Chapter ten: The Bringing Together of Enemies
John stood in awkward silence as all of the present ponies; and the Draconequus, carefully considered their next move. All in all their plans fell short when compared to Dimentio's intellect.
"Look, if you want to know what he's most likely to do... Look at what he could do to succeed instead of what you can easily counter." John broke out and was met with skeptical stares.
"What do you mean by 'what he could do to succeed'? Do you honestly think that we are incapable of doing that?" Princess Celestia asked in a frustrated tone.
"No, of course not!" John said throwing his hands up in defence.
"It's just that Dimentio is far from the predictable type, he can find even the slightest flaw, the smallest crack in a wall, the slightest falter in one's willpower." John said growing increasingly grim. "But..."
"But what? You make him sound almost infallible, how can we possibly outsmart this guy?" Twilight interrupted.
"He's arrogant. He believes that everyone is so far below him... But even as he said, he implanted part of himself in me." John explained. Everyone's eyes widened as they remembered Dimentio's revelation at the party.
"Wait, is he eavesdropping right now!?" Twilight asked as her eyes became pinpricks. Everyone else in the room (barring Discord) had similar expressions.
"No, at least I don't think so. Whatever he's doing right now seems to be distracting him." John said. He began to wonder how his mind was working at this speed.
"In any case, we should probably deal with this." Discord said as he suddenly got uncomfortably close to John. A moment later he tapped the human's forehead.
"What the... hell are... you do-" John said as he suddenly began to feel sick.
The next few moments felt like a blur to John. The world seemed to sway to and fro as his vision became black and he felt the sweet embrace of the floor.
Meanwhile, in the depths of the Everfree
Dimentio fed on much of the excess power generated by the Alicorn Amulet. After another hour he pulled himself out of Trixie's mind and manifested himself physically. Trixie felt fairly drained after the ordeal but was quickly remedied as the Amulet continued to spout power
"At last, I am complete again!" Dimentio announced. He floated around and laughed. It almost seemed as if he was a perfectly happy being. Until he began blowing up squirrels that were unlucky enough to have gathered nearby.
"That's nice, does this mean we can go back to Ponyville and show those imbeciles who is truly the greatest?" Trixie asked with anticipation.
"No... But I have an idea. Conquering Ponyville would not be enough. Do you perhaps know of any enemies to the ponies that we could use against them?" Dimentio asked.
As the pair looked around, they noticed that they had arrived in a clearing. The area seemed so... Different from the rest of the forest, the sun shined through the branches of trees and cast many eerie shadows that Dimentio used to amuse himself. In every direction there were large bushes, it was almost as if this area was used for ambushing weary travelers. Dimentio also realized that Monti had disappeared again. Eyes seemed to peer from every bush Trixie began to seem nervous while Dimentio returned the stares.
"Did you say something about conquering Ponyville?" a new voice purred. Eyes popped up in every bush and tree surrounding Trixie and Dimentio.
"Why yes, yes I did." Dimentio said happily.
"And you're looking for enemies of the ponies, correct?" The voice said again as an insect like mare emerged from the shadows.
"Changelings..."Trixie muttered.
"Yes, are you by chance the enemies I am looking for?" Dimentio said, his smile seemed to creep the changeling out slightly.
"Of course, but we would require something in return." The Changeling queen said with an evil grin.
"I'm sure we can work something out." Dimentio said.
"How about... When we take over, you allow us to feed upon the population." The queen proposed.
"Why, of course. I could care less about these ponies." Dimentio said with a shrug.
"It's a deal then... I am Chrysalis, queen of the Changelings."
"That's nice, I am the charming magician... Dimentio." He said mysteriously.
"And I am the Great and Powerful Trixie!" Trixie announced.
"Tone it down Trixie." Dimentio with a surprisingly unamused tone as he looked sternly at his companion. His stern look was quickly replaced with a devious smile as even the new Trixie seemed to falter under his gaze. Chrysalis looked at the jester seriously.
"Do you honestly believe you can win?" She said as she attempted to look unimpressed by the obviously insane clown's power. His form was so devoid of anything that could be considered 'love' that she kept her distance.
"Why of course, I simply need to have all of my pieces first...I can't play chess with only a king and queen." Dimentio said with a smile.
"Alright, before I join your cause, my children require something to feed on. Have you ever heard of the 'Crystal Heart'?" Chrysalis asked curiously.
"Why no, feel free to enlighten' me." Dimentio said, his curiosity piqued at the mention of a heart like artifact.
"It is an item that can provide an incredible amount of love and other such positive feelings... We Changelings feed off of such emotions, this would allow my children to defeat any army the princesses can muster." Chrysalis said excitedly.
"Love?" Dimentio said as he spat at the ground. "Such things disgust me." he finished.
"Do not worry, we see it as a food source and nothing more." Chrysalis said.
Dimentio put one of his hands to his head as he felt a strange pulse. It felt as if a small part of him had just been extinguished.
"It looks like that human's game just ended..." Dimentio said as he hung his head and sighed pitifully. "I wanted to cause that."
Proofread by-Nightingalehound
Revisised by-Setheroth.
Meanwhile, in the depths of the Everfree
hr
just when I was about to congratulate you on finally choosing a format and sticking with it you forget a hr
aside from that, suddenly changelings, no built up, no foreshadowing just poof Crystalis,
Also just FYI the Alicorn Amulet corruption is gradual, it is not a switch, you don't just become evil when you put it on, you become evil after using it.
you can leave it like that, or with a simple correction, moving trixies lines after D reformed, under the pretext that Trixie used the amulet when D was gathering his strength.
This review was brought to you on behalf of me. Oh, and that group thing...um....Oh yeah! Authors helping authors. But mainly me.
Name of story: Master of dimensions, Pleaser of crowds.
Grammar out of 10: 10. Well done on that part, If there were any issues they were ignored.
Pros: Bringing Dimentio to Equestria is a fantastic idea
The personalities are written consistently and well.
Good grammar!
Cons (oh boy): Your OC is boring and generic
Dimentio's motives in relation to his methods don't make sense
You write Dimentio as some sort of sadist
The very premise of how they even got to Equestria is flawed
There is little to no chemistry between any of the characters what so ever.
Explanation: I came for Dimentio. and what did I get?
A self insert where Dimentio is reduced to a simple sadistic villain.
John is, to be frank, a TERRIBLE character. After nearly 10 chapters we know next to nothing about his personality. He's presented as some sort of strong minded individual, and a good likable character without any flaws what so ever. He might have no way back to his home world and therefore his family or friends, but WHO CARES? HE'S IN EQUESTRIA, EVERYTHING'S A-OKAY. In other words, he's a Mary Sue.
Now, to be fair, the personalities you give the ponies are on par to what they were from the source material, Twilight acts like Twilight and so on. But none of your characters really re-act to one another. Rainbow dash's reaction to John is done well, but that's it. There's no interesting new characters or twist on old characters, they're just there for the most part.
But now let's get on to the kicker, the one that really makes my blood boil. Your writing of Dimentio.
At the start of the story, Dimentio spend a few weeks regaining his energy. He then tries to invade the mind of a human but ultimately fails. Bullshit.
Remember this:
So... what was stopping him form ambushing John and giving him one of these seed before he could react? Plot convenience, that's what.
But from there it only gets worse. You present him as a sadist, making him attack Twilight just for a laugh when really, In a brand new world, he'd probably sit back and be more of an observer, hatching a plan, Gaining trust before betraying the ponies to try and destroy everything.
That or he'd realize that, hey, this IS the perfect world that so desperately desired. What would he feel then? What would he do?
A certain line you put in this chapter just made me quit.
"Love?" Dimentio said as he spat at the ground. "Such things disgust me." Yes, he was talking to a changeling, but you've written it so that we don't really think he's lying. If Dimentio hates love, Then what would his perfect world be? Heck, what even made him want to destroy all worlds? Can't we have any character insight? PLEASE?
While there is plenty of room for improvement, as it is the story isn't good enough to keep my attention for long. I'd give it a 2/10
Enjoy your review, and please review my story Pony Tails.