Ch. 34 - Wedding Bells
The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Wedding Bells
Image credit : Tamalesyatole
Of all the centuries-old traditions in the Canterlot castle, Princess Celestia regarded Hearth’s Warming evening as one of her favorites. After attending the traditional pageant with her guests, Princess Celestia would make polite excuses to the various diplomats and royals in attendance before retiring to her private quarters, not to emerge for any reason short of invasion⁽*⁾ until the next morning. The normal night staff of the castle would then all be able to go to their own homes and families, except for a few guards selected by lot who remained at their posts.
(*) There were the occasional sneaky trips to the kitchen storeroom in the event of a Royal cake or biscuit shortage, but they were kept confidential by the staff, who simply adjusted the inventory records the next day.
—
With the return of Princess Luna, the Night staff had been all prepared to break tradition and remain at their places until the Princess of the Night had informed them all quite firmly that any pony found wandering the halls or behind a desk during Hearth’s Warming night would be physically dragged back to their homes, at which point each of their family members would be given a feather and a Royal Command to tickle the obstinate work-obsessed pony until they were helpless. She even volunteered to donate the feathers.
Normally Princess Cadence also returned back to her home in Cavillia to spend time with relatives over the holiday season, but for this year, she too announced her intention to spend the entire evening with her favorite aunts, particularly since Princess Celestia was still having such issues with the ‘blasted wedding rumor’ over the past few days. Celestia had been so stressed that everypony in the castle noticed how the holiday season just was not soaking in the way it should, and the general consensus was a good concentration of her family would be just the thing to put her back on top of her game.
There was an opportunity here that two young conspirators could not pass by. Distracted by the negative publicity crisis, Princess Celestia would be alone in her private study, the perfect time to slip armaments into the castle and stash them for a midnight coup attempt. With the assistance of a suborned member of the Royal Guard, they gathered their tools of warfare, and crept into the Royal Tower, up the wide stairs and concealed themselves on either side of the door. This was the pivotal point of the plan. Celestia would be unaware of their attack until it was too late, most probably reclining on her couch in front of the fireplace with a book and a tremendously large box of chocolates. Once they had gathered their ammunition, they reached for the doorknob, ready to begin the assault.
Although Princess Celestia had never faced an attack quite like this one, she was by no means a spring chicken. You had to get up early in the morning to get ahead of the Princess of the Sun⁽¹⁾, and despite being distracted by an endless series of mindless reporters, she had seen the signs, and prepared her own counterattack of royal proportions. When Luna and Cadence burst through the door to her study with pillows held high and whooping like little foals, they found an overturned couch backed against the wall, with an astonishingly large collection of pillows surrounding a very prepared Princess.
(1) A figurative expression only. On more than one chilly morning, the sun had been raised by nothing more than an extremely tired princess poking her horn out from under the covers before returning back underneath for an extra hour or two.
—
Captain Shining Armor pulled the door closed after the last of Cadence and Luna’s pillows had entered the private study, and tried to ignore the stentorian crashes and thumps that shook the thick stone walls. Despite his oath to defend the Crown against all danger, they were all three alicorn princesses, and were perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. As the bass rumbling of the assault continued, a few snow-white feathers drifted out from under the door and Shining Armor could not help but smile despite his Royal Guard training. Some things were just not covered in the manual.
* * *
A giant blizzard of feathers floated in drifts and waves throughout the Royal Study, covering the three princesses in a storm-tossed sea of white. The floating remnants from pillows which had exceeded their structural limits and exploded were being well used by Celestia, her white coat providing excellent cover to pop up in unexpected places and pelt the young upstarts mercilessly. There was only one outcome that was possible, and eventually the two young rebels collapsed onto the middle of the floor, begging for a Royal Pardon. Celestia flopped down on top of them and wrapped them both in her broad wings, triggering a matching response in both of them until it seemed the whole world consisted of warm, multicolored feathers in a sea of sisterly giggles.
“Thank you, Luna. And you too, Cadence. This was exactly what I needed.”
Cadence snuggled up to the left side of Celestia, having ceded the Country of Right Celestia to the Princess of the Night. “It was no problem, Aunt Celly. It was Luna’s idea.”
“‘Twas most certainly not! Thy young and rebellious mind did conceive of this outrageous rebellion entirely without my assistance, and did drag my old, feeble-minded self into your arcane machinations.” Luna blew a soft, white feather off her nose, ignoring the hundreds more mixed within her mane.
“Luna!” Cadence swept a wing full of loose feathers up and dumped them unceremoniously on top of the Lunar Princess. “You had the plan all laid out on paper before I even asked.” A second and third wave of feathers rapidly followed, applied by both of the other alicorns.
“I was simply prepared,” she replied, invisible under her downy coat of loose feathers. “From such small annoyances do larger problems grow, until they become far too large and painful.”
“Like one’s little sister getting all sad and remorseful on a night we’re supposed to be enjoying as family?” One white wing descended into the sea of feathers concealing Luna, zeroing in on well-known tickling spots until a suitable amount of cheer had been restored.
“Mercy, my sister! Santa Hooves⁽²⁾ hath brought you a present!”
(2) Princess Luna had become quite interested in the ‘Santa Hooves’ legend, and had prepared a lengthy list of her missed presents with a calculated amount of accumulated compounded interest for presentation to the kindly reindeer upon his expected arrival this evening.
—
“A present?” The tickling effort redoubled while Princess Celestia looked around. “Where?”
Cadence grinned and contributed to the ticklefest against Luna. “Shining Armor came up with the idea. Some ponies burn symbolic images of the bad things that happened to them during the year in the Hearth’s Warming fire, so a new year can start fresh without old baggage. He brought an issue of every newspaper that came out since the reception, and thought you could throw them into the fire, one at a time.”
Princess Celestia paused. “Editors might make better— No, they’d stink up the place worse than feathers.” She eyed the cold, feather-choked fireplace with remorse. “No, I don’t think we want to light a fire in there tonight. It’s too bad; I really looked forward to throwing in the Fillydelphia paper with the headline ‘Cakeflank or Babybump.’”
Luna rolled over on her back, still giggling despite being tickle free for over a minute. “How about the one that said ‘Princesses Plan Double Wedding’? We wonder who they considered for my mate.”
“I thought they slandered Green Grass terribly in the headline ‘Him? Really?’” Princess Cadence waved one wing, bringing a wave of feathers into the air like a cloud. “‘Royal Lover Tells All’ was a particularly poor one, and had a horribly uninformative article with many technical errors about erogenous zones.”
“How about the headline that suggested thou wert starting a herd as in days of old, and listed six of the most eligible bachelor stallions in Canterlot as possibilities? With the most delicious of photographs.” Luna licked her lips and spit out a feather.
“There’s a reason those six are still bachelors, Luna.” Celestia reached one wing for her sister, who danced out of range. “This is so nice, having you both here. These last weeks have been such a mess, and yes Luna, I know I brought it all on myself.”
“We never said a word.”
“Well, Aunt Celly, I’m glad you’re feeling better. I hadn’t seen you this worked up since Twilight stole all the toilet paper out of your bathroom for a science experiment⁽³⁾.”
(3) Proving quite conclusively that no matter how much toilet paper you twist together, you cannot make a rope able to hold your weight as you slide out the window for a midnight trip to the library⁽⁴⁾. Although you can still make a cushion large enough to break your fall without breaking anything else when it inevitably fails.
(4) Subsequently disproved by empirical data to Twilight’s eternal shame, resulting in much greater testing of her hypotheses in subsequent papers.
—
Celestia snorted twice, once from the exasperating memory, and once to get rid of the feather up her nose that the first snort caused. “I only wish tomorrow I didn’t have to start this all over again. All of the press has just gone totally nuts about the concept of a royal wedding. I’m not getting married, and that’s final.”
“I don’t know, Aunt Celestia,” said the Princess of Love, gently brushing aside the soft mane from her forehead to reveal her horn, surrounded with a thin golden band crowned with a perfect diamond. “I think a wedding is just what Shining Armor and I need.”
* * *
The high-pitched squeals of joy that burst into the corridor were only partially muffled by the thick walls and door, and all the Royal Guard training in the world could not keep Shining Armor from grinning like a fool.
“Congratulations, sir.” His second at the guard position gave the captain a sharp salute while trying to remain at least superficially reserved. Despite his best efforts, he was grinning almost as much as Shining Armor while he took a glance at the filled ice bucket by the captain’s side. “Guess this explains the champagne. You going in there now?”
“No. I think it’s safer if I just stand out here for a while and let them calm down.”
* * *
By the time Cadence could see through the whirling cloud of feathers kicked up by her dancing aunts, she had a grin that could have matched or surpassed her future husband’s. Celestia finally skidded to a halt at her side even though her sister was still leaping happily around the room like a little filly. “Cadence, we must drink a toast in honor of your wedding.”
She grinned back at her aunt. “Shining Armor is right outside with two bottles. Shall I call for him?”
“In a minute, dear.” Princess Celestia took a deep breath and tried to ignore her happy sister for a moment. “He knows what he is getting into, correct?”
The smile on Cadence’s face grew solemn, but did not vanish, merely becoming deeper as if it encompassed her entire being. “He will always be my Shining Armor, even if I outlive him by thousands of years. The moments we spend together will never leave my heart, and our love will never die, as long as there is breath within me.” Princess Luna stopped bouncing around in the background and wiped back a tear while Celestia just shook her head with a gentle smile.
“No, dear. I didn’t mean that. I mean does he realize what it will be like to have Luna and myself as his relatives?” Celestia’s smile grew as she dug a mostly intact pillow out of the drifts of feathers.
“Oh, Aunt Celestia. You wouldn’t.”
Luna floated two of her own pillows up and hid them behind her back. “Care to make a wager?”
Cadence’s look of muffled outrage transformed slowly into a grin as she scooped up a pillow of her own, and arranged herself next to her aunts. “Oh, Shining Armor,” she caroled in a sing-song voice. “Could you step in here for a moment? We have something for you.”
(Source JunkYardGypsy at Deviantart )
(Source Elenafreckle at Deviantart )
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2046870 Yeeeah, I'm pretty sure that particular unicorn is going into a dark hole.
you evil, evil, person, giving the chapter that title, knowing full well what conclusion your too loyal fans would jump to.
I demand a Mythbuster's episode to check out that TP Experiment.
Was the Burning bad memories inspired by 'the burning man' festival? Read a blog on that a little while ago, sounds amazing, and hot as heck out there in the desert.
2049204
I second the accusations of evil. Also, it's good to know that I'm not the only one who gets trolled by these chapter titles.
Also, "Santa Hooves" makes me imagine the Doctor in full Kringle regalia. Which, considering what his Christmases are like, adds a whole new layer to the idea...
THIS STORY IS FINALLY FEATURED!
HUZZAH! (So on so forth)
Author confirmed for chapter title troll.
Fillydelphia is lucky to still be standing.
I really do like the Cadence & Shining Armor pairing.
Was worrying about this great story never being featured, but glad to see it finally get front page notice.
Oh, and your footnotes are misnumbered (you accidentally went from 1 to 3).
2049165 Taking exceeding joy in writing his 'bit' for the next chapter.
2049744 Yeah, they should get married in the show. That would be a great episode :) Good thing Celestia is a firm believer in the freedom of the press. She has never thrown a printing press in jail without charges. Yet.
2050114 Front page, bottom of the three "updates" for about 20 minutes. *sniff* I'm so proud
Also fixed numbering. Don't know what went wrong, I've been humming "Raise This Barn" all day.
2049204 What? Would I *ever* troll my readers with a deceptive title or chunk of dialogue...
2050320 They should!
Having three alicorns as in-laws...? Well, it must be a... unique experience.
I wonder if Green Grass knows what he is letting himself in for?
2049204
Actually, if I remember correctly, there was an episode where they did toilet paper rolled and braided to make rope.
It actually held, it's just that the grip wasn't that sound.
Yes, single-ply.
Moment...
Great chapter filled with funny stuff. Shining will never know how to live a normal life.
4557502
That implies that he had a normal life before, which I think we call all agree that living with Twilight would have prevented that
Oh really? I have somepony I want you to meet.
9472984 You do realize that Twilight and GG's first physical contact was a nose to nose bump (although not as gentle as your story), right?
Oh the news outlets will be in uproar. "Princess' master hoodwink!" "The great bait-n-switch!"
The last image link is broken - looks like the artist's account has been deactivated. Loving the story!