Yes.”

Green Grass considered his words carefully. “How did he die?”

“Like a true Royal Guard. When the Griffons attacked, he held them off to let the diplomat escape. It didn’t work. They killed him. They killed all of them.” The guard turned partially with an ominous frown. “How do you know about him?”

“I don’t, really. He was just mentioned in my thesis research papers, and it struck me as odd.” The distant sound of shoes on tile made him grimace on the inside. His brother Graphite was always just late enough to cause problems, and this was no exception. “You know history does not show the diplomatic mission was attacked by the Griffons.”

“Then history is a liar, sir.” The guard returned to his immobile position.

That one loose fact sticking up awkwardly in the middle of his neatly aligned thesis bugged him despite the early hour. If it had been an hour later, or at least after several cups of coffee, he would have just shut his big trap and gone back to work, but he had to talk it out loud for his brain to make sense of the idea. “What kind of wild coincidence puts a guard in front of my door who just happens to know the one bit of information I have been trying to track down for half a year, the one bit that contrasts with Princess Celestia’s own accounts?”

“I don’t believe in coincidences when it comes to the Princesses, sir.”

“I wasn’t asking you,” growled Green Grass. “I was asking… the universe in general, I think.”

“Don’t think the universe is going to answer you, sir.”

“I hope not.” The clicking of hooves in the distance continued to draw nearer, although Graphite still had not arrived. “What in Tartarus am I supposed to do with this information?”

“Ignore it, sir.” The charcoal-grey coat of the Night Pegasus twitched as if a fly had landed on it. “I’m just a guard, she’s the Princess. A Princess.”

“Umph. Good point. Look, I’m going to leave my door open. When Graphite gets here, just chase him on in. I’ll be in the shower. And we never had this conversation, right?”

“What conversation? I’ve just been standing out here.”

* * *

♫ Oh, you gonna let it all hang out,
Fat bottomed mares, you make the rockin’ world go round! ♫

“Lord Green Grass, we have arrived to pick you up for your appointment.”

Green Grass bellowed over the sound of the shower in return. “Hey Graphy, what took you so long? Did you bring along some sweet young thing you found in the linen closet?”

An embarrassed pause ensued, ending with one of Graphite’s polite diplomatic coughs. “Not quite. How did you know I had somepony else out here?”

“Because you get all stuffy and formal when you have a date.” He turned off the shower and hopped out of the tub to briskly towel himself dry. “Or have you given up on dating and actually found somepony to tie the knot? Has the Griffon ambassador finally decided to make an honest stallion out of you, when he found out that little chick was with egg?” He grinned at his reflection in the mirror as his older brother spluttered in the other room.

It was a brotherly teasing long owed. The one time Graphite had brought the oldest daughter of the Griffon ambassador by the house, Green Grass had the misfortune to be far away and unable to tweak him for the occasion. Tossing a towel over his damp mane, he trotted out into the other room to get dressed for his appointment with the faculty advisor at dawn and tweak his brother some more. If Graphite’s new marefriend did not like it, she was free to turn her back.

♫ Oh, you gonna take me home tonight!
Oh, down beside that red fire—

Green Grass cut off abruptly as he walked out into his room to find Graphite in a petrified pose with Princess Luna at his side. At first Green Grass froze, then grinned and swept into a graceful bow. “Princess Luna, what a pleasure it is to see you again this… morning, isn’t it? Or is it still considered evening?”

“My moon has but an hour before it is to pass, and my sister’s sun to take its place. Morning would be appropriate.”

“Thank you, Your Highness.” Green Grass opened up his closet and began to put on his suit coat and hat. “Is there anything I might do for you this fine morning, Your Highness, or shall I simply call you my beautiful sister-in-law?”

Luna chortled quietly while Graphite seemed to have become locked in place, awaiting divine lightning. “The newspapers have been whipped to a fever pitch by my sister’s little prank. Truly it is a great pleasure to see her hoist by her own rather large petard in such a fashion.”

“Oh, fear not, My Princess fair. For I, Prince Consort Green Grass, have taken steps to alleviate this embarrassment to the crown. Before my departure from Ponyville, I did tread the steps of the Fourth Estate for an in-depth interview with the finest journalist who walks the hallowed halls of the press, a young reporter by the name of Sun Glimmer.”

“One of your students, M’Lord?” Dark sparkles danced in Luna’s eyes, much like Twilight when she was happy.

“Yes indeed. They ran an extra edition right before I left, and I brought a few dozen of them with me.” He rummaged among his suitcases and produced a copy of the Foal Free Press newspaper, which he presented to the princess across a foreleg much as he was giving her a ceremonial sword.

Luna scanned through the paper⁽³⁾ while Graphite continued to try gaining his brother’s attention, finally resorting to grabbing one leg with magic and dragging him into a corner of the room.
(3) Finding only three spelling errors, two grammar corrections, and an unneeded hyphen, much better than the score any of the Canterlot newspapers received.
—

“Are you insane?! How are you talking to the Princess this way? Why?!”

Green Grass chuckled at his brother, grabbing a tie and clipping it on his jacket before hefting the bags containing his thesis and supporting documentation⁽⁴⁾ onto his back.
(4) Substantially pruned from its original size, or he never would have been able to carry it without a wagon.
—

“Why, brother of mine, I’m in a second dream right now. The signs were all too plain, but I don’t want to wake up until Princess Luna is done with me. Might I have your permission to be awakened, My Princess?”

The bundle of newspapers floated up out of his luggage wrapped in an indigo aura before dividing themselves into two. Half dropped onto Green Grass’ back, and half floated behind the Princess.

“Yes, I believe we are done now. I shall depart so that you are not late to thy meeting. Oh, and by the way.” The Princess stopped in the doorway and a needle-sharp pain lanced through Green Grass’ rump, making him snap a glance backwards just in time to witness an indigo glow vanish, as if Luna had pinched him with her magic.

“See you tomorrow night,” she said while prancing out the door with a smile.

“I’m not asleep?” asked Green Grass in a panic.

Ch. 33 - Hearth's Warming

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Hearth’s Warming

♫ The fire of friendship lives in our hearts
As long as it burns we cannot drift apart
Though quarrels arise, their numbers are few
Laughter and singing will see us through
We are a circle of pony friends
A circle of friends we'll be to the very end! ♫

Green Grass sang along with the rest of the crowd in the theatre at the Hearth’s Warming Pageant just as loudly and possibly a bit more off-key than Twilight Sparkle’s parents on either side of him. A number of coincidentally placed rather hefty ponies in their immediate vicinity seemed less concerned with the pageant than keeping fairly close and looking around. From their nearly identical short manecuts, they were either disguised Royal Guard, or badly disguised Royal Guard, dispatched undoubtedly from the Princess to discourage reporters from his vicinity. They were starting to get annoying. The reporters, not the guards.

Still, he thoroughly enjoyed the Hearth’s Warming Pageant to a degree he had never experienced before, basking in the warm glow of happiness from Twilight’s parents, with some small amount of his own warmth contributed to the effort. After the final curtain call as the rest of the audience was picking their way out of the theatre, he was more than happy to escort Twilight’s parents backstage to the wrap party.

“Greenie!” The pink blur of party pony fairly bounced off him, over to Night Light, the hefty stallions following them, and over to Twilight Velvet, spreading hugs with every bounce. “We were just starting the party! Ooo, Mrs. Twilight, you’re extra special huggy today. You get three times⁽*⁾ the hugs!”
(*) Well, there were three times the ponies to hug, two of whom were very small.
—

The light tracing of a hoof up his back was the only warning Green Grass got of his assault. One moment he was watching Twilight’s pregnant mother getting hugged while wondering if they had informed Twilight Sparkle she was about to become a big sister, the next moment the unicorn in question had slipped in front of him for a chaste kiss of respectable duration, considering her parents were within hoof-reach.

“Hi Greenie. What did you think of the show?” Twilight Sparkle had shed her Clover the Clever outfit for a warm muffler, looking as if she were going to trot right out into the snowy streets with her next step.

“Am I supposed to grade it?” he asked with a smile. “I suppose I might dock a point or two for technical performance flaws—” Twilight’s soft violet gaze that he was basking under began to get chilly “—made up for, of course, by excellent costuming and singing,” he completed quickly, feeling the warmth return to her gaze.

“Enough of that, son,” interrupted Night Light, standing nearby and looking impatient. “Show her your thesis grade. He’s had it stuck inside his sweater all night, and he wouldn’t let either of us look until he could show you.” Night Light gestured to a suspicious lump under the green stallion’s sweater, which made his daughter giggle.

“Mom got you that sweater, didn’t she?”

“How could you tell?” A series of mathematical formulas began at the sweater’s neckline, starting with simple Commutative and Associative principles, branching out into Trigonometry down one sleeve, and Calculus down the other, with the chest segueing into a series of conjugated Latin verbs and sentence diagramming. With a great deal of displayed reluctance, he began to draw out the envelope, only to have it pounced on by Twilight. Twilights.

“Mom!” Twilight Sparkle wrestled with her mother briefly before relinquishing control of the envelope to her elder. “What does it say?”

“Manners, dear.” Twilight Velvet continued reading in silence, a red pencil tracing her progress down the page with the occasional mark or muttered, “Hmm.” Finally, she tucked the report back into the envelope with a sharp nod. “Not bad, only three typos, an unneeded hyphen, and one of the most inconsistent uses of the Clopsford Comma rule that I’ve ever seen.”

“What score did he get?” asked Twilight Sparkle with a bright, happy smile as if she were opening a present.

“Oh, sorry dear. I was reading the thesis committee's report.” She pulled the papers back out of the envelope again only to have Twilight Sparkle snatch them out of her grasp.

“97.7 percent! How could you get that low a grade?” Green Grass waited in silence, knowing Twilight was perfectly capable of answering her own question. “Pronunciation? They dinged you for points because you can’t speak proper Griffon without a beak? Well, we can fix that!”

“No!” he yelped. “I like my lips.”

“I’m sure she likes them too,” said Twilight Velvet, patting him on the sleeve⁽¹⁾. “What she meant was you can appeal your thesis evaluation to regain your lost points. Isn’t that right, dear?”
(1) Specifically on the Volume of Conic Sections.
—

“What? Yes, of course. Right. Heh.” Twilight Sparkle blushed. “Why don’t I just go over and get us some punch? Mom, you can describe the appeal process to him while I’m gone.” The purple mare trotted off rather quickly in the direction of the refreshment table while Green Grass eyed her mother.

“I really don’t want to appeal. I’m perfectly happy with my score.”

“Of course you are, dear. But there’s a principle involved here.” Twilight Velvet pulled a set of forms out of her purse and started to pass them over. “Now, I’ve started the process and—”

“No.”

“What do you mean, dear?” Velvet held the forms and a quill suspended in front of her in a posture that indicated only a slight pause in an inevitable process.

“I mean, no. As in, I’m not going to do it. I’m perfectly fine with my score.”

“Why, that’s simply ridiculous. You don’t deserve to have those points taken—”

“No.”

“But the appeals process—”

“No.”

* * *

“Two point three points,” grumbled Twilight Sparkle as she walked over to the punch bowl. “Can’t believe he’s just going to roll over and— Excuse me? I was going to get some punch?”

The white unicorn stallion who had cut in front of her at the punch bowl turned around and put on a broad smile. “Twilight Sparkle? It is you! My brother has said such nice things about you. Allow me to get you a drink, please.” He turned his back and served up two glasses in his firm blue magical aura, passing hers over smoothly, with just a light tingle as their magical fields touched. “Asclepius is not really my brother, but we’ve been so close ever since medical school that we’ve been called the Alicorn Twins. You know, his wings and my horn.”

“Oh, he’s here? I didn’t think I saw him with Rarity tonight.” Twilight lifted the punch to her lips and hesitated. Something about the stallion’s eyes reminded her of several bad memories, and there was the faintest tickle in her magical grip on the punch that was familiar. Lowering the punch back down, she leaned closer to the stallion with a practiced smile. “You know, I never did thank him for taking care of my friend so well after the Sapphire Shores concert.”

“Well, then. Allow me to accept your thanks on his behalf. My name is Lord Euripides, of House—” He cut off abruptly as Twilight moved closer, almost nose to nose with him. Her analysis spell was complete, and the results just what she expected.

“Have you ever been to Stalliongrad?”

“N-no, I can’t say I have.” The stallion looked rattled momentarily, his sense of calm returning as Twilight took a step back and restored his personal space, having accomplished her objective.

“Allow me to teach you something I learned from the Stalliongrad ambassador.” She hefted her drink in front of her face, motioning him to do it also. “It is very important for Stalliongrad toast that all of drink be consumed at once,” she continued in a low Stalliongrad accent. “It shows you have real steel in your spine. Now we present our drinks like so.” Carefully she raised her drink to touch his, and smiled, or at least exposed her teeth.

“Lyubov!” They both tipped their drinks back and guzzled, finishing the entire glass and turning it upside-down in front of each other. There was a faint patterning of applause from surrounding ponies who had noticed the exchange and were watching intently.

“Do you know what else the Stalliongrad ambassador taught me, Lord Euripides?”

“No, I don’t,” he replied, looking slightly baffled.

“He taught me how to cheat at cards.” Twilight’s voice rose in volume slightly for the benefit of the surrounding ponies. “You see, there’s this rather difficult spell that allows you to trade two identical objects. Normally it can be used to switch your cards for better ones carefully tucked away, but it can also be used when—” Twilight’s voice changed to a frosty snap “—some unscrupulous stallion tries to gimmick your drink!”

“I-I don’t—” Euripides had a slightly pale cast to his already white coat, and his eyes darted around the room sluggishly. “I think I-I should…”

“Thought I recognized that spell,” said Twilight bitterly. “Your willpower is all gone, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” he responded blankly. “I didn’t think it would be like this.”

“I know just how you feel,” growled Twilight under her breath with only a brief twinge of regret at the number of witnesses. “I’d like you to tell somepony all about your plans for this evening, Lord Euripides.” She gestured a nearby disguised guard over, and tried to avoid a look of disgust as the defused Lothario began to rattle off his precise itinerary, all neatly organized into a checklist of sorts. Within moments, the surrounding ponies were looking aghast and blushing vigorously while she slipped away from the commotion.

Once she was certain the young noble was in good hooves, it only took a moment for her to scoop up several replacement glasses of punch and wended her way back to the family. It felt a bit strange to think of the green earth pony as family, but with her mother’s sweater across his back and the approving nod Night Light gave the both of them at the exit door as she trotted up, it was only a minor hiccup in a warm glow.

“Mom and Dad headed home early?” she asked, levitating one of her glasses of punch over to Green Grass while looking at her parents leaving the party, Spike draped across her father’s back.

“Yes, Spike clunked out. Too much stress and a late night, I guess. Plus your mother had a headache⁽²⁾.” Green Grass gestured at the blonde unicorn still talking uncontrollably while being led away from the punch bowl by two security guards. “Problems?”
(2) Twilight Velvet did not admit to losing the argument, only postponing the inevitable conclusion.
—

“No. How about you?”

“Not a one.” He grinned foolishly, receiving one just as foolish in return, although there were lines of tension around her eyes that made his heart beat faster. “Just enjoying the moment.” The grin faded slightly as he glanced around the room. “I only feel a little like the main attraction in the circus. We seem to be splitting the viewing public. About half of them are watching you, and the other half, me.” They drank their drinks quietly with little conversation, watching the way eyes would flicker away, only to return when they thought the watcher had returned to other activities.

This cast party was actually fairly subdued in Green Grass’ expert opinion. At this point in the ‘My Fair Mare’ wrap party, the drunken romantic leads had already landed in the punch bowl and the refreshment table respectively, and the prop bed had been ‘claimed.’ Then again, that party did not have a half-dozen formerly armored party poopers hanging around the exits. It was time to liven things up around here, and the best way to accomplish it, was to leave in style so the party could really start.

“Do you feel like getting out of here?” he whispered to Twilight, who quickly nodded in response, dumping her leftover drink into a nearby trash can almost instantly.

“Would you mind if I conducted a bit of statistical research, just out of curiosity before we leave?” Her thin-lipped glare was weak, more of a discouragement than a command, but her sparkling eyes were what he saw. “Good. I’ll only be a moment.”

“Attention! Can I have your attention, please? Thank you.” Green Grass made his announcement standing atop the front table, with a clear line of flight to the door just in case this went badly. Once all the eyes of the room were on him, he cleared his throat. “Just a quick statistical survey here before Twilight and I take off from this wonderful party.” A number of whistles and catcalls echoed up from the crowd, and Green Grass grinned in response. “Thank you, thank you. I hope you all find someone half as nice. Can we get a quick round of applause for the entire cast, including the best Clover the Clever I’ve ever seen?”

A roaring clop of stomping hooves drowned out all attempts at conversation as Twilight Sparkle blushed adorably at the doorway.

“Wonderful. Now for the mathematical portion of the evening. Can we get a quick show of hooves here, please? How many of you have heard that false rumor about my sorry green hide being engaged to Princess Celestia? Ah. That many?” A veritable forest of upraised hooves greeted his eyes.

“Now keep those hooves up. How many of you actually believe Princess Celestia would fall for a lazy green earth pony who got such bad grades in school?” A vast majority of the hooves went down. “Wow, that’s still a lot of you. Either you all have a lower opinion of our Princess, or a higher opinion of me. I’ll presume it’s a high opinion of me.” An embarrassed wave of laughter went around the room.

“Okay, last question. Those of you with your hooves up, how many of you would be willing to bet fifty bits cash that the Princess and I really are romantically involved?” Every single hoof went down, with a wave of nervous laughter. Green Grass turned to Twilight and grinned. “See, dear. None of them seriously believe that garbage in the papers, or I’d be able to make a mint here tonight.”

“Wait a minute!” Rainbow Dash leapt into the air and hovered over Green Grass’ head. “How many of you here have heard that Twilight Sparkle and Mister Modesty, Green Grass are an item?” Every single hoof went up again, and Twilight attempted to blush herself to death, although she raised her own hoof high, as did Green Grass.

“And how many of you think it’s going to last?” There were a few wavering hooves, but they all seemed to stay up, to Green Grass’ consternation and a powerful wave of applause.

“Wait a minute!” Green Grass waved his hoof around until it quieted down. “That means about a dozen of you were crazy enough to think I was going to hook up with both Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle?”

One hoof in the back promptly popped up. “And Luna!”

* * *

The walk outside of the theatre into the chill night air brought a matching chill to his heart no sweater could muffle. The Hearth’s Warming break was going to be over in a few days, and then he would be off to Hoofington. Twilight had been far more right than he was comfortable confessing. There had been a dozen stallions in his graduating class that he had been willing to hang out with, or be hung out with. Half of them had seemingly vanished off the edge of Equestria upon graduation, and of the remaining, only one had dropped by his ‘prison’ in the castle, and that was only to confirm the rumor and promptly leave.

They had finally arrived at that time of the night where their two paths were to diverge. There was an equation somewhere around his sweater’s left cuff describing the proper method for calculating the divergence of a vector field, but it was as incomprehensible as anything he had ever faced in his own heart. No calculator or abacus could make sense of the emotions that tore him apart. The cool moonlight seemed a weak substitute for the will to say goodnight; it lit Twilight’s mane and coat with a glitter of a thousand bits of ice crystals that gummed up his words. They stood for a long time at the split in the path. To the left lay security, in the form of the castle and his secure room where hordes of newspaper reporters could be kept at hoofs-length. To the right lay the road to Twilight’s childhood home, where the rest of their friends were staying the night before heading back to Ponyville in the morning.

The word would not come. ‘Goodbye.’ It was a simple word. Ponies had said it for centuries beneath the moonlight as they went their separate ways, although most probably not many with the flutter of guardians in the sky and the lurking presence of a disguised guard at the end of each path. How used to their presence had she become in the years spent at the side of Princess Celestia? Did she even see them anymore, or were they more like lamps and end tables in the castle? He turned to her in the moonlight, his courage braced to speak, but what came out was, “It’s going to be cold in that bedroom at the castle without you.”

Twilight leaned against him, looking up at the stars. “You could always invite Luna.”

He regarded the moon with new eyes, thinking of the lonely Princess of the Night, returned to a strange world with only one thing the same as when she left. The terror at her name was absent now as if it were a dream, blown away by the winds of change. “She’s... not that bad.”

“In bed?”

Green Grass spluttered weakly at Twilight’s enigmatic smile. “No! She’s… different.”

Twilight gave an exaggerated sigh and rolled her beautiful eyes. “It’s the wings, isn’t it?” Despite Green Grass’ objections, she continued onward, fighting a grin. “I knew when I found how ticklish you were, that pegasus wings would win out in the end. No, don’t fight it. I know how attractive she must be to you, as the mare of your dreams.”

“Literally. No, really. I don’t—”

“No, do not fight it, my fearless Knight-Errant. I shall not keep you from the warm embrace of your teacher in the arts of love.” The long-repressed grin finally won, and Twilight’s eyes danced with laughter in the moonlight. “She might keep you after school, or make you write lines.”

“Do I at least get a kiss?”

“Oh, I’m sure she’ll give you loooooots of kisses.” Twilight giggled as she drew close, touching lips gingerly at first, and firmer as time slowly passed in their embrace. They might have been there for minutes, or perhaps hours when they finally parted, and Twilight breathed, “Whoa.”

Green Grass swallowed hard and blinked back tears. “Okay, I’ll stop. But only under protest.”

Twilight’s poke to the ribs in return was so gentle as to be a caress, and she leaned in for another kiss. “Wanna come over to my place? I think I can sneak you in without anypony noticing.”

A feeling of lightheaded abandon swept over him, and he grinned foolishly.

“Great.” She leaned out to look at the bulky unicorn at the end of the path. “Sergeant, I’d like to sneak my coltfriend into the house. Are your soldiers ready?”

“Yes Ma’am!” Looking up into the sky, the badly disguised guard⁽³⁾ called out, “Optio Pumpernickel. Change of plans. Egghead will be accompanied by Lucky back to Home Plate.”
(3) Technically they were not guards. Their official classification was ‘Bait’ for the evening. The real guards were good enough never to be seen unless they were needed.
—

A voice drifted down from the empty sky. “I’ll notify the pickets. We’re a little short-hooved tonight, so be careful.”

The sergeant looked back at Twilight and gave a terse nod. “Ma’am, you are cleared to saunter.”

As the two young lovers began to wend their way back to the Twinkle House, Green Grass sighed in contentment. “I could get used to this. I just wish we had more than three days left.”

“And nights,” said Twilight with a soft nudge.

* * *

Blotter was an old-school reporter in a business that considered school to be outdated. There was no sense in youngsters today, unwilling to dig through trash cans or bribe bellhops for juicy leads. Ambush journalism got the best results; the number of foolish things ponies said with a microphone rammed under their nose in the bathroom or shower had kept him employed firmly on the top of his game for decades. And nothing was juicier than the rumor about Princess Celestia’s new coltfriend. Actually ‘new’ was a misnomer, since there were no records at all⁽⁴⁾ of her ever taking a lover, or even getting married. Careful research of the newspaper records showed this new ‘Consort’ had been almost invisible during his academic career in Canterlot, then proceeded to lead quite a carefree life in Ponyville. The next step would have been to pin him down for an interview, but every effort he had made in that regard had failed.
(4) Blotter should have noticed certain holes in the historical record, or the reluctance of record keepers to talk about the issue. It would have saved him a great deal of trouble.
—

If he would not talk, then the next best thing was to get an interview with the Princess’ student, who apparently had no problems sampling the royal merchandise from the photos and interviews he had accumulated so far. Royal interference with the free press could only go so far. It had taken him hours to locate a proper snowdrift along the route between her home and the theatre, dig a snow-covered camouflaged hole inside and time the guard patrols. Twilight Sparkle had been accompanied by parents on her trip to the theatre, but so far Blotter had already seen the parents and dragon return without a single sign of the elusive unicorn. His hooves were frozen, his tail was frozen, and he was pretty sure his mane was frozen, but he stayed wrapped around his tape recorder to keep it warm and maintained a close watch on the narrow path his prey would have to traverse to return to her home.

This interview was going to be explosive. He could feel it in his bones.

Ch. 34 - Wedding Bells

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Wedding Bells

Image credit : Tamalesyatole

Of all the centuries-old traditions in the Canterlot castle, Princess Celestia regarded Hearth’s Warming evening as one of her favorites. After attending the traditional pageant with her guests, Princess Celestia would make polite excuses to the various diplomats and royals in attendance before retiring to her private quarters, not to emerge for any reason short of invasion⁽*⁾ until the next morning. The normal night staff of the castle would then all be able to go to their own homes and families, except for a few guards selected by lot who remained at their posts.
(*) There were the occasional sneaky trips to the kitchen storeroom in the event of a Royal cake or biscuit shortage, but they were kept confidential by the staff, who simply adjusted the inventory records the next day.
—

With the return of Princess Luna, the Night staff had been all prepared to break tradition and remain at their places until the Princess of the Night had informed them all quite firmly that any pony found wandering the halls or behind a desk during Hearth’s Warming night would be physically dragged back to their homes, at which point each of their family members would be given a feather and a Royal Command to tickle the obstinate work-obsessed pony until they were helpless. She even volunteered to donate the feathers.

Normally Princess Cadence also returned back to her home in Cavillia to spend time with relatives over the holiday season, but for this year, she too announced her intention to spend the entire evening with her favorite aunts, particularly since Princess Celestia was still having such issues with the ‘blasted wedding rumor’ over the past few days. Celestia had been so stressed that everypony in the castle noticed how the holiday season just was not soaking in the way it should, and the general consensus was a good concentration of her family would be just the thing to put her back on top of her game.

There was an opportunity here that two young conspirators could not pass by. Distracted by the negative publicity crisis, Princess Celestia would be alone in her private study, the perfect time to slip armaments into the castle and stash them for a midnight coup attempt. With the assistance of a suborned member of the Royal Guard, they gathered their tools of warfare, and crept into the Royal Tower, up the wide stairs and concealed themselves on either side of the door. This was the pivotal point of the plan. Celestia would be unaware of their attack until it was too late, most probably reclining on her couch in front of the fireplace with a book and a tremendously large box of chocolates. Once they had gathered their ammunition, they reached for the doorknob, ready to begin the assault.

Although Princess Celestia had never faced an attack quite like this one, she was by no means a spring chicken. You had to get up early in the morning to get ahead of the Princess of the Sun⁽¹⁾, and despite being distracted by an endless series of mindless reporters, she had seen the signs, and prepared her own counterattack of royal proportions. When Luna and Cadence burst through the door to her study with pillows held high and whooping like little foals, they found an overturned couch backed against the wall, with an astonishingly large collection of pillows surrounding a very prepared Princess.
(1) A figurative expression only. On more than one chilly morning, the sun had been raised by nothing more than an extremely tired princess poking her horn out from under the covers before returning back underneath for an extra hour or two.
—

Captain Shining Armor pulled the door closed after the last of Cadence and Luna’s pillows had entered the private study, and tried to ignore the stentorian crashes and thumps that shook the thick stone walls. Despite his oath to defend the Crown against all danger, they were all three alicorn princesses, and were perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. As the bass rumbling of the assault continued, a few snow-white feathers drifted out from under the door and Shining Armor could not help but smile despite his Royal Guard training. Some things were just not covered in the manual.

* * *

A giant blizzard of feathers floated in drifts and waves throughout the Royal Study, covering the three princesses in a storm-tossed sea of white. The floating remnants from pillows which had exceeded their structural limits and exploded were being well used by Celestia, her white coat providing excellent cover to pop up in unexpected places and pelt the young upstarts mercilessly. There was only one outcome that was possible, and eventually the two young rebels collapsed onto the middle of the floor, begging for a Royal Pardon. Celestia flopped down on top of them and wrapped them both in her broad wings, triggering a matching response in both of them until it seemed the whole world consisted of warm, multicolored feathers in a sea of sisterly giggles.

“Thank you, Luna. And you too, Cadence. This was exactly what I needed.”

Cadence snuggled up to the left side of Celestia, having ceded the Country of Right Celestia to the Princess of the Night. “It was no problem, Aunt Celly. It was Luna’s idea.”

“‘Twas most certainly not! Thy young and rebellious mind did conceive of this outrageous rebellion entirely without my assistance, and did drag my old, feeble-minded self into your arcane machinations.” Luna blew a soft, white feather off her nose, ignoring the hundreds more mixed within her mane.

“Luna!” Cadence swept a wing full of loose feathers up and dumped them unceremoniously on top of the Lunar Princess. “You had the plan all laid out on paper before I even asked.” A second and third wave of feathers rapidly followed, applied by both of the other alicorns.

“I was simply prepared,” she replied, invisible under her downy coat of loose feathers. “From such small annoyances do larger problems grow, until they become far too large and painful.”

“Like one’s little sister getting all sad and remorseful on a night we’re supposed to be enjoying as family?” One white wing descended into the sea of feathers concealing Luna, zeroing in on well-known tickling spots until a suitable amount of cheer had been restored.

“Mercy, my sister! Santa Hooves⁽²⁾ hath brought you a present!”
(2) Princess Luna had become quite interested in the ‘Santa Hooves’ legend, and had prepared a lengthy list of her missed presents with a calculated amount of accumulated compounded interest for presentation to the kindly reindeer upon his expected arrival this evening.
—

“A present?” The tickling effort redoubled while Princess Celestia looked around. “Where?”

Cadence grinned and contributed to the ticklefest against Luna. “Shining Armor came up with the idea. Some ponies burn symbolic images of the bad things that happened to them during the year in the Hearth’s Warming fire, so a new year can start fresh without old baggage. He brought an issue of every newspaper that came out since the reception, and thought you could throw them into the fire, one at a time.”

Princess Celestia paused. “Editors might make better— No, they’d stink up the place worse than feathers.” She eyed the cold, feather-choked fireplace with remorse. “No, I don’t think we want to light a fire in there tonight. It’s too bad; I really looked forward to throwing in the Fillydelphia paper with the headline ‘Cakeflank or Babybump.’”

Luna rolled over on her back, still giggling despite being tickle free for over a minute. “How about the one that said ‘Princesses Plan Double Wedding’? We wonder who they considered for my mate.”

“I thought they slandered Green Grass terribly in the headline ‘Him? Really?’” Princess Cadence waved one wing, bringing a wave of feathers into the air like a cloud. “‘Royal Lover Tells All’ was a particularly poor one, and had a horribly uninformative article with many technical errors about erogenous zones.”

“How about the headline that suggested thou wert starting a herd as in days of old, and listed six of the most eligible bachelor stallions in Canterlot as possibilities? With the most delicious of photographs.” Luna licked her lips and spit out a feather.

“There’s a reason those six are still bachelors, Luna.” Celestia reached one wing for her sister, who danced out of range. “This is so nice, having you both here. These last weeks have been such a mess, and yes Luna, I know I brought it all on myself.”

“We never said a word.”

“Well, Aunt Celly, I’m glad you’re feeling better. I hadn’t seen you this worked up since Twilight stole all the toilet paper out of your bathroom for a science experiment⁽³⁾.”
(3) Proving quite conclusively that no matter how much toilet paper you twist together, you cannot make a rope able to hold your weight as you slide out the window for a midnight trip to the library⁽⁴⁾. Although you can still make a cushion large enough to break your fall without breaking anything else when it inevitably fails.
(4) Subsequently disproved by empirical data to Twilight’s eternal shame, resulting in much greater testing of her hypotheses in subsequent papers.
—

Celestia snorted twice, once from the exasperating memory, and once to get rid of the feather up her nose that the first snort caused. “I only wish tomorrow I didn’t have to start this all over again. All of the press has just gone totally nuts about the concept of a royal wedding. I’m not getting married, and that’s final.”

“I don’t know, Aunt Celestia,” said the Princess of Love, gently brushing aside the soft mane from her forehead to reveal her horn, surrounded with a thin golden band crowned with a perfect diamond. “I think a wedding is just what Shining Armor and I need.”

* * *

The high-pitched squeals of joy that burst into the corridor were only partially muffled by the thick walls and door, and all the Royal Guard training in the world could not keep Shining Armor from grinning like a fool.

“Congratulations, sir.” His second at the guard position gave the captain a sharp salute while trying to remain at least superficially reserved. Despite his best efforts, he was grinning almost as much as Shining Armor while he took a glance at the filled ice bucket by the captain’s side. “Guess this explains the champagne. You going in there now?”

“No. I think it’s safer if I just stand out here for a while and let them calm down.”

* * *

By the time Cadence could see through the whirling cloud of feathers kicked up by her dancing aunts, she had a grin that could have matched or surpassed her future husband’s. Celestia finally skidded to a halt at her side even though her sister was still leaping happily around the room like a little filly. “Cadence, we must drink a toast in honor of your wedding.”

She grinned back at her aunt. “Shining Armor is right outside with two bottles. Shall I call for him?”

“In a minute, dear.” Princess Celestia took a deep breath and tried to ignore her happy sister for a moment. “He knows what he is getting into, correct?”

The smile on Cadence’s face grew solemn, but did not vanish, merely becoming deeper as if it encompassed her entire being. “He will always be my Shining Armor, even if I outlive him by thousands of years. The moments we spend together will never leave my heart, and our love will never die, as long as there is breath within me.” Princess Luna stopped bouncing around in the background and wiped back a tear while Celestia just shook her head with a gentle smile.

“No, dear. I didn’t mean that. I mean does he realize what it will be like to have Luna and myself as his relatives?” Celestia’s smile grew as she dug a mostly intact pillow out of the drifts of feathers.

“Oh, Aunt Celestia. You wouldn’t.”

Luna floated two of her own pillows up and hid them behind her back. “Care to make a wager?”

Cadence’s look of muffled outrage transformed slowly into a grin as she scooped up a pillow of her own, and arranged herself next to her aunts. “Oh, Shining Armor,” she caroled in a sing-song voice. “Could you step in here for a moment? We have something for you.”

(Source JunkYardGypsy at Deviantart )

(Source Elenafreckle at Deviantart )

Ch. 35 - Saying Goodnight

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Saying Goodnight

The prison corridor of Canterlot General Hospital was so infrequently used that most of the cells had been converted to cleaning supply storage and a location to store blank forms that had become outdated but were still too new to throw away⁽*⁾. A rather bedraggled unicorn stallion lay uncomfortably strapped to an observation bed in one of the rooms, the low light inside showing a narrow path between towering stacks of ‘PM-427b Stethoscope Sterilization Reports’ and the tips of his hooves. It had been several hours since he had been escorted to the facility and administered a magical purgative to remove the last remnants of his backfired spell, and nopony had shown one tiny bit of sympathy to his calls for assistance since. With the hefty magical suppression ring bolted to his horn, he could not even loosen the uncomfortably tight straps that bound his hooves.
(*) No joke.
—

At long last, a set of hoofsteps sounded in the hallway. They could only be headed for his room, and Euripides carefully went over the list of excuses and alibis he had prepared over the last few hours, until the wearer of those shoes opened the door and his mouth went bone-dry.

“Good evening, Lord Euripides,” said Princess Celestia tonelessly. “Did you enjoy the party?”

A frog in the desert would have been able to make more noise than the blonde-maned stallion, sitting there with his mouth soundlessly opening and closing. The Princess’ horn lit up, and the straps began to withdraw from his hooves, but he remained as rooted in place as if he had been glued to the table.

“We shall make this visit short. You displease me. You assaulted Twilight Sparkle. In a week’s time, you will be faced with a magistrate of our courts, who will judge your guilt and assign thy punishment.” The violet eyes of the Princess bored into his own with such excruciating intensity it felt as if her gaze were reflecting off the back of his skull. “Do you wish a degree of clemency to be applied to your case?”

Helplessly, he nodded.

“Good. It occurs to me that your attempted actions against the young Miss Sparkle may not have been from malice or avarice. Perhaps you were simply unable to comprehend the magnitude of your misdeed. Would that be a possibility?” The Princess looked emotionlessly at him as she lit her horn.

“Yes,” he croaked painfully, nodding at the same time.

“Wouldst thou be willing to accept a few hours of education in order to lessen thy punishment?” The lights in the room began to dim as the darkness rolled in like inky smoke, slowly swirling around the base of the boxes and climbing up his bed as if it were drawn to him. Euripides was nearly unable to speak. His attention was completely riveted to Princess Celestia looming over him and the small pool of golden light surrounding them while the darkness coiled hungrily outside its protective glow.

“Yes,” he managed to squeak.

“Very well.” The golden light from Princess Celestia’s horn wrapped around him in a warm embrace, much like dropping into a hot tub. The world seemed to grow slightly, and a pink tinge raced over his coat while the horn restraint fell to the ground with a clatter. Groping at his head, he found his horn vanishing into his forehead, as well as the bizarre sensation of something else near and dear to him at the other end vanishing too.

“What are you doing?” asked a high-pitched and very feminine voice that he realized with a jolt came out of his own mouth. Clutching a pair of delicate hooves to his face, or more correctly her face as she suddenly realized, Euripides let out a shrill girlish shriek.

“Now, now, young lady,” purred Celestia as the scream suddenly cut off. “You are simply going to learn a small lesson on how the other half lives. Have fun at the party.” A wave of darkness swept up around the young mare, and in the blink of an eye, she found herself in the middle of a scene she had been in many times as a stallion in college: a fraternity party, with dozens of well-dressed stallions all staring with hungry eyes at the delicate little pink earth pony who had dropped into their midst.

* * *

Princess Luna trotted quietly down the hospital corridor, stopping before the Royal Guard who stood stoically in front of an unlabeled hospital door.

“Sergeant Sweets, is the prisoner still asleep?” Luna peeked through the observation window to see the handsome unicorn stallion still strapped firmly to the table, tossing and turning as if in the grip of a powerful dream.

“Yes, Your Highness. The nurses said the medication would keep him out for a few more hours.”

“Well, the civil service has much to do tomorrow, and many of them will be spending additional time with their families. Allow the prisoner to sleep until noon before you begin processing. They all could use the additional sleep.”

The Royal Guard saluted crisply. “Of course, Your Highness. Thank you.”

The Princess of the Night took one last look at the sleeping prisoner before turning to leave. “Keep up the good work. Goodnight Sergeant. Sweet dreams, Lord Euripides.”

* * *

The walk home with Twilight Sparkle took on a magical air under the moonlight and scattered blowing snowflakes that continued to fall⁽¹⁾. What should have been a few minutes stroll along the snowy streets of nighttime Canterlot turned into a wandering of epic proportions, through the sleeping city, past the closed ice skating ponds, and along the icicle-encrusted waterfalls glittering like jewels in the moonlight. It seemed as if each block had a tiny park or Hearth’s Warming decoration that needed to be admired, every wide spot in the street an excuse to look up into the sky and gaze at a different star. They could have walked all night, if not for the quiet sniffling of their chilly guards growing louder as the night progressed, but after delaying as much as they could, they eventually turned their hooves for home.
(1) The Night Guard pegasi on their protective detail kept bumping the clouds they were using for cover.
—

To both of their surprise, as they approached House Twinkle, a stallion lurched out of a nearby snowbank in a burst of snow and stumbled in their direction. If Twilight had not recognized the device he held as a tape recorder, things could have gotten extremely uncomfortable, but she merely watched in amusement as he stumbled up to Green Grass, shoved the microphone under his nose, and blurted out through chattering teeth “Haare you zlleephing with Vrrincesss Seelestia’s dottoher?”

“Another reporter?” Green Grass shot an annoyed look at Twilight Sparkle, who was simply glowing with happiness. “What’s this make, four tonight?”

“Five.” A violet glow surrounded the shivering stallion, and the snow began to steam off his coat. In moments, he had quit shivering and even looked a little flushed with bright red cheeks. A small newspaper floated in a magical grip over to Green Grass, who tucked it inside the reporter’s toasty-warm jacket and gave it a pat.

“There you go. One exclusive interview with what I consider the most important newspaper in Equestria. I think you will find all your questions answered quite well. Sun Glimmer was extremely detailed and did an excellent job on my interview, if I do say so myself⁽²⁾. Thank you very much, and please remember to take a deep breath.”
(2) Somepony else must have thought so also. She received two offers of full-ride scholarships when various newspapers ran reprints of her article, and one college offered her a transfer. Her father turned them down, explaining that she probably should finish elementary school first.
—

Magic swirled around the reporter, and with a sharp ‘pop,’ he vanished.

* * *

“Yaa

aah

hhhh

hhhh!”

The soft ‘plop’ of Blotter’s impact in the snow echoed around the castle guard annex, drawing the attention of two ponies. The off-duty Royal Guard⁽³⁾ turned slightly to watch the reporter come crawling out of the giant sculpted pile of snow marked with concentric circles, then carefully checked and logged the time, as well as the impact point. “Two-fifty-seven A.M. The first one just shy of the 8 ring; she must be getting tired.” He carefully examined the betting pool book and made another notation. “Two o’clock pool goes to Captain Shining Armor. Again.”
(3) The actual entrance had been bricked up internally during renovations three centuries earlier, but the respective changes in the duty schedule for outside guards was still working its way through committee. It made for a relaxing duty position, but sometimes the on-duty guard liked to have somepony to talk with.
—

“I still think we should exclude him from the pool,” groused the on-duty guard next to him.

* * *

Green Grass fell in step with Twilight again as they strolled down the path to her home. As it turned out, sneaking into the house was a lost cause, as Rainbow Dash greeted them at the door with a giant bowl of popcorn and a devious grin. “Hey Twilight, I’m glad you made it home. Hi Greenie, Night Light is about ready to start the home movies, so grab some popcorn and settle in.

“Home movies?” asked Twilight with a twitch. “I’d love to, but I need to see Green Grass home. He wouldn’t want to stick around for some boring home—”

“I’d be delighted,” said Green Grass with a bow and a smirk, dragging the star of the show behind him to the den where the projector had been set up.

The Twinkle household had a long family tradition of staying up all night during Hearth’s Warming, or at least as long as the children were able. Despite some interesting footage of Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor’s early years involving solid food and bathtimes, the long walk around town had seemingly drained the two young lovers of their energy. They slipped out of the home movies around the first day of school⁽⁴⁾ and vanished behind a closed door into a familiar small bedroom that felt much smaller than she remembered with the two of them inside. An infectious giggle rose in Twilight Sparkle’s chest and leaked out all over her companion as she got a good look at her carefully made up bed, with two pillows instead of one, and a special surprise on top.
(4) Coincidentally missing the section of ‘Twilight Sparkle: The Documentary’ where the young filly had been caught bribing her brother into helping bring back twice her own body weight in books from the school library on her first day in school.
—

“Look at what mom left on our pillow.”

Green Grass blushed fiercely, and tried not to look. “There’s a whole box of them. What does she think we’re going to be doing all night?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Twilight leaned up against his neck and batted her eyelashes. “I think we could make a good start on them tonight, and finish them up tomorrow. Think of it as a reward for your good behavior.”

Green Grass tried to blush more, lowering his head and mumbling, “Your father already slipped me a box tonight, when your mother wasn’t watching.”

“Ooo, what flavor?” Twilight craned her neck to look at the small package the stallion was trying to hide behind his back.

“I didn’t check. I was too embarrassed.” He shuffled around and peeked inside the box with a sigh. “Cherry.”

“Yes! My favorite! Trade?” Twilight draped herself across his back and leaned over to nuzzle him on one ear. “Pweeeeeze?”

“Well, I suppose, since you asked nice— Hey, those are cherry too. What if I don’t like cherry?”

“I’ll take ‘em!” Twilight popped a sugary chocolate into her mouth with a groan of orgasmatic pleasure. “Mmmmmm.”

“Hey! I didn’t say you could have my cherry!” There was a thump outside the door as if an older pony walking past stumbled, and Green Grass quickly added, “It’s a candy! Honest!” The sound of receding giggling in the hallway died out as the stallion collapsed onto the bed with a heavy sigh.

“Depressed?” Twilight Sparkle cuddled down tightly next to him as not to fall out of the narrow bed and popped a matching chocolate into his open mouth.

“No. Yes. Most definitely not.” He opened his mouth and accepted being fed another chocolate. “I’ve got so many emotions smashing around inside of me I think I’m about ready to pop. So many things left unsaid and undone.”

Twilight wriggled around delightfully while pulling up the covers, tucking in under one male foreleg as if she were sculpted to fit. “Well, I can think of one thing I’ve been waiting to do forever, and since it sounds like you can’t sleep, tonight’s the night!”

* * *

Later that evening, or more correctly, early in the morning, in bed.

“I can’t believe we put this off for so long.”

Green Grass chuckled in a distracted fashion while trying to concentrate on his activity. “Self-control. Very important. Makes this so much better with you.”

Twilight Sparkle harrumphed. “Well, I’m sorry for pushing so hard. You were right. It is better since we waited. Now hurry up.”

“Hey, you’re getting ahead of me!”

“Well, yes. A little.”

“Take your time and treasure the moment.” He jumped as she lightly bit down on his ear.

“I know. I’m impatient. Hurry up, or I start tickling. I know where all your ticklish spots are.”

“Unfair! That’s incentive for me to slow down.”

“You want to get to the end just as much as I do.” Twilight bit lightly and breathed down his ear. “Now turn the page, or I’ll make you yell so loud, all my friends will hear.”

With a sigh of regret, Green Grass turned the last page of Don Rocinante. “It always makes me a little sad to finish a book.”

Twilight leaned back with a sigh. “It makes me happy. Once you’re done, you get to start another one.”

“And another, and another, and—” Green Grass broke off when Twilight blew a puff of air into one sensitive ear and grinned as he squirmed to scratch the resulting itch.

“Hold on for a moment, lovercolt. I’ve got something else I want you to read.” Twilight crawled out of the covers, leaning over the edge of the bed and rummaging around in her bags on the floor. Green Grass weighed the relative downside of being caught watching her rump when she eventually did finally turn around versus the upside of actually watching her rump. The decision was easy, and he watched the interesting wiggles and twitches until she emerged with the paper she was looking for.

“Found it! I had it in the bottom of my bag so it wouldn’t get lost⁽⁵⁾.”
(5) Or read by anypony else.
—

She turned around, to Green Grass’ momentary regret at the loss of scenery, made up for by a much better view of the beautiful unicorn. Not looking away from his gaze for a moment, she gave him a piece of carefully folded paper that looked strangely familiar. He unfolded it, blushing nearly crimson as he recognized the ‘Permission Request’ from his memorable first night in the library bedroom. It smelled ever so faintly of smoke and was lightly speckled with dark spots as if the reader had a mouthful of tea when the letter was first read.

Then he read the addition at the bottom, written in an extremely tidy and royal form.

My dearest student,
As much as you may wish to seek understanding by analyzing and examining the ways of love, you will find them as great a mystery as anything I have ever seen in my long life.
Where logic fails, always trust your heart. In the end, what the heart truly desires can be brought to fruition no matter the obstacles that stand in its way.
In this regard, I trust you both to make a decision together that is the best for the two of you.
Princess Celestia
P.S. Don’t let him get away. The position of Royal Consort (Day or Night shift) is still open.

Green Grass looked up to see Twilight smiling so broadly it seemed as if she were glowing. “Does this mean—“ he started before Twilight Sparkle placed a hoof on his lips.

“Shh. I’m treasuring the moment,” she said, before turning out the light.

Ch. 36 - Saying Goodbye

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The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Saying Goodbye

Two young lovers sat next to each other on the morning train to Ponyville, sitting almost silently in their seats. For the past several days, they had been nearly inseparable⁽*⁾, traveling the streets of Canterlot day and night as if they were afraid of missing some experience to share, or some restaurant they had overlooked.
(*) Except for the bathroom. There are limits.
—

They hardly noticed as the reporters took to new subjects and left them alone, which was probably a good thing since the snowdrift at the castle had been cleared to make way for some sort of Royal announcement in the near future. Other ponies talked to them with all the impact of shadows or simple daydreams, for the young ponies had eyes only for each other. Time was their enemy, rolling onward without regard for their feelings. And time had caught them.

The clatter of the train across the tracks was as rhythmic as the tick of a clock, and just as inevitable. The end of their time together was near.

There were certain moments of their time in Canterlot that would stay with them for the rest of their lives. Their memorable evening at the ice skating pond and the subsequent tour of Canterlot General’s Radiology Department⁽¹⁾. Their discovery of a late-night bistro with a telescope on the roof. A midnight carriage ride through the Canterlot sky and subsequent visit to the Canterlot police department on littering charges.
(1) Just a sprain.
—

There was just one time they wished they both could forget. At dinner one night with the family, Night Light had asked about his new conditioning regime. Twilight Sparkle had gone on and on about how his physical stamina was up and how much farther he could go before collapsing into an exhausted heap. Then her mother had said, “That’s wonderful dear. How is his jogging coming along?” It would not have been as bad if both he and Night Light had not just taken a large bite of mashed potatoes.

The train drew nearer to Ponyville.

Their days and their dreams had been quite princess-free, as if the rulers of the land had much better things to do. Or perhaps they simply did not believe they would be able to get through to them without a rather large hammer. Even the aristocracy seemed to give them wide berth, which bothered neither of them one whit. They did not notice how the ponies in Canterlot were quick to open doors and provide service at the stores and restaurants. The two of them fairly glowed with contagious happiness as if normal happiness were a fire being forced with bellows to burn faster and faster.

The train began to slow at the Ponyville station.

There was so much that still needed said, even though both of their voices were hoarse with talking. The flood of words had dwindled to a trickle as they boarded the train, then a driblet, and finally not even a drop. They basked in each other’s presence, trying to absorb the experience as if it would never happen again.

“Ponyville Station. Ten minute stop.”

The world seemed to pour back into their vacuum with a rush, the baggage to be collected, the two of them struggling through the crush of passengers embarking and disembarking. Words returned, although few and mostly ‘excuse me’ and ‘no, go ahead.’ All of her friends including Spike were waiting for them on the wooden platform, with a luggage cart and a ‘Welcome Back Twilight’ banner. It was like a wave of multicolored happiness that was held back until their arrival, and then broke across both of them.

It also lasted far too short a time, as the conductor announced the train’s imminent departure. Green Grass took the time for one last kiss, which was remarkably remark-free, despite the close proximity of all their friends. Strange how he had thought of Pinkie and Applejack as ‘his’ friends last year, then ‘her’ friends, then the whole bunch of them lumped them all together into ‘their’ friends now. It would have embarrassed him beyond measure to have exchanged a kiss in public a few weeks ago. Now, not so much.

“Letter for you! Oops!” Both of them dodged to one side as Ditzy crashed into the platform, two letters held in her mouth. “Sorry about that,” she mumbled, hoofing over the letters, one to each of them.

“Thank you, Ditzy.” Twilight Sparkle ripped open her letter and began to read it through. “Pokey wants me to tutor Sun Glimmer for the next couple of months on alternate weekends. It’s a paying job with mileage. That’s funny.”

“This is weird,” said Green Grass, scratching his head. “The Hoofington library wants me to help rebuild their index across the whole library on alternate weekends too. I don’t know anything about library indexes.”

The two of them simultaneously looked at the addresses of the letters, and traded.

“That’s better. Seems to be quite a coincidence,” said Twilight with a straight face⁽²⁾.
(2) As stated before, Twilight Sparkle had amazing self-control.
—

“As somepony I know once said, I don’t believe in coincidences when Princesses are involved.” He flipped through the letter, trying not to grin. “You know, I think Pokey’s letter is legit.”

“Um-hum,” she replied, tucking her letter away. “Are you sure you want to leave your wagon parked under my library tree until spring?”

“So it’s ‘your’ library tree?” asked Spike as he dragged some of Twilight’s luggage over to the cart.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “For the last time, Spike. The library is not a ‘Starter Hoard’ or an ‘Organic Cave.’ It belongs to the town, and we’re just renting it.”

“Speaking of which.” Green Grass fished out a small bag of bits and dropped it into the little dragon’s outstretched claw. “Wagonsitting fee, as requested, in advance. I’ll need it back after I move out of the teacher’s apartment in Hoofington, so no capturing any fair damsels and imprisoning them inside please.”

“Awww.” The little dragon looked heartbroken.

“And no renting Dad’s books out, or charging Twilight to borrow them, or subleasing my perfectly good unburnt and unexploded wagon to the Cutie Mark Crusaders.”

“Does that mean I have to return their deposit? Yeah, I suppose.”

Chuckling, Green Grass made sure to give each one of their friends a good hug⁽³⁾ before returning to the burdensome task he was trying to avoid. Saying goodbye.
(3) The hug rated at 3.7 out of 5.0 on the Twilight Velvet scale. He was improving with practice.
—

“I had so many things to say, but my mind is a blank. I’ll see you in a week, so I guess I’ll think of something by then. Can you please wait to read this after I’m on the train?” He pressed a letter into her hoof and turned to go, stopping at a familiar magical tug on his tail. “It’s not a breaking-up letter, I promise.”

“It better not be, mister. I’ll track you down.” She kissed him gently on the lips and gave him a swat across the rump with the rolled up letter. “How long have you been keeping this from me?”

“A day or two.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You wrote it in the bathroom, didn’t you?”

“Well. Yes.” Green Grass glanced at the conductor, who was still had not gotten on the train. There was still a minute or two.

“How romantic. You wrote me a love letter in the bathroom.”

“It’s a place of deep thought and quiet contemplation. All the best books⁽⁴⁾ wind up there, right?”
(4) Twilight knew the rumour was true, having reviewed the contents of Princess Celestia’s Smallest Library⁽⁵⁾ extensively during her time as a student, and bringing her own selection to the Ponyville library. It was strictly reference, with no loans, and lots of bookmarks.
(5) Celestia’s Smallest Library was located inside her personal bathroom, within easy reach of the ‘facilities.’ It included five history books, three biographies, a current copy of Twerp’s Peerage, and one of only two known surviving copies of the romantic fiction Rodrigo Hardflanks, Stallion of the Sun.
—

“Well... That’s beside the point.” They hesitated, each waiting for the other to speak until the conductor walked by.

“We’ve stalled as much as we can, ma’am.”

Green Grass blushed and gave Twilight a quick kiss. “See you in a week.” He trotted into the train just as it began moving, vanishing from her sight as if he had never been.

She waited for a moment before looking at the letter he had left behind. Written across the front in simple legible letters was ‘Twilight Sparkle’ and below that ‘First and Only Draft.’

Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I have this terrible feeling as if my affection for you will just vanish into thin air some night unless I write my thoughts down and give them to you. That is, after all, what a library is for. It collects the thoughts and emotions of others and holds them in a form that can be remembered even after the thinker has gone to dust. In a way, this letter will be my own small library for you.
Even if I were snatched away this very night and taken as far from you as could be imagined, it would still feel as if you were right beside me. Once when I was younger, so many weeks ago, I felt that giving away one’s heart was a fool’s game. Little did I know that the gift would be returned in kind a thousand fold. The heart that beats in my chest can no longer be called my own. Well, figuratively.
I know I cannot be positive if I am the right stallion for you, or if you are the right mare for me, for ‘right’ is subject to so many interpretations. I feel in some way as if I stand at the bottom of an unscalable cliff, looking up at perfection, but I know how false that perception is now. I have seen your few flaws, as you have seen many of mine. Although neither of us is perfect, you have helped me see the flaws in my own soul are not as deep nor as insurmountable as I once thought, and I sincerely hope I have done the same for you.
It is my most sincere hope that we will continue to see each other and grow in our relationship oh that sounds so trite. I wish I could stand by your side forever, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart and that sounds trite too. Let me say on paper what I could not speak out loud. I can’t write it. I (*****). If I say it, I’m afraid it will make you feel guilty, or manipulate you into responding in kind even if you really only want to be friends. Those words chill me; we’ve scarcely known each other for a few weeks and yet I cannot imagine a time without you at my side. The thought of leaving you even for a few weeks fills me with a boundless terror, but I know if I clutch myself to you in the way I want, I will not be giving you the freedom that I so admire when I see it in your soul.
You confuse me. And this is a good thing. I wish only to be confused by you forever.
Love,
Green Grass.

Twilight clutched the letter in a magic that suddenly seemed weak. It seemed to take forever to fumble in her bag for paper and quill, and scratch frantically on a letter of her own.

Dear Princess Celestia,
You cheater! I recognized your Day Steward’s writing on that letter from Hoofington.

Thank you from the both of us. I’ll send you a longer report tomorrow.

Your faithful student
Twilight Sparkle

She rolled the scroll up and shoved it into the little dragon’s claws while concentrating on the departing train. “Spike, send that to the Princess right away, and take this other letter and stick it in my hope chest under the bed. Hold down the fort, and I’ll be back on the next train this evening.” Magic coiled around Twilight and with a sharp implosion of air, she vanished.

* * *

Green Grass looked up from the floor of the train where he lay uncomfortably, with an embarrassed purple unicorn sprawled across him in full view of the other dozen or so travelers in the car.

“Conservation of momentum⁽⁶⁾?” he offered cautiously.
(6) Proving he either had been paying attention in Physics class, or had been reading his sweater recently.
—

“Yes, did you miss me?” she asked, with a kiss to his forehead. “I forgot to compensate when teleporting into a moving train car.” She gave his forehead another kiss. “I decided to make sure you found your way to Hoofington. There’s another train headed back this evening, so that gives us a couple more hours together.

* * *

Spike chuckled as he held the abbreviated friendship letter up and sent it on the way to Princess Celestia with a sharply regulated breath. “This day is going in the diary, no doubt about it. Looks like it’s just me in the library again tonight. Would any of you like to come over this evening to keep me and Owlowiscious company? How about you, Rainbow? Care to defend your title at Battleclouds?”

“What? Didn’t you hear our favorite egghead? She’ll be back on the evening train.”

The chuckle turned into a full-blown laugh as the dragon made sure all of the luggage was properly loaded on the cart. “Would you care to put money on it? Ten bits says she’s not back before tomorrow’s train.”

“You’re on!”

As Spike began to push the cart with Twilight’s luggage back to the Golden Oak Library, he was stopped by Rarity, along with the rest of the group.

“Oh, Spiky,” she whispered softly. “Would you mind terribly if we took just a tiny little peek at that letter she wanted you to hide away?”

“Rares!” Applejack tried her best to look annoyed instead of curious. “That’s private.”

“Oh, don’t be silly. The two of them have been egging us all on like fools for simply weeks! Of course, if little Spikey-Wikey doesn’t want to let us have a look…” She reached out with a hoof and tickled the purple dragon under the chin.

Moments later, Rarity opened up the letter and began to read. “Dear Princess Celestia, You cheater!...”

* * *

Far away in Canterlot, Princess Celestia trotted down a castle corridor with a skip in her step and a precious letter in her magical grip. Twilight would want the original back, as she had for the Permission Letter, but a copy was getting framed for her private study wall as a moment of happiness she would be able to treasure for the next thousand years.

The Princess of the Sun began to whistle as she trotted, thinking of Foal’s Shower presents...

The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian

by Georg

Ch. 1 - The Return

Ch. 2 - A Slight Misunderstanding

Ch. 3 - A Brand New Start

Ch. 4 - Apology Accepted, Captain

Ch. 5 - Study Party

Ch. 6 - I Couldn't Sleep At All Last Night

Ch. 7 - Wake-Up Call

Ch. 8 - And They Went Forth To Be Enrolled

Ch. 9 - Starting School with a Bang

Ch. 10 - Unqualified Instructor

Ch. 11 - Kissing on the First Non-Date

Ch. 12 - The Parents, The Fiancée, and the Fountain

Ch. 13 - He Said, She Said

Ch. 14 - Basic Mothering Instinct

Ch. 15 - The Running of the Heaves

Ch. 16 - The Mourning After

Ch. 17 - Dust

Ch. 18 - Moving On

Ch. 19 - Failed Experimentation

Ch. 20 - The Twilights of House Twinkle

Ch. 21 - Mother Knows Best

Ch. 22 - Saying Goodbye with a Kiss

Ch. 23 - Second Chances

Ch. 24 - Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Ch. 25 - A Moment in Time

Ch. 26 - Moments turn into Weeks

Ch. 27 - Weeks Turn Into Months

Ch. 28 - Hie Thee Away to Canterlot

Ch. 29 - The Reluctant Prince

Ch. 30 - Dear Princess Celestia

Ch. 31 - Royal Concert for the Consort

Ch. 32 - Though Miles Separate Us

Ch. 33 - Hearth's Warming

Ch. 34 - Wedding Bells

Ch. 35 - Saying Goodnight

Ch. 36 - Saying Goodbye

Ch. 37 - Epilogue