Okay Burn Notice crossover, nothing i've seen before so let's take a look at our first judgement.

Well there really isn't much that the proluge gives us, although that's what prolueges are for so, yeah whatevs. I like the idea and the concept and i can't wait to see how this continues. You've got me interested

>>7133871338

Thought the turnaround time for moderation would be longer, first chapter should be up tomorrow at latest.

Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh. I read the first sentence of the description and squee'd. Oh gosh. Been waiting for forever for this.

Will read.

now i just need to see a Sons of Anarchy crossover and i will be soooo happy

nice username as well 8)

Yikes.  What an opener. 8 D

Man , I love Burn Notice and to see the tagline plot of the show be influenced by My little Pony: Friendship is magic is truly a great treat.

I am track this storyline as it's off to a good start.  Please do keep up the good work upon such a great idea like this one.

I have no Idea what burn notice is but,

MUST HAVE MOAR

lol, I posted my comment, refreshed the page and chapter on just got posted. lol

wow im really into the story so far

OMG yes

You've definitely got good ideas here. Characterization seems solid. Dialogue is decent. I didn't catch any specific errors in spelling and grammar and such, but I tend to gloss over those unless they manage to break the flow. Writing style seems inexperienced, but almost certainly on the way to being great.

Things that bothered me a bit: (please do not be discouraged by anything said here; it's included because you asked for feedback on potential problems, and most good authors I've met prefer a list of things that could be improved over a generic 'well done' any day)

Your quotation marks are off through pretty much all of it; it's clear what you mean, and I didn't even notice it after the first page or so, but you asked for grammatical feedback. Every line of dialogue should be in full quotation marks, not apostrophes or half-quotes or whatever those are called in this context.

You use the word 'said' way too often; you got better about it toward the end, and it's not an error, strictly speaking, but it gets annoying if every line of a conversation is set off by the same word. Try 'whimpered' or 'whispered' or something instead of 'said weakly,' leave it out when it's clear who's talking without it, and if possible try to use a description of concurrent actions of the speaker in the same paragraph to tell the reader who's talking instead of using that word so much.

For example, instead of "...Dash noticed my confused expression.

‘Poison Joke is ...’ she said ‘Good thing ...’"

You could have put the spoken part in the same paragraph and left the 'she said' out. Tends to help things flow better. (Just an example, and you're free to ignore it; I'm not trying to rewrite your story for you).

The rather... explicit vulgarity threw me a bit; it can work if it's part of establishing a solid, realistic character, but if it doesn't add anything to the story it should be avoided. Especially in a 'teen' rated work.

At first I was bothered by the immaturity (loser, dweeb, etc) between Dash and Gilda, given that they're both seven years more mature than in the show and have gotten high level professional jobs, but on second through it's almost certainly a sort of in-joke based on their past together in Junior Speedsters, so it's probably an establishing shot for their relationship rather than a problem with the writing. As long as it stays between the two of them. A Michael Westen expy should be suave; the word 'dweeb' should never come out of their mouth except under special circumstances.

At first it seemed odd that an agent of her level would be so free with things like her meeting at the library, at least at first (she hasn't seen Dash in seven years after parting on bad terms, and doesn't know anypony else here). Trixie makes a good point regarding not needing to keep things from them, but it still seemed odd that she'd speak openly about her mission with so many unknowns about.

Now that the minor quibbles are out of the way, I love the concept, I think that you're pulling it off very nicely so far, and I can't wait for the next chapter.

Gilda Weston should be a meme.

>>7197371973

Agreed. Any chance of running an "ask a griffon warrior" segment on the side?

>>7198371983

, as long as it doesn't require me to art good.

>>7195471954

Thanks so much for the feedback, hugely appreciated!

A few things:

1) Hadn't noticed the quotation mark thing at all. Don't know why I've been using half quotes. It'll definately be fixed in the next chapter, might go back and fix them in previous chapters. Then again, it's tedious so I might not

2) I do use said a lot. I used to use a lot of "said bookisms", but stopped because I'm not J.K. Rowling and can't pull off lots of said-switchouts without turning my writing into a melodrama-farce, with characters "shrieking" and "laughing" and "querying" their sentences. I know it's like under-salting a dish, but I need to be a better writer before I feel confident adding stuff like that. Tbh, I need to dig out my Pratchett and remind myself how he does dialogue. I buckin' love me some Pratchett...

3) You're totally right about the meeting in the library bit, I was rushing to get the first chapter out while the story was on the front page and it shows. Chalk it up to pilot episode weirdness, like Michael wasting those two bodyguards and then refraining from killing random mooks for the rest of the show

4) Gilda the Gryphon isn't quite Michael Weston. They're both well trained agents who got kicked out of their respective organisations, but where Weston mostly has a heart of gold, Gilda mostly doesn't.

But yeah, thanks hugely for the feedback. Feedback is the electrolytes in my storytelling Brawndo :D

Very nice. Couldn't find any of the technical errors of the last chapter and didn't notice any excessive repetition or anything, so don't worry about that.

Gilda is definitely not as suave as Weston (at least not when she's being herself; we'll have to see how well she does on the desception and disguise... actually, the disguise part ought to be particulalrly difficult; she'd be limited to pretending to be other griffons, and she couldn't interact with any other griffon directly because of the magic in her banishment. sorry, rambling)

Your portrayal of Trixie is wonderful.

Now, who is Dash bringing along? Pinkie is at their destination on unrelated business. Tank is male. Been working espianage since before Dash made the Wonderbolts, skilled in countersurveillance, tracking, magic detection, langages... the obvious answer seems to be Twilight. Especially since she's there to potentially deal with Trixie. I feel like I'm missing something though. Or maybe Fluttershy; that would make things awkward. Whoever it is, it's almost inevitable that they will both screw up the mission (because you're taking four people on a two pony job), and that they will be essential after the job turns out to not be what it appears.

Anyway, time to read those other stories that the background here came from.

>>8113281132

You guessed right at Twilight. And you're definately right that Gilda isn't as suave as Weston. She's more like the crazy mugger Weston played who threatened to burn those criminals in a car if they didn't leave the neighborhood.

I'm very glad you like my Trixie. I'm not saying she's best pony, but... Yeah she's pretty much best pony.

I think I've decided to try doing reading commentaries here like I've done for Project Horizons and such in the past; good authors need feedback and I'm terrible at literary analysis and such, but this should at least let you know what one of your readers is thinking as they go through the story. Let me know if you'd prefer something else, and I apologize in advance for the wall of text.

"'That's all classified information! And she's a gryphon spy!'"

Eeeeyup. I can see why Dash never went into intelligence work...

Anyway, it should be interesting to see how you blend Twilight's adorkableness and her ultracompetence.

I love how the OCs are shaping up. This is working a lot better than straight expys would have, and I apologize for trying to veiw them as such in the past.

A sack of gadgets? Either the sack will be lost within moments or we were just shown Checkhov's arsenel and I should be taking notes.

Hm. Incoming Twixie? At any rate, it looks like we won't need to worry about those two getting along.

Yay, spy tips from Gilda.

Followed immediately by an example of just how scary a gryphon in a pony town can be. Guessing that this won't have Burn Notice's 'no killing' rule.

...But not nearly as scary or as classy about it as Trixie can be when you really annoy her. Vengeance in full and getting paid thrice?

So yeah, it's probably best if Dash and Twi never hear about any of this.

Good old gang bosses. 'Cause if you gotta have crime, best for it to be organized, right? That way the prices stay reasonable and people hardly ever get murdered in the street.

That's... more money than they should be paying for a job this simple. And an uncomfortably small fraction of it in advance, given that he's worked with Trixie before and knows she won't just leave with the money. Whatever's in the package is far more dangerous than it appears, and things have absolutely no chance of going smooth. Of course nopony on either side of the (probable) trap is counting on Dash and Twi...

Okay, no points for saying this won't go smooth. If I were to guess as to the contents of the package now, I'd say that it's something that makes the job morally impossible to complete, either because it goes too far for Gilda or Trixie to be a part of, or because Dash and Twi find out what it is. Drugged foal? Month's supply of medicine stolen from hospital in need? Weapon of mass destruction? Dunno. But it's highly likely that Gilda isn't getting paid on this one, and will get a better reputation among upstanding citizens but lose criminal contacts and seriously piss off Brickbat (unless he's aso unaware of the contents and similarly unwilling to go through with it, in which case she's going to piss off somepony much more powerful but gain a solid ally here). Something that solidifies her as 'anti-hero' rather than 'villain protagonist'.

Anyway, the story seems to just be getting better, and I eagerly await the next installment.

>>8315683156

Feedback from guys like you is the diesel that keeps my writing engine running, I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate it. Walls of text are fantastic, keep them coming.

It's funny you mention FoE: PH, because the thing that really started this story rolling was the scene where Blackjack is inside Lacunae's mind, seeing the memory of Trixie working as a prostitute. While I did basically cry at that scene, I just couldn't imagine it happening with Trixie. I couldn't see our favorite illusionist getting treated like that and not burning the pimp alive in his home (and then collecting on fire insurance), even if she'd probably be caught and executed for it. Trixie seemed the type to snap rather than flatten under pressure.

Straight expys, ehhh. The closest I've ever seen that come to working was Pony Age: Origins, and I'm not a huge fan of that story. Everything feels shoehorned, and the end result was just me wanting to play Dragon Age and watch MLP, rather than seeing them awkwardly stuck together. Some things just didn't feel right, like trying to mix together the character of Rarity with a cold-blooded, calculating barbarian witch who spends all her time sneaking through bogs and wilds.

It's much easier and gives you much more freedom to just get a situation (like the infinite time loop in Groundhog Day), stick the characters in (like Blueblood) and write those characters as they would act in that situation (Like 'Best Night Ever', http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/11/story-best-night-ever.html).

That bag is definately Chekhov's arsenal. My least favorite part of The Fifth Element was where Gary Oldman gets hold of the awesome gun that does everything, and then.... shoots normal bullets with it

Yeah, Gilda is more like early-Burn Notice Fiona, entirely willing to kill and injure ponies to get a job done. Trixie has the same approach as Stewie Griffin when it comes to violence.

Dash has been in special forces and knows what's what, so I don't think she'd be hugely bothered depending on what pony got whacked. They shouldn't let Twilight know, but I have a line of dialogue explaining exactly what a Hoofdini entails, and I don't think I can resist sticking it in somewhere.

I don't think there would be a good sense of drama if I let this job go smoothly, so you guessed right there

Gilda will very much straddle the antihero/villian protagonist line, at least at first. One of my frustrations with the Burn Notice series is that Michael went from being sort of a dick in the early seasons and slowly mellowing out as the whole thing went on into a really nice dude who's not really an antihero. Occasionally they throw in a line of dialogue where he's been a dick to someone, but in the later series it just jars and doesn't seem right.

The next installment is all planned out, I've even included a twist

Thanks for reading!

I-Is it sad that I really want to see the preening scene and have reread that part of it at least 50 times(not even hyperbole, quite literal)?

>>9030990309

Eh, not too bad. 50 rereads indicates something, but the possibilities range from 'not a problem' to 'could be worse.'

And it certainly was an... interesting scene.

>>9030990309

There's another preening scene in the next chapter. Now you've given me performance anxiety

mmmm......needs more pinkie

Huh...

   For just a second I figured it mita been Rarity...

Oh Well!

WHA? I wasn't expecting Pinkie to be in on these things too!!! nice twist. i'll definitely keep reading

Mentioned intrigue in Tarandroland and that happened in Sieurn's "Under the Northern lights" So Starlight it is.

Clues cannon's from nowhere and the Old Masked Mare costume. It had to be either Rarity or Pinky pie.

FlutterFly is writing novel's as Papilone (Means butterfly) Unless she using her Pseudonym as a cover for something else.

Completely honest here, I called Pinkie Pie the second I read that she was in town. If she hadn't done this I would've been suprised.

Okay, I'm hooked. I love what you've done with Gilda and especially Trixie. This is... rather cool, actually.

I've never seen Burn Notice, but this is sufficiently awesome that I'm going to have to check it out.  ...Have I already said that?   Well if I have, it's worth saying again.

I was grinning like a crazy person just reading the summary.  This is awesome so far, and I really like Gilda's Weston-esque asides about the business.  I thought her analogy about how her bones felt was a bit too explicit for something with a Teen rating, but otherwise I'm enjoying this very much!  Oh, and excellent casting decisions, too.

Back with another reading commentary. And this time I learned to use smileys!

Edit: Apologies for the lateness and/or incoherency of this commentary; I started reading a few hours after it was first posted, and doing a reading commentary as I went. Then I got a notification that Project Horizons had updated, and as wonderful as this story is, nothing is higher priority than that. Then I really needed sleep because of the stuff my family had planned around me for the next three days. Long story short, the story and this commentary have been sitting open on my desktop for almost a week now. Sorry.

Heh. Simple job. Lemme tell you, I've played D&D for over twelve years, Traveller for at least a decade, decent amounts of Call of Cthulhu, and probably too much Shadowrun. The "simple job" line never gets old.

The Great and Powerful Trixie does not require money! The Great and Powerful Trixie is more than capable of making whatever She chooses in any situation! She is here for Her own amusement and/or to assist a friend in need, not because She is required to be!

I'm with Twi on the suspiciousness of the deal. Gilda's explanation is reasonable, but I don't buy it; she seems to be rationalizing, and trusting Brikbat far too much.

Meeting is on the 76th floor... they'll end up going out the window, won't they? Dash and Gilda can fly unless seriously wounded on the way out; what's your position regarding self-levitation by unicorns? Twi's definitely got the power for it, if it's possible, but we've never seen it in canon and fanon varies.

"'Find out what keys they use and make sure we have bumps on hoof.'"

Bumps?

Ah, the old scotch and slops.

So Twi has been asked to murder by Luna? And nobody knew about this until now? hmm...

Pinkie... is not going to remain on the periphery for long. How does she figure into all of this?

Good advice, hotel-wise. Also, remember to tip well, but not too well. No tip and the staff has reason to not like you; too much tip and they remember you too well if forced to talk. Large but not unusually so makes them likely to be on your side but not remember you much more clearly than their other guests.

More preening.

Now what exactly is going on next door?

Oh dear. Honestly I was expecting worse from the Hoofdini, but Dash is not reacting well...

Smooth. >.< Honestly Gilda, I think I'd have a better time trying to pick up lesbian mares. And I'm an asexual male human in a different universe.

One of the first rules of stealth: if you can't change color to match the walls, act like you belong there and the walls tend to change color to match you. Everypony tries very hard not to notice the smelly griffon with the toolbox amongst all the pretty ponies in sleek suits.

*Snrk*

No batman-style deus ex machina machine for you. Jury-rigging it is.

Ah tech guys. Impossible to sneak past, incredibly knowledgeable about the equipment you're trying to mess with, and cautious/overprotective enough to screw up the best sabatage job. But very easy to distract.

Hm. Solder might not be the best option here... tends to take a bit of time to place, has a distinct smell, and you're already using alligator clips; the real advantage to actually soldering your connections is stability for long term things, and subtlety for cursory inspection (which is already ruined by the clips you did use). Then again, the room was probably already full of fumes and she expected to have plenty of time...

Okay, so Dash is shifting between three observation positions outside, Gilda's covering gaps between those... Scootaloo? Fastest Chicken in equestria, hooves down.

Wait, so where is Gilda again? Earlier it sounded like she was outside covering between Dash's perches, but now she's in the closet with Twi before the target gets to the 76th floor. Does she go in through a window? That's hardly subtle. Eh, nevermind. I probably just misinterpreteted the earlier part.

Right, not making a joke about Trixie joining Gilda and Twilight in the closet.

Though I would not be at all surprised if a janitor or somepony went in to get some equipment, saw a griffon and two classy unicorn mares huddled in a closet looking like they'd been caught at something, and just walked right out without a word.

Huge increase in organized crime activity for the past two years. Damn. See, organized crime is better for the community than a whole bunch of independants all screwing each other, but two big groups going to war can tear a place apart in a big way. And now they're getting desperate for some reason, which means they're getting stupid, and instead of looking at long term goals and keeping things decent for everypony, they're going to look at short-sighted schemes and quick personal profit and tear things up further. Do I sense an overarching plot for the next few missions?

One-use telporter? That simplifies things greatly.

Gawd damn it, have none of these ponies heard of radio discipline?

Twilight remains both adorkable and frightiningly competent.

...Royal Guard issue pauldrons over a hawaiian shirt and hoofball cap? seriously?

Incidentally, any particular reason that japanese gets shifted to neighponese but hawaiian is left alone? And now it's Japony? You seem to be shifting between fanon geographies. It's a minor thing and doesn't really need fixing; I've just been spoiled by Fo:E and Project Horizons and keep trying to figure out a coherent global structure based on what are probably supposed to be irrelevent offhoof comments.

Over two million bits. I suddenly begin to feel that Gilda and co are being underpaid for this job. And the chance of this going smooth just dropped from about 1% to a solid zero.

Small disruption in the air vents, too small to be a pony... rope down the side of the building... maybe a foal? A trained animal?

Cannon. Pinkie?

Dear sweet Luna it's the Mare-do-Well.

Yep. Pinkie. Knew she couldn't keep away from a party like this. Can't wait to see what changes have come to our hyperkinetic reality warping pink pony over the years.

Ack! My commentary is mentioned by name the same chapter that it arrives a week late... derp?

>>107785107785

AWESOME! NEW SINDRI COMMENTARY

To be fair, Banishment Decree and FoE: PH aren't really fighting in the same weight category so I can't blame you for those priorities. I can put sentences down on a page, but I ain't Somber.

Gilda is possibly less suspicious about the job because she's worked with Brickbat before and has done similar arrangements in the past. Or she's just being arrogant, which is equally likely.

'Bumps' refers to bump keys, a blank key with all the teeth filed down to the lowest depth. Used for very fast lockpicking (under thirty seconds instead of being stuck at a door for five minutes) that needs very little skill. I'll explain it in the work when they get around to using one.

The murder thing is in Under the Northern Lights by Sieurin. It's an incomplete fanfic and it's not yet clear if Twilight actually goes through with it. Read the fic for context, because it's an awesome fic anyway.

Jury rigging is awesome, but otoh I will have to do research on electronics and basic mechanics. I Did Not Do The Research about the solder and alligator clips, haven't touched a circuit that wasn't in a computer since Design & Technology classes in secondary school.

Your overarching plot sense is tingling with good reason

No, these ponies do not have good radio discipline. Yes, it is going to bite them on the ass.

Glad to hear I'm hitting my mark for Twilight

As far as organised crime in Filly goes, Brickbat is rather nice. I have him down as an ex bookie/landlord who hired a bunch of enforcers to keep his neighborhood free from other gangs and criminals and basically just snowballed from there. The other crime bosses, as you are about to find out, are not so nice.

...Yeah the pauldrons may have been excessive, especially now that I've checked again what they actually look like. I will probably change it. Same with messy geography, that's pretty much carelessness on my part.

Two million bits in bonds, which means the documents they're being traded for are worth about two million bits too. So yeah, a tad underpaid...

All is forgiven, for you are the one with the awesome and highly useful commentaries. The next few chapters are going to take a bit longer than I'd like I'm afraid. I'd basically had the skeletons of the last three chapters planned out in advance, it was only when I started to flesh them out that I knew I'd have to split them up. The next chapter is pretty much planned out with 1k words written out and I've got a train journey today, so I'll see how that goes.

And again, thanks for the awesome feedback!

continues to be quite interesting

Okay, beginning commentary only five hours late. Then catching back up on the discussion of PH 31. Then over to the new Pink Eyes chapter. Then I need to dig into my immediate backlog; haven't gotten to the new Summer Days and Evening Flames yet. If I'm fast I can finish by about dawn... Why does everything always happen at once?

Not sure Dash could pull a betrayal like that; Element of Loyalty after all. It's a possibility, but I'm going the the alternat theory for now. As soon as I figure out what the alternate theory is. Pinkie tends to screw with any logical approach to figuring things out.

Yep. Definitely alternate.

Irrational punching? Telekinesis. Another attempt? More telekinesis. Kicking? You're really not a clever griffon, are you Gilda?

Pinkie Pie vs the Manehattan underground. I'm not sure I want to know what exactly is meant by "broke half the gangs."

Twilight is so OP. Perfectly in character, but that level of telekinesis is well established to be cheating even in the show itself.

...the sheer power of Pinkie Pie's reality warping trained and focused by ponies who actually knew what they were doing? This is a problem. In fact, those numbers are seeming kinda low... this is scarier than the Ministry of Morale.

I really love your Trixie. All the characterizations so far are great, but she's just beautiful. Does Seth know about this story?

Ah, Pinkie. She's very... Pinkie. Genki? I need more words.

Neophyte is totally a word, Dash. And everybody can see that the Great and Powerful Trixe has you figured out. we're going to get to see Scoots in a later chapter, right?

Twilight, you really need to change your codes more often. Sure it wouldn't have helped here, but using the same private key on your comms for a year and a half? That's just lazy.

Title drop time. ohshit. So, kinda like a Lich's phylactry? With a dash of demonolgy and Black Book to taste?

Good to know the G&PT has her priorities straight. I mean it's not like waiting a moment for the exposition will make it go away forever.

Simple job. Good to know I'm not the only one to see the inherent humor in the phrase.

Yes, everything is starting to come together...

Wait. So this crime lord wants to go legit, and puts together a book of every other criminal in the city and everything he can dig up about them... right as the Mare-do-Well comes to town and starts taking things apart. That's too convenient. Pinkie, you're being manipluated. This is all going to go very wrong very fast.

Even if Sparks is really going legit and you manage this, you're making a huge vacuum in a major city. There will be crime, that's a fact of life. Stable criminal organizations tend to be better at controlling it than law enforcement, and for all the money they'll siphon from rich folks and big businesses they're better for the community than the muggers and such they push out. You need to end the gang war, no doubt about that, and many if not most of the gangs in town are probably horrible enough that they need to be taken donw or put under new management, but sweeping the city clean? That's just inviting a fresh coat of slime.

Good luck with your education and your face-punches. Looking forward to the next chapter, whenever that ends up being.

>>121048121048

You're awesome with these commentaries. Damnit Sindri, why can't all commenters be you?

I am not hugely happy with this chapter. I went into 'lazy writer mode' a little bit and it felt in parts like I was dumping exposition on the page. I also left out some mildly important bits from transitioning from this chapter to the action chapter, so on the train today I might write 'Book of Names, Part Lunch' so that my next proper chapter works better.

Gryphon punching. I figure that when you have razor sharp claws, punching is really just a different kind of yelling.

Pinkie is best Mare-Do-Well. Honestly, I could hardly waste all those mini-superpowers of her by not letting her run a war on crime

The Trixie/Dash banter is getting slightly one sided in Trixie's favor, which I just can't be having. I want to write more Peeved Trixie

Scoots is actually going to get her own story, but I need to do more reading, research and 'riting before I can do it any justice. I plan to explain why three fillies scrapping could free Discord.

Yeah, the chronology of the crime lord is something that got messed up when I rushed to finish, like the library meeting in the first chapter. I also left out the lunch scene which I'd been planning all the way through the actual writing. Prepare for a short chapter to tide you guys over while I sort my life out for a week or two.

Yup, there's a flaw in Pinkie's plan. The cravenly opportunistic Gilda and Trixie will have a few ideas about it however...

Next chapter will be quite short, but next proper chapter is half planned, excessively complex, action filled and oddly written. It may take a while but I'll deliver. Thanks again for the awesome commentary!

Interesting, here. Man, a fully-trained Pinkie... scary! I wonder what's in Trixie's file... and thank you for having Pinkie simply read about Gilda's banishment rather than her Pinkie Sense!

.......I don't know how....but you made that last moment d'awwable.....You get a small internet you genius.

You know, I could get to like Gilda like this. Both have that heart of gold, with a barb-wire exterior.

I'm enjoying this story immensely. I initially thought that this would just be one of those "Characters as other Characters" stories, but this is so much better. Despite painting Gilda and Trixie respectively as incredibly blood-thirsty and so self-absorbed she's in danger of imploding, I've come to really like them. And even with the change of setting and characters, you've still managed to keep the Burn Notice atmosphere, which I love. This is an all-around great fic, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

-Gilda eating somepony's liver

-Trixie burning bad ponies to death so that they can feel every second of it

You have MADE MY DAY

And I should feel somewhat bad about that.

But still, I am immensely pleased with how this story is going so far.  

>>302636302636

Thanks! That was the second re-write, it felt a bit firnickety getting it right.

>>303244303244

>>305926305926

That's the fun thing about antiheroes like James Bond or Tyler Durden. They're cool, and you do start to like them; but the reader has to remember that they are actually bastards and the writer has to avoid the temptation to turn them into fluffy friendly bunnies who suddenly have all morals n shit. Hopefully someone will e-slap me if Gilda or Trixie suddenly become lawful good.

>>308579308579

We are bad people and we should feel bad.

Okay, I'm far too much of a derp to even come close to the bounty of a feedback response that Sindri gave, but I'll say this: After reading the bit where the entire group of ponies is waylaid by the mysterious assailant and then finding out who it was, (and please don't judge me harshly for this) I have the strangest boner...

This story? Yes please.

Really?! A Burn Notice crossover?! Oh sweet buttery Celestia, me gusta. Me so very, very gusta.

Wow.

Seriously, wow. I did not think this story would be that good, but I have to say that after an hour of reading like Twilight Sparkle on 4 cups of coffee during finals week, it BLEW AWAY ALL EXPECTATIONS AND REPLACED THEM WITH PURE CONCENTRATED AWESOME SAUCE!!!

More please!

I love this story probably waaaaaaaaay more than I should, but dang it nothing makes me smile wider than two friends bonding over the mutually achieved massacre of evil beings. Pass the beer please!

Man, I know I should be repulsed by it, but the scene where Gilda rips out that stallion's liver was so immensely satisfying that it hurt!

I'll now start looking for some brain bleach.

(Reads tagline)

"YES! YES!"

There goes my night!

(Starts reading)

EDIT- finished what you've got so far... by Celestia that last chapter got dark in a hurry. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see a bad guy die so painfully before.

Loving this story so far.

Knew it was Pinkie the second they mentioned a cannon.

I look back up. Twilight, Trixie and Dash are all enjoying their food. Snails is standing in the corner, looking at me with a smug, “I just gave a filly multiples” smirk. Pinkie has finished her donuts, and is giving me a similar variation of that look. Fuck you, Pinkie. Your food isn't allowed to make me this happy.

*Is on the floor, laughing my *** off!* That was bloody brilliant!

I love burn notice as much as I love fim. This is so awesome I can't even eltjhvbjldhfbvljwefbvjhbhkfnvsyruryyggggggg g

Gg

The filly cracks a wide smile, to my surprise. “Thank you, mister griffon. We'll never forget this!” Hey, a pony who doesn't freak at a little blood. She's even more like Dash than she looks.

Um...I'm sure you realize this, but Gilda is female...

this is what's going through my head as I'm reading this fic:

reads title, "okay a Burn Notice crossover, this should be interesting..."

1st chapter, "okay so Rainbow is Fiona+Sam and it's 8 years in the future, the interesting has been doubled"

2nd chapter, "so Trixie is Gilda's CIA expo contact, and they've been working as partners for a long time...okay this clearly won't be a direct crossover"

3rd chapter, "hmmm... references to Under the Northern Lights an awesome fic...twilight being an analysist imokaywiththis.jpg sounds very in-character for her...wow this fic is WAY more mature then burn notice (I've only watched the new seasons)...they're working with crime lords, this will be VERY different from Burn Notice"

4th chapter, "okay a very Burn Notice like chapter...wait...Batman expo? and it's Pinkie?!"

5th chapter, "okay Pinkie is Batman+Pinkie (did some one say OP?), yet another layer of interesting on top of the many other layers of interesting...and she has more questionable morals than Batman, yet another scoop of interesting...okay the crime situation in Fillydelphia is very bad...not-a-Book-Of-Names = artifact of doom (see tvtropes.org)...taking down all the gangs in Fillydelphia, impossible goal much?"

6th chapter, "snails being awesome cook, imokaywiththis.jpg...okay the crime situation is beyond bad..."The Terror of the Falling Dipshit"? best line ever...okay, that got grimdark EXTREMELY fast...okay Gilda and Trixie have EXTREMLY questionable morals...but at least there was kinda a justification for it...the grimdarkness just shot up 200%, imokaywiththis.jpg"

you have a great fic here, keep it going, though you should increase the rating to mature (if FIMfiction has such a rating) because between the "preening" (obvious sex scene much? though the "real" sex was off-camera...) and the grimdarkness puts it at higher rating than "teen" (I assume teen means pg-13)

Grimdarkness out of nowhere much? most fics either keep the grimdarkness at a constant level (see FoE: PH for the grimdarkness being kept at an extremely high level), or do it in very small spikes (the Vagabond and its sequels), you went from Burn Notice level (which could be considered noblebright from some viewpoints), to the same level or maybe even higher than The Wire (best crime show ever...if you haven't seen it, you need to right now)(actually the situation in Fillydelphia reminds me a lot of Baltimore in The Wire) or if you haven't seen The Wire, you jacked the grimdarkness up to FoE:PH levels in under 2 paragraphs and without any warning to the reader, I'm fine with this, just wasn't expecting it

So this story in my mind is Burn Notice+The Wire+Batman?+a sprinkling of Project Horizons+god knows what else and I'm loving every word of it

This is absolutely fantastic!    You are absolutely brilliant.  And the snark...dear God, the snark!  I think I'm in love!  

>>313609313609

I know what you mean about 'didn't think it would be that good'. Apart from Fallout: Equestria and derivative works, I haven't seen many good crossovers. A lot of this is the expy problem. Take Pony Age: Origins for instance. It's a well-written story, the author mashed together Equestria and Ferelden quite nicely, but the characters make it feel a bit stilted because they tried to do very straight combinations of characters and it can come off a little weird. You keep thinking 'are these ponies acting out of character, or are they just in character for their other personality?' Also too, if you're following the events of whatever you're crossing over, you're going to end up forcing characters to make choices that are OOC; and you're going to kill suspense for people who know the crossover work.

I try to get around the former problem by saying that Gilda is Gilda, and the only aspects of her personality that she'll steal from Weston are narration and gratuitous sunglasses. She's been put in a similar situation to Weston, but fundamentally she'll act as Gilda would.

But in any case, I'm glad you think it's working out

>>313859313859

>>314125314125

I have Sudden Onset Grimdark Syndrome

>>314462314462

I'm mildly proud of that bit

>>314655314655

In my headcanon, influenced strongly by PotatoJoe's Gilda Versus Knitting, ponies have a difficult time telling griffons apart and tend to assume they're male. Might change in future if it doesn't work, or develop it further if it does. Time will tell!

>>314722314722

I'm glad the snark works. I was a bit skeevy about giving it a 'comedy' tag, but I think it's working out for the moment.

>>314962314962

Wait wait wait... this is a crossover?

As in, I can watch a similar story right now? On my television?

*reads Wikipedia article* so THAT'S why Gilda is unexpectedly banished early on! Tv shows like that need a plot hook to get people interested, but most fanfics don't need that because, well, we're already here for the ponies, and if it's relatively well written there's no reason to leave.

To Netflix!

>>315041315041

You didn't know it was a crossover? How come you thought it wouldn't be that good at first, out of curiosity?

>>314695314695

Awesome! A wall of text!

Dash is more Sam than Fiona, since she's loyal, laid back and ex-special forces. Fiona's role is taken by Trixie, who is essentially a criminal for hire whose skills make her useful for off-the-books spycraft.

Yup, not a direct crossover. That wouldn't be half as fun

Glad you noticed the Northern Lights bits, they were mentioned in the authors notes but I removed them when I submitted to EqD. I actually reference a whole bunch of fics, I'll probably stick a final massive authors note at the end of the most recent chapter.

Fiona works with criminals a fair bit in Burn Notice, Michael doesn't but that's because he's got morals. Gilda does not have morals.

Yeah, Mare-Do-Well is OP. Deal.

What can I say, I like mood whiplash

Dunno about the mature rating. The violence isn't any worse than say, Ponies Make War; and sometimes preening is just preening. No different from massages, and I've doled those out to platonic friends on occasions. Also, no sex has occurred, even in subtext. Gilda sleeps in the guest room the first time, and gets wing-slapped the second.

I've never seen The Wire for the same reason I've never played Skyrim: I'd quite like to graduate university with a mark better than FAIL. As far as influences go, it's probably FoE: PH, Punisher Max (Garth Ennis versions), Burn Notice and Terry Pratchett, roughly in that order. The use of permanent present tense is from Sleepless Brony and my Equestrian Geopolitics headcanon/fanon draws very heavily from Under the Northern Lights and Wild_Heart's On Gryphon Society and Culture. I liked Potato Joe's portrayal of Gilda in Gilda Versus Knitting so much that I had to use her in a fanfic, though the slightly softer edges of her personality are more from the Writing is Expression chapters of Dumb Luck.

What really got me into this story was Trixie. I think she's a great character in the show. She's arrogant, somewhat amoral, entirely egotistical and loves her luxuries; but at the same time she's happy running a travelling magic show, she's magically gifted and she's rather smart. She absolutely tools three of the Elements of Harmony, including two physically strongest ones, and only gets shown up when she's up against the (probably) most magically powerful unicorn in existence who had spent the entire day studying the challenge they were up against.

How does Trixie get written, without fail, in fanfiction? A damaged, powerless Woobie whose life falls apart after Ponyville and is either driven mad going for revenge or spirals into depression and homelessness and needs the help of the Mane Six to get back on her feet. Again and again and again. The only exceptions that come to mind are her small role in Gilda Versus Knitting and her big role in Substitute Harmony. I won't be satisfied until all of Equestria knows the Greatness of the Great and Powerful TRIXIE!

All that out of the way, thanks a ton for the feedback, and I'm glad you liked it

>>315164315164

> Dash is more Sam than Fiona, since she's loyal, laid back and ex-special forces. Fiona's role is taken by Trixie, who is essentially a criminal for hire whose skills make her useful for off-the-books spycraft.

yeah, but you made Dash the ex-marefriend, therefore she has aspects of Fiona

>I've never seen The Wire for the same reason I've never played Skyrim: I'd quite like to graduate university with a mark better than FAIL.

fair enough, but if you need an amazing show to watch, you should pick it up, plus it was made by HBO therefore its amazing by default, plus there's plenty of inspiration for crime groups and asshole/non-functional police officers/department in that show

> All that out of the way, thanks a ton for the feedback, and I'm glad you liked it

I'll try to do a commentary, but it won't be as detailed as Sindri's

>>314962314962 You're welcome , and also I figured it was something like that, either from the narcotics or simply just couldn't tell from the voice.

I must say that I found what Trixie did to the slavers comparatively merciful compared to what I would've done in the same situation.

>>315070315070

Well, you know how some stories amp up the cringe-worthy stuff on purpose? I HATE that; I ALWAYS get attached to the characters, even if it's meant to be a comedy, and I can't ever distance myself enough to enjoy it. I'm just not built for schadenfreude, and I've found that it's the only reason 8/10 Gilda or Trixie fics exist.

Then there's the fact that it's Gilda AND Trixie, which immediately screams shipping- your tags didn't say shipping, but I got burned on that by "Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel" (which I really enjoyed, but was too far in to stop once it got shippy, which made me a little upset) and the fact that is also in the picture, maximizing the potential for awkward moments to make the reader uncomfortable.

But besides that, it seemed pretty interesting, and the fact that I got as far as I did, with zero knowledge of the crossover material, and still enjoyed it says volumes about your writing ability. Heck, you even got me to actually ENJOY someone else's pain- I was completely ok with what Trixie did to those awful ponies.

>>316097316097

I'm in the same boat with cringeworthy stuff, can barely read it let alone write it.

You have read my fic. You are now a sadist

Starring the Great and Powerful Trixie as... BRUUUUCE CAMPBELLLLL!

You've instantly made her best character.

There are so many things I can say about this glorious motherfucking gem. But I need only one word.

Tracked.

>>316112316112

Hi Pot! My name's Kettle!

Seriously, where did you come up with the Blue Lotus Oil, the tail-steroids, or the evil ponies being burned alive? I don't think all that would be contextual in the original show. Then again, I haven't seen the episode... (Darn you school, keeping me from having enough time to do ponies and watch tv!)

>>315164315164

Chuck, the paragraph about Trixie in this comment has given me the basis for the Trixie I want to portray in a fic I recently started working on. The Trixie in my story will probably be nowhere near as powerfully lovable as the goddess you've written into this one, but I'll damn well try to make her at least somewhat applicable to your standard.

Ok, Burn Notice with ponies.

You are my new God. I have been meaning to do one of these FOREVER. Bad Apple IS a non-spy Michael Westin. This is just... beautiful. I must have more.

Also, if there's voting, I, too, voe for a bit of Trixie/Gilda (and no, you're not the only one who made her something besides a broken Woobie. I think her ego is doing just fine.)

>>317450317450

You're right, almost none of that stuff is from Burn Notice. In Burn Notice the main characters actually kill criminals like, once a season (although they frequently set criminals up to be killed by other criminals. I mention in an EqD comment that all you need to know about Burn Notice for this fic to make total sense is:

1) It's about a spy who gets fired for something he didn't do, and tries to solve this problem.

2) The main character often does narration about spying and espionage

3) The main cast go and solve problems for people to earn money while they try to get un-burned.

4) The main character wears gratuitous sunglasses and nice suits.

As for how I came up for this stuff, the concept of attacking a slavery ring was from Punisher Max: The Slavers by Garth Ennis, blue lotus oil was from the real world thing of 'encouraging' sex workers to develop drug addictions and the name was from a Tintin comic, the tail-steroids were me thinking of a pony version of the fucked-up things done to women like foot binding or victorian-era corsets and the burning ponies alive was just what Trixie would do.

I've gotta say though, when you make a character who is egomaniacal, well-spoken, loves luxuries but isn't afraid to get their hands/hooves dirty, amoral and highly intelligent, they feel a LOT like Stewie Griffin. Most of the time the character is Trixie, but when I write Murder-Trixie it's like Stewie is acting through her.

Stewie Griffin is awesome, so I see this as a good thing.

>>317741317741

Another 'strong Trixie' fic I'd recommend is the perpetually unfinished The Ballad of Twilight Sparkle, where Trixie is a competent showmare who picks herself up after Ponyville, gets slightly obsessed with Twilight, goes back on tour and then gets a movie made about the amazing Glitter Dawn and her defeat of the Ursa Major. She does have her odd moment of weakness, but it's nothing like the constant woobieness you see in most Trix Fics.

>>318682318682

Thanks for the lynx. One question though: What in Celestia's name is a 'woobie'? It sounds both adorable and highly insulting at the same time.

>>318923318923

TVtropes definition of Woobie

>>318931318931

So Trixie is portrayed as a woobie a lot...Hmm. Well, my story calls for just a dash of woob from her, but other than that, she'll be the talented, egotistical, narcissistic self-absorbed bitch I know and love.

It feels weird, but I read the asides in Michael Weston's voice.  That's probably my favorite part.  And I kinda imagined Trixie's disguise as kinda like the Spy from Team Fortress 2: A perfect disguise, but removing it involves a smoke effect (in this case, a wavy effect) and a whooshing sound.

I was kinda hoping the pony Dash was bringing along would be Rarity, because she's the Spy in Team Stable 2.

>>318682318682

I didn't even know any of that going in, I just picked it up as I was reading. It was easy to roll with.

I have now seen the first episode, and I must say I like this much better, even if it is darker and more violent in some parts. The stuff you added in contributes nicely to the overall story, even if it's a less pleasant view of Equestria than I usually prefer. Frankly, I just like the pony characters better than those silly humans, no matter how many awards it's won.

Trixie and Gilda are both daughters of a fatherless goat.  And yet, they're so endearing.

I wasn't sure about a story revolving around crime syndicates, but you've sufficiently captivated me with your stellar writing.  Now I just hope Pinkie Pie is being entirely on-the-level with them.  If you could confirm that, that'd be great.  On second thought, don't.  A story like this, I want to be dangling on tenterhooks, waiting for the seemingly inevitable betrayal...

just read Gilda vs. Knitting, I can see it's influence in your story (and that's a good thing)

if you put grand theft windmill into your story, you too will be elevated to god-like levels in my eyes

First off, loving the fic so far. Keep up the good work.

Secondly, a female reindeer is a doe.

Thirdly, the scene in the sex shop actually reminded me heavily of the similar scene in the movie "Taken"

Finally, a little advice to anybody who may be forced into fighting a semi-reality warping vigilante with pre-cog abilities. If they're great at using their pre-cog ability to dodge or deflect, then simply attack them with something that can't be dodged or deflected. The only down side is that these attacks are usually fatal. Examples would be blowing up a building they're in the middle of, making them choose between getting shot or letting an innocent bystander get shot instead, bringing the ceiling down on them, trap them in a TK field and throw them around like a rag doll, etc. No offense to Pinky, but there are two types of super beings I hate more than anything other, and those two are pre-cogs and speedsters.

I'm REALLY loving this story so far. The 'Under the Northern Lights' reference made my day, but your comments also made me realize... A good 50% of my love for this story is your depiction of The Great and Powerful Trixie. I've loved the character ever since she first showed up, and so often in the fanfiction she's depicted in she comes across as either an idiot or a wimp... Or as a rather simpleminded villain liable to come up with rather threadbare schemes. This version of Trixie? 100% awesome, fits canon characterization and the fic's plot well, and somehow bizarrely still a character I can see Twilight hooking up with to an extent. Really good stuff.

Also nice to see Gilda as a genuinely badass protagonist. Her griffonlike ruthlessness makes a nice contrast to the 'nice' ponies, the 'bad' ponies, and of course Trixie. I also like the fact that you're not afraid to set the storyline a few years after canon. Kudos to that. I can understand an author's reluctance to 'invalidate' their version of the MLPverse by speculating on where the cast will be in a few years, but ageing them up a few years adds an excellent kind of realism and interest to the backstory and lets the minor diversions from their earlier canon presentation ring truer.

>>341934341934

High five for being a UTNL fan !

You pretty much hit the nail on the head about the three main characterisations of Trixie. Idiot Trixie feels wrong because it's not really canon. It's canon if she's so massively arrogant that she ends up doing stupid things, but when she's just written as a bog-standard fool it jars. Woobie/wimpy Trixie and Villian Trixie aren't necessarily bad, but 90% of them are some variation of 'Trixie nearly starves in the forest and just wants to be loved', 'Trixie's had hard life and is sad' or 'Trixie is bitter about ponyville and wants to bring about it's destruction'. Once you've seen a good sadfic, you've seen them all.

The exception to that rule are sadfics where Scootaloo gets adopted by Rainbow Dash. There can never be enough Scootalove.

Setting the story nearly a decade after the show was kind of a necessity, because otherwise I'd either be using entirely different characters or be writing a story where the protagonists have just entered the spy game; and I didn't want to do either of those things. I'd feel like I was writing the Young James Bond series. And the Young James Bond series fucking blows.

This is the kind of fic I want write: black ops, lovably selfish characters, setting bad people on fire...

Oh, and thanks for letting us know Under the Northern Lights, It's a good read.

If I may give a rec for Trixiefic, you may want check out RainbowDoubleDash's Lunaverse.

Ah, the wet-works business. And there's always a place for the utter horrible karmic deaths of bastards in my fic reading. I am most interested, especially in the "wider world" sense I'm getting.

As a complete aside and more than a little shameless self-promotion, I notice that there's a lot of Trixie fic discussion going on here. I'd just like to mention my relevant fic, Another Kind of Magic.

It's an alternate-universe deal handling Trixie growing up alongside Twilight. The resultant Trixie takes up the Element of Magic in Twilight's place, but she's also not one to shy from combat. The entire fic grew out of a fight scene with Nightmare Moon, in fact - her cutie mark and style combine to make her quite good at combat, in my opinion. Feint, feint, rocket-to-the-face. And as far as illusions go, there's very little as effective as a flash grenade in our modern world to disorient people. Trixie's equivalent? A magnesium-flare spell right in front of the eyes of her target. That's going to basically set the entire back-brain visual area going into pain-based meltdown.

I've also been told I managed to maintain the snark levels high enough, which is good.

Double secret......is the clan leader's name Vernon?  

>>388034388034

Amoral, sociopathic and sneaky is no way to go through life.

You have no idea how much I love this fic.

My gustas pierce the celestial plane and give the gods multiple orgasms.

Okay, very cool here. Dash and Trixie... odd couple to the extreme. As an aside, I always felt Trixie would harbor more acrimonious feelings to Dash rather than Twilight. "Magic schmagic, boo!" anyone? One of the reasons my sympathies lie with the blue Unicorn.

Some great action, subterfuge and the like. A typo here and there, though. Nothing huge. And thank you so much for not pulling some April Fool's post, too!

This was one Epic chapter, I can't wait for the next one

I registered for the express purpose of gushing about how much I love this story.  Easily one of my favorite pony fics to date.  More than just a crossover, it builds a world that is genuinely engrossing.  It's a delight to read and I will eagerly await every future chapter.

You have taken ponies

you have taken burn notice

you have combined them,

and together, they are better than any fanfic I've ever read.

Me gusta!

can't wait for the next one!

oh, and if this story ever goes to Baltimare, you should include a character named 'Jimmy McColty' whose's a cop and is the biggest loose cannon/a**hole ever, if you do you will be elevated to whatever is above god status, (yes this is an attempt to get a character from 'The Wire' into this story)

This is such a brilliant fic, in terms of writing style, characterization, and plot development. I know very little about the Burn Notice series, and I'm glad I don't have to know a whole lot about it to understand whats going on here. Anyone can read this fic and feel themselves engrossed in the story, and I cannot wait for more. How long have you been writing for?

Oh god. This just keeps getting better and better and

I think I'll go have a heart attack from the awesomeness in the corner now

This was pretty much completely amazing in every way. Dash's carefree and flippant perspective is a joy to read in this setting and the worldbuilding you've done here is absolutely top notch. Not even familiar with Burn Notice and I'm a huge fan :D

Please sir, could I have some more?

With all this talk of dream-based potions, I'm totally feeling an Inception-inspired mission.

"How in equestria can we extract this intel from our target?"

"I'll see what I can do"

Curse the limitations of this particular medium! One of my favorite aspects of Burn Notice are when allies/clients/villains are shown in freezeframe, Their names pop up, and then some amusing description about them follows. I'm trying so hard to do that for scenes like Pinkie Pie's dynamic entry but damn I kinda wish this was animated...

>>396657396657

I've written little bits and bobs before, but you could count them on two hands and none of them passed the ten page mark. Banishment Decree is the first thing I've seriously got into writing. I've only been able to get it all down because I know there are fans reading it (and I hate waiting forever for the fanfics I follow), so thanks a ton for reading and for feedback!