Chapter 9- Sweet and Sour
The Cutie Mark Crusaders clubhouse sat in a secluded part of Sweet Apple Acres, the area was so quiet around it that we could hear the giggles of Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom from a mile off.
I sigh shakily before looking at Rainbow Dash. “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea...”
“I’m like you kid,” Rainbow starts, “I would push every pony away, try to stop them from seeing how much I hurt. But, when I pushed them away I hurt myself even more... I hurt them too. It was stupid, and it’s what you’re doing now, squirt.”
I look up at my idol and frown slightly, what am I going to do? I can’t go up to them and ruin their lives again... Anyway, I cannot stand Cloud Chaser, I hate him.
I sigh and realise that Rainbow has now landed in front of the clubhouse. I look at her in fear.
“Can you stay here, please?” I hold onto her. “In case it all goes wrong...”
My role model smiles and nods, “But it isn’t going to go wrong, is it?”
I hear Sweetie Belle singing, her sweet voice calms me down instantly and without thinking I walk up the ramp. It's as if she's drawing me in, like a siren.
Every pony stops laughing and talking once I reach the door. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom stare at me for a few moments before running over to me and hugging me.
“Scoots! We thought y’all would never come back!” Apple Bloom hugs me tighter.
“Yeah, I missed you Scoots,” Sweetie sniffles.
Tears fill my eyes as I hold them tighter. I know that I’m ruining their lives by being here but it hurts to be away from them, they’re my only family to be honest. Excluding Dash, of course.
Cloud Chaser clears his throat, “Sorry to interrupt but we were supposed to go hang-gliding...”
“Oh, we’ve already done that...” I frown in confusion.
“Yeah, but I haven’t!” Cloud Chaser argues.
Anger fills me and I immediately try to keep my cool. “There’s no point though, we aren’t going to get cutie marks from it, that’s the majority of us... Didn’t we have fishing on our list?”
“We already went fishing,” Cloud Chaser smirks.
It’s as if someone has poured a bucket of ice cold water over me. They went crusading without me? We always go crusading together, always. If one of us can’t make it then we don’t crusade for that day.
“Y-you...” I stutter, trying to find the words, “You went crusading without me?”
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle awkwardly look at the ground, kicking their hoofs on the small rug which is in the middle of our clubhouse.
I look between my friends. “You should go hang-gliding, I sucked at it anyway, just come around when you’re all doing something else okay?”
Sweetie Belle steps forward. “How about I hang out with you for today since I was rubbish at hang-gliding too!”
“You have to come though, Sweetie!” Cloud Chaser frowns, “It won’t be the same without you!”
Sweetie Belle shakes her head and puts a hoof around my shoulder. “I’m sorry but I’m going to spend the day with my best friend.”
For the first time in weeks my insides feel warm and happy, I feel like I actually have a hope, that I’m actually cared about. I watch Sweetie Belle skip down the ramp happily to go and talk to Rainbow Dash, before turning to Apple Bloom.
“I take it you’re going to stay?” I ask sadly.
“Yeah, bu’ I will make sure to hang out with ya tomorrow or somethin’,” she walks over and hugs me tightly.
I can smell her sweet apple scent since her mane is in my face. I didn’t realise how much I missed my friends until now, with
Apple Bloom pulling away to look at Cloud Chaser. I can tell from the way they look at each-other, the way he puts his wing around her, that they are a little more than ‘just friends’. I guess I’ll have to ask Sweetie about that.
“Okay, catch you later, I guess.” I shrug and walk towards the two ponies waiting at the bottom of the ramp.
The cyan Pegasus smiles and hugs me.“See squirt, I told you that it’d be okay!”
I shrug and smile, “Okay Dashie, well I’m gonna hang out with Sweetie for a bit, if that’s okay with you?”
Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes and nods.“Sure, getting rid of me I see.”
I feel my cheeks heat up as they turn a deep cherry red, I try to make up for what I said, “No, no! I mean, I don’t want to get rid of you, we can go flying later if you want, I’m sorry I-“
Rainbow’s laughter cuts me off, “Jheez kid, I’m only joking, I’ll catch you later!”
I blush even more as she flies off, her laughter echoing as she travels further and further away.
“Sugar Cube Corner?” Sweetie Belle asks.
“I’ll race you!” I grin and start sprinting towards the exit.
Sweetie Belle giggles behind me as we race through the trees, finally everything is getting better.
****
A cupcake with pink butter-icing is placed down in front of me next to a chocolate milkshake.
I stare at Pinkie Pie in shock since neither I nor Sweetie asked for these.
“It’s on the house, silly filly,” she jumps up and down on the spot. “And the same for you, Sweetie!”
She places another pink iced cupcake in front of Sweetie. We look at each-other and shrug before taking a bite of the delicious cupcake.
“I’m just so glad that you’re friends again,” Pinkie blabbers on, “I mean I saw Rainbow earlier and she seemed pretty happy, which has been a rarity lately... hehe, rarity, like your sister Rarity! That’s funny! Anyway, I said ‘Hey Dashie!’ and she said ‘Hey Pinkie,’ and then I saw Twilight and-“
I block out the sound of Pinkie’s chattering before turning to Sweetie, “So, what’s been going on with Cloud Chaser and Apple Bloom?”
Sweetie Belle rolls her eyes as she takes another bite into her cupcake, getting some pink frosting on her nose, I giggle slightly before waiting to hear what she has to say.
“I don’t know, they started flirting the other day and it was really awkward,” she frowns slightly, “And then yesterday we had just finished crusading, and they kissed so I said that I was going to leave...”
I feel a pang of guilt as I see my best friends face, she must have felt so left out the past few days. She probably felt as bad as I did, maybe even worse.
“So why didn’t you guys come and get me to crusade with you?” I take a sip of the milkshake and shiver as the cold, sweet liquid trickles down my throat.
“Well the first day you were too upset, so we obviously wanted to give you a break...” She says and I nod, knowing that she did the right thing, I was a mess, “But the second day I wanted to go but Cloud Chaser said that we shouldn’t and when Apple Bloom tried to disagree he started flirting with her... So it was two against one. I’m sorry Scoots, I should have come to see you at least.”
“It’s fine, Sweetie, really,” I contemplate whether or not I should continue on with my statement, then decide that it seems like Sweetie doesn’t like ‘Chase’ either so I carry on, “But I don’t really like Cloud Chaser very much.”
Like I guessed, Sweetie Belle shakes her head; she pulls a face as if she’s had something sour.
“No, I don’t either. He’s horrible, and I think he’s using Apple Bloom too,” She mutters sadly, “And we can’t do anything about it.”
“We’ll see about that,” I smile bitter-sweetly, “Anyway, I need to go home, come around tomorrow okay?”
The white Unicorn nods and we hug before we part ways.
I run home with a smile on my face, I smile so much my cheeks hurt, I smile as if I’m never going to stop smiling, but once I step through the door I know my smile will be disappearing pretty soon...
Here are some general rules of thumb you could abide by to make your writing a little neat.
In terms of mechanical prose and literary feel, you're about a 3 out of 5. Not bad, but not amazing either. You could do little things to tweak your writing feel that will, in my opinion obviously, improve everything.
This time around (or until I actually comb through everything thoroughly) I will only be talking about dialogue. It's rather common, the little "issues" I find, because I used to do it and someone I'm currently editing for does it as well. Now, I'm not exactly sure if what you're doing is actually wrong but to me, it looks and feels a bit wrong and it looks neater and more professional when revised.
I'm talking about the usage of commas and periods in instances of dialogue and when it is necessary to use one or the other.
You know, when you got short lines of dialogue and you might be unsure if a period might work better than a comma?
Well, here's one tip that I'm abiding now that I have grown quite satisfied with.
Instances where a character performs an action where speech, or any other action involving their mouth, is not involved, use a period. The opposite scenario requires a comma, otherwise.
Simply put; if your character is, say, dancing while talking, you can use a period instead of a comma. But, if they're smiling, laughing, pouting, or doing whatever else they can with their mouths, a comma is better.
Take this:
“Okay, catch you later, I guess,” I shrug and walk towards the two ponies waiting at the bottom of the ramp.
See, since Scoots shrugged, an action not involving her mouth, a period after the dialogue would be more appropriate instead of a comma. So, it would go:
“Okay, catch you later, I guess.” I shrug and walk towards the two ponies waiting at the bottom of the ramp.
It's a small little thing, obviously, but to me makes everything look a bit neater.
Now, say Scoots didn't shrug and did something else.
“Okay, catch you later, I guess," I pouted slightly, looking between them trying to read their expressions.
Since she pouted, a comma might be a little neater to put.
Things like,
s/he said (and any variation thereof)
s/he smiled
s/he mused
And anything else you could use a comma, unless of course your sentence is either exclamatory or inquisitive.
Now then, moving on to sentences before/after lines of dialogue and their importance.
So, you want to keep the story feeling fresh by avoiding constant "he said/she said" scenarios by adding a little exposition via action huh? Easy, just stick an action before a line of dialogue and there you go. But there are many instances where the punctuation after that is important. It generally goes back to what I've explained before in that any action involving mouth movement or speech should generally require a comma instead of a period.
Let's look at your first line of dialogue.
I sigh shakily before looking at Rainbow Dash, “maybe this isn’t such a good idea...”
Again, I'm not sure that there is anything technically wrong with that but to me it looks a bit sloppy. You're getting your point across, sure, but it doesn't look very good to me. It's like cleaning your room while covered in mud, the room may end up clean in the end but you're still muddy and you end up muddying up the entire process.
See, since Scoots is looking at Rainbow, there's no real reason to have a comma before the dialogue (well, unless you're not me and don't care about that sort of thing.)
A period is appropriate.
I sigh shakily before looking at Rainbow Dash. “maybe this isn’t such a good idea...”
Consequently, "maybe" should be capitalized.
I sigh shakily before looking at Rainbow Dash. “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea...”
If, however, it went differently:
I sigh shakily before looking at Rainbow Dash, and said, "Maybe this isn't such a good idea..."
But "maybe" should still be capitalized since it is the start of her sentence.
What about action in the middle of dialogue?
“Can you stay here, please?” I hold onto her, “In case it all goes wrong...”
Again, action; period.
“Can you stay here, please?” I hold onto her. “In case it all goes wrong...”
However:
“I’m like you kid,” Rainbow starts, “I would push every pony away, try to stop them from seeing how much I hurt. But, when I pushed them away I hurt myself even more... I hurt them too. It was stupid, and it’s what you’re doing now, squirt.”
Since you put, "Rainbow starts" as a way to explain that she's beginning to speak and will probably continue speaking, the comma is appropriate there.
Also, capitalization is rather important too and shouldn't be used willy-nilly otherwise things look a bit messy.
“No, I don’t either. He’s horrible, and I think he’s using Apple Bloom too,” She mutters sadly, “And we can’t do anything about it.”
For example. Since you put a comma there before the end of the first line of dialogue, there's no need to capitalize "She". Also, since her action is muttering sadly, you can go either way with a period or comma afterward (though personally, when I put instances of action breaking up dialogue, 96% of the time, I put a period after.
So, it would go like this:
“No, I don’t either. He’s horrible, and I think he’s using Apple Bloom too,” she mutters sadly. “And we can’t do anything about it.”
I hope you don't take any offense to what I'm saying, in fact I think you should be flattered in some form. I mean, I only go out of my way to help people out of kindness, not out of spite. Whether or not you heed my advice won't change my opinion of you, I just want to see this a little neat because I think it deserves it.
You're starting out, you got some good ideas and I feel that you can flourish into an amazing writer with a little discipline (not one enforced by whips, of course ).
The story is good in comparison to "average" stories here. Short and sweet, decently written, with a consistent idea behind it. Plus, I happen to like Scootaloo
2431026 Ah thank you, I will try and correct some of it, and yeah I read that whole FAQ thing before I started and it was like always use commas with dialogue so I was a bit confused! I am honestly honored that you took the time to do all of that! Thank you so much!
2430862 Ah thank you, hopefully it will go better as I go along!
2431065
No problem, happy to help a non-Dalek
I still love it :) understand the exams: I have them too soon (not SATs)
2431097 Ah, I don't have SATs either, mine are GCSE's but when I tell American's about them they don't seem to realise how important they are! They also don't get that we have to do at least 11 exams!
Good luck on your exams too by the way And I'm glad you still like my work, thank you for sticking with me!
2431091 Indeed, us non Daleks gotta stick together
2431106 Mine aren't as weighted. I'm from America and will be taking them next year, but I know your pain. (Projects, exams, projects XD)
2431469 Yeah, it's stressful, you all have finals and stuff but your grades all contribute towards it, ours doesn't... I'm technically in sophomore year... but its my last year of high school in British terms... I don't even know how to explain it... but yeah... it's confusing
Sweet, new chapter. Pretty good, glad to see that Scootaloo is atleast back with Sweetie Belle, but that dern'd Cloud Chaser is snatchin up all the Apple Blooms >:O, too bad she has to go back home. :T. still amazing bro.
2431586 There's still more to come yet And thank you!
Man, even my-close-to-always-tired-mind catches the emotion this whole fic so for conveys. Good job.
2432043 Aww thank you! I'm glad you like it!