Twilight has always wanted a big sister, Cadence has always wanted a little sister, now thanks to each other their wishes can finally come true. A new adventure in every chapter!
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 27th Dec, 2012
- offline last seen April 12th
WriteAboutHorses
I've been watching MLP since 2012, and though I don't consider myself an amazing writer, I love to make something out of the ideas I occasionally get.
WriteAboutHorses
Joined 27th Dec, 2012 ·
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This was stupid. There's not much more to say. Read over it aloud and see if the plot sounds reasonable.
2401789 What this dude said.
Nyeh. Could be better, could be much worse.
Remember this. By the way, that quotation is missing its punctuation.
Apostrophised plural. Grrr.
But besides that, why did the spell have to be alicorn-specific? I can imagine a counterspell being useful and possible to unicorns of any kind. Kind of a moot point anyway, since:
Could be in dialogue. Also, if she's an improper alicorn, I could imagine her actually not having access to the strongest magicka. I understand that maybe you wanted to tell a different story, but her show behaviour actually shows fairly clearly that, if she became an alicorn, she likely was a unicorn before it. (Since she used her wings for like ten seconds in the entire show without flapping them once.)
It'd also make more sense, since there's not much a pegasus can do with the power of love. But I'm just nitpicking at this point.
Overall, you're a new author. Obviously. That means that at points, talent shines through the text, while the lack of practice comes through at others. Your language is surprisingly correct, (You'd wouldn't believe me if I told you how often that is not granted,) though there are a few run-on sentences and improper transitions between dialogue and description. Check the writing guide for guidance.
I feel like there are more paragraphs than there need to be, as a few elements could easily be integrated into somepony's speech line. Lastly, this is a common thing amongst new ones, don't be hellbent on putting in every idea you have. Example?
The stil of continously naming new conditions is nice, if it was intended. However, the tag of her perfecting the light spell is fairly unnecessary. It pushes the sentence into run-on-ness and provides us with information which we do not need. Wouldn't it work if you simply said that her only source of light was such a spell?
And truly lastly, I lied last time, there are a few occasions in the text where you seem to repeat your ideas. If it's been sufficiently outlined in a sentence, you can usually let it rest, maybe tangent it with a few more. Hell, if you know what you're doing, you can bring a lot of ideas across without actually spelling them out. To take the first example that came to my mind, straight out of my novel,
Does she like foals?
Anyhow. On that note, I just realised that there isn't really much description in your fic to speak of. Tell us how the surroundings look, the more the (usually, to a certain extent) better. Once again, subtlety can really pay off. Work the descriptions into the text itself without making them its main purpose. Something like the following.
And as the very last point, why would you have the foalsitter come apparently five minutes before bedtime? Overall, the time that they spend together and that between her going to sleep and the family coming back seems to be cut unnaturally short.
I'm a sucker for any fic with cadence in it but this just seems redundant to me. I feel like so little happened in this chapter that it wasn't even necessary. It was very poor exposition, how Shining kissed Cadence, you didn't say prior that they were in a relationship, it just sort of happened. Maybe spend more time explaining things indepth? And perhaps develop a base to build your story on before starting the plot. I can tell that this fic has potential and I'm sure you're a good writer so I'll wait to see how the next chapter turns out. I'm sure it'll be great!
2401950
To be fair, in "Twilight Sparkle and the Crystal Heart" it is revealed that Cadance was indeed a pegasus before becoming an alicorn. So it's canon that Cadance was a pegasus, not a unicorn.
I haven't read the story yet, wanted to read the reviews before and noticed this. Now to see if the story is good or not.
2402068 Non-show canon, eh? Well, if you want to go that way, go you. I prefer to stick with my augmented show canon, but I suppose a canon book is a valid source too.
...hmmm. It's an interesting concept, but poorly executed. There was no bonding between the two, and like what other people have already said, you tend to make run on sentences. Plus it just seems rushed. This feels like a rough draft, and not a final product. But you're a beginner and surprisingly you did pretty well. I didn't really notice any HUGE errors, but you may want to get a pre-reader. In fact I highly recommend getting yourself a pre-reader.
Cadence and Twilight seemed slightly out of character, I can't imagine Cadence saying "kiddo"
The first chapter seemed rushed, one minute Twilight didn't want her there, next she's fine with it. Take your time with it, don't rush it too much. Maybe have more with Twilight not liking her.
The fanon and unofficial cannon has said Twilight's father is named Night Light.
Just keep these in mind maybe revise the chapter.
Thanks for the feedback, I'll try do better with the next chapters, explore their characters a bit and maybe show some of Cadence's alicorn magic
I agree with the above. There's nothing wrong per se, but there's not much that's especially interesting of stands out.
Still, I think it has potential. I guess I'll watch it and see where it goes.
i like the idea, but like other people said it was just little too rushed. I mean, If Shining Armor liked her, i don't think he would just kiss her out of the blue, and don't you think Cadence would be a little more surprised about the kiss? That whole paragraph about the kiss just seems kind of out of place to me. Other than the rushing, I think this was a pretty good read. I'll be following to see how it turns out.
well I don't know about you, but I want to see more of this story
I really like this story hope to read more soon
update?
i know i commented on this chapter before and i am sorry to bug you i was just wondering if by any chance you know when you might post next chapter
i understand that life can get in the way and i don't want to rash you or anything i just asking if you don't know that is okay and take your time on making a grate chapter
5895475
It's ok, you're not bothering me at all. I actually have most of a second chapter written out, but I've been stuck on how to make the last bit work for a few months now. I've been coming to Fimfiction a lot less lately, and I've been updating way less frequently, so naturally there's a lot less work getting done, and there's another project I'm currently working on, but this is one of my most popular stories and I don't plan on forgetting about it anytime soon
Expect Chapter 2 sometime soon
5912779 that is grate news thank you for letting me know
The story was short. I found very little to no mistakes, and it wasn't a corny version of what most people write, I hope to see the next chapter sometime soon, and if you need ideas maybe I could help.