Neightingham is a kingdom in the north, ruled by alicorns whose flame shields them from the cold.But the current king is a miserly tyrant.The prince...not so much.
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NeightinghamPrince1930
Joined 23rd Feb, 2013 ·
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Hm...
I can very much tell that you really put a lot of time and effort into this, and for that, a like, a follow, and constructive criticism will now ensue.
First of all, I think that as a first-time story for you on FimFiction (I have no idea if you've had other experience) this is really good. Luckily, out of the entire thing, I only found two mistakes, one of which isn't a lot.
Noodle.
Add a period at the end of that sentence.
Now, the main problem I find with this story is the fact that you don't abide by one of the more important tips to being a writer: Show; Don't tell.
When I first heard that phrase, I'll admit, I was a bit confused as to what that meant. What it means is to express the fact of something happening without telling them straightforward. For example:
It would be better if you revised that to something like this:
Not only did I revise it to let the reader on about what's happening, but I also got rid of revealing sentences, or replaced them. This affect, which I like to call "Shadowing", works with "Show; Don't tell", to build suspense, and also leaves the reader figuring out what is happening. This can be pushed to a large expense, which, the farther you stretch it, can either leave a positive or negative reaction. Two very good ways to keep a reader reading and a crowd satisfied is by building suspense and letting them sit on their asses trying to think of clever ideas as to what might happen. Then, after they come up with more and more ideas, they gain the want to read more as to figure out the truth of what it is, whether or not if they may be right. You can see this in a lot of today's books.
Another problem many writers have, especially on FimFiction, is the Gary/Mary Stu rule. A Gary or Mary Stu is an Original Character in a story that is most centered around in such a way where they are seemingly important for no reason. Others will refer to this as an OOC (Out Of Character). Many people mistake this for them having mega superpowers or a giant important role, but really, it's only a Mary/Gary Stu if the universe seems to be centered around that character. This can easily be avoided if you use an Unoriginal Character from the universe you are writing in, such as using Twilight instead of your own OC, or you could make sure that OC doesn't seem as important as Hitler. Many people, such as myself, had a vast problem with this, and this often happens worse when it is a Self-insert HIE story. ESPECIALLY if it ends with sex. An example of this you can find in a story called Living The Dream.
Other than these two facts, you did a really good job! Please DO NOT look at this as if I'm trying to scold you or make fun of you (Trust me, I made that mistake before), rather I am helping you and I look forward to your success.
Sorry if this was a really long read, I just couldn't stop typing after I got started
Yours truly,
Burritoburger
2344094
Thank you so much for reading my very first pony story!And I'm so glad you took the time to give me such helpful advice.I reread my story again and noticed a few errors,so I can edit those.But other than that, I'll try to show and not tell a little bit more in my next story.But I have a question.Can you explain to me a little bit about the Mary Sue/Gary Stu thing?Are my characters like that?
2344216
Actually, while I will agree that your characters are slightly Gary Stu, you DEFINITELY make up for it with a good story and not over-the-top insane power and stuff. It actually makes it sound like a decent character that somebody could enjoy.
Now, it is a little bit hard to explain the role of a Gary Stu, I will present an example.
Alright, there's a pony in Equestria. He is a black and red colored alicorn that is ruler of everything ever, and can either be an all-powerful tyrant or a suck-up pansy. He is the savior of the universe, using his inter-dimensional powers and supernatural friends to save the world from an evil entity known as the Darkness.
Now pretend a blue and white pegasus, working at the weather factory and lives in Cloudsdale. He has a good pay for job, and often looks up to his peers and those he respects. He lives with his younger brother, in which he has to take care of whenever he goes to school.
Now tell me, which one of those two was the Gary Stu?
If you picked the first one, you are correct, he is the Gary Stu. Why? Because the whole world is centered around him. Adding to it, the author may let his Gary Stu have a deep relationship with Princess Luna and then proceeds to have sex with her and produce a lovely alicornian baby.
The reason a Gary Stu is very bad to a story is because a Gary Stu is designed for the author to like ONLY, which creates an unbelievable amount unwanting from the viewers. Any more questions?
2344272
No,I don't have any more questions.But thanks for the positive criticism.I was planning on writing a sequel to this,and I want to make sure my characters are ok.And I'll be sure to use your advice and use some canon ponies in my next story.