BlackM
Joined 8th Oct, 2011 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- BlackM · 84k words · 277 21 · 7.7k views
- chief maximus · 3.4k words · 175 10 · 5.5k views
- BlackM · 9.9k words · 129 4 · 3.7k views
- Crowquill Symphony · 9.3k words · 200 10 · 11k views
- cxzyzx · 1.5k words · 297 20 · 7.5k views
- Crowquill Symphony · 3.6k words · 83 7 · 3.6k views
- Cloperella · 30k words · 342 26 · 14k views
Featured In9
Clopfics11,546 stories ·15,814 members
- MacDash fiction87 stories ·366 members
- finished208 stories ·17 members
- gc21 stories ·2 members
High-Quality Mature Fiction597 stories ·3,082 members
- HeteroDash117 stories ·169 members
Straight Shipping6,611 stories ·2,892 members
Stories on Goodreads28,599 stories ·492 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.162 seconds
Total duration
1,025 users online
1,540,797 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I only skimmed across it because Holybuckthatsalotofwords
andBigmac
going at it
From what I did read its not really a story persea more of just Rainbow
Ill give you 3 stars for effort because my whole fanfic is not even half of this.
From what i did read there's not too much spelling and grammar
Keep up your work im sure you will do fine
This was actually a very good fic. Five stars from me.
Sweet end.
It ended up being very well-paced, and didn't feel like 11.6k+ words.
MOAR CONTINUE!!!! SEQUEL!!!
FANTASTIC! 5 STAR CONTENT!
THE GOOD
- Solid description overall, with a few purple-y slip ups. Reads well overall.
- Characterization is generally accurate.
- There's some heart to the power dynamic of their relationship, so Dash being assertive and Mac being somewhat submissive does not come off as a creepy sex fetish. Nice job, there.
THE BAD
- Dash's speaking pattern needs some work. She's not at all out of character, but her voice on the show is pretty distinctive and ought to surface more in the dialog.
- This story needs some sort of introduction to the scene.
THE UGLY
- This story NEEDS some sort of introduction to the scene! You cannot, I repeat, CANNOT just jump into the clopping shit if you want to write a quality clopfic! Quite frankly the lack of any sort of setup, introductory scene, exposition, or anything of that sort at the beginning of this fic is a damn shame, because the rest of it is rather good. I'm honestly not sure how you missed this one. Did you write an introduction, then edit it out? You do a solid job of conveying the emotional states of the characters, but this story can be so much more if give the audience a context, first. TL;DR Do not just jump straight into the sex scene, it detracts from the fic.
That said, nice work.
181345
I figured the lack of introduction would be an issue, but I didn't start with one. Quite frankly, I never intended for an intro. I just started writing this out of an incentive.
I actually tried to work around that by leaving bits and pieces of the setting and motives all throughout the story. Although that came in, like, halfway into the first page.
Ironically, I thought an intro would detract from the story. Maybe because I find it hard to start intros without feeling repetitive. I think I start most of my fics and chapters the same. I wanted to try something different. That and I felt a sudden urge to write MacDash clop.
As for Dash's voice, do you mean during or after the sex? I'm not sure which one I did right.
That was very well done for your first clopfic. I could learn to take a few pointers from this when I write another clopfic;
On second thought, my problem with Dash's voice is more a byproduct of my initial problem with the fic (no introduction or scene-setting to establish the characters) than the dialog itself. So, forget that. With a lead-up to establish their relationship in place, I wouldn't have any problem with the dialog.
Note that I'm not suggesting you can't start stories in medias res, only that romance fiction, and erotic fiction in particular, nearly always benefits from a gradual build-up toward the 'romantic' sections. It's difficult for readers to understand and relate to hazy concepts like love, desire, compassion, etc., without seeing them develop first. If you just say, X and Y character are in love, then your reader has grounds to call BS on that statement because he hasn't seen it grow and thus can't understand it.
You do establish this connection in your story, but you establish it during a sex scene, which kind of distracts from the point. If you established their relationship right away with a quick few paragraphs of scene-setting or exposition, the clop scene would feel more genuine, imo. Not to say that the fic was ruined — I'd still give it a 5/5 — but you did squander some potential, considering the quality of the writing.
Favorited!
I can only quote the legendary protonjon (correct me if I'm wrong - been a long time since I've watched LPs): I like FUN! F-U-UN!
dawww
i liked it, because it's good clop.
the pairing, i don't care for, but eh.
it just... moved a little slow. mostly due to being over descriptive. sometimes less is more.
First of all, I love how you put Rainbow Dash with a male, because I cannot stand AppleDash fics.
But, sorry to be a troll, Mad Brochacho is right. Jumping right in isn't the best idea. You explained it a little later, so that's good.
But I digress.
I loved it! I would hit the track button if there were more chapters coming, but there aren't.
Overall great, keep it up!
read everyword and twidash just lost to macdash
181994
what about LunaDashScratch? does it still win out?
pretty good, but I'm more of a Twimac
Clop with high ratings?
Curious.
I believe I shall investigate.
182042those were my favorite charichters from the three groups (side, mane, bacground) when i was new to the brony community now it would be coratwiscratch
182115
oh, when i see two+ characters right next to each, in name, i presume shipping. my bad.
My goodness, that was magnificent, that was Elysium, that was absolutely phenomenal! Te description, the detail, the d'aww moments at the end, just everything was amazing. I feel as though I should've bought you dinner or something though.This is truly 5 star material, rate up, and write on sir!
I should hate myself for reading this...but this was really good. It was so d'awww, the characters were in character and it was well written. By the end of the fic you really think it'll work for them. I'm a huge fan of Mac x Dash. It's a rare shipping, but you made it work. It deserves 5 stars. I support an adorable non clop sequel.
Peace Out.
182127i realy did like lunadash for awhile it was my fav now its lunacora or if oc's are allowed zeafin
First time writing clop. Please critique generously.
This should be OK.
12000 words
O.O
Perfectly writen
4.bp.blogspot.com/_-3MG6htEz9A/SWl3aRCj7oI/AAAAAAAAAO0/jskdJdMQ22A/s400/its-beautiful.jpg
Five stars and favorited. Keep up the good work and write more clopfiction, you are good at it.
I didnt like for one reason, and one reason only... It hurts my soul to read rainbow dash doing it with macintosh...
'zooms off'
RD: What are you talking about?
Me: Nothing...
but anyways, other than that, it was very well written, perfect amount of detail, and long enough to satisfy anybody. I may have not have liked the combination, but I'm sure many others did.
RD: Lemme read it!
Me: NOOO!!!
RD:
Me: ...i mean, why don't you go clear the skies? How fast can you clear it?
RD: Faster than anypony else!
Me: ...god, i love her...
I find it strange that there are always more people reading clopfic than other stories.
I saw this at the top of the home page, and wondered what reason was causing clob to be so well received. Also, since you asked for criticism, here it is. I think that starting the story in medias res worked for the reason that the story wasn't (and correct me if I'm wrong) about the sex; it was about the emotional relationship between the two of them, and sex was merely the backdrop on which it was explored. Which you did exceedingly well. The only thing I would point out to improve would be the use of commas where semi-colons or dashes (no pun intended) would have been more appropriate, and that wasn't very frequent. Amazing job overall.
182564
You hit it right on the head. That was exactly the reason I started at beginning of the action. Congrats to you.
And I have a strange attraction to semicolons, they always seem redundant to me. Like, I write a good sentence, and then I feel like making it better by adding a little extra. When I find myself using semicolons a lot I realize something, it's in my writing style. I don't know if this should irk me or worry me, it could be a problem.
Is it?
182578 Kurt Vonnegut famously said that the only reason to use a semicolon is to prove that you've been to college. I find myself agreeing with him, but at the same time, I am tempted to use them frequently because the way I speak, when written down, requires the use of semicolons to be grammatically correct. So my opinion is that if you find that you are using them frequently, you need to look at the offending sentence and ask if it could be expressed in a way where a colon joining the two clauses with a conjunction still conveys the meaning you wanted. If so, change it. If not, rock that semicolon.
182609
Gotcha. Thanks.
I've been using shorter sentences in my newer pieces now. Hopefully that'll clear things up.
182620 You're very welcome, and happy writing! I look forward to reading whatever else you may write.
i
when 
said 
just jelly of 
1.bp.blogspot.com/_Ab8rL6jsc8o/TD4Yvlz2NPI/AAAAAAAAABc/l0DbBF-21Ek/S748/tumblr_l05kd0yVjN1qbuemxo1_r1_400.jpg
My God, it's full of win!
Are you sure this is your first clop fic?
Because that was an amazing story, and it even had emotions that were actually explained!
5 stars!
"Secret Butt Fun"
Am I the only one that wondered what Granny Smith thought of all this?
28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lquwatRPh11r1jxuxo1_400.jpg
Okay, so you've gotten a lot of praise so far, and it's all very well deserved. Your writing is great. However, there are several things that I think bogged your story down, so in the interest of making your future stories even better, constructive criticism ahoy!
First of all, the in media res style. Yes, it worked for this story, sorta. But the decision to write your story that way is also kinda the source of most of my further complaints. By starting with the action and having no build-up, you're forced to either have no story whatsoever, or to try and intersperse the story with the action. You did this well, but it still hurt the story overall. Why?
Flow. Any action-based story, and even more so for erotic stories, is driven by its flow and pacing. Your flow, because of your constant breaks for story-building, is choppy. Part of this flow issue could be solved by doing a proper build-up before jumping into the sex, but another issue is in your style of writing. You take constant breaks to become incredibly descriptive, either of an action taking place, or how a character is feeling at the moment. While I see where you're coming from with these, they are too much weight. You should try to ease back on the heavy details, and allow the readers' imagination to do more of the work. Again, this is especially important for erotic stories. Too much detail feels clinical and overdrawn. Know when to take a paragraph of mechanical detail and pare it down to one sentence of metaphor.
Lastly, don't be too afraid of readers misinterpreting your writing. If I understand you from what I've read, you compose stories the same way I do: by envisioning all the details, including the thoughts, feelings, actions, and motivations of each character at all times. The plot of the story basically writes itself in your head, because you intuitively understand the action each character takes. Unfortunately, this shows itself in your writing because you seem to want to make sure your reader sees and understands exactly what you do about each character, action, and motivation. As an example, the following segment:
"The stallion continued to lick wherever he had spotted any visible fluids, but didn’t go any further than south. He wasn’t into that. Thankfully, neither was she."
This inclusion, honestly, was entirely unnecessary. In your mind, Mac has no interest in anal play, and neither does Dash. Those are the characters as you see them. Cool. Great. The reader doesn't need to be told that. Let them assume it based on the lack of anal play between the two, or let them fill in the desire for themself. No matter how hard you try, no reader will see your world exactly as you saw it in your head, and that's okay. But trying too hard to insure that, or even force your reader to see your way will only hurt your writing.
You wrote a very strong, very enjoyable story that reached nearly 12000 words. In my opinion, it could have been better around 9000. You have a lot of talent, and a lot of potential, and I hope this massive wall of text helps you come closer to it. If you can learn to relax and let your story breathe a bit more and flow more freely and smoothly, you can be amazing.
I'll be watching you.
184609
Thank you for the review. I'll take note of those tips in future writing.
The more I think about this story, the more I realize it's more shippy than it is clop. I really wonder if that alters anything about the story.
I disagree. I believe that an introduction would have detracted from the story. The dive strait in wasn't so much of a dive as a gradual walk, and I find it to be a nice change of scenery. And the lack of exposition made the ending have that much more of an impact.
5/5 my good sir, and if this is truly your first Clopfiction, I want to see what you practiced looks like.
-Delta-
184618
Only that it makes it AWESOME! It's a fantastic read not only in the "clop" sense, but also on the emotional level. This is something that is seen in few clopfics. So BRAVO!
Please, please, please add something else to this! its absolutely out fucking standing! you my friend are a master! But please why would you leave us on a cliffhanger like that?
are you ever going to write more things with Dash and Mac? If not will you do so? this is a masterpiece in itself and i really want to see this continued 
I really appreciate that you took the time to explore their emotions, instead of just doing clop. There are more than enough trolling/shallow clop fics.
Have a paragraph of me talking about things I don't actually know about or have experience with:
. And yet, sex lives are actually quite vital to relationships. For that reason, clop that is truly good isn't good because of the sex. It's good because it shows us more about the characters and their relationship. Forget some of the criticism other people gave you (no don't, people gave you REALLY GOOD criticism 
), you used the clop as a way to explain and develop the MacDash relationship in a way that was perfectly reasoned and flaw(mostly)lessly delivered. That, right there good sir, is what makes this incredible. 
Sex is a surprisingly effective way to convey relationships and emotions. Especially in something like FiM, where we already know the characters, sex can delve deeper into the characters and prove their personalities far better than other methods. People have started to look at sex as a thing for fun and not so much as an important factor to relationships
Geez, there were no good places to put pony faces in the rest of this comment, so I ended up adding them all in stupid places. Meh.
I loved it, and in media res really made this great. bonus frater laborat. Tu sum optima scripto. Et ego amo tibi fanfiction xD
^ Latin btw
As for porblems in the fic, only 2 that I can see, first ponies don't have arms, they have fore and hind legs, and next ponies don't really have chins per say, a better word is "muzzle". ;) looking forward to more of your work.
First of all awesome story. I have to say It's almost unbelievable this is your first clopfic. Seriously jelly. I'm kinda playing around with the idea of writing a fic (not clopfic). If I ever get around to it I can only hope it has half as good character development as this story. Great job.
This is both sexy and sweet! Gosh, I'm all warm now. Good job!
Yea Big Mac, Getting with RD way to be boy
His breathing paced quicker as he watched her hoof go up and down. Rainbow Dash noticed this and let herself smirk.
And I'll have to finish this tomorrow. Really enjoying so far.
So, finally finished it.
Pretty freaking good actually. I loved all of the actions taking place, it was probably the most fun clop-scene I've read in a while. I just wish the diction was a little better, I get kind of hung-up if I see certain words too many times, or if a word sounds awkward to say out loud.
I LOVED the ending after the sex. You just pulled out this soft heart-warming scene I didn't expect at all, and it was very touching. Loved it.
One thing that hung me up:
"Otherwise, he shuddered at the thought of either of his sisters finding some questionable substance on their clothes."
Beg pardon, but, we don't normally wear clothes.
img.ponibooru.org/_images/6dcf011b2bf32af2e6890c4df3ff691e/95852%20-%20animated%20gif%20hump%20HUMPING%20pillow%20pillow_rape%20rarity%20spike.gif