Ancient shadows

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Thousand of years ago, one of the most evil beings in the world got locked up inside of a crystal. But now that time has passed, and the crystal relic has been found, evil shall rise again...

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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The Feline Bard

The Feline Bard #1 · Apr 1st, 2013 · · ·

Major Arcana here!
Just read this...intresting story of yours.
Aside from a few grammatical errors, I'm intrigued by this story.

Comment posted by Daring_Do deleted Apr 2nd, 2013

Daring_Do

Daring_Do #3 · Apr 2nd, 2013 · · ·

2358163
Thank you! I tried to be pretty interesting. And i hope that you'll stay with me for next chapter.

Warren Peace

Warren Peace #4 · Apr 13th, 2013 · · ·

You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...

Warren Peace

Warren Peace #5 · Apr 13th, 2013 · · ·

The land around it was saturated with fear. For a hundred years ponies have been living in this fear when the mythical Black Stallion appeared.

Ignoring the random fact that the story appears to be in all bold, don't change tenses like this. Either stick to past (was saturated) or present (have been), don't try to juggle them around.

But to make the matters even worse, this Black Stallion took the three most violent and powerful pony ponies he could find during his raids over the land, corrupting them ever so deeply with his own magic.

I might actually find this interesting to read if it weren't being relayed to me via the boring recounting of events, i.e. telling instead of showing. While some telling is needed in a story, you always want to show more than tell. This is especially the case when describing scenes like the one here. If we got to see this Black Stallion kicking flank and taking cutie marks instead of just being told that he did it, it would be far more interesting to read.

The three, a Pegasus, Unicorn, and Earth pony raced and raged through harmless villages and settlements as they consumed the powers from the lakes, crops, and above all, the life force of ponies.

See previous gripe.

Though there were some who rebelled against the Black Stallion, hearts as brave as they could become and horns and wings that were fierce enough to take an army of Changeling out in one blow.

Read that out loud and tell me that it makes sense without lying to my face.

A Unicorn with a coat as black as coal, eyes redder...

Great, another black and red antagonist. The most original color scheme ever.

Also, I just noticed that your chapter title is spelled wrong. Beginning is spelled like that <==, not like how it's spelled in the chapter title.

So yeah. The biggest issue with this is that it's got too much telling going on and not enough showing. That makes it pretty boring to read. The majority of it is also pretty cliched, badguy punches goodguy in the face, goodguy spouts one liner and pulls something magical out of his ass that stops badguy temporarily. It's all been done before. There's also quite a few oddly phrased lines, like you were trying too hard to make something stupid sound flowery or special. Don't do that.

Questions or concerns? Pm me. Otherwise good luck and farewell.
/)

Shadowblarg