Why cant she be mine?

FlutterDash1,424 stories ·2,588 members

Fluttershy has been having some trouble sleeping and just cannot get her mind off of a certin pony, will she have the courage to finally tell her special crush?

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Comments ( 12 )

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Comment posted by Dragonblade722 deleted Feb 28th, 2013

Goldy

Goldy #2 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

2190866 Ya know ya can't do that, right? Bannable offense, yo.

>inb4 b&

Dragonblade722

Dragonblade722 #3 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

2190989

I honestly had know Idea my comment would be a problem (Banning is a little harsh in my opinion, I was only having a little fun ). I see people doing it all the time. Oh well regardless, if it's a problem I took down the comment. Back to ponies.

lolnopenothappening

lolnopenothappening #4 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

2191163 what did you do to what...

...wut...

Forum Explorer

Forum Explorer #5 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

Alright you've got a lot of work to do on this story.

Let's start off small with proper capitalization. Make sure you capitalize all of the names and the start of every sentence.

On that note make sure you actually end every sentence.

You have plenty of spelling mistakes, many of which should be caught by spell check. That's an easy fix.

You overused ellipses way too much. Just flat out get rid of them.

Now onto harder problems

You have a ton of grammer mistakes. Those are harder to fix, so I'd recommend an editor. Ask around and see if anyone is willing to bite the bullet for you.

The Mane 6 act very out of character in your story. They are close friends and an instant rejection by all of them for a homosexual relationship? It just doesn't fit who they are. You can have them act poorly, but they would still seek to be Fluttershy's friend. Fluttershy is also stronger then you give her credit for and wouldn't instantly resort to suicide. You did a passable job on Rainbow Dash.

The story itself doesn't flow well and is disjointed and rather confusing. Slow it down and write out the scene transitions.

These are the mistakes you'd need to fix before I'd read another story of yours.

On the plus side;

Flutter-hug is adorable.

This can actually be fixed. It honestly isn't even close to the worse thing I've read today.

Rhonert

Rhonert #6 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

Take some time with your story. Read it aloud and see how it sounds to you. Read it like you dont know anything about it. Sometimes things that make sense to the writer doesn't make sense to the reader. Keep on writing and reading! It helps! Bro-hoof

Goldy

Goldy #7 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

2191163 It's not permanent at first; just a 24-hour ban, unless you do it a lot, then it gets longer and longer until it's permanent.

2191728 I assume you don't know what he did; he just did a "first" comment, which I explained can get him banned.

Ryan A Fluttershy

Ryan A Fluttershy #8 · Apr 6th, 2013 · · ·

Now actually reading this fanfic...it kinda sucks...ALOT so...you guys think i should take it down? Cause this was more of just an experimental one to try out my new account, what do you guys think?

Bree

Bree #9 · Apr 22nd, 2013 · · ·

POST MORE!!!!!!!!! Ill help you with your writing skills...i meant...if you want me too....

lillytheomegawolf

lillytheomegawolf #10 · Jun 4th, 2013 · 1 · ·

ok. This felt a little rushed. But my main problem was how easily Fluttershy submitted and was about to kill herself. It kinda came on a bit strong...

However, for some cuteness and Flutterdash, you get an upvote and a fave.

You could try re-write it as opposed to taking it down. Thats what I did with my first story, after about 2 rewrites it became good.

But I just had to leave a comment to let you know that your story was appreciated and enjoyed.
I notice this is listed as incomplete... does this mean there will be more?

Smylie369963