Welcome legionary, to Imperio: Bellum Gerere Xenosphere ,
Operation: conquest of the alien world.
The 20th legion of Rome, the Victorious and Valiant.
They were the legion sworn to protect, defend, and if need be control the state of Britannia during the reign of the roman empire.
Their banner is of the boar, and their shield their loyalty to Rome and each other.
they are legionaries, Roman born soldiers and auxiliaries.
However, the fates have made them mere playthings now, taking them to the land of Equis
...
Equestria is in turmoil, as the equestrian tribes all bicker for dominance of each other, the hordes of invaders hope to seize the opportunity to dominate the land for their own ends.
a lone unicorn, whom has all but the greatest power of magic, will not let such a future happen.
So begins the Commentarii De Bello Equestrico
Edit/PS: this story will now include Images, elements and aspects of the total war franchise of games, Monty python, and other popular culture sources, and I readily maintain that I receive no monetary profit from using the work of others. Caveat Lector.
Ha, funny, Octavian was from an equestrian family!
Also, if this legion is in Brittania pushing north into Caledonia, they would not be fighting Caledonians, they would be engaging tribal Picts. Praetorians were Germanic, not Balkan, as "Praetorian" was a nationality at the time, not a rank. "Praetor" was a rank, however. This fellow Donkur, I believe that his title, in a tribal situation, would be more fitted with either shaman, druid or sorcerer, "wizard" was not coined until the Medieval Period.
M'kay, time for some good old Klondike style constructive criticisms.
First off, this is a commendably refreshing idea. Going back to the actual tribal division in Equestrian history is rarely ever touched on, and I always want to see more Equestrian history. Bbbbbuuuuut, though your concept is good, the execution could stand for some improvement. Like most other readers on this site, I will invoke the old adage of "Show vs Tell". In the first few sentences, you simply just tell us where the characters are and what is happening. That is kind of a no-no. Instead of just telling someone that a freedman client of Augustus Caesar held more clout than even the highest patrician senator, try to imply it. Say that the legates all minded their tongues around the Emperor's client, that the centurions and regulars all scrambled just to make sure he didn't so much as frown in contempt. Imply that he has power over all of them, without directly saying it.
The next thing that I noticed, you tend to start a new paragraph each time you start a new sentence. It's kind of the opposite from the normal first time fic, where everything is one gigantic paragraph, but it makes your story harder to get into.
Eugh, that's just in bad taste. That's two sentences that took up four lines. How about we try:
But even if you do compact the sentences into proper paragraphs, not many of those will be very long. Your story lacks details. I'm not talking about details of the age, or breaches of the fourth wall to directly address the reader, I'm talking about narrative and action detail sentences!
Oh, nicely done on the narrative description there, that is possibly one of the more correct bits in here. But, it was immediately followed by:
That sentence is not descriptive of action nor is it narrative. There is a subject, but no predicate.
There are other things that I could go into, but it's late for me, and I have to dig my car out in the morning to go to work. But, since you have intrigued me, I shall keep my eye on this one.
Well fuck, I can't compete with a post like that...
2170075
i am vigourously taking notes... it will be fixed in the morning.
Ah, so another Roman fic! Keep it up centurio; Rome depends on you! But in all seriousness, this looks interesting. I'll look into this soon.
changes have been made now that i am more lucid.
still, if anything seems amiss, please point it out.
2170957
Ave amici,
I didn't see your story until now,
very good to know there are some other Romans on this site.
2174766 Romaphiles, actually.
2175054
same difference.
2175818 Ah well. In any case, I shall be giving this a read when time permits. Maybe expect a comment this week.
did you know that there is a legion called "Legio X Equestris"?
2432609
....
this... this is...
too many parallels to ponies are to be made in roman trivia.
whew, finally
2808753
indeed, please do not worry.
this story still lives.
2809229 Lies!
3509468 ... Not lies!
4335418
You're safe.....for now
4335462 I hope so, I need to finish this story, can't have any more setbacks.
I like it,... but please do me a big favor, don't write in the 'royal' Capslog, thank you...
Salve, Octavius!
A great start, and points that you used an actual legion, and know the details about it. The name, though, really should be rendered "Valeria Victrix" - you've got it as "Valeria Vitrix". Definitely a like from me, though
4335586 that is an embarrassment. I must remedy this at once!
Thank you for pointing out this error, you bring honor to your family.
+7 senators
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!!
cdn2.listsoplenty.com/listsoplenty-cdn/pix/uploads/2010/06/very-scary-werewolf.jpg
4335681
What I thought of when I came up with the idea of a "scary rideable wolf"
4335686 :I
4335710 outside this story, I have no idea. Inside this story, it's a dire wolf: mounts of the wolf tribes when they need extra assistance in hunting, strong and big enough to carry a Minotaur, they normally for about three normal sized wolves and a stack of spears.
Imagine punching one in the face.
4335720 if you get bit do you get dire aids?
4335728 you have a sudden onset of the "I-just-got-bit-by-a-giant-godsdamned-wolf" syndrome, symptoms include incredible pain, sweating, possibly vomiting, anxiety, paranoia, and massive weight loss (from your mass being bitten off)
4335789 i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/154/596/fb0.jpg
4335808
It is legitimate,I'm obviously a doctor.
4335823 i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/710/042/39b.png bitch pleas
4335842
Ah, finally confirmation for my suspicion of your nature.
You are a troll.
4335856 am I a troll though?
4335862 quae est, est.
4335885 in the language of my people
er jeg virkelig en trold selv selvom jeg var på, det trolde mester døde 2 eller 3 år siden ...
4335905
I'm sorry to hear that, Nordmann, he must have died well for a troll.
This is a good story, but the grammar on some of the dialogue is annoying. You forgot to capitalise some I'd in the earlier chapters
Born Gaius Octavius into an old and wealthy equestrian branch of the plebeian Octavii family, in 44 BC, this man is more well known by the name of Augustus. his personal legions where called Octavians and previously had been owned by Julius Caesar but during that time they where known as Legio X Equestris
4337576 That's unfortunate, and the grammar issues can be attributed from English not being my most mastered language.
In addition, the grammar in some dialogue was an experiment to simulate the syntax of Latin, which is still present in some form in the following chapters, but it is more subdued.
4338450 oh please, please.
My friends call me Imperator Caesar Divi Fillius Augustus.
I preferred the name of Caesar, as it was more illustrious due to his successful campaigns in hispania, gaul, and egypt, and I was adopted by uncle Julius, so i might as well have taken his name as another gift..
Again I'm glad to see that this story lives, because frankly most stories like this only a Roman. If you excuse a little self promotion, I have a fic on hiatus that plays a what if the Equestrian World was to encounter a new civilization, particularly the Byzantines. Anyway I'm glad to see such a meaty update and that it has brought with it many more fans.
Let it began!
4339806 Greek Romans? In equestria?!
Do I perceive a chance for collaboration?
4340072 Oh my a collab you say? Personally I don't see why not. :)
Seriously with the Yoda impression? Seriously?
I. Am. Not. Amused.
VENI VIDI VICI! This is the first roman war group ive seen. I'm hyped add to Traking now