• Member Since 29th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 15th, 2013

Jonah Fun


T

The Alicorn Princess Twilight Sparkle was a fine specimen of pony, remembered not for the many spells she drafted, nor her countless acts of heroism, but instead for the documents of friendship that she and her 5 friends (who you can read about elsewhere) communally wrote as letters to the ruler of the land and Twilight's personal teacher, Princess Celestia. These letters are heart-felt and meaningful lessons about friendship and teachings about the compromises and responsibilities we all have to face, many of which are still taught in our schools to this very day!
However, any old history book could tell you about these 6 ponies' lives. But this story... this story is usually best not told. For it does not contain the morals that the previously stated letters had. It is a story of a princess-to-be, a girl breaking free from her last life, a slave galloping away to safety, a pegasus who meets his dream mare, and an uprising they all become part of. Now, should you not wish hear of this tale then feel free to have nothing to do with it. Of course, you probably won't heed my warnings and head straight into chapter 1, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Chapters (14)
Comments ( 6 )

I'll read when I get a chance tomorrow.

Imma give you a uber-mini review on the story description alone. As I feel as though it will help you :pinkiesmile:.

1. Line 1: 'of pony , Remembered... You either want that comma to be a fullstop or the 'Remembered' to be lowercase. I recommend the former.

2. Line 2 (just): 'nor'... Nor is an odd word as it always needs to be with its buddy: Neither. Neither can exist without nor, 'cos he's a little bit of a loner like that. But Nor needs Neither like Pinkie needs Parties. Here's a nice little link to help you out: Link-y Winky

3. Line 4: 'heart-felt' Heartfelt is all one word: Link

4.Line 4: '...friendship, and teachings about...' The comma and coordinating conjunction (and) seem to indicate that there is a necessary break or change of topic. As there isn't (or at least I didn't notice) there is no need for the comma. Link to help with commas and clauses if it helps in the future

5. Line 8: 'safety, A Pegasus' Same error as the one in line 1.

That's all I noticed in the uber-mini review of the description. The reason I reviewed your description is quite simple: the description is the face of your story. No matter how great your story is, if you cant convince us to read it, we wont. And an error is the first way to show someone your story isn't good. Don't give them that error, and they'll have no reason to turn away.

Good luck with further writing. :pinkiehappy:
P.S- Have a 'like'

2910891
Sorry, I seemed to have taken your advice but failed to thank you.
Well, it maybe a little belated, but thank you for the help, and enjoy the rest of the story.

Hay sorry it took so long I have been busy with other stories. MY view of the story is Great I think it will bring quite a few followers if you know how which I will help in any way I can.:twilightsmile:

3053956
No worries.
I'm glad you like it.
=D

ouch...
Nice imagery, you got me to feel for somepony, and feel for her death while hating the guilty one with every fiber of my body.
In three paragraphs.
...
static.tumblr.com/qzlpe6e/s1Sm9i9b1/joker_clap.gif

Login or register to comment