Growing up in the ruins of Fillydelphia, the orphan Spike is abducted by a group of six of the most dangerous mercenaries, bounty hunters, assassins, and roundabout crazy people in Badworld. The six have little interest in working with eachother, but a blackmailing Celesticorp and rival Luna Industries can make the life of any Badworld survivor tenuous at best.
Spike is stuck relying on his would-be captors if he wants to avoid Luna Industrie's subversive grasp.
Fortunately, Gilda always has an ace up her sleeves, or in this case a horse in her dreams.
A ragtag bunch of 'friends' is more than many have in the Badworld, but it's not always enough.
Image graciously provided by Fembot13 on deviant art.
Pre read by a variety of people including:
-AlicornPriest
-OrphiusOlyandra
-Timefather64
-PiquoPie
If you like this story, I advise you to check out my other fic Penumbra.
Otherwise, I'm pretty sure this story is destined to get thumbed down on general principle. Humanized stories tend to get a bad reputation for a reason, but I think there are some worthwhile ones out there like Tales from Mystika: A My Little Mages Story by Yondy.
Anyway, I hope you folk enjoy.
1330038
I'm in the minority I guess when I say that I like well written humanized fics better than regular ones. And I like this, keep up the good work.
1335741
Thanks. I'd originally planned on this being pony, but then I got the idea for humans and felt it added to the story's plot so it became humanized.
*stares at screen with jaw dropped*
Oh. My. Flipping. Gosh. This is the best flipping thing I've ever read. And I personally like humanized stories. It gives me a chance to see the characters in a way i don't normally get to experience them in. I can just imagine all of the characters in their human forms. And horray for Gilda being a good guy (so far)! Please continue!
My opinion: Too many OC's. Your writing's not bad, and your idea seems like it might have some potential, but you introduce too many new characters and don't give enough information on them. One or two OC's are fine in the first chapter, but you should probably pay more attention to cannon characters. Also, why Philomena? That seems like an odd choice of character to humanize.
1336010
Damn. You see sir, you've just proven to me that I've failed as a writer because well... There was not a single OC in the chapter. All of those characters where humanised versions of someone form the show. If you did not pick that up, then I did not make it clear enough. Philomena was Fluttershy, Jack was Applejack, Rebecca was Rainbow Dash, Twilight Theresa, Rachel Rarity (Sweetie Bella) and Pinkie was Patricia so...
Damn. I was really trying to get that across.
1335984
Best thing you've ever read? Sir(or madam), you must not read much. Still, I'm glad you enjoyed it. More to come in the near future. Glad you liked Gilda, she's fun to write. If you like this be sure to check out my other story Penumbra.
1336044 Ah. I had a feeling it was something like that, but I honestly couldn't tell who was who. I get that it's alternate reality, but you definitely need to make their character traits clearer if you're gonna do something like that. I mean, if everyone's out of character, what's the point of doing a fanfic?
1336148
Well, the idea I had here was that as the characters develop they become more and more like their pony selves. So the character progression was the mane six going from being just a bunch of mercenaries and murderers to actual decent human being reminiscent of their pony selves. Plus, both Spike and Gilda are in character.
1336248 Yeah, I can see that working. You should still probably give some bigger hints to their identity, though, to avoid confusion. I notice you don't give a whole lot of physical description. That would probably work well.
1336267
Well, Luna goes out and outright states who Rebecca is next chapter, so I think people will be able to figure it out from there.
I agree with Ponyholics actually. It's really not clear enough and their attributes don't come through nearly as much as they should for the intro. It's only really obvious in the Gilda section namely due to the names and Luna appearing. Damn, I really should have picked up on that at the time. Sorry. The main way I can think of fixing it is to shift the Gilda section to the beginning.
1336342
Well, none of my pre-readers had issue with it. They all figured it out right away. In fact, I think I asked you at one point and your response was something like 'I think they'd have to be idiots to not pick up on that.' or something along those lines. But I'm not sure I want to reorganize the chapter. I'll see what other comments have to say.
1336364
That was with reference to Gilda's section specifically. When it came to Twi's section, you had to prod me a bit remember.
1336378
Hmm...
Maybe. I dunno. Given the likes to dislikes, I'm guessing more people picked up on it then not. Huh. Looks like that's a problem my fics are having, me never giving the reader a clear enough idea. Still, I guess I'd rather overestimate my audiences than underestimate it.
1336386
And then you stating everything rather than showing
NNEEEDDD MMMOOORRREEE
1336399
Well the next chapter is almost done, so you'll probably see that sometime next week depending on how my pre reader handles it.
1336400 Thanks quite a good read.
Told ya y1
Is a good story.
Good cover art btw. Appropriate but not too revealing.
*Skims the chapter*
The premise looks very promising. Just a couple questions. Is Spike going to come into the story more next chapter? Also is he or Gilda the main character?
1337879
Yeah, it was the best cover art I could find. Sad Human Rainbow Dash. I edited it slightly to add a stud to her nose.
But what was it that you told me?
1338840
Hmm... Well, Gilda is going to hold up most of next chapter, but she's not really the main character of this story. At this stage no one really qualifies as the main character, but it's Jack and Rebecca that seem to be getting the most screen time as I'm writing, so make of that what you will. I planned this as a group story, focusing on the development of the mane six as they travel together. This chapter and the next don't really carry that as much as I'd like them to. But this chapter serves to introduce all the characters and set up some of the situation, where next chapter is primarily about setting up the rest of the story. After that, chapter 2 onwards, it should settle into the brunt of what I want this story to be.
1339369 That's fine.
I'll wait for more chapters to see where you'll go.
1339455
Well the interesting thing about Spike is he's more or less the most sane and mentally healthy person in this band of misfits. I mean, that's not to say they're all batshit loopy or anything, but they all got issues, some more serious then others. So Spike sort of serves as 'the normal one' and the voice of reason.
1339489 Yep, I firgued that. Which is why it will be so interesting to see how he deals/copes with them. Assuming they don't drop him dead when they first meet.
1339559
Killing off Spike? That's just... cruel. I may write some reasonably dark stuff (see here) but Spike's a kid man. I'm not just gonna kill him off like that. Plus he's Spike, you know? That'd just be messed up.
I have to say that I liked the story, it leaves questions to be answered that I think will allow a good source of ideas. The identities of the characters (aside from Fluttershy) was easy to figure out (at least for me), Spike and Gilda were obvious, Rebecca has rainbow hair and is best friends with Gilda, the Belle=Bella was one letter changed so Rachel being Rarity isn't hard to see, Theresa=Twilight had all those statistics, while all the characters might be a little damaged emotionally but only could be that crazy, and of course Jack has the accent and is just missing the word apple before her name. You have caught my attention and I hope that you don't doubt your writing skills, I look forward to the next chapter and eventually finding out how they all meet, what's up with Gilda's connection to Luna, and finding out what exactly is up with Spike.
1339584 Good, don't kill him off, cause if you haven't notices, I'm somewhat fond of his character.
1339610
Look, I know I'm an above average writer, but if you go telling me I'm a master or this is the greatest thing ever I'm gonna scoff and disregard most of what is said. I have weaknesses in the areas of telling vs showing. I have a tendency to overestimate my readers ability to figure things out and my descriptions are lacking if not absent outright.
Those are just the ones that I'm aware of, I don't get enough feedback to spot all my weaknesses.
That said, thanks for your feedback and I'm glad you enjoyed my story. I'm glad you were able to figure out who was who. Yeah, I didn't drop very many hints (or any) with Philomena as Fluttershy. Fluttershy was actually the biggest problem when it came to planning because it was difficult to think of her as a badass merc. I tossed around for ages on how to make her fit in with the rest of the mane six. But I'm fairly satisfied with the way she turned out. That said, she's the one that's the most out of character so... ergh. I've always gad trouble writing Fluttershy, and this story is no exception.
1339369
That this was a good story.
BTW you human Gilda is my favorite humanized character.
1340691
Ah. Ok I'll admit I may have underestimated how much people would like this story. I'm still surprised that I've only gotten a single dislike.
Well, my version of Gilda has always endeared people for some reason. On a whim I included her in the first story I ever wrote (not counting my laughable attempts to write a novel when I was twelve) and she basically just took over as the main character without me ever planning on her being so. Since then I think I've gotten a pretty good handle on her. Still, I say the best version of Gilda is probably from Banishment Decree.
I have to say I really like this story. I disagree with Ponyholics, and Orphius. I think for the most part it is very easy to figure out who is which character. My only exception to this would be Elijah McKinley (Who appears to be an OC). I think my favorite part would be the bit with Theresa (Twilight) not quite the innocent, loving, egg head we all know but more of a cold calculating mindset with deep emotions ( Kind of reminds me of Breaking Twilight). I will say even though you're trying to go for a "group story" you have a tendency to portray Gilda as the main character.
Well love the story so far, can't wait for more.
1341771
Now you've gone and given Orphius the chance to rub something in may face. Anyway, glad you liked her. That scene was quite fun to write.
Glad to hear you enjoyed this story. Elijah McKinley is not quite an OC. He does appear in the show briefly, though he never says anything or is named as far as I can recall. He's not really a major character anyway though. Just gives a little background to Philomena and Redacted.
Did you have to go and compare Theresa to Breaking Twilight?
Well, at least Gilda is not bad person to have as a main character, and I do enjoy writing her. Maybe if people like her enough I'll include her more in the main story, but the larger focus in this story will definitely be the mane six and Spike. Mind you, I've got pretty much every character form the show appearing at one point or another.
1341771
Admittedly the first time I read it was just Twilight's section by itself with no context or whatnot (or at least no real context). Once I knew it was a humanised fic and that the Mane Six were the 'main' characters, it was easily to put everything together.
1342045
Rub, rub, rub =grins=
1339584
I'd totally kill him...
What? Just saying...
Edit: You just luuuuuurve your Gilda don't you?
1342092
You'd kill anyone. I mean, that civil war fic your planning? Good grief man. I'm actually worried.
1341771 You see what you've done?
I do not "luuuuuurve" Gilda. I'll admit she's fun to right, and I've been surprised by the amount of depth I've squeezed from her, and she is pretty cool, and she's the character I'm most proud of, and people to seem to really like her, and-
Shut up alright! I don't love Gilda. Please refrain from saying so in future.
1342179
=grins= Oh yes, that fic. Heh, that ones gonna be a doozy.
=grins wider= If you say sooooooooo
1342187
Yes. I do say so.
1342195
=whistles innocently=
Pardon my french but.....FUCK...... I like it
OrphiusOlyandra might be right. You do have Gilda in all your other fics. Just admit your love, lol!
Just be careful. Gilda seems like she would steal focus/attention from your story and the characters. You write her pretty well after all, right?
Really good story, I'd love to see more of this :)
I don't see how other people can miss the characters resemblance of their pony selves, I think someone said you had to prod them a bit on it before they could figure out Twilight's part? I assume they were looking for EXACT personality similarities or something, but whatever, I'm a kid, what do I know?
Anyways I really like this. Like and fav for you!
1343470
She's not in Penumbra and I assure you I do not love her.
Glad to hear that.
1344624
Yeah that's what I'm worried about with Gilda, she could easily hijack this story. I'm already worried about how much of next chapter focuses on her. Though it is all necessary to set this situation up and get the plot moving.
1345402
That would be Orphius, and he was one of the first to see any writing I put into this, so what he got was a section with no context thrown at him and two character that vaguely resemble one from Ponyville. I can understand him not quite getting it at first.
But I'm glad you were able to pick up on who each pony was.
Thanks for the like and fave.
1345785
1344624
See? I'm not the only one! Someone else agrees with me. And personally, I feel as though you write Gilda well enough that a fic centered just on her would be pure awesomeness.
1347901
Wasn't that what I was doing with Regal and Majestic?
1347934
I meant for something where Gilda can be badass, loudmouth and amusing in an action/adventure/whatever fic. But yes, technically yes
1347996
Well, to be honest that was what I was planning on doing with that collab fic we were considering.
1348137
I was thinking that also. Still say we only need two point of view characters, but hey, that's just my preference
1348148
That's something we can discuss and plan were the public won't see it.
1348151
Agreed
I don't mean to pester but when is part two coming out.
1350642
Pretty soon. I'll have the chapter finished hopefully by the end of tomorrow, then I it's pre-reading which hopefully won't take long, a week at most. So, it's most likely that you'll have a new chapter of this before next Friday.