The Forces of Chaos

Young Screwball Chaos misses her daddy and wants nothing more than for him to come back. Will she get her wish? If so, at what cost? For Screwball is only the beginning. For every force, there must be another equal and opposite. As there are the Elements of Harmony, so there must also be the Forces of Chaos.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 3
- Newest First
- Oldest First

SixRoller

SixRoller #1 · Apr 9th, 2013 · · ·

You've made many grammatical errors in your description. I suggest you rectify that.

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #2 · Apr 9th, 2013 · · ·

The key to a good description is to draw your reader in. To do this, it should be concise and to the point, outlining your story's premise without giving too much away or being dull. It should also be grammatically sound.

With that in mind, let's give your description a little TLC. Grammar_purge.exe, go!

This story of Screwball's life starts in her elementary playground. Young Screwball Chaos misses her daddy and wants nothing more than for him to come back. Will she get her wish? If so, at what cost? This story is a tale of betrayal and bravery, love and sacrifice, and above all, the lost chapters of young Screwball's life.
However, Screwball is only the beginning. For every force, there must be an equal and opposite force. As there are the Elements of Harmony, there must be the Forces of Chaos.

Lovely. Now let's trim a little excess and tighten this up.

~~This story of Screwball's life starts in her elementary playground.~~ Young Screwball Chaos misses her daddy and wants nothing more than for him to come back. Will she get her wish? If so, at what cost? ~~This story is a tale of betrayal and bravery, love and sacrifice, and above all, the lost chapters of young Screwball's life.~~
~~However,~~ For Screwball is only the beginning. For every force, there must be another equal and opposite ~~force~~. As there are the Elements of Harmony, so there must also be the Forces of Chaos.

All right, let's see what we have.

Young Screwball Chaos misses her daddy and wants nothing more than for him to come back. Will she get her wish? If so, at what cost? For Screwball is only the beginning. For every force, there must be another equal and opposite. As there are the Elements of Harmony, so there must also be the Forces of Chaos.

Much better. Two-thirds the length of the original, it gets to the point, it's compelling, and it's grammatically correct. Granted, this only helps if the story itself is well-written, but that's another topic entirely.

Cheers!