Daisy and Rose are lost, confused and scared.
Daisy cares for the younger Rose, and carries the backpack that was near them when they woke up.
They walk along a woodland path in an attempt to find life.
and so our story begins....
Chapters (6)
Jonah Fun
Joined 29th Jun, 2013 ·
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Uh... This fanfic is pretty bad.
First things first, always write out your numbers. Using the numerals looks cheap and unprofessional.
2881389
Agreed, It's like a Wall-of-Text
2881412
This.
Never use numerals in a story unless absolutely needed, just write out the word.
It only takes a bit longer.
...you bastard. I did not see that coming.
2881556
Yeah, i get that a lot.
The bastard part, that is.
I get the Of Mice and Men reference.
Still didn't like it much, though.
Also, a dark tag manslaughter, technical murder and suicide? might fit well.
Fair play.
You might be right about the dark tag.
Pain of flesh beings is amusing to me.
I'm here because of Authors Helping Authors and also you reviewed my story so I did the same back.
Name of Story: Pony Tails
Grammar score out of 10: 5 (sorry, you missed punctuation and it's a great wall of text...)
Pros:
It was a good idea
I liked the OMAM reference
You got the right you're and yours (You're brill for that!XD)
Cons:
Wall of text! Really hard to read! Create a new line for each paragraph also when there is a new speaker do the same.
You didn't go into enough detail with Apple Bloom's death, or AJ finding Apple Bloom. You should have built up to it more.
I would have liked to have thought that the Ponies would have accepted the humans more and not called them "Things..."
Notes Section:
For Apple Bloom's death it didn't really seem as sad as it should have. In OMAM, Steinbeck used Animal Imagery and Biblical References to present Curley's wife's death and also Lennie's, however, you did end it where it all began which is what happened in OMAM... If you did base this on Steinbeck's work, maybe look at his techniques for inspiration... You should have also built up Apple Bloom's character when she was trying to befriend Rose. (Sorry, I had to study this novel A LOT in the past two years...)
I, myself, don't really like Dark Fics to be quite honest so I'm sorry if I haven't given you the best review. You did have good ideas but it moved quite quickly and you left the question of who the humans were and how they ended up there unanswered. (Also, the first part of the last chapter had no capatalised "I's" and you missed out a few full-stops (If you're American I mean "Periods")
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my other stories, considering you've already looked at Trapped
2929051
Don't be scared of walls, they're static and are extremely unlikely to topple on you and kill you.
But seriously, thanks for the feedback (and the like)
You have a point about the lack of build up, I'll be sure to try and practice it in other stories of mine.
I'm British too, Full stops are lovely
About the acceptance of humans: I think I gave both sides of the arguement. You have Twilight, who is trying to accept and get used to the aliens, and Applejack who, while realizing they haven't done any harm, (before chapter 5) still doesn't trust them due to not knowing much about them.
I agree with you, the scene where AJ finds her sister did not come out as it should've at all, at least the sad elements of it.
I think it's less of a reference more of a homage to OMAM, Though this is way inferior. (right there with you on the studying front; thank god for the holidays!)
I'll read through it again and make Grammar checks. Thanks again for the feedback!
I won't read Free to Fly until it's finished, though. I only read complete fics, personal preference. I look forward to it very much!
2929126 I finished my GSCE's last month and had the exam on OMAM, It's still all in my head at the moment...
Sorry! 
I'm not too sure when Free To Fly is going to finish to be honest, but I do have that oneshot as well!
I agree with you about the waiting til a fic is finished because it's a shame when the author stops writing it, but if the fic is still being frequently updated I read it!
Maybe you can do a rewrite of this fiction and go into more detail? That may possibly work better on your behalf?
2929180
One day, maybe.
For now i want to work on other, more light-hearted stuff.
Ever read The Cardturner? Same guy who wrote Holes wrote that. I want to do a story about Twilight and chess, and somehow make the reader interested in the game while still telling an interesting story. Plus I got a lot of other ideas too, Eventually once I become a better author I'll revisit this.
You're comment about my usage of your and you're is very much appreciated.
2929387 Ah, Holes! I remember my year 6 teacher reading that to us!
It was great! We read SO much in year 6!
Indeed, well whenever you have the chance you should! What year are you in now, by time you've done your GCSE's and everything you're definitely going to be a better author!
(I'm a grammar Nazi XD It was nice to see you got that right!)
2929409
Year 10 continues this summer.
However, we have already done an essay about how sympathy or dislike was created for Curley's wife, and a creative assessment that was a monolouge of one a character, existing or not, and I did one for Curley's wife that my teacher says is going to get top marks.
An example of writing Fan-Fics being a useful skill in life?
2929447 Wait, so you're going into year 10? Or into year 11? If you're doing the latter, you were the lucky year, the last to take exams early XD
Ah, We did a controlled assessment about Curley's Wife and her relationships with the other ranch members... Didn't do amazingly in that because I'm better at Lit XD
For my Lit CA we did Porphyria's Lover, The Laboratory and MacBeths presentation of Relationships and Romance (I think) I got an A* in that one XD My only A* in English XD
Ohh! For my creative monologue, it was based on the "If you prick us do we not bleed" from king lear I think, and I wrote about a feotus about to be aborted, kinda sad but I was in year 9 and was SO proud of it XD
And indeed! Fanfic has helped me with English I suppose, especially with essay writing
2929477
Alas, I am the former. Basically my school puts us up a year late in the second term of summer, so it's not completely alien when you get back.
Seriously though, read the Cardturner. The book'll make you want to play bridge like a PRO.
2929500 Ah, unlucky! I took my RS a year early, and my core science so I had less exams than you well... I'm also one of the last ones to take A Levels...
Government are Scraping A-levels?
Idiots. They're never satisfied. 
I'm here because of Authors Helping Authors and I promised to get to it eventually!(sorry for the delay)
Name of Story: Pony Tails
Grammar score out of 10:7 (occasional error, but it was definitely better than a lot of stories I see on this site. Regardless, you really need to type out the numbers instead of just using '2'.)
Pros:
I didn't expect the Of Mice and Men turn of events towards the last few chapters
grammar was fair, you definitely put some effort in.
Beginning and end were good.
Cons:
)
It was kind of a wall of text (I know you've heard that a lot
There wasn't much build-up, neither Rose nor Daisy got much development throughout the story. (Didn't really have time to in seven chapters)
It was a bit shorter than I'd have liked.
Middle of the story was kind of lacking.
Notes Section:
Frankly? I liked the story, but it could have been better (granted most stories can say that)
Main areas that need improvement would have to be the way characters react to one-another and the pacing of the story.
There's the review, hope you like it! (and sorry again for the delay...and the relatively short review. My schedule is still less than favorable.)
3246504
Hey, You got it out in the end. Thanks for the view. and the review
3247162 now I just have to rewrite my own story...which your review has already helped with.(only thirteen chapters to go!)