I AM THE THREADBARE NIGHTMARE! I AM THE IRASCIBLE STOCKING! I AM THE FOOTWEAR OF YOUR DISCONTENT!
A fire in the Royal Archives. A mysterious, unreadable scroll. An enigmatic figure cloaked in darkness. Fate conspires to draw Twilight Sparkle and her friends into a quest that will take them across the length and breadth of Equestria. From high peaks to deep dungeons, from modern streets to ancient ruins, our heroines will delve into their homeland’s earliest history, and the revelations they unearth will decide not only their own destinies, but the doom of their entire world.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Many, many thanks to Azure Spark and President Nixon, whose feedback was essential in getting this story off the ground.
Well, this is nicely written, BUT, there is something I must point:
How does an "archive log"? how does it registered Twilight? and is some sort of security system?, since it automatically registered Twilight (or that is what it seems
)
but, overall, your story is good so far, and for some reason i am already seeing it on the FEATURED BOX
DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUUN!
Nice start so far. Keep it up.
1366995 magic. *snort snort*
Oh f
k its one of those destiny nuts...
Oh goody a destiny nut....I really hate them.
More please!
I saw Bleeding Rain's feedback post of your story and it sounded interesting to me so I took a look. Boy, am I glad I checked this story out. This is really good stuff so far. You did an amazing job. I loved just about everything; Astrum's lines are flavorful, the action scene was done awesome, and the pacing of the scenes were near perfect.
My only legitimate finick for this would be that your beginning could've been better. Ideally you should start with bang (a very interesting scene). Maybe like an action sequence that kind of also gives information and sets things up. You currently chose to have a shelf burn to ash in the Canterlot archives; big whuup. I have to give you due credit, though. Your writing style is good, and there was a lot of good reactions/emotions that made that feel interesting enough to get through, but other than that, there's very little relevance to the event (in the reader's perspective anyways, which is what matters). Nopony died. No villain was revived. There are seemingly no implications. The scroll's could totally be a big deal and could revive some giant demon or something, but the reader is left of the loop. There's little reason for us to care other than that it highlights a security vulnerability, which you skillfully focus on. That's what saves it for me. You were very smart to distract from the implication of some random scrolls getting burned, in turn for the implication of somepony being ABLE to burn the scrolls.
Anyways, this thing is sick. I love it. It's got a small traction issue (in the plot/intrigue), but that's not really a big deal because you entertain along the way perfectly well. I'm impressed. I don't see good stories like this pop up too often so I'm going to fav and watch were you go with the story.
Hope my feedback helped in some way.
1415375
Hey, hey, glad you enjoyed it! Oh, and yes, feedback is always welcome, especially when it's praise. Praise pleases my narcissism--give me more! More!
No, really, I like constructive criticism more, and I find your notes on the slow start rather interesting. Originally, I had the opening begin with a sequence exactly like you described--a speedy, action-oriented scene depicting the infiltration of the castle prior to the fire--but I ultimately cut it because it didn't seem, to me, to be an effective hook. The prose got somewhat dull because I kept the character's identity vague, leading to repetitive description, and it wasn't engaging because it basically boiled down to an OC pony doing several extraordinary feats of daring, something I felt would set off Sue-alerts. Starting off with canon characters seemed a better way to begin, and I hoped that I could raise enough questions early in the prologue to capture the reader's attention. From what you've told me, I managed to do so.
I may revisit the idea of the intro, but for now, I'd prefer to forge ahead with the narrative. "Prefer" being the operative word, of course, what with real-life concerns constantly pressing in. Again, thanks for the favorite!
1446538
Cool glad it helped. I try to give good feedback on stories that I see potential in. Some don't take my criticisms well at times unfortunately. *shrug* well what is one to do, but try right?
So then, considering the alternative you had planned, you definitely went with the better version. If anything, avoiding an opening with an overpowered original character, was a good move on your part. I probably wouldn't have read this if it started like that.
Something to consider for improvement, though: Whenever you're vague, or leave out information for suspense, it feels fine only because you know the twist. It's actually really frustrating for readers. One of the great pony writer's (soundslikeponies) told me: "If you have to keep the reader out of the loop on something then let them in on something else." Don't be holding all the cards all the time. Great mystery novels pull the reader's attention along by steadily dropping significant, and sometimes game changing, information, but they will still be holding the big twist's for the last second. I wouldn't change the first chapter at this point. Like I said, it's skillfully pulled together, but I think that you should reveal some plot/intrigue about what Astral is trying to do next chapter. Make no mistake, you don't have to drop your whole hand, just reveal a card or two so we can grasp the significance of the events.
1446900
"If you want to keep the reader out of the loop on something then let them in on something else."
Oh, I could say so much, but... spoilers!
*Cough*
So, yeah... about this story being incomplete n' stuff.
Very interesting start you have, Sock. Why impersonate Twilight? Why destroy unreadable scrolls? Why steal the Elements? So many questions!
And you know what the best part is? Astrum doesn't appear to be outwardly evil.
This is how you start a story. Absolutely fantastic - I can't wait for the next chapter.