- Member Since 8th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen March 7th
Y1
A writer of primarily dark fics, who lives in Australia and hopes to become a published author. Current main project is Conviction, one of the sweetest little stories ever written.
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2419035
Now that it's published I'll be reducing that amount. I just wanted the early chapters to be as polished as possible.
2419094
Yep. Every reader counts, even if it's just for one or two more readers than I'll shamelessly plug for it. Just don't forget to mention how handsome and charismatic I am.
y1, I am not amused.
But anyway, welcome to Conviction, whoever's reading this. A little while back, I decided that it'd be fun to post an excerpt from editor my notes/comments with each chapter (either insight and analysis, or snark), so I'll be doing that here. First up, this.
Interesting, very interesting...
2420023
You're not amused, but I am!
2420023
Well I'm amused.
And if you're going to do that every chapter, consider including the section that you highlighted and commented on.
2420238
Thank you very much.
2421352
I know, right? It's like he has no sense of humor.
Here via jub. Historical batpony action? Will be looking forward to seeing where this goes.
2426355
It takes it a little while to pick up the pace, but I promise things will get pretty darn intense soon enough.
Here via Jub as well. He doesn't give himself enough credit.
Interesting premise. Normally I'm not a fan of the child's perspective, as it necessarily presents the reader with a simplistic narrative. You've managed to counter that somewhat by showing the reticence of the parents and their outright fear of the Ascension ceremony, compared with Goldie's obvious enthusiasm. I think you could've been a bit more subtle on that front -- it felt like you were hammering me with the ominous, "this ceremony is no good but Goldie's too young to realize it" vibe.
Still, this seems like an intelligently written historical fiction. Goodness knows we get enough bad takes on the original fight between Luna and Celestia; it'd be refreshing to see a good one.
I'll be happy to watch where this goes.
Welcome to the jungle, Song. I hope you're ready for it.
And of course, Stygus, how can I forget him, the subject of this chapter's little excerpt.
2427340
I'm not usually a fan of a child's perspective either, and this story isn't really an exception. Don't worry, she'll have grown grow up by the time you get to chapter 4, and then things will get interesting. The main reason I included the childhood segments and perspectives is that it's important the reader understands her character and upbringing, otherwise she just comes across as bitchy and inconsistent later.
My initial draft of this story just had it starting with the main character as an adult on the night of Nightmare Moon's banishment and occasionally flashing back to her childhood when it was relevant, but that was contrived and ham handed, and even I didn't like the character I was writing. So I started again, this time pacing myself and including her childhood and tweaking her personality a bit.
Just bare with it for now. Trust me, it's all necessary.
And I really owe Jub for giving me that shout out.
2427640
Yeah, I actually tweaked some Stygus's dialogue a bit to make it less over the top in emphasizing the terrible innuendos.
2427643
I don't know about that, the childhood scenes came about out of necessity, not any real desire to pioneer it on my part. Still, it works well enough and really helps inform the reader on her character later on.
Bold?
Great first chapter! For a moment there, I was thinking the foals were chosen for sacrificial purposes.
But maybe they have been, in a different sort of manner...
Onward to next chapter.
2429265
Glad you liked it.
Another great chapter. I personally feel you are doing fine with Song. I was a little surprised at the transition in her nature, but given the circumstances, I see it as plausible. I'm not sure if you see pony ages as equivalent to human ages (i.e. a four-year-old foal is akin to a four-year-old child) but I do and write them as such. In my view, this kind of brattiness is definitely plausible and evident in children that age*, especially when it is encouraged like it is here.
I am really enjoying Chase's character. I have a feeling I know what her "reward" from Luna was as well.
So yeah, I'm glad I followed you and faved this.
Keep it up!
*I really don't like children...at all...a few years of babysitting little cousins smashed whatever biological clock I possessed.
2429342
Kids. Suck.
I'm glad you agree. If I ever have kids there's no way in hell I'm making the same mistakes I used to see a lot of parents make. Not the mistake of having them in the first place, but the mistake of not noticing that their 'little angel' is closer to being Satan's spawn and failing to do something about it.
Glad you like Chase. I needed a mentor figure for the main character who could pressure them to be a worse more cruel person, but at the same time be likable and understanding, as well as seeming softer and more approachable than the rest of this sociopathic organisation. She needed to undeniably be a nightkin, ie, a cold hearted murderer, but at the same time seem like an oddly nice person that the main character could open up to and connect with. Honestly, Song really lucked out when she got Chase as a mentor.
And yes. Chase's 'reward' from Nightmare will no doubt be some nice chocolates and a gift basket.
Glad you're enjoying this. Hope you enjoy future chapters as well.
Good stuff.
Interesting title drop. I have a feeling we'll see a lot more of this colt.
This has got to be my favorite single moment of the chapter. It speaks volumes. Stygus felt free to backtalk because he was the strongest of the Nightkin. The duel itself was a foregone conclusion, a simple reminder that she was stronger. This moment was the actual test: why did he yield? Did he understand why she singled him out for punishment? If he had said "yes, I yield," or if he had said "no, my legs can still move," then it would have been his decision, right or wrong; instead, he passed the buck again, and was wrong for the exact same reason he was wrong to blame Luna for the recruits' quality.
Song is a jerk. This isn't a criticism; she's characterized well, and it's something of an accomplishment that what appears to be the recruits' worst bully has her sympathetic moments. I find myself hoping that Chase(d) does smooth out her rough edges, though. I'll give the Night Guard this: it doesn't look like Luna suffers petty tyrants in her officer corps. I'm getting a Black Company sort of vibe here — that the Nightkin aren't the good guys but that doesn't make them bad.
Just curious, how old are the "big brother" nightkin like Chase(d)? Weren't you saying that the training only goes up to age 18? I'm wondering just how creeped out I should be by Luna's, er … nice chocolates and gift baskets.
One editing nitpick: You bounce back and forth between "Your Grace" and "My Grace" when the nightkin are referring to Luna. At first I thought it was Stygus using "my" as an unsubtle commentary on his, ehrm, favoring, but both he and the others use both terms in a way that suggests a writing error.
2431191
Stygus is an odd duck. You'll find out a bit more about him later on. I'm glad you enjoyed that scene.
Yes, Song is a jerk. I deliberately wrote her to be un-empathetic and constantly self justifying in a way that's kinda scary. Because she's growing up in a place where those traits are enforced and rewarded, you can see how and why she grows up to be who she becomes later on. I wanted Song to be a source of mixed feelings. On the one hand she's a bitch and someone needs to just give her a good paddling, and on the other she's as much of a victim as anyone else in this mess and just needs a hug.
The comparison to Black Company isn't exactly apt. Have you noticed that despite supposedly being a military unit they only recruit thirteen foals a year? It'd take them eight years just to get a hundred recruits, and a life time to train each and every one of them. Is that an effective way to run a military? Not really. So that raises the question, what is the true purpose of the nightkin? Nightmare's a freaking goddess, she doesn't need a royal guard. And if she did need protection from something, it's questionable that any mortal pony (or bat pony) could provide it. So again, why does Nightmare have the nightkin at all?
You should be very creeped out by Nightmare's nice chocolates and gift baskets.
Not spoiling things, but wait and see.
As for Chase's age, I imagine her to be in her early twenties.
Uh... Yeah.
That was a writing error. My bad.
theycallmejub sent me here, and by the gods I'm glad he did. This is really good, and I'll be anticipating the next chapter.
And Goldie is absolutely adorable :3
2432497
Almost like like all my readers are here from Jub. I'll have to return the favor to him somehow.
Glad you're enjoying this, just remember going in this is a dark fic for a reason. As adorable as that foal may be, bad things do happen to her, and she does bad things herself.
2432176
> Have you noticed that despite supposedly being a military unit they only recruit thirteen foals a year?
Yeah, I wasn't sure whether to comment on that or not; it seemed premature to say these were the only recruits simply because Luna had hung around them for a few days, although Blackrock as a whole seemed awfully small for the Lunar Empire's entire military arm. Hard to say what we weren't seeing (for all we know, there are other celebrations in other cities, or other lunar forces besides the Nightkin).
Definitely interesting that it's such a small operation, though.
(I stand by my Black Company comparison, though. A "company" in modern military terminology is approx. 80-250 men, and from what I remember of the books, the mercenaries really weren't much larger than that, even when the whole group was there rather than little side missions of their top soldiers.)
So Song is 4, and they stay with their nightkin until they turn at least 12. That's eight years.
Where are the past eight years worth of recruits?
2434124
Around, they just like to keep the new blood separate from the other years for the first month. Gives them time to adjust.
Gets shown next chapter.
Good chapter nonetheless. Can't wait to see her get back at that bastard someday...I sure hope she does...
2463315
Well I guess I have the dark tag for a reason, right?
Yeah, that scene was pretty...
2463362
Exactly. Plus the rating.
Still, it envoked some rage in me. Which means you're doing your job as a writer.
2463383
Thanks.
Personally, I love dark, mature stories. Oh sure, put a joke here and there to keep things from going too far down hill, but when a fic gives me that sense of horror and revulsion, but is still so utterly compelling that I can't look away, I eat it right up. I'm not quite aiming for that with this fic, but tell you what, I'm certainly not afraid to put my characters through the ringer.
2463532
...
"Keep things from going too far down hill"
You just lost some major respect point there mister. All or nothing I say! All or nothing!
2463315
I hope she grows to realize she doesn't need revenge.
2463585
That would be even better, you're right.
2463552
Like you'd know, you don't even read dark fics.
2463613 But I write them
2464248
True, but none of your stories have ever gone 'full commitment', 'there is no light at the end of the tunnel', and 'everyone is fucked and there's nothing anyone can do about that'. That's what you're suggesting, and that's a bad idea.
2464277
Maybe, maybe not. I've toyed with the concept occassionally, but I've yet found one that I like enough to write out in full. Basically, a story like that is designed to mess with the reader. Make them have hope, have the belief that everything will be fine before hitting them with the whamy to end all whamies. Sure, they'll walk away feeling hollow, but that's kinda the point of such an ending, isn't it?
Please tell me there will be an Art of War refrence
2464725
There will be references to various philosophical and religious texts over the course of the story. I can't see why I wouldn't include some of Tzun Tzu in the mix. In case the title wasn't a give away (Conviction) this is a story aimed at big ideas and themes of religion and faith.
I'm very much liking Song and Chase both. Yes, Song is a brat, and spoiled by loving but bit careless parents, and she takes to bullying like a fish to water... but she's still just a kid, with all the cruel innocence and vulnerability it entails. Nobody's a full and complete person when they are young children, and if she hadn't been picked to be one of the Nightkin, she would likely have grown up into a perfectly nice pony.
As for Chase... she's sympathetic, and even kind, in her way. But she's a part of the Nightkin, a willing and enthusiastic part it seems. I think ending up like her is Song's "good ending"... just as it would be Goldie's "bad ending". Still, this is early in the story so I may be totally off about things...
2465342
Yeah, that kinda sums it up perfectly actually. Song's just a kid. Who knows what she could have become? With healthy parents and a loving environment, she might have grown into a sweet and dedicated young mare with a bright future in Celestia's new kingdom. Instead, she becomes... well, not that. I don't want to spoil things, but it's something I plan on bringing up again about... I dunno, a billion chapters from now? It's gonna be yonks, that's for certain.
And yeah, that's Chase in a nut shell. She's the mold that Song tries to shape herself into. Chase is the best pony in a bad place, I think. Something that even Nightmare recognises and is attracted to.
What? A fic with a first-person perspective of a foal? Cool! Reading this reminds me a lot of Fallout Equestria: Pink Eyes, and that's part of what makes it worth sticking around for. I really find myself getting sucked into her perspective even as I try to remind myself that Luna is insane and that making children into soldiers is an entirely unacceptable course of action.
I like that Luna/NMM is shown as somewhat of an overgrown child, its good to see her mistakes shown less sympathetically than usual. I don't entirely agree with your views on the morality of children, as adults aren't that much better. Better trained, maybe.
More chapters Puppy Please?
Have you read Lord of the Flies? Children are basically the Devil, given the chance and encouragement.
You better watch out. At this rate, my expectations for this story are going to go through the roof
And I thought I was a good writer.
You sir, are absolutely fantastic. This is real literature right here.
I genuinely cannot wait for this thing to update. A Mustache for you!
Okay, hopefully sent a few more readers in this direction. This is a very nice story and it deserves some more love.
2467794
Thanks a lot, mate. And my name isn't that odd, even if it is something of a mouthful. Most people call me y1 in short hand.
2467185
Yes, I have read Lord of the Flies. My thoughts on children exactly.
I'll try not to disappoint, just remember it won't be too long until Song's all grown up.
2467724
I'm glad you've enjoyed this, though I don't know about 'real literature'.
Updates come every Monday Sydney-Melbourne time, or Sunday night if you live in the USA.
2467113
I'm personally not a big fan of Pink Eyes. It was fun and cute, but once you realise Puppy is completely invulnerable the tension drains away, and it just becomes a series of slapstick encounters as Puppy accidentally defeats one villain after another while batting her eyes lashes and saying 'oops'.
In this, the idea is that Song is extremely vulnerable. Sure, she might be a cute foal and all, but she's a bully and a brat, and she's in a place that's trying to turn her into a personal sex toy for a goddess, as well as a complete and utter sociopath.
Nightmare's interesting, in her behavior and primary motivator (which will eventually be revealed). She's going to have a more active role in Song's life eventually, but for the moment she's a sadistic carnal force just waiting to ravage Song the moment she ripens.
Chapter come every Monday Sydney-Melbourne time, but closer to Sunday evening if you live in the US.
Oh gawdess, I need moar.