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Princess Luna is responsible for her precious night court after the defeat of Discord.
Every night, she had to sit idly in the empty throne hall and had to fight her boredom, but everything changed when a pale pegasus entered the hall.
Her saddened heart will waver and she will finally turn into the being she was supposed to be.
******
Please comment. I'm considering to quit writing, so I want to hear some people's opinion.
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Awesome! Please don't quit writing, I think this is truly amazing.
3739224
Thank you very much. This really cheers me up.
If you liked it, you may like my other stories, too. I can really recommend the Darkness among the Stars and the sequel.
You're considering quitting your writing? Interesting. Though I must ask, do you write for yourself or for others? Are you discouraged or tired?
The Bads:
Your story could use a good prereader... or another.
There were words missing that could have improved the flow of the story and grammar mistakes, mostly dealing with punctuation. Words that you choose to use felt like some of the ideas were being forced or you were attempting to explain it in a grand way that came off as unnecessary.
Pacing was a bit bleh for me as well, rushing somethings, and dragging others out.
Luna felt... well, odd. Depressed sometimes, angry the other times. She didn't strike me as being Luna, but out of character somehow.
At the very end, when Luna transformed into Nightmare Moon, I didn't feel any of the drama, terror, or anger that is usually felt in such transformations.
Somethings that could help out:
There also didn't seem to be that much of a relationship between Luna and Astral. Perhaps if there had been a few more paragraphs on their relationship building up into a friendship, like him coming to her for a few nights, play chess or something, introduce the grandkids, etc. THEN when he dies there would be a greater sense of loss, emotion, and a more believable transformation into Nightmare Moon.
What was the time elapse between Discord's defeat and rebellion of the Moon? Has Luna had these thoughts for a while or are they recent flames of anger?
The Goods:
I love these kinds of stories because of the drama and anger that is felt. Luna also (usually, some stories are different) pulls my favorite plot idea with a hero; their fall into what they swore to fight against. So props on the story idea, and for the twist with it.
3739322
Since I'm not a native english speaker, I don't see many mistakes, but I was well aware that they may be a few (or more) of them.
I wrote this story in 4 hours. So it was rather quick. I just wanted that people would talk to me kinda...
It is a mix of being discouraged and tired. It feels simply like I never gonna make it far... Since feedback in general stopped.
3739375
Ahh. I see. Well, don't get discouraged. You're doing a good job so far, and the more you work at it, the better you'll become.
Have you tried joining any groups that specialize in getting comments and feedback from others?
3739932
Sure, I'm in groups like struggling authors, but well... You see how much reactions there are.
What really bugs me is that my by far best story "Death's Bargain" got almost none attention at all. I put so much work in "my masterpiece", but well...
This is mostly the reason, why I lost my courage. Maybe this is just my opinion, it would help me if people would reasonable tell me that it is badly written or anything like it.
3739322
I second that.
I took a few days to read this, because I now have over 70 stories in my to read list. I'm concentrating on the finished ones right now, so your story made it to the front.
It is always difficult for non-native speakers (like myself) to get a good grasp of a language. Especially when your native language is not related to english (Unlike mine. I'm german, so that's working out pretty well for me).
My recommendation would be to read more english literature and watch movies and tv series in english. Preferably non-action stuff (one-liners don't really help).
The rest has already been said...
3744749
Well, this is exactly what I'm doing so... ^^
Polish and english is not really alike, but thank you very much for the comment
3743595
I've written this post about a dozen times now. Trying to find something inspirational, or a way to help you understand that you are doing good here. I know where you are coming from, its disheartening to see something you worked on get little to no response from the site. Especially when you see others hit it so well on their first try.
But I keep failing beyond the words of "Don't give up".
3747182
Well, maybe I will find some inspiration after a little break.
Thank you a lot.
3739375
I loved your story and if you ever need ideas just talk to me i dont mind if english is your first language im bad at it too
3750694
Thanks, I will keep it in mind